Running From Euphoria
by springstein
Summary: Zoro keeps reassuring them that he's ok even though he knows he's not, and he knows they know he's not. He is hiding an unnerving secret about himself from everyone he knows and a disturbing past from himself. Modern AU with a lot of angst
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Alright, this is my first story. Be kind, but also let me know what you think. It may end up being a long one. I'm not 100% sure where it is going right now, buts its definitely going. After reading over what I have so far, its really angsty, but it should calm down later. Hopefully. The story has kind of morphed far away from what I had originally planned. But my new plan is so much better.**

 **WARNINGS for this story: alcoholism/alcohol abuse, self harm, violence, explicit sexual content (between two men obviously), depression. if anyone catches anything else, let me know and I'll throw it up here.**

 **Disclaimer - I do not own the characters, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.**

Three polite knocks on the door.

No answer.

More knocking, a little harder this time. More silence.

"Oi, Zoro, we know you're in there! Open up! And answer your goddamn phone!"

Ace was starting to get worried. He hadn't heard anything from Zoro for about four days. None of them had. Its not like he hasn't gone off the radar before, but he would at least shoot someone a text to let them know he's alright, especially if they were texting him. He looked to Nami, "Well I guess we have no choice, get to work." He nods to the lock on the door.

In less than a minute the door is open and the two recoil from the strong smell of alcohol wafting from out of the apartment.

"Oh my god, what's he been doing bathing in it?" Nami scrunched up her nose and moves inside followed closely by Ace. She shouts into the apartment. "Sorry but you left us no choice, don't worry your locks aren't broken. Zoro?"

Littered around the small living area are empty bottles, some still containing liquid, a few seemed to be unopened. Stepping over a few broken bottles on the floor, Ace and Nami make their way over to the apartment's single bedroom and knock lightly on the closed door.

"Zoro? Hey, man, you in there?" Ace slowly tries the doorknob and it turns. The door opens to a sight they weren't quite expecting. Zoro is sprawled over his bed tangled in the sheets laying face down, but it looks like someone is underneath him, trapped.

"Oh, thank god, help me get him off me! He's too heavy, and I can't get him to wake up." There was definitely someone underneath him then. Nami and Ace exchange glances, they'll have to talk about this later.

They shake the man in question and slap at his face, but they get no response. He's out. Ace rolls him off to the side and makes sure he's still breathing, just in case. The small pink haired girl wearing too much makeup who was trapped under the green-haired man turns a dark red shade, dresses, thanks them again, and promptly exits.

Ace looks down at Zoro and shakes his head. "What the fuck man? Well, up you go," he puts his arms under Zoro's and lifts him up with a grunt, half dragging him to the bathroom. Zoro is placed in the bathtub and the shower is turned on, with very cold water. Nami pokes her head around the bathroom door.

"You need any help?"

"Nah, just give him a second, he should come to in-"

"Wha…," Ace is interrupted by incoherent grumbling from the naked man in the bath tub. His eyes crack open a bit and he's acting like his shitty bathroom lights are blinding.

"Good morning, Sunshine."

"He's up?"

"I wouldn't say up… I don't think he's actually all there yet. " More grumbling from Zoro proves Ace's theory. "I don't think we're going to get much more response than this. Can you grab me a towel, Nami?"

Ace turns the icy water off and Nami hands him a towel, "Its hard to tell if anything is clean in here, but here, it looks good enough."

"Thanks. How about you start cleaning up while I move him back to bed? Now that we know he's alive and all."

Drying off a large man who is pretty much dead weight is not an easy task, and not a task Ace would ever like to have to do again, though this is not the first time he's had to douse Zoro with cold water. But it hopefully will be the last.

Getting him as dry as he can, Ace lugs Zoro back over to his bed, drops him on it, and throws a blanket over him. This is definitely the worst they've found him. There have been other occasions when they find him passed out from drinking, but usually it's just in weird places, or he wakes up after some coaxing.

With a frown directed at Zoro, Ace pulls his phone out and sends a text to their friends to let them know Zoro is in fact alive. Then he moves on to cleaning with Nami. It looks like he hasn't cleaned up in quite a while.

About two hours later, the apartment looks decent, at least there's no more broken glass and the bottles have been recycled. They even went so far as to pour out the remaining alcohol left. They were not going to let Zoro near anything intoxicating if they could help it after this. At least not without supervision.

A low drawn out groan ends their cleaning tirade and Nami and Ace look to each other. It seems sleeping beauty is awake. They make their way back to the bedroom to see Zoro rolling over with his hands covering his face.

-:-

"Fuck," Drawing out the word as he turns, Zoro takes his hands off his eyes after hearing footsteps. "The fuck are you guys doing here?"

"The fuck are we doing? What the FUCK have you been doing? We have been trying to reach you for four goddamn days!"

Zoro's face scrunches into confusion. Four days? What day is it? Where'd his phone get to… Oh right he lost it. That's probably why they're so upset. "Oi, sorry guys. I lost my phone."

"Oh really? What is this?" From the doorway, Nami holds up a small rectangular object, squinting his eyes, Zoro can make out that it is indeed his missing phone.

"You found it! Where did you…"

"If you cleaned up once in a while it might not go missing so often… And maybe if you didn't throw a mountain of liquor bottles on top of it you wouldn't forget where you threw it. Yeah, I can tell you threw it, there's a phone shaped dent in the wall near where I found it."

Oh, that's right. That call did not go the way he wanted it to. He's surprised it didn't go through the wall now that he thinks about it. He threw that thing pretty damn hard. Zoro figures its best not to respond. He doesn't want to bring up questions about that. He's not in a sharing mood, especially not for that.

With a sigh, Ace moves closer to the bed and looks at him with an expression that is very difficult to read. What is that… concern, disappointment? Why the fuck would those be appropriate emotions if he just lost his stupid phone for a few days? Another sigh escapes Ace's lips. "What?"

"You really need to do something about this."

"About what?" Losing his phone? Does he want Zoro to glue the damned thing to his body? It's a handy thing to have, but it's not the end of the world if he doesn't have one. He didn't even want one to begin with.

"About your drinking. This is really getting out of hand."

"Ace, not this again. I'm fine. I can handle myself. I'm-"

"No you clearly can't. You were unconscious this morning so I don't expect you to remember what the fuck I had to deal with, but looking around this apartment you should have an idea of how bad this is getting. You had more bottles in here than you do anything else."

Had? What does he mean by had? Zoro hasn't cleaned up in over a week at least…"Wait, had?"

"Yes idiot, had. Past tense. We cleaned up in here; you can actually see the flat surfaces now. All the bottles are gone."

Worry starts to seep into Zoro's brain. He needs those. "What do you mean all the bottles are gone?"

"It means they're gone, Zoro. No more alcohol in this apartment. We're cleaning you up." Nami looks at him with, what, pity? Oh hell no. He rips back the blankets, uncaring that Nami sees his nakedness, she probably saw her fair share this morning going by what Ace mentioned earlier. Going to his drawers he grabs the first pair of pants he finds since nothing is easily within reach on the floor anymore, the fuckers. Pulling a shirt over his head, Zoro storms out of his room, grabs his wallet and keys and heads for the front door.

"Zoro! Where are you going? Get back here! We still need to talk to you!" Nami runs after him and grabs his arm in an attempt to stop him, a weak attempt if you ask Zoro. Her hand can barely make it halfway around his arm. He rips his arm out of her grip and turns enough to glare at the two of them.

"Fuck you guys." He rips open the front door and slams it hard enough to rattle the walls; he thinks he hears something fall off the wall. Whatever. He's doesn't need this. What the fuck do they know? Walking down the sidewalk, he realizes he should have grabbed a jacket. It's a little cold even for him. He walks into the first bar he comes across. He knows there is a closer bar, but he can never find it.

-:-

"Fuck you guys." SLAM. One of the few pictures Zoro has hanging on his walls falls and the glass shatters.

Ace stares at the closed door while Nami silently walks over to the picture and picks it up. It's a picture of the beginnings of their crew from a while back. They all look so young. This was probably 5 years ago when Zoro first moved here. They threw a little party once Ace's brother insisted that he's their friend; it was just Zoro, Nami, Ace, and his brother Luffy. They never got a whole lot of information on him from before they met, but she supposes that not that big of a deal. He must have moved away for a reason. She never even noticed he had hung this up. A sad smile tugs at her lips.

Zoro has had somewhat of a problem with alcohol for a while, but its just been getting worse. They all just thought he liked to drink at first, and yeah that's part of it he does genuinely like the taste, but there is definitely more to it than that now. They're really starting to worry about him. Nami and Ace have kept the worst of it to themselves. They're the ones who always go looking for him when he's been too quiet.

There was a stretch of time about two years ago when Zoro was so closed off to everyone, more than usual. He would barely see any one, make every excuse he could to avoid them. When he did see his friends, he seemed like he was trying too hard to be normal, and he seemed really paranoid. Then Nami noticed he took a turn for the worst.

She went to look for him after he disappeared for a week those two years ago and she found him much like she did today, minus the mysterious girl. Passed out on his couch with various bottles and cans spread around him, a half empty bottle in his hand spilling onto the couch and unresponsive. It really scared her, especially since she is much too small to move him if something was seriously wrong. Ever since then she has had Ace come with her to make sure he's ok when it's needed. Which thankfully hasn't been very often.

After his unusual behavior, Zoro recovered socially; he came back to his friends again. But he never did say what happened. No one ever asked. They knew he wouldn't say anyways. He would probably just wave it off and say something about how he was fine and its over so don't worry about him.

Nami doesn't want to alarm everyone, but maybe its time to let the rest of them know just how bad it has gotten. Everyone else seems to think drinking is just Zoro's thing, that yeah maybe he drinks a little too much, but they've never seen him in a situation that would give them reason to worry about him. Zoro doesn't seem like he wants to listen, but maybe if all of them can support him in this properly he can see that they have good intentions behind what they're doing.

Nami fetches a dustpan and cleans up the broken picture frame glass. Who knew Zoro would actually have a dustpan?

-:-

Sitting in the darkest corner in the bar but still managing to be at the counter, Zoro throws back his second drink. Its barely noon, and he thinks that maybe there is something to what Ace had said, but quickly shoves that down. No reason to make himself feel worse right now.

Once Nami brought up his phone he remembered the reason for his drop off the grid. He doesn't really want to start thinking about this again, but now that he's calmed down he really needs to.

Four days ago, has it really been four days already? Man, he must have blacked out for a few days then.

Blackouts aside, four days ago he received a call that he had been dreading ever since he moved.

 _After a long shift at his stupid part time job at some stupid department store because he can't get anything better at the moment, Zoro has a cold beer in hand, is flipping through TV channels, his feet propped up on his coffee table. His phone, that just so happens to be on the cushion next to him thankfully, starts buzzing. Perfect he doesn't even have to move. Without looking at the caller id, Zoro flips his phone open and answers._

 _"Hello?"_

 _He is met with silence._

 _"Hello? Who is this?"_

 _Zoro is starting to get annoyed and about to hang up when a voice breaks the silence. "You know exactly who this is Roronoa." Zoro pauses with his beer halfway poured into his mouth spilling onto his shirt._ No. It can't be. _"I have a job for you."_

 _Zoro recovers from his shock quickly and is about to refuse and ask how THE FUCK did they get this number, but he was quickly cut off. "It is best that you do not refuse this one. We need you, and we are not above tracking down your friends now that we know how to find you."_

 _Zoro's heart drops. That can't happen. It's too late notice to get out of this one. Fuck, he has to go through with this one. He's going to have to come up with a plan to shake them off. It might be time to move. Again. He really should start screening his calls, or get a new phone number._

A new drink is placed in front of him. Zoro stares at it. He should probably let up on the alcohol now that its passed, but he can't help it right now. He pulls the glass closer to himself.

After that call he had no choice but to accept the job. He's been hiding from these calls for the past 5 years. He moved to this city to get away from this. It was getting to be too much for him.

When he was a kid, he lived on the streets. That's all he really ever knew. He's not even really sure how it happened. The closest thing he had to family was the old man at a dojo that he weaseled his way into, and even then they weren't close. They had found him sneaking out one morning after crashing in the gym, and instead of telling them why he was really there, he lied and said he just really wanted to train there but couldn't afford it. Which, he supposes, isn't too far from the truth. He had looked in the windows before and watched kids sparring. Long story short, he was offered a place in the class and he became a kendo prodigy.

Zoro had never really gone to school, and he had a hard time finding somewhere that would hire a kid so he was always short on cash. He found an underground fighting league that offered money to the winners and he decided that was what he was going to make money off of. And he did for a while. He first entered at 16, and he became one of the best-known underground fighters in the league bringing in big money. This is where he got recruited.

They didn't have a name really; they were just kind of known as the organization. They didn't want to bring too much attention to themselves. And for good reason. They hired out hit men. And the hit men got a hefty pay. So of course this looked like a great option to Zoro. What 18 year old wouldn't accept an offer to get paid a hell of a lot more than he currently did and have more free time?

So Zoro the assassin was born. He started out doing it for the money, but after his first few kills, he stayed for the bloodshed. He had found his calling.

But after just 3 years, Zoro decided he needed to get out. He couldn't do this anymore. It was taking a toll on him. All he could think about was killing. He would get this incredible high after taking a life. It got to the point that he had to drown himself in alcohol after his hits to rid himself of the feeling. He felt disgusted with himself. Feeling dead inside was preferable to that dreadful bliss.

He decided to leave. He disappeared. Moved to a new city. Got a real job, well a few real jobs since people like to hire employees who have at least a high school degree and he didn't last very long anywhere. Made some friends. Started a normal life. Or as close to normal as he could get. He was happy. He still couldn't let go of the drinking, especially if a thought crept in from the recesses of his mind that he needs to find that high again.

His happy little life had to be put on hold for a few months though two years ago. He spotted someone from the organization way to close for his liking. He became a recluse so as not to draw attention to himself. He didn't want to be found. For the first time in his life he feels like a real person.

He couldn't stop thinking about letting himself be found though. About getting a taste of the euphoria when his blades let the life out of some poor sucker. So he did what he always did when he got a craving: he drank. And he drank. And drank. And he scared the shit out of Nami. That was hard to explain. How do you tell your best friend that you had to drink down the urge to kill?

He eventually deemed it safe enough to continue on like nothing happened. His friends seemed to understand enough that he didn't want to talk about what happened. They really are great people.

And then he got the call four days ago. His hand was forced and Zoro took the job. He had forgotten how good it felt. He immediately wanted to vomit after he had that thought. So he went to the liquor store and almost bought it out just so he could feel normal again. He had drunk away the euphoria. And Ace and Nami found him this morning in the aftermath. How do you tell your friends you had to drink away the enjoyment you got after killing someone?

They don't understand that he can't stop. They can't understand. If he stops drowning the urges, he doesn't know what could happen.

He finishes his drink and orders another. A double this time.

-:-

Ace and Nami figure its no use chasing Zoro down. It'll only piss him off more. And he's most likely gotten himself lost, and without his phone he will be impossible to find. So instead they decide to go have lunch, since it's that time of day and there really isn't anything else that they can do. They need to talk through what just happened anyways. No need to do that in Zoro's apartment.

After ordering they both fall silent. Where do they even begin?

"Before this gets serious, can we talk about that girl?" Nami had to bring it up. She looks at Ace with a barely concealed grin creeping onto her face, laughter not far behind.

"Oh man, that was… She was stuck under him! Oh my god I wonder how long she was awake…" Ace was fighting back a bought of giggles as he brought back the scene.

The duo look at each other in silence for a few seconds and break down in laughter. Well at least they can find humor somewhere in this situation. After wiping the tears from their eyes and they settle down, they get serious.

"What do we do about Zoro? This feels a lot like two years ago. I hope he doesn't start disappearing again." Nami had only ever told Ace about the first time she found him. Ace and Zoro were really close. Luffy may have forced him into being their friend, but Ace was closer with Zoro. Probably because Ace is the older sibling and Luffy acts like he's 12 half of the time.

"I don't know if there is a whole we can do if he doesn't want to listen. If there's a reason for this then maybe we should get that out of him. Though I highly doubt he's going to tell us willingly. Maybe he'll tell you. He might react a little better when you try to pry than if I do. And you were the one who found him the first time." He never understood how Zoro and Nami had gotten so close, but for all their bickering, she is definitely that man's best friend. Ace regrets that he wasn't there with Nami the first time this happened. She really could have used some support in that situation, even if only to move the man.

"Maybe. I feel bad bringing that up again, though"

"I'm sure it's all related. That's when it started, right?"

"Yeah. At least that I really noticed." With a sigh, Nami takes a drink from her water thinking over how to bring that up to Zoro. Their food arrives and they take a break from the topic to enjoy their meal.

It is probably the best meal they have ever had.

"Holy shit Nami, you have to try this! I know I say everything I eat is good, but this takes the cake. Actually, we should get their cake after this, I bet that's even better."

As their taste buds bliss out on their meal, they nearly forget what happened this morning. They decided to try a new restaurant that opened up in Zoro's end of town and they were not disappointed. This may be their new favorite place, its even priced reasonably. They will have to take Zoro here. And Luffy, who are they kidding he would have a fit if he knew they hadn't taken him to a new restaurant. Might as well bring everyone next time.

-:-

Zoro leaves the bar a few drinks later. He realizes that he's wasting money here when he should be saving it up. He only has so much from his piece of shit job, and he doesn't dare put his hit money in the bank. It's dwindling fast anyways; it has been 5 years after all. And he drank enough the past four days. Who knows how much money he spent. He doesn't even want to think about checking his bank account.

It takes him twice as long to get home from the bar than it did to get there. How does that even happen? What street is he on? It doesn't look familiar at all. He spots a gaudy blue sign hanging out over what looks to be a new restaurant, if the NOW OPEN sign is anything to go by. As he nears the establishment, two familiar heads pop out of the heavy looking double doors: Ace and Nami. Huh, well this is convenient. He can get the awkward 'Sorry I yelled at you guys when you were just trying to be helpful' thing over with.

"Zoro! Ace, look there he is!" Nami waves him over while Ace flashes him a warm smile.

"Hey, Nami, Ace." Zoro walks up to them with his hands in his pockets. He really shouldn't have stormed out like that. It's not their fault he's like this.

Nami takes a good look at him, and a good sniff it looks like. "Have you been at a bar?"

He takes a second to answer but Zoro sees no reason to lie about it and nods looking a little dejected while doing so.

Ace holds eye contact with Zoro, seemingly trying to see into his core, "Hey man, you ok?"

Zoro opens his mouth to respond that yes he is very much ok stop worrying, when someone comes rushing out the door.

"Hey you two! You forgot this on the table! It'd be a shame to forget it. I made it especially for Nami the divine goddess!"

Zoro is about the puke. Nami, a goddess? He turns around but any retort he had promptly disperses from his brain.

He can't take his eyes off of this blonde man who is twirling around Nami. Why can't he stop looking at him? Its like his brain turned to mush. He doesn't trust himself to form a coherent sentence. And are this guy's eyebrows… swirly? Maybe he really should dial back the drinking.

"Oh, Sanji! Thank you, I really appreciate it. This is our friend Zoro. Zoro, this is Sanji he owns the restaurant. Zoro?"

"Uh… Is he ok?"

"Zoro? Hey Zoro, you in there? Shit. We should probably get him home."

"Does he do this often?"

"Nah, he's just had a rough couple of days. He should probably lie down."

Ace steers him away from this strange blonde man and down the street. Towards his apartment probably, Zoro has no idea where he is.

What the fuck just happened to him?


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I cranked out two chapters so far, so this one is going up too.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the character, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.**

Zoro can't for the life of him figure out how the organization found him. They had his phone number. It's not like they just followed him home one day and caught him, although they probably have tailed him now that he thinks about it. Shit.

They definitely know where he lives. His friends aren't safe if they come here. But he can't just disappear again. He actually has people who care about him this time. This is getting way too complicated.

First, he needs to figure out how they found him.

Oh. Shit. OH SHIT. How could he be so stupid? He had gotten back into the underground fighting scene in the last year to make some extra cash and calm the urges he had been getting. Fighting had really been helping. But his mistake was letting himself get too well known. He was somewhat famous in the underground scene here, almost like he used to be. He used a fake name though, but how could he have let himself think that could deter the organization? They probably wanted to recruit him only to figure out that this is their missing guy.

That has to be it. Once they know where he is, finding information on him would be simple.

It's his own damn fault, a stupid mistake. Now he has a choice to make. Does he uproot his life again; leave behind the only people that have truly cared about him, his first real home, and escape from his inner demons? Or does he give in and let the organization back into his life and destroy himself from the inside out, but keep those he loves safe by staying close by?

Fuck. Well who said he has to decide this right now?

And why the fuck can't he get a vision of blonde out of his head?

-:-

Two days later the crew find themselves at the new restaurant Ace and Nami found. They could not wait for everyone to try the food.

"Can I just get one of everything? I can't decide. Nami, what did you get last time? Would I like it? Did it have meat in it? I think I'll just order everything!"

"Luffy, you cannot order everything! I don't care how hungry you are we are NOT paying for that!" Nami has had it up to here with bringing Luffy out to eat. This happens every time. Once he actually did order everything. Yes he did eat it all, but he most definitely did not pay for it.

The seven seated at the table place their orders after narrowing down Luffy's choices. He agrees to only two dishes, one for now and one to go for later. Plus a dessert. Ace says the cake is phenomenal.

"So, Zoro bro, I hear you got lucky the other night?" A lecherous eyebrow waggle from the large blue haired man is directed at Zoro.

"FRANKY!"

Well Zoro is thoroughly confused. He doesn't remember getting lucky in any regard this week. "What are you talking about?"

"Ace said-"

"Franky, what happened to 'I won't bring this up again, Ace, I swear'?"

"What are you guys talking about? I don't remember-"

"Of course you don't… You were kind of… It was when we found you two days ago." Ace quietly interrupts Zoro. He seems a little embarrassed that it was revealed he even spoke about that morning to anyone. Not that Zoro cares really, he'd rather be known as the drunk than the psychopath.

"What happened two days ago?" Usopp chimes in; he apparently wasn't at the sharing Zoro's embarrassing stories party.

"I got smashed and Ace and Nami took it upon themselves to break into my apartment and clean." Zoro shoots a nasty glare to the pair of them. "In case you didn't know I like having my clothes on the floor. It's a lot easier to find everything. But wait a second, what does this have to do with me getting lucky?"

"Since you were I guess unconscious, you, uh, trapped a girl underneath you. We had to roll you off of her…" Nami was hiding her smile behind a hand.

"WHAT?" Well that's embarrassing. "Why did no one tell me about this?"

"We would have but you kind of ran out the door before we got to talk to you."

Zoro had done a lot more than he thought he did. He definitely blacked out for a few days then. Yep. He doesn't even want to think about anything else he might have done, sexually or no.

"Please tell me that's the only thing you've been keeping from me about that morning." Zoro scrunches his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. This week just keeps getting worse.

"Do you really want us to tell you everything that happened?"

"Do I want to know?"

"Nami, stop scaring him. Don't worry; nothing else happened besides hours of cleaning and turning the shower on you. "

"YOU WHAT?! How many times have I told you to stop doing that?"

"Clean or douse you with cold water?"

"BOTH. I need to get some electronic locks or something to keep you two out. Did the water really not wake me up? That usually works."

"You started to come to, but I don't think you were ready to be awake yet."

Zoro grunts in response. That shows how much he actually drank. He's going to need a new liver by the time he's 35. If not next year.

"I believe that is enough embarrassing Zoro for today, don't you? And look here comes our food." Thank you, Robin.

The food really is delicious. Either that or it tastes better than normal because this is the first real meal Zoro's had all week.

"Is everything to your liking?"

Why does that voice sound familiar? With a quick glance up from his plate that his nose is practically buried in, Zoro immediately fixes his gaze back onto his meal like he never heard anyone speak. It's the blonde, the blonde that he embarrassingly froze up in front of two days ago.

Nami nudges Zoro in the ribs, "Hey, Zoro, you remember Sanji right? You met him a couple days ago when we ran into you outside."

"Don't be mean to the poor bastard, my beauty, he probably can't remember. Is he ok in the head? Does he need anything?"

"You know what, you're a real fucking asshole." There. Got some words out. And a nice death glare.

"Oh, he speaks!"

"You're fucking right I do. This is you're place right?"

"Yes, I opened it up about a month ago."

"Yeah? Wow. That's great. Are you the chef too?

"Yes, actually. I'm the head chef here."

"Oh. You could probably use a little more practice in the kitchen."

"What are you trying to say?"

"Your foods alright."

"Just alright?"

Zoro pulls his shoulders slightly up into a half-assed shrug, scrunches up his face, and starts pushing the food around his plate.

"You are going to finish every last bit of that meal. I don't care how much of a bastard you are, you ARE NOT wasting food just to spite me."

"I'LL EAT IT!"

"No. This moss-headed idiot is going to eat it all if I have to force it down his throat myself. Go on. I'm waiting."

Zoro can't bring himself to look at the fucker in the eyes any more. He's getting that weird brain mush feeling again. Maybe he should just eat the food so he'll go away. He shovels the rest of the food on his plate into his mouth in the most unpleasant way possible, chews, swallows, and promptly opens his mouth and sticks out his tongue.

"Happy?" He grins at the swirly eye browed asshole. At least he got one last word out before his brain quit on him.

"You are disgusting. How can these lovely ladies stand be around something like you? Just for that horrid display of manners, the ladies' meals are free of charge. I can't possibly apologize enough for him."

Nami pat him on the back. "Good job, Zoro. Maybe I should bring you here more often."

-:-

Over the next week, Zoro saw a lot more of that stupid blonde than he ever wanted to. Why did Luffy have to make friends with everyone? He's practically been inducted into their group already. The only good thing about this is the hordes of free food he comes with. He refuses to feed Zoro, but everyone gives him some of their food, so it all works out.

They're all currently at Luffy and Ace's, party central. This is going to solidify the cook as a friend, just like they did with Zoro. He'll never get away from him now. Zoro doesn't mind the name-calling or the antagonistic banter; he actually quite enjoys it.

What really gets on his nerves about the cook is the fact that every now and then his brain just stops working and he finds himself staring at him. Its gotten to the point where he'll leave a room if Sanji comes in, or Zoro will find a seat that keeps the blonde out of his direct vision. He can't figure out what is wrong with him.

"Here you go bro, you were looking empty," Franky hands Zoro a full beer and snaps him out of his blonde contemplation.

Zoro gives Franky a nod of thanks when Nami reaches from behind and grabs the beer. "I don't think so, Zoro. How many is this?"

"What? Are you counting my beers now?" Is she serious?

"Yes, Zoro, in case you have forgotten, you were practically dead last week because of alcohol. I have not forgotten, and I am taking this beer."

"That was my second beer! Give it back!"

Nami had already claimed it as her own and downed half of it. Witch. He'll just sneak into the kitchen in a little and grab a few for himself.

"Why are we watching Zoro's alcohol intake? You've seen him drink, he can handle himself." Franky was on his side at least.

"Yeah, listen to Franky, Nami. He's talking sense for once."

"This is exactly because I have seen him drink. You didn't see him last week, Franky. You'll thank me later, Zoro."

Zoro glares at the back of Nami's orange head as she walks away. Maybe if he concentrates hard enough her orange hair will actually become flames. Nope. It was worth a shot.

"What's this about the moss-head not being able to drink?" Please don't tell Sanji. This is not something he needs to know about Zoro yet. Or ever.

"Zoro has been having a bit of a drinking problem lately. Nami and Ace have decided that they should monitor his alcohol consumption to be on the safe side." Robin, no! Why would she do that to Zoro? Robin was always on his side. At least for the past week.

"A drinking problem? I'm sorry to hear that. I'll be happy to help keep an eye on him if you would like, Nami-swan." After making googley eyes towards Nami, Sanji gives Zoro a subtle smirk. He almost seemed sincere, too.

It looks like that smirk wasn't as subtle as the cook had thought, "Sanji, this is serious. Zoro really needs to watch himself."

"What is this an intervention? Ace, I'm fine. I can handle myself, really."

"You keep saying that, Zoro, and I keep finding you in positions proving that otherwise. Last week was not an isolated incident."

The entire room is silent. The two men hold each other's gaze for a long 10 seconds. Zoro shoves off of the couch he had been sitting on and heads for the door. He needs to get out of here. Right now. He can't get into this, especially not in front of everyone.

"Zoro, you are not walking out again! You need to talk about this!"

"JUST STOP, STOP TRYING TO HELP ME. I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP." Zoro leaves through the front door, but he fails to close it. He doesn't miss the deafening silence that he leaves behind.

He stops about 10 paces from the door and takes a deep breath. Zoro feels a tap on his shoulder and tenses. This is really not a good time for someone to be near him. He bites his tongue and digs his nails into his palms in attempt to supress his anger.

"Zoro? I know you probably don't want to talk right now, but don't take any of this the wrong way. This isn't some kind of an attack. We really want you to get better. We've all noticed something going on with you." Oh, Usopp. He means well, but he should really just go back inside.

Zoro slowly turns around and keeps his eyes closed. He's afraid if he opens them he might do something he regrets. He really needs to calm down. Zoro speaks slowly, "Usopp, go back inside."

"Usopp, he's right, come back in." Good, Luffy. Get him out of danger. "Zoro, you need to leave. Go calm down."

With a stiff nod, Zoro turns back around and continues his exit. He doesn't even know where he's going. He just walks.

-:-

Luffy and Usopp make their way back inside. The room is stunned into total silence. So this really is serious then. Sanji thought maybe they were poking fun as the poor moss covered man, but wow. That was not what he was expecting.

"Nami, I think we should tell them."

"Yeah, I guess we can't really keep this to ourselves anymore."

This is probably the worst time to be introduced to a new group. Sanji really just wants to head back to the kitchen to make sure nothing is burning. He's halfway to the door when Ace calls to him. "Sanji, go turn off everything in there and come back. You need to be here for this too."

With a deep breath, Sanji does as Ace suggested. Everything is removed from heat and set aside for later. Maybe once the atmosphere is a little less tense he can finish up and pack everyone a to go box.

Sitting back down in the chair he occupied earlier, Sanji looks over to Ace and Nami.

"I know we kind of joke about Zoro having a drinking problem, and maybe some of you haven't really noticed the degree that he actually consumes alcohol, but this is really serious." Ace pauses and looks to Nami, as if to give her a cue.

"I haven't told any of you this, but remember when Zoro just kind of disappeared for a while a couple years ago?" Heads around the room bob in affirmation. "Well, I went to go check on him since he wasn't answering his phone. When I got to his apartment, I thought he had drunk himself to death. I never wanted to see him like that again, but that wasn't the only time. He hadn't gotten himself in that state again, but he we have found him on multiple occasions in a similar state. And last week, that was exactly how Ace and I found him. He was completely unresponsive."

"Why haven't you told us about this?" Luffy looks really angry. Sanji would be too if he had known Zoro for as long as they had and didn't know this was going on.

"We didn't want to scare you guys. He didn't seem like he was going to get back to that state. Once he bounced back two years ago, I thought he was going to be ok. We really should have said something about this earlier."

He's been doing this for two years? If no one's said anything for two years, of course he doesn't think he has a problem. Sanji feels really bad for saying that comment about something being wrong with his head. There very well might be.

"Well, there isn't anything we can do about that now. You've told us, and now we know. We are all tasked with helping Zoro now. This is not going to be easy, you all know how he is. I suggest not approaching him in a group this size once he has calmed down. He will probably be more comfortable if he speaks about his problems one on one. He may find that one of us is easier to speak to about what is going on in his head than others. We will all just have to speak with him to find out who that is." Robin's words calm the atmosphere in the room substantially. She's right, there is no use arguing over what has already happened. It can't be changed. But Zoro's future can be changed. The question now is, how long does it take for a moss-ball to calm down?

-:-

Zoro is wandering the streets. He feels like a kid again. Not sure of where he should go, aimlessly slipping through alleyways and onto the next street over. He knows he's going to end up hopelessly lost, but he couldn't care less right now. The cool air is doing him good.

He's been sitting on a bench in some park for a long time now. He lost track of time a while ago, but the sun looks like it will probably be rising soon. Maybe he should try to find his way home. He's starting to get tired now; he'll probably sleep all day.

He's calmed down completely now. Zoro really wishes Ace hadn't done that in front of everyone. Oh well, it's out now. If they didn't know he purposely drinks himself into a coma on occasion, they do now.

And to top it all off, the organization is back in his life.

Zoro takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. He leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. "Fuck. Why does everything have to happen at once?"

His phone starts vibrating in his pocket. Who the fuck is calling him right now? There's no way any one in this city is awake right now besides him.

He pulls his phone out of his front pants pocket and glances at the caller id.

Unknown. He squints his eyes at it. This better not be who he thinks it is.

He flicks the phone open and slowly brings it to his ear, disturbing the three earrings that hang there.

"Hello?"

 _"Oh good, you answered. I didn't wake you did I?"_

Like she would care if she did. Zoro frowns at the empty bench across from him. "No. I've been up."

 _"Perfect. We have another job for you."_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Cool, so I have a lot of time on my hands and I have 2 more chapters to post up. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.**

Sanji wakes up later than normal. He had stayed at Luffy and Ace's later than he anticipated. Once he started back up with the food, the demands for more didn't stop. And then he had to clean it all up. He did manage to save some leftovers though.

He rolls out of bed and moves to the kitchen to start on breakfast. He doesn't have to go in to the restaurant today, its Sunday and they're only open for lunch. It shouldn't be too much of a problem if he leaves the staff to it. He mixes together ingredients for a simple omelet, he's not going to make anything fancy on his day off, and he lets his mind wander.

He couldn't help but wonder if Zoro would want those left overs. He missed out last night. He have the time, maybe He can run it over to him. The moss head could probably use a good meal after all of that.

Resolving to make a visit to the moss-headed idiot, Sanji walks back to his bedroom to grab his phone off the charger. What made him choose green of all colors? Does he want to look moldy? He'll have to ask him later. He opens up a new message and texts Nami.

 _Good morning my mellorine! How are you this morning?_

Pocketing his phone, Sanji walks back into his kitchen to clean up his breakfast mess. He hopes he doesn't wake her up with the text, but he gets almost an immediate response. With a giddy smile on his face he unlocks his phone and reads the message from the most perfect human specimen.

 _Hey Sanji. I'm great, whats up?_

He should probably just get right to why he texted her to begin with, he can shower her with praise after he gets Zoro's phone number and address.

 _I wanted to drop off those leftovers from last night at Zoro's. Could you give me his phone number?_

Again, an almost immediate response. She must really enjoy talking with Sanji. He places down the sponge he was holding and wipes his hand off on the towel hanging over his shoulder. His phone pings again with another message.

The first being what Sanji assumes is Zoro's phone number. The second: _Actually on second thought he probably won't answer. You should probably just go over there and force it into his fridge. Good luck!_ She ends the message with his address.

 _Thank you my beautiful goddess, I'll let you know how it goes._

Sanji saves Zoro's number and looks up his address on his phone's map feature. Not far away from where Sanji lives. Actually it's really close to the restaurant. Maybe he can stop by and see how everything is going after he drops off the food.

After hopping in the bathroom for a quick shower and shave, Sanji dresses and glances at the clock. 11 a.m. Not too early to show up at someone's place, right? If he wants to stop by the restaurant then he should go now.

Zoro lives about 15 minutes walk from Sanji. It's not the nicest apartment building, but Sanji assumes Zoro isn't one to be picky over something like that. He probably doesn't have a whole lot of money if he spends as much as his friends suggested he does getting drunk. With a box of food in hand, Sanji finds the stairs, there's no elevator in this place. After reaching the 5th floor, the top floor, he walks to the apartment at the end of the hall.

From here, the door looks open. Maybe he's expecting someone. Sanji sees a pair of black boots in the doorway. This man really is a mess; he leaves his door wide open and his shoes in the doorway.

Wait, those aren't just shoes. It looks like someone is still in them.

"Zoro?" No response from the moss-head. Maybe that's not him. Maybe he's cleaning out his apartment and that's just a bunch of stuff piled in front of the door.

The closer Sanji gets, the surer he is that that is definitely a person lying in Zoro's doorway. Said person is face down in the apartment's entryway, keys are still in the door, head covered in fluffy green hair, neck of a bottle in one hand with the rest shattered on the floor. The bottle presumably broke as the door gave way and no longer offered the man support in his drunken stupor. There are a few shards of glass burrowed shallowly in Zoro's forearm, but nothing serious.

Nami and Ace weren't kidding when they said they find him in compromising situations. How long has he been lying here? His neighbors must either be used to this behavior or haven't noticed since he lives at the end of the hallway.

Sanji steps over the man to get inside and put down the food he brought. He looks back at Zoro and pauses for a second before walking back to his side and turning him over to get a better look at him. There's a small cut on his forehead from hitting the floor face first, but overall he looks to be ok. He's breathing. Sanji picks out the glass from his arm and drags him the small distance to the couch.

After cleaning up the broken bottle, Sanji brings a wet towel over to clean the blood off of Zoro but his hand stays when the arm he's wiping off moves.

"Go'way, I'm sleeping."

"Tough luck shithead, you're bleeding too. Unless you want to get this all over your couch, let me wipe it off."

Zoro slowly opens his eyes. "Cook? What are you doing here?"

"I thought I would bring you some left overs from last night since you bailed so early. You live near my restaurant so I thought it couldn't hurt to see if you wanted them."

"How'd you get in here? Don't tell me Nami is with you. She always breaks in here."

"You should feel lucky to have Nami in your presence." Zoro scoffed at that. Really he has no idea how lucky he is to be friends with such a beautiful person. Sanji wonders why she even puts up with Zoro. "No she didn't come with me. Your door was open. You made quite the doorstop, moss-head. Speaking of moss, I wanted to ask you, what possessed you to choose green of all colors?"

Zoro just looks at Sanji like he asked why he has two eyes. "I didn't choose anything."

"You're trying to tell me that's natural? Did you hit your head that hard when you fell through the door? Or are you actually distantly related to a tree?"

"Yes, fuckface, its natural. Why are you in my living room again?"

"As I said, I came to drop you off some food, but I ended up dragging your limp ass out of the doorway."

"What?"

Sanji looks at the poor confused molding man. He kind of feels bad for him, but he got himself into this mess. "Yeah, it looks like you passed out against your door and fell in with it when it opened. You had a few shards of glass in your arm from a broken bottle, that's what I was cleaning up. Thought I'd pull you onto your couch so I could close your door."

After a moment of blank staring and a few blinks, Zoro looks away and mutters out a thanks. He looked a little broken for a brief instant, but he pulled his face back into his trademark scowl. Sanji still saw that pass over his features though.

"Hey."

"Hm?" Zoro won't look at him anymore. He's been doing that a lot lately.

"What happened to you last night? After you left?"

"Nothing. I went for a walk."

"And I assume a bottle of whiskey followed you home?"

Zoro's face contorts into that frightening look he got last night after Ace confronted him. Sanji fights to hold the confidence he no longer feels on his face. Maybe Sanji overstepped his boundaries; he doesn't know Zoro very well yet. But their friends did want him to be a part of this so he may as well try. "You don't want to go down this road, cook. Not right now. Especially not right now."

-:-

Where does Sanji get the idea that he can talk to Zoro about his habits? He hardly knows the guy.

Zoro had almost forgotten about the call he received early this morning, but it all came crashing back when he realized he had passed out from drinking. He only ever really does that for one reason. He can't talk about this right now. The kill is too fresh; he's still on edge. He concentrates on his breathing. In. Hold. Count to 3. Out. Repeat.

-:-

Sanji notices Zoro's breathing change. He looks like he's looking passed Sanji, too. Something is happening here. "Zoro, I know I'm probably the last person that you think should be talking to you about this, but maybe it wouldn't hurt. I don't really know a lot about you, that might make it easier to talk to me." No change from Zoro. He still looks like he's in a trance of some sort. "Zoro? Are you feeling ok?" He leans closer and places his hand on Zoro's arm.

Zoro's muslces tense and his eyes snap to Sanji's. He wouldn't say he's scared, Sanji can definitely hold his own in a fight, but he is definitely wary of the other man's behavior right now. He looks like a cornered animal, ready to strike out if needed. Maybe he should treat the situation the same. Sanji makes his voice quieter and speaks a little slower. "I'm not going to hurt you. There's no need for you to hurt me. I'm just talking. Just listen. Everyone is worried about you. I saw what happened last night, and I witnessed what Ace was talking about this morning. I can understand why they are concerned. I'm not going to pry into your life, I have no right do that, but just answer me one question: Are you ok?"

The expression on Zoro's face changes, it looks like he's thinking of actually answering the question. Sanji hopes he does. He hopes this man can see that he needs help. He may not want it, but as long as he can admit that he isn't ok, then that's something.

Zoro looks down to his hands and mutters something too quiet for Sanji to hear. "What was that?"

"…no. No, I'm not ok."

-:-

Zoro doesn't know why he's even thinking about truthfully answering Sanji's question but maybe there is something to what he said. He doesn't know Zoro. He isn't judging him for his past actions; he could be more comfortable talking to Sanji about this if he has to. Even if Sanji thinks he's talking about drinking when Zoro is really talking about that dreaded euphoric bliss.

Maybe this is why Zoro's brain shuts off when he talks to Sanji, why maybe sometimes he catches himself staring at him. He wants him to help. Somewhere deep down, Zoro must think that he can actually help him. There's something about this blonde that Zoro's subconscious is reaching out to.

Fuck it. Zoro's tired of feeling trapped in his own head. If this guy wants to try and fix him, he can try. Just without all the nitty gritty details of his side job.

"I'm not."

"What was that?"

"…no. I'm not ok." There it is. Sanji can do with that information as he pleases. Right now Zoro really needs a nap. He probably only slept for 2 hours. He closes his eyes and is about to drift off, but Sanji has a different idea.

"What? That's great, I mean, no, that's not great, but it's great that you admitted that. I really wasn't expecting you to."

"I'm glad you're so excited about this. You got your answer now get of here. I'm tired."

"Oh no you don't, you just opened up to me. You are not stopping now."

"You just asked for an answer to one question. I think I'm done for the day." Didn't think that one through did he? Zoro fights the smug expression pulling at his features to feign sleep.

"Oh, come on. You were getting somewhere! Agh. At least let me make you something to eat. A reward for your honesty."

Zoro cracks an eye at that. Sanji's food made especially for him? Why does that make his insides squirm around? "Fine. Feed me if you want to. I won't complain about the taste since I'm not paying for it."

"If I didn't just offer this up as a reward for you admitting you have a problem, you bet I would kick your sorry ass off that couch and leave you hungry."

"Why are you being nice to me, cook? And don't you dare say its because you feel bad for me."

"You call threatening to kick you nice? Maybe I'm just trying to bribe you for information. I was asked by two of the most beautiful women in the world to help them with your sorry ass, I'm not about to let them down."

Zoro rolls his eyes. Of course he's doing this because of them. Why would he ever do anything nice for Zoro on his own? "Hey, if you don't really want to be here, there's no need for you to stay. I can manage a meal myself. I'm not an invalid no matter how much you want to believe I am. And It isn't really a secret that you hate me."

"I never said I didn't want to be here. And I don't hate you." Oh. Cue the awkward silence. Sanji clears his throat. "So uh, what do you want to eat? What kind of food do you have in here?" He heads for the kitchen and starts looking through cabinets and the fridge. "Do you even live here? When was the last time you went food shopping?"

" If you haven't noticed I've had a pretty rough couple of weeks. I haven't really had the chance to go and run errands. And I'm a little short on cash this week." Zoro is adding in way too much information here. It seems since he opened up once, his subconscious is keen on sharing.

Sanji stops his movements and has his head in the fridge. "Oh. Right. Ignore me. I was planning on stopping by the restaurant later. I could fix you something there if you want."

Zoro is pretty hungry. He missed dinner last night and burned up all of his energy walking around the city last night and doing a job this morning. And this could keep him from getting into his cups all day. Try something new, distraction by food. "Yeah, ok." Maybe Sanji isn't so bad. His stomach squirms again. He really needs to look into that.

-:-

Zoro is still a little drunk. He will not admit it, but Sanji can see a sway in his steps and he has definitely bumped into the wall once or twice. If he's going to All Blue with him, he at least needs a shower. He still has some dried blood on him and the stale smell of whiskey from that broken bottle he fell on top of. "Did you sleep at all last night, Mossy?"

"Not really. I vaguely remember coming home this morning to drop off my – I mean, I, uh, came home before I realized I didn't have any booze here, and left again to, I mean, shit. Um. No. I haven't really slept except for the whole being a doorstop thing." That was weird.

"This morning? When did you get home?"

Zoro is looking really uncomfortable right now. "I don't know. 9ish maybe. No. Um. It's not important. I just didn't get a lot of sleep. Just a lot of booze."

He's doing that weird can't-make-eye-contact thing he does sometimes, but on a whole new scale. This is more of a guilty lack of eye contact than his usual.

"What were you doing until 9-ish this morning?" Sanji is infinitely curious now. Zoro left Luffy and Ace's around seven last night. And he was out until 9 this morning? There's got to be a story there.

"Nothing. Why are you here?"

Sanji raises an eyebrow at that. This whole conversation has been really odd. "Are you not coming to All Blue with me? I thought you wanted something to eat."

"Right. Sorry. Give me a sec, I'll clean up a bit."

"Please tell me cleaning up a bit includes a shower?"

"Well, I guess it does now." Zoro mumbles and gives Sanji a defeated look and heads towards the bathroom, catching his shoulder on the doorframe. He really wasn't going to shower? Gross. Maybe he really is molding.

-:-

Zoro closes the bathroom door and turns the shower on cold. As much as he hates when Ace uses it on him, the cold water really does make him feel a little more alert. He needs alert right now. What was that conversation he just had with the cook? He almost told him he had come home to drop his swords off after a job! What is wrong with him? Just because he admitted to not being ok, he's going to drop his guard and blurt everything out now? Fuck, he is really fucking up right now. He's hoping it's just the cook that he blurts things out to.

The cook, with his swirly eyebrow and shiny blonde hair. And those long lean legs. Zoro's not normally super into legs, but those legs are something he can appreciate. And that ass – WHAT THE FUCK.

Zoro's hands stop rubbing shampoo into his scalp. Did he just admit to himself that he thinks a man is attractive? Holy shit, he did.

This explains a lot now.

"Oi, I know you're probably trying to scrub that moss off your head, but hurry it up in there. You're place is boring as hell."

Zoro almost shouts that he's having an important realization about himself at 26 right now so shut the fuck up, but holds it in. Shit. Can he do this right now? Can he go with Sanji to his restaurant and be around him for a long period of time after just now realizing this? That he's attracted to him? Should he take some time to let it sink in?

"Did you drown, shit head?"

"SHUT UP. Give me a second would you?" Zoro quickly rinses his hair and turns off the shower. He watches water droplets drip off his nose for a few seconds before he shakes his head to clear his thoughts and the excess water from his hair. He grabs a towel off the ground, it looks clean enough, wraps it around his waist, and opens the bathroom door.

"What is this?"

"What's what?" Moving out of the bathroom, he freezes. Zoro loses his grip on the towel and faintly registers that it's now on the floor. He is in full freak out mode. Sanji is touching his swords case. This is not good. No one knows he has those, let alone that he can use one, or three. When will the shit stop piling up?

"Jesus! Put some pants on will you? What is this thing?"

He did not put that away when he got home. Oh shit. Ok he can recover from this. Just get him out of his room so Zoro can put it away where he usually does and he can think of something to tell him later. "Its nothing. Get out of here, let me get dressed."

"It's a little late to be modest now isn't it?"

"Just get out!"

"Alright, alright." Before Sanji is even over the threshold to the bedroom doorway, Zoro is already trying to close the door on him. He quickly pulls out the lock box he keeps under his bed and inside an old duffle bag and places his swords case inside. With that safely secured away, Zoro grabs some pants and shirt and opens the door.

Sanji is waiting for him in the living room with an unlit cigarette resting between his lips. "Oi, you can't smoke that in here."

"Wasn't going to." Sanji turns his head Zoro's way and raises his visible eyebrow at him.

"What? Is this shirt too dirty?"

"Is it dirty? You know what I don't know want to know. Its nothing, you're just being a little weird today. Maybe I just haven't been around you this long before. "

"That's probably all it is." He can do this. As long as he plays it cool, there's no way Sanji will know that he likes him or that he killed someone this morning.

Wait a second, now he likes Sanji? Well shit. Zoro has a lot to contemplate later.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: And the next one.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.**

Zoro does his best not to react to the food that he just took a bite of. It's amazing. Holy shit. But he holds it together and keeps his face neutral. There is no way he is giving the shit cook that satisfaction.

"So?"

"So what?" Zoro speaks through a mouthful of food. Sanji looks repulsed in return.

"Have you ever been taught manners? Were you raised by wolves or something?"

"Kind of, actually." He's doing it again. He's giving away more information about himself than he should. It must be his newly realized attraction towards this man. He still has to get used to that thought.

"Were your parents really that terrifying or something?"

"I don't know." Stop. Abort. This is too much. If he asks questions about his childhood it's going to lead to other questions that he cannot answer. Zoro shoves too much food into his mouth to keep himself from talking anymore. Shit cook's ego be damned, he would rather inflate that than talk about himself.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't know my real parents either." Shit he's sharing now. He's going to expect reciprocation. "I was a foster kid until I was about 7, the guy that took me in is actually the one who inspired me to be a chef. He had this stupid peg leg that he refused to replace with a real prosthetic because he said it made him look like a goddamn pirate." Sanji laughs with a look of sad nostalgia in his eyes. He looks up at Zoro. Quick, change the subject.

"This is actually pretty good for a shit cook. What is this?"

"What did you call me?"

"That's what you took from that statement? I actually said it was good." He is really desperate to distract.

"Like you would willingly compliment my cooking, not that I won't take the compliment. But I can see what you're doing. You're redirecting this away from yourself. Come on, I shared, its your turn. I know next to nothing about you besides your love affair with alcohol."

Zoro is seated in the back corner of the kitchen of All Blue, supposedly out of the way according to Sanji but there is still a lot going on around him. Sanji leans against the counter Zoro is eating on and pulls out a cigarette and rolls it between his fingers. "I'm waiting moss head. What's your story?"

Zoro digs around through his brain. There's got to be something he can tell the cook that isn't too revealing. Even if he wasn't trying to hide so much about himself, he is still uncomfortable talking about his childhood. Anytime he's told someone that he was homeless growing up they always give him that kicked puppy look. "Well I wasn't a foster kid."

"But you didn't know your parents?"

"No."

"Oh. Did you live with family or something?"

"No."

Sanji's expression contorts into mild confusion, and then understanding. "Did you not have a home?"

Zoro shakes his head no and looks back down at his plate to scoop up the last bite of his meal.

-:-

Sanji feels like an asshole now. Way to go and bring up this man's troubled childhood. He wants to ask more, but Zoro looks to be done with the topic so he thinks better of it. He really has been pushing the man today. He'll have other opportunities to gather information about him.

Zoro heaves a loud sigh. "Stop."

"Stop what? I haven't done anything."

"You're pitying me. This is why I don't talk about. It makes everyone in the conversation uncomfortable."

"I'm not pitying you, and I'm not uncomfortable. I'm just… I was just thinking that I had questions but you didn't seem like you were going to indulge me anymore."

"Look, I don't know why I'm being so open with you today, but I'll tell you what. I'll give you three questions. I'm not guaranteeing an explanation though."

This is a lot more than Sanji was expecting. What three things about Zoro does he want to ask? While he's thinking he grabs Zoro's plate and flatware and walks them over to the dishwasher. He stares at the green haired man's back as the returns back over to him. Sanji can ask him anything. He takes a deep breath and decides on his first question. "Is that why you drink so much?"

"You have the opportunity to ask me anything and you ask about a topic you claim to be the only thing you actually know about me?"

Maybe he should have been a little more tactical. "Just answer the damn question, shit head."

Sanji can see Zoro thinking about it. He tilts his head to the side before responding. "In a way."

Sanji opens his mouth to ask if he is going to explain, but Zoro gives him a look as if to ask if he is really going to waste his next question on that? Damnit, of course he would count that.

"Come on, cook, you can come up with something better." He's challenging him? Oh he's getting it now.

"Ok. What was that thing I was asking about this morning?"

"What thing?"

"That thing in your room I asked about after you got out of the shower."

Zoro pales and audibly swallows. "Oh. That thing."

It seems he asked the right question this time. Sanji gives the moss-head an encouraging look and waits in silence for an answer.

-:-

This was a bad idea. He was not expecting that question. He's got to say something though, he promised answers. As long as he doesn't say what he really uses them for, Zoro reasons he can tell Sanji what's in the case.

He shifts on the stool he's been seated on and looks the cook in the eye. "Swords."

"Swords? What the fuck? Are you some medieval rein actor or something?" Sanji laughs out the words.

"Do you want to use that as a question?"

"Shit. No. I don't."

Zoro offers up some kind of explanation anyways, better to tell him something than have him asking around. And he does use them outside of jobs. "I learned kendo when I was little. Got pretty good. Use them to earn some extra cash in, uh, underground fighting sometimes. Helps take the edge off, too" Shit, why did he add that last part.

"I bet fighting does help push down the cravings." Zoro's eyes go wide. How could he… no, he means the alcohol. He relaxes. Wow, he really can talk about this if he acts like its something else.

"Yeah, it does."

"I think I'm going to save my last question. I have a feeling I'll come up with something better after hanging around you more."

"Alright. Fair enough."

-:-

Zoro goes to his part time job about 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. Its mind numbing, but he technically counts it as a workout since he is tasked with moving heavy boxes of various merchandise more often than not. Stock room boy in a piece of shit corporate department store that sells anything you could think of at wholesale in stupid large quantities is not something Zoro would call fun. But it's a job, and he can't be picky. And he needs someway to put money into the bank without being questioned.

His workday ends at 5 p.m. today and its 4:55. He's sitting in the back of the stock room on one of those foldable chairs at a foldable table with his eyes glued to the clock. He can't wait to get home.

For the past month, Sanji had been stopping by after Zoro got home from work and brought him dinner since he lives so close to the restaurant. He was serious about getting to know Zoro. And Zoro is not opposed to seeing the blonde that he is slowly coming to terms with having a crush on so often. They irritate each other to no end, but it's a tolerable irritation. Zoro does it more to get a rise out of the chef than anything. Since he's never really had the chance to explore feelings like this before, directed at a man or a woman, he's acting like a kid would by teasing their crush. He had limited exposure to other kids growing up, and his choice of occupation didn't really allow him to get close to anyone. He preferred the no-strings-attached emotionless connections when he sought out pleasure. So emotionally, he is just a little kid teasing his crush.

The clock strikes 5 and Zoro launches out of his seat and clocks out. He heads to his locker and grabs his jacket and helmet, practically flies out the door and heads for his motorcycle. About the only thing he had really splurged on with his hit money was this bike. There isn't a single day that he regrets the strange looks when he dug a couple wads of cash out of his pocket. He even got a custom paint job; a deep almost black green with matte black accents. It's his baby.

Speaking of hit money, he should be getting some coming in soon. He's taken, or been forced into, 3 jobs since they found him again. Even though they're using extortion to make him comply now, Zoro knows they won't make him do it for free. He does still have a contract, and even if he did bail out on it for 5 years it still hasn't nulled. He should be getting a call soon about a pick up then.

Weaving in and out of traffic in attempt to get home faster, not that it always works he still manages to take an hour to get home no matter how fast he drives somehow, he feels his phone buzz in his pocket. At the next red light he pulls it out and sees a text from the shit cook. With a smirk he opens the message.

 _Can't come by today, I got a date with this really hot girl tonight. Stop by the restaurant tomorrow so I can brag about how great it goes._

Zoro feels like the world was just pulled out from under him. He has a date. With a girl. That's right. Sanji likes girls. How could Zoro have not thought of that? He had been so caught up in coming to terms with his own emotions that he didn't even think about that little detail. He hears a honk from behind him and quickly puts his phone away and shifts into gear to continue his drive home at a much slower pace.

-:-

Zoro has been staring at a blank TV screen for about an hour now. Sanji doesn't like men. Zoro is a man. A very masculine, heavily muscled, rough around the edges man. There is nothing about him that would attract Sanji.

He needs some kind of reassurance in his life right now. There is too much going on between the organization and his friends bothering him about his supposed drinking issues for him to add this to the growing pile of shit. He picks up his phone and opens his messages with Nami.

 _You busy tonight?_

Even if he doesn't tell her anything her presence will give Zoro some kind of solace. Thankfully Nami is a very prompt responder.

 _Nope, what's up?_

Zoro sighs in relief. _You up for a shitty movie marathon and some shitty pizza?_

 _Please kill me if I ever say no._

Zoro laughs humorlessly at that. If she only knew. His phone buzzes again.

 _I'll be right over!_

Some 20 minutes later Nami is walking through the door. Zoro doesn't bother with the lock if he knows she's coming, she will come in either way. She's carrying a box of that ready-to-eat-when-you-get-there pizza and a case of beer. "I didn't bring this beer for you, just so you know. I'm still not convinced you won't go overboard."

"It's like 3 beers each! Oh, whatever. Hand over the pizza."

-:-

Nami can't take it anymore. That look on his face is heartbreaking. Zoro clearly asked her over for a reason, but he won't outright say it. She pauses the movie and shifts on the ratty couch to confront the man.

"What are you doing?"

"Spill it."

"Spill what?"

"Don't give me that, Zoro. You look like shit. What's going on?"

Zoro gives Nami a challenging look and she holds eye contact, she's not backing down on this. He sighs and his entire body slumps like he had been putting forth a lot of effort to hold himself together and now that he knows Nami knows something is up he can finally relax a bit.

"I found someone I'm interested in."

"Really?! Zoro, that's great! Who is she?"

"That's the problem. It's a he."

Oh. Zoro likes guys? Nami has never seen him with a guy before. Plenty of girls. He takes to take home girls all the time; he's an attractive man he can get almost any girl he wants for the night. Hell, he trapped one underneath his drunken self not that long ago. But he's never taken home another man. Not that Nami has seen. She needs to say something that doesn't sound like she's judging him for this. She couldn't care less if he wants to be with a man. She's just excited that he is actually showing interest in being with someone for more than one night.

"Why is that a problem, Zoro?"

"I've never looked at another man like that before." So this is new, then. "And I've never really felt like this towards women or anyone, either. I never let emotions get involved." He sounds like he's just thinking out loud now.

"Why don't you ask him out?"

"I can't."

"Why not? There's nothing wrong with liking guys, Zoro."

"No, I know that. Its weird and all, but I'm already passed all the confusing self realization bullshit."

"Then what's wrong?"

If it's even possible, Zoro looks more defeated than he had when Nami first brought the topic up. "He doesn't like guys."

Oh. Oh, no, Zoro. Nami's heart breaks for him. The only person Zoro has truly been interested in, and he will never like him back. Nami breaks her no alcohol for Zoro rule and leans forward to grab a beer off the coffee table. "Here. This is an exception."

He chuckles at the gesture. "Thanks, but I think I'd rather just stay sober right now. Really feeling this is a good incentive to get over him."

"Oh, Zoro. Come here." Nami grabs him by the shoulders and maneuvers him so he lies down on the couch, his head in her lap. She un-pauses the movie and combs her fingers through his soft short green hair. She hears snoring ten minutes later. They are both asleep before the movie is even over.

-:-

The next morning Zoro wakes up on his couch with a weight slumped over his upper body. He turns slightly and opens his eyes to see Nami leaned over him asleep. He smiles at her and carefully moves himself to a sitting position while lowering her to the couch. He gets up to make some coffee and walks over to stare out one of the few windows in his apartment while he waits for the pot to fill. He's still feeling pretty despondent, but talking about it out loud helped a little. He hears shifting on the couch.

"Zoro? How you doing?"

He turns to look at her peeking over the couch at him. Her long orange hair hair is a mess and her eyes are barely open, still fighting back sleep. "I'm alright."

"You want me to call in sick and hang out today?"

"You don't need to do that."

"Yes I do. Where'd I put my phone…"

The rest of the day two of them ate Chinese take out and marathoned bad made for TV movies using each other as pillows.

Zoro's phone alerts him that he has a new message around 3 pm from the shit cook. He debates whether or not to open it, but his curiosity wins out.

 _So the date wasn't brag worthy. You want to stop by the restaurant for dinner anyways?_

Zoro's mood brightens a bit at that. So the date sucked. And he can see Sanji later. He may not be able to have his feelings returned, but he can still be friends with the guy.

 _As long as its still free. When do you want me there?_

 _I really should start charging you. How about 8? The dinner rush should die down around then._

 _I'll see you at 8_.

"Who's that?"

"Hm? Oh, just the shit cook."

"You two seemed to have really hit it off. Weren't you two at each other's throats the first time you met?"

"Yeah, well, I get free food a few times a week out of him, so I figure I can put up with him."

"The way to your heart really is your stomach."

Zoro flashes a grin. "What other way is there?"

Nami makes her exit around 6, night will be falling soon and she has to actually go to work tomorrow morning.

Zoro peels himself off the couch, he really feels like he's become a part of the thing, and heads to the bathroom.

He looks in the mirror. He does look like shit. He shrugs and reaches for his razor and shaving cream. The cook will pitch a fit if he looks like he just rolled out of bed while eating in his restaurant. He rinses off his face, brushes his teeth and reaches to turn on the shower with his toothbrush still sticking out of his mouth. He hears muffled ringing from his phone, but figures whoever it is can just leave a message or call back later if its really that important. He could really use this shower right now.

He steps under the spray and finishes with his teeth. He aims his toothpastey spit at the drain and rinses his mouth out. Grabbing the however many in one soap combination bottle, Zoro squirts some of its contents into his hand and soaps up his hair and body, and quickly rinses off. He stands under the warm water for a few minutes letting his muscles relax. This month or however long it has been has really been taxing.

After turning off the water, he exits the shower and wipes off the condensation that built up on the mirror. He looks a little better now. Satisfied that he is clean enough to not be kicked out without food from the cook, Zoro heads to his room and grabs some clothing off the floor. What Sanji doesn't know won't hurt him.

At about 7, Zoro heads off to the restaurant after digging out his phone from between the couch cushions and shoves it in his pocket with his keys and wallet. He always needs the extra time to get there. The cook can get them to All Blue in about 5 minutes, but Zoro is positive Sanji can summon a fucking portal or something because he has no idea how he does it.

45 minutes later the sun has set and Zoro can see the back alley to All Blue. He never shows up at the front entrance, it's always the back he comes across first. Go figure.

As he enters the alley he feels the hair on the back of his neck rise. Something isn't right. Before he can even think to turn and look behind him he feels a hand over his mouth and hears a voice whisper in his ear. "You should really answer your phone when she calls you."

Zoro turns around as fast as he can, but he doesn't even have a chance to defend himself before a flash of steel enters his vision and he hears a pained yell. He opens his mouth to speak, but he only manages to spit up some blood. Where did that come from? What just happened? He sees a man retreating from the alleyway with a claymore the size of Zoro and a feathered hat. He touches his chest and it feels wet. He looks at his torso only to see red covering his entire shirt and all at once he feels the pain. He hears another shout of pain, but this time he registers that it is his own voice.

So the organization sent someone after him. Why? What had this guy said? _Answer your phone_. So that's who called him while he was taking a shower. Motherfucking shit.

He can tell he's bleeding out and tries to stand up so he can do something about this, he doesn't remember falling to the ground, but he just topples over into a puddle of his own blood. He hears someone asking him what happened, and all he can think to do is laugh. He should stop, that hurts.

"What happened?" Again. Can't they see it? He's practically sliced in two why are they asking.

"Shit, I need to call an ambulance! You're bleeding out! What the fuck happened, Zoro?"

Ambulance? No. He can't go to the hospital. How does he explain this? "No. No hospital."

"Why the fuck not?! I'm calling an ambulance."

"No. Just, just trust me. I can't… I… No hopsital." Ugh he can't even speak clearly anymore. "Just close me'up. It'll be ok." His eyes close and he can hear whoever it is next to him dialing his phone. He's calling an ambulance, that fucker.

"Chopper? Hey are you working? Actually I don't care if you're working, I need you right now. Yes, medical emergency. No, he won't let me take him to a hospital. Bring something to stitch up a wound. Quickly. I'm behind All Blue. Thank you. Zoro? You still there? I have a friend coming he's a doctor. He's going to fix you up, ok?"

Zoro can't find the energy to respond. He's decided to take a nap.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: another day another update.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the character, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.**

Sanji had just walked out the side door of his restaurant for a quick smoke break and to make sure Zoro wasn't wandering the alley way again on his way to All Blue when he heard someone yell from the back of the restaurant. It sounded like someone is in horrible pain, so Sanji rushes to the back alley. As he rounds the corner he sees Zoro looking down at his chest and then he hears that agonized yell again, but this time it sounds almost like he just now realized he was actually in pain.

Zoro slumps to the ground and is still for a few heartbeats. Sanji notices all the blood now. That is a lot of blood, way too much blood. He walks over to Zoro, who is now trying to get up but promptly collapses back into the growing pool of blood underneath him.

"Zoro! Why are you bleeding? What happened?" Sanji drops to the ground next to Zoro and notices the diagonal slit that is oozing blood in Zoro's shirt from his left shoulder to his right hip. Holy fuck. Zoro starts laughing of all things. Like this is the funniest thing to ever happen to him, until he realizes that moving his chest that much hurts and he stops.

"What happened?" _Come on, Zoro. Talk to me. Stay with me._ "Shit, I need to call an ambulance! You're bleeding out! What the fuck happened, Zoro?"

"No. No hospital."

"Why the fuck not?! I'm calling an ambulance." Sanji pulls his phone out and smears red all over it. He tries to find a clean part of his pants to wipe it off on.

"No. Just, just trust me. I can't… I… No hopsital. Just close me'up. It'll be ok."

 _No, it won't be ok. What am I supposed to close you up with?!_ Sanji has the greatest epiphany he has ever had in his life. He knows a doctor. He is good friends with a doctor. He can call this doctor friend and he can help Zoro.

He navigates his phone screen to his contacts and searches for the doctor in question. _Shit, do I have him under Tony or Chopper?_ He selects the name he needs and quickly holds his phone to his ear ignoring the blood that is coating his hair from the action. The phone rings twice before a he hears the line pick up.

"Chopper? Hey are you working? Actually I don't care if you're working, I need you right now."

 _"Sanji? Is everything ok? Do you have a medical problem?"_ He probably shouldn't have startled the young doctor like that, but he's frantic at this point. He has one less hand to hold Zoro together with now.

"Yes, medical emergency."

" _Can you get to a hospital?"_

"No, he won't let me take him to a hospital." Sanji puts as much need and desperation behind his voice as he can muster. Chopper needs to understand that he must get here in as few words as possible.

 _"Ok, ok, Sanji calm down. I'll head over right away."_

"Bring something to stitch up a wound. Quickly. I'm behind All Blue. Thank you." Sanji tosses his phone to the ground just outside of the reaches of the blood on the ground. "Zoro? You still there? I have a friend coming he's a doctor. He's going to fix you up, ok?"

Sanji is desperately trying to hold Zoro's body together. He has Zoro's blood smeared up to his elbows and all over the front of his navy button down. The shirt is ruined anyways so he takes it off and uses it to try and stop the bleeding, as futile as it seems. What in the fuck happened?

Why isn't Zoro responding anymore?

He needs Chopper now.

"Sanji?"

"Chopper?!"

"Yes, I'm coming! Where are you?"

"Back here!"

Chopper finally made it. Sanji has no idea how long it took, but he's here and he has a bag full of medical goodies that will make this all right.

"Oh my… Sanji what happened?! He needs to be in the hospital!"

"I don't know! He wouldn't let me call an ambulance, so I called you, I didn't know what else to do."

"Ok, let me see." Chopper goes swiftly into doctor mode, lightly moving Sanji's hands off of Zoro and pushing off Sanji's shirt that is covering the wound. Sanji hears Chopper gasp and then rip Zoro's shirt the rest of the way so he can pull it off the man.

The wound looks so much worse without the shirt covering it. Sanji is pretty sure he can actually see inside of Zoro. He thinks he might be sick.

"He's lost too much blood, he really needs a blood transfusion. You should have told me, I could have grabbed a bag of blood… Hang on, Sanji, what's your blood type?"

"O-negative… What are you thinking Chopper?"

"PERFECT HOLD STILL." Chopper grabs Sanji's arm and carefully stabs a needle into his the crook of his arm. "I'm so glad I kept these in here, I had almost taken them out!" He did the same to one of Zoro's arms, and then connected plastic tubing between the two men. "You're the blood transfusion. Now stay there, and keep your end elevated above his, but below your heart. I have to stitch him up now."

Chopper works silently and swiftly to close up the gaping wound across Zoro's torso only speaking if he needed Sanji to hold the wound closed a little.

"Finished. I don't have any bandages with me, but he needs to be cleaned off anyways so I guess it's better that I don't wrap him up. How are you feeling Sanji? I don't want to take too much blood from you."

"I'm ok."

"I'm going to stop the transfusion, give me your arm. We need to get him out of this alley. He needs to get cleaned up and he needs a lot of rest to replenish his blood supply."

"He lives about a street or two over."

Sanji and Chopper lift Zoro and gently carry him to Chopper's small sedan and place him in the back seat. Sanji directs the young doctor to Zoro's apartment building and the two heft the large man up the stairs. Sanji really wishes Zoro lived in a place with an elevator.

"I have to get back to work, but can you stay with him Sanji?"

"Yeah, I can stay."

"Great. Call me if you need anything. He's going to be in a lot of pain when he wakes up. For now just get him cleaned up. The stitches are ok under water, so don't worry about getting them wet."

"I will. Thank you so much, Chopper. I really owe you one."

Chopper leaves and Sanji maneuvers Zoro into the tub. He pulls off Zoro's pants, the only remaining clothing on him. Every inch of him is stained red it seems. He turns on the water, letting it warm up in the tub spout before pulling the diverter and spraying over Zoro through the showerhead.

"Oops, sorry moss-head." Sanji re-positions the showerhead so it isn't spraying Zoro directly in the face. He watches as the blood starts to reveal more and more tanned skin. He grabs a washcloth and helps the water rinse away the remaining blood that had either dried or was too thick to be washed away by the spray alone. He uses this opportunity to wipe the blood off of himself too. He scrubs at his arms and his chest. He's not as clean as he wants to be since he's not actually in the shower, but it will do for now.

Sanji notices his pants and shoes are trailing blood through the apartment. Shit. At least Zoro's floors aren't all carpet. He takes off his remaining clothing and piles them up with Zoro's bloodied pants. Before moving the injured man out of the tub, Sanji grabs some pants from Zoro's room: one pair for Zoro and one pair for himself including a shirt. They're both a little big, but if he pulls the drawstring to the pants they stay up.

He lifts Zoro out of the tub and onto some towels on the bathroom floor so he can dry him off and make sure there's no more blood on him. He slides the pants over Zoro's legs and stands up. He can't take his eyes off of the hastily closed wound.

Zoro should be dead. No one should be able to live through that. Sanji saw his insides. All of his blood is now on the ground behind All Blue.

He spins on his heel and barely makes it to the toilet in time. He empties his stomach contents and dry heaves a few times before he can collect himself.

After rinsing his mouth out, Sanji lifts up Zoro again, this time to move him to his bed.

Sanji flops himself on Zoro's tattered old couch in the living room. He just finished cleaning up all the blood tracked in, wiped down the bathroom, and took a proper shower. He smells like Zoro's nasty 6-in-1 whatever the fuck it is, but he's clean and he can finally sit down. And Zoro is alive.

Now all Sanji has to do is wait for him to wake up.

-:-

Despite how exhausted he is, Sanji cannot sleep. He's been trying all night, but his mind just won't shut off.

Why wouldn't Zoro let him call an ambulance? Surely he didn't want to just bleed out. He's obviously a little fucked up given all the drinking, but he doesn't seem suicidal. Did he know who did that to him? Is that why? He didn't want to get them in trouble with law enforcement? Though after something like that Sanji can't imagine why.

Zoro had mentioned that he participates in underground fighting before. Maybe some sore loser came to get his revenge? Maybe he owed some money; they place bets at those fights, right?

Whatever the reason, he obviously did not want to explain what happened to anyone.

A metaphorical light bulb just lit up in Sanji's head. He has a question left. One of those 'ask anything and you get an answer from Zoro' questions that he saved up for a later date. Well, if Zoro won't offer up any information willingly, Sanji is not above using his question.

Feeling better about getting some answers, Sanji's mind allows him to drift off but not completely. Part of his brain is still listening for movement from Zoro.

-:-

Sanji is brought immediately to consciousness and snaps his body upright on the couch. What was that?

He blinks the sleep from his eyes and notices the sun streaming through the windows of Zoro's living room. The microwave clock says its 11:34 am. He should probably check on Zoro. He does his best not to think that Zoro could not have made it through the night.

He hears whatever woke him up again. What is that? He closes in on Zoro's bedroom and looks through the doorway. That's what that noise is. Zoro is… awake already? His eyes are closed and his face is scrunched up, his arms are wrapped around his torso and he's curled up in the fetal position making what Sanji can only describe as an agonized whimpering moan. Guess that's what happens when the doctor doesn't give you pain medication.

Sanji sees some red on the sheets and is instantly at Zoro's side. "Stop moving. Zoro, hey, stop moving. Lay down. You're making it bleed. I know it hurts, but you have to stop moving." Sanji pushes Zoro onto his back carefully and inspects the wound around Zoro's arms that are still laced around himself. It doesn't look like the stitches broke, just bleeding a little. Good.

"Cook? What are you…?" Zoro had opened his eyes slightly. Sanji is so relieved to hear him speaking.

"Do you remember what happened?"

"What happened…?" Zoro's eyes shoot open all the way and he makes a move to sit up.

"Woah, Zoro, stop. Stop moving." Sanji pushes the green haired man back on the bed, but he is remarkably strong and is putting up quite the fight even in this state.

"Where is my phone? I need my phone. I didn't miss any more calls, did I?" Why is he so concerned about his phone? Is he delirious from blood loss? He's never seemed like he cared a whole lot for his phone before.

"Its probably in the pants you were wearing, do you want me to get it?"

"Yeah. I need my phone." He looks anxious.

"I'll grab it, just stay there." Sanji locates the missing object and flips the phone open with his thumb. Zoro really still has a flip phone. What year does he think it is? "I found it, no missed calls or anything."

"Bring it here." He looks a lot calmer now. But the pain is starting to seep back into his face. The adrenaline rush from his missing phone must be wearing off.

Sanji sits on the bed next to the man and returns his phone to him. "How you feeling?"

"I'm great. Did you close this up?" He motions to his torso and looks at it questioningly.

"No, I have a good friend who happens to be a doctor. I called him, since you were adamantly refusing that I call an ambulance."

"Thanks for that. Not calling an ambulance."

"Yeah, why was that?"

"Don't like hospitals; they ask too many questions." Zoro closes his mouth quickly like he said too much and glances over at Sanji.

Sanji narrows his eyes at the injured man. He wants some answers, and Zoro just provided him the perfect segue into that conversation.

"Zoro. Why don't you want the hospital to ask questions about this? What happened?"

Zoro remains silent with a scowl firmly in place. He's not making any moves towards answering.

"Alright. I didn't want to have to do this, but I'm using my last question."

"What are you talking about?"

"You gave me three questions, and I still haven't used my last one. I'm using it now. What's going on, Zoro?"

Sanji can tell Zoro is really regretting giving Sanji the opportunity to ask questions. He sits in silence for a few minutes before answering. "I pissed someone off. This was more or less a warning to not do that again."

"This was a warning…"

"I'm not dead am I?"

Who the fuck is Zoro involved with? Sanji carefully constructs his next sentence to not sound like a question so Zoro doesn't refuse to answer. "You're answer could use a little more elaboration."

"I'm not comfortable doing that." Zoro's entire body has tensed up. He's not looking at Sanji, but staring straight ahead.

"Zoro. I just saw you cleaved in two, I need to know what is going on."

"No. You don't."

"Yes I-"

"Sanji. No. There are some things that you don't need to, and probably don't want to know about me. I would really appreciate it if you just let it be." Zoro still hasn't looked in Sanji's direction. Zoro's phone begins ringing in his hand and his eyes snap to it immediately. "I need to take this." He nods towards his door and Sanji reluctantly moves to it. He waits to answer the phone until Sanji closes the door, but Sanji stays just outside of it. Zoro had been expecting this call.

-:-

The door clicks closed, but he knows Sanji hasn't moved away from it. Taking that into consideration he answers his phone.

"Yeah?"

 _"So you didn't die, did you? Mihawk is the best, he knows how to apply just the right amount of pressure to a body."_

"What do you want?"

 _"Don't be so rude, Roronoa, I just wanted to see how our rogue swordsman was fairing. You missed my call yesterday."_

"I wasn't able to get to it in time."

 _"I'm sorry to hear that. We just had to make sure you weren't trying to disappear on us again. We can't have that. But now that I know you are where you should be, I guess I have to let you recover for a while. Can't risk you botching a job in your condition."_

"Yeah." If that is how they react when the think he's trying to leave again, what would they do if he actually left? He can't leave now, everyone he knows would be in danger. It's too risky to disappear again.

 _"You're being very short with me. Could there be someone near by, or are you angry with me?"_

"Yep."

She gives a 'hm' in way of a laugh and Zoro can just imagine the sarcastic smile that goes with it. _"I guess I should let you go then… Oh and Roronoa, you should be getting a call soon regarding your compensation for your services. I wish you a speedy recovery."_ The line goes dead after she finishes speaking.

"Fuck!" Zoro winces after his outburst, he needs to remember that his chest is split in two right now.

"Sanji. I know you're at the door. Just come back in."

The door opens and the cook looks warily at Zoro but doesn't move any further into the room. "I don't know what is it you're involved in, but just be careful. I'll bring you by something to eat later. Try not to move around too much." And with that Sanji leaves.

Zoro has only known Sanji for a little over a month, but he knows a hell of a lot more about Zoro than anyone else.

-:-

Sanji can't sit still. He's been trying to get comfortable for the last hour, he's been moving from room to room in his apartment. That entire interaction with Zoro this morning left him restless. Does anyone else know that Zoro is connected to something shady? They don't act like it. They're more concerned that Zoro will drink himself to death than be killed by being sliced in two.

Who can he ask about this? Zoro seems really close to Nami, but Sanji doesn't want to burden that beautiful flower with something so foul if she doesn't know. The next person he thinks of is Ace. If anyone knows something, it should be Ace.

He reaches for his phone and calls the dark haired man. He needs to see him for some answers.

-:-

Ace sets down the game controller on the coffee table after hearing knocking on his door. "Coming!" He hops off the couch and opens the door to an anxious looking blonde. "Sanji, hey, come in. You wanted to talk?"

"Yeah." He settles himself on the couch and sits silently for a moment thinking over what he wants to say. "How much do you actually know about Zoro?"

"Zoro? I don't know, I mean I've known him for about 5 years. He moved here 5 years ago, Luffy found him somewhere and he just started hanging around. He keeps to himself a lot, especially if he starts drinking. He never really said much about what he was doing before we met him."

"You don't know anything about before he moved here?"

"Not much. Why?"

"Isn't that kind of weird?"

"Yeah, I guess, but he's a really private guy. He's not comfortable talking about himself. And I know he has a troubled past. He did let it slip once that he doesn't have family, and never really did, he grew up on the streets. And that he never went to school. I didn't really want to dig up old ghosts, you know, so I never asked much unless he brought it up. Why are you asking?"

"He's been… acting weird lately. More weird than normal, I feel like he's hiding something."

"Zoro always acts weird. The weirder he acts, the more often he's been drinking and he's trying to hide it. So you're probably right about that. Don't look too much into it." Zoro's habits are something you have to just get used to. He's not very consistent. "Speaking of his drinking habit, have you gotten anywhere with that? We've all been trying to talk to him about it but he just brushes us off."

Sanji looks reluctant to answer. "Hey, you don't have to tell me anything personal he's told you. I'm just curious if he's able to talk to anyone about it."

"He's opened up a little to me. He did admit that he's not ok."

"Really? That's… I've been trying to get him to do that for a long time." What did Sanji say to him to get him to actually admit to that? Or open up at all? He barely knows the guy.

"I guess it's because I'm more removed from the situation or something. He was more willing to talk to me once I reminded him of that."

So Zoro has found someone he can open up to. Ace is really happy for the man. Despite how close they all are with him, he has never felt comfortable enough to open up completely. They know next to nothing about his life before he just showed up one day.

Ace thinks that maybe they should round up some strangers off the street to interrogate their green-haired friend if that's all it takes. He wouldn't mind knowing a bit more about him, he has always been curious about his past.

"He tell you anything else?"

"Not much, more than you already know."

At this point in the conversation Luffy and Usopp burst through the door. "Ace, are you playing without me?! I thought you said you'd wait- Oh Sanji! Are you here for dinner? Please say yes, please say yes!"

Ace just rolls his eyes at his younger brother, but hopes that he is able to convince Sanji to make them dinner. Sanji really has a gift for food.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I CAN'T STOP. It just keeps coming, so here. Take it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.**

Zoro has been pretending that the entire almost dying thing never happened. He is remarkably skilled at hiding pain. He lets his pain show a little when he was around Sanji, or Chopper since Chopper would poke and prod at his wound. Chopper had been stopping by Zoro's with Sanji from time to time to check up on him. He keeps saying how Zoro is the worst patient he has ever had. Zoro seems really proud about that.

But Zoro never spoke about anything else surrounding the topic. He never brought up that conversation he and Sanji had after he woke up, or that phone call. Sanji knows Zoro won't acknowledge it if he even brings it up, so he's settled for just keeping an eye out for any unusual behavior. He has noticed that Zoro has not been drinking himself into oblivion or disappearing for any amount of time or having any more mysterious phone calls.

It has been almost two months since it happened. Sanji has spent more time than he ever thought he would around the stupid moss man to make sure he's not over straining himself and that he's properly feeding himself while recovering. As a result, he cannot get him out of his head. Sanji is constantly planning something for Zoro to have for dinner, or wondering if he's opened the wound again because he went to work and lifted a couple hundred pound box onto the highest shelf of the storage room. Something he does nearly every week. He refused to call out of work saying that it's just a scratch. Sanji nearly reopened Zoro's chest himself by kicking him off the couch for saying that one.

Sanji can't help but notice that despite how reluctant Zoro seemed to be around Sanji right after Zoro's injury, Zoro always brightens up a bit when he sees him. And while he doesn't out right compliment Sanji's food, he doesn't say it tastes like shit anymore either.

It's Thursday and Sanji usually stops by Zoro's around 6 to bring him some dinner after work. Sanji was running late and got there an hour later than usual, but Zoro isn't answering the door. Maybe he's not home yet. He waits 15 minutes or so outside his door, but still no Zoro. So Sanji calls him. No answer, straight to voicemail. Sanji tries the door to see if its open, and it gives way.

"Moss man? Hey are you here?" Sanji receives no response, and searches the small apartment, but finds no Zoro. He decides to put the food in the fridge and waits for him in the living room. The idiot probably got lost on his way home. How he gets anywhere is a mystery to Sanji.

Sanji was moments away from sleep when the door slams open and Zoro stalks through. "Hey, I've been waiting for you, dinner is in the fridge. Where have you…" When he catches the look in Zoro's eyes the words die in his throat. He looks… feral.

"What are you doing in here." He demands. He doesn't even ask. He has that odd long case that he had said contained his swords strapped across his back, he seems to realize this and quickly takes it off over his head and places it in his room.

"Its Thursday, I brought dinner over, did you forget?"

"You need to get out of here."

"What? Why?"

"Just go!" Zoro is immediately in his small kitchen grabbing no less than 3 handles of various liquors. Isn't that a bit excessive? He's a big guy, but that's… wow. He rips the cap off the first one and pours it down his throat barely stopping to breathe.

"Hey, Zoro, slow down. You're going to drown yourself!"

"Exactly. I need to drown it." He's shaking and looks a little unhinged. He finishes the first bottle and reaches for the second. Sanji can't believe the capacity this man has for putting away alcohol. He's never really seen him drink before.

"Drown what? Zoro… What are you doing?" He is not going to sit here and watch this man drink himself to his death. Sanji was sure that he was getting better; he hadn't had a drunken mishap for almost 2 months now.

Zoro grabs the third handle and slides down against the wall in his kitchen to the floor. He has his eyes closed tightly as he blindly unscrews the top to the new bottle. Sanji doesn't know why this is happening, but he has a hunch that this is what happens before Zoro goes on a drinking binge for a few days. He needs to stop this. "Zoro? You should probably leave that one alone. You've had enough."

"No. I need this. I need to drown it. I don't want to feel this. It's horrible. I'm horrible." He lifts the bottle to his lips and take a long pull off of it.

"What are you drowning, Zoro?"

"The euphoria." He looks disgusted after uttering the word and takes a longer pull from the bottle this time. Zoro is definitely not in his right mind right now.

"Why don't you put that down for a bit?" Sanji crouches down in front of Zoro and looks at the mess of a man. He refuses to drop the bottle and drains the rest of the liquid before letting it fall from his hand to the floor. He's starting to relax a little and leans his head back against the wall with a thunk.

"Sanji, I don't want you to see me like this."

"Tough shit, moss-head. I am. And now that I've seen it I'm not leaving."

"Please, cook, just go. I'm a horrible person. Such a horrible person." He closes his eyes and shakes his head back and forth. Sanji is at a loss for words. What happened to break this man down like this?

"Why do you think you're a horrible person?" Zoro never responds to that question. He just leans forward and supports his weight on Sanji. Sanji puts his arms around the man and they sit there like that for a while.

Sanji thought maybe Zoro had fallen asleep until he feels Zoro pulling away from him. He looks completely wasted. The alcohol had definitely hit him. His face is flushed, he's swaying, and he has a dopey grin on his face. Sanji has never seen that kind of expression on Zoro. It looks absolutely ridiculous. He opens his mouth to speak, and then it looks like he thought better of it and changed his course of action to standing up, or trying to. He pushes himself against the wall and uses it to rise off the ground.

He doesn't look quite so bad when he's walking around, though he is definitely not walking straight. He amazingly grabs yet another bottle and starts to drink from it.

"Woah, Zoro. No, you do not need anymore."

"I do this all the time, cook, I know how much I need. And I need this." He drinks half of that bottle in a single go. At least this one is a regular sized bottle, and not an entire handle. If this is how Zoro normally drinks, Sanji doesn't understand how he is still alive. He looks at Sanji over the top of the bottle and gives him a drunken smile before finishing off the rest of the bottle.

"Why don't you come sit down, Zoro? Come here. Let's go to the couch." Sanji pulls Zoro's more willing than expected body to the couch and he pulls Sanji down with him. Sanji tries to sit up, but Zoro has his arms tight around him. He never would have thought of him as a cuddler. Sanji can't help but laugh at this behavior from the large man. "Zoro let me up. What are you doing?"

Zoro pulls back slightly to look at Sanji's face and opens his mouth again to say something, but once again decides not to. His head lolls back for a second and his eyes close before he snaps back up and shakes his head. He blinks a few times like he can't really see and finally lets go of Sanji and the two sit up. "You alright?"

Zoro looks at him like he just realized he was there. A slow smile grows on his face. "Cook."

"Yeah, hey, Zoro." This is starting to scare Sanji. How did he forget he was here? Zoro reaches a hand out and hits Sanji in the face and settles it on his cheek.

"Sorry, cook. I'm a little… out of it today." He leans his head forward resting his forehead on Sanji's and looks him in the eyes with a very serious expression. "You're a good person, Sanji. I don't know how you can stand to be around me."

"You're not a bad person, moss-head."

"You really think so?" The poor man looks so hopeful at those words.

"Of course."

"You wouldn't think that if you knew." Zoro's entire demeanor changed, he looks disgusted with himself. Sanji wants to cut out whatever part of Zoro that is telling him to feel this way.

"Knew what?"

"I can't tell you. There're a lot of things I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"I'm a monster." He spits the word out like its poison.

Sanji places his hands on both sides of Zoro's head. He needs to at least try to talk some sense into him. Zoro's eyes move back to Sanji's with a curious expression. "Zoro." Before he can get anymore words out Zoro had pulled Sanji's face towards his own and pressed their lips together. Sanji drops his hands and freezes. What is happening? Zoro tries to push Sanji back down on the couch, but Sanji pulls himself together and turns his head away from Zoro. "Zoro, what are you doing?"

Zoro blinks a few times and fear enters his eyes. He jumps off the couch, stumbles to and closes himself in his room. Sanji heads after him and tries to open the door, but he locked it. "Zoro, open the door."

"Go'way." Sanji can hear movement behind the door, something breaking and a loud thump.

"If you don't open the door I'm breaking it down!" Sanji doesn't want to leave Zoro unattended after witnessing the amount he drank.

Sanji goes ahead and kicks the door in. Zoro is in a heap on his bedroom floor. It looks like he finally passed out. Sanji places the unconscious man on his bed and takes in the sight of him.

Maybe that's what he meant by being a horrible person. Does Zoro think he's disgusting because he likes men? He doesn't seem like the person who would think that way, but this is the only explanation that Sanji can come up with right now. He runs his hand through Zoro's surprisingly soft green hair and places his hand on his cheek. "You're not disgusting, Zoro."

Sanji's lips tingle at remembering Zoro's against his and he feels something tugging at his heart, but he doesn't know what to call it.

-:-

Zoro gradually comes to consciousness and rolls over. There's something next to him. Did he go out last night? He remembers drinking a lot after getting home, but not bringing anyone home with him. He opens his eyes and sees the cook. He immediately closes them.

Everything comes back to him at once. He kissed Sanji. He actually did that. He opens his eyes again and stares at the blonde. What is he still doing here though, and in his bed of all places? Didn't he reject him? Maybe he thought it was just a drunken fluke. Zoro hopes he does.

Either way, Zoro doesn't want to be here when he wakes up. He leaves the cook in his bed and leaves the apartment. He needs to talk to someone about this.

He finds himself on Nami's doorstep a couple of hours later. He is still drunk and navigating the city is hard enough when he's sober. He knocks on the door and waits.

He hears locks turning and the door cracks open to reveal a barely awake Nami. "Zoro? What are you doing here? It's like 4 am."

Zoro hadn't noticed that the sun wasn't even out yet. "Oh. Sorry. I didn't realize."

"Is everything ok?"

Zoro shakes his head.

"Come on, you need to eat something. You've been drinking haven't you?"

Zoro nods. Nami pulls him inside and sits him at her dining table while she makes him a sandwich.

"You want to talk about it?" Nami stifles back a yawn.

Zoro is silent for a moment. Does he want to talk about it? Well he came here for a reason, he probably does. "I kissed him."

"You kissed who? Oh. OH. What happened?"

"He was there when I started drinking. I tried to make him leave but he wouldn't, and he was just trying to make me feel better but I took it the wrong way and I kissed him. And he pushed me off. I'm so stupid. I shouldn't have done that."

"Did he say anything?"

"Yeah, 'what are you doing, Zoro?' So I locked myself in my room." Thinking back that was a ridiculous idea. He shakes his head at himself. "But when I woke up, he was next to me. I didn't want to stick around and see what he would say when he woke up so I left."

Nami leans against the table after handing Zoro his sandwich. "It doesn't sound as bad as you probably think it is."

"No its bad. I'm not going to be able to look him in the eye after this."

Zoro notices Nami staring at him and turning things over in her head. "You never told me who he is."

Zoro shakes his head. He realized how hungry he was when he took the first bite of sandwich and subsequently stuffed the rest in his mouth. He never ate dinner.

Nami smacks his shoulder for his actions. "You're so gross. Who is he? If I'm helping you out with this I have to know who he is."

"What do you mean helping me out? There's nothing to help." Zoro only managed to swallow half of the contents in his mouth so his speech is a little muffled.

"Oh, please Zoro! He broke into your room after you locked yourself in there and slept next to you. Does that sound like someone who is that upset that you kissed him?" When Zoro doesn't give a reply she continues. "Look, he was probably worried that you would choke on your own vomit, and I know because I have seen you after your drinking binges," She gives him a pointed look and Zoro shrinks in on himself slightly out of shame, "but the fact that he cared enough to stay says a lot. If he was that upset about it, he would have left. And if he didn't care he probably would have left once he saw you down an entire shelf of liquor because who wants to deal with that? And you said he was trying to make you feel better, right? He definitely cares about you. He might not realize it yet, but he probably feels a lot like you do."

Zoro doesn't know what to say to all of that. It is a compelling argument, but this is Sanji they're talking about. Has she seen Sanji? He falls over himself around girls. Shit, he practically bows down at Nami's feet. Really, what does he see in him?

"So… Who is he Zoro?"

"You're probably going to laugh at me for this."

"Try me. Anything beats that pink haired girl you took home…"

"What pink haired girl?"

"Oh, right you don't even remember her! She was the one who was stuck under your drunk ass. But she's beside the point. Give me a name."

Pink hair? Oh! Zoro faintly remembers parts of that. That was an interesting one. He met her at some grungy underground type bar that he stumbled across in after he ran out of booze at home. She really liked it when Zoro –

"Gross Zoro, I can see you remembering that! Wipe that nasty smile off your face. Get back on topic."

Zoro's face loses its lewd expression and he drops his head. He mumbles out the name.

"What?"

"Sanji."

Zoro peeks up at Nami to see her expression, but its not what he was expecting. It looks almost… like she knew that already. Is it that obvious?

"I had a feeling that's who it was." She smiles at him. "Alright, well let's get you your cook."

-:-

Sanji wakes up and stretches. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes before opening them and being immediately thrown off. This is not his room. This is Zoro's room… He stayed here last night because Zoro tried to drown himself in alcohol. And Zoro kissed him… Why does that make Sanji's stomach squirm? Well where is the bastard? He was here when he fell asleep.

Sanji takes a quick survey of the apartment, but no Zoro. This feels a lot like last night before everything happened. Did he just fall asleep on Zoro's bed and dream that whole encounter? No, Zoro would have woken him up if he just fell asleep here.

So where is he?

Sanji is standing in the middle of the living room and behind him he hears the front door open slowly. He turns around and sees an awkward moss man walk through the door. "Oh, uh, you're up."

"Yeah. Where'd you go?"

"Nowhere… Um, I'm sorry about last night. You really shouldn't have had to see that."

Zoro hasn't even moved out of the doorway and he looks nervous. Why does he look nervous? Oh, right he kissed Sanji last night. Maybe he should say that its ok, and that he might actually want to try that again. No he doesn't, why would he want to do that? But he should say that it's ok.

"Don't worry about it. I'd rather have been here than have you hurt yourself. Can we talk about what happened, though?"

"What do you want to talk about? A lot happened…" Zoro grimaces.

"Well, let's start at the beginning." That whole encounter was brutal. "Do you remember what you were talking about?"

Zoro looks at the floor and nods.

"Zoro get out of the doorway. Come sit or something." He moves over to the couch and sits as far away from Sanji as he can. "Ok. So you remember. What did you mean when you said you were trying to 'drown it'?" That was what scared Sanji the most. He really thought he might try to drown himself.

Zoro shakes his head. "I don't want to talk about that."

"Is whatever that was the reason you drink that way? Does that happen a lot?"

"Sanji, I really don't want to talk about that." Zoro's face contorts in anger directed towards himself.

Sanji tries a new tactic. "Where were you before you came home?" Maybe if he knows that he can figure out the trigger for this.

Zoro just shakes his head and looks even angrier. They're not getting anywhere.

"Well, what are you comfortable talking about from last night then?"

Zoro just laughs. "None of it. I'm actually really uncomfortable that you were here."

Sanji feels bad making the man uncomfortable, but they really need to get to the bottom of this. Now that he's seen that, he can't just let it continue without doing anything with a good conscience. He doesn't want this to feel like an interrogation, but there're just so many things Zoro had said that Sanji wants answers to. "Zoro, why did you keep saying you're a horrible person?"

"Because I am." Sanji's head snaps to look at Zoro. He got somewhat of an answer that time. Let's go this direction then.

"Why?"

"Because I enjoy it."

"Enjoy what?"

Zoro is quiet for a long time. Sanji sees that he is really thinking on an answer, so he lets the silence sit until Zoro finds what he wants to say.

-:-

Zoro really wants to say it. _I enjoy killing people. I love it. It gives me a feeling that nothing else can. It's the best release I've ever gotten. It's my bliss._ But how insane does that sound? If Zoro even wants a chance with the blonde he can't say a word about that. But he has the chance to let this out. Sanji is the only person that he's actually thought about confiding in.

He can't do it.

It's too disturbing.

"I'm going to be sick." Zoro runs to the bathroom. He leans over the toilet and heaves the meager amount of food that occupied his stomach. He feels a hand rubbing up and down his back and into his hair.

"Are you alright?"

Zoro doesn't respond. He is so far from alright he can't even see it anymore. He hasn't been alright since, shit, he can't even remember anymore. He spits into the toilet to rid himself of the taste in his mouth and the thought the organization. Sanji hands him a glass of water and pulls him up by his arms, wraps an arm around his waist and steers him to his bed.

"You don't have to talk about it. Lets get you to bed. You've got to be exhausted after last night."

Zoro lets Sanji lay him down and put the covers over him. To his surprise, Sanji joins him.

"Cook, what are you doing?" This feels like a flashback to last night, only reversed.

Sanji smiles at him from his left. "I'm not sure, but it feels right." He settles down with his head on Zoro's shoulder and closes his eyes. Zoro places a tentative kiss to the cook's forehead and lays his head on top of Sanji's. It does feel right.

The feeling of the cook curled up into his side rivals what he feels after a job.

It's bliss.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: So I realize I haven't really talked about how old they are. I have mentioned that Zoro is 26 somewhere but no one else has been talked about. They are all aged up appropriately in relation to Zoro, besides Robin, Franky, and Brook. I wanted them all to be closer to the same age, so those three get to stay their original ages (post time-skip). And Brook is pre-dead age, I found something that said he was 38 when he died so I'm going with that.**

 **Just thought I'd clear that up in case anyone was wondering.**

 **Also, this is a much happier chapter poor Zoro needed a break, and some smut at the end. Happy reading!**

Sanji and Zoro spent the rest of the morning together in Zoro's bed just being near each other. Sanji wasn't sure what was happening in those moments, but he decided to think on it later. Zoro needed him there and not lost in his thoughts. Nothing happened beyond that innocent kiss Zoro placed on Sanji's head. They just simply enjoyed each other's presence.

Sanji was forced to leave Zoro and head to the restaurant once the afternoon rolled around. He really needed to check on everything. He doesn't trust the staff enough to be alone all day on a Friday.

Just as the thought, the All Blue was slammed with customers for dinner. He hardly got a chance to take a smoke break, let alone think about anything that had transpired in the last 24 hours. He is completely exhausted by the time he reaches his apartment and falls into bed.

But as tired as his body may be, his mind refuses to comply.

He can't get the green-haired man off his mind.

He lays in bed chain smoking, enjoying the feeling of the smoke sting his throat and the burn on his fingers when the cigarette cherry reaches the filter.

Oddly enough, nothing else comes to mind from the past two days besides those kisses he received from Zoro. They outshone everything else that had been floating around in his mind surrounding the man. And he didn't castoff the idea that he wanted more.

Sanji's heart starts to race as he realizes this. He's falling for another man and a man in every sense of the word. Zoro is nothing that Sanji ever thought he would want. But at the same time he is everything he wants right now.

And Zoro clearly feels the same way; there is no denying that.

Sanji feels that squirmy feeling in his stomach again. So that's what that is.

He places the butt of his last cigarette of the night in the ashtray kept on his nightstand and closes his eyes. Sanji thinks he might want to explore this. He's nervous as hell about it, but he really enjoyed how he felt this morning.

-:-

It's Saturday evening and Sanji's head is not where it should be. Saturdays are always busy in the restaurant world and everyone needs to be in the game for everything to go smoothly. But Sanji just isn't there. He's still thinking about his revelation about Zoro.

"Is it break time already, Sanji? I'm more than willing to join you, even though I just got here." Sanji hears the always-cheerful sound of Brook's voice approaching him. Brook sits across from him at the back table Sanji had been occupying for the last 20 minutes. A perk he is exercising as the owner of the place.

"Hm? Hey Brook, is it 7 already?"

"It is indeed, I was just about to start my set, unless you have something you would like to talk about? You seem like you have a lot on your mind, my friend."

"It's nothing you need to trouble yourself with."

"Sanji, you're not even paying attention to anything going on in your own restaurant. And being one of the employees of said restaurant, and one of your oldest friends, quite literally unless you have started hanging out with the senior crowd and have not told me, I feel that I do need to trouble myself."

Sanji groans. He's right. This is getting in the way of working. Maybe he should talk about it. "I've just had a eye-opening realization last night."

"Oh? Is this a good realization, or a not so good one?"

"I don't know. Good, I guess? It's more terrifying than bad, but… well terrifying isn't the right word." Sanji's been trying to come up with all the words for what he's feeling all day but he still can't pinpoint the right one.

"Terrifyingly good?" Brook laughs in that odd way only Brook can get away with. "Please, do explain." He leans forward on the table and places his face in his hands not even trying to conceal his excited interest.

"I don't even know how else to say this, so I guess I'll just say it." Sanji pauses briefly. He's actually going to say it out loud. He's going to make it real. "I think I'm falling for someone… and it's a man."

Brook tilts his head to the side in thought. "This I never thought I would see. Sanji, the infamous skirt chaser who rivals even myself in knowledge of women's undergarments, is falling for a man. You must tell me about him!"

Sanji laughs at Brooks words. This is exactly what he needed, Brook always knows how to cheer him up. Sanji and Brook talk about Zoro for about a half hour before Brook stands to go to his post for the night. Brook is here for a reason, and he has to go play his music for the customers.

"Well, Sanji, I would very much like to meet this man for myself. The green hair is something I have to see."

"Yeah, you should. I'll bring you around sometime. You'll like everyone else too."

Sanji's mind quiets down a bit after talking with Brook. He feels a little surer about wanting to be with Zoro. Those words together are definitely going to take some getting used to.

-:-

Zoro thankfully hasn't had any calls from that she-devil from the organization for the past month. He's been able to just relax when he's not working at his normal-person job.

He and Sanji haven't been able to see a whole lot of each other; Sanji has started getting a lot of catering requests now that his restaurant is becoming more popular. But ever since they spent the morning in bed together, they have been texting back and forth often. They haven't had a chance to talk about it, neither of them is really sure how to even go about that, but things haven't been awkward at all. And Zoro is infinitely grateful for that.

That Saturday, Ace and Luffy host a get-together for their friends as they do once almost every month. Zoro has come to terms that he is to be supervised while drinking since his friends don't trust him around alcohol anymore. They really don't need to do that since Zoro only goes overboard when it's entirely necessary and a party with friends is most certainly not the time nor place for that. But, he humors them and drinks slowly so he can savor the few drinks he is permitted, and maybe he sneaks a few extras in when no ones watching.

Zoro is currently seated on the couch watching the rambunctious trio of Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper as they are roaring with laughter and entertain themselves with household objects. They really are fun to watch when they start drinking. Chopper joined the group not long after he started treating Zoro's injury 3 months ago. He's one of Sanji's friends from high school, and although he is only 22, he is a full-blown doctor as Zoro knows very well by now, and he fits in just fine. He's also been quiet about Zoro's near death experience, and Zoro praises whoever thought up doctor-patient confidentiality.

Another of Sanji's friends has joined Zoro on the plush couch, Brook. He is fascinated by Zoro's hair, and is still skeptical that it is real. Zoro's given up trying to convince him. He's one to talk about hair though, that afro is something to be admired.

Robin has challenged Ace and Franky to a card game where the loser has to either drink an obscene amount or strip. Since Franky doesn't drink, he is only wearing a shirt and underwear at the moment. Zoro thinks Robin used some kind of reverse-psychology type shit on him so she could get his clothes off without him realizing. She's some big shot psychotherapist or something and uses her knowledge against all of them frequently.

As usual, Sanji is flitting around with food, and bringing special snacks to Nami and Robin while twirling around them. He can't help but wonder what makes Nami so sure that Sanji is interested in Zoro.

Speak of the devil, Nami comes by with two cold beers in hand and hands one to Zoro. This must be his next ration. "Hey, Zoro, come with me for a second." Or this is a bribe so she can get some information from him. Either way, he gets a beer so he follows.

They sit out on the fire escape that is accessible from the brothers' apartment and drink in silence for a moment.

"So, I've been watching Sanji tonight."

"Nami… please, please, do not do anything embarrassing." He's done enough of that himself, and while Sanji hasn't said anything about it or stopped talking to him, if anything they've been getting closer, he hasn't done anything to give Zoro the idea that his feelings are reciprocated. At least not after they shared a bed.

"I'm not! I haven't said a word to him about anything. I just said I've been watching him. And I've noticed that he's been watching you. Quite intently, actually."

Zoro's snaps his gaze to Nami. "What?"

"Zoro, he definitely likes you. Now, go do something about it, or I will. I'm tired of watching you guys averting your eyes from each other every time you make eye contact! You both are acting like blushing virgins. And you most certainly aren't that."

Zoro sighs and leans his head against the side of the building. "How do I even do that, Nami?"

She places a hand on his shoulder. "I forget that emotions are a whole new world for you sometimes. You'll figure it out. Just go with your gut, you act on instinct all the time."

The two finish up their beers and head back inside. Zoro returns to his spot on the couch and remains there for the rest of the night. He's not a big socializer.

The party starts dying down and Zoro supposes he should probably head home too. Sanji seems to have the same idea.

"Hey, Moss-head, you want a ride home? No use having you wandering the streets if I can drive."

This might be the perfect opportunity for Zoro to, as Nami put it, do something about it. "I don't appreciate the lack of direction jibe, but yeah, I'll take a ride if you're offering."

The ride to Zoro's is almost silent. Zoro usually prefers the silence to mindless chattering, but right now it's deafening. How does he do this? He's never had to approach anyone with the intent of courting them.

Sanji stops the car sooner than Zoro would have liked. He hadn't mustered up the courage to broach the topic with the other man.

"Thanks. For the ride." Zoro moves to open the car door, but Sanji's hand grasps his shoulder. He turns and looks back at the cook.

"Hey. Um, would you mind if I came up?"

Zoro wants to tell him that of course he can come up, please come up, he wants him to come upstairs with him so badly it hurts, but all he does is stare at him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"No, I don't mind."

"What?"

"I don't mind if you come up." Zoro's heart starts to pound in his chest. This is really happening.

They walk up the stairs to Zoro's apartment and sit together on the couch with that awkward not too close or too far away distance between them. They both don't seem to know what to say, but then Sanji breaks the silence.

"Can we talk?"

Zoro just nods his head. He's tongue-tied.

Sanji scoots a little closer to Zoro and places a hand on his leg. He starts hesitantly, "Zoro, I can't stop thinking about you. Ever since you kissed me, I haven't been able to think of anything else."

Zoro feels like his heart is in his throat. He can't find any words to respond with, all he can do is stare at Sanji with wide eyes. As much as Nami has tried to convince him that Sanji returned his feelings, he never expected to actually hear it.

"I'm nervous as hell about this, but, if you want to try this, I do too."

Zoro looks down at Sanji's hand that is burning an imprint into his leg and places his own atop it. He looks back up to Sanji's eyes. "I really do." Zoro isn't sure where to go from here. This is farther than he ever thought he would get with the blonde.

Sanji takes the initiative and leans in close to Zoro's face slowly, and almost cautiously places a light kiss to Zoro's mouth. Zoro has never felt as happy and as nervous as he does right now. Sanji wants to be with him. Sanji just kissed him!

Sanji pulls back looks at Zoro and smiles. "I never thought… I've never been with a man before."

Zoro smiles back at him. "Me neither." He leans his head forward and rests it on Sanji's forehead. "What now? I'm not good at this. I've never actually done this before, with anyone. I mean a relationship, not, you know…"

Sanji laughs. "I guess lets just take it slow then, moss-head."

Zoro nods and they sit like that for a few minutes before they decide to move to Zoro's bed.

"I'm… I don't know if I'm ready to do anything, um…"

"I thought you said we were taking it slow, cook? I wasn't going to try anything. I'm perfectly content with just being near you." Zoro places a hand on Sanji's face and brushes the hair out of his covered eye.

"Right…" Sanji fixes his hair back to how it was and Zoro just chuckles.

"They're both swirly, aren't they?"

"Oh, shut up, you shitty moss ball."

Sanji inches closer to Zoro on the bed and lays his head on Zoro's chest. Zoro puts his arms around the cook, his cook, and they fall asleep.

-:-

Zoro and Sanji's relationship has slowly been building up over a month, a month that went by with only one call from the organization. They spend as much time as they can together just getting to know each other in a new light. They haven't done anything crazy in way of exploring each other's bodies yet; that's still something the cook is nervous about, them both having dicks and all. They have indulged in a little feeling up and the occasional hand job. Zoro doesn't mind, though. He gets to kiss Sanji all he wants.

They still haven't told anyone about their relationship. The two want to get a little more comfortable with their situation before bringing it up to everyone else.

Nami knows, but that's only because she had threatened to ask Sanji out for him if he was going to be such a craven about it, so to save himself the embarrassment he had to tell her that they had already settled the matter. Needless to say she was thrilled. Zoro is pretty sure his ribs are bruised from the hug she gave him.

The cook stays over a few nights a week. He says it's because Zoro lives closer to All Blue, but Zoro knows that's not the real reason, he just won't admit it. So Zoro will follow him around the kitchen when he stays over and hovers until Sanji says that he does in fact come to see Zoro just to get him out of his space while he's cooking.

Tonight is one of the nights the cook is staying the night. They've been lounging on the couch with their legs tangled together watching some cooking something-or-other that Sanji likes to watch. Zoro hasn't been paying attention. He's been watching the Sanji all night.

Sanji is lost in thought, most likely about how shitty whatever that dude on the TV is making sounds and that he can do it better as usual. His head is tilted to the side and his eyes are glued to the screen. Zoro moves closer and takes advantage of Sanji's exposed neck to nibble on it and place kisses on a few choice spots. Sanji immediately comes back to the room and responds to Zoro with pleasant noises that go straight to Zoro's groin.

Sanji lifts Zoro's head and places a kiss on his lips and Zoro immediately goes to deepen it. They end up sprawled over the couch with limbs tangled and hands everywhere in a heated kiss.

Zoro reaches for the hem of his shirt and he pulls it over his head breaking the kiss only for an instant. He begins to unbutton Sanji's shirt, but its not coming off fast enough. Why are there so many buttons? He just wants to feel Sanji's skin on his own. He makes an irritated noise and Sanji laughs at him. He pushes Zoro's hands away and finishes the buttons himself. They sit up slightly to rid Sanji of his shirt and once it's gone Zoro immediately attacks Sanji's chest.

Sanji laughs. "What's gotten into you moss-head?"

Zoro groans in response. He doesn't want to break any contact he has with Sanji. He moves closer to Sanji's pants and places a hand on the button. He pauses and looks up at Sanji with hopeful questioning. Sanji looks a little nervous, but he nods. Zoro swiftly opens the button, pulls the zipper, and shimmies Sanjis pants down his thighs. Sanji's arousal is standing proud for him. Zoro takes it in for a second before taking an experimental lick. Sanji inhales sharply. This is going to be fun. He looks up at Sanji and smiles.

Zoro wraps his mouth around Sanji and lowers his head slowly, listening to the sounds he is eliciting from the cook. He can't get enough of those sounds. Pleasuring a man this way is very different from pleasuring a woman, but since he has a dick himself it isn't too difficult to figure out what would feel good. Sanji's fingers have laced into Zoro's hair and Zoro can tell he's doing all he can to fight the urge to force his face down. Zoro has a hand firmly on Sanji's hip while the other is at the base of the other man's cock. After experimenting with different techniques he finds a rhythm and the cook can barely contain himself; Zoro can tell he's getting close to finishing now.

"Mm, I can't, I'm…"

With a final suck Zoro can feel Sanji spurt into his mouth with a less than contained moan. It tastes different than he thought it would, but not all together terrible. Definitely not something that would deter him from doing this again; he really enjoyed how it affected the cook.

Zoro pulls away and moves back up to kiss Sanji who's breathing has become erratic. "How was that swirly?"

"Are you sure you've never been with a man before?"

Zoro just laughs at him and places more kisses on his neck.

"Hey."

"Mm."

"You want to take this to your bed?"

"Mhm." With some pushing from Sanji, Zoro finally disengages himself from the cook's neck and the two continue where they left off on Zoro's bed.

"Hey, Zoro."

"Yeah?" Zoro stops his assault on Sanji's neck to look at him. Sanji doesn't usually use his name so he figured this deserved a proper response.

"I think I want to try to, you know…" Sanji blushes slightly but holds eye contact with Zoro.

Zoro's face hurts from how big his smile is right now. Sanji is finally willing to try having sex with him. "You sure?"

"Yeah. I am."

"Ok. Well, how do you want to do this?"

"I didn't think about that."

"Flip a coin?"

Sanji bursts out with laughter. "I guess that's one way to do it."

"Alright, heads you top, tails I top. Sound good?"

"Ok."

Zoro finds a quarter in his nightstand drawer and looks to Sanji. "You want to do the honors?"

Sanji takes the coin and flips it. He holds it under his hand for a brief moment before looking at it and covering it again.

"What? What is it?"

"Tails…"

Zoro smiles. "If you really don't want to-"

"No, I do. I'm ok with this. I want to try. I mean I'll do it eventually, right? Might as well just… jump right into it."

"As long as you're comfortable." Zoro places a kiss on Sanji's lips and leans him down on the bed. He goes into his drawer again and finds some lube he's had from past couplings; some women appreciate a little extra and since Zoro isn't the smallest of men it definitely had helped.

Sanji pulls him back down and kisses him hard while reaching to pull off Zoro's pants. Zoro does the same for the cook. They both can't get rid of their clothing fast enough.

Once they were no longer hindered by clothing Zoro found the bottle he had thrown onto the bed and poured some of its contents into his hand. He looks down at the cook and holds his gaze. "You ready?"

Sanji swallows and nods. "Yeah."

Zoro places a tender kiss to the cook's mouth while reaching down to place a finger at his entrance. He applies a little pressure and his finger slips inside with a gasp from the blonde. Zoro's mind blanks. He can only imagine what this is going to feel like once he is actually inside. After a few thrusts with his finger he adds another, and final finger all while gauging Sanji's reaction. Once deeming the cook ready and checking to make sure his face isn't showing signs of second thoughts, Zoro pours more lube into his hand and slicks himself up. He lines up and silently asks Sanji for permission.

"Show me what you got, Moss man."

Zoro grins and presses inside, slowly, almost more for himself than Sanji, he knows the cook would probably kick him if he thought he was being too careful: he doesn't want this to end quite yet. Once fully inside, he pauses for a breath. "Holy shit, cook, you're so fucking tight."

Sanji pulls him down for a quick kiss. "Move idiot. Unless you're going to blow it already."

Zoro holds himself up to glare at Sanji. "You're asking for this. You don't get to complain if you can't walk tomorrow." As soon as he finishes speaking he pulls out and slams back into Sanji. After getting no complaints from the chef, he starts moving again and finds a comfortable rhythm.

Zoro sits up on his knees and pulls Sanji closer to him before leaning down to engage the cook in a heated kiss. Zoro thrusts in the new position for the first time and Sanji's grip on his back tightens and he lets out a shocked moan. "Holy fuck, Zoro, do that again." Zoro thrusts again, and Sanji loses it. "Keep doing whatever you're doing. Don't stop."

Zoro is certainly not going to ignore that request. As he moves himself in and out of Sanji, Sanji is pushing himself further down to meet Zoro's thrusts. The cook is falling apart. Zoro can't tell what is getting him off more: being surrounded by Sanji or the reaction he's getting out of him. Whichever it is, it's getting him really close. He grips Sanji's member with his still slightly lubed hand and begins to stroke him in time to his thrusts. Sanji's eyes are closed and his jaw is slack. His skin is flushed and he's making the most delicious sounds around his erratic breathing.

"Zoro, oh, fuck, Zoro, I'm gonna… oh shit…"

Zoro is right there with him. He tightens his grip slightly on Sanji's cock and he hears his breath hitch and a loud moan interspersed with expletives pours out of his mouth accompanied by warmth spilling onto Zoro's hand.

Zoro takes in the scene below him and with a long groan he finds himself releasing into the cook.

Zoro's arms give out and he collapses on to of Sanji. "Holy fuck."

"Yeah."

They lay like unable to move out of pure exhaustion from the intensity of their climaxes. At least that's how Zoro feels.

Zoro has never been so satisfied. He thinks back to what he had thought when he contemplated telling Sanji about the pleasure he feels from killing and realizes that he was wrong. This is the best he's ever felt. It's a different kind of feeling, but it blows the other away. And it came from Sanji, who is still very much alive.

He feels Sanji kiss his cheek. "You going to fall asleep right there, shit head?"

"Mm? No." Zoro rolls off of him and pulls him close. "I'm falling asleep right here. And so are you."

Sanji hums at him and settles down in Zoro's hold. "I'm torn between making you try that next time or never letting you get the chance."

"That good, huh?"

"You have no idea."

"And you have no idea what you've just done to my ego." Zoro holds him tighter with a smug grin on his face.

"Oh, fuck."


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Next chapter's ready already. Wow. I'm writing this so fast. If I don't get it down now, I won't remember what I wanted to write. Anyways, here it is.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.**

Zoro has never been happier. He doesn't even think he's ever been happy if this is what it feels like. His and the cook's budding relationship is starting to really take off. Sanji is no longer hesitant to touch or be touched by Zoro. And while they haven't outright come out to everyone that they're together, they aren't actively hiding it, either. Though most of their friends are oblivious even if they've got their hands all over each other. They tried that once just to see what reaction they would get and they got surprisingly nothing. It's kind of become a game they play now when they're around their friends: who will notice if I touch Sanji's butt?

Luffy noticed once and just put his hand on Sanji's other cheek. Zoro could not contain his laughter. The cook was not amused. He lamented about why couldn't it have been one of the beautiful ladies and not those two idiots.

Zoro still isn't too pleased with the cook's behavior towards women. Zoro makes it clear whenever the cook makes a pass about a girl by loudly scoffing or calling him an idiot. This usually leads to fighting and they have to be pulled apart.

Their fights just make the relationship that much more interesting though. More often than not, they lead to amazing sex.

The two men have gotten really close and aside from the nights Zoro takes for himself to alleviate his mind with a dose of booze, the two are nearly inseparable. Zoro has never let himself get so emotionally involved with someone before. And while it's difficult for him to express his emotions, he is finding that he is able to open himself up the the cook more than he has with anyone else.

The past two months have come and gone quickly for Zoro. Between working as a stock boy, seeing Sanji, and getting the few calls from the organization and resulting binges, he hasn't had much time to do anything else. He hasn't gone to the fighting ring since before the organization had found him again, and he kind of misses it: the mindless violence that doesn't end with someone dead. But he doesn't have time for it, and he doesn't need the money anyways. Not with what he gets as compensation for assassinations.

There is a surprising demand for what he does. He's always been amazed at how often the organization will call him, even after moving cities. No matter where you are, someone will always want someone else dead he supposes. He has had to travel from time to time to take someone out, but very rarely and not recently.

In the back of his mind, Zoro has been a little worried about how he is going to manage keeping his secret from Sanji. He came so close to telling him once, and even then he knew he would probably lose the cook and he didn't even have him yet. What kind of reaction would he have if he found out now? Sanji is going to notice when Zoro is unaccounted for during certain periods of time. And when Zoro has to funnel alcohol down his throat afterwards. He doesn't want to worry about this right now though. He's too happy for it to matter right now.

Zoro reaches his apartment after getting off work a little later than he wanted to. It is his early day though, and he's home around 4. He put all of his daily necessities away: phone, wallet, keys, helmet. Or at least somewhere he can grab them when needed. Then he lowers himself to a horizontal position on his couch. He is about to settle down for a nap when he hears his phone go off. Great, just what he wanted to hear.

He picks it up from where he placed it and sighs when he reads 'unknown' on the caller id. There goes his peaceful evening. Once he gets the information he needs, he grabs his swords case and heads out making a mental note to stop by the liquor store on the way home; his apartment is currently dry.

The job goes fairly well, if not messily. The guy was a bleeder. He hasn't had such an unclean kill for a while. Zoro wipes his face off with his shirt and calls the number he was given for the pick up guys. After settling the disposal of the body he grabs the jacket that he keeps in a lock box on his bike for when it rains to cover any blood that may be visible on him. He hops back on his bike and heads home allowing himself a brief moment to revel in the afterglow of the kill. Afterwards he decides he's just going to go to a bar instead of picking up a few bottles. He doesn't want to add an extra step in tonight by stopping even if it means he has to wear this stupid raincoat all night.

He parks his bike at the first bar he recognizes and makes sure his swords case and helmet are attached to the bike properly. The way the case is mounted to the bike, you would hardly know it's there. As long as he knows what bar it is, he can find his bike and swords again, and this one he knows well.

Currently, Zoro is on his 13th round at the third bar of the night, he has to move around when he goes out drinking because they stop serving him after a while. They don't understand that it takes unreasonable amounts of liquor to get him drunk. And he needs about double that to deal with his post-kill high. And he's pretty much reached the level he was going for now. He sits back and enjoys the numbness of his mind that the alcohol gives him.

Then he feels his phone buzzing in his pants. Why does someone have to be calling him right now? Can he not get a chance to just relax today? Zoro takes out his phone and sees 'shit cook' written on the screen. He should probably answer that.

"'llo?" Shit Zoro is really drunk right now.

 _"Hey, where are you? I'm at your place but you're not answering."_

"Oh, 'm not home. Wha's up?"

 _"Well yeah, idiot, I gathered that. Where are you?"_

"Bar."

 _"That is really insightful, thank you. Which bar might that be?"_

"Tha's a good question."

 _"I forgot I'm talking to the guy who can't tell his right from left. How long have you been drinking for?"_

"Uh. Wha time 's it?"

 _"Just past midnight I think."_

"Mm. Maybe… five hours then?"

 _"Zoro…"_ He hears Sanji sigh through the phone. _"Can you go outside and tell me what you see?"_

Zoro reluctantly complies, he doesn't want to leave his cozy corner of the bar but he also doesn't want to make Sanji upset with him. He already hates that he drinks like this. Sanji tells him he'll head over and that he'll see him soon so don't leave.

Zoro goes back to his spot and waits for Sanji. At least now he doesn't have to try to find his own way home.

Sanji shows up about 20 minutes later. Zoro is sitting at his booth staring into his drink willing it to make the last of the euphoria he feels disappear. He picks it up and throws it back. Sanji walks up to him right as he places the glass down.

"You picked the grimiest bar you could find didn't you? When is the last time they actually cleaned in here…" Sanji visibly shivers at the thought.

Zoro just looks at him through dead eyes.

"Come on moss ball let's get going. I'm not really keen on sticking around here, and you look like you've had enough."

Sanji puts his hand out and Zoro grabs it thankful for the support as he tries to stand up. He didn't realize how drunk he actually was. The floor is moving away from him as he walks and he has to chase it to make sure he doesn't fall. Sanji notices and wraps an arm around his waist. "The car isn't too far away, you can sit down soon don't worry. What happened?"

Every time Zoro has drunk excessively Sanji has tried to figure out why he does it. Zoro still won't tell him. Sanji still tries. Zoro knows he still remembers what he had said the first time Sanji had caught him at it and worries he's going to ask questions Zoro doesn't want to answer.

The car ride home is silent as Zoro is fighting to keep his eyes open and Sanji silently contemplates how to interrogate Zoro later most likely. Sanji practically drags Zoro up the stairs. They're really challenging for Zoro currently; his feet are really heavy.

As they reach Zoro's front door, he realizes he needs to get his keys out to unlock it. He goes to his jacket pocket and remembers why he's wearing that particular item. Shit. He's got a lot of blood on him. He needs to get to the bathroom as soon as he gets inside. Why did he think going out was a good idea?

The door is opened and Zoro almost sprints to the bathroom and locks the door. He may have caught his shoulder on a few doorframes and bumped into the wall a few times on his way over but he's here now.

"Zoro, you ok?" Shit that was a little suspicious. Should he swallow his pride and make it sound like he needs to vomit? No, then the cook will just want to come soothe him or something.

"Fine. Jus' wanted a shower. Y'ur right, tha bar was pretty gross." That was the best excuse he could come up with? Whatever. He needs to shower.

"Alright. Come to the kitchen when you're done, I'm going to make you something to eat."

Zoro turns the shower on as hot as he can and jumps in with all of his clothes on. He needs to wash the blood out of everything, and he can easily play that off as drunken stupidity. He strips once all of his clothes are soaked through with water and leaves them in the tub while he scrubs himself clean. He watches the pinkish water swirl around his feet as it heads for the drain for a moment. Once he's clean he gets out without turning the water off so his clothes have a little more chance to rinse. He towels himself dry and turns off the shower, picks up his clothes and puts them in a trash bag in the cabinet under the sink to deal with later. Sanji cannot find those.

Feeling a little more at ease, Zoro heads to his room, dresses, and heads to the kitchen so Sanji can feed him.

"Feel better?" Sanji hands him a plate of carb-rich food. Zoro immediately starts stuffing his mouth.

"Mhm."

"You ever going to tell my why you do this?"

Zoro pauses chewing and looks at Sanji with what he knows has to be a guilty expression. He looks back at his plate and continues eating.

Sanji sighs for the millionth time tonight. "Well, I'm going to bed. You should too once you finish."

"Sanji?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Being the way I am." That's best he can do for now.

Sanji gives him a sad smile and puts his hand on Zoro's cheek. "Don't say that. Someday you're going to tell me what's going on with you, and you're going to stop feeling that way about yourself." He gives him a meaningful kiss and heads to Zoro's room.

Zoro finishes his meal and heads to his room as well. He crawls into bed and snuggles up to Sanji's warm body placing his ear over his beating heart.

-:-

Sanji has been getting suspicious. A few times on his walk to Zoro's from the restaurant he had seen him leaving on his bike. He would try to call him to see what he was doing, but he wouldn't answer. And when he asks later what he'd done that day he skips out on the part that would account for his missing hours. He's also noticed a correlation between those days and his binges.

He's not sure what to make of this. But wherever Zoro goes in that time is definitely the reason for his drinking.

He gets a flash back to when Zoro had been nearly killed all those months ago. He has a sneaking suspicion that this is all related. He can't figure out how though. He remembers talking to Ace and figuring out no one knows anything about Zoro's life before 5 years ago. And that weird phone call he had gotten the day after he was sliced open. And all those odd things he had said when he had a break down.

Sanji hadn't really put it all together before, but now that he thinks about it there really is a lot that about Zoro that is shrouded in mystery.

He needs some answers. Preferably soon.

So the next time Sanji sees Zoro disappear on his bike, he calls him like he usually would but actually gets an answer this time.

 _"Yeah?"_

"Zoro? Hey, I wanted to stop by today, you home?"

 _"Oh, Sanji. No, just left actually. I'm not sure when I'll be home."_

"Ok. Where you going?" Sanji holds his breath as he waits for a reply. Zoro pauses momentarily before answering.

 _"Got some errands to run. Look I got to go. Light turned green, can't talk and ride."_

"Yeah, alright. Give me a call later?"

The line went dead before Zoro responded.

This is so frustrating. What is he doing?

Sanji debates whether or not to wait for the moss ball to return home, but decides against it. As he said, he doesn't know when he'll be home and Sanji could be waiting outside his door for hours. Let's be honest, that man doesn't know how to navigate his way out of a paper bag, it could be days.

He resolves to just go home and figure out a way to get the moss-head to talk to him about this without seeming like the snooping boyfriend.

Once seated on his couch, Sanji goes over all the weird things Zoro does or has done.

His drinking habit is strange. Usually when someone is an alcoholic they tend to drink constantly; it's an addiction, they need it to function. But Zoro doesn't fit that. He only binges out on occasion. Most of the time if Zoro drinks, he doesn't drink to get drunk and its not everyday. So if it's not an addiction, something is triggering him.

But what?

What had Zoro said the first time he caught him on a drinking rampage? Sanji thinks back. That was terrifying. Sanji tries not to actively think on that too much, but he needs to right now. He had been really angry and really unstable. He kept telling Sanji that he felt like a horrible person, and that he was trying to drown something. What did he say that was? Euphoria. Why euphoria? Sanji hasn't ever been able to come up with any explanation for that. It easily could have been from a mix of alcohol and chemical misfirings in his brain. But Zoro had mentioned that he enjoyed doing something that seemed to slightly disturb him.

Sanji runs his hands through his hair and pulls at the strands. He can't figure any of it out. Why can't Zoro just talk to him? Sanji knows the man is a little emotionally stunted and wary of others, but everything is going really well between them. So why can't Zoro let him in just a little more?

-:-

Zoro can't figure out where he's supposed to be going. The directions seemed clear enough. He stops his bike and looks around. No idea where he is. He looks back at the address he was given. Not here. He does what he can to back track where he came from.

He doesn't have the best sense of direction on a good day, and right now Zoro is really distracted. Why had he answered that call? Sanji knows something is up and he hates lying to him. He didn't necessarily lie, just didn't tell him the truth completely. He still feels horrible for it.

Zoro is starting to realize he needs to either find a way to get himself out of the organization or leave Sanji. He can't have both. This is getting really difficult and he doesn't like lying to Sanji. If the lying doesn't ruin their relationship, then the organization itself will. They will definitely figure out who Sanji is to him if they haven't already and at the first sign of a misstep from Zoro they will take Sanji away from him. That cannot happen.

But he doesn't think he can bring himself to leave Sanji.

Zoro groans in frustration. He notices bike has slowed to a stop.

He really needs to find this place soon, the target might leave and then he's fucked.

He shakes his head to clear his thoughts. Ok. He took a left around here somewhere. So go right this time? Let's go right.

Eventually Zoro makes it to where he's supposed to be and just in time. He catches the man he is after right as he's leaving and puts him down in record time.

He heads home and plays with the idea of calling Sanji back. He had asked to call later. He's not really in the mood to see him, but well, he can call him right? He can tell him he needs a night to himself like he usually does when he needs and excuse after a kill and drink himself into a coma. Yeah. He'll do that.

-:-

Sanji hears his phone ring. He picks it up and glances at the caller id. 'Moss Creature.' So he called him back. Sanji hastily thumbs answer and brings the phone to his ear.

"Hello?"

 _"Hey swirly. You wanted me to give you a call back?"_ Zoro's voice sounds a little tight.

"Yeah, what are you doing right now? Can I stop by?"

Zoro breathes deeply on the other end of the phone. _"I don't know about tonight. I'm kind of… feeling off. Was kind of thinking of just going to sleep._ "

Sanji usually tries to give Zoro his space when he needs it, but this isn't one of those times. Sanji knows what Zoro means when he says he's feeling off. He's gotten himself into that place that can only be remedied by alcohol.

"I kind of wanted to talk to you."

 _"Sanji…."_

"I'm coming over. Are you home?"

Another sigh from Zoro. _"Not yet."_

Zoro hangs up the phone quickly after his last utterance. Sanji grabs his things and heads for Zoro's. He's going to wait outside if he has to. He's not running the risk of missing him or getting locked out.

Sanji knocks on the door but no answer. He's probably not home yet. Sanji had checked for his bike downstairs and didn't see it, but he thought he'd try anyways. He's about the sit down and wait when he hears heavy boots trudging up the stairs at the other end of the hallway and looks up immediately.

He makes eye contact with Zoro who is frozen at the end of the hall. He slowly makes his way to his apartment and without a word opens the door and heads inside taking off his swords case and setting down his helmet. He looks really on edge and he has that deranged look in his eye. Zoro gives him a wary look and makes his way to the kitchen to pull out one of the bottles from his stash and starts on it straightaway.

"Hey."

"Hm." He doesn't even pause drinking to say hello.

"Where've you been?"

Zoro just keeps drinking. It unnerves Sanji every time he has seen him do this. How does he drink like that?

"Zoro."

"What?"

"Where were you?"

He just grabs another bottle and gives it the same treatment as the first.

"Dammit, Zoro! Answer me!"

He puts the empty bottle down and puts his face in his hands. "Why does it matter?" He lifts his head and goes for yet another bottle, hopefully his last for now.

"Because Zoro, wherever it is you've been has clearly done something to merit this kind of behavior. Where were you?"

"Out."

Sanji gives him a flat look.

Zoro drops his head into the crook of his arm. "Why do you have to do this right now?" Sanji can hear him take a few deeps breaths and when he brings his face back up he can see the flush beginning to rise on Zoro's cheeks.

"Because I care, Zoro. What's going on with you?"

"You don't want to know."

"I don't give a shit if you think I don't want to know, I need to. This is what you do in a relationship, you talk to each other, you help each other, you care about what the other is doing especially if its hurting them."

Zoro crouches on the ground and buries his face in his hands again. "You don't understand, you're going to hate me if you know; I already hate me for it. You're never going to want to see me again. I cant…"

Sanji walks to where Zoro is huddled over himself and crouches down with him. "Talk to me. Zoro, please talk to me. What is happening with you?"

"I'm a horrible person, Sanji! I don't want you to know that side of me. I don't want to lose you."

"Zoro, I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here."

Zoro shakes his head and falls further to the floor into a seated position. "I really don't want to tell you. But I really do. I don't know what to do. What do I do?" Zoro sounds like he's just drunk rambling now.

Sanji pulls Zoro's hands away from his face and looks in his eyes, those beautiful dark eyes. They look so haunted. "Talk to me. Please, just talk to me. You won't do that. What's bothering you? Let me help. I want to help. Just talk to me."

Zoro is silent for a few minutes but he stares deep into Sanji's eyes. "Ok. Ok, I'll talk to you."

Sanji sits on the floor next to a drunken Zoro and waits.

Zoro closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "Where do I even start… I guess… Remember how I told you I didn't have a home growing up?"

"Yeah."

"This is all pretty much because of that."

"What do you mean?" Sanji recalls their first conversation about this. He had asked Zoro this exact question and didn't get much of an answer out of him beyond a vague half-affirmation. "You don't seem like the kind of guy who'd feel sorry for himself for something like that."

"No it's not like that. That just set me up for what was going to happen. I was on my own most of my life, I don't even remember why, and I didn't really have any money. Actually I didn't have any money. I was pretty desperate for anything." He pauses with a far away look in his eyes. "I learned kendo from a charitable gym that let me practice there without paying membership. And when I got older, I think 16, I found out about underground fighting. They pay the winner a good amount and if I kept up with it, I would make enough to eat everyday and have a decent place to sleep. After a while I got really well known there, and some people came to see me." Zoro stops at this point in his story and just stares at the floor with his brow furrowed. He closes his eyes again and his body sags. "Sanji, I don't know if I can do this."

Sanji grabs one of Zoro's hands and holds it with both of his own. "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

-:-

Zoro is having an internal meltdown. He can't just outright tell Sanji that he kills people. That he's been killing people since he was 18. Even if Sanji doesn't know about the feeling he gets after slicing into a body, he's still going to really freaked. He really wants to tell Sanji everything though. He wants to be honest with him. Sanji makes him feel human, and Zoro owes him at least his honesty for that.

He has a decision to make right now. He wants out and he wants to be with Sanji, but he also wants him to be safe. Sanji knowing and Zoro leaving the organization puts him in danger, but if he keeps lying to him then their entire relationship is in danger and Sanji could still be in danger from the organization. He can't win. Zoro can tell Sanji is getting tired of all the lying. Zoro is too. He's exhausted.

He feels a hand on his back. "Zoro?" He realizes he's started rocking back and forth and he bit his lip enough to bleed. He must look as anxious as he feels right now. He opens his eyes and pulls himself together on the outside. He turns to fully look at Sanji.

"Sanji. What I'm about to tell you is something you can't tell anyone else. Ok?"

"Ok."

"No matter what I say, do you promise me that?"

"Zoro, what is it?"

He opens his mouth to say the words and pauses before speaking. "I kill people."

"What?" Sanji reels back.

He could have said that with a little more tact, but it feels really good to say it. "I kill people. And I get paid for it." _And I like it_.

"What?" Sanji just stares at him dumbfounded. "You get… paid for it?"

Zoro nods. "Yeah. Those people who came to see me, at the fights, they recruited me. They, uh, hire me out to… kill people." Zoro is really glad he's drunk for this conversation. The effect that he wanted to dull the high is doubling to dull the panic he should be feeling at revealing this. He is surprisingly calm.

"What you're like a… a hit man?"

"Exactly."

"You're fucking with me. Really?" Sanji looks at him with skepticism.

"Yeah. Really."

"Ok. So, you're a hit man..." Something seems to have clicked in Sanji's brain. "Do you drink because you… Oh my god. You just… did you just… You were… You had your swords and you…?"

"Yeah. I just got back from a job, Sanji." He can't look at the cook in the eyes.

"With swords? That's so…"

"I know." Zoro grimaces. Swords are very gruesome weapons.

"Zoro… I don't…"

"I don't want to do it. Not anymore. But I'm kind of stuck. I tried to get out five years ago. I did, actually. They couldn't find me for a while. I disappeared. I changed my number. I moved-"

"You came here."

"Yeah. I came here. But they found me a few months ago. Actually right around the time we met."

"So you really don't want to be in this?"

"Not anymore. I don't need it. It is what I have been living off of for the past 8 years, but I can manage without it. I want out. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to lie anymore. I'm sick of feeling… I need out."

"Can't you just tell them you quit?"

"No, I tried that and they laughed in my face; I have a contract that basically says anytime they want me, they can have me. They were not happy when I managed to disappear on them five years ago. And when I missed their call one day they thought I might try it again. So they sent me a warning to stay put. "

Sanji's mouth drops open and his eyes widen with incredulity "That night behind All Blue…"

Zoro nods. Sanji reaches and places a hand on Zoro's chest where the scar resides.

Zoro can't tell what Sanji is thinking right now. He only hopes that he's not going to run.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I don't own the character, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.**

Sanji has been silent after the revelation he had about Zoro being taken down by his own employer. Zoro isn't sure what to take from the silence.

They've been sitting on the floor of Zoro's kitchen for about an hour. Zoro reaches up to the counter and brings down another bottle. Then he thinks about it and grabs a second, handing one to Sanji. He could probably use a little after finding out his first ever boyfriend is a murderer.

"How long exactly?" Sanji turns the bottle he was handed over in his hands.

"What?"

"How long have you been doing this?"

"I've been a part of the organization for eight years, but I was only utilized in the first three and then in the past eight months, give or take."

"How many?"

"How many what?"

"People. How many have you…"

"Sanji…" That is certainly not something Zoro wants to answer. That is an unnervingly high number, and not one that he actually knows. The cook just stares at him like he expects an answer. "I don't know. I never kept count. I don't want to know. And neither do you."

Sanji is quiet again for a long length of time. He uncaps the bottle he's been holding onto and takes a swig before speaking again. "But you don't want to do this. And you feel terribly for it. I remember you calling yourself a monster before."

"No. I don't want to do it. I hate that I do this.

"Ok. It's not like you enjoy it, so it's not… I'm a little weirded out to know that I share a bed with someone who has killed who fucking knows how many people, but." Sanji pauses and looks up to Zoro's face holding his gaze. "But I told you I'm not going anywhere. And I'm not."

Zoro feels like he can finally breathe. Sanji isn't leaving him. But something Sanji said gives him pause. He does enjoy it. He really likes it, as much as it pains him to admit it to himself. He may not do it willingly and he hates himself afterwards, but he can't deny that feeling it gives him. But he has come to realize that he likes Sanji more; what he feels when he's around the cook vastly outshines anything he's ever felt from a kill.

"I also told you I want to help, and I do want to help get you out of this. Tell me more about them."

-:-

Sanji's mind is reeling. Holy fuck. Zoro kills people, and with swords no less. But why isn't Sanji more freaked out about this?

Zoro really seems to be regretful of what he does, the man comes home and practically drowns himself after he gets back from, what did he call it, a job. That's all it is. A job. He did this because he didn't have any other means to survive. He needed the money. He's not a bad person.

Sanji is… surprisingly ok with knowing this. He doesn't necessarily want Zoro to continue if he can help it though, especially if this is tearing Zoro apart.

So much about Zoro makes sense now; his frequent disappearances, the odd alcohol habit, the self-depreciation. This is why no one knows anything about him beyond five years ago, why he's so reluctant to talk about himself. He feels like he really knows the man now. And he also thinks he's the only person who does. Zoro has been giving little bits of himself away to Sanji ever since they met. Zoro hasn't even told his friends who have known him for years half of the things that Sanji knows about him. Zoro really trusts him. And Sanji trusts Zoro.

"What do you want to know?" Zoro has visibly relaxed. He's leaning against the cabinets and occasionally taking a drink from the bottle he pulled from the counter. Sanji isn't sure if he's still drinking because of the information he just revealed or because he's still feeling something after… killing someone. That thought is definitely going to take some getting used to.

"Who are they?"

"They don't really have a formal name or anything. Everyone just calls them the organization; I think out of pure laziness on the creator's part… and because you can't really trace it back to anything. "

"The organization… does that mean they're like some huge corporate business type thing?"

"No. They're not very large size wise. Their presence is huge, but there're only a few who run it. There're a couple recruiters, some lackeys, and the head. The head runs pretty much everything on her own. She gives us our targets, calls us personally. She's who called me after they sent me that warning."

"She sent someone like you after you? Like she put a hit on her own person?"

"Kind of. He wasn't supposed to kill me, just scare me into submission. Like they haven't already warned me that I don't have a choice anymore…"

"What do you mean?"

"They threatened me with… they told me if I refused a job they wouldn't hesitate to track my friends down."

"Wait, have we all been in danger from these people?"

"No, not as long as I do what I'm supposed to no one will be. And I'm not letting you get hurt."

"But you want out. I can't expect you to do something that tears you apart just to keep me safe. I can protect myself."

"I don't doubt that you can, but you don't know these guys. And I would never forgive myself if anything happened when I have a chance to prevent that. This is the first time I've ever had anything like a family. And I have you." Zoro takes Sanji's hand in his own. "I'm going to do everything I can to protect it, even if I have to keep this up."

Zoro is willing to sacrifice himself just to keep those he cares about safe. Sanji wants to lash out and tell Zoro he is perfectly capable of knocking out these guys all on his own, just you watch, but the sentiment is helping him hold his tongue. Zoro cares deeply for his friends and for Sanji, he can see that. Sanji doesn't want Zoro to keep this up, even if he has talked himself into thinking it's the best thing. It isn't. They can do something about this.

"Let's all do something about it then. I want to protect you, too. Let's get you out. Let's take out whoever we need to and make that happen." Sanji squeezes Zoro's hand and raises it to press a kiss to the back of it.

"I can't ask you to do that…"

"You're not, I'm insisting."

-:-

Zoro can feel the emotion that he harbors for the cook growing by the second. He can't believe what he's been hearing. The blond doesn't want to leave him, he is okay with knowing that Zoro has a terrifying body count, and he wants to help him get out.

How they're going to do that, Zoro is not sure. But with the cook behind him, he feels like he can do it.

The two spend the next few days figuring out what they can do to free Zoro from his lifelong agreement as a contract killer. As much as Zoro was against it, Sanji has convinced him that telling the others about what they plan to do is best; some may be able to help, and it will be easier to keep the others out of danger if they know what is going on.

After solidifying the plan to tell the others and gain their insight for how they should go about helping Zoro, the two decide to spend as much time as they can together. Just in case anything happens they don't want any regrets regarding their relationship.

Sanji calls in to the restaurant to inform them that he will be taking a few days off, so don't fuck anything up. Zoro doesn't have work for the next few days. They hole themselves up in Zoro's apartment and never let each other out of their sight.

"Thank you, cook."

"For what?"

"Staying with me. Listening. Understanding."

Sanji leans in and gives Zoro a tender kiss. They have been occupying Zoro's bed all day only getting up for food. "I told you, I'm not going anywhere."

Zoro noses under the cook's jaw and places light kisses on his neck. "I know that now." Zoro pulls his blond close and holds him in a tight embrace. He's never felt this way about anyone before. He's never felt that he can tell anyone anywhere near as much as he has told Sanji about himself. He never dreamed of telling anyone about his job. Sanji has gotten him to open up, and has even convinced him to let others in. He doesn't know what to call how he's feeling right now, so he settles for expressing it in the only way he knows how.

"Sanji…" Zoro let's his hold on the blond slack a little so he can pull himself back and look into his eyes.

He presses his lips to the cook's and deepens the kiss to a slow affectionate pace. He keeps a hand on the blonde's head, running his fingers through yellow strands and brushing hair out of his face. He rolls them over so the cook is on his back and positions himself on top of him while keeping the slow sensual pace of the kiss. Zoro runs his hands down the cook's sides and rests his hands at the waistband of his pants. Sanji helps him slowly slide the clothing off by lifting his hips and moving them off the rest of the way with his legs while ridding Zoro of his.

Zoro breaks the kiss momentarily to reach for the bottle of lubricant and quickly replaces his lips back on the cook's.

Everything Zoro does is slow and meaningful. He wants Sanji to understand how much he means to Zoro, but he doesn't know how to put it into words; he's always been better with his actions anyways.

Every touch lingers, every kiss is left with gentle lips. The slow movement of Zoro's hips never wavers. They move together with a steady rhythm that slowly builds as their emotions heighten in the moment. This isn't about chasing release. Zoro wants this to last as long as it can.

They are both brought to climax together and come down from the height of their pleasure with an affectionate kiss.

Zoro moves to the cook's side and places his head on his chest while tangling their legs together. Sanji runs a hand through Zoro's hair and places a light kiss to his head. "Zoro," The green haired man positions his head to fix his gaze on the chef's face, "I love you, too."

They stay like that for the rest of the night and Zoro falls asleep with a smile.

-:-

Sanji is awoken abruptly. What woke him up? Zoro is still sound asleep laying half across Sanji and snoring lightly. Not Zoro, then. He hears movement outside the bedroom. Is someone in the apartment? Sanji's is fully alert now.

"Zoro?"

"Hey, Zoro, you here?"

Nami and Ace poke their heads around the door. "Oh, Sanji!"

"Sanji? What are you…" Ace's face goes from confused to understanding to lecherous in about three seconds. "How long has this been going on?"

"Oh, shut it, Ace. What are you guys doing here? How did you even get in?" Nami looks a little guilty at that question.

"We came by because of Zoro's recent radio silence, wanted to make sure he didn't do anything stupid. Nami's my B 'n' E specialist. But really, you and Zoro?" Ace can't wipe the smile off his face. Sanji just shakes his head at the dark haired man. "Nami, why are you not more interested in this, look how adorable they are!"

"Oh, come on, Ace, this is old news. You guys are all just too oblivious to notice. They're all over each other all the time. And Zoro told me a long time ago."

"He told you?" Sanji didn't realize Zoro had out right told anyone, but seeing how close he and Nami are he supposes that's not too surprising.

"Who do you think had to deal with the all the emotions that the emotionless man had suddenly developed?"

"Man, no one tells me anything anymore. Well, it looks like the only stupid thing Zoro's been doing recently is Sanji, so I don't believe we're needed here." Ace quickly exits the room to avoid the backlash from that comment. Sanji reluctantly doesn't go after him; he does still have sleeping moss clinging to him that he doesn't want to disturb. Not that he would, that man can sleep through anything.

Nami walks closer to the bed and smiles down at Sanji. She reaches a hand out and places it on Zoro's head. "Take care of him, Sanji. He trusts you. That means a lot coming from him."

Sanji gives Nami a sincere smile, not one of his usual 'I'm in the presence of a goddess' smiles, a real one. "I will."

Zoro shifts in his sleep and grabs a hold of Sanji while rolling to his back. "God dammit, Zoro!"

"I didn't know he was such a cuddler." Nami giggles at Sanji's entrapment.

"You have no idea." Sanji gives the orange haired girl a flat look. "Well, if I can get this moss creature to let go, I can make you guys something to eat if you'd like."

"No, that's ok you don't need to do that. We should get going anyways."

"Are you sure? It's not a-"

"Cook, you're so loud." Zoro groans from beneath Sanji.

"Quit whining, and let go of me. You have guests, now let me be a good host since you clearly don't know how."

"What do you mean I have guests? I thought we were spending a few days alone?" Zoro has still not let Sanji go, if anything his grip has gotten tighter.

"We are moss head, but right now there's a beautiful lady and that piece of shit Ace hanging around." Sanji is still sore from Ace's crack at him earlier.

"Sanji, really don't trouble yourself."

"Nami? What are you guys doing here?" Finally Zoro lets go so he can peek around Sanji. Sanji takes full advantage of his release and is about to hop out of bed when he realizes he is in fact not wearing anything.

Thankfully Nami notices his struggling. "Just checking in on you, Zoro. I'll go wait in the living room for you two."

Sanji looks back down at Zoro. "Hey, you know this is a really good time to tell them."

"Right now?" Zoro is really whiny this morning.

"Why not? And it will be two less people to tell later."

Zoro whines again and Sanji is pretty sure he sees a pout. "Fine."

The two men dress and make their way to the living room after some shoving on Sanji's part to get the green man out of bed. Sanji fixes some breakfast for everyone and they settle down around Zoro's coffee table.

"I have to ask, how long has this been going on?" Ace motions between Sanji and Zoro.

Zoro snorts out a laugh. "You are so dumb. What, like a few months?" Zoro looks over to the blond who nods his head.

"What? How did I not know this? Does everyone else know?"

"We were trying to see how long it would take everyone to notice for the fun of it, I don't know how many of you figured it out though. Why do you think the cook lets me touch his ass so much?"

"That's why? I don't know I thought you were just doing it to fuck with him." Sanji can see Ace starting to put all the pieces together now. "Man, I feel like an idiot now."

"Don't beat yourself up over it. Actually, we had some other stuff we wanted to talk to you guys about." Sanji glances in the moss head's direction. He has dropped his gaze to his hands and is starting to look a little anxious.

"What about?" Nami stands to gather up the empty plates and drop them in the sink.

"The reason behind his drinking." Nami and Ace both look to Sanji with shocked expressions. They had been trying to figure that out for years, and they're finally getting an answer. Nami quickly comes back to where the others are sitting and waits for an explanation. Everyone looks to Zoro.

"I don't even know how to say this to you guys. I hadn't really thought that over yet." Zoro pauses and Sanji can see him thinking. They all give him a moment to think about how he wants to say what he needs to. "I guess I'll tell you kind of how I told the cook. I told you guys I didn't grow up with a home, or a family right?" The two nod. "So you'd understand that I would have done anything to get some cash to survive. I, uh, was recruited by a group that hires me out to complete, uh, special jobs."

"What kind of jobs?"

Zoro closes his eyes and looks like he's readying himself for a blow. "I kill people."

"Zoro, you've got to stop saying it like that." Sanji needs to think of a better way for Zoro to bring this up to people. He knows the moss man isn't the best with words.

"How else am I supposed to say it? That's what I do."

"You what?" Nami and Ace interject with their shock at the same time.

"Dammit Zoro, there's a name for it that doesn't sound quite so off putting. He's a hit man." Ok, so no matter how you say it it's still not going to sound great. But that sounds a hell of a lot better than just blurting 'I kill people'.

Nami and Ace just stare at the two men like they're insane. Ace blinks a few times before asking 'what' again and cocking his head to the side. "Wait, and this is related to your drinking? So every time we find you passed out from alcohol you had, what, killed someone?"

"Yep."

"If it makes you feel that bad, why do you do it?" Ace seems to have gotten over his initial shock pretty quickly.

"I don't have a choice." Zoro looks back down to his lap again. "I tried to leave, but they found me again. And threatened me if I didn't comply. I have a contract that basically signed away my life to them. I was stupid and young and broke. And I thought it sounded like a good idea at the time."

"And we're getting him out." Sanji chimes in to distract from Zoro's self-depreciating tone. "We thought you guys might all want to help."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: As a warning, there is an anxiety attack in the beginning of this chapter. So if you want to avoid reading that, skip down to the second** -:- **thing**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.**

Zoro really wishes he could have prepared himself for this conversation. The cook just kind of threw him into this. He wasn't expecting to be doing this when he woke up this morning. Last time when he talked about it he was about 3 bottles deep and the anxiety was dulled, but right now there is nothing to hold it back. It was different telling Sanji. Sanji was just one person, and a person who he has grown more comfortable talking to about himself, but even then Zoro still is not that comfortable letting him all the way in. He had been thinking about telling Sanji. He had not been planning on ever telling anyone else. He can feel unease settling in his chest.

He hears Sanji and the others talking but he's not paying attention to what they're saying. Talking about this out loud is freaking him out more than it is everyone else. He stands up quickly and excuses himself to the bathroom. He doesn't want this to get any worse. And Sanji can handle the conversation; this is all his plan anyways. He's the one who wanted to tell the others.

In the back of his mind he can feel that urge coming forth that he gets after thinking about executing a kill for too long. A feeling he knows looks deranged when expressed on his face. The feeling he needs to bury deep into his subconscious with alcohol. That's what set him off. He doesn't want to feel that near other people, especially his friends. He doesn't want to scare them. This is all getting really personal, something Zoro is not used to, and it is getting really close to a topic he is not comfortable with.

Zoro takes a few deep breaths and splashes some cool water on his face from the sink. He sits down on the side of the tub for a few minutes to calm his breathing. He's ok. The urge didn't manifest so much that he couldn't push it back down. He can feel the anxiety starting to recede. He calms himself down and makes his way to the kitchen to get some water.

Nami, Ace and Sanji are still talking between themselves, but it seems they have settled whatever it is they had talked about because everyone is now standing near the door and looking to Zoro.

"Come on, Zoro. We're heading to Ace's. We need to catch everyone else up with what's going on." Nami holds his keys out to him. Zoro swallows. He's not sure he can handle talking to that many people at once about this. What if something happens? He holds himself together and follows his three friends down to where they parked and they head off.

-:-

They've been sitting in Ace's apartment waiting for everyone to show up for about an hour. Zoro's nerves are fried. On the surface he looks like he couldn't care less; years of concealing emotion has made that easy.

He feels a hand on his shoulder and flinches slightly. Hopefully no one noticed that. "Zoro." He looks to his left and sees Robin. When did she get here? "You've been rather quiet. We were asking about Sanji and your relationship. It seems you have both failed to inform us of your involvement." She gives him an encouraging smile.

This is a much more comfortable topic for Zoro. He can talk about the cook. His nerves settle slightly. He smiles back at Robin at the thought of the blonde. "Oh, yeah. It's not that we didn't want to tell you guys. We were just curious to see if you'd pick up on it since both of us have only ever been interested in women before. And well, it kind of feels weird to just come out and make an announcement about it now."

A knowing smile appears on Robin's lips. "I do believe you were not so subtle, Mr. Zoro. I, at least, caught on one of the first times you felt up Mr. Cook rather indecently around everyone. I was only hoping you two would choose to tell everyone before I asked about it, I know how you like your privacy. I'm interested to hear how your revelation about how you feel toward the cook had affected you at the time. That must have been a very interesting thought process for you." Robin and her psychological digging.

"It was weird at first, but I got over it." Zoro is not one to talk too deeply about his feelings. He's not even really sure how figuring out that he liked men had made him feel. And he likes Robin and all, but the way she can manage to get any information out of you is a little freaky. He likes to keep his answers short with her.

Robin looked like she was about to delve further into Zoro's thoughts and emotions when Nami caught everyone's attention. "Alright. We're all here now with the exception of Chopper since he couldn't leave the hospital. But we can fill him in later."

"Yeah, what exactly are we filling him in on?" Usopp. Zoro hadn't even thought about how all of his friends would react to this news, but now that he thinks about it, Usopp is probably never going to come near him again. And Chopper? Is he going to have to tell Chopper himself? He feels almost like a little brother to Zoro, he can't break this kind of news to him. Chopper saves lives. Zoro takes them.

And even though Sanji, Nami, and Ace don't seem to have much of a problem with Zoro, he can't just assume they don't feel fearful of him at all. There has to be some kind of underlying fear knowing someone you're close with is capable of hiding his kind of macabre profession, that they're capable of doing it at all. How is everyone else going to react to this? Zoro can feel his heart starting to pound again and his breath getting harder to find.

He can hear everyone talking around him but is unable to make out the words. Everything is just a hum beneath the blood he hears rushing in his ears. Now everyone is looking at him. It's quiet, and everyone is focused on him. They're waiting for him to speak. He looks around at expectant faces. Eight people staring back at him.

He feels a full anxiety attack coming forth and this time he doesn't think he can stop it like he did earlier when he was at home and escaped to the bathroom. He feels the panic spread inside his chest.

He shakes his head. "I can't do this."

He hears shouts from his friends calling his name from behind him as he exits through the front door. He needs to get out of this situation. He's afraid he's going to start feeling the urges if he talks about it again. He's afraid everyone is going be scared of him. They should be scared of him. Why did he think telling anyone was a good idea? Why did he think getting close to anyone was a good idea? He should have just kept his distance from people. He should just disappear again. He needs to grab his swords, get on his bike and leave. He can keep in contact with the organization; keep taking jobs for money and to keep everyone here safe. They're much safer if he isn't around from the organization and himself. That's what he should do. He needs to get out of here.

"Zoro, can you hear me? Hey, you're all right. Just breath, it's ok." Zoro opens his eyes and sees that he is sitting in the hallway outside of Luffy and Ace's apartment leaning against the wall nearly hyperventilating. Sanji is crouched in front of him trying to get his attention. "Hey. There you are. Can you hear me?"

Zoro uses Sanji's voice to ground him. He focuses on the cook's visible eye. He tries to take deeper breaths. He nods to Sanji; yes he can hear him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't even think how this might affect you. I should have thought about that." Sanji puts his hand on Zoro's, but Zoro pulls his away. He's still second-guessing his decision to be around people. Sanji's face falls at the movement but doesn't try to force physical contact. "Zoro, I'm really sorry. Do you want to be alone?" Zoro nods and averts his gaze away from Sanji. "Alright. I'll go talk to everyone. You don't have to."

Sanji stands up and heads back in to the apartment. Does Zoro still want him to tell everyone? Is he going to be able to face everyone once they know? Once they know that he's been taking lives for eight years? Why would they just accept that? Why is this a good idea again?

Sanji is already on the other side of the door. It's too late to stop him unless he wants to go back inside which he really doesn't. He can't.

So he decides to leave.

-:-

Sanji feels really bad for forcing Zoro into this. He didn't know talking about this would elicit this kind of reaction from the man. He didn't even think about it. But it makes sense, its something he has kept to himself for so long. It's kind of a big deal, revealing to all of your friends that you kill people for a living. He really should have known; he'd been getting similar reactions anytime he had gotten close to an answer about the topic before Zoro had confided in him. It has to be a difficult thing to admit. And now Zoro is most likely angry with him. Rightfully so, but still not something Sanji wants. Giving him a little space right now seems like a good idea.

The poor man was catatonic and hyperventilating out in the hallway for about five minutes. When he finally came to his eyes were wide and fearful and he didn't say a word. Sanji really hopes he is going to be ok. He just left him out there, though he did seem to come back around. He'll come back inside when he's ready.

The blond sits back down on the couch where he was before he went to check on Zoro. "He's ok. This has to be a really hard thing for him to talk about. I'm sure you're all aware of his aversion to speaking about himself. And there are a lot of us in here right now. It was kind of cruel to expect that from him. So I guess I'll be the one to do it." The room is silent again while everyone waits for Sanji to begin. "For the past eight years, Zoro has been a part of a group that pays him to take people out. He's, from what I understand, more or less an assassin. But he doesn't want to be anymore. He needed the money when he first joined, but he's done. The group won't let him leave though, so we've decided to help get him out."

The room stays silent as everyone goes over the information they just received. A few of them look contemplative while others have shock written across their features. Sanji can understand how this would freak out Zoro; divulging disturbing personal information and waiting for a reaction.

Sanji does his best to answer any questions his friends have about Zoro's predicament and occupation and what the overall plan to help free him is, but there is a lot he doesn't know. He wonders if Zoro would be willing to aid in this part of the conversation.

Sanji decides to check on the green haired man. He heads back outside, but he doesn't see Zoro. He calls for him, but doesn't get any response. He goes to look in the stairwell; maybe he moved locations so he could have a bit more privacy, but still no Zoro. Sanji is starting to get worried. Zoro left. He got so panicked that he left, and now he is alone and most likely lost in the city, or worse. Zoro has said he's disappeared before; he disappeared for five years from a powerful organization that owns him. He could easily disappear from his friends if he feels he's revealed too much.

He quickly heads back inside. "He's gone."

"What do you mean he's gone?" Luffy looks to Sanji with his head cocked to the side.

"I mean he's gone. He's-he isn't out there." Sanji is starting to feel panic of his own seep in. Zoro can't disappear. Sanji tries calling Zoro's phone. No answer. He tries again. Nothing.

Sanji tries to convey his fear of Zoro disappearing to the crew. They all agree that he could very well be panicking and begin to search for him. They split up across the city. He's not at home. He's not in any of his usual bars. They don't even know if he has any one else he could go to in town. And what if he left the city all together? They continue calling him, and sending him messages. They just need to hear something from him, they need to know that he's ok. They want to be sure he isn't going to completely disappear. Sanji won't let his phone leave his side. He needs to find Zoro.

-:-

Zoro looks around at his surroundings. He doesn't know where he is. He doesn't remember how he got here. He must have blacked out from excessive stress.

His body is very exhausted. He must have been on the move for quite some time. From the feel of it he must have been running. It's beginning to get dark. But he doesn't know how to get home. And he doesn't see any bus stations around here.

He reaches to his pocket to grab his phone. His heart stops momentarily when he doesn't feel it, but quickly relaxes when he finds it in his other pocket. He looks at the screen. He has about 20 missed calls and just as many texts.

That's right he ran out on everyone. They're probably wondering where he is. Zoro heaves a deep sigh and wipes a hand over his face. They all know now. He pushes down the thought. He doesn't want to think about that anymore.

Zoro stares at his phone. He should probably let them know he's ok. How long has he been gone for? As he tries to figure out when he left Ace's, he feels a few drops of water, and then a few more. And then the sky opens up and it starts to pour. Great. He's not really near anything that can cover him. He pockets his phone to keep it from getting ruined and chooses a direction to look for some kind of shelter from the storm.

He eventually comes across a building with an awning and stands under it. He takes his phone out again and thinks about who he should call. Sanji. He should probably call Sanji. He's probably really worried. Just as he is about to hit the call button for the cook his phone lights up with an incoming call. Sanji is calling him again. He quickly answers.

"Sanji?"

 _"Zoro?! Oh my god, Zoro, where are you? Are you alright?"_

"Yeah, I'm ok. I'm not really sure where I am. Nothing looks familiar. And it's raining so it's kind of hard to see what's around here right now."

 _"Do you remember how you got there? By any chance do you remember what direction you went after you left Ace's?"_

"No. I kind of blacked out I think." Even if Zoro was aware of what was going on after he left there was no way he was going to be able to direct Sanji to him. Sanji must have known that was a long shot, but he may as well try.

 _"You sure you're ok?"_

"Yeah. Hey the rain is letting up. I'm going to go look around and see what I'm near. Maybe there's a street sign around here somewhere." Zoro just wants to get home. He wants to get out of his wet clothes and burrow under the blankets and take a nap. He finds some kind of marker and Sanji is able to figure out where he is. It will take some time to be able to get to him; he made it about a half hour outside the city. He really did run all day.

He settles back down under the awning he found earlier and waits for the cook to arrive. The exhaustion from the day catches up to him and he closes his eyes for a nap.

A warm hand on cold skin wakes Zoro. He opens his eyes to see blond. Sanji. An overwhelming feeling of guilt rushes over him.

"I'm sorry."

"Zoro, you don't need to apologize. I should be the one apologizing. I pushed you too far. I should have let you tell everyone in your own time."

"I still shouldn't have done that."

"It's ok. You're safe. You're here. You're still here. I was so afraid you were going to disappear on me." Sanji places a hand on Zoro's cheek and leans his blond head against Zoro's green.

Zoro pulls him into a tight hug and kisses him to reassure him that he is most definitely still here. "Let's go home."

Zoro doesn't mention that he almost did leave. The last thing he remembers thinking before leaving Ace's was that he wanted to disappear. He's glad he didn't. He let's the blond wrap him in a towel and lead him to his car.

Sanji doesn't let go of Zoro's hand the entire drive home. Zoro's glad, he doesn't want him to. He's pretty sure the blond is the only reason he didn't actually leave.

They make it back to Zoro's after a lengthy drive and Zoro gets a sense of how far he actually ran. His muscles get even more tired thinking about it. Sanji pulls him by the hand into his bathroom and gets a warm bath drawn. Zoro's body rejoices: he is soaked and freezing.

The two slip into the warm water, Zoro sitting in front of and leaning back on Sanji. The blond has his arms around him, Zoro has his head resting on Sanji's shoulder. Sanji draws shapes on Zoro's skin and traces the scar that mars his torso while leaning his forehead against Zoro's temple. All of the anxiety and fear leaves Zoro and he finally feels relaxed for the first time today. Neither of them mentions what happened. They sit together silently enjoying being near the other with the occasional thoughtful kiss until the water gets too cold. Then they relocate to Zoro's bed and under the covers.

"Hey, cook."

"Hm?"

"How'd everyone react?" This is was what Zoro was fearful of, the reactions. As much as he doesn't want to know, he needs to. He needs to know if he can be near them.

"I'm sure a lot better than you're thinking. They were shocked, but who wouldn't be?"

"Do they hate me?"

"What? No, they don't hate you."

"Are they afraid of me?" He really doesn't want those he calls family to be scared of him.

"No. A few may be a little apprehensive around you at first, but as long as you show them that you're still you they won't be. Is that why that happened? Because you thought they would be afraid of you? "

"Because I know they should be." He knows what he's capable of all too well. And he knows they would be afraid of him if they knew how much he liked it.

-:-

Sanji pulls Zoro closer to him. "They have no need to be. You wouldn't hurt them. They know that. I know that. Don't you know that?"

He doesn't give Sanji a response. Zoro is afraid of himself. Sanji wants to break Zoro of this mind set. He wants Zoro to see himself like Sanji sees him. Like everyone else sees him. They really need to get him away from the organization as soon as possible. Sanji doesn't even care how it happens; they just need to be out of Zoro's life. This man has had to live through enough hardship without these people controlling him.

Sanji holds Zoro tight. He can tell Zoro has fallen asleep by the sound of his breathing. "I love you, you shitty moss. Now let's get you out of this mess."


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Alright, new chapter! The plot keeps running away on it's own no matter how much I try to control it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the character, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.**

Zoro wakes up to ringing. What is that? It needs to stop. He's really tired.

Wait. That's his phone. He needs to answer that. He reaches over Sanji and grabs the offending object. While still laying across the blonde he answers.

"Hello?"

 _"Good morning, Roronoa. I'm sorry, I must have woken you up, but you do not want to sleep through this one. I have a special job for you today."_

Zoro does his best not to groan at the sound of her voice. He hates the 'special' jobs. That means he's going to have to travel somewhere. Wonderful. He hasn't had one of those in a while. It better not be too far away. He yawns through his response. "I'm listening."

He gathers all of the information he needs for his 'special' job, ugh, and hangs up the phone. He thinks about how long it's going to take to get him there and what all he needs to bring with him.

He leans over top of Sanji and look down at him. He should wake him up. He can't just leave. Now that Sanji knows about all of this he can tell him where he's going. That's a weird thought. 'Hey, I'm off to go kill someone, see you later, love you.' Yeah, he doesn't want to have to get used to that.

Zoro shakes Sanji lightly. "Hey, Cook, wake up. I have to go."

"Mm? What? What time is it?"

"Early. Look I have to go. I got a call."

"A call? What do you –oh." Sanji is awake now. "Right now?"

"Yeah. I don't know when I'll be back exactly. It's in a few cities over. I'll have to stay the night."

"You have to stay the night? Since when do you have to stay the night for this? Tell me they at least pay for that."

Zoro snorts a laugh at the blond. "They pay me more than enough for it to not even matter when I have to travel. Don't worry about that. It doesn't happen often, but if there's no one close enough, they'll send me out."

"Can I come with?"

"I don't think so. I'm not really comfortable with that. I don't want you involved in this. And I really don't want you to see me afterwards. You've seen enough of that." At least this time he doesn't have to worry about anyone he knows seeing him after a kill.

"Oh, right. That. Well, go get 'em."

"Sanji… really? Don't make this weirder than it is. This is weird enough telling you about it. You don't need to make jokes about these people."

"Why not? My life is getting weirder by the second. I find out I like guys, I get a moss creature for a boyfriend, and now I find out he kills people for a living. Why not crack a few jokes while I'm at it? And at least now you don't have to lie about where you're going anymore."

"I do like that part. But that's about it. I have to get going. I'll call you when I'm on my way back."

Sanji grabs him and gives him a sloppy kiss before letting him up to gather his things for the overnight job.

"Have a good day at work, honey!"

"Cook, stop it!

"You'll do a killer job, I just know it!"

"I'm not telling you where I'm going ever again."

-:-

Zoro has been driving for about 5 hours now. It's times like this when he wishes he didn't have a motorcycle. He's bored as hell. How far away is this stupid place anyways? He passes a sign that says he is about 68 miles out. All right, so maybe another hour.

Or less, if he speeds up a little…

Zoro finally makes it to his destination, and stretches his limbs. Motorcycle driving does not make for happy joints after six hours. His spine pops as he stretches. He's in a small town, not much seems to be going on. That's usually how it is when he gets called out for a 'special' job. He's most likely the closest employee to do it. Hopefully no one will notice this guy going missing right away. He should definitely lay low.

Zoro decides to get the kill done tonight so he can leave first thing in the morning. No use wasting time. He tracks down his target and executes him quickly and cleanly. No screaming, no blood spray. He briefly wishes there was a little more blood, and pokes the body with the tip of one of his swords and then quickly stops himself. He pulls himself together. Not what he needs right now.

He calls clean up; he has a fleeting thought about how far they might have had to travel for this one. Then heads out to find a bar. That he most definitely does need right now.

Just as he sits down at a table in the back end of a bar, he feels his phone buzz in his pants. It's probably Sanji calling to make a stupid pun or something or ask when he'll be home.

He pulls out his phone. "Hey."

 _"Roronoa… How are you liking your little vacation?"_

Seriously… Why is she calling him? Hearing her voice once today was more than enough. "It's wonderful." He lays on the sarcasm thick.

 _"I'm glad to hear you're enjoying yourself. You do work better when you don't have any distractions; you seem to get things done much quicker. Which, is why I have taken it upon myself to rid you of one of your more… blonde distractions."_

Zoro has lost the ability to speak. What does she mean she's ridding him of a blonde distraction? Did she send someone after Sanji? Is that why she sent him here? Why didn't he take Sanji with him when he asked? "What are you talking about?"

 _"Ever since he started hanging around more, you seem to have been taking your work a little less serious. You've had some messy executions lately. It's becoming a liability."_

Zoro abandons the drink he had started on. He doesn't even need that right now. Keeping Sanji safe has overridden any other thought in his brain.

 _"Just enjoy your time away, and you'll have that quiet life you love so much back soon enough."_

Zoro starts to yell at his phone that she can't do this, he's not a distraction, but the line was already dead before he even started speaking. What does he do? He's a six-hour drive from Sanji. Holy fuck, she sent someone after Sanji. He runs to his bike and tries to put the keys into the ignition. He's too frantic right now; he can't even get the key in. He stops for a second and calms himself down. He should call Sanji. Make sure he's ok and let him know what's happening. Tell him to leave. He pulls out his phone again to call his blonde but he is still a little too frantic and he drops it. He picks it up and dials Sanji.

 _Come on, pick up. Answer your phone, Cook. Why aren't you answering?_ He doesn't pick up. He tries again but still no answer.

Zoro's breathing has become just shy of hyperventilating. He has to get home. Fuck the six hours. He needs to be home now. He turns on the bike and flies down the highway. He turns the six-hours he had originally taken into four. He doesn't care how many traffic laws he just violated he needs to get to Sanji.

-:-

Sanji leaves All Blue a little earlier than normal. It was a slow day and the staff can handle themselves. He figures he can do something for Zoro for when he comes back. He's probably going to be a little… off as he likes to put it.

He heads over to Zoro's shitty little apartment. Really, if he said that he gets paid a pretty penny for being a hit man why does he not live somewhere nicer? He could have at least chosen somewhere with an elevator. Those stairs get old real fast. He'll have to talk to him about that later.

He let's himself into the apartment and looks around. Even after Sanji started spending half of his time here, the place is still a mess. Sanji doesn't even think Zoro knows how to clean. What did he even do before Sanji became a part of his life? He decides that will be his first course of action. He really does love the idiot if he's willing to do this for him.

He's nearly finished with the bedroom, when was the last time the moss idiot changed his sheets, when he hears something in the living room. Is he home already? That was quick. He said he wouldn't be back until tomorrow at the earliest. Maybe he was just overestimating for his ability to get lost in a straight line…

Sanji doesn't get to contemplate Zoro's lack of direction anymore because that is not Zoro. Maybe this idiot is just as lost at the poor moss man and doesn't know this isn't the right apartment. "Excuse me, what are you doing in here?"

The man turns and looks at Sanji. "Ah, so you must be the blonde. I was hoping I would find you here."

"And what does that make you?" Sanji doesn't like this; he's getting a bad feeling.

"That makes me the last person you'll ever meet." He gives Sanji a smile that touches his tired looking eyes.

"I would really appreciate it if you left."

"I'm afraid I can't do that." Sanji notices this man has a large sword with him. What's with the swords? Do these people know what year it is?

Sanji needs to do something quickly. He must be someone related to the organization, and either Zoro did something to upset them, or they just don't like Sanji. This is not what he wanted to deal with today. "Why are you here?"

"I was told one of the operatives has something that needs to be removed. They said it was blond and troublesome, so I was sent to take a look. I am pretty good at ridding people of their ailments." He takes a step closer to Sanji and unsheathes his sword. That is a large sword, and it's really fucking sharp. Sanji is glad he decided to keep his shoes on while cleaning up after Zoro.

-:-

Zoro keeps trying to call Sanji. Why is his blonde not answering? He immediately heads to Sanji's apartment. No Sanji. No sign of anything happening here either. Though that doesn't necessarily mean anything.

He heads over to the restaurant in record time. Why can't he do that more often? Whatever. He needs to see if Sanji is here. He asks a few of Sanji's employees and finds out that he left early and left his phone in the kitchen. Great. Of course he did, and no one knows where he is.

Shit. If anything happened to Sanji, that god damn insane woman better watch her fucking back.

Maybe he went to Zoro's apartment? It can't hurt to check. He takes the stairs to his apartment three at a time and bursts through the door. He sees someone who is not Sanji sitting at his table with his arms tied up behind his back in a very uncomfortable looking position, his legs tied to the chair, and an annoyed expression on his face.

What?

"What…?"

"This is all your fault I'm tied up here, isn't it?" Zoro looks at the man that is apparently now his captive.

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Same as you I'm assuming. Although if I'm targeting more people like your blonde, I'm not so sure I want to be anymore." Zoro can see a bruise forming on the man's face that looks like a shoe print. What happened? Sanji took this guy down? Where is Sanji anyways?

"Cook? Are you in here?"

"Moss head? You're home already? Yeah, I'm in your room."

Zoro heads to his bedroom and sees Sanji, cleaning? "What are you doing, cook? What the fuck is happening?"

"That asshole out there tried to kill me, but I took care of him. And your sheets are clean now."

"Oh, thanks. Wait, since when can you take out a trained assassin on your own?"

"You have no faith in me do you?"

"I'm just a little… thrown here."

"I grew up in a kitchen with a man who wanted to keep his peg leg because he thought he looked like a damned pirate. If you think I didn't have to learn how to defend myself from crazy, then you would be very wrong."

"I guess that makes sense..." Nothing about this makes sense to Zoro but who is he to question how Sanji learned to kick ass. It seems to have been very effective.

"Well, I don't know what to do with the guy, so either you do your thing, or we figure something out. But I am fucking tired of these assholes. Now they've made this personal."

The two head back out to Zoro's living room after Sanji finishes with Zoro's bed; really, he's been cleaning? Zoro stares down at the dark haired man. "So, do we kill you, or do we find a way to use you? Well I guess we could kill you anyways if you don't end up being useful so…"

"What kind of useful?" It seems the dark haired man may be willing be helpful so he can save his own skin. A lot of these guys would turn on the organization in an instant if they had the chance, this one doesn't seem much different.

"I guess we could really use as many hands as we can get. How'd you like to help us take out the organization?" Zoro waits for an answer. He eyes the sword nearby that must belong to this guy in case he needs to put him down. If he doesn't want to help, he can't let anyone know what he and Sanji plan to do.

"You plan on taking down the organization?"

"Yeah."

"By yourselves?"

"More or less."

The dark-haired man is quiet for a minute. Zoro reaches an arm out to the sword. Maybe this isn't going to work out. "Sure." That was way too easy.

"Wait, what?"

"That's been my goal since I joined the organization. You two seem like you could be useful to me as well. And you have most certainly pissed her off since I am here to kill the blonde. You don't seem to be a threat to me. I'll help you."

"What?"

"Do you need me to say it slower? I. Joined. To. Destroy. Them." Zoro and Sanji don't seem to have a way to respond to that information. This was way too fucking easy. How lucky did they get to have this guy be the one sent to take out Sanji? "Look, they ruined my life, so I plan to destroy theirs."

"I can't believe this. You just tried to kill me, but now you're on our side?"

"I think I've always been on your side, we were just in a misunderstanding earlier due to our mutual enemy."

"Huh. So what'd they do to you?"

"I could ask your green haired friend the same question."

"Fair enough." Zoro understands the whole not wanting to talk about it thing. He may not have the same problem as Zoro, but that doesn't mean he wants to talk about his problems either. "So, who are you?"

"I think I'd be more inclined to let you know if I wasn't tied to your chair."

"Oh, right. Sorry about that. Actually, I'm really not that sorry because you tried to fucking to kill me." Sanji makes no move towards their captive.

"Just let him go. I've got his sword. If he tries anything I can handle him."

Sanji reluctantly unties the dark haired man.

The man rubs at his wrists and looks at Sanji. "I apologize. Where did you learn to tie a knot?"

Sanji shrugs. "Grew up on a boat."

"You're just full of surprises today aren't you, cook?" Zoro is realizing how much he seems to not know about his blonde. He looks back to their apparently new ally. "Care to introduce yourself?"

"I'm Law. And I'm assuming you're Roronoa?"

"Yeah. It's Zoro, but yeah."

"And the blonde with the foul mouth and extraordinary leg strength is…?"

"Sanji." The cook looks to Zoro and speaks in a quiet voice. "You sure we can trust him?"

"We don't have much choice right now, do we? And if we can't, then we're fucked no matter what, so I don't see why we shouldn't at least talk to him."

"I hate to interrupt, but I have been stuck in a chair for about five hours watching Sanji clean. Is there any chance I could get something to eat? I assume you aren't going to let me go yet, so I can't exactly go get myself something."

"You expect me to feed you after that?"

"Oh, come on Sanji, he's just dong his job. You feed me don't you?"

"Yeah, but you also aren't trying to kill ME. Fine. I should probably feed you anyways, might as well make enough for him too."

Sanji puts together a simple dinner for the three of them. He's been cleaning all day and he did capture his own assassin, he's probably too tired to make anything too extravagant. He sets down a plate of sandwiches on the table for them to grab.

"I don't like bread."

"Tough shit! You're going to eat what I give you or you aren't going to eat, you shitty-"

"Alright, ok, I'll just take the bread off…" Law picks the inside of his sandwich out from between bread slices in a way that Zoro thinks is a bit over dramatic. How can someone not like bread? "Well, let's hear what your plan for the organization is. I would like to know where you guys are with that if we're doing this together now." Law looks to the two men expectantly after wiping breadcrumbs off his hands.

"We didn't really have anything planned beyond showing up. I'm still up in the air whether to kill that bitch, or something a little more creative." Zoro starts stuffing his mouth with his second sandwich. "Nice job on the sandwiches, cook."

"Was that a compliment? Zoro, you slay me. Also, don't call a lady a bitch you piece of shit."

"COOK! Enough with the shitty puns already." Sanji just grins at him. "And she's a bitch, so I'll call her a bitch." Sanji smile drops real fast.

"Wait, you don't have a plan? You can't just walk in without a plan." Law seems like he's about to piss his pants. "I've been trying to come up with a way to take them down for years, you can't just not have a plan."

"What've you got then?" Zoro receives a smack on the arm from Sanji for talking with his mouth full.

"Well, I've found where she operates from, which was not easy might I add. And I've been trying to get into her computer so I can figure out when would be a good time to ambush them. But I haven't gotten any farther with the exact plan because –"

"You know where they are? That makes this a lot easier. Cook, take a few days off soon, we can go take care of this real quick." This is turning out to be a great day, he can have his life back to normal, or start a normal life, sooner than he ever thought.

"You can't just do that! She's not always there, and she has protection. We have to find a way to get in there while she is there, but her guard is low. It has to be timed right, that's why I haven't done anything yet." So maybe this guy really will be useful.

"Alright, so when's the right time?"

"I don't know yet. I'm still trying to figure that out." So he's not as useful as he sounds, then. Maybe he should just kill him.

No. He has information they need, and hopefully will be gaining more soon. If Zoro is going to free himself from the organization he's going to need this guy. And one more on their side with information on the organization and experience with them, not to mention a personal vendetta, will only be beneficial, as long as this guy doesn't fuck them over.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: No backing out now! A lot of plot set up in this chapter, but it's moving forward! Happy reading!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.**

Law proves to be a very useful ally. He has a lot of information on the organization that Zoro would never have had or thought he would have even needed. But this guy was right; they do need some kind of plan beyond show up and slice everyone that seems threatening. Any information that Law does not have, Zoro, Sanji, and the rest of their friends will have to try to help with. Though Zoro is still not excited about getting everyone involved in this. Getting his friends in on finding information on the inner workings of the organization and the she-devil's daily schedule and plans does not sound safe. But as Sanji keeps reminding him, it is better that they do know, this way they can prepare themselves if anything does happen.

Law, Sanji, and Zoro have been discussing what Law and Zoro know about the organization for the past few days. They have definitely started to trust the dark-haired man a little more. Though the amount of information he has gathered is a little suspicious, he could always be a higher up that is deceiving them. Either way, Zoro will get a chance to get close to his prize and get his life back.

"The most important part that we're missing is when she is going to be there. But I am by no means a computer expert so I have not been able to breech her security and gain access to her computer remotely. If you two have any skills that could help, that would be very helpful."

"Zoro can hardly use his prehistoric phone, and I don't know a whole lot about computers besides how to use one for basic tasks." Zoro growls at Sanji for making him sound like an imbecile. But he has never had a reason to learn how to use anything technological so he supposes he really is of no use here. But wait, someone else he knows might be.

"Hey, Usopp might be able to help with that. He's some techie something or other I forget what, but he can do that kind of stuff. I don't know how willing he'll be. I'm still not convinced he isn't terrified of me… and he probably won't be too relaxed around you either, Law." Zoro hasn't seen his friends since Sanji told them what he does for a living and he had the mother of all anxiety attacks. Sanji has tried to reassure him that they are not scared of him, if anything they would be concerned after his disappearing act. Zoro's not so sure, especially about Usopp. That guy is afraid of his own shadow.

"That's a great idea, Zoro, I can call him and get him over here so we can get this started." Zoro's not so sure how he feels about seeing Usopp. Thinking about his reaction is kind of what set him off and if he really is uncomfortable around him Zoro's not so sure how he's going to react himself.

Sanji has his phone in his hand and he looks like he's about to call Usopp. "You're going to get him over here right now?"

"Yeah. Zoro, it's ok. Just act normal and he'll be fine. The weirder you act the more freaked out he will be. And the sooner you see him the easier this will be in the long run." Zoro frowns. That may be true but that doesn't mean he wants to go through this right now. Sanji completes his earlier actions and has the phone pressed to his ear as he walks outside presumably to smoke while he talks on the phone.

"So, you've told your friends?" They had told Law this earlier, but they hadn't had a chance to discuss it yet.

"Yeah. Sanji kind of talked me into it after he got the whole thing out of me. He said it's better that they know so in case she sends someone after them they know what they're dealing with. And so that we don't have to lie to them about what's going on. I can't say I don't agree. I've already been lying to them for over five years. But I… wasn't quite ready for that and so I wasn't there when they all found out. I don't know how they're feeling about this or if they even want to help."

"And you assume they are afraid of you now. But they know you only do this for a job, correct? Most everyone who is a part of the organization save for the head are in it for the money she promises."

"Yeah. But it's a little more complicated on my part."

"Because you have a contract for life? I think just about everyone else does too, myself included."

"No, it's me. I'm… They have good reason to be afraid of me even if they don't know why." Zoro is getting really close to saying this out loud right now. Law might be able to sympathize with him better than the others since he's in the same line of work. He's never actually had a conversation with someone else in the organization besides that evil bitch. Maybe that's why he feels more comfortable talking about this with him.

"What do you mean, why should they be afraid of you?" The expression on Law's face hints that he may understand what Zoro isn't saying. Should he tell him? He seems to already know.

Zoro holds Law's gaze for a few seconds with a hard look. "Because I like it."

Law returns his gaze with a thoughtful one. After a few silent moments of Law running the new information over in his head he responds. "That is quite frightening."

The two sit in silence while Zoro takes in what he has just told the other man and Law reassess how he sees Zoro.

Sanji returns to the living room bringing a trail of smoke from outside with him. "Usopp's on his way, he said he'd be happy to help. You guys ok? Did I miss something?"

"Yeah we're fine. Just swapping stories." Law gives Zoro one last assessing look before giving his attention to Sanji.

"Alright. You two should probably keep that freaky vibe you're giving off to a minimum once Usopp gets here." Sanji looks at them with an uneasy expression and then heads over to the kitchen. That man is always cooking something.

Usopp shows up relatively soon after Sanji had called him. He sets all of his computer-y things up on Zoro's small dining table. What anything is he brought with him besides his laptop is beyond Zoro. But if it's all stuff that will aid Usopp in finding out any information for them then it doesn't even matter what any of it is to Zoro.

Usopp still hasn't even made eye contact with Zoro yet. Though that isn't entirely Usopp's fault, Zoro hasn't really been trying that hard. After his brief conversation with Law, he's been feeling a little weird. He still can't believe he told someone that. Law keeps giving him odd looks from time to time, but that could also be Zoro being paranoid.

"Hey, Zoro, get over here. I need some information from you guys to get an idea of who I'm going after." Zoro cautiously makes his way to Usopp and tries his hardest to act normal. It's really hard when he thinks the person he's talking to is terrified of him because he kills people and the other person at the table knows he enjoys killing.

"What kind of information do you need from us?" Law is especially talented at acting like nothing weird happened earlier. It could be because he joined the organization under the guise that he wants to be a part of it and doesn't want to destroy it.

Usopp lists off whatever information it is he needs to gain access to the she-devil's computer and the organizations whatever it is that he can see that tells him what they're looking for. Law knows more of the information so he takes care of most of the answers while Zoro does his best to not be awkward around the two of them.

Zoro is lost in thought when he feels a hand on his back and a kiss on his check. "You ok? You're getting that anxious look again."

"Yeah, I'm fine." Zoro turns to face Sanji and return the kiss.

"You sure? Because you've been silent even after Usopp announced that he got the information we needed." Already? How long has he been spaced out?

"Oh, he did? That's great. Sorry, I just have a lot going through my head right now." Zoro turns to Usopp who is giving him a questioning look. "So, when do we go?"

"It's still weird seeing you two do that…" Oh right, they just recently actually came out to their friends. "But, uh, you need to be there in three days."

"Three days? We don't get a whole lot of time to prepare for this. Are we ready?" Zoro looks over at Law.

"As ready as we can be. You've just got to round up anyone who you're taking along and let them know. It should take us about two days to get there if we're driving. Anything we don't have figured out now we can deal with on the way."

This is really happening then. The past week has been a whirlwind for Zoro between telling everyone he knows that he kills people for a living and meeting Law and solidifying their plan. Now they're following through in three days. Guess he and Sanji should contact everyone.

-:-

Turns out, everyone is more than willing to help Zoro out. And they're all really excited to go with. Zoro is not so excited that they are all coming. He was trying to keep them out of harms way. And he still feels weird that everyone knows. This is going to be a really awkward two-day drive for Zoro.

The day after Usopp stopped by, all eight of them – really do they need eight extra people for this? – show up to pick Zoro, Sanji, and Law up at Zoro's apartment. Franky happened to have some huge van that they can fit all eleven of them in. Of course he did, Zoro just can't catch a break on this can he?

And so their journey begins. Zoro wonders how the others are feeling knowing that they are on their way to execute someone right now, or if they had even thought of that. They might not even realize that's what is happening here. He decides to keep that to himself. Might as well keep them naïve about it, especially Chopper and Usopp.

Zoro climbs in to the back with Sanji while Law gets stuck up near the front next to Luffy. Zoro is about to settle down for his first nap of the trip when Luffy pulls him out of his half asleep state.

"Hey, Zoro, what's that?"

"Hm? What's what?"

"That. The thing you're holding onto." Luffy just has to point out his swords. How Law's managed to remain under the radar is a mystery to Zoro.

"Uh, just something I need for when we get there."

"What kind of thing?"

"Don't worry about it right now."

"It's a mystery thing! Can I see it?"

"Not right now."

"Oh come on!" Luffy snatches the case away from Zoro before he could even react. How did he even grab that from all the way over there? Zoro holds his breath as Luffy starts to open it. There's not a whole lot he can do about it now unless he wants to dive across the entire van and take out half of his friends with him.

"Luffy…"

"THESE ARE SO COOL! Zoro, I didn't know you had swords!"

"Don't take them out! Be careful, Luffy!" He might have to dive across everyone then if he's going to unsheathe them.

Thankfully Ace reins in his younger brother and snatches the case away to hand back to Zoro. "Here you go. Don't tell Luffy he can't, you know better than that."

"Zoro, since when can you use swords?"

"You brought swords with you?!"

"Why do you have swords?"

"You have more than one?!"

Zoro ignores every question and exclamation that just brought out from everyone. He settles back down against Sanji and closes his eyes.

Zoro can feel Sanji pat his leg and chuckle at his grumpiness. "Oh, don't tell me you're going to be in a murderous mood this entire trip…"

Zoro sits up and glares daggers at Sanji. "Don't you dare."

"Lighten up, Zoro. No one ever died from a little fun."

Zoro groans and drops his head to his hands. "I'm not talking to you for the rest of the trip."

"Would you say I'm dead to you?" Sanji is having a giggle fit while poking Zoro in the ribs.

"You will be if you keep going!"

This is going to be a hell of a long drive.

-:-

Zoro kept true to his word for most of the drive and refused to speak to any of them unless it was completely necessary. They had all ganged up on him and joined in on Sanji's horrible puns that Zoro really does not think are funny at all and quite frankly make him feel a little awkward. Thankfully, Law seemed to be just as off put as Zoro was.

Although Law almost had it worse since he was stuck next to Luffy the entire time. So if he wasn't being assaulted by death puns, he was being questioned by, climbed on by, and all around bothered by Luffy no matter what he said. Zoro felt a little better about being stuck next to Sanji and Brook who couldn't stop with the puns when he finally noticed Law had given into his own suffering.

They were a few hours out from their destination when they stopped for something to eat. They needed to finalize all of their plans and this was their last chance. Everyone that came with them didn't even have any kind of plan for when they got there. They needed some kind of coordination for this to even work. They all sat down around one of those large round booths in a typical small town diner. After ordering their mass amount of food, mostly for Luffy, they get down to business.

"So, what are you all willing to do? It is really great that you all want to help, but we need to have some kind of strategy here or this could blow up in our faces." Law is a firm believer in planning ahead.

"What do we all need to do?" Zoro has no idea what else there even is that they need to do besides go in a cut everyone up. He's never had to do anything else.

"Well, you obviously are coming in with me. And Sanji, I would like you with us as well. You have definitely convinced me that you can hold your own."

"I want to go in too! Let me go with!" Luffy is practically jumping out of his seat to ask.

Law looks to Zoro. "Do you want him to come in?"

"I don't think I can stop him even if I wanted to." Zoro knows Luffy will be perfectly fine inside with them. He will probably try to take out more people than the rest of them if allowed. "Ace should come as well." Ace nods to Zoro. "Alright, now the rest of you. Franky, you'll need to stay with the van. Chopper, you'd better stay there, too. We'll need you when we come out and it'll be easier to find you if you stay in one place."

Chopper looks a little nervous but confident in himself to pull off the task. "I'll have everything ready for when you need me."

"I don't doubt you will." Chopper wiggles in place from Zoro's assurance.

"We will most likely need some kind of surveillance crew outside. Make sure no one sneaks up on us if she calls anyone." Law glances around silently asking who would be up for the task.

"I would be happy to keep watch outside." Robin is the perfect person for this task. She notices everything.

Usopp slowly raises his hand and offers his assistance with a shaky voice. "I can help with keeping watch, too."

"Thank you both." Law nods graciously to Usopp and Robin.

"Nami, Brook, what are you two comfortable with?"

"I would be glad to help with keeping watch and surveillance, Zoro. I will be one with the shadows."

Zoro nods and looks over to Nami. "I'll stay in the van then. I can help chopper."

"Perfect. I would like to tell those who are coming in with me that you must try to be as clean as you can. Leave no trace of yourself, and spill as little blood as possible unless entirely necessary." Law glances at Zoro, who definitely did not miss what he was hinting at. "We can call in a clean up crew when we are done, I do have people I can call that are reliable and trustworthy. But it will be helpful if there is less to clean up, be it blood or bodies."

The group around the table falls silent. It seems they are finally coming to an understanding about what is going on now. No one has explicitly said that they were killing anyone, but what Law had just mentioned sobered everyone up pretty quickly. They aren't here for fun. They have to all consciously be going into this knowing what the outcome will be.

"If any of you aren't comfortable with any of this, let us know now. It's kind of late, but I'd rather you not be involved if you don't want to be." Zoro looks around at everyone. "There's no taking back what's going to happen. And there's no guarantee we're all coming out of this."

After saying it, Zoro realizes that there is no guarantee that any of them are coming out of this. He hadn't thought of that before. Now more than ever he wishes everyone was back home and it was just Zoro and maybe Law here right now. He hopes that maybe one of them will back out and decide it's too dangerous. That it isn't worth it. Zoro isn't worth this kind of risk. He doesn't think he is. He's a horrible person and he should be doing this alone, it's his mess.

"We're not going anywhere, Zoro. We all committed to this, we're all here for a reason. We want to help. We came here for you." Zoro looks to his left at Sanji. The blond had grabbed his hand and is staring him down.

"We know what we're going into, Zoro."

"No one's backing out."

"We wouldn't have come if we didn't want to be here."

He looks around the table and for the first time he really feels like he belongs somewhere. These people actually care about him. They are willing to literally lay their lives down for him. He has friends. He has a family.

"Let's do this then."


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Next chapter, and all the exciting stuff happens! This was a lot harder to write than I was expecting. Actually putting the action I see in my mind into words is surprisingly difficult, so bear with me. I had way more I wanted to write for this, but I didn't want to drag it out too much. Lots of blood and violence, though. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.**

Franky's van pulls up near a dilapidated building on the outskirts of the city the crew just arrived at as the sun is starting to set. The building is not what anyone was expecting. It looks like it should be condemned. But if the organization is trying to keep a low profile then this building is working. This explains why the she-devil is not here most of the time.

They quickly run over their plan again before dispersing and hiding the van. No use getting caught before they had even began. Franky, Chopper, and Nami are all secured away in the van ready for when everyone gets back. Chopper is silently preparing himself for what he may be dealing with later. He remembers what he saw when he had to treat Zoro all those months ago, and he is almost certain that had something to do with the same people. He keeps checking through his supply bag that he brought to make sure he grabbed everything he might need.

Zoro is readying himself for the imminent fight. He ties a black bandana around his head then removes his swords from their case and places them into the sword belt at his hip. The swords knock into each other as he slides them into place drawing the attention of everyone else. They had already gone over the whole 'Zoro has swords' thing, so Zoro wasn't expecting a crazy reaction from everyone. But that was wishful thinking. There are plenty of wide eyes and chants of 'so cool' while hands reach out to grab at the swords. He pushes away the grabby hands, these are his babies and he doesn't want anyone to mess with them, and looks around to the others who are still just staring at the three swords strapped to him. "What?"

"What the hell are you going to do with all three of those?"

"Yeah, isn't that going to be a little bulky?"

"I understand wanting a backup if something happens, but three?"

Zoro forgets that most people, ok everyone, would think he is crazy if he were to tell them he uses all three at once. "Yeah, I need all three." When all he gets is questioning looks he responds like it's the most normal thing he's ever done, because to him it is. "I use them all at once." Yep, everyone is looking at him like he's lost it.

"How do you even do that?"

"Bro, don't tell me you put it…" Franky motions to his backside.

"NO! Dammit Franky, no."

"I don't know, I thought maybe since you and the cook bro were-"

"No! What's wrong with you… I would have no control over it anyways. If I had that kind of control I don't think the cook would ever let me bottom. Not that he does regardless…"

"Zoro!"

"What? You don't. I haven't even gotten the chance to try yet."

"They don't need to know that!" Zoro just shrugs at the beet red blonde. He doesn't care if they all know what happens in the bedroom. He's not embarrassed by it. Their friends are all looking back and forth between them with wide eyes. Shit, now they're probably all picturing Zoro and Sanji together. Oh well, that probably answered any questions they had about that.

"Alright, stop picturing me boning the cook, we're here for a reason. Are we all ready for this?"

"I will be once I know how you're planning to use that third sword." Ace is still looking at him skeptically.

Zoro rolls his eyes. "It goes in my mouth. Now come on, let's get going."

They all continue to stare at him for a moment, a few with lewd expressions and some eyebrow waggles towards Sanji who gets even more red, before Nami looks to the boys who are going into the building. "Please, be smart about whatever you're going to do. It would be pointless if we go through all of this just to get caught." She gives them all a look, and then turns to Zoro. "And you, be careful. I know you have a grudge against these people and I know you're reckless. Don't do anything stupid, I want you all to come out of this."

"I'm not doing this for revenge. I'm doing it for myself. It would be even more pointless to go through this and get myself killed." Zoro looks down at Nami who doesn't look convinced by his words. "And besides, if anything does happen we have the best doctor with us. No matter how reckless I am, I highly doubt he'll let me die. He didn't last time." Zoro glances in Chopper's direction with a smirk only to see the young doctor barely containing his inability to take a compliment. Zoro loves doing that.

"What do you mean last time?" Nami looks to Zoro with shock along with a few others who had overheard their conversation.

Zoro just grins. "We better get going. Don't want to miss our chance."

Those who aren't staying in the van pile out. Robin, Usopp, and Brook place themselves strategically around the building to be sure that no one can sneak up on the guys who are going inside. They don't expect anyone to come from the outside, but it doesn't hurt to be safe. Usopp had rigged up something they can use to alert the guys inside if they see anyone suspicious going into the building.

Once absolutely certain everyone outside is in relative safety and in their positions, the guys make their way inside the building. Inside is a whole different feeling than the outside of the building. Where the outside looks like it might fall apart in a strong gust of wind, the inside looks like it might be some kind of mansion. It's all marble and grand. It isn't hard to see how much money is made off of all the hired guns (or swords in Zoro's case) the organization employs. The lights are all on indicating that there is definitely someone here right now, but currently no one on the ground level. They move silently towards a staircase that takes them to a small landing on the second floor.

"We're most likely being watched. I don't doubt she has cameras all over the place." Zoro glances around in an attempt to find said cameras.

"We should probably split up. You three stay down here to thwart any plans they have to come after us. There are undoubtedly guards of some kind placed around on this floor and you will also be the first to know if anyone comes in after us." Law looks over to Zoro after addressing Sanji, Luffy, and Ace. "You and I will go upstairs and handle what we came to deal with."

Everyone shares a nod. Luffy, Ace, and Sanji head to the main part of the second floor to scope out any one who might be waiting to ambush them, or who just might be a general nuisance. Zoro and Law ascend the stairs to the top floor.

Zoro can feel Law's eyes on him every now and then as they quietly make their way up the staircase. The hand he has on one of his sword hilts flexes around the grip out of instinct. It doesn't matter that they've come this far with Law, Zoro is still a little wary of the man. He did come out of nowhere and was all too willing to help out after all.

Zoro can't wait to get this over with. It's finally happening, he's going to be free. He doesn't have to be controlled by this hellish company or those gruesome urges anymore. He doesn't have to feel demonic when enjoying that euphoric state of mind after a kill.

What he doesn't think about is how eradicating the source of this euphoria is going to affect him later on when he has no means or reason to feel it again. That he keeps hidden away to never think about later.

"Roronoa." Zoro's attention snaps to Law. He really needs to be on full alert right now, he can't space out like that. "Are you ready? " He can see that they have reached the top of the stairs and are standing in front of the only door on this floor. Zoro nods to Law who nods back. Behind this door could be nothing, or it could be her.

-:-

Sanji, Luffy, and Ace wait until they hear Zoro and Law reach the top of the staircase before opening any doors. They don't want to tip anyone off that they're here yet if they don't know. Once sure that the other two are ready, the three men on the second floor split up into the two rooms presented before them on the landing. Sanji and Luffy head into one while Ace takes the other.

Once through the door, Sanji and Luffy pause to get a look around the room. There are only a few guys in here. Most of them are sitting at computers or on the phone, they're most likely recruiters or who someone would call if they wanted a hit Sanji assumes. They all have wide eyes of shock and all of them stopped what they were doing upon their arrival. They are not threatening, but there are a few guys hanging around that do look threatening. And they are closing in fast.

Sanji feels the punch to his side before he realizes there was someone next to him. It knocked the air out of him, but he remains upright and positions himself so he can see his attacker head on. He shifts his weight to one leg and brings the other up to plant a foot into the guy's ribs. He hears a snapping sound and the guy falls to the floor. He didn't even try to block it; he never had a chance. Sanji whirls around with another kick as he felt a presence behind him and knocks some teeth out of the guy trying to sneak up on him. It takes a few more kicks to knock this guy out. He lands a few punches on Sanji who is now sporting a split lip and some bruised ribs. The blonde looks over to Luffy who is engaged with two guys but about three others are sprawled on the ground around him. Sanji had no idea this lanky guy had that kind of power. Luffy puts the last two down quickly and smiles over at Sanji.

"Woo, that was fun! I wonder if there'll be any more." Luffy stretches his arms and bounces on his toes.

"I'm sure there will be once Zoro and Law are found."

Just as he thought, Sanji hears some footsteps on the stairs outside the doorway and prepares himself for the onslaught. The two decide to head out of the room and corner them on the stairs. Ace joins them from the room he had just cleared out at the top of the stairs. They see a door they hadn't noticed earlier on the ground floor that is open and pouring out some kind of security for the building. It looks like the real fight hasn't even begun yet.

The three men start on the guards who had made their way onto the landing and send them over the railing of the staircase to the first floor and on top of a few unlucky guards. Sanji uses the length of his legs to his advantage and sweeps a few of their enemies off their feet in one go, effectively knocking them down the stairs and into those who were behind them. Sanji, Luffy, and Ace have an unfair advantage being at the top of the stairs, it really is a shame that the guards weren't stationed on a higher floor. Sanji continues kicking all of the guards in front of him down with powerful kicks. He keeps in mind what Law said: keep it clean. They can only do so much to make this look like they weren't there. Though it isn't likely that someone will come investigating this dilapidated looking building, and no one will miss a few assholes who contract kids to kill for their entire life. With this in mind, Sanji aims his kicks for the ribs in an effort to spill as little blood as he can.

Sanji remains relatively unharmed until he kicks out at his latest victim and is tugged down the stairs with him; the shitty bastard had grabbed his ankle. He recovers from the fall but now he is surrounded. Shit. Maybe Luffy and Ace will push down to where he is now, there's no way he's making it back up without consequence.

-:-

As soon as they opened the door, Law and Zoro were under attack. Zoro only had the time to pull two of his swords before he had to start defending himself. He'll get the third one out later; he probably doesn't even need it yet. The security wasn't as light as they were hoping for, but not something they weren't expecting. He pulls up his blades to defend from a kick and then counter attacks with a slash of his sword. He sends slashes all around him as more guards come up to surround him on all sides. Once they're all down he takes a breath to scan the room. Zoro can tell that she isn't in here though but there is another door at the opposite side of the room. That has to be where she is.

Zoro wants to get to that backroom as fast as he can. He wants to end this. He needs to know that she's gone, that he can have his own life back. He focuses on nothing but cutting down everyone around him. He forces his mind to not focus on the waves of pleasure that wash over him after each stroke of his blades slice through soft flesh, but the feeling intensifies with each new victim. His slashes are getting more brutal the farther back in the room he gets. The feeling is quickly overwhelming him; he's never killed this many people at once before. He continues to ignore it and press further to the back of the room with Law not far behind.

He can hear Law speaking to him, but he's too focused right now to listen. He's so close to his goal he can't stop yet. He pushes a sword through the last of the guard's abdomen before he feels a hand on his shoulder. He whirls around and almost takes Law's head off before he realizes who had grabbed him.

"Fuck, don't do that." Zoro can feel his limbs shaking from adrenaline and over excitement from his killing spree. He takes a deep breath to try and calm himself down.

"I can see what you meant when you said you liked it… It would be beneficial to everyone if you refrained from killing too many more though, this does all have to be cleaned up afterwards." Zoro had gotten so carried away he forgot what Law had said earlier, and had pointedly stated towards Zoro, about not spilling blood unless necessary. Law's hand had pulled away as soon as Zoro had turned around and it is now hovering near his shoulder like Law is unsure whether it is safe to touch Zoro. His face is calm, but Law's eyes betray what he is thinking. He's very wary of Zoro's current mental state. "Are you going to be alright after all of this, Roronoa?"

Zoro just grunts in affirmation. This is no time to be speaking about this. It's too late to avoid the mess, and it's a hell of a lot more efficient anyways. He turns towards the door they had finally made their way to and kicks it open with his all three swords in hand and mouth and ready for the final kill. He wants to be the one to do this. Law may have his own reasons for being here, but Zoro wants the kill. He needs it. Maybe killing her will give him enough satisfaction to never want to find that euphoric state ever again. He's going to kill the source.

He runs in and is again caught up with more guards, seriously how many does this bitch keep around? She must have known they were coming. They did hack into her computer after all; she most likely has a way of tracking that. Zoro doesn't give a shit if they were expected right now though. He just tears into all the remaining guards as he hears Law yell to him that he needs to flip his swords over or drop them. He's making a huge mess, but it's faster, it's easier and more effective, and now that he's started he can't stop. He's chasing the high; it's taken over like he used to let it when he first felt it only this time it's on a whole new level. He's never felt this before and he doesn't really want it to end.

He gets to the back of the room where he spots a small dark haired woman sitting at a desk smiling to him. She's fucking filing her nails of all things just enjoying the show Zoro is putting on. She is one sadistic bitch. "Roronoa, so good to finally meet you face to face. I had been expecting you to show up sooner or later. I can definitely say that you are one of my favorites, as stubborn and noncompliant as you are. And what you've just done definitely proves why; you're ruthless, I like that. So tell me, what brings you here today?"

Zoro just looks at her for a moment and instead of answering her question lunges forwards with a snarl and his swords out.

She just continues smiling and Zoro hears a loud pop sound and feels his shoulder pushed backwards by some invisible force. He keeps pushing forwards though never lowering his swords and witnesses her smile drop further with every step he takes. "Roronoa, stop this. You're angry with me, but there's no reason to act this way." When he doesn't stop his advancing she pulls out something small and metallic from her desk and aims it at Zoro. He feels warm blood trickling down the left side of his face as his eye fills with blood forcing him to lose vision on that side, but continues forward. "If you don't stand down Roronoa, I won't hesitate to use the gun again. I don't want to, as I do like employing you and it would be a shame to lose such talent."

Zoro doesn't give a flying fuck how many times she tries to shoot him; he is not leaving without sinking his blades deep into her flesh. He smashes the hand holding the handgun with the hilt of one of his swords and she drops the gun. He can feel the deranged expression contorting his features as he slowly plunges meticulously sharpened steel into an expensive black dress. He feels almost regretful that he didn't choose a different spot, as now he can't see the blood flow out from the black clothing covering the wound. He twists his blade and hears a sickening squelch and a gasp from his soon to be ex-employer as she stares at him wide eyed with blood starting to trickle out of her mouth. He pulls his sword out from her stomach and replaces it along with a second.

He can't stop himself. He's on a high like he's never felt, and taking out the source of his inner torment is escalating it to a scale he had no idea even existed. So he keeps slicing into the now still and quiet body.

He doesn't stop until he feels his body hit the ground. He holds his swords tighter and tries to lash out at his attacker, but the blood from his face has gotten into both of his eyes and he is effectively blinded. His arms are pinned so he can't even try to wipe it off his face. Zoro snarls and bucks to throw off the body on top of him. He hears whoever it is yelling at him to calm down, but why should he calm down? He's fine; he's doing what he came here for and feeling great about it. He continues struggling against the hold until he feels a blow to the back of his head.

-:-

Sanji's luck had turned around after he was pulled into the mass of guards. He, Luffy, and Ace were able to take them down with minimal injuries and run up to the third floor to help out Law and Zoro.

They reach the first room at the top of the stairs and the three men stop in their tracks at the amount of bodies lying on the floor. It wouldn't have been as shocking if it weren't for the amount of blood that is clearly coming from wounds made with a sharp edged weapon. They shake off the initial shock and head to the back room when they hear a commotion through the open door. They run to the room to see Law grabbing Zoro by the shoulders and throwing him to the ground face first. He then pins his arms and legs down, but Zoro is thrashing and snarling to get him off.

Sanji isn't sure what's happening. Is Law turning against them? Were they wrong to trust him?

"Calm down, Roronoa! You need to stop! She's dead, all right? You got her. Now calm down. You've gone way over board here." Sanji looks to where Zoro was standing before Law threw him to the floor and nearly vomits at the sight. He sees a bloody mess of what looks like used to be a woman. Zoro did that? He looks back over to Law and Zoro. The green haired man is still struggling with all he's got, but his arms are at too awkward of an angle to give him any leverage. "Zoro, I'm not letting you go until I know you're calm. If you can't do that then I won't hesitate to knock you out."

Sanji can tell that Zoro isn't even hearing the words. He's in a blind rage, and by the looks of it a killing spree. This is what Zoro does? He knew he killed people, but this… Sanji starts backing up towards the doorway and knocks into Luffy and Ace who are also staring at the scene before them.

They see Law raise his sword and Sanji is about to yell out not to kill Zoro when he sees him use the hilt to stike the back of Zoro's head. He green-haired man immediately goes limp.

Law heaves a heavy sigh and stands up. He looks over with a surprised expression at the three other men. "I don't know how much of that you saw, but he's ok, just unconscious."

"Let's just get him down to Chopper." Luffy moves towards Zoro and bends down to pick up the man by his arms. Ace runs over to grab his legs and the two heft him out the room. Sanji is unable to move from where he stopped. He feels a presence moving closer to him and he turns to see Law holding out Zoro's swords.

"Here, he would probably be more comfortable if you were to hold onto these. We should move out, too. I'll be calling assistance for some clean up, and it would be best if we weren't here when they get here. They are not going to be happy with the mess, and it will go faster if we're out of the way." Law leaves through the open door and Sanji follows after a few moments of staring at the weapons in his hands.

When they get down to the crew, they can see Chopper tending to Zoro in the back of the van with Nami close by handing him medical supplies. Everyone is standing outside the vehicle while silently looking to Sanji with the exception of Luffy and Ace who are hovering near Chopper.

"Is he ok? Ace and Luffy didn't say anything when they brought him out." Usopp speaks up with a timid voice and wide eyes.

"I don't know, I wasn't–"

"He's ok, just unconscious. He was shot in the right shoulder and has obtained a gash on the left side of his face along with a bump on his head, but that's all." They both leave out the fact that Law was the one to knock Zoro unconscious and the cause of the bump.

"But there's so much blood. He must have some serious wounds, I wouldn't be shocked if he is in mortal danger with that amount of blood lost." Sanji loves Robin, she's beautiful and smart, but he really wishes that she would not state the worst outcomes. Yeah there's a lot of blood, but he can only hope that it is not his boyfriend's blood all over him. He's already seen that once, and he never wants to see or think about it again.

"Trust me, he's ok. It isn't his." Oh good he's just covered in other people's blood.

They all come to an agreement that they need to find somewhere to clean up, get everyone else tended to, and let Zoro rest a bit before heading out. It's already well into the night and they're all exhausted from the excitement.

"How's he look, Chopper?" Sanji needs to hear it from Chopper. Law may have witnessed what happened, but he also rendered the man unconscious. Sanji would rather hear about Zoro's current state from Chopper.

"He's going to be ok. He has gun shot wound in his right shoulder, but it isn't too bad it went right through; it should heal quickly and without any problems. He also has a small wound to the back of his head but it looks worse than it is. My only concern is for his eye. The cut is really deep and I can't be sure of the extent of damage until he's awake."

"His eye? Is he blind?"

"I don't know yet. He could very well not be able to use his left eye, or the eye itself could be fine but he could be unable to open his eyelid. Or he'll only have a scar from the whole incident."

Sanji tries not to think about Zoro losing an eye, it could still work they don't know yet. At least it's only his eye and nothing worse, like all of Zoro.

They carefully secure the unconcious Zoro in the van and drive off to find a motel of some kind for the night.


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.**

Sanji has been sitting outside the motel room that Zoro has been deposited in. He's been chain smoking for about an hour; he'll probably have to go buy soon at this rate. He can't get the scene of where he found Zoro out of his head. How is he supposed to feel about this?

He takes a long drag of his cigarette and slowly exhales the smoke watching it swirl around in the night air and up to the light hanging off the side of the building. He flicks the end of the cigarette to drop off the ash to the ground; he probably should have brought out an ashtray or something to ash in because he's making quite the mess out here. He'll blow it all away later. No use tidying up now if he's just going to leave more mess.

Sanji stares at the smoldering tip of his cigarette while he thinks. He had said that he wouldn't leave Zoro, that's how all of this even started. That's why everyone knows about this, why everyone is here, because Sanji had gotten Zoro to tell him something about himself that he was too scared to let others know. Something that he was scared Sanji would run away from. Sanji said he wouldn't. But he wasn't expecting all of that. Maybe he should have run away.

No. He said he wouldn't. And he isn't. This is all over now; this isn't something Zoro will keep doing. He didn't want to keep doing it. But it's clearly something he's really fucking good at. Sanji shudders at the images brought up from that thought.

Witnessing Law knock Zoro unconscious really freaked Sanji out. Why did he do that? He hasn't had a chance to ask Law about that. He's not sure he even wants to know why. Seeing Zoro thrashing on the floor and snarling like that really makes Sanji wonder if there is more to this than Zoro had originally said.

He'd rather not think too much into right now. They do have a two-day drive back home and being afraid of his boyfriend in a small space is not going to be fun. He pushes those thoughts away and resolves to make sure Zoro is feeling ok physically rather than mentally right now. He can deal with that later. Sanji flicks away his last cigarette butt and stands. He heads back into the room to check on his moss head. He's been out for a while; Sanji hopes Law didn't hit his head too hard.

-:-

Zoro slowly comes to consciousness then quickly jolts up. Why was he out? He should be in the middle of slicing up organization lackeys. As his eye focuses on the room he's in he realizes this is not where he should be. He doesn't even know where he is, which is not an unfamiliar feeling so he's admittedly not too worried about the where, but why he's here.

He thinks back to the last thing he remembers. It's all a blur. He was running on such a high that it clouded his memory. And most likely it had clouded his rational thought if what he's remembering is correct. Fuck. It's all coming back now. Law had to knock him out. At least it was just Law there to witness that.

He can still feel the remnants of that high lingering. Zoro hopes he's near a bar. He really needs something after all of that. He shakes his head and makes to stand up and realizes that his right side really hurts. How did he not notice that earlier? He looks down at his shoulder and sees it covered in bandages. Putting a shirt on is not going to be pleasant. He also has a fair amount of blood staining his skin still. He should wash that off before he goes anywhere.

He sighs and pushes himself into a standing position before realizing that he can't see half of the room. The fuck? He waves his hand in front of the left side of his face then touches his left eye when he can't see his hand. There's padding and bandages over it. He hopes that isn't going to be a problem.

He vaguely remembers acquiring those injuries. He does remember who they're from though. At least he got her back for it, and about twenty times over. Ugh, he wants to vomit after thinking about what he did. He has no regrets for killing her, but what he did after was just plain wrong. He really needs that drink now.

He goes to the bathroom and looks at himself in the mirror. He looks ridiculous with the bandages covering just about half of his face. But there's nothing he can do about it right now so he shrugs and looks over the rest of himself. He's got some blood in his hair still along with the blood that is on his arms and torso. It looks like someone had tried to clean him off a little but was unable to get all of him clean. He wants to take a shower but thinks better of it since he has bandages on. He doesn't really want to take them off and see his eye yet. He grabs a towel and wets it to wipe the dried blood off. He sticks his head under the sink and tries to wash out the blood from his hair. He watches the brownish red colored water swirl down the drain as he scrubs at his head careful not to get any water on his bandaged face. He can feel the tender spot on the back of his head where Law had hit him. He grabs a new towel to rub on his head to dry his hair out a bit. This one has blood on it now too. He should probably burn those before he leaves, or take them with him.

He throws on some clothes, apparently he had been stripped, and heads towards the door. Right as he is about to open the door though it opens for him and Sanji pokes his head through.

"Moss head, you're up." The blonde looks to him with a surprised expression. He probably wasn't expecting Zoro to be walking around in here.

"Yeah."

"How you feeling? " Zoro can see Sanji looking at his bandaged shoulder and eye as he asks.

"I'm fine. I'm sure it looked worse than it feels." He shrugs his left side, as that shoulder doesn't have a hole through it. "Where are we?"

"Pit stop at a motel before we head home. Thought we could all use a rest, and we didn't know how long you'd be out for so… " Sanji hasn't come all the way in the room after opening the door. He's still standing a little awkwardly in the doorway and hardly looking at Zoro. Zoro doesn't think much of this since all he wants right now is to drown out the sick feeling he still has after killing so many people.

"Oh. Well, I'm up now. Please tell me there's a fucking bar nearby." He didn't realize how anxious he was, he had a shit ton of dopamine flood his brain and it still hasn't dispersed. He looks to the cook hopefully.

"Probably, I haven't really looked. You probably shouldn't be up though. I should go get Chopper. He wanted to look at your eye once you were awake." He turns to exit the room and possibly find the young doctor.

"Not right now, cook. He can do it later." Zoro places a hand on the blonde's arm to stop him from finding Chopper. Sanji flinches slightly at the contact and he brings his hand back to his side. Again, he's too distracted to look too much into the cook's actions.

"Zoro, he wants to make sure you can see, that's kind of important."

"Not right now." Zoro shakes his head and pushes past the blonde. He heads to where he can see streetlights lining the road. So it's still dark out. He has no idea what time it is. Hopefully something is open. Thankfully there's a bar that is right next to where they are staying. It looks to be part of the shitty little motel and still open. He settles himself in the back after paying for a whole bottle to take to the table with him. He's not wasting any time tonight.

There is hardly anyone in the bar, which is perfect, there's no one to bother him, no lines to get a new drink. He gets some weird looks for the bandage on his face, but he couldn't care less right now. He pours himself a few drinks from his bottle and sighs as he feels the burn from the alcohol as it slides down his throat. He never has to do this again. This is the last time. He feels a weight off his shoulders as he thinks about that. And then he quickly finishes the bottle to push other gruesome thoughts out of his mind.

He is grateful that this particular bar either doesn't care if Zoro drinks himself to death or can see that he just needs a lot to be drunk. It could also have a lot to do with the lack of many other customers and they want his money no matter how wrecked he gets himself. They haven't cut him off the entire time he's been there. He doesn't know how long that is though. He has taken full advantage of being served until he can't see. Though that's not too hard considering he can't see out of one eye anyways right now.

He looks down at the current drink he's working on. As drunk as he is, the alcohol still isn't numbing him like he wants. This happens sometimes, and he really hates it. He needs a distraction or something. This is usually when he would go find some girl to bring home and fuck her until he passed out, but he can't do that anymore now that he has Sanji.

Speaking of Sanji, that looks like him walking through the door. Perfect timing. He smiles as he watches his cook walk towards where he is sitting.

"Oh man, Zoro, look at you. You look like a fucking mess."

"But I'm your mess."

Sanji shakes his head and laughs a little at him. "Yeah, I guess you are. Come on, you've been here long enough." He reaches out a hand and Zoro grabs it and pulls Sanji to his lap and wraps his arms around his waist. "I should have seen that coming." Zoro leaves kisses on Sanji's neck and jaw while a hand inches closer to the blonde's crotch. "Zoro, quit. Don't do that in here. Let's go." Sanji pushes away Zoro's wandering hand and gets off his lap. He never has gotten that comfortable with being too affectionate towards each other in public. Though Zoro supposes a blatant hand to the crotch is a little forward in public. He pulls Zoro up with him and wraps an arm around his waist while throwing Zoro's uninjured arm around his shoulders. Zoro takes advantage of the opportunity this gives him to lick up the cook's neck. Sanji sighs. "I can't get you out of here fast enough can I? I must say I definitely prefer this drunk Zoro to angry mopey drunk Zoro."

"I don't mope."

"Whatever you say."

The whole walk back Zoro nosed and nipped at Sanji's ear. They're just outside their room now and Zoro can't help but think Sanji should have refrained from locking the door. Now that he has sex on his drunken mind he can't think of anything else. Once the door is open he pushes Sanji through it and immediately against the wall next to it. He presses his mouth to Sanji's before the cook even has the chance to fight him off. He can feel his pants getting tighter as he kisses Sanji at a fevered pace. He needs this right now. Not only does he just want his cook, but he also needs the stimulation to replace the other pleasure that he feels.

He wraps his arms around the blonde and lifts him up to bring him to the bed all while never breaking the kiss. Zoro positions himself on top of Sanji using his uninjured arm to hold himself above the blonde while the other hand is used to touch every part of the other man that he can reach. He moves to kiss and bite down Sanji's neck, finally freeing the cook's mouth.

"Zoro…" He can feels Sanji's hands on him. He's so focused on trying to get the blonde's shirt off while still being attached to his neck that he doesn't respond.

"Zoro. Hey, listen to me." Zoro figures that if the blonde wants to talk, he can talk while Zoro busies himself with ridding them of their clothing. He hums in response to let the blonde know that he heard him. He's having a hard time being patient with Sanji's stupid shirt and he starts rubbing himself against the cook's leg. "Zoro, you're not even listening to me are you? I told you to stop."

He hears that. He pulls his face away from Sanji's neck. "What? Why?"

"You're fucking wasted. This isn't enjoyable for me. And I'm not exactly in the mood right now…" Sanji looks away from the green haired man's face. All right yeah, Zoro is ridiculously drunk right now, but he can still perform. He's done this plenty of times and never really had an issue that he can remember and right now he's fully erect. He shifts his hips in attempt to show Sanji, but his leg that is between the blonde's legs can feel the obvious lack of excitement from the cook. He really isn't into this right now. "Zoro, just get off me." Sanji lightly pushes at Zoro's shoulders and Zoro complies by rolling to the side and onto the expanse of bed next to the cook.

He doesn't know what to say. The cook has never outright denied him like this. At least not since the first time he kissed him. And he's too drunk to really think of something appropriate so instead of a response he gets off the bed and heads to the door. He still needs something to override the last remaining euphoria and now that sex is out of the question he really needs to figure something out.

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know. To take a fucking walk." He gets out the door before he can hear if Sanji responds. Now what is he going to do? He adjusts himself in his pants as he walks, or more stumbles, in the direction of the bar. He still has a hard on. He doesn't know if he'll actually end up at the bar or not but he continues in that direction with Sanji's rejection weighing heavily on his mind.

-:-

Sanji sighs as he watches the door close on his moss head. He briefly wonders if he should go after him so he doesn't hurt himself, but the way he said his last comment makes his mind up for him. He seems like he'd rather be alone if Sanji is going to deny him. How can that man say he doesn't mope? He's doing it right now. He rolls his eyes at his stupid drunk of a boyfriend.

Sanji thought he would be perfectly fine having sex with the idiot, but once Zoro had laid him down on the bed all the sex drive had just gone out of him. Even if Zoro hadn't been as drunk as he is right now Sanji still wouldn't have wanted to continue. Being trapped under a man who he knows just killed a building full of people and mutilated one, a woman no less, was a little unnerving. It wasn't that long ago that the gruesome event transpired and Sanji is still unsure of how he feels about the entire thing. It was different before he actually saw what Zoro did. And he had only known about Zoro's extracurricular activities for a little over a week now. That isn't a whole lot of time to really let it sink in when so much else has been going on.

Sanji really didn't want to think about this until they were all home, but now that he's just had that encounter with Zoro he can't help it. All of the things Zoro had said concerning the topic comes back to Sanji. He recalls Zoro's anxiety attack that had driven him to run away and what he had said afterwards about the concerns he had that had escalated him to that point. How he feels that everyone should be afraid of him. He remembers how Zoro had refused to tell Sanji about any of this in fear of Sanji leaving and being afraid of him.

As he goes over all of this his mind brings up the first encounter he really had with Zoro about this. The night Zoro got himself insanely drunk and had a breakdown of sorts; the night that had actually sparked Sanji's feelings for the moss head when he kissed him the first time. The night when Zoro had told him how horrible he felt as a person, how he was drowning the euphoria… And the next morning when he confronted Zoro about what had happened.

Sanji gasps and feels the blood drain out of his face when he remembers the words Zoro had spoke to him when he asked why Zoro felt like such a horrible person: Because I enjoy it.

He hadn't really thought about it since then because out of context they hadn't made any sense, but now those words hold too much truth.

An image of bodies strewn across the floor covered in blood enters his mind, then the image of Law holding a blood soaked and protesting Zoro down. Sanji is having a hard time finding his breath.

Zoro likes it.

That's what he didn't want anyone to know. That's why he's so weird about the whole thing. If he had just been doing this for the money then that's a whole different situation, but Zoro actually enjoys it.

Admittedly, Sanji is actually a little afraid of Zoro now.

-:-

Sanji eventually falls asleep and wakes up to a knock on his door. The sun is streaming in through the thin curtains covering the windows. As he gets up to check the door, he realizes Zoro isn't in the room with him. He doesn't remember the moss head ever coming back; at least Sanji didn't wake up if he had.

Chopper is on the other side of the door asking for Zoro. He really wants to check on his injuries and he's eager to see how his eye is. They still aren't even sure if he can use it anymore.

"Sorry Chopper, I don't where he is. He left last night and I fell asleep afterwards, I'm not even sure if he came back."

"Where did he go?"

"I don't know. He was wasted and upset with me I think. He probably went back to that shit hole bar." Now that he thinks of it, Zoro could easily have gotten himself lost. A very intoxicated moss head with a worrisome lack of direction left to his own devices may be impossible to find. Shit does he have his phone with him?

"He was drinking? He shouldn't be drinking! He has a head injury! What if he has a bleed in his brain! Oh my god, we have to find him!" Chopper is frantic now. He probably should have left the drinking out, but the doctor is right, he really should not have been drinking. But no one is going to stop that idiot from doing anything once he wants to.

After Sanji dresses, the two head over to the bar to see if they know what happened to their moss creature last night, but on the way over the spot broken glass and a pair of boots near their van. They walk in that direction and find an unconscious Zoro clutching an empty bottle with another broken near his feet. He's propped up against the side of the van. Poor guy probably couldn't figure out where his room was so he fell asleep here.

Sanji nudges the man in the leg with the toe of his shoe. "Hey, shit head, get up." He gets no response, which isn't too surprising since that probably wouldn't wake him up if he hadn't been drinking. He shakes his shoulder with a hand and repeats his urges for the man to wake up. The only response that gets him is Zoro's head falling to the side from the force of his body shaking. Sanji sighs. Chopper starts rambling nervously that something could be wrong with him. He checks his breathing and heart rate just in case and deems the man ok in those areas. He opens his good eye to check his pupil response to make sure no brain damage occurred and seems happy with the results.

The rest of their group shows up to the van to pack their things away. Everyone gathers around Zoro asking what's wrong with him and if his condition has worsened or if he hadn't even woken up yet.

"He's just drunk. Or he was. We can't get him to wake up though." Sanji is a little nervous that the moss won't wake up, but Chopper seems to not be too worried anymore so he supposes that he isn't in too much danger.

"Shit. Well what's he doing out here?"

"I guess he couldn't find the room last night."

"That's too bad, usually when this happens I'll douse him in cold water and he wakes up. Just keep shaking him and talk loudly at him and he should come to enough to get him moved." Sanji can't believe that Ace has had to do this so many times that he actually knows how to deal with this so well. Everyone looks to Ace with an expression that mirrors what Sanji is thinking. "Should we move him back to his room or into the van?"

"We should probably be heading out we don't want to hang around here too long, let's get him to the van." Sanji had almost forgotten Law was with them. Heads turn to the dark haired man and nod.

Sanji continues staring at Zoro while Ace and Usopp shake him and try to coax him awake. After a bit he opens his eye and groans as the two keep talking to him to keep him awake. He's really out of it. Sanji comes back to his senses and grabs the empty bottle from Zoro's hand and pushes the broken glass away with his foot. They get the man on his feet and usher him into the back seat of the van.

They finish packing up their stuff and pile into the vehicle; Sanji climbs into the back and places himself next to the half conscious Zoro. He may be a little uneasy around him now, but he is currently about as threatening as a sack of flour and he might as well do what he can to take care of him. He does still love him after all.

Franky starts the van and heads back down the highway to begin their two-day journey home. Zoro eventually wakes up all the way when they stop for something to eat.

Chopper finally gets the chance to check out his injured eye. The three of them head out to the van to get Zoro's injury looked over so no one who is still eating has to see it since they're not sure what it looks like. Zoro protests the entire time, but he sits still long enough to get a diagnosis.

"Stop doing that!"

"I have to open your eye, Zoro! I can't see the extent of the damage if I don't."

"Do you have to do it like that?"

"How else am I supposed to do it? Your eye only opens one way. Although right now it actually looks like your eye lid is split in two…" Sanji feels a shiver down his spine at that thought. He positions himself so he doesn't have to see the injury. "If you don't want me to do this, then try opening it on your own."

There are a few moments of silence and a sigh from Zoro. "I can't."

"Hm. Alright. We'll see if that gets better after the wound itself heals. I'll have to open it myself then."

"Fuck! Chopper hurry up."

"Quit moving your head! Alright, now close your right eye."

"Then why did you just open it if you want me to close it?"

"Your right eye stupid! Your left is injured." Sanji hears the sound of flesh hitting flesh. Chopper must have hit Zoro for being a directionally challenged idiot.  
"Oh."

"Ok, tell me what you can see."

Sanji peaks back around to see Chopper waving his hand in front of Zoro's face. "Uh, everything is kind of blurry. Are you moving? I can kind of see something moving I think…" Chopper hm's again. "What?"

"Well, your vision may improve, but it isn't guaranteed. It depends how deep the slice to your cornea is. It didn't seem to perforate your eye too deeply, so it won't have to be removed. I'll definitely have to keep checking on it. Can you try closing your eye?"

Zoro huffs. "That's as far it will go. So I'm probably not going to see out of it?"

Sanji can see Chopper place a hand on Zoro's face, most likely to close the lid all the way. "I can't say for sure right now, but I'm not going to get your hopes up. We'll know more in a few days when it's healed a little more. For now I want to keep it covered and closed."

Zoro nods and Chopper replaces the bandages to his eye.

They load back into the van once everyone joins them outside after finishing their meals.

Now that Zoro is awake, Sanji can feel the slight tension between them. They're sitting next to each other but only touching as much as necessary and they've hardly said a word to one another. Sanji doesn't want anything to seem awkward between them, at least not to the others, so he places a hand on Zoro's leg and peaks over to him. Zoro throws a weak smile back to him. Sanj isn't sure if Zoro is uncomfortable with Sanji because of what happened the previous night or if he feels off because he might be down a functioning eye. Sanji knows full well why he feels weird around the moss head though. "Hey, you ok?"

Zoro grunts a response but shifts so his leg is closer to Sanji. He goes to place his hand on top of Sanji's but the blonde moves his hand away slightly and Zoro pauses his movements and looks away with a dejected expression. Sanji really doesn't know how he feels towards Zoro right now, but he does still love him and he doesn't want him to feel like he's being totally rejected especially after last night. He grabs the other man's hand and squeezes it. Zoro looks back over to him with a saddened smile and shifts to lay his head on Sanji's shoulder.

They don't talk to one another for most of the drive back.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Woohoo, new chapter already! I should really be job hunting, but writing is so much more fun. Hope y'all like it!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.**

The van pulls up to Zoro's apartment after a long and quiet two-day drive. Zoro can feel someone lightly shaking him and hears Sanji's voice telling him to wake up because he's home. He opens his eye and notices that most of the others seem to have been dropped off already, as it is only himself, Sanji, Law and Franky left in the vehicle.

He's exhausted. Physically because of the amount of exertion he needed to kill so many people, mentally because of the quiet and distant behavior of the cook for the last two days. To make the confusion he has towards Sanji worse, the blonde says he's going to go home for the night. He would have liked to have Sanji stay the night but it was a pretty stressful few days, so he does understand that he may just need some time to himself. He barely even gets a kiss goodbye in before Sanji gets in his car.

Sanji heads out, but Law stays for a while longer. He had mentioned that he wanted to talk to Zoro. Zoro has an idea of what he wants to talk about if he's waiting for Sanji to leave. The two men are sitting in Zoro's living room while Zoro waits for the other man to speak.

He can feel Law staring at him. He does that a lot. "Does that happen every time?"

"Does what happen?" Now Zoro isn't sure what he wants to talk about. After witnessing the awkward goodbye to Sanji, he could very well be talking about that.

"What happened at the organization headquarters. You went on a bit of a rampage."

"Oh." Zoro looks away from Law. He's a little embarrassed that he saw that. "No. Nothing like that has ever happened. I usually have better control."

"Then why did it happen this time?"

"It got too overwhelming." Law gives him a questioning look. Right, he doesn't know about the feeling. "It's kind of a… sensory overload thing. I don't know. I get a high or something from… killing, and that was just a lot." He can't believe he's actually talking about this out loud with someone. "I don't really want to get into that."

Law nods like he understands a little of what Zoro is trying to say. Or at least is attempting to. "Do you have to have control normally? Like right now?"

"No. Only in the moment."

"Is it safe for others to be around you? And so close to you?"

Zoro has wondered this before. Hell, that's part of the reason he ran away that one time when Sanji told the others about all of this. He doesn't want to hurt anyone, or scare anyone, but… "I think so. I mean, I've been with all of them for almost six years now and nothing has happened."

"Are you going to be ok without the organization? They gave you a pretty convenient way to express this. I mean I saw what happened. You got yourself pretty lost in it all, who's to say you won't go looking for that again?"

He didn't want to think about that. He purposely ignored those thoughts whenever they entered his mind. He has felt like that before, but he has always had the organization to give him an outlet. Now that's gone. "I don't know. I just have to have control. And I know you're going to say it doesn't look like I have any, but I have never killed unless I was ordered to with the exception of this. I don't want to kill anyone. I don't know what happened to me, but I was never like this before."

"It started with the organization?"

"Yeah. I don't know. Maybe it was always there but I didn't know until then."

"That's why you wanted to do this."

Zoro nods. "I'm hoping after all of this, without the temptation, I'll just get to feel normal. I've never felt normal. Sanji helps with that, but he's… I don't know what he's thinking right now." He's a little concerned with the state of their relationship currently. Hopefully with a little time there won't be such a strain between them.

"I guess I should probably inform you that your blonde was there when I knocked you unconscious."

Zoro's heart stops and feels himself pale. He turns to Law with wide eyes. "What do you mean he was there? How much did he see?"

"I'm not sure, but he is definitely aware of the fact that I had to stop you. And he definitely saw what you had done."

The cook's behavior makes a lot of sense now. He's afraid of Zoro. That's not what he wants. Fuck, how does he fix that? Sanji saw the mass amounts of bodies he tore into, he saw the mutilation he inflicted on a body, on a woman, Sanji's weakness of sorts. Maybe he can show the cook that he isn't dangerous, at least not towards him. Zoro starts to feel the room closing in on him. He might be losing Sanji, the one thing in the world that has actually made him feel like a real human, the only person he has ever trusted enough to let in and actually truly feel something for. He feels prickling behind his eyes but pushes the emotion away. He doesn't like crying and there is no way he is crying in front of Law. And he isn't sure how his injured eye will take to the tears. Instead he nods and turns slightly back to Law. "I appreciate you letting me know."

He can tell Law senses that he wants to be alone and stands to leave. Before he leaves, Zoro calls out to him. "Hey. Thanks for the help."

"And thank you for allowing me the opportunity to help." He bows his head slightly towards Zoro in gratitude. He never did tell them why he wanted to destroy the organization, but Zoro can tell that he is very glad that it is gone. He seems a little more at ease in general. "Oh, and Roronoa, do know that if you are having control issues, I'll be glad to help. Even if I have to hit you over the head again."

"I'm sure you would be more than happy to do that." Zoro snorts a laugh at the man. "But thanks."

Law closes the door and Zoro is left alone. He feels a wave of sorrow hit him that has to do with the cook and all he wants to do is drown out the feeling with alcohol, but he shouldn't do that. He can't fix his problems that way. He knows that too well. So instead he orders take out and sits numbly in front of his television until his exhaustion forces him to fall asleep.

-:-

It's been a little over a month since they had all gotten back home, and since Sanji and Zoro had been comfortable around each other. Zoro thought that maybe after a few days, or a week or so that the cook could have sorted out his thoughts. That maybe he would want to talk to Zoro about how he's feeling or something, not that Zoro likes talking about feelings but he thinks that it might be beneficial to do so in this situation. But Sanji has remained distant.

He knows that Sanji knows. But Zoro is too afraid to say anything; he doesn't want to confirm it. Maybe if he doesn't say anything about it and if he acts normal Sanji will think he's wrong. That's the best he can do for right now: just act normal.

They still see each other, but not as often. And when they do Sanji seems really uneasy around him. It hurts Zoro's heart to see how he reacts to him, and he would almost rather not see Sanji if it meant he didn't have to see the hint of fear in his eyes. A lot of the time Sanji says he can't stop by because he's busy. He doesn't bring dinner over as often anymore. Zoro isn't dealing with it well.

He's started drinking again. But this time it isn't a binge. It's often. He doesn't go so far as he used to where he would pass out, but just enough to numb his mind. He's also noticed the urges creeping up, and without Sanji around to keep them at bay he's not sure if everything is going to be all right.

He knows he's only developing a problem by doing this, and he knows it isn't helping but he doesn't know what else to do. So he keeps drinking. The only time he's really sober anymore is when he's at work. And he can't even ride his motorcycle to work anymore because he can't use his left eye. His vision improved a little bit after healing, but he still can't open it without forcing the lid up. So his entire left side is blind on the bike. He isn't too happy about it, but he plans to figure something out so he can still ride it without getting hit. Losing his eye has been just another piece to add to the growing pile of shit.

Sanji gives him a feeling that is far better than the one he receives after killing, but he doesn't have Sanji right now, not really. He's afraid of what could happen. But he hides it. He hides the drinking. He hides the concern he has for himself. He hides the distance between him and the cook from everyone else.

Everyone thinks Zoro is happy, they think he's fine, better than he was before. He's in a relationship, something he's never had before. He quit binging and he has no reason to binge like that anymore. He isn't being forced against his will into something that he hates doing. They are all happy for him, and tell him often.

But Zoro feels like he's almost worse than before. Now, instead of hating himself for enjoying the kill, he hates himself for wanting to kill, and because he's scaring away Sanji.

One night, Zoro can't take it anymore. He's been drinking at home for a while and the thoughts keep building up. He needs to talk to someone about Sanji. He can't keep this to himself anymore. He doesn't know how to handle this, he doesn't know how to talk to Sanji and fix everything. So he does what he always does when he has Sanji problems, or emotional problems in general. He finds himself on Nami's doorstep.

She opens the door and looks at him with a shocked expression. "Zoro. What are you doing here?" Zoro is so happy that she is actually home, he hadn't thought about it but he probably should have made sure she was instead of just dropping by.

All the emotion of what he wants to talk to her about wells up inside and he can't find the words for what he wants to say. He's trying his hardest to hold back the emotion on his face, but Nami quickly picked it out. "Come in. Come sit." She guides him over to the couch and sits him down. "What happened?"

He shakes his head. He hadn't thought about how he was going to talk to her about this, just that he needed to. He can't exactly tell her why this is all happening, but just that it is. "Sanji." That's all he can manage.

"Zoro… what happened? Did you two…?" Nami looks to him with wide and concerned eyes.

"No." He shakes his head and looks to the ground.

"Then what's wrong?"

He sits in silence for a few moments before responding. "It hasn't been the same since… since we all came back a month ago. It's like he's afraid of me. I hardly ever see him anymore."

Nami places a hand on Zoro's shoulder. "Have you talked to him about it?"

"No. I don't know what to say. And he doesn't want to talk to me."

"He probably just needed some time to wrap his head around the whole thing. We all have."

"This much time? Nami, I feel like I'm losing him. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to fix it. He won't talk to me."

"Zoro, he has a different relationship with you than the rest of us, he may need more time to sort it out. And he was in there with you. I don't know what he saw, but I'm sure that affected him."

That's what he's afraid of. Zoro sighs and speaks quietly so Nami can hardly hear him. "I shouldn't have done this. It was stupid of me to think I could do this." He isn't made for close relationships like he's had with Sanji.

She either doesn't hear him, or chooses not to respond to that. "Hey, you want me to talk to him? If it's been going on as long as you say, you guys really need to figure this out. I can at least try to get him to talk to you." Zoro just leans into her and places his forehead on her shoulder and wills away the emotion that's building up. He can hear her sniffing. "Zoro, have you started drinking again?" All he can manage is a nod. "I know you're hurting, but please be careful." After sitting together for a while and talking a bit more, she tells him it's getting late and that she needs to be heading to bed because she has work in the morning. Zoro reluctantly leaves and heads home. He wants to be alone, but he doesn't want to be in an empty home.

-:-

A month. It's been a whole month since Sanji saw Zoro's true nature. At least he assumes it's his true nature; it seemed pretty fucking natural to him. He still isn't sure what to feel towards Zoro. He is immensely confused.

On one hand he loves the idiot. He has fallen hard for the directionless green haired man. He misses him. Sanji always gets excited when he is on his way to see him. But once he does see him, he feels a cold finger of fear slide down his spine. He wants to be around him, he really does, but Sanji is having a hard time being comfortable near Zoro. He hates it.

He knows he's hurting Zoro. He can see it on his face when he does manage to see him. He can see the hurt in his eyes when Sanji reluctantly gets physically close to him. He can hear it in his voice when he tells Zoro that he can't stop by today because he's really busy with the restaurant and the moss-head sullenly responds with an oh that's ok don't worry about it if you're busy. He can tell Zoro wants to ask what's wrong, why he hardly sees Sanji anymore but he doesn't know how. Zoro's never been good with his words.

They haven't even had sex since before this all happened.

Sanji misses him so much. Why can't he just get over this? Why can't he just be ok with everything? Zoro isn't going to disappear anymore for a job. He's not being forced to kill anymore. But he wasn't forced to kill all of those people a month ago, was he?

Sanji understands that he did all of that because he wanted his life back. He was angry, and he probably isn't afraid to kill people because he's been doing it for a significant part of his life. But what is bothering him is the realization that Zoro likes it. He may not want to do it; he adamantly let Sanji know that he does not want to do it. But that doesn't change the fact that he had practically confessed to Sanji that he enjoys it. It just took a while for the information to register in Sanji's brain. And now that it has…

He feels his phone vibrate and pulls it out of his pocket. He's been contemplating his and Zoro's relationship while outside on a smoke break, well a chain smoke break really. He looks at his phone and sees a text from Nami. His spirits always lift when he talks to the beautiful flower that is Nami. His spark of joy is snuffed out once he reads the text.

 _Hey Sanji, Zoro stopped by last night and he seems to be in a bad way. I don't know if you've talked to him, but you might want to._

Zoro is feeling so upset about all of this that he's reached out to Nami. Sanji feels the guilt spread through him. Zoro rarely talks about his feelings, and Sanji has driven him to feel something so powerfully upsetting that he actually went to someone to talk it out. Shit. He really needs to talk to the moss ball. He's had a month to sort through his thoughts, and he's kept Zoro just guessing about what he's feeling. He probably thinks Sanji wants to leave him. He doesn't. He really doesn't.

He types a response back to Nami. _I'll talk to him. Thank you for letting me know._

He's made up his mind. He doesn't want to leave Zoro. He loves him, he cares about him, he wants to be with him. It may have taken a month and Nami explicitly telling him that Zoro is hurting to realize it, but he doesn't want to leave him.

He needs to stop being so cold to Zoro, he needs to let him back in. As fearful as he's been after his revelation, Sanji knows that Zoro would never hurt him. He never has. He's never shown any aggression or violent tendencies towards him, even when he's terribly drunk. He's seen Zoro in stressful and highly emotional states, but the worst he's done is yell at him. Zoro is actually really gentle with him, it's surprising at times to have this large and intimidating man run his fingers down his face in a gentle caress. Sanji can see the softness in his eyes when he's around Zoro.

He knows Zoro loves him. He's never actually said it, Sanji thinks he's probably afraid to, it's a really powerful emotion and Zoro and expressing emotions doesn't exactly fit well together. But he has told him in his own way.

Zoro has been around his friends for almost six years and they don't show any signs of being afraid that he will hurt them. They never have. So why should he? He loves him, he trusts him. He's wasted enough time thinking things over; he's put poor Zoro through enough emotional torment. He's been stupid for not talking to the moss-head earlier. He could have come to this conclusion a long time ago.

With this new resolve in his heart, Sanji heads back inside the restaurant to inform his employees that he will be heading out early. He quickly exits through the front of the restaurant and begins the familiar walk to the moss-head's place. He wants to get over there and fix everything so badly that he almost runs.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Wow, ok, here's another. I was on a roll and I couldn't stop so. More angst. Lots of yelling and feelings. And I managed to do this entire thing without and breaks**

 **EDIT: Someone brought my attention that I really over did it with my use of the word 'fuck' in this chapter and I definitely have to agree with them after rereading this haha. I hadn't even noticed until now, I got carried away. So I'm taking care of that. Thank you to the guest who had mentioned that, I'm fixing that because it is entirely too many and when I reread it I couldn't focus on anything else. Also going through the rest of my chapters as well to weed out the unnecessary usage.**

Zoro has been slowly working his way through his most recent bottle of the day. He's been drinking since he woke up, like he has been nearly every other day. He has a fleeting thought about how he's probably becoming a full-blown alcoholic, but right now he doesn't even care. He's just tired of feeling.

Which is a little ironic considering that was why he liked the euphoria he got after a kill in the first place: so he could really feel something. He never had any reason to feel much emotion when he was growing up. He was too busy trying to survive. He mostly felt hungry or tired, but that doesn't really count. He never had anyone to have emotions for; he never had a family that he can remember, he didn't really have friends, at least none that stuck around and no one worth caring for and really investing a lot of emotion in, at least not until now.

And now he's feeling too much. He's not used to it and he wants it to stop. It's too all consuming. He doesn't know how to deal with it.

He takes another pull from the bottle. It's almost empty now. He sighs; he doesn't even want to think about how many he's gone through today.

As he brings the bottle to his mouth to finish it off, he hears frantic knocking on the door. He lowers the bottle without drinking from it and looks to the door with a confused expression. Why are they knocking so much? And why can't he just be left alone right now? He groans and moves to the door with the bottle in hand.

He opens the door and finally gets the last of the alcohol tipped into his mouth, but he really wishes he had waited for that last sip because he was not expecting to see blonde and curly eyebrows. He chokes on the liquid as it travels to the back of his throat when he sucks in a surprised breath. Great, now he can't even talk to the man because he's having a coughing fit.

"Oi, moss-head you ok?" Zoro feels tears in his eyes from the force of his coughing and nods his head as he covers his mouth with the back of his hand that's holding the bottle. What is Sanji doing here? The blonde grabs the bottle from his hand and looks at it and then at Zoro questioningly. "Are you drinking again?" Zoro still can't speak, so he shoots the cook a look that says 'what do you think, you're holding the goddamn bottle I just finished.' "Right, stupid question. Come on let's get you some water before you hurt yourself."

He follows Sanji to the kitchen. What is he doing here? And he's acting… normal? Zoro is really confused. Maybe he drank too much in the past few days and it's really affecting him. Maybe that isn't Sanji; he could be hallucinating. Did he buy the wrong alcohol? The blonde hands him a glass of water and he gratefully takes a few sips to clear his throat. Zoro takes a deep breath and sighs; he feels much better. "Cook? What are you doing here?"

"What, am I not allowed to be here anymore?" Zoro just stares at him, dumbfounded. He really is acting normal. "What are you doing drinking so much?" He motions to the empty bottles littered around the kitchen and living area while scrunching up his nose. It probably reeks in here to anyone who hasn't been living off of alcohol for over a month.

Zoro raises an eyebrow at Sanji, has he forgotten how he's been acting towards him? "Uh, well…" He doesn't really know how to articulate 'I've been really sad because of you' in a way that doesn't sound like 'I've been really sad because of you'. So he leaves it at faltering syllables and lets Sanji figure out the rest.

Sanji smacks himself in the forehead. "Oh… I'm a god damn idiot. That's actually why I'm here. I wanted to talk to you."

"You want to… talk to me?" Zoro has been waiting for Sanji to talk to him for a month. But now he's not sure he wants it to happen. He's a little unsure of where it might go.

"Yeah, come here. Let's sit." Sanji jerks his head in the direction of the couch and Zoro follows him over. He does not like that Sanji is making him sit for this. Is he telling him to brace himself for bad news? Zoro feels unease settle in his stomach as his ass hits cushions. "Thought you might want to sit down if you're as drunk as I think you are… Is this what you've been doing?"

Zoro feels his ears heat up. That's a little embarrassing to admit that he's been drinking for a straight month because he's been upset. Well upset and afraid he might do something he regrets because he gets a compulsion. He looks at the cushion between them.

"Zoro… I'm so sorry." He puts a hand on Zoro's, but Zoro pulls his away. He may have wanted everything to go back to normal, but he's not just letting this all slide. And his drunken mind is allowing him to say things that he might not have sober.

"You're sorry? You think that's going to make the last month just go away? You think 'I'm sorry' is going to fix an entire month of wondering if you're going to leave me because I have no idea what the hell you're thinking? You wouldn't talk to me, you would barely see me, you would never stay long when you did, and if you were here you would hardly even look at me! So don't say you're fucking sorry."

Sanji looks a little taken aback from his outburst. "Zoro, I really am though. I just needed some time to think, I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Too late for that. You needed some time to think… a whole goddamn month? You couldn't have just talked to me and we could have thought about it together? What was that you told me, when you're in a relationship you talk to each other because you care about the other person? What happened to that?" Zoro didn't realize how angry he was with the blonde, though it could be the alcohol speaking. He is fairly intoxicated. But shit, he is pissed at Sanji. He should have talked to him.

"I know. Zoro, I know. I messed up. I should have talked to you, I know. It wasn't fair to you."

"No, it really wasn't. You think you are the only one who was affected by what happened? I've been dealing with the repercussions of my actions since I woke up afterwards! And I had to deal with my goddamn boyfriend not speaking to me for a fucking month." Shit, Zoro hopes Sanji doesn't ask what he means by repercussions. It's true, but not exactly something he needs Sanji to know so he can disappear for another month to think on it.

"I'm a shitty boyfriend, I know. I get it. I feel horrible for doing that to you. But you have to understand that I was a little freaked out. I mean I walked into a room full of _dead_ _bodies_ that you left behind. What am I supposed to feel after that?" Ok, so they both have pretty compelling reasons to be upset with the other. "I mean, fuck, Zoro. I had to watch Law knock you out, and I can only guess why. I heard what he was saying before he hit you over the head. About how you were going overboard and you needed to calm down. And you practically had admitted to me yourself how you _enjoy_ killing people, Zoro; it just took me a while to actually understand what you were saying. Yeah, I should probably have talked to you. But honestly… I was kind of scared of you."

That hit Zoro hard. It's one thing to think that Sanji is afraid of him, but to actually hear him say it? Man, that makes him feel really terrible inside. "Then what are you doing here? If you're so afraid of me that you couldn't even talk to me, what are you doing here? Why do this to me? Why come back and make me feel horrible about myself?"

"Because I realized you won't hurt me." Sanji's voice lowered in volume almost to a whisper. "It was horrible of me to think that you would. You wouldn't do that."

"How do you know that?" Zoro has been second-guessing the safety of others around him for a while. He's not so sure that he himself knows that.

"Because I know you. I can see it in your eye; you wouldn't hurt me. Or any of the others." Sanji scoots closer to Zoro on the couch. How they are both still sitting after yelling so much is surprising to Zoro. "And because I love you, and I trust you." Sanji is putting a lot of trust into someone who doesn't even trust himself anymore. The blonde reaches a hand out and places it on Zoro's face, tracing the scar over his left eye and disturbing the earings that hang on his ear on that side. Zoro can feel his body relax at Sanji's touch. He missed it so much. He leans into the cook's hand. He trusts Sanji, too. He trusts that Sanji will know if he's in danger.

How is Sanji so accepting of Zoro? It blows his mind how lucky he got. He closes his eye and just let's the cook run his thin fingers over Zoro's skin. "I'm still mad at you." He is. He can enjoy Sanji's presence and still be mad at him, right?

"You'd be more convincing if you weren't pouting, Mossy." Sanji laughs and pulls him in for a quick kiss. Zoro is wondering how long he can stay mad at the cook right now. He has really missed his touch. "How's your eye doing?"

Zoro still has his eye closed, but he can feel Sanji once again run a finger over the scar of his unusable eye. "It's ok. Doesn't really hurt anymore. I'm still getting used to it."

"And your shoulder?"

"It makes work hard. But it's fine."

"You're still lifting things? Zoro, Chopper told you not to. You have a god damned hole through your shoulder, and your bone still needs to heal."

"I have to work, Sanji. I can't exactly get a note that says I can't, and I'm not getting fired. It was hard enough for me to even find this job. It's not easy finding work when you don't even have an elementary education. I'm lucky I can read."

Sanji ignores his lamenting for what he thinks is a more important topic. "Chopper can give you one! He's a doctor, Zoro. I know you're horrible with following doctor's orders, you took your sling off right away, but you're never going to heal if you don't let yourself rest." Zoro just rolls his eye at the blonde. He already heard all of this from Chopper. "And you drinking like this is not going to help. How often have you been doing this?"

"What are you, my mother?" After saying it, Zoro realizes he doesn't know if a mother would actually say such things.

"Just answer me, Zoro. How often? Once a week, a couple times a week?" Zoro doesn't answer to either of those assumptions and just looks away. "More? Everyday?"

Zoro just nods and waits for the ramification of his answer.

"Zoro… are you serious? Every day?" Sanji closes his eyes and sighs. "Oh, Zoro. I feel horrible. I really didn't realize what I was doing to you."

Zoro wants to tell him that it's not all because of him, but where would that get him. And he should feel bad. As petty as it is, Zoro doesn't feel like he needs to explain away Sanji's guilt because he hurt him. So he's just going to let him feel badly. Because he is a mature 26 year old man.

He hears Sanji sigh again. "How are you doing with everything else?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I know how after you… would go out for a job, you had to drink a lot. There were a lot of bodies, so I was just wondering how you were dealing with that…" Zoro is realizing that they really haven't talked about the whole event. At all. "I can't help but assume that part of all this drinking has to do with that somehow, given your past with alcohol."

And Sanji would be correct. But not how he thinks. He's not drinking because he killed, he had already dealt with that, and he paid dearly for it the next day. That was probably the most he had ever drank in his life. He was lucky someone had found him. He doesn't even know what he ended up doing that night. But right now its not about what he had done, it's what he might do, what he doesn't want to do.

Well, he wants to do Sanji, but that's different. He may be drinking because of the cook too, but he doesn't make him want to kill. He makes him want to-

"Zoro? Are you listening anymore? I asked how you're doing… and no response. What does that mean?"

"Sorry." He clears his thoughts. Not an appropriate time to be thinking that direction. "Um, yeah. I'm fine, I guess. Just dealing with all of this the best I can. I'm just kind of coming to terms with how messed up I am." He doesn't think he's even scratched the surface with how disturbed he really is, but at least he's aware.

"I won't argue with you on that."

"Hey. Aren't you supposed to reassure me that I'm not crazy?"

"Not after what I've seen, moss-head." Sanji gives him a teasing smile and leans in to kiss him but stops just before he reaches his lips. "Besides there's got to be something wrong with me too if I'm still willing to let you fuck me after all of this."

Zoro's perks up at that. "Oh really?" He quickly closes the small gap between them and moves his lips over the blonde's. He can't get enough of Sanji. It doesn't seem like Sanji can get enough of him either. He can feel Sanji pushing his tongue into his mouth and eagerly accepts it. He pulls Sanji closer to him and with his arms wrapped around the cook, Zoro goes to lift him up to bring him to his bed. Sanji pulls back as soon as he feels Zoro try to pull him off the couch.

"Wait, hang on, don't. You're going to hurt yourself."

Zoro groans loudly. "Sanji, I've been picking up boxes that weigh more than you over my head!" He gives Zoro a look and he knows he's not going to win this. "Fine, just follow me then, you're ruining it. Come on." He pulls on Sanji's hand and walks in the direction of his bedroom.

They reach his bed and Sanji shoves him down and straddles his hips while attacking his mouth again. Zoro never thought he would miss something as much as he had missed fucking the cook. He can't wait to get his clothes off. So he doesn't. He immediately starts pulling at Sanji's shirt until he realizes he's wearing a button down; always with the stupid buttons with him. Why can't he wear a t-shirt, just once? Sanji sits up and unbuttons his shirt for him, it's so much faster if he does it himself, and throws it to the floor. Then he reaches for the hem of Zoro's shirt, he quickly sits up and lets him pull it off of him.

He pulls Sanji closer to him so he can feel him against his skin. He just holds him there for a second before attaching his mouth to his neck as Sanji pushes him back down to lie on the bed.

"Hey, moss ball."

"Hm?"

"You want to try something different?"

"Hm, like what?" Zoro doesn't like all these questions, he doesn't want to have to give up the contact he has with Sanji's neck so he can answer.

"Like you letting me fuck you."

Zoro pulls his head back. Sanji is finally letting him try this. "Really? You're actually going to let me try it?"

"Think of it as an apology, moss-head." Sanji leans down and touches his lips to Zoro's. "And because I know you're going to hurt your shoulder if I let you have your way with me." Then he quickly pushes his tongue into Zoro's mouth so he can't protest. Sneaky bastard. But Zoro isn't going to complain; he had actually really wanted to try this, even if it's just the once.

They shimmy their pants off and Zoro hears the fabric hit the floor. Sanji is rummaging around Zoro's nightstand trying to find the bottle of lubricant and let's out a triumphant noise when he finally finds it. Zoro doesn't even have the mind to make fun of him for it, he can feel Sanji's erection rubbing against his own and that's all he can think about right now. Sanji moves his upper body back over top of Zoro and he pulls him back down into a heated kiss. "Dammit Sanji. I missed you so much."

Sanji laughs into his mouth. "Look at you being all sappy."

"Oh, shut up. Don't get used to it."

"I missed you, too, moss-head." Zoro hears a pop from the bottle opening and feels Sanji's hand reach between his legs. "Alright, this is going to feel kind of weird."

"Do you have to do this part?" Zoro is really impatient right now.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"I don't care, I just want you." And Zoro may have a bit of a pain kink. That may or may not have been why he wanted to try this so badly. "Sanji, just forget this part. Please. I don't want it."

Sanji nods and places his lubed hand on his cock instead of Zoro's entrance. Zoro can feel the blonde press against him. He takes a deep breath, readying himself for it and relaxing his muscles. Sanji presses harder and Zoro can feel him starting to enter him. Damn it does hurt. But it's a good hurt. He grabs Sanji's hips and forces him in all the way in a quick motion and with a moan of pained pleasure.

"Jesus Zoro!" Oh, right, that was probably a lot of stimulation for Sanji. But that felt great for Zoro.

"Sorry."

"You're a masochist bastard, aren't you?" Zoro smiles sheepishly at the blonde. "Good to know." Sanji smiles deviously at Zoro. Zoro has a feeling this is going to be amazing.

Sanji pulls out almost all the way and thrusts back in without pause and with a lot of force. They both let out a cry of pleasure simultaneously.

They have a whole month to make up for, and Sanji is not holding back. Zoro is ecstatic about that. Sanji leans over him and bites at his neck and shoulder, obviously the uninjured one, then moves down to his chest to leave painful marks. Sanji is really indulging Zoro's thing for pain, he should have told him this a while ago.

Sanji adjusts their positioning and replaces his mouth back to Zoro's. Zoro can feel Sanji's stomach rubbing his hardened length and moves his hips up to create more friction. Sanji grabs Zoro's hips and pulls him up and slightly off the bed, and his next thrust blanks out Zoro's mind. He had knows there's a pleasure point for men here, but he had never actually felt it before. His mind comes back and he realizes that he is moaning loudly and Sanji is biting his shoulder almost hard enough to draw blood.

Sanji keeps up his rhythm and manages to stimulate Zoro's prostate on almost every thrust. They are both moaning sweaty messes. Zoro reaches down to grab his cock while Sanji continues pumping himself in and out. Zoro can hardly handle it anymore. "Oh, shit, cook… I don't know how much longer I can…"

"Me neither." Sanji manages to squeeze a few words out between harsh breaths.

Zoro tightens his grip around the head of his already leaking member and feels pleasure rip through his body. He can hear himself moaning in pleasure as he comes. He bucks his hips up into his hand and back into Sanji's hips, unsure of where he wants the stimulation.

Sanji releases a few moments after Zoro, yelling out the green haired man's name in a long moan.

That might have been the best sex he's ever had.

Zoro pulls the other man down for a passionate kiss before his body feels limp and his eye remains closed.

"Are you passing out on me already moss-head?"

"Mm." Zoro always falls asleep after he comes. He can't help it. But before he succumbs to the clutches of sleep, he feels Sanji pull out and climb off of him to cuddle up to his side. He reaches his arm around the blonde and pulls him closer. "Love you, stupid cook." He feels Sanji's smile from where his face is resting on his skin.

"I love you, too, idiot moss."


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Whew, this is my longest chapter so far. In case anyone is wondering, it's not quite over yet! I still have some stuff planned for this story.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.**

Every now and then, Zoro will get information for a big underground fight. He hasn't gone to any since before the organization had found him again and before he met Sanji. But he still gets texts for big events. They must have never taken his number off the list after he stopped showing up.

He used to use the fights as an outlet for curbing the edge of any urges he felt. But he hadn't been going anymore since he had been forced back into the organization, they pretty much took care of that for him. The fights didn't kill the urges all together, but they definitely helped keep him be focused once he blew off some steam and he could ignore them completely for a while.

Zoro had just received a text from the unknown number that he has memorized as the underground fighting league's. There's a big tournament tonight, and whoever wants in can get in on it. He has been having a pretty hard time holding himself together lately, so he thinks maybe he should go. He does miss it. He never gets to fight anyone; even when he was a hit man it was never fighting, just Zoro cutting down unfortunate people who happened to get on some rich bastards bad side. So he makes a decision that tonight he is going to reintroduce himself to the underground world.

He just has to figure out how to do it without tipping off Sanji.

It's not that he doesn't want Sanji to know, he's told the cook before that he's participated in these fights in the past. He just needs an outlet without having to explain himself right now. He needs something for himself.

He knows if he told Sanji then the blonde would insist on coming with. This is something that he needs as his own.

So, when Sanji calls and asks if Zoro wants him to bring by dinner Zoro tells him that he can't tonight, that he has plans with Nami for a movie night. He hates to lie to the cook, he's falling into old habits now, but Zoro just needs this one night to himself. He wants to see if this will work as a replacement for the organization. If it works, then maybe he can bring the cook if it turns into a weekly thing again. Maybe.

Every time he thinks about the organization he feels a tug in the back of his mind trying to pull him back into a dark place. Yeah, this would be great if it works.

The fights always change location making it difficult for Zoro to find every time, but he just leaves earlier than he thinks he should so he isn't too late. Tonight's is across town in a basement of some inconspicuous restaraunt. Whoever hosts the fights gets a cut of whatever is made, so most places don't turn down the opportunity since the cut is usually a decent amount.

Finding the place takes Zoro longer than it really should have. Since he can't ride his bike on account of being blind in one eye now, he really needs to figure out a way to remedy that situation, he has to take the bus. A cab would be too expensive, and though he does have the money it would also be a stupid idea to show someone where he is going for an illegal underground fight even if they don't know that's whats happening.

So the bus it is.

But fuck the bus because there are way too many lines and Zoro keeps getting on the wrong ones.

He eventually figures it out though 10 bus changes later and a few rides around the city. It was the bus he started out on, he's sure of it. He doesn't know why they lied to him every time he got on it. Idiots.

When he walks in he is immediately recognized. He was a big name here after all before he stopped showing up, and the green hair really is a hard thing to forget. He gets a few pats on the back, some shouts of his name (the fake name he used not his real one), and a few glares from those who are most likely others entering the tournament.

Damn he really hasn't had a fight for a while. He hasn't had any practice really besides what happened at the organization. But that was more like a slaughter than a fight. He still gets a slight chill that runs down his spine when he thinks about that. Half out of disgust for himself half for remembering how great it had been. Then he gets an unpleasant taste of bile in his mouth because he throws up a little at remembering that last part.

He really needs this tonight. He just hopes he can stop himself before taking it too far. He's never had a problem with that before though. And it isn't like it has never happened before in one of these fights, they do get pretty heated and people do die here. It's more of a personal preference than anything, not to mention he would most likely be banned if he did that every time. So holding back is always his aim. He just hopes he can tonight; he hasn't felt quite the same after the whole organization thing.

After he signs in to get matched up he waits off in the corner of the basement. No one bothers him, they're all mostly afraid of him anyways especially if they aren't fighters. These people have good instincts, they know he's dangerous. He waits in his spot watching the other fights until his name is called. Then he slowly makes his way over to the ring in the center of the room and hangs his shirt over the partition dividing ring and audience. He debated whether or not to bring his swords with him this time. He doesn't always bring them for these fights, sometimes it's more rewarding to just beat on someone with his fists. And there's less of a chance he'll kill someone. So judging by how he's feeling he may forgo them. Tonight was one of those nights that he thought it would be better to not have three very sharp very deadly weapons.

He gets a few disappointed shouts from the crowd when he enters the ring without the swords, he's known for them obviously who else would have three swords, but he's not here to put on a show so he ignores the disappointed spectators. He looks to his opponent, he's about Zoro's height. Maybe a little shorter, and scrawnier. Not that he's skinny, he just isn't as well built as Zoro is. They stare at each other for a moment until the announcer gives the signal for the match to start.

With the first punch Zoro lands, he can feel some of the tension he has fade away. The more his fists make contact with the other man's skin, the better he feels. This is only his first match though, so he tries not to get carried away. He doesn't want to get too tired yet, it is a tournament after all. Once Zoro knocks out his first opponent, he pulls himself back together and shoves his hands in his pockets to keep himself from doing further damage to the other man. He won his first match, if he keeps that up he has a few more to go including the final.

He cracks his knuckles in anticipation for that much violence in one night. This was a great idea.

The next two matches go much like the first, Zoro wins after exchanging punches and dodging weapons though these opponents took much more effort than the first. Zoro can feel blood running down the left side of his face, but lucky for him it isn't disturbing his vision any so he doesn't bother wiping it off. That's the first positive he's found to his new disability. He can also feel bruises starting to form on various parts of his body, mostly his ribs and cheekbone. He's going to have to figure out a way to explain that away, but that's a problem for tomorrow. Right now he has one last fight. He focuses all of his thoughts on that. He clears his mind of everything else besides releasing his pent up energy that wants to be alleviated in a more gruesome situation. This is as close as he's letting himself get to that and it will have to do.

He is called into the ring for the final fight. He hears the crowd yelling for him, if he wins this he will probably get a nice pay out, and takes a stance before his new opponent. He looks vaguely familiar; Zoro has probably fought him in the past. Zoro can feel the energy rolling off the both of them in anticipation for the signal to start. Once it's heard they are on each other in a flash.

Zoro feels a fist hit a tender spot on his ribs that has been repeatedly aimed for, he must have an open spot on his right side, and counters with a fist to the guy's gut. They beat on each other for what feels like an hour. Zoro can feel the gunshot wound in his shoulder getting really aggravated. Neither of them is backing down, Zoro because he is taking every opportunity he has to hit something without consequence, and the other guy most likely just wants the money. And bragging rights for beating Zoro.

Zoro gets knocked to his back by a particularly surprising sweep to his legs and the other guy is on top of him with his arm pulled back for what he presumes is his final blow.

Jokes on him though, because Zoro flips them over and repeats the action that was about to be his own fate and lands a punch square on the guy's nose and knocking the back of his head hard against the concrete floor. Damn, that felt good. He pulls his arm back again and aims for a different part of the face. And again. And again. He doesn't even know how many times he hit him.

He pulls his arm back for another punch but he feels someone grab him and yank him backwards off the guy.

"Hey man, you beat him, no need to piss on the guy's pride by disfiguring him too."

Zoro is breathing hard. He pulls his arm out of the grasp he was held in and stands. He closes his eyes and reins in his subconscious. He needs to focus, to control. He let himself get a little carried away there. He takes a deep breath and looks around to a silent crowd then swiftly moves out of the ring grabbing his shirt as he goes. He feels a hand on his shoulder and whips around to see the main bookie for the fights.

"Hey greenie, you can't leave without your prize. Come with me then you can get the hell out of here. That was quite the fight. We missed having you around. Next time maybe tone it back a bit though once you've won, huh?"

Zoro just grunts his response. He's still a little out of breath.

"You going be coming around more often? There's always a bigger pot whenever you show up."

Zoro thinks about that for a moment. Is he going to keep coming? Maybe. Depends on how the urges play out from here. He wipes his face off on his arm, clearing it of sweat and blood. "Might stop by every now and then."

He is brought over to an area of the basement that was set up for sign ups and bet placements and given his prize money. Zoro nods in thanks to the man and ducks his way out of the makeshift arena ignoring anyone calling to him or staring at him in fear from his outburst at the end of the match. He hopes the guy's face is ok. He definitely broke his nose.

Thankfully, Zoro wore a dark shirt tonight and is able to wipe off most of the blood on his face on it for the bus ride home. He really wishes he could have driven himself, he's pretty bloody. At least it's dark out though, so he's only noticeably bloodied in the lights on the bus. He takes a seat in the back and hopes the buses didn't switch their numbers on him again. He just wants to get home he's exhausted.

-:-

Sanji stayed late at All Blue tonight due to lack of anything better to do. Zoro had said he was busy for the night and he didn't really feel like seeking out anyone else so late in the day and be told the same thing. So he busied his mind with menu changes, taking stock, and any financial necessities he had fallen behind on for the week.

He's currently standing outside for a quick smoke break when he looks at the time on his phone; it's past midnight already. He really got lost in what he was doing. He hadn't realized how late it was. He yawns between drags off his cigarette and decides he should call it quits for the night.

He wonders if Zoro is still with Nami and whether or not he can crash at his place for the night. It's so much closer and he wouldn't disturb them, just slip past and pass out on Zoro's bed.

Yeah, he can do that. The moss-head wouldn't mind. He's done similar things in the past.

He tosses the end of his cigarette in the bottle he keeps outside for such occasions and gathers his things from inside and locks everything up for the rest of the night.

After the brief walk from All Blue to Zoro's shitty little apartment, Sanji pulls out his keys and opens Zoro's door. Zoro had given him a key since the man is late most of the time when they plan to meet here or he sleeps through Sanji's knocking. So Sanji doesn't bother knocking most of the time anymore.

To Sanji's surprise neither Nami nor Zoro are here. The lights are all off and it's quiet. Maybe the moss-head is already sleeping or they were at Nami's. He goes to the bedroom and resolves to flop on the mattress regardless of where the moss idiot is.

He was right, Zoro is in bed. He accidentally flopped right on top of him and elicited a loud pained cry from falling on the man and presumably elbowing him in the ribs.

"Fuck!" Sanji moved off him only to see Zoro clutching his right side and folding in on himself.

"Sorry, didn't realize you were right there."

Zoro's voice is tight with pain. "Shit. It's alright. What are you doing here anyways?"

"Stayed late at the restaurant and your place was closer, and now that I have a key I thought I may as well use it." Zoro grunts in recognition that he heard what he said. He still seems like he's in a lot of pain. "Did I really hit you that hard?"

Zoro breathes in and out deeply before responding. "Nah, you just hit a sensitive spot."

Since when was that sensitive? Sanji's hit him in that area plenty of times and he's never had that reaction before. "Did you hurt yourself? That's never bothered you before."

"Yeah."

Zoro is probably the least insightful human on the planet. Sanji decides to not try and pry what happened out of him, at this rate it would probably take forever. So instead he leans in and kisses Zoro in apology. Which gets him much of the same reaction when he had hit him in the ribs. "What now?"

He hears a sigh from Zoro before he gets an answer. "Split my lip."

"What? How did you hurt yourself so much? Weren't you sitting on the couch all night?" Zoro doesn't respond. "Did you and Nami get in a fight or something? Because if you hurt Nami…"

"No, we didn't. She's fine, I wouldn't do that."

"Well then what happened?" Zoro remains silent again. Sanji reaches out to touch Zoro's face to turn his head so that he was looking at him but pulls it away when he feels something wet. He looks at his hand and sees a dark stain on his fingertips. "Are you bleeding?"

"Shit." In the dark room, Sanji can see Zoro wiping a hand over his face and looking at it after pulling it away. He makes a sound that is reminiscent of a growl and gets off the bed and heads to the bathroom to wash his hand and probably his face. Why is he bleeding? Sanji follows him, if not to see what his moss's face looks like then to wash his own hand off.

He walks up behind Zoro and sees his face in the mirror. He has a split lip, a cut over his left eye that is bleeding slightly down the rest of his face along with a black eye on his right side. He looks at the rest of his body, he isn't wearing a shirt, and he has a large bruise on his right side and a few others across his body that look like they're staring to form. What the hell happened to him?

"Zoro, what the fuck-"

"I'm fine, don't worry about it." He tries to push Sanji away when he moves closer to inspect his wounds.

"You're bleeding! You're not fine. What happened to you?"

Zoro takes a deep breath and looks to the sink like it holds all of the answers to Sanji's questions. He stays like that for a while before responding.

Zoro keeps his head low and doesn't look at Sanji as he speaks. "I feel really bad about this. I shouldn't have said what I did."

"What do you mean?" Sanji interjects when Zoro doesn't supply an explanation

"You weren't supposed to be here."

"Zoro, what are you-"

"I lied to you. I feel horrible, but I fucking lied to you." Zoro is refusing to make any kind of eye contact at all.

"What?" Sanji doesn't understand. Did Zoro actually get into a fight with Nami? "Zoro, I'm not fucking around, if you hurt Nami I'm-"

"I didn't touch Nami. She's fine, she hasn't been here." Zoro responds in a course tone.

"She hasn't been here? But you said-"

"I know what I said! And I also said I lied to you." Sanji looks at Zoro in the mirror. He has a wet towel that he's been trying to use to wipe his face off with, but he's now holding it in his left hand half way to his face. He looks at Sanji in the eye through the mirror with a stern expression.

"What do you mean?"

Zoro takes another deep breath before he speaks. "I wasn't with Nami."

Sanji's mind reels in confusion. He wasn't with Nami? So where was he? And he still hasn't answered why he's bleeding so much. Sanji can't think of much else to say other than: "What?"

Zoro closes his eye and sighs. He moves to bite his lip but stops when he realizes that it hurts from the split. The split that Sanj is still confused about. "Zoro, what happened?" Sanji is almost more concerned about why Zoro is hurt than why he lied to him. He looks like he's been beaten.

"I wasn't with Nami."

That doesn't explain what happened. "Ok, but why are you bleeding so much?" Zoro had began to wipe the towel he had across his face again and stopped at a spot above his left eye to stop the source of the blood.

Sanji isn't happy that Zoro had lied, but he admitted it at least, so that's something he can eventually get over, but why did he lie? And where the fuck had he been?

"Got in a few fights."

A few fights? Not just a fight, but a few? What has he been doing? "A few?"

Zoro looks to the ground and makes to move out off the bathroom, but Sanji stops him by putting a hand to his shoulder. A light hand as this is the previously injured shoulder and Zoro flinches slightly at the contact to the tender area. "Zoro, what happened to you?"

Sanji had thought Zoro's lying would have ended when he ended the organization. Or at least he assumed he had ended it. But he's doing it again. What is he doing that he can't tell Sanji? Had their make up a few weeks ago not meant anything in the way of this? Did Zoro not take that to mean that they would talk to each other about their problems? If Zoro is going out and picking fights because he had pent up anger or because he doesn't feel like he can let his feelings out otherwise with Sanji then they have a long way to go.

Sanji receives no answer from Zoro about where he's been, just more silence and guilty staring at the floor.

Zoro finally speaks. "Look, it's not like this is something new. Just something that I haven't done for a while. It just felt weird to tell you about. It's something I needed to do by myself."

Sanji is still not understanding, what is it he's been doing? He gives Zoro a look of confusion. And waits for an answer.

"I've told you I do this. I've just never done it while I've been with you." Zoro pauses for a bit and Sanji tries to think of what Zoro has told him, what Zoro has done previously that he hadn't done for a while, but he comes up blank. He sees Zoro glance over at him warily. "I have told you I used to do underground fighting right? I know I must have… I told you about the organization, that's how they found me in the first place."

Sanji thinks back. Yes, Zoro had told him about that. Is that where he's been? If he's told him about that before then why didn't he tell him? "Yeah… you told me before. So you weren't with Nami… Why did you lie about that then?"

Zoro looks over to Sanji with a guilty expression. He definitely feels bad about this. Zoro is so used to keeping secrets and not letting anyone in that lying is probably just something he is used to having to do. But he feels bad about lying to Sanji, he can see that. Sanji decides he isn't going to be too angry about this, Zoro is still trying to learn how to let people in. He has had a lifetime of being wary of others, so even though Zoro trusts him it is still going to be hard for him to let him in on something that he has done before he met him. At least, that's what Sanji assumes.

Zoro doesn't give him an answer. "If it's something I already knew, then why did you have to lie about it?"

Zoro looks really uncomfortable and has the most awkward guilty expression he's ever seen on him. Sanji doesn't understand why Zoro isn't comfortable enough with him. What does he have to do to get Zoro to open up more to him? He's been wondering that since he first starting dating him. He understands that Zoro is someone that you have to earn the trust of, that he won't just tell anyone anything. But Sanji had definitely earned his trust. At least he thought he had. But he won't even tell Sanji when he goes to a stupid fight. "Why is going to a fight something you have to hide from me? I probably would have gone and watched. Shit, I might have even entered myself."

"That's exactly why I didn't tell you!" Zoro snapped back at him. That was unexpected.

"Why would that deter you from telling me? I would only be supporting you. It's not like I would be stopping you from doing it." Sanji isn't understanding Zoro's logic, but Zoro logic is never easy to understand anyways so he waits for an answer that might help him understand.

"It's just something I needed to do alone." He shrugs slightly and puts his arms around himself gently and starts to move back to his room.

"You still could have told me." Sanji is tired of Zoro not telling him what's going on. Every time they don't talk about something, their relationship suffers. Sanji has been at fault before, and he has definitely admitted that and done what he could to remedy it. But Zoro is still trying to keep things from him.

Zoro stops on his short walk to the bed. "I know… I just… You would have come with, and I didn't want that. It was something I just needed to do alone. And I didn't want you there to see me if I lost control." Zoro looks awkward after he says the last part of his admission. Sanji thinks back to why they had their riff before, how Sanji had realized that Zoro had actually enjoyed the kill and how that scared Sanji. Was Zoro afraid that he might kill someone while he was at a fight? Well, maybe if Sanji goes with then he could keep him from feeling that way.

"What if I was there to keep that from-"

"No." Zoro interrupts Sanji with a firm negation. "No. I just needed to go to stop… I just needed to go. I didn't want you there. So I didn't tell you." Zoro keep his gaze on the floor, then continues his path to the bed. "I'm going to bed."

Zoro gets himself into bed and under the covers. But Sanji waits a few minutes in the bathroom before he joins him. If he could tell him about it now, then why lie about it? Was he planning on lying later?

Sanji gets into bed, but stays on his own side of the bed. He doesn't want to hurt Zoro anymore since he's clearly already hurt the man a few times and he's covered in sore spots. And because he's a little confused about why he feels the need to lie.

Zoro doesn't say anything else on the topic and begins snoring not long after he had gotten into bed. Sanji figures it's a lost argument. It had already happened, there's nothing he can do to about Zoro going to a fight without him, and he clearly isn't going to change Zoro's mind on the topic.

Sanji has a hard time falling asleep, eventually he does. But only after thinking about how his relationship with Zoro is not as solid as he had thought it had been.

-:-

Sanji wakes up to Zoro clinging to him. He smiles to himself as he looks down at the man wrapped around him. Sanji can't get him off though, and he really needs to get up and head back over to the restaurant. He starts to shake the other man and calls his name until he wakes up. But instead of letting go, Zoro groans at the thought of being awake and pulls Sanji closer to him, if that's even possible.

"Let go of me you shitty moss creature."

"No."

"Zoro, I have to get up."

Zoro just shakes his head 'no' into Sanji's chest. Sanji is about to tell Zoro that he really has to get up when Zoro speaks again. "I'm sorry."

"What for? Holding me hostage?"

"No. For last night." Oh. "I shouldn't have lied to you. I'm just really fucked up, and I thought maybe it would help."

Sanji has stopped struggling to get out of Zoro's grip. "It's alright." He pauses momentarily and thinks over what Zoro had just said to him and then speaks quietly. "Did it help?"

"Hm? What?" Zoro pulls his face away from Sanji slightly.

"Did those fights last night help whatever it was you went there for?"

Zoro is quiet for a few moments. "I don't know." Then he buries his face back into Sanji's chest.

Sanji can see that something is really bothering Zoro. He doesn't necessarily need Zoro to tell him what it is if he isn't comfortable with that, though. So he decides to not ask about what exactly last night was supposed to help with. Sanji has noticed that Zoro has been acting a little differently lately and while he doesn't want to ask too deeply about a personal matter, he does want to make sure Zoro's mental state isn't suffering too badly. Sanji lets Zoro just hold onto him for a while longer before speaking again. "Are you ok?" It feels like Sanji has been asking Zoro this question since they first met. The green haired man doesn't respond. "Hey, Zoro, maybe you should talk to someone about whatever this is. I don't mean me, I mean like someone who knows what they're doing. That might help you."

Sanji can hear Zoro breath deeply and then shake his head. "I don't know if I want to do that."

"Why not?" Sanji knows Zoro isn't comfortable talking about what he's feeling, but it could really benefit him.

"I don't want to know what they'll say." Zoro is afraid. He's afraid of what could be wrong with him. Zoro just admitted a weakness to him. Something he rarely if ever does. This feels like a big moment for Zoro. He's probably never thought about admitting anything like that to someone. Sanji wrenches his arms out from Zoro's hold and wraps them around the other man and kisses the top of his head. He doesn't even know what to say to that. So he does what he can to comfort him physically.

"Hey, Sanji?" It had been really quiet between the two of them and Sanji nearly jumped when he heard Zoro's voice.

"Yeah?"

"Could you stay with me today?" Sanji really should go in to the restaurant, but he did get a lot done last night and he can afford a day off.

"Do you need me to?"

Instead of a verbal response, Zoro nods his head into Sanji's chest and tightens his grip on him.

"Ok, I can stay. Let me grab my phone so I can let them know I'm not coming in." Sanji tries to get away from Zoro so he can locate his phone, but Zoro is not having it. "Zoro, let me go."

"No." Sanji can practically hear the pout that Zoro most likely is making in his voice. Sanji rolls his eyes at his moss-covered idiot. "They'll figure it out. Stay."

Sanji snorts a laugh out at Zoro's actions. "I can't believe Zoro Roronoa, the man that beat the shit out of people last night and used to kill people for a god damn living, is pouting at me to stay in bed to cuddle. What would people say if they found out?"

"No one would ever believe you if you told them." He can feel a smile on Zoro's face against his skin. Good. Sanji wants to get Zoro out of his little funk.

Sanji has a great idea. What if he doesn't tell them? He can most definitely show them instead. Sanji spots his phone on the bedside table and reaches his arm out to grab it. He had wriggled out of Zoro's hold just enough earlier to be able to reach it. Sanji can feel an evil smile spread across his face as he holds his phone out far enough to snap a picture of the two of them in bed, with Zoro protectively wrapped around the blonde. His phone unfortunately makes a camera shutter sound and alerts Zoro that Sanji had just done something he should be aware of.

"What did you just do?" Zoro had whipped his head up and looks at the phone in Sanji's hand.

"Proof." Sanji says it with an evil grin.

Zoro looks to Sanji with eyes widened in slight embarrassment as he realizes what Sanji had just done. He reaches out to grab Sanji's phone from him but Sanji was ready for it. As Zoro struggles to get the phone from him, Sanji is busy trying to post the photo to a popular social media site for everyone to see. It's really difficult when there's a large moss ball climbing all over him.

"Dammit Sanji!" Zoro finally is able to grab the phone away from the blonde, but not before Sanji had successfully uploaded the picture. Sanji can see Zoro reading the embarrassing caption Sanji had made to go along with the picture with disapproval written all over his face. Sanji quickly snatches his phone back so the moss head can't delete the picture.

He tosses the phone back on the nightstand and pulls Zoro in for a kiss. Which he immediately regrets because he forgot the moss head had a split lip and he growls in discomfort. Zoro moves back in for another kiss though, one without so much force so as not to bother his lip too much. "I guess I won't kill you for that picture. It is kind of cute…" Zoro's face flushes pink in embarrassment.

"Even though everyone knows how cuddly and cute you are now? It's quite the opposite image of mass murderer we all came to love."

"Oh, shut up, curly." Zoro shoves Sanji away. "Maybe I don't want you to stay here all day."

"I'm sorry. Come back over here. If I'm taking the day off to spend with a moody moss, then you might as well get all the cuddling in that you can. I know you love it." Sanji holds his arms out as an invitation for Zoro who pouts at him but snuggles up all the same.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Some Zoro back story and nakama-ship fluff at the end.**

Zoro and Sanji stay in bed for nearly the entire day, mostly because Zoro refuses to let the cook up for anything. Sanji does force Zoro to let him up so he can feed them though, even if Zoro says he would rather starve than let the cook out of his reach. Sanji keeps telling him he is being so stupidly affectionate that it is almost embarrassing, and that he never would have expected anything near what has happened today from Zoro. And Zoro promptly told him if he let anyone know about it then he wouldn't hesitate to run him through with his swords.

Jokingly of course, Zoro is trying to refrain from actual murder these days.

Zoro just woke up from one of his many naps of the day, his head on the cook's chest. He looks up at Sanji and gently kisses his neck.

"Oh, you're awake again. I can't get over how much you can sleep."

"I've had an exhausting life, I'm allowed to nap it off."

Sanji is momentarily quiet before responding. "Yeah, you really have haven't you?" Zoro didn't mean for his offhanded comment to be such a serious admission, but truthfully his life has been exhausting. "You've never really told me much about it. About when you were younger."

"Because there isn't much to tell. I just kind of existed. I lived day-to-day, hoped I could find something to eat. That's pretty much what my life was. I don't really like talking about it much."

"That's too bad you couldn't have grown up here. Zeff would never have let you go hungry. He would have made it his personal mission to get you something to eat everyday even if he had to force it down your throat. We lived a lot like that at one point. He lost his leg from an injury that turned bad, and we didn't have enough to cover costs for that and live comfortably. Anything we had left over he made sure to use to get me food. He would rather have starved and given me anything he could find than watch me suffer through the worst of it."

"You're lucky to have had someone care you about like that."

"Do you remember your parents at all?"

"No. I was either too young to remember, or I didn't want to so I forced myself to forget. I don't know which."

"So you don't remember what happened? Why you were alone?"

Zoro shook his head. He's spent countless time trying to figure out why he didn't have a family. Did no one want him? Did something happen to them? Did something happen to him? He has no idea. "I guess it's the same as with my parents; I was either too young to remember or I didn't want to."

"How old were you when you started living on your own?"

Zoro pauses to think. Then shakes his head. "I don't know, everything from back then just kind of runs together. I can't remember when it happened."

"How did no one see you and try to help you? You were just child." Sanji's voice sounds incredulous.

Zoro snorts a humorless laugh. "They did. I just didn't want their help. I didn't trust anyone, I was afraid of people, I didn't really know how interact. I'm sure even now that's obvious; I still have a hard time with that."

"You're getting better. I remember the first time we met you couldn't even speak. Now look at you."

"Oh, fuck you. I was having a weird day."

"So you didn't even have any weird homeless friends to help you out?"

"No, no one wanted to be responsible for a kid. And if I did meet anyone, they didn't stick around long enough for me to form any connection with them. When I got older, I kind of scared everyone else away anyways; I was too used to being alone that if I tired to interact I probably didn't do it properly, I had a lot of people tell me I was terrifying even before I even started to killing people. I never had friends, or family of any kind. Well, not until now. You're the first person that's made me feel normal, like I really have something to live for now. Like I'm not just existing anymore." Zoro pauses to nuzzle into Sanji's neck in a physical thank you. He is so thankful for having the cook as a part of his life. "And I never have to worry about food, you always have something for me. You've really changed my life, Sanji. I don't think you understand how much you've done for me."

"Zoro… I had no idea you had felt like that before."

"Well, when you have nothing you feel like nothing. I didn't really feel anything, ever. I had no reason to. It was either feel nothing or feel sorry for myself, which I wasn't and I didn't even know why I would be. That's partly why I joined the organization besides just the money. They gave me something to do, some way to feel useful, something to feel. Before I met you, any of you guys, I wanted so badly just to feel something, anything. I didn't care what it was, I just… I was so sick of feeling… empty. And when the organization came to me, they offered me something to feel, I got to be a part of something. I realized that when I watched the life drain out of someone that it made me feel alive; for the first time ever I felt like I was actually alive. It was like I had it better than the person I had just killed, I was still living. I finally had something that someone else didn't. It gave me a rush; it was the first strong emotional reaction I had ever had to anything. I couldn't get enough of that feeling. It became like an addiction." Zoro ceases speaking for a few breaths to remember how he felt when he first had this realization. "I couldn't stop, I looked forward to every call I'd get. It ended up being too much, too much feeling. I didn't know how to process the emotions, and I didn't really know what I was feeling; I was just enjoying feeling something and I associated that with killing. It scared me. I realized I was losing myself, what little self I had, and I had to stop. So I left."

Zoro feels Sanji run his fingers through his green hair in thought.

"But then I met you." Zoro can feel a smile tug at the corners of his mouth. "You gave me something else to feel. Something real. I mean, I've felt things with my friends, but not like with you. You make me really feel. You give me something to live for that's tangible, not a fleeting feeling. Whenever you're around, I feel… normal."

"That's why you wanted me to stay. You've been losing yourself again. I can see it; you've seemed off. You're in your head more. What's going on in there lately?" The cook taps Zoro's forehead.

Zoro may have just poured his entire life out to Sanji, but he can't let anything else out. Not right now. "I'm not comfortable talking about it. Not now. I don't know if I ever will be." The dark thoughts that have been plaguing his mind lately are bound to scare anyone, especially since they scare him. It's not something he wants to reveal. It's too much for someone else, the feeling of wanting to kill. Not wanting to chase a feeling, but actually wanting the kill. He pulls Sanji closer in attempt to disperse any dark fingers caressing the back of his mind. "I wish I could have met you earlier. It would have saved me so much trouble." Zoro reaches up and pushes the hair out of Sanji's face. He doesn't get too many chances to really look at both of the cook's eyes at once. He smiles and feels laughter begin to bubble up in his chest. "You know, your eyebrows really are stupid."

"Look who is talking, asshole. You have a fucking field on your head. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if I found plant food in your bathroom. You're like a god damn chia pet." Sanji shoves Zoro off of him and fixes his hair back over his eye.

"At least I don't have a fucking target on my face."

"At least I don't have moss encroaching on my brain."

"Oh you're calling me dumb now?"

"Have you ever had the green checked out? I would have been worried when I started growing mold."

"I really fucking hate you!" Zoro pushes his hand into the blonde's face, and the cook retaliates by flipping Zoro over with his powerful legs. Zoro and Sanji start wrestling on the bed until they both fall off and hit the floor with a thud, the blonde falling on top of the other man. Zoro grabs Sanji's hands and holds them behind his back while wrapping his legs around the cook's. Sanji is lying flush on top of Zoro and has no leverage to get away.

"God dammit! What the fuck, moss brain!" Zoro laughs because he thinks he's won. But Sanji is resourceful, and uses the only weapon he has left: his mouth. He proceeds to bite Zoro's shoulder hard to make him let go.

But Sanji had forgotten that biting turns Zoro on. So instead of letting go, he only holds on tighter and moves his head to the side so Sanji has more skin to latch on to. Zoro lets out a low groan of pleasure and leans his head into Sanji's shoulder.

"You're ridiculous, Zoro. I can't even fight you without you getting hard."

"What, and you don't?" Zoro turns his head to lick a stripe up the blonde's neck and lifts his hips to grind into Sanji.

"Well, maybe if you fight like that." Sanji turns to face Zoro and is just about to press their lips together when Zoro hears a phone ringing in the distance and Sanji starts struggling to get out of his hold. "Zoro let go, I need to get that."

"Cook… Seriously? Right now?"

"Yes, it could be the restaurant. I do own a business of incompetent idiots, and I have to actually work from time to time." Zoro sighs and releases the cook. He stays on the floor while Sanji grabs his phone off the bedside table on the opposite side of the bed. He makes a hm sound at his phone before answering. "It's Luffy. Hello?"

Zoro tunes out the one sided conversation. Luffy just cock blocked him and he isn't even here. He groans in frustration and adjusts himself in his pants; he'd gotten hard from Sanji's rough play. He leaves his hand where it is and idly circles his thumb around the head of his dick moping about what he could be doing right now.

Sanji pops his head over the edge of the bed and looks down at him. "Zoro, get your hand out of your pants, were leaving."

"Where are we going?"

"Luffy and Ace's, they're having everyone over for dinner. Come on."

"I can't go anywhere like this!" Zoro motions his free hand to his cock and glares at Sanji. "This is your fault."

"We don't have time for that, I have to go pick up ingredients on the way over. If you're that upset about it go rub one out in the bathroom real quick. But we have to leave soon."

"I don't want to do it myself if my fucking boyfriend is here!" Zoro said that a lot whinier than he had intended.

"Then don't, but I'm not doing it either. We have shit to do, moss head. Get up and lets go or make a pit stop in the bathroom before we leave."

"I hate you." Zoro pulls his hand out of his pants and gets off the floor. He chooses to bypass the bathroom; it's too weird to do that when the cook is here. He finds something clean to throw on and wills his erection away with anything he can think of. The thought of having to go food shopping with the pickiest food shopper does the trick pretty quickly. He grumbles to himself as he follows Sanji out the door. The two men head downstairs and into the blonde's car.

-:-

The shopping took excruciatingly long, as Zoro had predicted. He wanted to stay in the car and nap, but the cook forbade it. He said he needed Zoro to lift the heavy stuff back to the car. Why he couldn't use a cart was beyond Zoro.

After picking out the perfect everything, it all looked the same to Zoro, they finally headed out to the car. Zoro was stuck carrying the ridiculous amounts of meat that it takes to feed the household they're headed to. He supposes it might have been a good idea for him to come in then since the blonde did decide to use a cart to bring the rest of the food out and it is absolutely full. It's hard being friends with Luffy sometimes…

They finally arrive at Ace and Luffy's, and Zoro can finally relax again after bringing up all of the bags of uncooked food to the kitchen for Sanji. And oh fuck yes, Ace bought an outrageous amount of alcohol. Zoro grabs a bottle for himself, they have plenty for everyone else so he might as well, and heads to the living room. He can see Nami walking over to him to berate him about his alcohol consumption, but he already has the top off and is pouring the delicious liquid down his throat. Sanji had been limiting him lately after he found out he had been borderline alcoholic after the whole organization thing happened. But instead of pulling the bottle away from him like he had expected, Nami just sat down next to him and threw an arm around his shoulder in a side hug. Zoro narrows his remaining eye at her.

"What do you want woman?"

"Why do I have to want something to say hi to my best friend?"

He's not buying it. She has no reason to be so nice. They may be really close, but unless Zoro is explicitly in need of something this doesn't really happen. He's about to tell her just that when she grabs his face and turns it towards her and runs a hand over his eye scar. "I knew you wanted something…"

"What, I haven't gotten to really look at it yet! Everyone else has. It's so much deeper than I thought it would be…"

"Yeah, well, it did split my eyelid in two."

"It's looking good though. You look all fierce now."

"I had children running away from me before this happened, now I have grown ass men keeping hands on their wallets when I walk by. I don't know if fierce is the right word."

"So you really can't open it?"

"Not unless I do it manually…" He regrets telling her this because she proceeds to stick a finger on his eyelid and push it up. At that exact second Usopp plops on the seat next to him.

"Hey, Zoro, I-"

"FUCK!"

"I'm sorry, Zoro! Oh my god, are you ok?"

Zoro can't see on his left side at all. So he did not see Usopp. He got a little startled when he heard his voice so close and jumped while Nami had her finger IN HIS EYE. Zoro is folded over slightly holding a hand to his face while Nami tries to pull it off to see if he's hurt.

"That still hurts you?"

"I still have a goddamn eye, Usopp! I just can't open it. Shit, Usopp, do not sneak up on me like that when someone has their hand on my eye."

"I didn't know anyone _could_ sneak up on you." Usopp looks to him incredulously.

"Yeah, well, I'm still getting used to being BLIND on one side, so it's not that difficult now."

Zoro can see Usopp slowly shrink in on himself from Zoro's yelling. "S-sorry Z-zoro. I d-didn't mean to-"

Fuck now Usopp probably thinks he's going to hurt him. Zoro never was convinced Usopp wasn't afraid of him after finding out he's actually killed people. He would never hurt him, but he isn't so sure Usopp is aware of that. "I know, Usopp. I'm sorry, I was just a little… startled." He does all he can to soften his expression and smile slightly at the poor guy. "I'm not mad. And how many times do I have to tell you I'm not going to hurt you?"

"I know you wont, you just get that look sometimes and I'm not always sure…"

"Oh, please, the most Zoro would do is cuddle you to death." Sanji makes his entrance with a tray of h'ordeuvres for everyone. Just in time, shitty cook.

"OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT THAT PICTURE SANJI." Luffy makes a beeline straight towards Zoro and jumps on top of him. Luckily Zoro had moved his bottle out of the way before he spilled any. "Zoro, I had no idea you liked to cuddle, I would have done this to you so much more often!"

Zoro is drowned in Luffy's laughter and arms circled around him as far as possible while giving Sanji his most lethal death glare. "I take back my promise not to kill you for that." Sanji just smiles as he pulls out a cigarette and moves back into the kitchen. Bastard.

"Oh, but Zoro, you were so cute! I just want to squish your face like the big softie you are." Ace had followed Luffy over and proceeds to, as he had said, squish his face. This is the worst day of Zoro's life.

"GET OFF OF ME!" Damn Luffy for being stronger than he looks because he is holding Zoro down while Usopp and Chopper join him and Ace in the dog pile that is burying Zoro. He catches sight of Nami hopping up off the couch to avoid being pulled in and grabbing his alcohol. That bitch better not drink any of that.

The door opens and Zoro hears the boisterous laughter of Franky and Brook. Oh no. "You guys look like you're having a super time! Look out, we're coming in!"

Zoro continues to struggle, but once he feels the added weight of Franky and Brook on top of him, he knows it's a lost cause.

"Oh, my. Zoro are you alright under there?"

"Help me, Robin."

"Well, as long as you can still speak, I think things are going fine. Have fun boys."

Once everyone is either on top of him or ignoring his cries for help he loses all fight in him and sulks underneath his traitorous friends.

Thankfully, by some stroke of luck, Sanji either decided to have mercy on him or he had the best timing ever, if you don't count what he did to him earlier, because the blonde's announcement of food being ready had everyone running for the table.

Zoro lays on the couch finally able to properly breath again for a few moments.

"Zoro, you better get over here or all the food is going to be gone!"

"Don't tell him that, maybe he won't come get his share and we can have it!"

"I'd hurry it up, bro."

He picks himself up off the couch and takes his place at the table, fighting for his food as only someone who has been friends with Luffy and Ace for as long as he has is able to while taking swigs from his bottle that Nami had so kindly placed at his spot for him.

Sanji walks by with plates for the girls in hand, he always prepares them in the kitchen and brings them out separately so no one grabs from them. As he passes Zoro he bends down and plants a kiss on his cheek. "Sorry, mossy, payback for letting them in on what goes on in the bedroom."

"Was that not the same thing you just did?!"

"Well, now we're even." He kisses Zoro on the mouth this time as Zoro growls. Sanji laughs as he places the plates down for Nami and Robin. Stupid shitty cook and his stupid swirly eyebrows. The kisses produce a chorus of 'awws' from those who aren't too busy stuffing their mouths to notice.

After a few rounds of dinner, and another bottle for Zoro, they all scatter around the living room and put a movie on. Sanji seemed to have had enough of torturing him because when Luffy tried to lie on top of Zoro, he shoved him off and claimed his space. Zoro is really glad everyone knows about their relationship now because, as much as he denies is, he really does like to be as close to the cook as he can. He wraps his arms around Sanji and settles in for the movie with his head tipped against blonde.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Yo, this got super angst-y. I'm not sure if this story will stop being angst filled from here on out. What I have planned right now isn't allowing for much fluff if any, just a heads up! But, there's a surprise at the end, so get ready for some action next chapter.**

Zoro has been having a tough time controlling. The want to kill has been harder to suppress. He knows it's mostly because he knows he can't.

He and the cook have been sitting on Zoro's bed; the cook is going over a menu for the weekend, Zoro more or less just staring at the ceiling trying to get a hold of his thoughts. He's really getting scared for himself and others around him. He isn't sure how much control he really has over himself.

He glances over at the cook. He's completely oblivious to Zoro's inner turmoil. Holding a notebook and a pen, scratching out something that he deemed inappropriate for the palate he was creating.

How does everyone do it? How are people so normal? Zoro doesn't understand.

The more he dwells on his inability to control himself, the worse it gets. He can feel the suffocating thoughts snuff out any form of control he's had. He needs a kill. He needs it now.

His eyes shift over to where the blonde is sitting again, completely unaware of the shift in Zoro's head. Sanji places his notes and pen on the table next to the bed and rubs a hand over his eyes.

Zoro lunges towards him, using his lower body to hold the cook still while wrapping his hand around Sanji's throat. He tightens his grip as the blonde opens his mouth for a breath but getting no air. He claws at Zoro's arm trying to get him to let go, he starts thrashing underneath the larger man but there's no way Zoro is letting go. He's finally getting his kill. He stares into Sanji's eyes as he keeps his firm grip around the pale neck.

Zoro shoots up in bed, sweating and gasping. His heart is hammering in his chest. He looks around and sees Sanji lying on the bed next to him unmoving.

Oh, no. Did he actually…?

Was that real?

Zoro feels his entire body go cold from fear. He slowly reaches a hand out to the blonde and lays it on his shoulder. "Sanji?" He gets closer and shakes the man a little. "Sanji?" He says his name a little louder and feels his breathing become a little more frantic. What did he do? "Sanji, oh my god, please don't tell me that actually happened. Please wake up." He's shaking the blonde now, hoping with all he's got that Sanji is still alive. That he didn't just kill the only person he's ever loved. He needs to hear his voice. _Please wake up…_

"Zoro? What are you doing?"

"Oh, thank fuck." Zoro drops his head down onto Sanji and exhales, he didn't realize he was holding his breath.

"What's going on?" Sanji sounds like he's barely awake, but he's alive. Zoro didn't just kill him. He had dreamt the whole thing. He is really losing his mind.

"You're ok. Holy shit, you're ok." Zoro can feel his entire body starting to relax, his heart still frantic in his chest from all the adrenaline he just had coursing through his system.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Are you ok? Damn it, Zoro, why'd you wake me up?"

"Bad dream. Really bad dream."

"Oh, well everythings ok. What happened?"

Zoro shakes his head. He does not want to tell Sanji that he just killed him in his dream. He is silent momentarily to catch his breath. He takes a few deep breaths that calm himself down. That was the most terrifying thing Zoro has ever experienced. He never wants that to play out in reality. If that's the kind of dreams he's going to be having, then he is really afraid for himself, and everyone around him. Zoro is holding himself up on his forearms over Sanji with his head leaned against the other man's chest. "Sanji. I need you to promise me something."

"What?"

He takes a deep breath and keeps his head down. He doesn't want to look at Sanji right now. "If, for any reason, I do anything that scares you or you think I might hurt you, I need you to promise me that you'll leave."

"Zoro, what are you-"

"Just promise me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if anything happened to you because of me."

Sanji doesn't say anything right away. Instead he lifts Zoro's head so he can look into his eye before speaking. "I don't think that'll happen. But if you need me to, I'll promise."

That makes Zoro feel a little better. If Zoro can't keep him safe from himself, at least he knows that Sanji can.

He knows he is not going to be able to fall back asleep after that, so he decides he might as well just get up now. He has no idea what time it is, but it doesn't matter. He goes to the bathroom for a shower.

He turns the shower on and stares at himself in the mirror while he waits for the water to heat up. He looks terrible. Has he always looked so… disturbed? He sighs at his reflection and turns away to shuck off his pants. He climbs into the shower and lets the warm water beat down on his back and shoulders.

"Zoro?" He can hear Sanji opening to bathroom door. The cook opens the shower curtain, but Zoro has his eye closed and chooses to pretend he didn't notice. He's really upset with himself right now. He can hear clothes ruffling, then feels the presence of another body in the shower with him. Sanji wraps his arms around Zoro's torso and just holds him there with the warm water falling over the both of them. Sanji speaks to him softly, his face next to Zoro's ear. "Zoro, everything's ok. I'm ok. I don't know what happened in your dream, but it was just a dream." He rubs soothing circles into Zoro's back as he speaks.

Zoro drops his head to Sanji's shoulder. "It's getting worse."

"What is?" Zoro shakes his head. He still doesn't want to talk about this to Sanji. "Zoro, I really think you should to talk to someone. Whatever this is is bothering you badly, you need to sort this out."

Zoro huffs at the thought of talking it out and getting his brain picked by a therapist. He doesn't want anyone in there. He doesn't even want to be in there. "I told you I don't want to do that."

Sanji sighs in a defeated manner. "Come back to bed."

Zoro nods after a moment.

Sanji reaches behind Zoro and turns the water off. The two men step out of the shower and dry off before heading back to bed. Zoro fights off sleep all night, he does not want another one of those dreams, but he eventually drifts off to a dreamless sleep.

-:-

Zoro has been really good about not drinking in excess since his and Sanji's slight fall out. He had really started building up a habit for alcohol, but that isn't what had him heading straight for a bar one day after work.

Zoro has had a very bad day. Not like a bad workday where nothing goes right, a bad mental day.

Sanji had been keeping him away from alcohol; he had been a little worried about him once he knew he was drinking all day, everyday. But today Zoro just needed it. He couldn't keep his mind where it needed to be no matter what he was doing. His thoughts kept wandering to a dark place that he really didn't like. It kept telling him that he needed to find a way to bring the euphoria back. That he needed it, and he was stupid for killing off the organization; they were the best thing that ever happened to him. And remember how great it felt to kill all of those people at once? He should do that again, and soon.

No matter how hard he tried to dismiss the idea, the thought of wanting to sink his blades into flesh kept expanding and pushing it's way into the corner of every thought. He couldn't get away from it today.

Zoro was about to scream and rip his hair out. This is not what he needed. He got rid of the organization so he didn't have to ever deal with this again. But he just made it worse!

He pounded his head against one of the metal shelves he was piling boxes onto until his manager told him to take the rest of the day off in fear of him cracking his head open.

So now he is at a bar and drinking heavily. The only thoughts going through his mind are about how unhinged he is. He can't help but think he brought this all on himself. If he hadn't been such a goddamn idiot and accepted the job from the organization he wouldn't be like this. He is a self-loathing mess right now.

He's been here for a while and is starting to get a little sloppy, and the other patrons in the bar keep looking to him like he might try something nasty. His new eye scar is really making great first impressions. Not that people weren't wary of him before; he's been told he has a permanent scowl and an intimidating presence. The green hair doesn't help much either; most people think it was a personal choice and that he's giving a big 'fuck you' to the world. But it's so much worse now. He glares down the man next to him, who had been keeping a watchful eye on Zoro and a hand on his wallet. The man gasped and averted his gaze to something other than Zoro. Zoro let out a snort of amusement. That'll never get old.

Well, he supposes, with the thoughts that have been going through his head today, these people might not be wrong to be suspicious of him. There's really only Zoro's wavering will power keeping the judgey bastard's internal organs from being cut out by the knife Zoro has spied behind the counter. But he's had enough of the staring and gets up from his bar stool after paying and heads out.

He has such a hard time getting anywhere now because he can't drive. Although right now he really should not be driving, he's definitely stumbling a little. So he walks out to the street and looks for a cab passing by. The bus system is a little too complicated for him right now, and everytime he uses it they change the bus numbers on him.

It takes a few minuets but he eventually spots a cab and waves it over. He climbs in and the cabby asks where he's headed. He gives him his address and the cab moves back into the flow of traffic.

"Isn't it a little early to be drinking so much? It's barely seven."

Ugh, now even the cab driver is judging him? Maybe he should have just walked. Zoro just grunts in response and fixes his gaze out the window in an attempt to keep his mind from finding every lethal object in the cab he could use to impale this guy with. He keeps his arms crossed and his fingers dug into his biceps just in case.

"Well, it's rush hour, we've got some time to kill if you want to talk about it."

Zoro just scoffs. Why would he tell his problems to a cab driver?

"Hey, who am I going to tell? And if you're as drunk as it looked when you flagged me down, there's got to be something weighing on your mind. You look a little tense back there."

"Mm." Zoro really isn't comfortable admitting any of this to himself, let alone his cab driver who could very easily just drive him to the police station after hearing about it, or an insane asylum. "Tense is an understatement."

"I can see that, you squeeze any harder and you might rip your own arms off. You got some girl troubles or something?"

Zoro shifts his gaze from outside to the back of the cab driver's head, he's sure the man can feel a hole being burned through his skull from the intensity of his glare. "Or something." If he's not careful, the cab driver may really regret trying to talk to Zoro.

"Boy troubles then?" Zoro can see the cabby making a disapproving face. Oh, this man better stop talking now or Zoro is not going to hold himself back. They make eye contact in the rear view mirror and the man quickly averts his gaze back to the street in front of him.

"I'm actually very happy with my boyfriend." If it's possible, Zoro definitely just said the word 'boyfriend' in an italicized and bolded tone of voice. "If you don't want my hands moved from my arms to your throat, I would advise you to stop talking."

Zoro can hear the cabdriver swallow. That shut him up. He digs his nails into his skin; now that he's also angry holding himself back is becoming a very difficult task. He focuses his attention outside the cab once more and sits in silence for the rest of the ride.

They arrive at Zoro's apartment about twenty minutes later. Zoro exits the cab, pays without tip, and then heads up the stairs to his apartment. Zoro can't wait to get into his bed and throw the covers over his head and fall asleep. He's exhausted from pushing away unsavory thoughts all day.

He makes to unlock his door but realizes it's already unlocked. The cook must be here. He hasn't complained about giving Sanji a key since he gets to come home to a homemade meal anytime the blonde uses it, but today he might have wished he could take the key away. He just wants to be alone. He's had enough interaction today and he really doesn't want Sanji around when he's having these thoughts that have been worsening all day. And his mood has considerably soured as a result of them.

As soon as he opens the door he hears the blonde. "Hey moss man. Dinner's just about ready."

"I'm not hungry." Instead of going to the kitchen to greet Sanji like usual, he heads straight to his bed. Sanji may be here, but he is sticking to his plan. His bed is calling his name.

"Zoro." He doesn't even respond to his cook. He doesn't have the energy to deal with explanations. "Hey, everything ok?" Zoro just flops on his bed and pulls the covers over his head. He can hear Sanji in his room now. He just wants to be alone. The cook pulls the blanket off of Zoro's head. He keeps his eye tightly shut. He doesn't want any more interaction. He's already barely holding himself together. He can feel his emotions rising up inside of him. Everything is getting to be too much to handle.

-:-

Zoro looks like shit. He has bags under his eyes, his hair is all mussed up like he's been pulling at it all day, he reeks of bar. "Were you at a bar? Didn't you have work today?" All he gets is a grunt from the green haired man. Zoro is in one of those moods where you can't get anything from him. Sanji is still going to try. "Are you alright, Zoro?"

"Sanji, I just want to be alone right now." Zoro starts to pull the covers back over his face but pauses. "You don't have to leave if you don't want, but I just need to be alone. And I need a nap."

"Did you have a bad day?"

"Yes I had a fucking bad day, Sanji."

"What happened?" He knows this is probably not going to end well pushing Zoro into talking, but they really need to stop keeping things from each other. Every time they do something bad happens.

"I don't want to talk about it. Why does everyone insist on me talking about my problems today?"

"Because something is obviously wrong. Zoro, you know what happens when we don't talk to each other."

"I'm just really messed up, Sanji. And I'm having a really bad day." Sanji can see Zoro starting to get a little worked up from the conversation. His voice is tense and his usually scowling features are pulled into an even more glowering expression.

"Tell me why it was so bad." This is probably not one of Sanji's better ideas. He has seen Zoro blow up when he's pushed about something he doesn't want to talk about. Sanji normally tries not to force him into talking about his feelings or anything, but this is something that he thinks needs to happen. He has been watching Zoro get progressively more shut in on himself and angry and he's getting worried for him. Sanji really thinks he should get Robin to talk to him.

"I don't want to, ok? I don't need you thinking I'm as fucked in the head as I do." Zoro is pulling at his hair; so that is what happened to it. He rolls over to his front and buries his face and hands into his pillow. "I'm just a god damn mess, Sanji." He sees Zoro shake his head slightly, and then his shoulders shake as he tries to hold back a sob. Sanji's eyes widen at the sight; has never seen Zoro cry before. They've been through a lot, but Zoro has never gotten this emotional. Maybe it's all the alcohol. Sanji can see Zoro's body shaking in silent cries and he puts a hand on his back.

"Zoro…"

Zoro turns his head to look at Sanji the moment he feels his hand on him. His face is tear stained and his eye is slightly puffy. He has a slightly deranged look to him as well. "Just go away! Leave me alone; I just want to be alone. Damnit, Sanji, I know you mean well, but right now just please leave me the fuck alone." He sniffs and shoves his face back into the pillow.

Well, that's enough pushing Zoro for one day then. He'll have to talk to Robin later. Zoro is not in a good place right now, and he's not completely sure why. Too much has happened recently to be able to pinpoint a single event that pushed the moss head over the edge. It could easily be a combination of everything and Zoro just doesn't know how to emotionally deal with it. "Alright. I'll put your dinner in the fridge for you."

He reluctantly leaves the moss head's side and heads back into the kitchen to put away Zoro's portion of dinner. He feels bad for the poor man, but he knows there's nothing he can do, and Zoro definitely wouldn't let him if there were no matter how hard he tried. Sanji is getting worried about him. He eats his share of the dinner he made before cleaning up and stopping in the bathroom before he goes home.

-:-

Zoro wishes Sanji would have just let him be to begin with. He would have just fallen asleep, but Sanj insisted on talking. Now he's crying. No he's sobbing. Damnit. He needs to get a hold of himself. It had really been a long day and he really just couldn't take it anymore. Zoro is having a really hard time controlling lately and he doesn't know why. And that terrible dream he had the other night... He feels insane and he's kind of afraid for himself. He doesn't know what's going to happen to him, or other people, if he can't get this remedied. The fights helped a little, but not enough, and the effect that they had didn't last very long. He's gone to one other fight but the next day he was right back where he had started. He takes a few deep breaths and calms himself. He feels bad for yelling at Sanji, but he really didn't want to be around him while he's feeling like this, he doesn't want to hurt him. He got really close to hurting that cab driver. He feels disgusting, worse than he ever did after enjoying a kill.

Why is he so deranged? What happened to him to make him this way? Something must have happened. He can hear Sanji in the kitchen, probably cleaning up dinner, as he slowly, finally, drifts off to sleep from emotional exhaustion.

He's woken up to a door slamming. He feels like he's been asleep for about 5 minutes. Did Sanji seriously wake him up leaving? Well, now that the cook is gone, he can finally be alone. He decides he should probably eat even though he's exhausted and doesn't want to get out of bed, but Sanji's food is always better when its fresh. So he reluctantly pushes himself out of bed and rubs at his face. His eyes are all puffy from crying. He still can't believe he did that, very unlike him. But he does feel a little better now; some of the tension has been relieved.

When he gets to the living room he stops. His door is wide open. Is Sanji that mad that he didn't want to talk that he slammed the door open and left it? That doesn't sound like something he would do. He may have a temper, but he wouldn't just leave the door open.

He looks back over to the kitchen where he was headed, but doesn't make it more than a step before he stops again. Who the fuck is that? And why are they in his home? That answers the open door question.

Zoro is getting so fed up with everything today. He's about to leave everything and just disappear. He's had enough.

"What are you doing in my house?" He knows this guy, why does he know this guy? There is something familiar about him, but Zoro can't figure out what.

The other man turns to face him and his eyes widen momentarily before he narrows them with a sinister smile. "Roronoa."

"Who the fuck are you?"

Instead of a verbal response, the man slowly walks towards Zoro and reaches for something in a jacket pocket. Zoro stands his ground, this is his goddamn apartment and he is not about to back down to some asshole who just barged in.

Zoro asks again. "Who the fuck are you?"

And then it clicks. Zoro knows who the fuck this is, they've only briefly interacted, but they have met. Why is he here though? The butt of a gun nearly clipped him in the jaw while he was staring slack jawed at the man before he dodged.

So he isn't completely finished with the organization yet.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Whew this one took me longer than normal, I don't know why, but here it is! Enjoy.**

Zoro had completely forgotten about this guy. He shouldn't have, he's one of the first members of the organization who he met. This is the man who recruited him. But what is he doing here? Zoro had killed the head of the organization. They should all be disbanded.

No one should be coming after him. No one should even know that he did anything.

The two men stand squared up to each other ready to strike at the slightest movement. Zoro glances at the gun the other man is holding. Shit, his swords are locked away under his bed. Maybe if he can get into the kitchen he can grab a knife…

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh, so you do remember me. You know, you did quite a number on the organization. Put me out of some good work."

"How do you know that was me?"

"The very fact that you know what I'm talking about tells me all that I need to know. And the cameras in the building caught a bloodthirsty three sword wielding man taking down everyone on the third floor. I'm not sure there are many cadidates that fit that description."

"Fair enough. But that doesn't answer what you're doing here." As the other man slowly moves towards Zoro, Zoro tactfully positions himself closer to the kitchen where there is any hope of finding a sharp weapon.

"Oh, but I did. You put me out of work, Roronoa, work that got your sorry ass a job when you were 18. I got you off the streets, you should be thankful. You should be thankful for the entire organization. Who else would take a dim uneducated brute like yourself on for work? Those swords are all you have going for you, and look what you did. You took that away for yourself, and for me." The man lunges forwards and uses his gun to swipe at Zoro. He clearly wants to talk, or drag this out, since he isn't using it to shoot Zoro. Zoro throws up an arm to block the incoming weapon. Zoro isn't trained in hand to hand combat, his area lies in swordsmanship, but he can already tell he is a hell of a lot better at it than the other man. Why else would he have brought a gun?

"You did nothing for me. You ruined me life by offereing me that job. I got myself off the streets, not you. I have nothing to thank you for. You're just a god damned recruiter, what do you think you can do to me?" Zoro grabs a hold of the arm that was swung towards him and uses it to pull the other man forward while throwing a punch towards his face, but the man manages to duck and land a kick to Zoro's stomach. Zoro lets go of his arm and stumbles back a few steps. "Fuck you." Zoro had been pushed back far enough towards the kitchen that he can reach the large knife the cook had left out to dry on the counter after cleaning up. Thank you, Sanji.

"I didn't want to have to kill you, Roronoa. I came to maybe rough you up a bit, but I also came with a proposal." The man glances at the knife in Zoro's hand warily. "Just put down the knife, let's talk."

Zoro lets out a huff of laughter. "You want to talk? You expect me to put down my knife while you're holding a goddamn gun? If you want to talk we can talk just fine like this. I won't lie; I do want to kill you. You picked a bad day to come negotiate or whatever the fuck it is you're trying to do. So what do you want?"

The man doesn't take his eyes off Zoro's knife. He is all too aware of Zoro's expertise with sharp weapons. He recruited him after all, and he has apparently seen footage of him taking out the entire top floor of the organization. "A new organization. We're both out of work; we both don't have many other skills outside of this line of work. So why don't we make our own? You owe me for helping you, and you just ruined a good thing I had going. So by joining me you can pay back the kindness I did to you by recruiting you and getting you a real job."

"What are you talking about, a real job? That was not a real job. That was paid murder that you forced me to do. I don't owe you shit."

"I didn't force you to sign the contract."

"But you did force me to stay once I had had enough. Why do you think I would create a whole new organization when I just got rid of the old one? What could possibly have made you think I want that?"

"What other choices do you have, Roronoa? Where are you going find a job to pay for anything?"

"I have a job!"

"Oh, are you a grocery bagger? Stock boy? Cashier? Making minimum wage, just enough to pay for this apartment and some instant ramen? That's not a real job. What are you going to do when all of the money you had made from hits runs out? You have absolutely no education to get yourself anything better. You need this."

"What I do is none of your business. I am not tricking people into a lifetime contract to kill. I am not you. You ruined my god damn life; I don't wish what I have to deal with now on anyone. You don't even know how much self-restraint I am excercising to not kill you right now. And honestly, I don't even know why I am bothering to hold back." The man raises the gun at Zoro. "I fucking dare you to pull that trigger. See what happens. You saw what I did to your lovely boss, she shot me too."

Before the man was even able to place his finger fully on the gun's trigger, Zoro's arm shot out and sliced a deep cut into the man's forearm causing him to drop the gun. That's what happens when you hesitate, asshole. Zoro shoves the man to the floor and uses his lower body to hold him down while he pulls an arm back for a punch. The other man manages to flip Zoro off right before his fist connected with his face, but Zoro had severed a few tendons in his forearm and he only has one arm to fight with, so he can only either hold Zoro down, or hit him. He can't do both. He chooses to throw a punch and Zoro easily throws the man off of him and grabs his knife that he had dropped earlier in favor of punching. He kneels over the man with the knife pressed against his throat.

"Did you really think I was going to join you? What kind of deluded world do you live in?" He pushes the knife in a little and watches as blood begins to spill out from the shallow cut. He can feel the bloodlust growing. Zoro sees the man underneath him look to Zoro's left and he hears footsteps moving closer.

"What-"

Before whoever this is could get out any more words, Zoro had leapt off the recruiter and into the direction of the new intruder. Being blind on his left side, Zoro can't see who it is. He reaches out and grabs a fistful of shirt and places the knife at their throat while still keeping an eye on the recruiter on the ground. "You thought bringing more people with you would convince me?" He is about to turn and slice into the new man in the room when the recruiter jumps up and heads for his gun that he dropped earlier. Zoro lets the new guy go in favor of keeping the recruiter from shooting him. Not that he can't handle being shot, it's happened before, but he would really rather not have to deal with that. Right before the recruiter gets a hand on the gun Zoro tackles him to the ground and buries the knife in his back between vertebrae. He pulls the knife out and stabs at the man's back a few more times. He can feel relief wash over himself. He stands up and yanks the knife out of the man's back before turning back to the other man with the knife ready to slice into him just as he did the recruiter. He feels the dark thoughts taking over his rational mind; he's finally getting to let it all out. He's been holding this back all day and the perfect opportunity presented itself. Zoro's body is coursing with excitement; he finally gets to kill again.

With the last shred of rational thought, Zoro can tell his face is completely contorted into a demonic bloodthirsty expression. He can feel himself barring his teeth as he stalks over to his new prey. This blonde bastard isn't even trying to defend himself. Zoro can see him saying something, but he can't hear him. He's too focused on getting a kill in. As Zoro approaches, the other man kicks the knife out of his hand. Zoro watches as it lands on the ground and decides whether or not he wants to pick it back up but decides to let it go. He wraps a hand around the other man's throat and shoves him up against a wall.

He can feel blunt nails scraping against his arm and can hear someone calling his name softly, like they can't breathe. Then he feels a kick in his abdomin and he's sent flying across the room and into the couch. Then he feels a kick to the left side of his face. "What the FUCK Zoro?"

Zoro shakes his head and feels blood running down the left side of his face. Everyone always hits him on that side now… He looks up agrily at the man who just kicked his head in and sees… Sanji. He looks around and no one is there besides the two of them, and the dead recruiter. He attacked Sanji? Zoro looks back up at the blonde who is looking to him warily and is ready to strike out if necessary. He can see a red mark in his throat where Zoro had choked him. He tried to kill Sanji. "Cook?"

"Yeah, you shitty idiot, don't you dare do that to me again."

"What are you doing here? You left."

"No, I was about to leave because your angry ass wanted to be alone. I stopped in the bathroom before I left and I come out to you with a knife in someone's back and your hands around my throat! What the fuck, Zoro?"

"I tried to kill you…" Zoro didn't even know that was Sanji. He was so caught up in what his subconscious wanted him to do that he didn't even see him. This is getting really bad. Zoro can't think of anything else to say, all he can do is stare numbly up at the cook with his mouth open. Sanji crouches down to Zoro and looks at him in the eye. Zoro gently reaches out to run his fingers over the cooks' throat but pulls his hand back in fear of hurting him again. He can't believe he hurt Sanji.

Sanji reaches to his throat and rubs at the newly forming bruise. "Who the fuck is that?" He motions with his head over to the dead body that is now lying in Zoro's living room.

Zoro glances over to the dead recruiter and and growing pool of blood. He sighs and closes his eye. It had been so long since he killed someone. It felt really disgustingly good. He hopes he has enough alcohol in the kitchen to deal with this. "The last of the organization."

"What? I thought you got rid of all of them."

"He's no one important. He's the guy who recruited me, and he wanted me to form a new organization with him."

"So you killed him…"

"He came at me with a gun, Sanji." Not that that really excuses him from murder, but hey, self defense and all of that. He may have stabbed him a few uneeded extra times though.

"So you were defending yourself? And you thought I was one of them, too?"

"Yeah. You came out on my blind side, I couldn't see you."

"You didn't mean it." He runs his fingers over his throat again.

"Stop being so goddamn understanding, Sanji. I tried to fucking kill you! I meant it. I wanted to kill you. I didn't know it was you, but I wanted to kill you. Why are you forgiving me for that?"

"Because I know you wouldn't have done it if you knew it was me. And you didn't kill me. You were in a high stress situation, you weren't thinking clearly."

"No, I wasn't thinking clearly, and I haven't been all day. It doesn't matter if I thought it was you or not, I still did it! Don't you get that? I wanted to kill you."

"But you didn't."

"But I could have! I would have. Why are you so quick to defend my actions? Why aren't you afraid of me? I'm afraid of me! I just killed a man in front of you, and tried to strangle you. And you're still here. After everything you've seen me do, you're still here. Why? Why do you think I won't hurt you?"

"Because you need me to stay. If I left, what would you do? You won't help youself, so I'm trying to help you however I can. And if forgiving you for this is what I have to do I will."

"Don't forgive me for this. Don't forgive me for being insane. I'm so fucked up, Sanji. It's not something you can forgive; it's just how I am. You can't fix it. You can't help me."

"Then help yourself. If I can't help you, find someone who can because clearly whatever you've been doing hasn't been working."

"I don't want help, I don't want to know what's wrong with me. I don't want to get sent away to some criminally insane prison. But I'm too messed up to be around people."

"Zoro, you need to get yourself help. Go talk to Robin. I'll talk to her for you, and she can come sort out whatever is going on in your head."

Zoro stands up to get something to drink from the kitchen. He can still feel the alcohol from earlier, but he could definitely use some more. As he gets up, Sanji flinches back away from him slightly, Zoro's shoulder's drop from the reaction. "That's the kind of reaction you should be having to me. See, you are afraid of me."

"Yeah, I am a little afraid of you. You did just have your hands around my throat."

"I thought you forgave me for that." Zoro's voice is dripping in mockery.

"I did. I do forgive you for that. But just because I know you don't want to hurt me doesn't mean I'm not going to be afraid that you can. I've known that you can, I've just trusted that you won't. But right now, in your current state, I'm not so sure."

"I'm not so sure either." Zoro finds a full bottle and starts to drink out of it while he leans against his kitchen counter with his back to the cook.

He hears Sanji sigh. "You really need to talk to someone Zoro." Then he hears the door close.

-:-

Sanji walks back over to All Blue to retrieve his car. He rests a cigarette between his lips and tries to light it, but his hands are shaking too much. He stops walking and takes a deep breath and shakes out his hands. He needs to calm himself down. He tries again to light his cigarette and this time he is successful.

As calm as he seemed towards Zoro just then, on the inside he was terrified. He had never actually seen Zoro kill someone. He had seen the aftermath, but not the actual act of killing. And then he tried to kill Sanji. Sanji thought he might actually have done it too if he hadn't kicked that knife out of his hand. He's pretty sure he could hold his own against Zoro, but if he's out for blood like he was earlier, there's no telling what Zoro might do.

He finally makes it to his car and sits behind the wheel in a numbed daze. He reaches up to his throat and tenderly brushes his fingers over the marks that he knows Zoro had left. He knows Zoro doesn't want to hurt him, but Zoro doesn't think he can stop himself. And if he doesn't trust himself, then Sanji isn't sure that he can trust him either.

He pulls out his phone and pulls up Robin's contact. He stares at it for a few moments before making the decision to call her. Zoro needs to talk to someone. He needs to get help. He can't just be as he is and in fear of hurting other people and drinking away his problems.

He places the phone to his ear and waits for the line to be picked up.

 _"Hello?"_

"Robin? It's Sanji."

 _"Oh, good evening Sanji. How are you?"_

"I'm, uh, alright. I actually have a favor to ask you." He can't believe how rude he's being to a woman. He normally would have gone on to ask about how her day was, about how beautiful she looked last he saw her, about how he would make her something special to eat soon, but this is not the time for that. Zoro has a dead body in his apartment and waning sanity to be dealt with.

 _"What is it?"_

"Could you talk to Zoro? He really needs to talk to someone, but he refuses to do it himself. So I thought maybe you could head over there and talk to him. Not now, now is not a good time. But maybe tomorrow or something…"

 _"Is he alright? Did something happen?"_

"Uh, yeah. It's really something he should talk to you about."

 _"Yes, I would be happy talk to him. I'm not sure how willing he will be to talk back to me, but I can try. Are you with him now?"_

"No, I just left. He needs to calm down. I'd feel better if you went to see him tomorrow."

 _"I can do that."_

"Thank you, Robin. I'm sure he'll be thankful as well, not that he would ever admit it."

 _"No he would not. I will talk to him tomorrow, Sanji."_ Robin hangs up the phone leaving Sanji in a silence. He pulls his phone away from his ear and starts his car so he can head home.

-:-

Zoro places the empty bottle in his hand down on the counter. He takes a deep breath and walks over to his couch. He fixes it so it's sitting straight again, it got moved a few feet when Sanji kicked him into it. He glances over at the dead body in his apartment. He needs to do something about that. If he called to police, he could say it was self-defence because it was he had a gun. But how does he explain the extra knife wounds he inflicted? No he doesn't need the cops to mess with this.

He's never killed anyone without having a clean up crew to follow after him. He doesn't even know where he's supposed to start.

Then he remembers he does know where he can start. He can call Law. Law apparently has some clean up crew of his own, Zoro isn't sure he wants to know why, but he has one. And he did say he could call him if he needs anything. And right now he definitely needs him.

Zoro heads to his bedroom to find his phone and calls Law.

 _"Hello?"_

"Law? It's Zoro, uh, Zoro Roronoa. Are you in town?"

 _"Oh Roronoa, it's been a while. I am."_

"I need your help with something."

 _"Are you having problems?"_

"I have a problem. A very big dead problem."

 _"What happened?"_

"I have a dead body in my apartment that I need to get rid of. And I don't know how. Thought you might be able to help me."

 _"That is quite a problem. I did say I would help you didn't I… All right. I'll call my guys, and head over. Care to tell me what happened?"_

"I'll fill you in when you get here. You probably know him."

 _"That sounds interesting. I'll see you soon then."_

Zoro lies down on his bed while he waits for Law. He can't believe that he almost killed Sanji. Thankfully the cook knows how to fight or he would have. He's pretty sure Sanji is probably not going to come back anytime soon. Which is probably for the best, it keeps him out of Zoro's reach. Sanji is the one person Zoro doesn't want to hurt. And he hurt him.

He's realizing that he is no longer stable. He can't predict what he's going to do anymore. He heaves a deep sigh and closes his eye. He just needs to focus on one thing at a time right now. And the most important is getting rid of the body and blood in his living room.

He hears a knock on his door and peeks through the small peephole just to be sure it's who he's expecting. Law and a few others are waiting on the otherside of the door. Zoro opens the door for Law and the six other men follow him in.

"Well you look like shit."

"It's good to see you too, Law."

"So what happened? Who is this, you said I might know him?"

"Go take a look. Organization recruiter. Thought he could get me to form a new organization with him. He said I owed him."

"Hm. Not sure I know this one. It looks like he got you pretty good, though." Law motions to the left side of Zoro's face.

"Nah, that wasn't him. That's a whole other problem that I've got." Law gives Zoro a questioning look. "Sanji."

The dark haired man's eye widen briefly. "He was here?" Zoro nods. "How'd that go?"

Zoro looks to the floor before speaking. "I almost killed him."

Law silently studies Zoro for a moment before motioning to Zoro's bedroom. "Let's talk in there. We should get out of their way."

Zoro follows Law after grabbing another bottle he had found in his kitchen. They sit on his bed as Zoro recounts what happened since they last saw each other up until the current point in time. How his want to kill has been winning over every other thought.

"So you can't control anymore?" Zoro notices Law had brought his sword with him and he is holding it in a manner that says he will stop him if he tries anything. Law doesn't trust him either.

"It takes everything I have to hold myself together. It's a little easier after killing that recruiter, though."

"And you are still pursuing a relationship with your blonde? Even after all of this?"

"I don't know. He left before saying anything about that."

"Well, I'm not here to tell you what to do, but it seems you have some things to think over." Zoro definitely has a lot to think on.

A man with an odd hat peeks around the door. "Law, we're all done in here."

Law glances up at the man. "Thank you, Penguin. I'll be with you in a moment." Zoro nods in thanks to the man before he disappears behind the door again. "I'd prefer you not to make a habit out of this, but I stand by what I said before. If you do need me for anything, I'll be glad to help."

"Yeah. Thanks." Zoro walks the man to the front door.

Before closing the door, Law looks back to Zoro. "If you're struggling this much, you might find it beneficial to find some professional help. Before this gets out of hand."

Zoro is pretty sure it already has gotten out of hand.

After Law and his crew leave the apartment he takes a look around. Those guys do some pretty amazing clean up. Zoro can't even tell there was a drop of blood in there. He goes back to his room and finishes the bottle he had brought in there. He's feeling the alcohol now. Zoro lays his head down and drifts off to sleep. He's had a long day.

-:-

Sanji had a rough night sleeping. He had a lot going through his mind last night. He's barely paying attention to anything going on in the restaurant around him.

He yawns as he heads outside for a quick smoke break. Maybe that will wake him up a little. As he brings his hands up to light the cigarette he feels his phone ringing in his pants pocket. He quickly touches the flame to the tip of the stick hanging out of his mouth and grabs his phone.

"Hello?"

 _"Sanji? Are you sure it was alright that I talk to Zoro today?"_

"It should be. He might not be thrilled, but he needs it. Are you on your way there now?"

 _"I'm here now actually, and he isn't here."_

"He isn't?" Sanji thinks quickly, what day is it does Zoro have work? No, he doesn't. "Is he just not answering? I have a key I can let you in if he's just being stubborn."

 _"No, Sanji, he's not here. And his door was unlocked."_

Sanji has a bad feeling about this. "Did you see his bike?"

 _"I didn't check."_

"I'll head over. I'll be there in a few minutes." Sanji hangs up the phone and heads straight to Zoro's. He doesn't bother letting anyone know he left; he hasn't been very attentive today anyways, they'll be fine. He runs down the few streets it takes to get him to Zoro's apartment building and runs up the stairs. He finds Robin standing in Zoro's living room. Only when he enters the apartment does he remember the possibility of a dead body on the floor. Thankfully, there isn't one, and Sanji isn't sure he wants to know how Zoro dealt with that.

"Sanji." Robin looks to him in a surpised manner. He is panting and has a slight sheen of sweat on his brow from the run over.

"Hi, Robin."

"You didn't need to come all the way over here Sanji, if he isn't here, then I'll just come back another time."

"I have a feeling if he isn't here, he might not be coming back, at least not right away." Sanji really wants to find some kind of evidence that Zoro isn't gone. He doesn't want Zoro to leave. He knows he can, he's done it before and hid for five years. If he thinks he is a danger to anyone, wouldn't he leave? Sanji had forgotten to check for his motorcycle in his hurry to get upstairs, but Zoro probably would have left that anyways, he can't drive it anymore. What would he have taken with him? He looks around the living room and sees nothing missing, only a few extra empty bottles that weren't there last night.

Then he moves to the bedroom. His swords. He keeps his swords in here. He wouldn't leave without those, they seem important to him. Where does he keep those though? Sanji never saw where he put them away. He walks to the other side of the bed and sees an open lock box, just the right size for swords.

Sanji stands staring at the empty black box. Zoro took his swords. Sanji doesn't know what he is thinking, but Zoro is alone, armed, and unstable.

And he's gone.


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: Yay, new chapter. I've been preoccupied trying to fill out an application to teach English in China, so my updates are getting further apart now. I have a lot of shit to do for that. BUT, I am getting this thing done. Happy reading!**

Zoro slowly comes to consciousness after a disturbingly restful sleep. When was the last time he slept so well?

Right. When he was consistently leaving a trail of bodies to be cleaned up.

And that's exactly what he had done last night; his first kill in months.

He opens his eye and stares at the ceiling. It is not normal for a person to sleep so soundly after killing a man. Or find the most restful sleep after almost killing their boyfriend. Zoro had made Sanji promise to leave him if he tried to hurt him, or if he thought he might hurt him, and he nearly killed him last night. Yet, Sanji made no mention of leaving him. Maybe he misunderstood what Zoro meant? Either way, Zoro is sure that Sanji should just leave him regardless, who wants to be with someone as insane as Zoro?

He looks over at the clock on his nightstand. It's still pretty early, 6 am. He went to sleep rather early last night, so no wonder he's awake already. He considers trying to fall back asleep for a few hours, but honestly he's really fucking rested so he abandons that idea and gets out of bed. Zoro heads over to his small kitchen and gets some coffee started while he looks through his fridge for something to eat. He doesn't have much except for the dinner Sanji had made him last night that he never got to eat. His stomach grumbles when he remembers he didn't eat dinner. He pulls outs the plate and looks under the tinfoil to inspect the food. Food is food, and the cook isn't here to berate him for eating a strictly dinner only meal for breakfast. He throws out the foil and sticks the plate in the microwave. Sanji would probably disown him for reheating it like that but whatever. When the microwave announces that the food is ready, he brings his plate closer to where the coffee is almost done brewing and pulls out a mug to fill. He spies a bottle of whiskey next to the coffee pot and shrugs at the dark liquid. It looks enough like coffee, might as well add some of that to the cup as well. On second thought, he downs the whiskey he poured into the mug and continues drinking straight from the bottle. That would not have been nearly enough. He continues taking pulls from the bottle and eating bits of food off the plate as he watches the coffee fill the pot.

When he finishes up his dinner for breakfast, whiskey, and coffee, Zoro heads over to the bathroom with a light buzz. He turns the shower on as hot as it will go. He wants to burn away his misdeeds from last night. He turns to face the mirror as he waits for the water to heat up and stares at himself. That was a mistake. He looks terrible. His green hair is flattened on one side; he has dark circles under his eyes even though he slept better than ever last night. His eyebrows are tightly knit together, and no matter how much he tries he can't relax his face enough to wipe away the deepened scowl and slight snarl on his lips. He looks evil. It's as if he has been progressively getting more and more demonic as time passes. He lightly touches the cut above his left eye that Sanji's shoe left him and briefly wonders if that will scar. He hopes it does. It will serve as a reminder for how awful he is.

He can't take his reflection anymore. The longer he stares at it the more warped it gets. He smashes his fist into the mirror and it shatters over his counter and into the sink. He picks out the small fragments that lodged themselves in his knuckles and promptly enters the shower, which has finally become hardly bearable. He stands under the scalding water until it starts to run cold and he turns it off. He was so focused on feeling the burning pain of the water that he forgot to wash. At this point, he doesn't even care. He's gone longer without washing. He steps out from behind the shower curtain and grabs the closest towel to wipe away the water clinging to his body and hair, discarding it on the floor once again when he is finished.

Once in his bedroom, he pulls on a pair of pants and a shirt then sits on the end of his bed with his head in his hands. He's becoming a danger to others. He actually hurt someone he cares deeply for. If Sanji hadn't been able to fight back, would Zoro have killed him? He tightly shuts his eye when he thinks that yes, he probably would have without a second thought. What if it had happened with someone else? What if he had grabbed Chopper? Or Nami? The scariest part about the whole ordeal was he looked right at the blonde and he didn't even see him.

Everything was supposed to be better after the organization ended. He wasn't supposed to feel like this. He was supposed to be ok, but he's being pulled under quickly and whatever evil thing that has taken up residence in his mind is holding him down.

No one is safe around him. He no longer trusts himself at all. He can feel a magnetic pull from his swords that are resting below him under the bed, begging to be used. He tries to restrain himself, but he slides off the bed and pulls out the weapons. He runs his hands over the sheaths and grips. He tears his gaze away from the three swords and grabs his swords case and a bag. He packs away the swords and stuffs some clothes into the bag along with the cash he made off of hits.

As he makes his way out of his bedroom he catches a glimpse of a shirt that the cook had left and his heart clenches.

Zoro quickly gets out of his front door before he loses his resolve to leave. He doesn't know where he's going to go, but he needs to get away, at least for a little while.

-:-

Sanji can feel that his heart has dropped into this gut. Zoro isn't here. The blonde takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself down. He walks to the bathroom to splash some cool water on his face but stops when he notices the broken mirror shattered all over the sink with a few drops of blood mixed in with the shards. What the fuck happened?

He forgoes the cool water and instead moves to the living room where Robin is. As he approaches, she looks up to him from the empty plate, mug, and bottle on Zoro's table. Great, so whatever it is Zoro is doing, he's doing it intoxicated.

"It looks as though our missing friend left not too long ago judging by the coffee cup. The empty whiskey bottle is a little mystifying, but the coffee that is left in the pot is still warm. He probably hasn't gone too far." Robin smiles to Sanji as though her words are reassuring.

"That would be nice to hear if the man we're looking for actually knew how to navigate a straight line. He probably doesn't even know where he is, I don't know how we would be able to find him." Sanji sighs and pulls out his phone. The first step to finding the moss head is to call him. He selects his contact and puts the phone to his ear. As he hears the ringing that means the line connected he hears a muffled phone ringing somewhere in the apartment. Sanji heads in the direction of the quiet ringing and finds Zoro's phone under some discarded clothing on the bedroom floor. Shit, his phone is still here. Sanji's heart starts beating faster. He can't even make sure the man is ok, or see if he's coming back. What if he doesn't come back?

Sanji falls to his knees from the crouching position he was in from picking up the phone and leans his head against Zoro's bed. All he can do is wait for him to show up and hope that the man is ok, and that anyone he comes into contact with is ok. Shit. Sanji is going to be glued to the news until he hears anything from Zoro. That's just what this whole situation needs, another dead body.

Sanji feels a hand on his shoulder and looks up to see Robin standing over him. "What makes you think that he left, Sanji? He doesn't seem to have packed everything up."

"Because he's upset. I know he is. He's angry with himself for what happened last night, and I'm almost certain that he would disappear if he thought that's what was best."

"What happened last night?"

Sanji pauses to think. How does he explain this to Robin? _My boyfriend tried to kill me after he stabbed a man repeatedly in the back, but don't worry he didn't mean it._ Even Sanji is starting to sound a little crazy. But he knows that Zoro didn't mean it. He may have wanted to when he didn't think it was Sanji, but once he came back to his senses there was nothing to be afraid of. Even though Sanji trusts Zoro literally with his life, that doesn't mean others will or that anyone else will understand why he is still with the man. Zoro really needs someone to keep him grounded right now. He has even told Sanji that just being near him makes him feel normal. Just like he had told the green haired man last night, Zoro needs Sanji. As fucked up as it, that is what their relationship has become, he still loves him undoubtedly, though. The more he thinks about it, the sadder it makes him.

"Sanji?" Right, Robin asked him a question.

"I'm sorry. Uh, I'm not really sure how to explain it to you. He had a… psychotic episode I guess."

"Please, explain what you mean." Sanji gives Robin an unsure look. "You wanted me to talk to him, this is the best we can do right now since he isn't here. I need to know what happened."

Sanji nods. He did want Robin to help Zoro. He just didn't want to be the one to relay the information. But out of all of their friends, Robin is perhaps the one who would be most understanding of the situation given her occupation. "Last night, uh, someone came here. Zoro said it was some recruiter guy or something he knew from the organization who was trying to talk him into something he didn't want to do. They got in a fight, and he, uh… Zoro killed him. He didn't know I was still here, and he didn't realize it was me, so he attacked me too." As he says the last sentence his hand wanders to his neck. He wore a high collared shirt buttoned up all the way to hide what he could of the bruise, but a lot of it still showed.

"He obviously didn't kill you though."

"No, I kicked some sense into him, literally. I'm sure he has a huge bruise on his face now."

Robin takes a moment to look at the bruise on Sanji's neck diligently. "Has he hurt you like this before?"

"No. Never. He's never even gotten close. He's usually really gentle… He was afraid to touch me afterwards."

"How was he after he came back to reality?"

"He was definitely regretful of what he had done. He was angry with himself for what happened. And he was angry with me for not being more upset with him. He was in a bad state all day; he came home drunk and refused dinner, something he never does, and when I tried to talk to him he ended up… crying. He's just been pushed to his limits I think, and he really needs someone to help him. I'm not doing a very good job at it apparently."

Robin is silent for a few beats, taking in all of what Sanji had just confided. "Is that why you are staying with him? After everything you know about him and have seen, you stay because you want to help him?"

"Well, yeah I guess that's part of it. I do love him, and I know he feels the same. I do genuinely want to be with him. But he needs someone to ground him, especially right now, and he has told me that I help with that. He needs me. It hasn't always been like this; at least I don't think so. He's had his off days, but nothing to this extreme." Their relationship had definitely started on mutual attraction and want, not need. Sanji had initiated the relationship even, well after Zoro had let him know how he felt by a drunken accident.

"So would I be correct to assume that is why you are so worried about him not coming back? You believe that he needs you to be stable, and since you don't know where he is and cannot contact him you're afraid something may happen."

"I guess. And I just don't want him to disappear. I really hope he didn't leave without saying anything." Sanji closes his eyes and leans his head back on the bed. Where did his stupid idiot go?

"I'm sure he didn't. As I said earlier, he didn't pack everything up. Is there anything missing?"

"His swords." Sanji motions to the empty box. "Those are what's worrying me. I don't know about anything else, though. It's always a mess in here, so it's hard to tell. And his phone isn't a good indicator. He doesn't really care one way or another about it; it wouldn't be much of a loss to him if he left it. And if he really is trying to disappear he probably wouldn't want it anyways."

"Do you think he'd try to disappear because he killed someone?"

"I don't think so. I think it's more about being afraid of hurting me, or anyone for that matter. He's always been afraid of that, and I guess now he doesn't trust himself at all." Sanji stops and thinks about what Robin had said. Last night was the first time to Sanji's knowledge that he had killed someone without being ordered to, well besides the whole organization fiasco but that's different. The guy did have a gun though, as Zoro said… Wait a minute, what did Zoro do with the body anyways? What if he took his swords with him because he's doing some kind of body disposal? And he needs to… chop it up or something. Sanji shivers at that thought. It's a possibility though. He could be back later, then. He'll have to stop by again after work. Shit, work. He didn't tell anyone he left.

Sanji stands up after being on the floor for his and Robin's entire conversation and turns to his tall dark haired friend. "I should probably get back to work, I didn't tell anyone I left. Zoro's not here, there's nothing we can do now… So I guess we just wait? See if he shows up."

"That does seem to be our only option. I'll let you know if I hear anything from him."

"Thank you, Robin." The two head back out Zoro's front door and Sanji wonders if he should lock the door. He didn't check to see if Zoro had taken his keys. He decides to leave it unlocked; he's planning on coming back later today anyways.

Sanji reluctantly goes back to the restaurant. He knows he will be even more out of focus than he was earlier now that he is aware that Zoro is no where to be found. He needs to calm down. Maybe he didn't leave. As he thought earlier, he could be getting rid of a body. Or maybe he went somewhere that allows him to use his swords since he can't anymore. Or maybe he's getting rid of his swords; they're probably worth a lot, they look really nice… nah, Zoro wouldn't get rid of those, he loves them too much. Whatever it is he's doing, hopefully he'll be home when Sanji checks his apartment later.

-:-

Zoro is slowly getting the hang of riding a motorcycle with one usable eye. He had to adjust his mirrors a bit and he has to get used to turning his head and body further when checking on his left side, but as long as he stays in one lane mostly he'll be just fine. He set out early, so there aren't too many people out driving right now, perfect for him to readjust.

It feels great to ride his bike again. Zoro had missed it a lot. He hadn't been on it since he lost vision on his left side about 3 months ago. He had limited mobility around the city without being able to drive himself. And, while he will admit he does find himself confused about his surroundings from time to time, he does feel like he gets to where he needs to be faster this way than if he takes the bus. It might not be true, but that's what he likes to think.

The feel of his bike distracts him from why he's on it in the first place. He has no idea where he's even headed. He just hopped on his bike and drove, made a few turns until he found the highway and joined the other drivers headed in the same direction.

He slows his speed slightly when he notices a police car merge onto the highway behind him. He just remembered he had drank an entire bottle of whiskey before this little journey and although it isn't really impacting his driving at all since it takes a shit ton more to get him drunk, it will most definitely be on his breath. He drives cautiously until the cop turns off at another exit. He relaxes and twists the throttle as he pulls ahead of the congestion of cars. He grins as the bike's speed steadily climbs.

He drives aimlessly all day. He had no real plan to begin with, he just new he wanted to get away. Wherever away is. He needed to be away from his apartment. He needed to get away from his current state of mind. He needed a break from his life. Nothing is going right back there. So he just drives.

It's starting to get dark and he figures he should find somewhere to stop for the night and something to eat. He finds a run down diner and orders a quick meal before asking where he can find somewhere to stay. After brushing off some offers to stay in some of the admittedly very attractive diner waitress's beds (he is still with Sanji, even though he just basically ran out on him), he finds out that there's one not too far up the road, he can't miss it.

He thanks the waitresses, and after being flagged down for turning the wrong direction out onto the road, finds the motel that they had mentioned.

He settles on the bed in his room and thinks back to the last time he was in a motel similar to this one. After he slaughtered an entire building of people, and Sanji was too afraid of him to be near him.

Zoro feels guilty when he thinks of Sanji. He hopes he hasn't tried to contact him yet. He forgot his phone in his haste to get out the door. Maybe he should have left a note or something about leaving. He doesn't know when he'll be back, or if he'll go back. All of his stuff is still there, so he probably should, but its just stuff. He'll figure that out later. Right now he just wants to focus on not having to worry about anything.

He's felt great today. Riding his bike for the first time in a long time has helped tremendously. Just the act of leaving the material aspects of his life behind him felt liberating. His mind has been clear all day. He feels physically lighter, which is shocking because the food he ate at the diner was anything but light.

Shit. He knows exactly why he feels this way. He's felt it countless times before. His mood is dampened considerably when he remembers that he killed someone last night, and almost added a second to the list. This is exactly why he left. He turns on his side and hugs the pillow next to him. Well, at least he got to feel a little normal all day up until this point. He sighs and tightens his hold on the pillow while burying his face into it. He pretends he's holding onto his cook as he tries to fall asleep for the night.

-:-

Sanji shows up at Zoro's after he spent the rest of the day at All Blue doing anything he can to distract himself. He pauses outside the door before trying to open it. He takes a deep breath and hopes he'll find the shitty moss passed out on his couch. He opens the door, it was still unlocked though that doesn't necessarily mean anything, and is greeted by silence and darkness. He turns on the light next to the front door, but doesn't see Zoro. In fact he can't even tell if he's been back. He heads over to his bedroom and flicks the light on. No Zoro. And his phone is still where Sanji had left it. Sanji's heart sinks. He's really gone. He collapses onto Zoro's bed and grabs the pillows. They smell like Zoro and his stupid soap that Sanji really doubts cleans any part of him. He can feel a few tears slip past his eyelids as he holds the pillow against himself. _Please come back, Zoro._


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: Warning: Brief homophobia after the -:- it's all italicized so if you want to skip over that part, it's easy to find.**

It's been a week, a whole fucking week. And still no sign of Zoro. Where did he go? And why didn't he say anything?

Sanji has been an anxious wreck. He's been doing all he can to hold it together. He spends longer hours than normal at the restaurant, he's cleaned his apartment top to bottom multiple times already, he's probably smoked an entire convenience store's supply of cigarettes.

At least he hasn't seen anything concerning on the news lately. So Zoro hasn't killed anyone… hopefully. He doesn't like thinking about the possibility of Zoro killing someone unprovoked, or at all. He doesn't want to think that he would do that. Surely he wouldn't, right?

They've all been on the lookout for Zoro. Sanji stops by his apartment everyday to see if maybe he has been there, but nothing ever changes so if he has it's impossible to tell. Even though his phone is in his apartment they all call and text him, just in case, or so whenever he does get to his phone he'll know they've been looking for him. Sanji tried not to get everyone worried the first few days he was missing. Maybe he would be back the next day. They would all probably have reassured him that he would be back in a matter of time anyways. He's gone missing in the past and showed up later like nothing was wrong. So he waited a couple days before telling anyone else besides Robin of Zoro's disappearance.

Robin has been very busy, but she has made it clear that she is very interested in talking with Zoro once he shows up again. She had been since she found out that he had been a hit man, she had said he would make an interesting subject to question simply because of his past occupation, but now her interest has been piqued even more after hearing about Sanji's last encounter with him.

He's currently at Ace and Luffy's watching Luffy and Usopp play video games in the living room with Ace and Nami. He's itching for another cigarette, but he had just had one about five minutes ago and his pack is nearly empty. He's already going to have to stop on his way home to resupply. They're not even doing a whole lot to calm his nerves anyways; it's just a nervous habit at this point.

"Sanji, sit still."

"Hm?" The blonde looks over to Nami who is staring at his bobbing knees.

"You're legs, stop jiggling them. It's moving the entire couch."

"Sorry." He puts his hands on his knees to try and press his feet into the floor. He didn't even realize he was doing that.

"You still haven't heard anything from Zoro?" Sanji shakes his head and looks to his lap. None of them have heard anything. They're all getting a little worried, Sanji the most. "He'll show up. He always does. He's never done anything quite like this before but… I'm sure he'll show up." She gives Sanji a reassuring smile and a pat on the shoulder. They've been telling him this ever since he let them know he was gone. Sanji isn't so sure he's coming back if he hasn't already.

"You never told us why he left." Usopp has a controller in hand and his tongue sticking out in concentration while staring at the TV screen.

"I'm not really sure why, I guess because he was upset."

"Did you do something to upset him?" Luffy sacrificed himself in the game to look away from the screen so he could glare at Sanji. He means business if you hurt one of his friends, even if you are his friend.

Sanji shakes his head. "No. I didn't do anything. He… I think he's upset with himself. No, I know he is. He did something he's not happy about."

Luffy holds his gaze for a while longer before accepting that Sanji didn't directly cause Zoro to leave and focuses back on the game. "Did you guys break up?" He has a more concerned tone to his voice with this question now that he's sure Sanji didn't hurt one of his oldest friends.

"No. At least, I don't think so…" Did Sanji leaving after that whole situation count as a break up? Zoro had told Sanji to leave him if he ever hurt him, did he think that's what Sanji mean by that? Oh god, did he inadvertently break up with Zoro? He needs him to come back now more than ever to confirm that he did not mean that, he did not walk out and leave Zoro as he had requested. Shit. Why did the idiot leave his phone? Sanji leans his head back against the couch and groans.

"How do you not know?" Nami looks to Sanji quizzically.

"It's complicated. We had a bit of a… well I wouldn't quite call it a fight, but it could have led to a misunderstanding. And he left before I got to talk to him after." To be honest, the entire situation was a misunderstanding. Zoro misunderstood who Sanji was in his brain-addled state, which could have led to Zoro misunderstanding what Sanji leaving meant. Technically it was a fight, there was fighting involved, Sanji did kick the shit out of Zoro, but Sanji is not calling it a fight. They talked after, and while Zoro did yell a bit, it was more about being upset with himself than being upset with Sanji. Well he was upset with Sanji because he wasn't as upset with Zoro as Zoro was, even though on the inside Sanji was terrified of the man. But he still won't count that as a fight exactly.

"Well, then what'd he do?" Ace looks thoughtfully to Sanji. "What has him so upset that he would just disappear?"

"I'd really rather not talk about it. It's probably not something Zoro wants everyone to know about. It's not my place to say, and I wouldn't be comfortable with it even if it was." Sanji has to consciously keep his hands from finding their way to his neck. He's had to dress extra consciously to hide the bruising on his throat. He even went and bought some make up to cover it as best he could. It's hardly noticeable now unless he draws attention to it, so he tries to keep his hands off it at all times. He doesn't want to deal with the questions. It's a very uncomfortable subject. And poor Zoro is already beating himself up over it; he doesn't need all of his friends doing it too, if he ever comes back that is. Zoro's personal matters aren't his to discuss, and this is most definitely a personal matter. He is having some deep-seated mental issues right now. He really hopes the moss headed idiot is okay.

Sanji heaves a sigh and the others figure that the topic of conversation is more or less over at this point. They're not getting any more information and Sanji doesn't really have a lot for them.

It's around dinnertime anyways, and Sanji had promised the brothers, well mainly Luffy, that he would cook for them. He's been cooking up a storm the past week. It's almost meditative for him, he doesn't have to think while he does it and he doesn't want to have to think right now.

So tonight he is creating a beautiful dinner for his friends. He wouldn't normally go this all out on this bunch since they hardly appreciate the presentation or how much time he put into every dish, they mainly just scarf down the food like it's the last meal they'll ever get. But tonight he is indulging; he's been doing that for them lately. It will give him something to do instead of getting lost in shit thoughts about Zoro not being here while he watches those idiots roll around on the floor like that will help them somehow in the video game. It never does, yet they continue to do it.

He heads to the kitchen, the brothers have a fairly nice kitchen, it's separate from the living room so he gets some peace and quiet in there when everyone gets rowdy in the living room. He sets up all of the ingredients he had brought over for dinner and gets to prepping. He enjoys the simple act of prepping for a meal. It gets everything organized and ready to go. And it's a task that is so ingrained into his muscle memory he hardly even has to think about it anymore; its just soothing motions to him. He hums a tune as his knife moves up and down on the cutting board.

Nami and Ace pass through to grab a drink, Luffy pops in the ask when the food will be ready then tries to steal some food off the counter, Usopp asks the same question but proves to be slightly sneakier about the food snatching. He seems to be missing some of the things he chopped.

He finally finishes up his beautiful meal, if he does say so himself, and alerts his friends that it's ready to eat. He brings out different courses, each one more elaborate than the last, and ending with a delicious dessert made especially for each of them.

-:-

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit

FUCK.

What did he just do?

Zoro goes to run his hands through his hair in frustration but stops because, oh right, he has blood on them.

"What do I do, what do I do…"

He's standing out behind a dive bar in the middle of nowhere over a bleeding body. They're still alive; he can see a faint rise and fall of their chest that indicates breathing. They'll be ok, he thinks. He managed to stop himself before it went too far. How he did that he has no idea, but he is interminably grateful that he did. He's never actually killed anyone with just his fists before, and he would like to keep it that way.

He had gotten in a bar brawl earlier. It got so bad that they had gotten kicked out and Zoro finished the fight outside, and nearly finished off this poor guys life. He really didn't deserve that.

Ok. Maybe he kind of deserved a little of it. He had questioned why Zoro was staring at him. Zoro hadn't even noticed he was doing it, but he was. He has been subconsciously staring at people lately envisioning tearing into their flesh and watching their life drain away.

 _"What the fuck do you keep looking at?"_

 _Zoro comes back to the room and realizes that he has been staring at some low life with a potbelly for the past few minutes. He looked a little different just a second ago, his swords were sticking out of him in all different angles and he had a pool of blood around him. To be honest his voice startled Zoro, he was really deep in that thought. "Sorry." He shakes his head slightly and gives the guy a halfhearted smile in attempt to apologize for his gruesome thoughts about the man._

 _"Now you're smilin' at me? What are you some sort of faggot or something?"_

 _Zoro's entire body tenses up. He's never actually been called that before, the whole liking men thing is still relatively new to him. He really, really does not like that word. Oh, this man is going to regret that he ever saw Zoro. He slowly turns back towards the other man seated a few stools away from him. "Excuse me? What did you just call me?"_

 _The man sneers back at Zoro. "Oh, so you are one of them gays? I thought so, you were looking at me like you were going jump my bones any second there." The man spits off to the side._

 _'_ Yeah, I was', _Zoro thought, '_ Not quite how you were thinking though.' _Zoro fights to keep himself in check, he's trying really hard not to hurt anyone else, but the man just keeps on talking. He's just asking for it. "Never would have pegged you as a fairy. Why don't you get your gay ass out of here, we don't take too kindly to your types."_

 _Zoro stands up abruptly and his bar stool falls over grabbing the attention of the few other patrons in the bar. He stalks over to the frankly disgusting man, how does he even think anyone would even want to touch him he's missing teeth for crying out loud, and grabs a handful of his shirt. "Why don't you say that to me one more time." How this man thinks he even stands a chance against Zoro is a mystery, he's pretty ballsy though._

 _The lowlife laughs in his face. "Dirty fucking faggot."_

 _Zoro punched the guy in the face so hard he's surprised he didn't die right there; he lost a few more of his teeth though. Maybe that's what happened to the first few he was missing. To Zoro's surprise he got right back up off the floor and squared up to Zoro. All right this guy wants a real fight he's getting it._

 _They throw a few punches before the bartender yells at them to leave and they get thrown out the back door where Zoro beats the shit out this man. He seems to have only had a few punches in him, and what few he threw he didn't even hit hard enough to bruise Zoro. Zoro on the other hand, well his death-loving demon that has taken up residence inside his head had a field day. Up until Zoro realized how far it had gone and pulled himself back._ _Somehow._

He toes the guy with his boot to see if he'll get some kind of response out of him to maybe make himself feel a little less awful, but nothing. He leans down to make sure he is still breathing, he can't tell anymore while standing over him. Shit. He's not one hundred percent sure he's alive anymore. He needs to get out of here.

He looks at his hands and wipes them off as best he can on his shirt underneath his jacket. It almost would have been better if he had used his swords, those would be harder to trace back to him, and he wouldn't have any blood on him. At least he's not in any kind of records system that he's aware of; he's never been arrested or anything. He's not really sure how any of that works. Can they find anyone's fingerprints or DNA? Shit. And why does he have to have green hair? He isn't the most inconspicuous of people: green hair, large build, and a missing eye. Jesus. People in the bar saw him. Maybe they won't check out back for a while, or they won't care, they heard what he said to Zoro, how could he not lose control on him? The guy was an asshole. Is. He is an asshole, because Zoro didn't kill him. He is not going to believe that he killed another person.

Damn it.

He backs away from the questionably dead body and heads over to his motorcycle. He hauls ass out of there.

He doesn't know where he is so he can't call Law for dead body help, and he isn't even sure the guy is dead. Law probably wouldn't even come all the way out here to bum fuck nowhere. Oh right and he doesn't even have his phone. He is so toast.

At least this is the only mishap he's had in the past week. He's gotten really close other times, he's envisioned killing a lot of the people he's come across, but he hasn't had a reason to completely lose control like he did tonight. He's been floating around from town to town all week, but he hasn't run into anyone as idiotic as he did tonight.

Maybe he should just go home and lock himself in his apartment. He can't hurt anyone that way. His breather from his life has just gotten infinitely stressful. And high stress is not going to make any of this any better. He's going to have to cut his little expedition short.

But how does he get home? He doesn't know where he is. Whatever, right now he just needs to get far away from this place. He speeds down the road until he reaches a highway and doesn't stop until his shaking hands are hindering his driving ability too much.

He can't tell why he's shaking. It could be from the possibility of killing someone, or the possibility of getting caught because he might have killed someone: euphoria or fear. Neither is something he wants right now. It's too dark out for him to figure out how to get home right now, so he stops for the night. He's gotten far enough away that he figures he should be safe for now. He decides to pull off the highway further than he normally would for somewhere to say to lay low for a bit.

When he checks in for a room, he decides he should play it safe and he opens his left eye, throws a bandana on his head and changes his shirt. If anyone comes looking for him here, his description won't match. And thankfully he brought his stash of cash to pay with.

Oh god, it's so hard not to blink while talking to the front desk. If he blinks he'll only blink one eye. Maybe they'll think he's winking at them… Better not risk it. Fuck, just hand over the room key already.

He quickly snatches the key and turns away from the front desk let's out a sigh of relief from finally getting to blink and rub at his left eye. He makes his way to his room and heads immediately for the shower. He has no idea if there was any blood on him other than on his hands and he doesn't even check in the mirror, he doesn't want to know. He just hops in the shower without waiting for it to warm up.

He makes a mental reminder to burn his shirt before he leaves. He is having absolutely no trace of that man left anywhere near him. They've got to have matches somewhere in here.

He feels a little calmer after his shower, but he's nowhere near sleep. Whatever it is he's feeling, he needs a goddamn drink to make it stop. And right now. He happened to stop at a real hotel this time, and they have one of those pathetic mini bars, but hey it's alcohol even if he has to empty out the entire thing to get a buzz. It'll have to do; there is no way he is leaving the room right now.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: I don't have much to say about this except that this story is starting to take a turn that I wasn't expecting and I might end up scrapping what I had originally planned after writing this chapter. That being said, I'm not all too happy with how this chapter turned out but I can't figure out how to fix it, so here it is.**

Zoro has been hiding out in hotels as he slowly makes his way home. Or what he assumes is his way home; he is still not really sure where he is at the moment, not that he is going to admit that to anyone and ask for directions. Things are looking familiar though, he definitely passed through this area when he left about a week ago. Maybe. He knows he is far, far away from that bar where he fucked up big time and is feeling relatively safe now. He's been keeping an eye out for anything that would tip him off about a dead body being found, and so far: nothing. Which is a huge relief.

He hops back on his bike after leaving his most recent hotel and is back on the highway in the direction that he saw a sign point towards his home. He isn't too far away. It'll be a long drive, but at this point he just wants to get back. He's had enough of this wandering and now it's causing the opposite effect than what he had originally planned. He's in a bit of a haze currently since he's been drinking almost nonstop since that night at the bar, and he has to shake his head every now and then to get himself to focus on the road. Falling asleep is probably about the worst thing he could do while driving a motorcycle.

The sun has been down for a few hours by the time Zoro finally makes it to his apartment. He's exhausted. He heads to his bathroom first thing and sees the broken mirror all over the counter top. Right. Forgot about that. He should probably clean that up, but not right now. He'll have to buy a new mirror. He looks down at his hand that had the cuts from the mirror shards and he can't even tell where those were anymore, his knuckles are littered with cuts and bruises from the fistfight.

After finishing up in the bathroom he grabs the bag he brought with him and his swords to bring back to his bedroom. He notices his phone is sitting on his nightstand plugged into the charger. He doesn't remember leaving it there, but whatever. He should probably check that. Being gone for over a week and being unreachable has most likely freaked out all of his friends. He flicks the phone open and sees an abundance of missed calls and messages, mostly from the cook. Shit. He really should have let at least his blonde know that he was going to leave. He pulls up the cook's contact and hovers over the call button, but shuts the phone instead. He should really talk to him in person. A phone call is not going to cut it here. He glances at the clock on his nightstand; it's about 1 am. It's late, but he needs to see him now. If he waits, he's probably going to sleep the entire day and not get a chance to see him. He pockets his phone and grabs his helmet and keys and heads back out.

-:-

The cook's place is pretty damn nice, at least compared to Zoro's apartment. It's bigger, cleaner, clearly more expensive, and he doesn't have to walk up five flights of stairs to get to his door like Zoro does. The cook is always complaining about how they're at Zoro's most of the time, but that's his own fault. He's the one that comes over all the time since his restaurant is so close to Zoro's apartment.

Zoro parks his bike in the apartment's parking lot and heads over to the elevators. Zoro really does wish his place had an elevator sometimes, but he counts the stairs as a bit of a workout so he doesn't mind them. He makes it up to the seventh floor and finds Sanji's door. It's so quiet in the hallway. Everyone is asleep; it is about 1:30 in the morning. Zoro takes a deep breath and raps on the cook's door. The shitty cook better answer. While he waits for the cook to open the door he leans against the doorframe and yawns. He doesn't hear anything coming from inside so he knocks again.

 _"I'm coming dammit! Who the fuck is even here at one in the goddamn morning anyways?"_

Well there he is.

The door opens a fraction of the way and Zoro can see a barely open eye on the other side surrounded by blonde. "What do you-" The eye immediately widens and the door opens further. "Zoro…"

He can't even look at the cook. "Hey."

Immediately after the word left his mouth Zoro feels a sharp pain in his chest and a wall against his back. He's gasping for air. Sanji's door is suddenly on the other side of the hall and the cook is placing his foot back on the ground. "Shit… Ok, I guess I deserve that."

"You bet your fucking ass you do." The cook stalks out towards where Zoro landed and grabs him by the front of the shirt. Shit, the cook is a littler more angry than he was expecting. Maybe he should have rested before coming over. He is dragged inside the apartment by the shirt and the door is shut behind them with a well-placed kick from the blonde. Sanji shoves Zoro to the ground, takes a few paces, and whirls back around. "What the hell, Zoro? Do you know how worried we've all been about you? I didn't know what the fuck happened to you. The last I saw of you, you had KILLED SOMEONE and then you were gone. What am I supposed to think? Did someone come after you, did the police find you, did you disappear again? Were you going to come back? And now you just show up on my doorstep after a god damn week like nothing happened. You couldn't have left a goddamned note or grabbed your phone before you left?"

"I know, I'm-"

"Don't you dare say you're sorry. You wouldn't have been gone as long as you were if you were sorry."

"This coming from the guy who wouldn't talk to me for a fucking month?"

"That was different, Zoro."

"No it wasn't."

"You weren't afraid I was never coming home."

"I was afraid you were never going to talk to me again. Same damn thing." The two men stare at each other in silence, Zoro still on the floor where Sanji had thrown him earlier. Sanji seems to have backed down a bit after Zoro's outburst though. "I probably should have left a note or something, but it was kind of spur of the moment. I wasn't really thinking. I just needed to get away."

"Away from what?"

"Everything. Myself."

Sanji crouches down in front of Zoro with slight concern in his eyes. "Where'd you go?"

Zoro shakes his head and looks away. He knows the cook wouldn't pity him, but he doesn't like the look he's receiving right now. "I don't know. All over." He really wishes he caught the name of the city where he beat the life out of that guy so he never goes there ever again.

"Hey." Sanji's voice has been getting increasingly softer; it's now nearing a whisper. "Zoro, look at me." Zoro reluctantly looks into the cook's eyes. He really doesn't want to see the concern that the blonde has for him right now. It's really only making him feel worse. He already feels like shit between lack of sleep, over indulgence of alcohol, worrying about causing a death, and whatever the fuck is wrong with him in the first place causing all of the other problems. And it's definitely showing on his face. "Come here you shitty moss." Sanji leans forward wrapping his arms around Zoro's shoulders and pulls him into a hug. Zoro doesn't have the strength right now to hug back; he's so exhausted. So he just buries his face into the cook's neck. "You're here, you came back. That's all that matters right now." Sanji pulls back a bit and looks down at Zoro. "You look like you're about to pass out. Let's go to bed, yeah? We can talk about all this shit in the morning."

Zoro nods his head and Sanji helps him up off the floor where he had thrown him. He steers the green haired man to his bedroom and helps him get out of his clothes before pushing him down onto the bed. Zoro sighs as his back hits the mattress. He really is tired. He looks over to the other side of the bed and sees Sanji climbing under the covers. He holds his arms open for the blonde to settle down on his chest. He really has missed the cook. He feels a little more complete now that he's with him again. Sleep consumes his almost immediately after he closes his eye.

-:-

Sanji wakes up when he usually would, about six am. Zoro is of course still sleeping. He's completely dead to the world. He looks over at the moss man and sighs. As mad as he is at him, he is just so glad that he's here. He looks like shit though even in his sleep. If his disappearance was really about getting away, why does he look like he just threw himself head on into whatever shit it was he was trying to get away from?

He debates whether or not he should go in to the restaurant today. He does really need to talk to Zoro. It is Monday… he doesn't really need to be there all day. He can take at least the morning off to spend with the moss, or to yell at him. Really, what was he thinking just leaving like that, and then showing up with nothing more to say than 'hey'? He probably would have hugged the man right as he opened the door if he hadn't acted so fucking nonchalant about the situation. He elbows the idiot in bed next to him out of spite for being such a, well, an idiot. He gets a grunt in return. Damn, that man can sleep. Well he had looked like he hadn't properly slept for a week, and he probably hadn't. He probably hasn't bathed properly either he stinks too. Sanji should really make him shower when he gets up. He wrinkles his nose. How had he not noticed that earlier? He quickly checks him over to make sure he isn't actually molding or anything. He still isn't completely convinced that the green isn't anything to be worried about. He dodges a tanned arm that tries to grab him while he pokes at the man and abandons his smelly moss creature in favor of making coffee. He is tired from being up until well past two in the morning, but his body will not allow him to go back to sleep.

He gets the coffee going while thinking about what to make for breakfast. He's a little too exhausted to really make anything special, so he settles for something basic. Before he starts on breakfast though he figures he might as well take a quick shower, the moss head won't be up for a little anyways so it would be a waste to make food now.

A quick shower and a couple cups of coffee later, Sanji hears the tell tale sounds of Zoro waking up: sheets rustling, a few grunts and a sound that Sanji knows means the man is stretching. He gets up from the couch and pours him a cup of coffee. He'll most likely need it if he still looks anywhere near how he did last night. He hears heavy footsteps behind him and feels arms wrap around him and lips on his cheek. "Morning cook."

"Agh, get off me, you stink."

"I do?" Zoro lets go and of course goes on to smell himself. He makes a face that Sanji thinks means he agrees.

"When was the last time you showered?" Zoro thinks about it. He has to actually think about it. Before he can answer Sanji shoves the cup of coffee he made for him into his hands. "Here, drink this then go shower. I want to talk to you, but I would rather not pass out from your stench."

"Fuck you, cook." He gladly takes the cup and gulps down most of it before heading to the bathroom.

While the moss creature waters himself in the shower, Sanji decides he should make some breakfast and has it ready by the time he comes back out. They eat in silence; neither wanting to ruin the meal with the conversation that they know is about to happen. The food doesn't last long though and Sanji figures he will have to be the one to start talking.

"So what happened?"

Zoro looks to him confused. "What do you mean what happened?"

"I mean, why'd you leave?"

The green haired man sighs. "I already told you last night."

"That was hardly an answer. I didn't press you for more then because you looked like you were half asleep." He looks expectantly to the moss and when he makes no move to answer he continues. "So, what happened?"

"Like I said, I just needed to get away." Sanji narrows his eye at him. He knows that is not the answer he wants. "Fuck. Fine. I'll talk." The blonde lessens his glare but notices the increase in discomfort from the other man. He absent-mindedly rubs at his chest, probably where Sanji kicked him last night, and looks at his empty plate. "I guess it had a lot to do with what happened the day before I left. When that guy came, and I… hurt you." Sanji notices how guilty Zoro looks when talking about that night. He knows Zoro didn't mean to do that, he didn't think it was Sanji and he shouldn't feel so guilty. But Sanji knows a lost cause when he sees it. There is no way he can change the man's mind about that. "I really wish you hadn't been there. I really didn't want you to see me like that, ever. That's not a side of me that you should know." Zoro pauses to think about anything else he wants to say, so Sanji waits for him to gather his thoughts in silence. "It was just a build up of a lot of shit over time and I think I just… snapped. Everything in my head was just getting to be too much. I couldn't get away from it; it wouldn't stop, it just kept getting worse until it was the only thing I could think about. I just needed a break from everything." He pauses again before adding one last thought. "I'm sorry I scared you."

How can Sanji be mad at this broken man in front of him? He looks like he's falling apart at the seams. He's known the man for about a year now and been in a relationship with him for a little over 7 months, and he has slowly watched him progress to this state. He hadn't realized just how badly whatever is going on in Zoro's mind has been affecting him until now. He had known something had been wrong, but never the extent of it. It had been slow building, at least Sanji assumes, but right now it seems as though everything has come crashing down on the man at once. And all he had done was the only thing he could think to do to lessen the impact it was having on him.

Fuck work, he can't leave Zoro after seeing him like this. Sanji hates that he can't help him. He's tried, and the only thing that really seems to ever help is alcohol, but he is not indulging him with that. He has enough of a problem with it as it is. He does know he doesn't want to make him talk about it anymore. Zoro has told him countless times that he doesn't want to talk about it, and now Sanji can really see why. It's tearing him apart, and speaking out loud about whatever this is only seems to make it worse. But as much as he hates what happens to the man when he speaks about it, he really needs Robin to talk to him.

He stands up from his chair and wraps his arms around Zoro's shoulders, his face next to the green haired man's. "I forgive you." He stays there for a few silent moments longer before asking, "Are you alright?"

Zoro lets out a weak humorless laugh. "You should know the answer to that by now."

"I know. I'm just always hoping the answer will change."

"Me too." Zoro moves his hands up to hold onto Sanji's arms that are wrapped around his shoulders.

-:-

Zoro finally gets around to checking his phone's messages after spending the day with his blonde. He never wants to leave his phone anywhere for more than a few days again. There are so many messages. He avoids reading the ones from the cook, those will just make him feel bad, and after the first few he stops reading the ones from his friends because those are making him feel bad too. He doesn't even want to think about listening to the voice messages. He just deletes those on the spot.

The only ones he does listen to are the ones from work. And he really wishes he hadn't. Since he was gone for a week, and no one knew or could get in contact with him, he is now out of a job. Just what he fucking needed.

He's not worried for the short term, he still has plenty of cash from hit money, but it always takes him forever to find someone to hire him. And he does need a real job to be able to put money into his bank account, and its so much easier to pay for rent and bills and what not with a bank account instead of cash. There are a lot less questions that way.

Maybe this will give him something to keep his mind off of, well, his mind. It's been getting pretty bleak in there. His thoughts jump around between wanting to watch the blood flow out of every person he passes to wanting to crawl under his covers and stay in bed indefinitely. He needs a god damn hobby.

Maybe he could start going back to the fights.

On second thought that is a terrible idea, he will probably kill everyone he's up against, and maybe a few innocent bystanders just for kicks.

So that's out. But he would really like to be able to practice his swordsmanship. He really misses it. It's been a big part of his life. It gave him something to do when he literally had nothing to do. It took place of school for him. That's all he has. He can read at a very low level, he can write well enough, he can do some basic math, but that's about the extent of that. Which is why he can't find a goddamn job.

"FUCK." He runs his hands through his hair in frustration and notices it's really starting to get long. He should probably get Nami to cut it for him. He glances at the time on his phone. 7:12. She should be home. She doesn't even know he's back yet, so this will take care of that as well.

Some fresh air will do him good, too. So Zoro leaves with the intention of arriving at Nami's.

He heads off in the direction he assumes is the way to Nami's. It changes every time he goes over there. He decides he should probably text everyone to let them know he's home and that they shouldn't be worried about him. When he finally looks up from his phone after finishing his messages and reading the few replies he had gotten so far, he notices he is not near Nami's apartment. Probably should have paid a little more attention to where he was going. Not that that always helps.

He looks around and sees nothing familiar. He decides to walk back the way he came when something catches his eye. There's a sign on a relatively new looking business asking for employees. He thinks it couldn't hurt to check it out; he is in need of a job, and walks closer to read the information on the flyer.

It's a new martial arts academy and they're looking for instructors. Zoro's jaw drops. He has to have read this wrong. He reads it again, but it still says the same thing. Could he do that? It would give him a chance to practice his swords, but the thought of him being around children with sharp objects is a little off putting. Just as he is about to dismiss the idea from his mind he hears the door open and a woman around his age appears.

"Excuse me, sir, are you interested in applying for an instructor position?"

"Oh, uh, I'm uh, just looking." He still isn't sure if this is a great idea.

"Are you interested in being a student?"

"No, I'm already trained in kendo, I don't…" As soon as the words leave his mouth the woman grabs him and pulls him inside

"Are you any good? We could really use you. Are you sure you aren't interested? At least let me see how good you are!" He finally gets a good look at her, and stops dead in his tracks. This woman looks so familiar. He can't figure out why, but he feels like he knows her. Or someone that looks like her. He gets an instant feeling a dread. "Sir? Are you ok?"

"Yeah, you just… I'm sorry." He shakes his head. That was really weird. He doesn't know anyone that looks like her but he can't shake that feeling. "What were you saying?"

She goes over how she wants to spar with him again and hands him a wooden practice sword and leads him over to the open gym area. She can't shut up about how excited she is to meet another swordsman, and really wants to get more people into it. Zoro finally is able to clear his mind enough of that weird sensation he got when he looked at this woman to be able to spar with her. She is nowhere near his level, but good all the same. And it feels great to be able to fight like this again.

"You must accept a job! You're skills are amazing! I can't believe you weren't even thinking of applying."

Yeah, he is amazing isn't he? "Thanks, I haven't really had a chance to practice a lot lately, though." He's still unsure whether or not taking the job is a good idea. He needs to control himself, not unleash himself on a building full of untrained students.

"If you accept the job, you can use the gym anytime you want for practice."

Goddammit, how can he refuse that? "Alright."

"You'll do it?"

"Yeah, I'll do it." He is going to regret this later.

"Thank you so much, Mr. …"

"Roronoa. Zoro Roronoa." She hadn't even known his name before she tried to hire him… He hopes she doesn't own the place.

"Mr. Roronoa. I'm sorry my name is Tashigi. I completely forgot to introduce myself." She looks around and glances at a clock on the wall. "Oh, it really is getting late, I should probably let you go. When can you start?"

"Anytime I guess."

"Great, well, how about you come by tomorrow morning, the owner should be in then and we can sort everything out."

"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow, then." He turns to leave, but stops when he realizes he has no idea where this place is. He turns back around in slight embarrassment. "Uh, I kind of found this place on accident, would you mind giving me the address?" She writes it down for him on a sheet of paper and he exits the building.

Well, that was easy. He got a new job and gets to practice his swords while he's at it.

He really hopes he doesn't get that weird feeling every time he sees her though. What was that even about?

He looks at his phone and notices it really is getting late. It's just past nine; they sparred for a while. It's dark now though, and he has absolutely no idea how to get home. He swallows his pride and gives Nami a call; he was going to see her anyways so he might as well get her to pick him up and get a quick haircut out of it.


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: Quick update this time! Zoro FINALLY calls Robin and gets some early morning smut in with Sanji at the end. Also, forgot to mention this earlier, so I apologize to anyone who read the chapter without me putting this warning out there: there is brief mention of self harm near the end.**

Zoro officially becomes an employee of the martial arts academy the next day. The owner didn't actually end up coming in, but Tashigi had said that she spoke with him and everything was ready to go to hire him. He's supposed to start in a week, but that is if he gets enough students signed up for a class, or any for that matter. They had some interested students, but no one had signed up for classes yet because they didn't have an instructor. Now that he's a part of the academy though, she said they are sure to have plenty of students.

He just needs to make sure he won't hurt any of them. Maybe he really should listen to what the cook said and talk to Robin, at least for his students' sake.

With a resigned sigh, Zoro leaves his new place of employment and pulls out his phone. Robin has always been hounding him to talk to her ever since she met him, she will be more than thrilled that he is reaching out to her willingly.

It's like she just knew there was something wrong with him the moment she laid eyes on him. She probably did, she has some kind of weird sensors that allow her to pick up on stuff like that.

He shakes off the slightly creepy feeling he gets when thinking about Robin and decides he should call her. He is really getting to a place where he can't help himself anymore. He's worrying the cook too.

He places the phone to his ear and takes a deep breath. He is about to willingly ask for help.

 _"Hello?"_

"Robin? It's, uh, Zoro."

 _"Yes, I saw from my caller ID. How are you, Zoro?"_

Sometimes he isn't sure if she's making fun of him or not. "Right. I'm, uh… not so great actually. That's why I'm calling."

 _"Oh."_ She pauses briefly and the line is silent with the exception of what Zoro assumes is paper rustling. _"I'm actually free for the afternoon if you would like to drop by."_

Right now. He doesn't even get to prepare himself for this. He takes another deep breath. "Ok. I can do that… I guess." He adds the last part under his breath.

 _"How long do you think it will take for you to get here?"_

"Um…" Shit he has no idea; he's still learning how to get to this part of town.

 _"Why don't I come pick you up? I know how you have a habit of getting yourself turned around."_ She adds a muffled laugh to her sentence. Does he really want to talk to her? _"Where are you now, Zoro?"_

He gives her the address of the academy and she informs him that she will be there in about fifteen minutes. He settles himself against the side of the building and starts to doze off until he hears a familiar voice call his name. He opens his eye and sees Robin pull up in her sleek black sedan. He hauls himself off the ground and into her car.

"Hey, Robin."

"It's good to see you made it back to town in one piece." He responds with an embarrassed smile.

The rest of the drive is mostly silence between the two. Neither minds the silence, but Zoro is pretty sure she is saving up anything she could say until they get to her place so she can keep a record of his responses. That is why he contacted her after all.

They make it to her apartment complex after a short drive and Zoro follows her up to her unit. He can't believe he is actually doing this. Willingly talking about what has been plaguing him for the past, what has it been now, nine years?

She sits him down in her living room. She has a few chairs set up as well as a couch around a low table right next to a large floor to ceiling window that looks out over the city. She heads into her kitchen to make some coffee for the two of them; she constantly drinks the stuff, its like it runs through her veins. When she comes back and sets down the cups, Zoro is doing all he can to breath calmly.

She turns to him with a small smile. "There is no need for you to be nervous Zoro. Don't think of this as a professional setting. It most certainly is not. I just happen to be a friend of yours who can help sort out your thoughts."

"I know." He runs a hand over his face. "It's the letting you hear about my thoughts is what's freaking me out."

"Believe me, Zoro, anything you tell me will not freak me out." Zoro gives her an unconvinced look. "I'm serious. I've heard some pretty troubling things. And Sanji has actually informed of some of your troubles." His eyes widen at that bit of information. What has the cook been telling her? "He had asked me to talk to you the day you disappeared. That's actually how we figured out you were missing, you were not there when I showed up to your apartment. I had asked him a few questions and he had informed me of what had transpired the night before your disappearance. I must say, I am rather intrigued by you, Zoro."

"What did he tell you about that…?"

"Nothing more than what you will tell me soon enough." She gives him another smile and reaches for her coffee. He does the same if only for something to do. He's getting a little fidgety. Why is this woman so… omniscient? "So, where should we begin? I feel as though I hardly know your story. How about you fill me in on what happened prior to your employment by the organization."

Why does she need to know about that? The organization is what got him into this mess. Whatever, he might as well appease her. "Well, I grew up without a home; I'm sure you've heard that. Lived on the streets until I was about 18 when I joined the organization. There's not much before them."

"Oh I'm sure there is plenty before them. You grew up with no family correct?"

"Yeah, I didn't have anyone."

"And you don't remember why do you?" Zoro shakes his head no. "What's the first thing you can remember?"

Zoro's never really thought about that before. What is his oldest memory? He's quiet for a few moments trying to reach back. "I don't know, it all just kind of blends together. It's hard to pick any one thing out." He looks up to Robin's eyes and she gives him an encouraging look. "All I can really remember from then is feeling hungry. Being cold and… alone." He really hates thinking about back then, before he really knew how to survive. He feels a shiver run down his spine as he remembers what it was like. It was awful. "I try to forget that part of my life."

"That's quite a stark contrast to your life now. I believe your cook would never let you go hungry or alone."

Zoro smiles at that. "Nah, he wouldn't." Damn it how did she do that? She got him to go from feeling like nothing from a memory to smiling. He glares at her. She is going to get everything out of him isn't she?

She gives him a warm smile to counter his glare.

Just as Zoro thought, she got him to talk about his childhood, or lack thereof. He still believes that there is nothing to tell, what is there that needs to be known besides the fact that he lived on the streets until he was 18? But somehow she got him to go into detail about that part of his life. He's never actually done that before. It left him feeling a little numb, much like he had back then. Robin seemed to notice his shift in mindset.

"How about we stop here for now. There is plenty more for us to discuss, but I see no point in going into all of it right now." Zoro breathes a sigh of relief. He never wants to go into that much detail about that part of himself again. He's not exactly sure how this is supposed to help, but he supposes he just has to trust that Robin knows what she's doing. "I'm always free this time on Tuesday and Thursday if you would like to come on those days and we can continue."

"Are you sure? I don't want to take up your breaks."

"Oh, there is no need for you to feel bad. I have plenty of off time, and what kind of friend would I be if I didn't make some time for you?"

Zoro feels a wave of gratitude wash over. "Thank you." He closes his eye and drops his head slightly. No matter how many times it happens, when his friends show how much they really care about him it always hits him hard. He had a lifetime of being by himself that the amount of love and support he receives is overwhelming sometimes. He opens his eye after a moment and looks back at Robin. "Oh, actually, I'm not sure when I'll be free. I just started a new job and I don't have a schedule yet."

"Just let me know when you figure it out. What happened to your old job?"

"I, uh, left for a week without telling anyone… remember?"

"That will definitely put you out of a job. What are you doing now?"

"I'm going to be teaching at that martial arts place you picked me up at. They were really impressed that I'm a swordsman, hired me on the spot."

"Oh, so you will be teaching children with sharp blades? Let's hope you don't cut any of them." Trust Robin to be the one to voice his darkest fear.

-:-

Zoro has been working at his new job for a week now. There was actually a good amount of people who wanted to sign up for the class he is supposed to teach and he started right away. He was initially really nervous about it because he didn't know how he was going to react when given a sword and let loose in front of an entire class, but things have actually been going pretty well. He hasn't hurt anyone yet, except for when he demonstrates something and forgets that he's in a class and hits a little too hard, but no one's gotten more than a bruise, or seriously injured yet. Thankfully he's using a practice sword and not his real ones.

While he's instructing, Zoro gets so focused on the sword movements that he pays less attention to the thoughts niggling in the back of his mind. They are still well within his attention, but taking up a little less of it. It's taken some practice, but he has definitely gotten better at pushing them back down a bit while he's at work.

He's gotten more used to Tashigi as well. He still feels a little uneasy around her, and he still can't figure out why. It's driving him nuts, not that it was a far stretch really, but it's gotten a lot easier to be around her. Her presence still makes him feel uncomfortable though. Despite her being at a lower level swordsmanship wise, there are a few things that she wants to teach him. The main one being meditation. He had never gotten into it when he was younger, and he never stuck with swords training long enough to be properly introduced to it. And while she is teaching him how to properly do it for better sword handling, and he is definitely using it for that, he has also found that it can be utilized outside of training for him. It's mainly how he has gotten better at pushing down the thoughts while working.

He still feels like shit most of the time, but when he's at work he does feel slightly better.

He's also talked to Robin again this week. They figured out a schedule for themselves between both of their work hours. She is fully supportive of Zoro trying to use meditation to quell his unsavory thoughts. They haven't quite gotten to any of the details of his current state of mind, but he is pretty sure she has an idea since she had talked to Sanji. She has most recently had him recount his time as a hit man and reveal how he feels after a kill. She had to drag that out of him, though. She was very interested in that. She asked him a lot of questions and watched him very closely when he spoke about it. Zoro had to tell her that he needed to end the session, he was getting a little worked up and he is not very in control of himself anymore. He had to make a pit stop at the liquor store on his way home afterwards.

Currently, Zoro is sitting in his living room practicing meditation while waiting for the cook to bring dinner over. The cook makes fun of him for it, so he does it when he isn't around. He's still trying to figure it out, and he doesn't get very deep a lot of the time, but this session feels a little different.

He loses all feeling of connection to the outside world and is solely focused inward. There's just nothing. No thoughts to battle with. And it's refreshing. He's not sure how long he's been in this state, but he feels at peace with himself.

Until he sees a face that looks eerily like Tashigi's only a lot younger. He gets a debilitating sense of horror as she materializes in his mind's eye. He pulls out of his meditative state so fast that he's a little dizzy. He lets out a surprised yelp and falls to the side. What the fuck was that?

He takes a deep breath and rights himself. "What the fuck…"

"Hey moss head, you hurt yourself thinking too hard?"

"When did you get here?" The cook is in the kitchen doing what he does best. Well one of the things he does best. Was Zoro really out for that long? He could have sworn he still had an hour until the cook was going to be here.

"I don't know, maybe 20 minutes ago. I've been trying to get your attention for at least 15 of those."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, you were dead to the world. Much like when you sleep, only sitting. Come grab a plate, food is ready." Zoro gets himself off the ground and heads to the kitchen. He has no idea what the cook made for him, but whatever it is it smells great. He never questions it. "So did I finally scare you out of your, what do you call that, swordsman sleep? Or is that always how you come back to the world?"

He frowns at the cook. "It's meditation you fuck. This is why I try to do that before you get here. But no, I don't know what that was." He directs his attention to his food momentarily before asking the blonde a question. "Do you ever get the feeling you know someone, but you've never met them before in your life?"

"Yeah, some people just have those faces. Why, that happen to you today?"

"Yeah. That must be it I guess." He doesn't feel like explaining Tashigi to the cook. No need to let him think Zoro is even crazier than he already is. There's something really weird about that though. And that girl he saw while meditating.

"Hm. Well, how are you doing today?" The cook has made a habit of asking this question almost every day. After Zoro returned from his hiatus he has been a lot more interested in keeping tabs on Zoro's mental state.

"No better, no worse." He's figured out he won't get out of answering the question so he doesn't fight it anymore.

The cook looks satisfied with the answer. He's just happy that he isn't doing any worse. Zoro's happy about that too, worse means he starts acting out the fantasies he gets when staring at people.

They spend the rest of their evening on the couch; Zoro drinking beer and then falling asleep on the cook's shoulder while Sanji watches whatever he finds so interesting in the cooking channel until the cook shoves Zoro off of him to relocate to the bed.

Zoro is glad he got that nap in, because he is now wide-awake. He had another one of those dreams where he kills Sanji, very vividly. He hasn't had one of those since the first one. He checks to make sure the blonde is still breathing, and then finds himself in the kitchen with a bottle of whiskey. He slides down against his cabinets and sits on the kitchen floor. He very nearly did what happened in his dream a couple weeks ago. He would never be able to live with himself if that happened. He knows exactly what it feels like, he's woken up with the feeling twice already. He thunks his head against the cabinet and takes a long drink. He's not going to be going back to bed for the rest of the night.

He continues drinking down a couple bottles until he spots the block of knives above him on the countertop and contemplates what would happen if he sliced into his own skin. Would he get the same rush? Would it ease the urges, and stop all the fantasies? Maybe if he directs the impulses against himself that would satisfy them enough to not want to harm others.

He had totally lost track of time in his drunk and self-loathing state of mind and is completely surprised when the cook walks into the kitchen looking down at him. Zoro stares back with a knife in hand. He hadn't noticed he actually grabbed one.

"Zoro? What are you doing up?" Sanji looks to him through the half closed eyes of a yawn.

He looks to the cook in confusion. "What time is it?"

"It's like 6 a.m. Are you drunk?" The blonde motions to the couple of bottles next to Zoro. "Seriously? It's six fucking am, Zoro. Don't you work today?"

He does work today. When did it get to be morning? "Shit. I didn't notice what time it was. I couldn't sleep."

"How long have you been out here for?"

"I don't know. A while I guess." Zoro shrugs and glances down at the bottles.

"Zoro… you just got this job, you don't want to start showing up drunk yet."

"Is there an acceptable time to?" If there is, he would love to know.

"I don't know, maybe when they realize they can't fire you because no one else in the modern world knows how to use a sword properly." That's actually a good point. Not something he will probably act out, though. "But in all seriousness, how drunk are you right now?"

"Not as drunk as I could have been. I'll be fine in a few hours when I need to leave though."

"Are you sure? I can drop you off if you're not."

"Nah, I'll be fine cook."

Sanji sits down next to him against the cabinets. "Is that a knife?"

He looks to the utensil in his hand. "Yeah."

"What are you doing with it?" The cook's voice is mocking, but Zoro can tell there's an underlying tone of worry.

"Nothing." Zoro moves to place the knife on the floor. He should not voice what he was about to do with it.

"Don't put it on the floor, you idiot! That's clean." Sanji snatches the knife out of Zoro's hand and places it on the counter before settling back down and looking over to Zoro. "Why couldn't you sleep?"

He leans against the cook and nuzzles into the blonde hair. "Bad dream."

"What about?" Sanji grabs his hand and intertwines their fingers.

"I hurt someone." He isn't even entertaining the idea of telling the cook what the dream was really about.

"It was just a dream." The blonde reaches up with his free hand to bring Zoro's lips to his own.

Zoro doesn't move away when Sanji breaks off the kiss. He speaks against his lips. "I know. Still makes me feel like shit though." Zoro resumes the kiss and immediately moves to deepen it when the cook responds. He wraps an arm around the blonde's waist and guides him into his lap. "You want to help me burn off some of that alcohol?"

The blonde lets out a laugh. "What do you have in mind?"

"We haven't done it on the kitchen floor yet…" He bites at Sanji's neck.

"No, we haven't…"

Zoro grins against the cook's throat and thrusts his hips upwards to grind their groins together. The blonde lets out a breathy moan at the contact. He can feel himself getting hard just from the cook sitting in his lap like this. He runs his hands under the t-shirt the cook had slept in and up his chest. He pushes the fabric up and over his head and arms. He immediately starts attacking the chest that has just been exposed in front of him. He can feel Sanji grabbing at the waist band of his pants and trying to pull them off of him, so he reluctantly leans back from the contact he had with the other man's chest just long enough to get the pants pushed down his legs while the cook does the same for himself. Sanji is about to sit back on his lap when realizes they need something to continue.

"Just grab something from the counter, cook. Get back down here."

"No, those are nice oils, it'll take me two seconds. I'll be right back."

"Cook..." Zoro impatiently waits the few moments it takes the cook to run back to the bedroom. It was definitely longer than two seconds.

"Quit whining, I'm back." He quickly pulls the blonde back down.

"I'm not whining."

"Oh really?" The cook stands back up.

"Fine I am, just get back here." The blonde drops back to his lap with a snicker. "Shut up."

"You are so god damn needy sometimes."

"This is the first time I've heard you complain about it. Give me that." He snatches the bottle away from the cook and pours a little on his fingers. He rubs his fingers together as he reaches down between their bodies while leaning up to catch to cook's lips with his. He teases the cook a bit before pressing in. He continues to quickly stretch out the cook while never breaking their kiss. When he feels the blonde squirming to be filled with more, he blindly grabs for the bottle of lubricant so he can apply some to himself before lining up and pulling the blonde down onto him.

"Fuck, Zoro." The cook places his hands on Zoro's shoulders and uses their placement for leverage to raise himself off of Zoro and slam back down. Zoro keeps his hands firmly on Sanji's hips as he helps him pump himself in and out, and as a way to ground himself because the cook just feels so damn good. Zoro is so glad the cook has that ridiculous leg strength because he hardly even has to do anything in this position. He is just feverishly impaling himself on Zoro, and it is so fucking hot.

"As much as I love how you look when you're doing this, I'm pretty sure I'm the one who is supposed to be working off that liquor." He kisses down Sanji's neck before wrapping his arms around him and standing up in the same movement. The cook quickly locks his legs around Zoro's waist so he doesn't fall. The green haired man shoves the cook down on top of the counter. Zoro keeps a hold on Sanji's hips while he begins thrusting into the cook while pulling the blonde's body to meet the thrusts. He tries a few angles until he finds what he is looking for. The cook practically screams out his name and Zoro grins. He aims for that spot and increases his pace. Leaning over the cook, Zoro bites at his shoulders and moves his way down to his heaving chest leaving marks as he goes.

"Mm, Zoro, don't leave… shit, I don't even fucking care, I'm so close." At that, Zoro reaches down and wraps his hand around the cook. He almost instantly comes from the contact. Zoro's gotten really good at getting him off without touching him. But Zoro isn't there yet. He keeps thrusting harder; the cook is practically boneless beneath him. With one last long motion of his hips, Zoro feels pleasure wash over his entire body. His hips stay for a moment as he empties into the cook before he slowly brings himself down from the high with a few extra thrusts. He collapses over top of the cook and traps him on the counter top.

"You feel sober yet?"

"Mm, not quite yet." He gives Sanji's ass a tight squeeze.

Its safe to say, by the time Zoro reaches work, all traces of alcohol had worked their way through his system.


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: I'm uploading another chapter today, because hey I finished another so why not. And I got a renewed inspiration today for this story. Again, there's some self harm in here, and this will probably be that last chapter that says anything on it too deeply for anyone who would rather avoid that topic. Enjoy the double posting!**

"You said you keep seeing someone when you meditate?"

"Yeah. A little girl."

"You don't know who she is?"

"I have no idea. She looks a lot like my coworker actually… But I just met her a few weeks ago, there's no way it could be her."

Zoro had mentioned to Robin about an image he sees while deep in meditation. He has progressed very quickly in meditation; Robin is very surprised at how fast he picked it up. But this girl really seems to be troubling him. He always gets a look of apprehension when he speaks about her.

"Does she ever say anything to you?" From what she had gathered about Zoro's subconscious so far, she would not be all too surprised if he had a figure in his mind that spoke to him. He has very troubling thoughts, and if he doesn't want to believe that these thoughts are his own, then maybe he fabricated something and envisions the thoughts originating from that source.

"No. It's like she's just looking at me." Zoro's face is pinched in deep concentration like he is trying to recall the image without summoning a deep meditative state. "It's almost like…" He lets out a deep sigh and runs a hand through his green hair. "Why do I feel like I know who she is?"

"Maybe you do."

"I didn't know anyone when I was little, though. I had no friends. It makes no sense for me to know a little girl." He slumps down in the chair across from her and closes his eye in frustration.

Zoro has been getting increasingly frustrated as their sessions progress. She can tell speaking about himself at this personal of a level is really straining on him, but it must be done. Robin has gotten Zoro to explain what he is currently feeling, why he felt the need to seek her help in the first place. And while she was aware that the man has a subconscious violent streak, Sanji had told her about the night he tried to kill him after all, she was not quite aware how strongly this feeling had been affecting him. The constant need to control himself from lashing out at strangers, the bloodlust, the dreams he's had about hurting others and especially his cook. He doesn't feel like anyone is safe around him, that's a large part of why he disappeared for a week; he was terrified that he might do something regrettable if he stayed.

And now he is suddenly seeing a vision of a little girl that he can't place. The poor man is at the end of his rope. He thinks he is positively committable, and he very well may be, but Robin would really like to keep that from happening.

Robin stands from her chair to make some tea for her green haired friend. He needs something to calm down with. She decides to give him a break and speaks of other topics while she prepares a cup for him. She has found that speaking of Sanji is usually the best way to ease his mind.

She can see that Zoro is not up for continuing today and sends him home. Once he gets into a certain headspace there is no coming back for a while.

After he leaves, she settles down on her plush couch with a cup of coffee and reflects on what he has told her. Her friend really is an interesting person, she is very glad he finally decided to come to her. And as much as she would just like to pick his brain for personal interest, she really does need to focus on helping the man. She has been on a search for what could have provoked these thoughts in Zoro. Where did they come from? He feels that they originated from the organization. He only ever felt any sense of bloodlust after joining them. But Robin knows it must have come from something else. His brain was altered in some way, and simply joining a group would not have been a strong enough catalyst to do that. Killing countless people will turn a man emotionless and elicit strong feelings of regret and self-loathing, but there is so much more to Zoro's troubles than just those.

She has found out a great deal about the man. He refused to ever speak of his past before; there wasn't a single one of them who could say they knew where Zoro had come from. But now Robin knows almost everything about him. She uses this information to try and piece together the puzzle that has become Zoro.

The only thing she doesn't seem to know about him is what he doesn't know about himself. He has no idea who his family was. She gets curious and pulls out her laptop. None of them had ever thought about looking up their friend. He likes his privacy, and the thought had never really crossed their minds and he doesn't seem too interested about looking himself up. She navigates to a database of newspaper articles and types in 'Roronoa' in the search bar. Perhaps something will appear.

Nothing catches her eye at first. The last name isn't all that common, but there is nothing that screams Zoro's family to her. She narrows her search down to the city that Zoro said he came from. He may or may not have been born there, but it doesn't hurt to look.

Her heart stops in her chest when she comes across the article she's looking for.

She is now tasked with the decision of whether or not she tells him.

-:-

Sanji is so glad Zoro decided to finally speak with Robin. Like he is over the moon that the man has taken it upon himself to seek help. He's finally realized that he can't do this alone anymore.

But that does not mean Sanji likes to be around Zoro after he comes back from Robin's. Whatever she says to him or does to him makes him one moody ball of moss. He's started contemplating not stopping by on those days, but that will definitely mean the moss won't be eating dinner so he drags himself to the small apartment and prepares himself for what he'll find.

Most days he finds the stupid green monster meditating on the floor. He's been losing track of time when he does this and gets frustrated every time he realizes Sanji made it inside the apartment without him knowing. Sanji has stopped poking fun at him for it; he knows it helps and making fun of him for that is just mean.

Today is just like most days. He enters Zoro's meager apartment and finds him seated with his eyes closed. He doesn't even bother trying to speak to him. He's holding one of his swords across his lap today. That's new. He did say this practice was mainly for swordsmanship so Sanji supposes it's not too surprising. He disregards the man and heads over to the kitchen to start prepping for dinner. The moss head starts stirring not too far into slicing the first few ingredients.

"Hey, how was Robin's?" All Sanji receives in response is a grunt. Yep, he's in the post-Robin funk. He seems to eye Sanji warily before grabbing his sword and heading to his bedroom. He can hear the man putting his sword away then heading to the bathroom for a bit. Sanji sighs. Maybe he should just make the moss an extra meal the day before he goes to Robin's so he doesn't have to bother him in this state. He doesn't seem to be appreciating Sanji's presence right now.

Zoro reappears just as dinner is finished. Sanji notices he's not using his right hand for anything. He grabs the plate and utensils with his left then placing them on the table before grabbing a drink, again with his left hand. Usually he'll grab all of that at once. He brushes off the occurrence; maybe he's just being absent minded.

It isn't until he notices that his hand is wrapped up in some sort of bandage that he realizes he's been only using his left hand on purpose.

"What happened to your hand?"

Zoro quickly hides his hand. "Nothing. Hurt it at work."

"How'd do you do that?" Sanji is trying to make some kind of conversation with the man. He knows he probably won't get more than curt responses tonight and Zoro does not disappoint.

"Cut it."

Sanji sighs. "Is it deep?" Zoro just shrugs in response. "Can I see it?" If the cut really is deep he may need stitches, and Sanji knows Zoro will not receive them on his own.

"It's fine cook. Leave it."

Sanji decides it probably is better to just leave it and returns his attention to his plate.

-:-

He knew the cook was coming over tonight. He always does, but he was just so curious. He really should have waited until he had more time alone.

He should have known Sanji would ask about his hand. It's kind of obvious since he has a poorly wrapped bandage around his palm. He just needed to see, though.

Before he began his meditation and after coming home from Robin's, Zoro sat on the floor with one of his swords; his favorite one, the white one. He unsheathed it and placed it across his lap and just stared at it.

If he is going to try this, he might as well use one of his swords and not the kitchen knives. He grabbed the grip with his left hand and held his right out palm up. He slowly lowered the blade to his skin and dragged the sharp edge across his palm. He watched the blood ooze out of his hand then dropped his head back in bliss.

It stung, and it hurt, but it felt so good. He quickly pulled himself together.

He wanted to see if that would do anything, but now that he knows how that feels, he almost regrets trying. It seems all his mind wants to see is blood. It doesn't matter where it comes from. He's not sure if this is a good revelation or not.

He decided to sort that out later. His subconscious seemed satiated for the moment, and since he didn't actually hurt someone he didn't feel the need to drown out the sensation. He instead closed his eye and dropped himself down into that state of mind that he's come to really enjoy. He always waits for the girl to show up and does all he can to hold onto her and keep her within reach; he wants to figure out who she is. Why hadn't he ever had anything to do with her before he met Tashigi?

But every time he gets close, she's always just out of reach, his concentration breaks and he's back in his living room.

The cook is there as usual when he comes out of it, and he needs to clean up his hand before he sees him. He's not so sure the cook will be enthused about finding another outlet for his problems. He makes some kind of response to the cook's question; he didn't really hear it and quickly goes to put away the sword so he can clean up his hand. The cut doesn't seem too deep, but he's trying to finish this up quickly so he doesn't raise any questions and he doesn't look too closely. He washes it off and hisses at the stinging sensation the water causes when it runs over the slice. He finds some left over bandages from when he had to cover his eye and wraps his hand up hastily.

The cook ends up asking questions about his hand, and Zoro keeps thinking about how this was probably not the best time do try this out. He lies and says he hurt it while at work. It's plausible at least. The combination of his new revelation and seeing Robin today has made him a little grumpy. He tries to not be quite so cold with the cook, but he's having a hard time. He eventually just gives in and decides it's time for him to go to sleep. He's had a long day. He does make sure to give the blonde an apologetic kiss for being so hard to deal with today before heading off to bed.

-:-

Robin is having a tough time with what she wants to do about Zoro. On one hand, this is the man's life, it's his family and he has a right to know about them. But on the other hand, this could bring back terrible memories that he clearly did some work to bury a long time ago. He may not want to know. And it may make him worse if he knows.

But Robin is pretty sure this is why he is the way he is. She's read over the article countless times, she knows it by heart, she's looked into other sources and they all give the same devastating information. She is going to have to ask him if he wants to know. She's not sure if she should tell him, but if he wants to know then he should know. He could easily find the information himself, it didn't take her long to find it. It isn't like he had no means of finding out. He may not want to know and it would be disrespectful of her to reveal the information if he feels that way. But he also needs to know because knowing and dealing with it is what could possibly help him.

He had said he wanted to speak with her about something as well. When they see each other next, they will definitely have a lot to talk about.

-:-

Zoro is dreading his next session with Robin. He had called her and told her he needed to talk to her about something. He knows hurting himself is only going to add another problem to his list of shit and he does not really want to keep that up. He needs her to help him with that.

But he does not want to talk about it.

He is sitting in her living room again, where he finds himself once a week, waiting for her to get her usual coffee prepared. She sits down again and focuses on him. She has a different expression today, something he isn't used to seeing on her. He doesn't think he's ever seen it on her.

"There was something you wanted to talk to me about?"

Well, it's now or never. If he doesn't just say it he never will. "Yeah. I, uh… thought maybe this would help." He shows his palm to her. It has a nasty looking wound still. It's healing, but it's a lot deeper than he had originally thought so it's taking its time.

Her eyes widen at the sight. "What is that from?"

"One of my swords." He can't look her in the eye. He's ashamed that he did that. It felt so good at the time, but he doesn't want people to know about it. And he doesn't want to keep that up. He doesn't know how far he might accidentally take it. Getting carried away with meticulously sharpened steel isn't smart.

"You did this yourself?" Robin reaches out and gingerly touches the wound. Zoro nods.

"I thought maybe if I did it to myself it would keep me from doing it to anyone else."

"And what was the result?"

"It felt really good." He pulls his hand back to his lap and rubs at it with his other hand. "I don't want to keep doing that though. I was just curious. I don't want to take it too far on accident. I wanted you to tell me something that would make me not want to do that again, or something." He trails off the end of his sentence, not really sure what he wanted Robin to do about it.

"You don't want to keep doing that? Well, that's already something to keep you from continuing. And now that you've told me, I will definitely do what I can to make sure you don't continue. I am rather intrigued to find that harming yourself gives you the same pleasure as harming others, though. There seems to be a lot to this."

Zoro could have told her that. She continues asking him questions regarding how he felt after cutting his hand and relating it to how he feels after a kill, or inflicting some kind of injury on another person. She adds a lot of hm's and nods of her head as he speaks. He really wants to know what that is supposed to mean. It's like she's been gathering information up every time they speak and she's waiting for the perfect time to unleash her findings all at once on him. As much as he doesn't want to know what is wrong with him, now that he's actually talking about all of this he's a little curious himself.

Robin finishes her line of questions regarding that topic and becomes very quiet. She stands up and walks to another room and comes back with a piece of paper in her hand then takes her seat again. She looks over the paper then back at Zoro all without saying a word.

"What is that?"

She hands the paper over to Zoro. "Do you recognize any of these people, Zoro?"

He takes the paper. It has a black and white image of four people like a family portrait on it. He doesn't recognize anyone, but when his eyes reach the little girl in the picture his jaw drops.

"That's her."

"Who?"

"This girl, that's the girl I've been seeing? Who is this?"

"You recognize her?"

"Who is she? Tell me who she is!" Zoro can't believe this; Robin found a picture of that little girl. Who the hell is she? He's using every ounce of control he has to keep from demanding Robin to tell him who this is. He needs to know, it's been torturing him for weeks now.

Robin pulls the paper from his hands and looks down at it again. She takes a deep breath and still refuses to tell him who this girl is. She seems to change the topic instead. "After you left last time you were here, I thought I might do some digging. I was curious about your past and what you were unable to remember. I ended up finding something you may or may not want me to tell you about."

"What do you mean?" Why can't she just tell him? What did she find out about him that he didn't already know? And who the fuck is this girl? Why won't she tell him?

"Do you want me to tell you, Zoro? I'm not sure how this is going affect you. I want to warn you before you answer that this could have negative affects." She looks to him with a serious gaze. How much more negative can his mind be at this point?

"Tell me."

"You're sure?"

"Robin…"

"Alright." She once again looks down at the image, studies it briefly then looks back to Zoro. "This picture, this family… You see the little boy here?" Zoro nods, of course he does. "That's you."

"What?" There's no way that could be him. "Let me see that."

She hands him the paper again and he holds on it with slightly trembling hands and looks over it disbelievingly. It's black and white so he can't tell by hair color; hardly any one has green hair that would have been a dead giveaway. He doesn't really know what he looked like when he was younger. He didn't grow up with mirrors and pictures of himself after all. So he can't exactly compare what he remembers.

"How is this me?" He looks up to Robin, begging her to explain herself.

"Zoro, this is your family. That little girl, that's your sister."

He sits in stunned silence as he stares back at the image; his heart is beating so quickly he can feel it hammering in his chest, his breathing is getting rough. His sister? He has a family? Why doesn't he remember them? Where'd they go?


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: So I lied in the last author's note; there is more self harm in this chapter. This chapter is a lot longer than normal, I couldn't figure out where to stop it.**

 **But on an unrelated note: GUESS WHO'S GOING TO CHINA THIS FALL.**

 **It's me.**

After leaving Robin's, Zoro heads back to the martial arts academy. He isn't working the rest of the day, but he really just wants to use the gym. He needs to clear his head. He's pretty sure there aren't any classes right now in at least one of the rooms, so he can definitely use one and not be bothered.

He has a lot on his mind right now.

Robin just dropped a bomb on him.

How did she even find that? Where did she find that?

That picture… That was his family. He had pretty much just accepted that he would never know who they were, what they looked like, or what happened to them. He had pretty much accepted that he just never had a family. He had spent some time thinking up different reasons for why he didn't have one, but he always ended with the same conclusion that he just didn't have one, because he didn't.

And now all of a sudden he does. It's a weird feeling. He spent so much time thinking they just didn't exist. And Robin proved that wrong. They very much do exist. Or they did. Zoro still doesn't know what happened to them. Robin didn't tell him yet.

She said she wanted him to take in the information slowly. She isn't sure how he will react. And she thought since he was able to remember his sister after seeing Tashigi had jogged his memory, that maybe after seeing this picture of his family he will be able to remember his parents, too.

Robin said she would rather him try to remember as much as he can so when he finds out what happened it won't be as much of a shock. Remembering everything all at once will probably be difficult to handle.

He finds his way back to his place of employment and steps through the doors. He ignores the teenaged guy that always tries to chat him up at the front desk and heads straight for one of the back rooms.

"Zoro! What are you doing here, aren't you finished for the day?" Tashigi. He does not want to see her right now. Now that he knows who she reminds him of. His whole body becomes rigid at the sound of her voice.

"Just came back to use the gym." He doesn't turn around to greet her. But she still seems to be following him.

"Oh, well do you want a sparring partner? I'd be happy to-"

"No." He didn't mean to say it quite so harsh, but he really can't see her right now.

"Oh, alright."

"I'm sorry, I have a lot on my mind right now. I need to just… alone." He motions towards his destination and continues walking to the room he was headed for.

He hadn't even thought about seeing Tashigi when he decided to come back here. This was probably not the best idea, but he really needs to focus his mind on other things right now.

He doesn't have his own swords with him, so he settles for the training swords. They work just as well, but it's not quite the same. He debates whether or not he wants to meditate before he begins, but he quickly dismisses the thought. He doesn't want to bring up the image of that little girl, of his sister. Not right now at least. He wants a clear head before he starts to think about all of this. And the easiest way to do that is to slice some shit up, even if it's only the motions.

He doesn't know how long he's been in the gym for, but he eventually hears a knock on the door. He glances over and sees Tashigi poking her head around the door.

"Hey, Zoro. We're going to close up soon."

"What time is it?" He lowers his swords and turns fully to her. They're closing already? How long has be been in here for?

"A little past nine."

"What?" He must have spent about four hours or so training. He definitely feels better for it though, the sight of Tashigi isn't bothering him as much as it had earlier. He definitely distracted himself enough for the time being. "Why didn't you guys kick me out earlier? Weren't there some classes in here?"

"You looked like you really needed it… I didn't want to bother you. We just moved some of the rooms around for today. If you lock everything up, you can stay later if you want."

"No, it's fine. I should get out of here. The cook is going to fucking kill me for missing dinner…" He sets down his swords and grabs the few things he brought with him. He checks his phone. Four missed called from the shit cook. He winces at the thought of the kick he is going to receive when he walks through his door later. Zoro is about to call him back when Tashigi interrupts him.

"I think we have some left overs in the staff room if you're hungry. Have you even eaten at all today?"

"Nah, not really, I had some coffee earlier…" His stomach grumbles mid sentence and he looks down at it accusingly. "Thanks, but I'm sure I have dinner waiting for me at home. Unless I pissed the cook off, then maybe I don't… Oh, well."

"Do you have your own cook?" His coworker looks to him with surprise.

He snorts a laugh. "You could say that."

"What the hell are you doing working here then?"

"I don't actually pay for it. You get the benefit of free meals when you bone a five star chef. So actually I guess you could consider that payment… I'll have to mention that later." Tashigi goes bright red and her eyes get even larger. "Shit, that sounds horrible, I'm sorry, the cook is my boyfriend. He owns a restaurant and brings me dinner most nights. It's not weird at all, I swear." He does what he can to save face and not make it sound like he has a prostitution arrangement. "Fuck, just forget I said anything. I'll get out of here."

As he starts to walk away fully embarrassed, he hears his coworker speak again. "Boyfriend…?"

He stops and turns back to face her with a questioning glare. "Is that going to be a problem?"

"Oh, no, not at all. I just thought… well, you stare at me a lot. I thought maybe…"

Ok, _now_ he is fully embarrassed. He had spent quite some time trying to figure out why she looked familiar and apparently was none too sneaky about it. "Oh. You just reminded me of someone. I was trying to figure out who. Sorry if that made you uncomfortable."

"It's ok, I just thought maybe you… never mind." She shakes her head and breaks eye contact with a faint blush apparent on her cheeks. "Did you figure out who I remind you of then?"

"Yeah, actually just figured it out today." He really looks at her for the first time today and can't help but wonder if his sister might look the same at her age. At that thought, he gets that weird dreadful feeling in the pit of his stomach and remembers Robin telling him how this could all have negative effects. Something bad happened to her, that's why he feels this way when he sees Tashigi.

"Zoro?"

Shit she was talking to him wasn't she? "Sorry, what?"

"Who is it that I remind you of?"

He is saved from answering that question when his phone goes off in his hand, great timing cook. He's not sure he's ready to answer that question yet. "Sorry I have to take this."

"The cook?" She gives him a smile.

"The cook. I'll see you later." He turns back and walks towards the exit while opening his phone to answer it. "What do you want, shit cook?"

 _"Now you answer. Where the hell are you?"_

"Sorry, I lost track of time at the gym. I'm on my way home now."

 _"Need me to come get you?"_

"No I do not need you to come get me. I can make my way home perfectly fine."

 _"Do I really need to remind you of how you found that job in the first place…?"_

"Shut up, it's not my fault everything gets moved around." Like right now. He glances down both directions of the street before deciding which way is home.

 _"Take a right, moss head. That's the side you can see out of."_

"Fuck you, eyebrows, I know where I'm going." He's just trying to get him lost now. It's obviously his left eye that he can still see out of. He takes a left, because there is no way he's listening to this asshole, and heads home. "I'm hanging up, I'll be home soon."

-:-

Honestly, Zoro got home a lot faster than Sanji had expected. Maybe he's finally starting to get this route down. Sanji hadn't even finished heating up his food when he walked through the door.

Sanji was a little worried about the moss today. When he wasn't at home when Sanji showed up and then still wasn't there an hour later, Sanji almost thought maybe he left again. He gave Robin a call to see if he was still there, but she said he wasn't. She also informed Sanji that their talk today included a little more than usual so he might be figuring out how to process some things.

That got Sanji worried that he was drinking his way through a liquor store, and when he got no response from Zoro, he only got more convinced that was happening. Thankfully though, Sanji can say he believes the moss head when he says he was at the gym because he stinks to high heaven, and not of bar. Well at least he may have found a new way to deal with emotional distress. Sanji can handle the smell if it means he drinks less.

"What were you doing at the gym so late?"

"Went back after Robin's. I needed to clear my head." Zoro is hardly breathing between bites of food.

"How was it today?"

He pauses eating momentarily, then shrugs and continues with his food, a typical Zoro response to the topic of his talks with Robin. Sanji does notice that after mentioning the session, Zoro's demeanor changes a little. He looked more relaxed earlier, but now his usual scowl looks deeper and his shoulders look a little tense. Sanji regrets mentioning the topic now. He seemed almost normal on the phone earlier, but now he's back to the clipped responses. Sanji wonders what happened at Robin's today. He looks more off than usual after a visit to their friend.

Sanji wishes he knew what to do for his moss when he feels this way. He sighs and watches the man scarf down his food. At least he still has a healthy appetite.

-:-

Zoro had felt ok after training for so long. The idea of him actually having a family was a little more palatable after focusing on something else. But on the walk home, he didn't have anything else to focus on. And the cook just brought it up again. Zoro knows he is only trying to be supportive and he didn't know that he even brought anything back up. He's not blaming Sanji at all.

But right now, Zoro is feeling something creep up on him. He had started feeling it when he was about halfway home. And it was definitely triggered by the information he was given today. He stuffs the food Sanji had made for him in his mouth in an effort to distract himself and subdue the revolting urge that is growing in his mind. It's not doing a whole lot though.

He fights the rest of the night to ignore what he's feeling. He cleans the dishes in the sink, he takes a shower, he settles down on the couch with the blonde. And he does all he can to keep his mind on other things. He can tell Sanji is aware something is bothering him, but thankfully doesn't ask about it. He's not hiding it very well and he notices the cook watching him out of the corner of his eye from time to time with concern knitting his brow.

He's not sure what to do about it tonight. He doesn't really want to drink it away while Sanji is here. Sanji hates his excessive drinking habit so he tends to indulge when he knows the cook won't be around. But this is getting harder to ignore.

"Zoro?" He glances over to the blonde sitting next to him only to see a very alarmed cook staring back at him. "Are you ok? You're shaking."

He looks to his hands and sure enough they're trembling. Oh fuck. He sighs and closes his eye. He really should not have skipped meditating today, he could have better control right now if he hadn't.

He does the only thing he can think of that isn't destructive to settle himself; he wraps his arms around the cook and buries his face at the juncture of his neck and shoulder. He feels Sanji's arms come around him and hold him close. "What do you need me to do?"

Zoro grabs fistfuls of Sanji's shirt to settle his shaking hands. "Just don't let go."

Hopefully Sanji's presence will be enough to help him combat this urge. He can hear the sounds of the T.V. in the background but they're quickly fading out. Zoro is using all of his focus to push this away and take in Sanji. He can feel the cook rubbing slow circles into his back and leaving soft kisses in his hair in attempt to help soothe him. Zoro does his best to concentrate on feeling the cook's touch, but there is an old memory that is fighting to resurface. He can't quite make it out, but it gives him an overwhelming sensation that is feeding the already strong urge.

He's not so sure this is going to be enough. Sanji used to be able to quiet the craving, at least enough to where it was manageable. But they have been getting stronger, and this one is the worst he's ever felt. Robin was right when she said the information she had could be destructive. And he is betting that it's only going to get worse; all she did was show him a picture of his family. What is going to happen when he hears the rest, or if he remembers?

He's suddenly not confident that Sanji is safe. He wants to get the cook far away from him. When he speaks his voice sounds thick. "Cook. When I tell you to, you need to let go, and you need to leave. And don't come back until tomorrow."

"Zoro-"

"Please." The cook's hands stopped their ministrations, but the cook made no reply. "Sanji." He takes a deep breath and releases his hold on the blonde's shirt. "Let go."

Sanji's arms stay where they are. "Zoro, are you sure you should be alone right now?"

"I'm pretty positive that I shouldn't be around anyone right now. You really need to go."

Sanji finally unwraps his arms from around Zoro; the green haired man slowly sits up keeping his eye closed. "Are you going to be ok?"

"Just go." He can feel the blonde's eyes on him.

"I'll be back in the morning."

Zoro makes a curt nod and he can hear Sanji heading to the door. As soon as he hears the door close he jumps off the couch and opens a bottle of the strongest stuff he has. He makes quick work of that, and grabs another. He starts slowing down after the second bottle, but by no means stops.

He finds himself on the kitchen floor again and looks around at the bottles surrounding him. They've hardly made an impact. Now he's smashed and homicidal, probably not a good combination.

He throws one of the bottles at the cabinets opposite him out of anger and the glass shatters over the floor. A large chunk lands within reach.

Well, there is one more thing he can try. He really didn't want to resort to this, he knows the more he does it the harder it will be for him to stop. But he is desperate right now.

He reaches out for the piece of broken bottle. He holds it in his left hand and stares at it. He wills everything he has for this to work. He slowly rests the point against the skin of his right arm near the inside of the elbow joint and applies pressure. He watches as the blood wells up and spills down his arm and to the kitchen floor. He can feel some of the temptation to slice up the next person he sees seep out with the blood and be replaced with relief.

He leans back against the cabinets and reaches for another bottle. Now he needs the alcohol as a way to distract from what he's just done.

-:-

Sanji hardly slept. He hasn't been able to get the moss head's request for him to leave last night off of his mind. The way he was shaking, the disturbed look on his face and in his eye. He looked like he was battling against something in his head. He's seen Zoro in states similar to that, but never to that extent. He's never visibly been shaking like that; he's never desperately clung to Sanji like that. He definitely feels that Zoro was right in asking him to leave, he looked a little demonic, but he's not so sure he should have been left alone.

Sanji tossed and turned all night. He couldn't stop thinking about what might happen to Zoro while he's by himself in that state. It was a long night. He impatiently waited for the morning so he could check on his moss.

When the sun was finally shining through his window he glanced at his clock and noted that it was nine in the morning. He slept for only a few hours, but he is wide-awake now that he's aware it's finally morning. He throws his blanket off of himself and quickly dresses. He doesn't pay much mind to how he looks today; he hardly looks in the mirror to fix his hair before he grabs his keys and is out the door.

The short drive to Zoro's feels ten times longer than normal. He has a bad feeling and wants to get there as soon as possible.

He finally parks his car and flies up the five flights of stairs before briefly pausing to compose himself outside Zoro's door. He gets the thing opened and immediately looks for the other man.

He doesn't see him in the living room, no moss growing on the couch. He quickly moves to the bedroom. No Zoro in there either. He gets a flashback of when Zoro disappeared but quickly suppresses that worry. He has no proof that this is the same situation.

He exits the bedroom and on his way back to the living room he notices the strong alcoholic smell that he had overlooked earlier in his rush to find the moss. From this direction he can see into the kitchen and sees why the apartment reeks.

Zoro is passed out on his kitchen floor with an abundance of empty bottles surrounding him. The closer he gets, the more he wishes he had stayed last night.

He has to be seeing things.

That can't possibly be what he thinks it is.

Can it?

The kitchen floor is littered with glass shards, one of the larger pieces near Zoro's left hand. The broken bottle doesn't alarm him so much, its what is covering it. That is definitely blood. He looks over Zoro and notices a gash on his right arm that had been profusely bleeding, staining his forearm and clothing. He slowly walks over to the unconscious man, careful to avoid the broken glass, and crouches next to him.

"Zoro, what did you do?"

Sanji places a shaking hand on the inside of his left wrist, searching for a pulse. He breathes a sigh of relief when he feels a strong heartbeat under his fingers. So he just passed out from drinking.

Once he is certain that his moss isn't in any immediate danger, he starts to shake him and call his name. He's not getting a response though. He's really not too surprised given the amount of bottles next to the man.

He should probably clean this up a little then. At least pick the glass up off the floor.

Once the only remaining thing on the floor is Zoro, Sanji grabs a wet towel and starts to wipe away the blood. He does his best to not look directly at the self-inflicted wound. When the blood is no longer staining the tanned skin and floor, Sanji heads into the bathroom to look for something to patch Zoro up with. He finds what looks like the remnants of Zoro's eye bandaging and brings it back to the kitchen to wrap up his arm. He hefts the green haired man to his bed so he can sleep off the rest of the alcohol. He strips the bloodied shirt and pants off of Zoro and waits for him to regain consciousness.

He figures he can clean up the apartment a bit while he's waiting. It will give him something to do other than wait anxiously for the moss to wake up. He makes sure the kitchen floor is clean, that there's no more blood or glass. He picks up the dirty clothes off the floor that Zoro seems to never do anything about. He tidies up the living room. He throws out all of the empty bottles. Once he can't figure out what else to do to the apartment, he goes back to check on Zoro. He still hasn't moved.

Sanji sits on the bed next to him and studies his face. He looks a lot more relaxed than he has in a while. The lines in his face are smoothed out, the ever-present frown missing from his otherwise striking features. He looks younger like this. Not that he looks old normally, but right now he looks more… innocent. Which is not a word he would ever think could describe this man. He leans down and places his lips to Zoro's forehead before exiting the room and settling on the couch, keeping an ear out for movement from Zoro.

-:-

He wakes up to a throbbing headache and a pain in his right arm. Why couldn't he keep sleeping? He doesn't even want to try opening his eye right now. He instead grabs the blankets around him and rolls to his side with a groan.

"Zoro?"

Is someone here? Damn it. He just wants to go back to sleep.

He hears footsteps and then feels a hand on his shoulder. "Zoro, are you awake?"

He grunts in response. What is the cook doing here didn't he leave last night? He opens his eye and turns to face the blonde.

"You want some water?"

Zoro nods and watches as Sanji leaves the room and quickly comes back with a full glass of water. He reaches out to take it, but when he catches a glimpse of the bandages on his arm, he pauses. He stares at the freshly wrapped dressing and then up at his cook.

Zoro knows he didn't put that on last night. The cook definitely saw it then.

He completes his motion to take the water and drinks down half of the cup, sets it down, and avoids eye contact with Sanji. How does he explain that?

Shit, how did the cook find him this morning? He doesn't remember moving out of the kitchen. He was more than likely passed out on the floor. And probably covered in blood since he isn't wearing anything more than his underwear anymore. He chews on his lip while staring at the white bandages around his forearm.

"Hey." He feels the bed dip down a glances up to see Sanji sitting next to him. The cook places a gentle touch to the bandages on his arm. "What happened?"

He can't exactly get out of this one. It was probably pretty obvious to the cook what had happened. "What do you think happened?" No matter how much he wants to look away, he can't tear his gaze away from the pale fingers caressing his arm.

"I think that you did this yourself. Am I right?" Zoro confirms his suspicions with a weak nod. "Why?"

He sighs as he realizes he is probably going to have to tell the cook everything that's happening now. "It helps."

"What does it help?" Zoro had been avoiding eye contact, and he really wishes he had kept up with that. The cook is looking back at him with confused concern in his expression.

He grabs the rest of his water and drinks from the cup as a way to buy some time before responding. He finishes and looks back up to Sanji. He can't talk about this while looking at him though. He averts his gaze and rests a hand on his forehead. "You saw how I was last night. I had to do something to make that stop."

He feels Sanji's hand on his shoulder; he turns to the other man and sees that he's moved so that they're lying next to each other. "Come here." Zoro adjusts so that he's lying on the cook. He can feel his arms come around him and his head leaned against his own. "Tell me what's going on."

He knows the cook respects when he doesn't want to talk about something, but this doesn't seem like the time for that. He caught him harming himself, in more than one way. As much as he hates the alcohol abuse and had done what he could to keep Zoro from indulging too much, he never pressed about why he has kept it up after the organization had been eradicated. But now that Zoro had added a new form of self-harm to the mix, he doesn't seem like he'll be quiet any longer. He's going to have to tell him about it now.

"There's a lot going on right now." He doesn't even know where to start. Sanji is silent; Zoro assumes he is waiting for him to find a place to begin. "You know how you figured out that I…" Fuck he hates saying this out loud. "That I enjoyed what I did for the organization?"

"Yeah." He could feel Sanji's breath pause momentarily before he responded.

"It's kind of… evolved from that."

"What does that mean?"

"It means…" Zoro pauses for a few moments, unsure if telling his boyfriend about the desire to slice people open is appropriate. It really isn't. He's already talked to Robin about this; maybe it'll be easier this time around. "It means that now instead of just feeling… euphoric after killing someone, I, shit." It isn't any easier. "I want to do it." He can feel the tense silence coming from Sanji. "No, I don't want to, but I get the urge to. It's complicated to explain. Now that I can't, it's become more than wanting to chase a feeling."

"What, so you think about killing people all day?"

"Yeah, actually." This is such a bad idea.

"And what was happening last night?" Sanji sounds very apprehensive. He is probably regretting is decision to invite Zoro to lie on top of him.

"A very strong urge. " Zoro goes to move off the cook to maybe make him feel a little less trapped, but Sanji keeps his hold on him. "Robin told me something yesterday that made it worse. She warned me that it could, and it is."

"What'd she tell you?"

Zoro pauses his explanation to take a breath. He he's been trying not to think about this too much because he can feel the lost memories trying to break through. After last night, he doesn't know what will happen if they do. He let's out his breath slowly in preparation for saying it out loud. "She thinks she found the reason why I am the way I am." He tightens his hold on the cook. "She found out about my family."

"Are you serious? What'd she say?"

"Nothing yet, but she showed me a picture of us. She's not sure how I'm going to react when I hear it all. She would rather me try to remember some things before she tells me what happened. And last night was definitely a reaction to what she told me. So I really don't blame her for waiting."

"Do you remember any of them?"

Zoro nods. "My sister."

"You have a sister?"

"Apparently. She just looks familiar, I don't remember anything about her."

"So whatever happened to them is why you… feel this way?"

"That's what Robin's betting on. And honestly, I am too. I'm a little nervous to hear more about it."

"Do you have the picture?"

"Yeah, she gave it to me so that maybe it'll jog my memory." He slowly lifts himself off the cook and eases himself off the bed. He still has a killer headache. He finds his pants that he was wearing yesterday, it looks as though Sanji had actually put them in the hamper, and grabs the picture out of his pocket. It managed to avoid being bled on thankfully. He heads back to the bed and claims his place next to the cook again while handing the paper over. The cook unfolds it and studies it for a few moments.

"You look a lot like your dad. You think he had the green hair, too?"

"It's possible. Not likely though."

"So you just remember your sister? Not your parents?"

"Yeah. It's not like I really even remember though. It's weird. I just feel like I know her."

"Do you want to remember?"

Zoro thinks about that. Does he want to? He's gone his whole life not remembering. But he's also gone his whole life wishing he had a family. He's never actually said it, but he's always felt that way. "Well, if remembering will help make all of this stop, then yes. I'm just… I'm kind of scared to."

It's not just the uncertain effect that remembering could have on his psychotic behaviors. When he remembers them, is he going to miss them? Will it feel like he knew them?

"I don't blame you." The cook holds him close and he can feel him burying his face in his short green hair. "You up for doing anything today? I could take the day off; we could go do something to keep your mind off all of this. Keep you from doing yourself anymore harm."

Sanji still wants to hang around him today? After telling him that he actually has real urges to kill people? "You want to do something today?"

"Yeah, if you're up for it."

"You're not… terrified of me?"

"Don't get me wrong. You are absolutely terrifying, Zoro. But I still want to help you through all of this. I told you that. Anyways I can't leave you even if I wanted to. I'm in deep; I can't let go of you. So yes, I do want to do something to keep your mind off of this."

"I'm starting to think you're crazier than I am."

"I probably am."

Zoro laughs and buries his face into Sanji's neck. "Thanks, cook."

"For what?"

"Being you."

"You shitty, sappy moss. Come here." He pulls Zoro's face up and locks their lips together. They both can't help but let out small bouts of laughter through the kiss. They are aware of how completely ridiculous and unconventional their relationship is.

"So what are we going to do today?"

"I think I have an idea."


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: No chapter warnings this time! I'm about to be super busy, so don't be mad with me if I don't update as quickly as normal. I'll try to get the next one out as soon as I can, I already have a general outline for it. I just don't know when I'll get time to write it. I may end up writing it tomorrow for all I know right now. But hopefully you'll be satisfied with some Zoro/Sanji date time and a cliff hanger. :) Also, thanks for everyone who's been reviewing that I haven't gotten to respond to. I read your reviews and I get really excited about them, but I forget to respond a lot of the time because I'll see them on my phone.**

Zoro has no idea where they are going. Sanji had said he had an idea for what he wanted them to do today, but he failed to let Zoro know what that was. He just shoved Zoro into his car and started driving.

Zoro had been under the impression that maybe they would stay at home in bed all day from the way the cook had said 'I think I have an idea', but nope. He was pushed out of bed, thrown in the shower, and forced into clothing. And after given a quick breakfast and something that Sanji swears helps with hangovers, he was placed into a car and whisked away.

He will grudgingly agree that whatever Sanji had given him this morning is definitely helping with the hangover. His headache is nearly gone and he doesn't feel like the world is going to spin out from under him if he turns his head too quickly. Why has Sanji been hiding magic cure for the past year?

"Cook, can you just tell me where we're going?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"Because it is my job to distract you, and by not telling you where we are going, you will be way too preoccupied with trying to figure it out to think of anything else." Zoro figures that is actually a pretty good tactic. He has been thinking of nothing else since he got in the car.

"This better be good, cook." Zoro fixes his gaze outward and desperately tries to figure out where they are headed by paying attention to the street names, but he is completely turned around.

Sanji lets out a slightly devilish laugh. "Oh, don't worry, moss head, it will be."

Zoro ignores the cook's evil grin and continues scanning the streets outside before dozing off against the window.

"We're here."

Zoro slowly sits up and opens his eye. "Where is here?"

"Just come on." The two men climb out of Sanji's car and the cook grabs Zoro's arm and drags the reluctant man towards wherever it is they have arrived at. He notices they are in a very large parking lot. Zoro immediately regrets falling asleep in the car because he easily could have figured out where they were. There has to have been a sign somewhere for something with a parking lot this huge.

"Can you tell me where we are yet?"

"You seriously don't know?" Zoro looks around him, but all he can see is cars. "Pay attention moss head, I don't want you getting lost."

"I don't get lost!"

Sanji just grabs a hold of his hand. "Just don't let go of my hand, there will be a lot of people in here."

"I'm not a fucking child, cook!"

Sanji bursts out in laughter and a few people in the parking lot turn their direction. "Seriously though, Zoro, you really don't think you ever get lost?"

"No, I don't. Everything moves around. It's not me." He is one hundred percent sure that it is not him. Everything and everyone are always trying to confuse him.

Sanji looks like he might explode from the force of the laugh he is very badly trying to hold back. "Alright, Zoro. Let's get inside." He does notice the cook grabs his hand a little tighter. Zoro Roronoa does not get lost damn it.

They make it to the entrance, though the cook does seem to take the wrong direction and ignores Zoro when he corrects him, and Zoro can finally see where they are.

The cook took him to the fucking zoo?

Why the zoo?

"Why are we at the zoo, swirly?" Wasn't Sanji supposed to be distracting him today? How is being at the zoo going to do that?

"I saw a new exhibit advertised I wanted to see. And we never go on dates, so I thought maybe this could double as that, too."

"And you call me sappy…"

"You are!"

"Wanting to be close to you because it helps fight off mental disturbances and planning a date are completely different. I'm not sappy."

"I could bring up a million instances in where you have been the sappiest mother fucker to walk this earth."

"Oh, really? Like what?"

"How about when you wouldn't let me out of bed and said you would rather starve than let go of me?"

Zoro doesn't have a response for that right away. But he eventually finds a way to defend himself. "That was you fighting off mental disturbances, cook. Not sappy."

"Or this morning when you-"

"Ok, I get it. But you can't deny that you're a sap."

"I'm romantic. You're a sap."

Zoro just grumbles in response and shoves the cook a little, which starts a very manly shoving fight all the way to the entrance of the park. Maybe he is a bit of a sap. He can't help it that this has literally been the first time in his life that he has a chance to explore emotions and it comes out like that. The cook pulls him to the ticket booth and they enter the park.

"So what is it you wanted to see so badly?"

"We'll get to it. I told you, I wanted this to be a date too. Let's just enjoy the park."

A date. Zoro has never been on a real date before. He's not really sure how this is supposed to go. He and Sanji didn't exactly date, they just kind of got together and then that was that. He supposes that may be why the cook wants to pretend this is a date, because they have never been on one, and they've been together for, shit how long have they been together? He thinks back and tries to count the length of time but the cook tugging on his arm brings him out of his thoughts.

"Look, tigers! Let's head there first."

Zoro had thought the zoo was kind of a lame place to go, but he must admit that he is a little excited to see a tiger. He has never seen one in person before; he's never been to a zoo. Never had the opportunity when he was little, and never thought anything of them when he got older. Sanji is still leading him by the hand through crowds of people and over to their first exhibit.

Zoro looks over to the cook who has a grin on his face and looks absolutely thrilled to be here. If this is how he feels on a date, then maybe he should take the cook out more often.

He tears his eye away from his blonde to look through the glass that separates the park goers and the animals inside. There's a large pool that is situated against the glass and behind it is a vast amount of foliage. Zoro can't tell where the exhibit ends. He looks around in the enclosure and notices a large clump of fur on a rock near the pool. It's huge. He knew tigers were big, but holy shit!

He looks back at the cook and they share an excited smile before looking back to the animals. Zoro stares at the tigers for a few more minutes in awe before leaning into the cook.

"Hey, Sanji."

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for this." He squeezes the cook's hand a little tighter. He has no way to express the gratitude he is feeling for the cook for doing this today. So instead he just brushes it off for now. He'll thank him later. "I've never been to one of these before."

"A tiger exhibit?"

"No, a zoo."

"Are you serious? We have so much to see then!" He can feel Sanji's excitement rubbing off on him.

They watch the tigers for a few more minutes before the cook declares that they have way more animals that Zoro must see before the day is over. Zoro doesn't even complain that the blonde won't let go of his hand. He doesn't really mind anymore. He feels like he's falling for the cook all over again.

Sanji tows Zoro around to just about every exhibit. They skipped the ones they knew wouldn't be too interesting, or that's what Sanji said. He kept a wide berth around the bug exhibit. Zoro is pretty sure it isn't because he thinks it's boring by the way he keeps an eye on it like it might explode and start raining spiders.

Zoro notices that they are getting a lot of stares from the other zoo visitors and gives them all confused looks and receives quickly averted eyes in return. And then he remembers that they are two men walking around a zoo holding hands.

And when he is waiting for Sanji to buy what he is calling shitty park food, he is reminded that he has a very large scar on his face. No wonder everyone has been staring. He forgets he has that sometimes.

"What happened to your face?" He is seated at a table and looks next to him to a small girl who had wandered away from her parents. She is looking up at him curiously.

"Uh-"

"And why is your hair green?" Zoro should be used to this by now, almost every young student at his new job has asked him the same questions, but it still always throws him.

"I'm so sorry! Sweetie, get back over here, you don't ask people questions like that." The mother looks like she might die from embarrassment.

"It's alright." He looks down at the girl. "I don't actually know why it's green, just always been that way. And as for my face… got in a fight with a tiger, scratched my eye out." He was quite taken with the tigers earlier, and it is a much more appropriate story than 'I killed my former employer but before she went down she threw something sharp at my face'. The mother looked placated for a moment and then immediately gave him a look that said 'how dare you say something so traumatic to my child?' If only she knew how much he downplayed it.

"Whoa cool! How big was the tiger?"

Zoro kept up with answering the child's questions until the mother forced her away right as Sanji showed up with the food. Aw, he even bought Zoro a beer.

"I see you're making friends with the same mental capacity as you; about time."

"Shut the fuck up." He immediately reaches out for the beer that the blonde brought him.

"Ah, you only get this if you promise to stay through the entire next exhibit."

Of course this is a bribe… The cook does not just hand him alcohol no matter how little the quantity. "Fine. Give me."

"That's all I'm giving you today though. I'm still going to control how much you drink when I'm around."

"Yeah, yeah. I know; I'm developing a problem." He would much rather have a drinking problem than a homicide problem though, so he doesn't really care to do much about it unless he is forced to.

He savors his beer and stuffs his face with the greasy park food that Sanji meticulously picked out to be a little less greasy and park food-y. Once they finish their meal they head to their last exhibit; the new one that Sanji wanted to visit the zoo for in the first place.

"What is this?" Zoro is stood in front of a large building that looks like could be an event center. It probably houses the travelling exhibits like the one they are about to see.

"You'll see."

Zoro is really starting to hate that phrase. The cook has been saying it to him since they left the apartment today. They enter the building and Zoro is taken aback by the sheer amount of plants in there. This is what Sanji wanted to see? Plants?

"Cook, why did you want to see plants so badly?"

"Oh, please, don't tell me you aren't thrilled to see all of your relatives in one building together?"

That motherfucker. That's why he wanted to come here. "Are you fucking serious?"

"You promised you'd stay for the whole thing." The cook's evil grin from this morning came back. "But, since I'm kindhearted, I'll just take you to what I came here for."

"What could you possibly have come here for? They're plants."

"They're plants from all over the world that you would never see otherwise. And the ones I want to see are over there." Zoro reluctantly follows the cook after making a show of how annoyed he is at being in here. The cook is a god damn bastard.

They stop in front of a tank and Sanji starts laughing. He looks to the cook like he has lost his mind. "What the fuck are you laughing at?"

"They really look just like you!" Sanji is wiping away tears now.

Zoro looks to the tank and sees round green plants in the water. He turns to the cook and is about to tell him off, but realizes where he is and is not trying to get himself kicked out for getting into a fight with the blonde.

"You are the most insufferable person I have ever met." He turns to leave but the cook grabs his arm.

"You promised you'd stay, moss ball. These are clearly your ancestors; you should get to know them. It says they're called marimo in Japanese. Hey maybe you're Japanese? You look like you could have a little of that in you. You definitely have some marimo in you." The cook continues giggling while looking back and forth between the algae and Zoro. Zoro is very much not amused by the entire situation.

"Can we please go, cook? You're drawing a crowd." He can hear sniggers of people around them noticing the same thing that the stupid swirly eye browed asshole he calls his boyfriend has.

"We'll go, just let me do one more thing. Stay there." Sanji backs up a few paces and brings out his phone.

"Oh no you don't. That is not what I agreed to."

The cook's grin just keeps getting bigger. "Too late."

"I hate you so much." Zoro can't help but think that this was not worth that beer at all. Sanji could probably get him to stop drinking completely if he said he could only have alcohol if he was going to bring him here every time he drank.

"I'll make it up to you. But that was so worth it." He grabs Zoro's hand and he reluctantly follows the blonde back out of the stupid plant exhibit. Really, who the fuck even comes to a zoo for the plants?

The cook finally stops laughing at Zoro's expense as they're walking past the park gates. Sanji decides to keep their little date going instead of going home, and that he will definitely make it up to Zoro for embarrassing him.

Sanji being the romantic he is, he still refuses to admit that he is sappier than Zoro, has planned the rest of their date to include dinner after a walk through one of the many parks in town.

Zoro isn't sure he's too thrilled about this date thing anymore.

They make it to the park that Sanji had decided was the best for their purposes and Sanji drags him out of the car.

"Come on, marimo, indulge me."

"Not if you keep calling me marimo."

"Oh, come on, Zoro. It sounds so much better than moss head. Would you seriously rather me call you that?"

Zoro sighs. "Fine." He reluctantly agrees, it does sound better than moss head, or any of the other variants the cook had come up with.

The cook keeps a hold of Zoro's hand like he did at the zoo. He says its because walking around the park like that is more romantic or some shit, but Zoro knows he's afraid he'll get lost. He wouldn't shut up about it all day.

Zoro will admit that it is kind of nice to be spending time like this with the cook. He has been thoroughly distracted all day; only hints of his problems have pushed their way passed his mental defenses. Well Zoro thinks of them as hints, but really it's more of an entire scenario of offing someone that has happened less frequently than normal.

As soon as Zoro decides he can enjoy the rest of their definitely sappy date, Zoro hears a familiar voice call out from behind them.

"ZORO! SANJI! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?"

The two men look to each other with a resigned look. Their date is most definitely over now. They turn and see Luffy and Ace walking towards them.

"Sorry guys, Luffy saw you guys and wanted to say hi. I told him you looked like you were busy, but he didn't believe me."

"They're not, they're just walking through the park."

"Luffy, they look like they were on a date, and you completely just interrupted them."

"Ace, it's fine. What are you guys even doing here? The cook picked the sappiest park for us to go to, yet you both are hanging out in it." He turns to the cook. "I think you got your parks messed up."

"I did not, I am definitely not you." Zoro fights back the urge to growl at the blonde.

"Luffy heard about this food stand that is supposed to have amazing food, so naturally we came to try it out." Luffy grins at the mention of food. Those two can't keep away from the stuff. "I guess it happens to be in the sappiest park in the whole town as you called it."

As the two brothers talk with Sanji about whatever it was that they came to try, Zoro catches something out of the corner of his eye. He's not quite sure what it was that he saw, he just caught a fleeting glimpse of something but he immediately got a very bad feeling. He turns his head to look but can't figure out what had caught his attention.

Whatever it was has definitely opened something up in his head though. The calm and satiated feeling that he had all day with cook is gone. He has completely tuned out the three others next to him and diligently begins working to push this away. This is not good. He is out in a very public place.

He glances at the other men's faces to make sure they aren't talking to him, but they look deeply engrossed in their conversation. Good, he isn't sure he could pretend to partake right now. This is coming on fast, faster than usual.

He closes is eye and takes a few deep breathes. He tries to quickly get himself into a meditative state, even just for a moment. Maybe that will drive it away. Nothing else he usually does is appropriate here. He's trying really hard to concentrate but it's quickly taking over.

 _Please don't do this right now._ He was having such a good day, why does this have to happen right now? Could it not have waited until tonight?

And what even triggered this?

He looks over at the blonde and the brothers again but they have not taken notice to Zoro's change in mental state. He should probably alert Sanji that it is time for him to go home.

Before he even gets the chance to get the blonde's attention, someone passes by and bumps into his shoulder.

That was all he needed.

He is pushed over the edge and pauses briefly as he is completely engulfed by the need to kill before quickly rounding on the guy that had bumped into him.

He can see it all happening, but he can't do anything to stop it. He can hear his friends calling to him, but he can't respond with more than a snarl. He tries to lunge towards that asshole that bumped into him, but he can feel his arms being restrained and his name being yelled. He struggles to get out of the hold; he tries to fight his captor's grip only to be tackled to ground and further held down.

He continues fighting until everything goes dark.


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: Got this up a lot quicker than I had expected. I found some extra time because I gave myself a stress fracture in my foot on Friday because I am an idiot, but it was totally worth it. Anyways, new chapter, yay!**

"Zoro?"

It all happened so fast. But at the same time, everything was in slow motion.

Sanji could feel something off with the moss head next to him. He couldn't tell what it was but he could feel it, and then Sanji had turned to check on him just as Zoro's expression changed to something he wishes he could wipe from his memory. It was terrifying. Then all of a sudden he wasn't there anymore.

"ZORO!"

Zoro was moving fast, but as Sanji reached out to grab his arm, he seemed like he wasn't moving fast enough. His fingertips only brush Zoro's arm. He has a very bad feeling about this.

He's seen that look on Zoro twice before. It means he's out to kill.

Sanji tries to run after him, to catch up to him and pull him back, to talk him down, bring him back to reality. But he already had a head start. Sanji watches helplessly as Zoro shoves past the few people between him and whatever it is he is after. He has no regard for those he is pushing past, shoving some of them to the ground in his haste.

He can't help but call out his name over and over, he needs to get through to him, and he needs to stop him. This could get very bad very fast. He isn't even responding.

Zoro seems to have caught up to whoever he was chasing and looks as though he is about to start pounding on him, he's grabbed the back of his shirt and threw him on the ground. He gets on top of him and his arm is pulling back to strike. Zoro is about to beat the shit out of some stranger. Sanji is running after him, yelling to him. He sees his fist begin to move forwards, but Zoro is grabbed and restrained by some passerby that had watched the entire encounter. He is pulled off the man and dragged back. Zoro does not seem to like his arms being held back though because he is putting up one hell of a fight. Sanji is surprised this guy is even succeeding in holding him back, he knows how strong Zoro is. He almost frees himself from the hold until another man joins the first and together they tackle the large green haired man down to the ground. Zoro continues struggling and fighting on the ground, snarling at the men on top of him.

"DON'T HURT HIM!"

Sanji runs as fast as he can to catch up to where Zoro has landed. He's panting from the exertion of running as fast as possible. Everyone around him looks to Sanji like he's insane for insisting that no one harms this clearly dangerous man. "Please, don't hurt him."

"You know this guy?" One of the bystanders inquires with an incredulous look.

Sanji doesn't feel the need to explain his relationship with Zoro to this man, he only cares that no one is hurt unnecessarily in this situation. Including Zoro.

But Zoro doesn't seem to have the same idea. He is still fighting against the hold of the men on top of him, his arms pinned and their knees in his back.

"Let me talk to him!" He wants to see if he can get him to hear him. He's gotten him to snap out of this before, maybe he can do it again and no one has to be hurt.

Sanji watches in horror as one of the guys on top of him grabs Zoro by the hair and smashes his face into the ground, hard.

Zoro immediately stops moving.

 _Zoro…_ Sanji stops in his tracks and stares at the men who are still sitting on top of his moss, his unmoving bleeding moss. They remain on top of him until they deem it safe for him to be left unrestrained.

Sanji comes back to his senses and run as fast as he can to that motherfucker who just smashed his moss's head into the pavement. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?"

He kicks at the man who smashed Zoro's head so that he's out of the way and kneels down next to Zoro. He can see blood around his head where it made contact with the pavement.

"You seriously think talking to this fuck would do anything? He was about to kill that guy!"

"I asked you not to hurt him." He stands back up and faces the bastard who dared to hurt what's his. "Get the fuck out of here."

"Or what blondie? Your boy is unconscious. He can't do anything."

"But I can. If you think I'm going to let you-"

Sanji feels a hand on his shoulder and quickly glances to his side. Ace and Luffy have caught up to them. "Sanji, he's not worth it."

He can feel Luffy's calm seep into him. Luffy is rarely if ever calm, but when the mood calls for it, his composed expression is worse than if he were to explode with anger.

He glares down the bastard one last time and turns his back so that he can tend to Zoro. He really is bleeding a lot. Sanji hopes it's just because it's a head wound. Ace and Luffy remain standing next to him while he goes about making sure the moss is ok. He better still be fucking alive or he is not holding back on that guy. He checks for a pulse and breathes a little easier after finding one. This is the second time today he's had to make sure Zoro is alive.

He looks up to the brothers who are still standing over him. "My car is right over there, bring it over and we can get him out of here." He tosses Ace the keys and Luffy stands guard over top of him. Ace pushes his way through the crowd that had formed around the spectacle, but the mass is quickly thinning out.

Sanji gingerly rolls Zoro on to his back to inspect his face, he has a nasty gash on his left temple and a little road rash on his cheek. The whole left side of his face is covered in blood. That fucking bastard had no reason to hit him this hard.

He can hear Ace returning from moving his car closer and he and Luffy lift the green haired man over to where he had parked it.

Ace mentions that he can drive over to his and Luffy's apartment since its closer and they really need to look at Zoro's head wound. The drive is silent as the three sit in shock at what happened.

Zoro almost killed someone.

And someone else almost killed Zoro.

Sanji isn't sure which he is more in shock from.

Luffy sits in the front while Ace drives with Sanji in the back with Zoro. After a quick and tense drive to the brothers' apartment, they lug the dead weight of Zoro up to the apartment. They were not gifted with the luxury of an elevator much like Zoro, so having all three of them to drag upwards of 200 pounds of man up a few flights of stairs was very helpful. Sanji has done it with only Chopper before which was a feat itself since he was also split in two. He's dragged a very intoxicated and hardly able to walk Zoro up the stairs many times but even then he was still a little in control of himself. He can't imagine doing this alone. He's very glad Ace offered up their help.

They decide to deposit Zoro on the couch. That way if he does wake up and is still out of control, then they have plenty of room to subdue him. Sanji heads straight for the kitchen and wets a towel to press to Zoro's head. He kneels down near Zoro's head and begins to wipe away the blood from his now brownish tinted hair and face to inspect the wound. It's not as bad as it seems once the blood is wiped away, it's just a head wound doing what they do best: bleeding a lot. He probably needs stitches though, and he is definitely going to have a huge bruise. Once that is cleaned he sits more firmly on the ground and stares at his moss. Why did that happen? Sanji can't help but wonder if that's what could have happened last night. If that was what Zoro was trying to prevent. If it is, then why couldn't he do anything to get himself under control today?

Oh, right. They were in the middle of a park with no access to alcohol. Now he understands Zoro's immediate need for drinking a little better. But there is no way that just drinking would soothe him in that state, right? There wasn't even any indication that it was going to happen. Sanji isn't really sure how any of this works in Zoro's head, but last night at least there seemed to be some time and build up before he got to the point of no return. Some kind of warning. He was fine a few moments before hand, wasn't he? Or had Sanji just been so caught up in the day that he hadn't noticed Zoro struggling with himself? Now he feels horrible, if he had just ignored the signs and let that happen…

He had no idea just exactly how out of control Zoro must feel if this is what it amounts to. Zoro had tried to explain it to him this morning, but Sanji really underestimated it.

"Sanji?" The sound of Ace's voice pulls him from his thoughts. He looks up to see Ace and Luffy standing nearby watching him. "What happened?"

How the hell does he explain what that was? He's not really even sure what that was. He was just explained to this morning about what this all is, but he doesn't really understand it.

He looks back at Zoro and shakes his head. "I don't know."

Explaining what Zoro had told him this morning would probably not be wise. He would not be able to explain it well. And Zoro most likely does not want anyone else to know. He can feel Ace's concerned gaze on him. And truthfully, he really has no idea what happened.

Luffy speaks for the first time since the park. "Is Zoro ok, Sanji?"

They all know Zoro has some issues. Obviously. They went with him to kill his former employer. He drinks ungodly amounts of alcohol regularly, or he used to regularly until Sanji started monitoring his intake. He's got trust issues, and people issues in general. He's got some anger problems, specifically when confronted about his problems.

But they don't know how deeply fucked up Zoro is. Sanji doesn't know if they can tell that he's been struggling with something on that scale for a while. He wasn't really aware of anything beyond the drinking for a long time, and he spends nearly everyday with the man. If they don't see that, Sanji doesn't want to be the one to say anything about it. Zoro wouldn't want them to know. It's taken him a long time to finally tell Sanji what is really going on, and even then Sanji is pretty sure there's more that he isn't telling.

But they need to know if their friend is all right. Zoro has never explicitly told them that he isn't. He's always reassured them that he's perfectly fine, never suggesting that anything could possibly be wrong. That's the most he is comfortable telling them without Zoro's permission.

He slowly shakes his head in response to Luffy's question.

He can tell they want to ask questions. They want to know what's wrong. They want to know why that happened. But they know they won't get answers, not from Sanji, not right now.

Sanji can't tell them about Zoro's, what did he call it, urge to kill people.

Zoro starts stirring almost immediately after Sanji's answer to Luffy's question. Sanji quickly jumps up and backs up a few paces, just in case that Zoro is still in that state of mind. You never know. The three of them watch as Zoro groans and slowly raises a hand to his head, but quickly pulls it back and hisses at the pain. He slowly opens his eye and looks slightly confused at his surroundings.

"Zoro?"

He glances over to where the three of them are standing after hearing Sanji's voice. He doesn't say anything, though.

"How's your head?"

"Hurts."

For a moment he gets a look of despondency on his face when he realizes why they are on the other side of the room, but quickly schools his expression to something neutral.

"Do you remember what happened?"

Zoro's gaze shifts to Ace and he watches him a moment before responding in a quiet voice. "Yeah."

He moves to slowly sit up; Sanji can tell he's probably a little dizzy or light headed from his collision with the pavement. Ace and Luffy tense as he moves. Zoro catches their slight movements.

"I'm not going to do anything." He glances at the door and Sanji is one hundred percent sure he just wants to get out of here, Zoro doesn't want to answer any questions. He is also pretty sure Zoro is back to his right mind, but something still seems off. He moves closer and rests a hand on his shoulder.

"You want to go home?" Zoro nods in response. "I'm going to take the moss home, then. Thanks for your help guys." He can tell the brothers have a million questions they want to ask Zoro. Sanji can see them both open their mouths to start their line of questioning, but Sanji stops them with a look. This is not the time.

Zoro is quiet the entire drive home, and after getting him upstairs. He doesn't really say much the rest of the night.

He barely says more than a few sentences for the next few days. He hardly moves off of his bed.

Sanji tries to talk to him, but he is really out of it. Sanji is almost worried that he has brain damage from being knocked out on the concrete. Maybe they should have taken him to a hospital…

On the third day of near silence from Zoro, Sanji decides he needs to do something about this. He can't take it anymore. No matter what he says to him, Zoro has no reaction.

So he calls Robin.

 _"Hello Sanji, how are you?"_

Sanji has still not gotten over the loveliness that is Robin, but now is not the time to go on about it. "Hey Robin, I have a favor to ask you."

 _"What can I help you with?"_

"Zoro."

 _"Is everything alright?"_

Sanji shakes his head until he remembers he is on the phone. "No. I don't know what's wrong with him. He hasn't done anything in like three days."

 _"What do you mean?"_

"I mean he hasn't done anything. He's spoken maybe ten words to me in the past three days. He hasn't moved off of his bed unless I force him off of it, and then he goes right back. I have to practically force feed him."

Robin makes a humming sound as she reflects on Sanji's words. _"Did anything happen to him before this behavior?"_

"Yeah, actually." Sanji pauses as he remembers the events leading to Zoro being knocked unconscious. "He lost control while we were out."

Robin hums in thought again. _"And you would like for me to speak with him?"_

"Please. If you have time."

 _"Of course. Would it be alright if I stopped by now?"_

Sanji breathes a sigh of relief. In his head he was begging for her to come as soon as she possibly could, if she could materialize into Zoro's living room it wouldn't be soon enough. "Right now would be great. Thank you so much Robin."

He hangs up the phone and goes to check on his moss. As he walks to his bedroom, Sanji can't help but think that Zoro really has been literal moss for the past few days. As bad as he feels for making the connection while Zoro is in this state, he can feel the corner of his mouth twitch slightly upwards.

He is a terrible person.

Zoro is most likely suffering from either a brain injury, or severe depression. If it ends up being a brain injury, Sanji is going to feel absolutely horrible for not bringing him to a hospital.

Zoro hasn't moved from where he's been all day. He's barely even moved positions. He's lying on his stomach partially under his blanket with his muscular arms around his pillow, his face buried in the crook of his arm. From the angle, Sanji can't even tell if he's awake since all he can see is his scarred eye. He moves further into the room and sits on the bed next to Zoro. He runs his fingers through his hair gently. He doesn't bother trying to speak to him. He knows he won't respond, and he's said everything he could think of already. If Zoro is awake, Sanji knows that this simple action will reach him better than words will.

He hears a knock on the door not long after hanging up the phone with Robin. She really did mean right now, bless her. He is going to have to do something extra special for her, especially for all the help she's giving Zoro. There is no way he can thank her enough.

He heads back to the living room and opens the door for Robin. She gives him a smile in way of greeting and follows him to Zoro. Sanji stays in the doorway as Robin approaches the man.

"Oh my, what happened to him?" Right, Sanji hadn't mentioned Zoro has a nasty gash on his face surrounded by discolored bruising.

"Someone knocked him out after he lost control. They hit his head on pavement."

She turns to Sanji with shock written clearly on her face. And then that shock turns to worry as she turns back to Zoro. She kneels down next to the bed near Zoro's face.

"Zoro?" She places a hand on his shoulder. "Can you hear me?"

Zoro produces a grunt of affirmation. He slowly turns his head to look at Robin. Sanji can't really see his expression very well; his face is partially hidden by his arm and his working eye is turned away from him. But Sanji can see Robin's. It's the saddest expressions he's ever seen on her.

Sanji can see Zoro take a deep shaky breath before he speaks. It's one of the longest sentences he's said in three days. "I'm just like him."

What does he mean by that? Shit, maybe Zoro does have brain damage. If he's spouting random things out like that then maybe he really should get Zoro over to a hospital.

"No you're not, Zoro. You are nothing like him."

Oh, maybe not. Robin seems to know what he's talking about. Sanji is utterly confused, though.

"Yes I am." He takes another shaky breath and lets out a choked sob. Sanji can see Zoro's grip on the pillow tighten.

Sanji decides that this conversation should probably be between the two of them. He's not sure what's going on, and he feels like he's intruding on one of their private sessions. He pushes himself off of the doorframe and heads over to the kitchen. He checks to see what food Zoro's fridge contains. He might as well make something to eat while he waits. He's getting a little hungry and it'll give him something to do. He'll also offer some to Robin after she finishes speaking with Zoro. And maybe he can make something comforting for Zoro if he can get him to eat. Sanji can tell this is going to be a very emotionally taxing conversation they are about to have.


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N: So this chapter gets all dark and sad, not that the story isn't all dark and sad to begin with but you know.**

Sanji spent the next half hour in the kitchen. He has no idea if any of them will be eating what he is making right away. Sanji is kind of losing his appetite.

Robin had closed Zoro's bedroom door, but Sanji can still hear faint sobbing sounds coming from the room followed by the sound of Robin's soothing voice. Zoro had been holding this back for at least three days and letting it build up. Now that he's let it out it doesn't sound like it's stopping.

Sanji's heart breaks listening to this. He wishes there was something he could do for Zoro, but Robin is clearly infinitely more helpful in this situation than Sanji is.

The most he can do right now is make Zoro something easy to eat. He hasn't eaten all day and Sanji will not let him go an entire day without having at least something to eat. He's not starving himself on top of the rest of this. So he busies himself with a simple soup for his moss and tries to not listen to what's happening in the other room.

Thankfully Zoro's kitchen has all he needs for a simple vegetable broth. Zoro is most likely not going to be in a state to eat anything substantial, he hasn't for the past few days, so this will be perfect. He gathers the ingredients and gets started.

He chops up his vegetables and places them into a pot with some oil and cooks them down before adding water and salt. While the stock boils, he finishes up the rest of the food he had been preparing and packs it away into the fridge, making sure there is a portion set aside to give to Robin. She is not leaving without some form of a thank you from him. When he deems the soup prepared, he discards the vegetables from the broth and keeps the pot covered to keep it warm.

Just as he is finishing cleaning up the kitchen, he hears the door to Zoro's bedroom open and Robin appears right after. She looks exhausted. Sanji isn't even sure what to say to her. He pauses in his movements as she makes her way to him.

"How is he?" Sanji supposes that is probably the most appropriate thing to ask.

She gives Sanji a small tired smile. "He's asleep." There's a pause between the two of them before Robin continues. "If you can manage it, I would really recommend not leaving him by himself."

Sanji's heart sinks. Does that mean…? He nods his head; he can definitely do that.

"I'm not saying he's going to act on anything, but it's better to be safe. He's in a very high stress state of mind right now, and very emotional. I would feel much better if he had someone around him."

"I'll…I'll definitely do that. I won't leave him." He stares at the counter; he's at a loss for what to do. Suddenly he remembers that he had made Robin a box to take home with her and moves to the fridge. "Here, this is for you; a thank you. I really appreciate you coming by today, I can't even express how thankful I am. And I know Zoro is too."

"Please do not hesitate to ask for my help. I am more than happy to speak with either of you at any time." She gratefully takes the food that is handed to her. "I do have to be going now though, I have someone coming in about an hour. I'm sorry to just rush out like this."

"Oh, it's no problem. Thank you, again."

She smiles at him again, that same tired smile. Maybe this is why she drinks so much coffee. "Take care of him, Sanji."

"I will, I promise."

Robin is out the door just as quickly as she had come through it.

Sanji hesitates in the kitchen for a moment. Should he take Zoro his soup now? She did say he was asleep. He really does need to eat though.

He pulls out a bowl and pours some soup into it, grabs a spoon, and heads over to Zoro.

He's still laying much as he was before, but now on the other side of the bed. It looks as though Robin had pulled the blanket up around him; there is no way Zoro would have pulled it around himself so nicely. Sanji places the bowl of soup on the bedside table and sits on the bed next to his moss. He can hear him breathing through his mouth and snoring slightly, his nose too blocked off from crying. Sanji cards his fingers through Zoro's soft green hair. Usually when someone sleeps, they look at peace, but Zoro isn't one of those people. It happens sometimes, but only when his mind is truly calm. Sanji has only seen it a couple of times, most notably after harming himself. Even when he's passed out drunk, he always looks like something is weighing on his mind.

Zoro must feel the movement in his hair because his eye opens slowly and he turns his head a bit to look at Sanji better. He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't even need to. His expression says it all. His eye is reddened, his face tearstained. His brow is knit into that perpetual scowl of his, but right now it has a tinge of sadness to it.

Sanji continues his ministration to the moss's hair. "Hey." Zoro still remains silent. "You hungry?" Zoro gives the world's smallest shake of his head. "I thought not. But you haven't eaten all day. Can you try? I brought you some soup." Zoro makes no move to eat. "Please?"

He nods his head a little more forcefully than he had shaken it and shifts onto his back so that he can sit up a little. Sanji grabs the soup and offers it to him. He takes the bowl and slowly brings the spoon to his mouth. He looks like he's forcing it down, only eating because Sanji had asked him to. But at least he's eating. Sanji keeps his hand on Zoro's thigh in a supportive gesture.

Zoro finishes what he can of the soup; it wasn't all of it, but almost. Sanji takes back the bowl and stands to bring it back to the kitchen, but Zoro's hand reaches out and grabs his. There is no way Sanji can leave now.

He places the bowl back on the bedside table and crawls into bed next to Zoro. For a while they just lay next to each other holding hands. Eventually Zoro turns to his side and wraps himself around Sanji, burying his face into his neck.

Sanji can feel his warm breath against his skin. He thinks back to what Robin had mentioned, about not leaving him alone. Sanji savors the feeling; he thinks about how he wouldn't know what he would do if he were ever deprived of the feeling of Zoro's breath against his skin, the weight of Zoro draped around him. He wraps his arms around Zoro and just holds onto him. He's not sure how long they stayed like that, but eventually Zoro breaks the silence.

"It was my fault." Zoro spoke so quietly that Sanji almost didn't hear him.

His fault? What was his fault? Sanji is about to ask what he means, but Zoro continues his thought.

"They died because of me."

What was he talking about? Who died- oh. Oh, now Sanji understands. The look of worry on Robin's face before they started after mentioning he was hit in the head, the odd line that Zoro had blurted out that Sanji thought was out of context but that Robin had completely understood, the reason behind his recent spiral out of control.

His family.

"You remember, don't you?"

Zoro nods into Sanji's neck. "It feels like it just happened."

He pulls Zoro closer and the green haired man is practically lying on top of him at this point. He doesn't even know what to say. Zoro remembers what happened.

"It feels like it just happened, but it was almost twenty years ago."

Sanji figures Zoro needs to just let this out. He obviously had spoken about it with Robin, but this feels different. This isn't an emotional damn breaking with all the memories coming forth after being suppressed for so long, and Zoro trying to push them away for the past few days. This is Zoro just remembering, processing. Though he seems to be blaming himself. Sanji is still in the dark about what had happened so he can't contradict the man. But almost twenty years ago… that means Zoro must have been around seven or eight years old. How could that have possibly been his fault? Sanji remains silent with supportive arms around the green haired man, waiting for him to continue if he chooses to.

There was another stretch of silence before Zoro speaks again.

"He killed them." Sanji can feel Zoro's grip tighten on him slightly. "He killed them because of me."

Sanji can sense a wave of self-hatred coming off the moss. He's felt that before when speaking about his thrill for killing or when Sanji had first encountered drunk Zoro and he very clearly hated everything about himself.

How could he possibly have caused the death of his family at eight? Sanji still does not understand the reason for this self-hatred and blaming. He wants to ask, but he doesn't want to break Zoro out of whatever it is he's doing. He seems to need this. Sanji isn't even sure Zoro is really speaking to him; he's just kind of talking. He doesn't think Zoro consciously decided to tell Sanji, he just started speaking. He knows there is something about himself that makes Zoro feel comforted and safe, so maybe after just being near him for a while Zoro decided to just let it all out in a more controlled manner than he had with Robin.

Sanji wants to know who it was that Zoro is talking about, who killed them? And why wasn't Zoro included? Sanji is very glad that he wasn't, but his entire family was killed excluding him? He's definitely very curious. Not enough to ask if Zoro doesn't want to tell though.

"He hated me."

Between every utterance from Zoro is a length of silence, like he's psyching himself up between bits of his story so that he can continue.

"He used to hurt me."

Something about this is starting feel even more tragic than it already had. Sanji leans his head to rest on top of Zoro's green fuzzy head while he bites his lip.

"He got really violent one night."

Zoro takes a deep shuddery breath, presumably remembering that fateful night.

"They tried to stop him, but that made him even angrier."

Sanji is starting to see where this is going. He's not sure he wants Zoro to finish; he doesn't want to make him say it again, or relive it. But he keeps going despite Sanji's inner worry for the man.

Sanji can feel wetness on his skin where Zoro's face is pressed.

"He-" Zoro holds back a sob between words. "He killed them for helping me."

If what Sanji is getting from this disjointed story is right, Zoro's father had killed his mother and sister, all for defending the eight-year-old Zoro who he had repeatedly abused. Holy fuck. And Zoro thinks this was his fault. It totally was not, but Sanji can definitely see where he can misconstrue what happened and blame himself for it. He doesn't even know where he would begin to try to comfort Zoro. The only thing he can do is to just hold him close and let him know that he's loved.

"He got my mom first. She was the first one to say anything."

Zoro sniffs between sentences.

"Then my sister. She got a little bolder after watching my mom get hurt."

He's quiet for a long time again, but eventually he continues.

"Before she died, my sister told me to run. I was so scared. I didn't want to leave them, but she made me promise I'd run. And I did. I ran away. I was so afraid someone would make me go back to him. So I hid from everyone until they forgot about me, and I forgot about everything."

Sanji is at a loss for words. For the first time in his life, Sanji can't even come up with anything to respond with. Nothing he says will make this right; nothing will make this better. He just kisses to top of Zoro's head and stays with him.

Surprisingly, Zoro has more to say. Sanji assumed that was the end of it. He wishes that were the end of it.

"And now I'm just like him." What? How is he like him at all? There's nothing between the two of them that is similar. Unless… unless Zoro means the killing. He equates himself to his father because he has a fascination with killing. His father is probably why he has that in the first place. But they aren't similar at all, his father killed out of hatred, it doesn't sound like he was even capable of compassion or love. Zoro on the other hand, as much as he tries to hide it, is one of the most compassionate people Sanji knows.

"Don't you ever say you are anything like him, Zoro." Sanji's heart is broken. There is no way he will let Zoro think that way.

Sanji really wants to know what happened to Zoro's father. Where is he? Is he still alive, is he in jail, was he even caught? He hopes the bastard is dead. He murdered Zoro's mother and sister right in front of him. Holy shit, Zoro watched that happen. No wonder he's so fucked up, even if he couldn't remember it, there was still some part of him that held onto it. Sanji doesn't want to continue with this conversation anymore, Zoro really needs to rest. He's glad he had gotten the moss to eat a little something after dealing with all of this. He brings one of his hands up to stroke Zoro's hair and presses his lips a few times to his head in comfort.

Sanji has no idea how long they've been lying there but he eventually feels Zoro's breathing change to a rhythm that he knows means the man is sleeping. Sanji follow suit not long after.

-:-

When Zoro wakes up he feels like he has a hangover. It's hard to breathe from the amount of sinus blockage he is experiencing which in turn is giving him a major headache. He's groggy and his eye feels heavy.

He's smooshed as close to the cook as he can possibly be. That's probably also why it's hard to breathe; his face is mashed into Sanji's neck and some of his blonde hair is getting into his mouth.

He untangles himself slightly from the cook, pulling the hair out of his mouth. It may smell nice, but it does not taste nice.

He rolls off the cook and stretches his limbs before standing up to use the bathroom. This is one of the few times he has voluntarily gotten out of bed in the past few days. He feels a little bit lighter having recounted what happened, but at the same time it made it all that more real and left it weighing on him in a different way now.

He glances in his newly replaced mirror. Man, he looks like shit. He decides he can deal with his appearance after he pisses, that is a little more urgent. That soup Sanji gave him last night is ready to come out. He concentrates on where he's aiming to keep his mind from drifting back to the events of yesterday, but that doesn't last long as a distraction.

He checks himself in the mirror once again and splashes some water on his face. That makes him feel slightly better. He doesn't feel the dried saltiness from crying stuck to his face anymore. There is nothing he can do about that bruise though. He runs a hand through his hair and decides he should probably take a shower. He can't remember when the last time that was, and usually that means he needs one. The steam from the hot water might help flush his sinuses out, too.

A shower might not have been the best idea right now. The warm water hitting his body feels really nice, and he feels like he can breathe a little bit easier, but he is having a hard time not thinking about them. And why he can even remember them.

Why is it that showers prove to be the most thought provoking activity?

He washes himself quickly and lets the spray hit his back and drip off his nose.

Why does he all of a sudden remember everything?

It happened not long after he woke up on Ace's couch. He felt something breaking through the barriers he had meticulously created all those years ago. It was slow at first, and then all of a sudden it was all there. It must have been a result of hitting his head. That affects memories, doesn't it? He's pretty sure he's seen movies and things that have that as a plot point. Maybe not though, maybe the memories were just ready to resurface. His sister came back to him almost instantly at seeing Tashigi; even if he didn't know who she was, the memory was still there. Maybe once he saw that picture of them and was told who they were, the memories of his family came back. He kind of wishes they stayed buried. At least the last memory he has of them, or any of his father.

He doesn't even deserve to be called that. Everything he had done to Zoro, what he did to his mother and sister. The perpetual beating he received just for existing. How it always got worse if Zoro could smell alcohol on him, the look on his mother's face when he dealt that last blow to him and she intervened for the last time. His sister's pleading eyes when she begged to make him promise to get out and escape his father's fist as the life drained out of her.

When he thinks back to his father he feels an immediate wave of hatred and killing intent. He is forced to crouch down in the shower to get a hold of himself. He concentrates on the pattern the water makes as it hits his back and the feel of the rim of the tub as he holds onto it to ground himself. He takes a few deep breaths and tries to fall back into a serene state of mind.

He really needs to refrain from thinking about him too much, or at all.

Zoro manages to push the feeling away, it didn't manifest too much thankfully. That is not a feeling he wants to wake up with.

At least now he knows where it all stems from.

He stays crouched under the water in attempt to keep the feeling at bay, and because the rhythmic repetition drawn into his back by the droplets feels really nice from down here.

He can feel himself drifting off under the warm spray, letting the heat engulf him and clear his mind. Sleep begins to take over him.

Suddenly he feels a chill from where the shower curtain is supposed to be and a panicked version of the cook's voice.

"Zoro, is everything ok?"

He is pulled back to full consciousness abruptly. He may not have told the cook all the nitty gritty details, but he knows enough now to be worried. And Zoro is pretty sure Robin may have told him something after witnessing the complete breakdown he had. How could she not. He is appreciative that the cook decided to leave the room while that happened. "I'm fine, just fell asleep for a second."

He pulls himself back to a standing position and decides he should probably get out; the water is starting to run cold. If the cook wanted to shower this morning, he might be out of luck unless he wants go use freezing water.

"You sure?" Sanji hands him a towel and runs concerned eyes over him. The cook was probably calling to him through the door and when he didn't respond he feared the worst. Zoro can tell the cook is trying to keep the concern out of his expression and voice as best as he can, but it's still showing a little. As much as Zoro does not want to be fussed over, he does appreciate the sentiment.

He nods in response to Sanji's question and towels himself off.

Sanji watches him for a moment before speaking again. "How are you feeling today?"

Zoro pauses his movements to think over a reply. He doesn't feel great. But he doesn't feel as in despair as he had the past few days. He just feels a different kind of sadness now. It's not the overwhelming emotional build up that he was experiencing, that's already passed. He's definitely at a level of functionality now, but nowhere near where he would like to be. "I don't know. Not worse, but I wouldn't exactly say better. Just different."

The cook seems to accept that as an answer. As long as the answer isn't worse, the cook always seems to be satisfied enough. He grabs the towel Zoro had thrown around his shoulders and pulls Zoro in for a quick kiss. "Ok. I'm glad you're back to talking again. You want breakfast?"

Sanji is using food as a guise to try to brush over his concern for him. Not making light of the situation, but trying not to over react if Zoro really is fine for right now. He pulls the cook closer by the hips and places a kiss on his lips that lasts longer than the previous one. He keeps the distance between them close enough so that their breath is mingling and their lips are just barely touching. He smiles slightly against Sanji's lips. The only time a smile feels genuine is when it's directed towards Sanji. "Breakfast sounds great."

The cook hauls Zoro in for a slightly damp hug. Zoro throws his arms around his cook and returns the embrace. "Zoro, I'm so glad you're back." He can hear a slight shake to his voice and a sniff after he speaks. He hadn't really thought about how all of this would be affecting the cook. It must be really hard watching this all play out without being able to directly do anything about it. The cook sniffs again. "You really scared me."

He tightens his hold on the cook. "I'm sorry." Zoro places a kiss to the cook's neck and nuzzles into his hair. "Are you ok?"

Their entire relationship has revolved mostly around asking Zoro if he was ok, but Zoro hadn't really thought about ever asking the cook. This is the first time the cook has ever really shown any distress from the situation. He always tries to be the one Zoro can lean on, he's so selfless that he would rather Zoro be getting better than worrying about the toll all of this is taking on himself. Zoro resolves to be better about making sure the cook is mentally sound as much as he is making sure Zoro is.

Sanji lets out a breath; he can feel it down the exposed skin of his back chilling him slightly from the moisture that is still clinging to him from the shower. "Yeah, I'm good. As long as you're ok, I'm ok."

"Cook, that's the stupidest thing I've ever hear you say. You know I'm nowhere near ok."

"You know what I mean."

He lets out a huff of laughter when he feels the cook grab his bare ass. "Breakfast first, Sanji."

"I'll have to make something quick then."

God dammit he doesn't know what he would do without his stupid cook. He pulls back just enough to be able to plant a kiss on the cook's mouth. He lets out a real smile. "I love you." He doesn't tell the cook that enough.

"I know you do you stupid moss monster. I love you too. Let's go eat."


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N: Wow, 30 chapters! Never thought I would get this far with this story. And this chapter is a long one! At least for my standards. Also I have absolutely no idea what Sanji is making throughout this chapter, I just needed him to be making something that takes forever and is complicated for plot purposes. If anyone has any idea what this could possibly be that fits that, feel free to let me know. And there is a very, extremely brief and vague mention of self-harm in the beginning of this chapter.**

 **Enjoy!**

Zoro has been reluctant to leave his apartment after what happened. He's not so sure it's all too safe for him to be in public places even when he's with Sanji, or just around his friends. That last episode was too uncalled for and he feels that he has become too unpredictable. He does not want a repeat of that. He still isn't sure what had set him off, and until he figures that out he really isn't too keen on venturing outside only to have it happen again.

As a result he hasn't left his apartment for more than work in the past few weeks. He has even had Robin come to him. He's actually thought about quitting his job so he doesn't hurt anyone. He could never forgive himself if he snapped and hurt a child. Especially now that he remembers what happened to himself as a child. Though he does find an escape at work as he had found when he had first started. Using swords in this manner is therapeutic in a way. Instead of using them to kill, he is using them to teach and enrich other's lives. He uses them to focus himself on something other than his problems. It's an escape similar to the escape he finds in alcohol; only this is a lot less self-destructive and probably works better.

But he finds the alcohol much more convenient since he can drink outside of the gym. Using swords where he would consume alcohol would probably be frowned upon and illegal, especially at the same time. And he is pretty sure the cook would not appreciate him wielding swords all the time. Not that he appreciates his drinking either.

Sanji is really trying to get Zoro's drinking habit under control, but Zoro still finds a way to sneak it. He hates sneaking and lying, especially to the cook, but he's done it for so long that it's become an easy thing to do. And it's gotten easier as his thoughts turn darker. That's another reason he dislikes leaving the apartment. He almost always has alcohol in him as he is constantly battling down his murderous thoughts. They've gotten stronger after he remembered everything. He's not sure if the urges are directed solely toward his father or if they're just an amplified version of what he felt before. Whichever it is, the alcohol helps deaden him on the inside and feel just a little less.

Sanji is in his apartment more often than not. He rarely is not at Zoro's anymore. He brings any paper work that he could be doing at the restaurant over to Zoro's apartment so that he doesn't have any real reason to be anywhere else. He says how he's started trusting the other cooks more to take control of the place even though he is constantly complaining about them and calling All Blue to make sure nothing is on fire or ruined. Zoro is almost one hundred percent sure that Robin had recommended that he stay by Zoro's side. He can see the worry in the cook's eyes when Zoro comes back from the bathroom and Sanji tries his best to inconspicuously check him over, probably for blood.

Not that he would find any.

Zoro has gotten good at hiding that as well.

He's even refrained from doing too much with the cook that doesn't involve clothing unless it's dark to keep him from seeing anything that might tip him off about it. So the cook has been receiving a lot of attention below the belt lately with no reciprocation asked for.

Zoro is almost regretting killing off the organization. While he is glad that he is no longer killing people, though if he doesn't keep himself in check he will most definitely be continuing that, his life while being a part of that god-awful group was so much easier. His life was simpler. He may have been hiding a large part of himself to everyone, but it was only a few hours a month that he was hiding, and that was only for a few months. Not every hour of every day. He wasn't trying to balance keeping the worst of his mental problems to himself while assuring Sanji that everything is not fine but manageable when really it isn't. He wasn't avoiding his friends because he is afraid of what might happen to them, or what they might say. He isn't sure if Luffy and Ace had told anyone else about what they had seen. He hasn't even talked to them about that. They've tried contacting him, but he always tells them it's a bad time or doesn't pick up.

He hasn't even spoken to Nami. He hasn't seen her for far too long. He really does miss her. But it is much too risky to see her. He knows that if anything happens she will not be able to fight him off. She has to know something is wrong. He's surprised she hasn't shown up yet, she's probably in contact with Sanji.

Thinking about how much his life is falling apart is nothing new to him. It's been a normal fixture in his mind for as long as he can remember. It's just gotten to be on a grander scale. As he sits and contemplates this on the couch, Zoro can smell whatever it is that Sanji is making for dinner. It's still pretty early for dinner though. Zoro assumes it's probably just another excuse to be here: cook something that will take a long time to prepare to keep an eye on the crazy boyfriend.

"Hey, cook. When's that going to be ready?"

Sanji jumps at the sound of his voice. Zoro had been silent for a while, lost in thought. "Shit, Marimo, I thought you were asleep." Zoro mumbles out a quick apology. "Hm, probably another two hours or so. You getting hungry? I can make you a snack real quick."

Yep, just as he thought, a purposefully crafted meal that takes hours to make. "Nah, just wondering. You've been in there for hours already."

"Just thought I'd try something new out on you. Not that you'll appreciate it any."

"I appreciate you cooking for me." Zoro is a little taken aback. Has he really been that inattentive to the cook lately? He may be in a dark place but he doesn't want to make the cook feel unwanted. He is very much wanted.

"That's not what I meant, shit head, I know that. I just mean you won't appreciate the intricacies of the flavor I'm creating. You won't appreciate the fine details of how the ingredients mingle in the dish and come together as the final product after hours of cooking time. You'll appreciate how great it tastes, but the rest will be lost on you, sadly."

Oh. That's what he meant. Then he wholeheartedly agrees with Sanji. "Ok, yeah you're right I'm not going to really appreciate it then. I don't understand half of what you were just talking about. Food doesn't mingle."

"I'm going to choose not to respond to that."

Zoro is a little curious about what he's been doing in there for two hours already, so he shoves himself off the couch and makes his way to the kitchen. He peeks over the cook's shoulder like he used to do when he wanted to bother him and watches what he's doing. He's been in there for so long yet he is still finding more things to do. What is he even making? He figures its futile to ask because he probably won't know what it is. It's always best to just wait for the final product and then get a name if he decides its necessary.

"Would you stop breathing down my neck?" Zoro purposefully starts breathing harder. "Seriously, Zoro, quit."

A small smile creeps onto Zoro's face; the kind only Sanji can illicit from him anymore. "I forgot how much you hated this."

"Yeah, and I really did not miss you bothering me in here. I was actually glad that you seemed to grow out of that." Sanji continues the movement his hands are making, doing whatever he can to ignore the closeness that Zoro has created between them.

Zoro inches even closer and places his chin on the cook's shoulder and his hands on his hips while he watches the cook's fluid movements. Despite their intimate proximity, Sanji is still ignoring him. He was kind of hoping to get some kind of reaction out of the cook to distract himself from the self-depreciating thoughts he was having earlier, but it seems that his actions are proving to be fruitless. He is only irritating the cook who is deeply concentrating on his work. He lets out a sigh. "Well, since you have two more hours of this, I think I'm going to take a nap. Wake me up when it's ready." He quickly leaves a peck on the blonde's cheek and retreats to his room where he brings out one of his hidden bottles, downs most of the bottle, and then passes out almost instantly.

-:-

"Luffy, slow down, he's not going anywhere."

"You don't know that! We haven't seen him for weeks, what if he's not even here?"

"If he's not even here, then racing to the top of the stairs is pointless." Her explanation was lost on deaf ears as the overly energetic man runs up the remaining flights of stairs and out of earshot. She sighs and continues the climb after him.

She finally catches up to him where he is standing at Zoro's door, presumably waiting for someone to answer it.

"Nami, no ones answering. He's not here, I told you!"

"Do you know how many times I've knocked on that door and not gotten a response? It does no good. I really don't know why we don't all just have keys to his place." She pulls out her tools and opens the door. She doesn't necessarily need a key; she always brings a way to get in with her to Zoro's. She knows the man too well. He's most likely sleeping; it's too late for him to be at work. Hopefully Sanji isn't included though. Shit, she didn't think about that. Immediately Luffy runs off towards Zoro's bedroom. "Luffy, wait!"

Oh, no what if– She hears a loud grunt of surprised pain. Shit, shit, shit. She follows Luffy to the room and slowly peeks around the doorframe. She lets out a sigh of relief when there is no Sanji in sight. Luffy is sitting atop Zoro's prone body, clearly having just landed on top of him. The green haired man looks very irritated and hardly awake.

"Where the fuck did you come from?"

"Nami let me in."

"Of course she did… Where is the witch anyways?"

"I'm right here you asshole." Zoro looks around Luffy's body at her and offers up the weakest smile she's ever seen from him. He is either feeling really bad for calling her a witch or something is really bothering him. She's betting on the latter given that he's been in hiding for weeks and he normally wouldn't bat an eye at throwing insults at her. The more he seems to wake up, the more she realizes that she was definitely right in thinking something has been bothering him. He looks like utter shit. He looks exhausted; he has dark rings around his eyes, his hair is a mess though that could be from sleeping, and he looks almost drunk.

"Zoro, come hang out with us! We never see you anymore." Luffy bounces on top of Zoro as he speaks. Nami is pretty sure he didn't think about how that looks.

"Luffy, I'm sleeping."

"So? Wake up! Let's go do something."

Nami can see the reluctance in Zoro's eye; he really doesn't want to do anything but he can't think of a good enough excuse to appease Luffy with.

"Luffy…" Zoro sighs and looks back over at Nami with trepidation. Almost like he's not sure he wants her to come any closer. He looks away quickly and focuses back on Luffy. "Look, I'm really tired. Maybe another time." Luffy pouts at him but doesn't move. "Where's Sanji at? How did he even let you back here?"

"I don't know he wasn't here when we came in. Come on, Zoro, get up!" Luffy continues bouncing on the poor man.

Zoro really doesn't want to go anywhere. Nami doesn't know his reasoning but she is not about to force him into it. Luffy may not be able to tell through his excitement at seeing Zoro and his want to hangout with him, but Zoro is not doing so well. Nami can clearly see that; he looks like hell. Maybe Luffy does see it though, and this is his way of trying to cheer him up. She decides a new tactic needs to be implemented.

"How about we hang out with Zoro here, Luffy. He obviously doesn't want to go anywhere."

Luffy lets out an 'aww' but agrees none the less. He seems to just be happy to see his friend. Nami is too.

"Well what do you want to do Zoro?"

"Honestly, I'd love to go back to sleep."

"Ok!" Nami is surprised at how quickly Luffy agreed to that until she realized that he is using that as an excuse to snuggle up to Zoro. He knows Zoro doesn't allow that to happen, but this is the perfect reason for him to do it without getting yelled at. He rolls off of him and lays his cheek on his shoulder. Zoro looks annoyed but resigned nonetheless. He flinches away slightly when Luffy makes contact with him. "Nami come here, there's plenty of room."

Nami shrugs and moves to Zoro's bed; it's not the first time she's had to sleep next to the man. And she really does miss him. He seems like he could use some company from his friends as well, no one has seen him besides Sanji and Robin for weeks. He looked so sad when she first walked in even though he was trying his hardest to hide it, and she knows he could benefit from feeling the love she and Luffy have for him. She copies Luffy's positioning on the green haired man on his opposite side. "You know, you're actually really comfortable for being such a muscle head."

She can feel the annoyance radiate off of him with the soundtrack of Luffy's laughter following. "What is that supposed to mean, you witch?" This is the Zoro she knows. Not the sad faced tired looking man that she walked in on.

"Nothing. Just that your looks are deceiving. Kind of like how you're really not the gruff scary guy that you pretend to be. Underneath it all you're just a big softie." She pats his cheek and receives a growl and an elbow for her comment and actions.

"What would Sanji say if he knew you just hit a girl?" She fakes shock at the action.

"I don't give a shit what he thinks about that, I'll treat you just like I would Luffy." Luffy lets out a 'hey!' after Zoro presumably elbowed him as well. "And he's not here right now so it doesn't even matter." Zoro is silent for a few moments before asking, "Where is the cook anyways? You're sure he isn't here?"

"Positive. He would have come in here by now if he was, wouldn't he?"

Zoro makes an agreeable noise that morphs into annoyance as Luffy gets more comfortable and wraps an arm around him. Nami giggles lightly. Why is bothering Zoro so much fun? It really is the easiest way to keep his mind off of whatever it is that's going on in there.

They talk for a while longer, Nami keeping the topic off of why Zoro has been missing from their gatherings and why he seems so down. Luffy seems to pick up on that and manages to keep the conversation light, just catching him up on daily goings-on and joking in his usual Luffy fashion. Zoro stops talking after a while, either content in just listening or having fallen back to sleep. After a while all three of them drift off.

-:-

Sanji is on his way back to Zoro's after having to run out to the store for a few ingredients he had forgotten. He really thought he had either bought everything or he had some things left over at Zoro's. Oh well. The moss was asleep so he didn't see any harm in running out quickly. He wasn't gone for too long.

He is pretty certain that Zoro is onto his excuses for why he hangs around so much. There is no way that Sanji would mention to him that Robin had recommended that someone be near Zoro as much as possible in case anything were to happen. Not that she thought anything would, she definitely has stated that to Sanji, but just in case. Sanji has kept that at the back of his mind ever since she had brought that up. He is not going to let his moss do anything to harm himself anymore if he can help it. Though he is pretty sure he is sneaking alcohol somehow. He doesn't seem entirely sober anymore. He'll have to talk to him about that later.

Sanji rushes down the streets as quickly as he can, weaving in and out of traffic. He doesn't want the moss to wake up alone, and he left the stove on. It would be a shame to ruin the meal he's been working on for hours, or burn down the apartment.

He is very aware that Zoro was suspicious about what he's been doing today. Why would he choose to make something that required hours of preparation and cooking time unless he needed an excuse to be there as long as possible?

He finally pulls up to Zoro's dilapidated little apartment building and parks his car before climbing the five flights of stairs that have become the bane of his existence. Why hasn't he forced Zoro to spend his time being a literal ball of moss at Sanji's apartment? He at least has a goddamn elevator. At any rate, his ass probably looks amazing by now. He'll have to flaunt that in front of the marimo later, maybe he'll finally get out of his stupid no sex in the living room thing that he's been doing lately. He's been really acting weird about that, and about most things in general actually. Sanji understands the aversion to leaving the apartment, though. He does not condone the hermit life that Zoro has resigned himself to leading, but he certainly understands it. His life has undoubtedly just changed quite a bit and he is terrified of having a repeat of the last experience he had while spending time outside.

When he comes to the door, he is surprised to find it unlocked. How odd, he remembers locking it. He shrugs it off and enters the apartment. After placing the ingredients he had retrieved on the counter and making sure nothing had burned, he heads to Zoro's bedroom to check on him. He better still be there and in one piece damn it.

When he reaches the door he pauses immediately. There are two more people in the bed than he remembers seeing when he left. At first he's a little stunned and feels a sting at seeing his boyfriend in bed with other people until he realizes who they are: Nami and Luffy. His closest yet still platonic relationship that he has with anyone is with these two. Thought Sanji believes the closeness with Luffy isn't by choice on Zoro's part, he's not sure he even had a say in their friendship. Sanji didn't at any rate so it's a safe assumption, especially with the arm that Luffy has around Zoro. Sanji smiles at that, he wonders how difficult it was to get Zoro to agree to that. He knows how he hates anyone that isn't Sanji to know how cuddly he is. He's glad that those two decided to show up. Zoro really needs to see his friends and realize that he isn't going to hurt any of them. If he's going to keep himself locked in his apartment, he needs to at the very least allow people to come see him. And he needs to see those who truly care about him, those who love him, those that he knows Zoro counts as family, and after learning about his biological family he can use all the support he has from his little family right here. He needs them right now, even if they don't really know what they're supporting. Sanji knows they won't care what it is; they just want to be there for him. He also knows they have been trying to reach him and he has been either screening his calls or making up excuses. So he wholly approves of their methods of forcing Zoro into seeing them.

Sanji is now very glad his recipe yields plenty of food. He was planning on left overs, but now that the human garbage disposal is here there won't be. He goes back to the kitchen to finish up cooking dinner. It still has some time left so those three have plenty of time to sleep a little longer and build up an appetite.

Sanji is lost in his own world adding ingredients here, chopping things there, grabbing something else from the fridge, all while cleaning up as he goes. The meal is getting closer to being done, just a little bit longer. He completely misses the moment that Nami joins him. He turns to grab something on the opposite counter only to nearly collide with Nami's generous bosom as she is sitting on the countertop.

"Nami, dear! I didn't realize you were up!" He backs away slowly. He may be with the very manly Zoro, but he can still appreciate a woman's breasts. He does what he can to not be conspicuous about sneaking a peek. He's pretty sure he did a poor job though. At least she knows how much he appreciates her beauty.

She smiles down at him despite his ogling. "I've been up for maybe five minutes. You're quite entertaining to watch while you cook, Sanji. I've never actually seen you so in your element before."

He blushes at the compliment from the fair lady. As Zoro is still asleep, he can fawn all over her as much as he pleases. She knows it means nothing, and so does he. Zoro does too, but he really dislikes watching it happen so Sanji refrains as much as possible when he's around. He never completely stops though, ladies deserve to be treated a certain way no matter what. "Oh Nami, if I knew you were her I would not have been ignoring you!"

"Please, Sanji, pretend that I'm not even here. I would hate to distract you. There seems to be a lot to what you're doing."

"It's not a problem at all. I would actually really enjoy the company. I can talk and cook at the same time." He would also really appreciate some real conversation. As much as he loves Zoro, and loves being around him and helping him and being there for him, he has really been lacking on conversation lately. Sanji could really use a fresh face to speak with. He glances over at her with a smile while he adds a few more things to what he's working on. This is probably one of the most complicated meals he knows how to make. He has to add everything at just the right time or it will be ruined.

She smiles back at him warmly. "If you're sure." Her smile fades into a worried expression. He has an idea of what her next words might be. "I actually wanted to ask you about Zoro."

He was expecting that. "What do you want to ask about? You know he is really the expert in that area." Sanji is still reluctant to talk about Zoro's problems to others.

"Yeah… but I have a feeling I'm not going to get any answers from him. If he hasn't said anything by now willingly, he never will." Sanji concurs with that logic. "How is he, Sanji? When I saw him earlier, he just looked so… sad."

Sanji sighs. There's not getting around it. Zoro's face is more revealing these days. He tries to hide it, but Sanji is pretty sure that he's gotten to a point where it has just become a part of his features. "He's… he's dealing with a lot. I actually really appreciate you guys coming by today, he really needed that."

"We really needed to see him too. We miss him. I'm getting worried about him, Sanji. Please let me know if there's anything any of us can do. You know we wouldn't hesitate. We're all more than happy to help out. I know I am." She holds eye contact with Sanji sending him a very serious look. He has no doubt that she would do anything for Zoro. He knows how close they are, even if they act like they can't stand each other at times. When he first started getting to know them, he thought that maybe the two of them were together until someone had corrected him. They're just that good of friends.

"Of course I'll let you know if there is anything you can do. Actually if you guys would come over here more often that would be great. He really needs to get back into socializing. He can't be a recluse forever. He's going to revert back to his awkward inability to socialize if he keeps this up."

She laughs at that. "You didn't even get to witness that stage. God, I hope he doesn't get back to that… You have no idea how hard it was to bring him out of his shell. He literally didn't have any idea how to talk to people. I felt so bad for him."

He can just imagine the poor marimo in that setting. The large bumbling idiot stumbling over his words, especially around the pretty lady that Nami is. "I have to imagine that's how to two of you got to be so close then."

"Yeah, how'd you guess? As much as Luffy and Ace tried, he just thought of them as annoyances. Even though Luffy was the one to force him to hang out with us, I was the only one that was able to get him to open up at all. Not that it was much, but he learned how to be a proper human quickly enough. He felt most comfortable with me for a while before he started being relaxed enough to really talk to others. It took a while for him to accidently let slip why he was like that, how he grew up alone. After that, none of us blamed him for his actions. We had to go through similar situations almost every time someone new joined the group, but we understood and let him take it slow while he warmed up to people. He had more or less grown out of that by the time you came along."

Sanji is really glad that Zoro ran into Luffy, however that happened. If it had been someone else, he isn't so sure he would have ended up with such a great group of people surrounding him. The two of them talk a little more about Zoro while Sanji finishes up dinner. Nami recounts embarrassing stories of Zoro for Sanji while he puts the finishing touches on the meal.

Just as he finishes up, he finds himself swatting a hand away from the food. Luffy has apparently woken up and is obviously hungry. When isn't he?

"Just hang on, let me get everything ready and you can eat, you little shit."

"But Sanji, I'm hungry now!"

He rolls his eyes at him and tosses him a piece of meat; much like you would a dog. Luffy happily snatches it out of the air with his hand and quickly stuffs it into his mouth. "SANJI THIS IS SO DELICIOUS!"

He loves to make food for Luffy; he always makes him feel like the greatest chef to ever grace the planet. Not that he isn't, he just confirms Sanji's suspicions.

Zoro comes lumbering out of his room while scratching at his chest not long after Luffy had shown up. "Is the food finally ready?"

The poor moss has had to smell the meal for the better part of four hours without getting any of it, which was probably torture.

"It is my dear Marimo. Come grab a plate." He hands the man a full plate and touches his lips the other man's. "Sleep well?"

"I did until these two idiots came barging in. Luffy practically gave me a heart attack. He jumped on top of me while I was asleep." Zoro glares at Luffy as intimidatingly as he can with only one eye.

"Nami is not an idiot." He smacks him in the back of the head. Nami should never be called an idiot, or any of the other things that Zoro insists on calling her.

Zoro grumbles some kind of response.

The four of them settle down around Zoro's living room since his dining table is way too small for all of them to eat at comfortably, especially with Luffy's portion sizes. They eat and talk and joke and the room feels the lightest it's felt in weeks.


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N: Alright, so brief vague mention of self harm again and some homophobia in this chapter. And this is another longer chapter. Enjoy!**

"Zoro, come on let's go."

"I'm not going, I already told you that."

"Yes you are. Get dressed."

"No. I am not." Zoro is sat unmoving on his couch using all of his will power to not look at the cook who is dressed in pants that hug his legs in all the right places. Zoro is pretty sure they should be illegal to wear.

"You don't even have to shower, just put on something nice."

"No."

"You can't stay in here forever, marimo."

"I can and I will. And I am. You can go; I'll be here. I'll have more fun here anyways."

Sanji had been trying to convince him to go out with everyone. They were all going to some bar or club or something and were desperately trying to get Zoro to show up. He is adamantly refusing to go though. He does not do clubs, and he does not go into public places where he could potentially lose his meticulously built up control. He's been doing really well lately in that regard. And in a room packed with that many people, he isn't so sure what might happen to him. So he feels much more comfortable on his couch.

The cook moves into his line of sight and bends down to look him in the eye. "This isn't just about you not liking clubs, is it?"

Zoro looks through him. He doesn't want to start that conversation.

"Zoro, we'll all be there. You'll have like nine of us there if anything happens. And I won't leave your side if that'll help. Not that I would have much reason to anyways." He looks into Zoro's eye with a pleading puppy dog expression. Zoro is having a really hard time ignoring him. "What if I promise you something for later?" He places a hand to Zoro's thigh and slowly moves it up between his legs. Zoro sets his jaw and hardens his stare past Sanji. He will not give in that easily. He does not under any circumstances want to go. He has worked too hard to get himself to this state of mind. He is not ruining it for one night. Sanji sighs heavily. "I guess you're fine with passing up a night to drink all you want then…" He straightens up and heads to the bathroom leaving Zoro to contemplate his latest offer.

Zoro groans internally. He does hate clubs, and he does not want to be in a public space. But all he can drink? No sneaking alcohol or having his drinks monitored? That could definitely help convince him. He could get smashed and ignore his surroundings. Block everyone else out. And if the cook is near him all night…

It would make the cook and his friends happy, and he can drink as much as he wants.

He follows the blonde over to the bathroom and glares at him from the doorway.

"All I can drink…?" He narrows his eye at the cook and looks at him skeptically.

"I promise. I know this would be asking a lot of you, and I'm not going to take away the one thing that will make it more comfortable for you. So yes, all you can drink." Sanji doesn't look all too happy about it though. He adds something else a little under his breath. "And it isn't like you don't already indulge while you're here…"

He gives Sanji a surprised look. He knows about that? He thought he'd been hiding it all really well.

Sanji returns his surprise with a roll of his eyes. "Oh come on, Zoro. You really think I haven't noticed you sneaking alcohol? You reek of the stuff most of the time. But we can talk about that later. Are you going to come with, or not?"

Sanji really wants him to go if he's giving him full access to the bar. "I can leave anytime I need to, right?"

"Of course." Sanji responds while primping in the mirror. Fixing his hair just right, straightening his shirt, smoothing his pants. "Just let me know and we'll get out of there." He turns to look him in the eye. "But only if you need to, not because you decide you just hate the club."

Damn it, Zoro's plan to drink as much as quickly as possible and then bail is out then. Maybe he could use a night out of the apartment… He hasn't seen everyone for a while. The only time he sees any of them is if they show up unannounced. And that usually is only Nami, Luffy, and Ace. Robin is a special circumstance where she has an allotted time that she comes for their appointments. But the rest of them he hasn't seen in… however long he's kept himself cooped up inside for.

He mumbles out a confirmation that he'll go.

"What was that, marimo?"

"I'll go."

Sanji's face lights up as he grabs Zoro's arm and over to his drawers. "Alright, well now I have the task of making you presentable." He quickly opens and closes drawers, taking out shirts and pants before settling on one of each. "You don't have any nice shoes do you?"

Zoro looks to him with an offended expression. "My boots are nice enough."

Sanji gives him a disgusted look. "At least you'll have shoes on. I'll have to bring you some next time…"

He looks down to the cook's shoes and sure enough he has some fancy leather dress shoe things on his feet that Zoro would never look twice at if he were buying shoes. What's wrong with his boots? They do what they need to.

"Alright, get dressed. We have to meet everyone soon."

He pulls on his pants and shirt after discarding his sweatpants. He brushes his teeth and ruffles his hair in the mirror so it looks like it was meant to be that messy. Good enough. The cook comes by and sprays something on him and mumbles something about not letting him smell too much like himself. He's the one who said Zoro didn't have to shower…

They're out the door and on their way to meet up with everyone within ten minutes.

"Promise me you'll let me know if you need anything. Don't just bottle it up, drink it away, and let it get worse."

"I will."

Sanji's making it sound like Zoro begged to come.

They show up at Ace and Luffy's, their designated meeting place. They're all walking over together as the brother's apartment is near their destination. When they reach the front door, Zoro gets a little nervous. He hasn't seen a lot of them for quite a while. How are they going to react to him? Will they be upset that he's been neglecting their relationships? He quickly pushes the anxiety over to the same place he's been keeping his murderous thoughts recently. Compartmentalizing was something Robin had suggested and once he had figured out how to do it has been working out pretty well so far. Well, that and some home remedies that he doesn't feel comfortable sharing with anyone.

The door opens and they enter into a room of noise and commotion. Some of them have already started drinking and dancing. Others are just idly chatting with each other. Everyone turns to them when they cross into the room though. And everyone gives a loud cry of 'ZORO!' when they see him. He gets ambushed by hugs and shouts of 'how are you' as he tries to make his way to the kitchen to ease the anxiety that is now coming forth. Too much at once after not having this much stimulation for too long. When he reaches the kitchen door, they've all left him as they figure he'll be coming back out once he's fixed a drink.

He spies a bottle while in the kitchen, downs some of it and pours some more into a cup. No need to let everyone on to his growing alcohol problem, even if he used to walk around the apartment with a bottle long before he stopped hanging around. He swallows a few more mouthfuls from the bottle before heading back out.

He slips back next to his blonde who is is talking to Brook. Sanji doesn't see his friends often anymore either since he is mostly making sure Zoro is still sane.

"Zoro, you made it out! We were all hoping Sanji would be able to convince you."

His anxiousness is slowly receding; no one seems to be hurt that he hasn't been around. He gives a convincing smirk. "Yeah, I figured you guys probably missed me by now."

"Indeed we did." Zoro's brow scrunches as he listens to the man laugh. He is still not used to the shrill sound that comes out of Brook when he is amused.

Zoro feels a tap on his shoulder and turns to see nothing. "Zoro! You're here!"

He glances down slightly and catches sight of brown waves on a young doctor. He can feel a small smile form on his mouth. "Hey Chopper. How's it going?"

"I'm great! More importantly, how are you? I haven't seen you in like almost two months." Zoro was about to lie about how he's doing fine but he never got the chance. "You look good, Zoro. Probably better than when I last saw you. I'm glad you seem to be happier."

Zoro does all he can to keep his smile plastered to his face. All he can manage to say to that is: "Yeah." He catches sight of Nami and quickly excuses himself from that conversation. He doesn't want to lie too badly to the little doctor, and he doesn't really want to listen to how great he supposedly looks. Because he knows he should not be looking so great. He's been hiding in his apartment for he doesn't even know how long he's lost count by now and wrestling with his sanity. He'll catch up with Chopper later when he's had a few more drinks. Maybe it'll be easier to pretend he's ok then.

He wanders over to Nami while keeping the cook within sight as often as he can in case he needs to get his attention. He really hopes they'll be leaving soon; he'd like to get out of here. Once they get to the club there will be less chance of them talking to him.

On his brief walk over to the orange haired girl, he receives a squeeze on the shoulder from Ace and a questioning look. As if he's asking if he's all right without having to say anything. Zoro returns the gesture with a smirk and a nod and continues on his path.

Nami is conversing with Usopp. Usopp was his original source of unease when his life began to fall apart faster than he expected. He holds his breath as they make eye contact. The curly haired man doesn't seem to remember that Zoro is a vicious killer whom he was briefly cautious of. His face lights up and he practically hops on top of Zoro in an embrace. "ZORO WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" He looks to Nami for help but she shakes her head and laughs at the sight. Zoro slowly brings his hands to Usopp's back in attempt to hug him back. He finally lets go. "Seriously Zoro, what happened to you? We've been trying to get you to come over. We've been having tournaments on the Xbox and I really could have used you on my team! I did win every time without your help of course. But it would have been nice to have you cheering me on." Usopp may be good but there is no way he beat Ace and Luffy on his own. Zoro rolls his eye at the obvious lie. And his obvious use of misdirection to avoid the 'I missed you' that he was trying so hard to hold back.

"I missed you too Usopp." Usopp breaks into a teary eyed grin and hugs Zoro again. "Alright, alright, I get it. I've been gone for a while. Please stop with the hugging." He peels himself away from the man and turns his attention to Nami. "So when are we getting out of here?"

"Soon. Now that you and Sanji have showed up, we're all here. The quicker you finish that drink, the quicker I'm sure we'll leave."

He looks down at his half filled cup and back at Nami. "You really think this is going to take me long?"

"No. But if you want to leave now, I'd finish it."

He takes her advice and throws it back before setting the empty cup on the first flat surface he finds. "Alright. Can we head out? I was promised all the booze I can drink tonight, and I would like to get a head start on that."

"So that's how he convinced you to come out. I was wondering how he managed that."

"I wonder if booze would work on you for anything…" Usopp muses out loud with a hand on his chin and eyes squinted as he contemplates Zoro.

Nami interrupts his thought. "Don't even think about it Usopp. I'm actually really surprised Sanji promised you that. I know how hard he's been trying to get rid of all your hidden bottles."

"He what?"

"Oops… did I say that out loud?" Zoro is about to take this up with Sanji when he feels a hand grab his arm. "Zoro… now you know I can easily up that interest rate on the money you owe me…"

"Are you fucking serious? That was like 5 years ago, how are you still bringing that up? And that was from a bet that you unfairly made me agree to."

"You still agreed it's totally fair."

"Oh my god. If you're going to be that persistent about it I'll just pay you the goddamned money. Next time you stop by I'll just give you cash-"

"Zoro I am not taking dirty money from you!"

"It's not dirty money. Exactly."

"It's money from killing people. That is dirty money! I do not want money you got from killing people."

"Well maybe if you hadn't tacked on the most ridiculous interest rate to the most ridiculous reason to owe you money then I could pay you with something I had earned from my other jobs."

"What was this bet?" A new voice joined their argument. Fuck, why did the cook have to overhear that.

"Nothing." Sanji looks from Zoro to Nami. Nami looks like she would gladly tell the cook what this bet was about, but Zoro shoots her his deadliest glare and she keeps her mouth shut.

He is not letting the cook know about that. It is way too embarrassing and Nami knows it. "It's not that interesting, really. It was from a long time ago. I just like to hold it over his head since he could never afford to pay me. At least I didn't think he could." She looks back to Zoro. "You could have paid me any time you wanted couldn't you?"

"Well, yeah. But I couldn't exactly whip out a wad of cash without you asking me questions."

"Who says I would have asked?"

"Please, if you saw me with that much cash you would have begged me to tell you how I got it so you could make just as much if not more."

She thinks about it, then shrugs and nods in a conceding gesture.

"I still want to know why he owes you so much-"

"Hey, why don't we all head out? We've been hanging around here for a while." Sanji looks Zoro over like he's trying to figure out just what happened five years ago. He's never going to know though.

Nami thankfully agrees with his idea to leave and gets everyone else on board as well. They file out of the apartment and over to the club after a brief walk. There is a considerable line to get inside, but it's moving fast and they get in shortly after arriving.

Zoro heads immediately over to the bar and orders his first round of drinks. The music is too loud, there are too many people, and he is far too sober. But he agreed to this, so he is going to suck it up for as long as he can. He works on ignoring the want to rip apart the people who are bumping into him at the bar as he swallows his first drink and orders another.

He can feel an arm snake around his waist and hears the cook speaking in his ear. "Hey, you all right?"

The cook is already asking about that? They just got here. He takes a mental check of himself and realizes his grasp on the counter is turning his knuckles white and his jaw is clenched almost painfully. That's probably why he's worried. He relaxes slightly. Less people are bumping into him now that Sanji has is arm around him. There are small perks to being in a gay relationship in public, especially when you're Zoro and don't want anyone else to bother or touch you. "I'm fine."

"I know I said 'all you can drink' but don't over do it. I would rather not be dragging your ass home at the end of the night."

"I can handle my liquor way better than you can, cook."

"I know you can. But I also know you can over do it. It wouldn't be the first time that I've practically carried you to bed."

He ignores the comment and pays for his next drink when it arrives. Sanji orders something as well and after he receives his drink, drags Zoro away from the bar and over to everyone else. They're gathered around a small table. Zoro stands on the outside of the little circle they've formed. He's not interested in being too social anymore and he can't even hear them anyways. He just sips on his drink and gauges how difficult it will be to make it back over to the bar through the crowd. He glances down at his nearly empty cup and figures he might as well head back over. He's just standing here anyways. He motions to the group what his plan is and finds himself back at the bar after fighting his way over. He orders two doubles, finishes one at the bar and brings the other back to the table. Half of the group has left to go dance, luckily Sanji was not one of them. He can feel the alcohol affecting him already. He's had more than he realized. He had forgotten he had been drinking all day as well. Zoro stands next to the cook and leans his body against his. Sanji turns to face him and Zoro catches his lips with his own.

"Oh, someone's loosened up, hasn't he?"

"Shut up." He leans in again and kisses the blonde who breaks the kiss and grabs his arm in attempt to bring him to the throng of dancing bodies. Zoro reluctantly follows. He doesn't really want to go over there, but the alcohol in his system is convincing him to keep walking. And he still has a full drink to finish while he's over there, so it couldn't be too bad could it?

Sanji starts moving on him in a way that Zoro does not think should be considered dancing. No one on the dance floor is dancing. They're all just grinding their bodies together in a way that is more pornographic than it is dancing. But he is not complaining if he can have the hot sweaty blonde rubbing up against him like this. Sanji is usually not that into public affection towards Zoro, which is funny since he is totally not shy about that when it comes to women, which pisses Zoro off to no end. But right now, there is no denying that the cook is at the very least attracted to Zoro, let alone his lover, and everyone around them knows it. He grabs the cook and turns him around before pulling him closer so that he can kiss him. He pushes his tongue into Sanji's mouth and ravishes him. He runs a hand from the blonde's hair down to his ass while still holding his half consumed drink in the other. The blonde grinds up against him and breaks the kiss to continue what he considers dancing. Sanji turns back around and grinds his ass on Zoro. He feels a surge of want run through him. He pulls the cook closer with his free hand on his hip and follows his movements while leaning down slightly to suck at his neck. He takes in Sanji with all of his senses. He breathes him in. Zoro shuts out everything else around him; right now it's just him and Sanji; nothing else exists. They continue dancing against each other and Zoro loses all sense of time. He has no idea how long they have actually spent out there.

Shit, if he keeps this up he's going to be practically fucking the cook right here. He backs off slightly to keep himself from getting hard. Zoro enjoys the show and reciprocates in moving his hips when he deems it necessary.

Zoro had long since finished his drink, as had Sanji, so he offers to get them some refills. He returns back to the table their group had claimed and hands the blonde his new drink.

"Did I just see you dancing?" Nami has an arm around his shoulders and is speaking directly into his ear since it is impossible to hear each other over the music.

"Maybe." He's in too good of a mood right now to even deny it completely.

He doesn't want to think too hard on it right now, but he's feeling pretty okay. The alcohol and the distraction the cook had just given him have cleared his mind up pretty well for the time being. He smiles at the cook who is busy sucking on the straw in his cup. "What?"

Zoro can't really hear him, but the question was obvious from how he moved his mouth and his facial expression. He just shakes his head and leans in for another kiss. Zoro ignores some of the distasteful stares they receive every time he does that. He couldn't care less. He does need to use the bathroom though. He's built up quite a lot a liquid from his continuous drinking. He informs Sanji of where he's headed and pushes his way over to the back where the bathrooms are located. Why they're in the back is a mystery to Zoro. Shouldn't they be in a more easily accessed area? The thought leaves him quickly once he finds himself in the brightly lit room. He relieves himself and stops at the sink. He stares at himself in the mirror and realizes that he really looks drunk. He didn't think he drank that much, but as he thinks back he did have quite a lot to drink before he headed out. And since he only sees through one eye now, the double vision to let him know how intoxicated he really is doesn't manifest anymore. Oh well, he feels fine. He's about to head back to the cook when someone bumps into him more forcefully than he would expect while in the men's room. Zoro turns to get a look at who practically shoved him only to realize it was those bastards who were giving him and Sanji nasty looks.

Oh shit. Last time something like this happened he nearly killed someone. He decides he needs to just get out of this situation before anything more happens.

That was wishful thinking though.

"Shouldn't you be in the lady's room?"

He tries his best to let it just roll off of him. He has no idea why these assholes insist on trying to get under Zoro's skin. The few people that aren't intimidated by him seem to be the idiots of the world. He turns back and continues his exit from the bathroom until he feels a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, I'm talking to you."

He closes his eye and takes a deep breath. This is not happening right now. He does not need to do anything about this. He can control himself. He follows the steps Robin had told him to take to overpower this feeling.

It's not having any effect right now, though.

This could have been such a good night, too. Everything was actually going well for once. He really should have known better.

He reaches down to his left hip and runs his fingers just below his waistband feeling the shallow cuts he had left there, digging his nails into them hard in an effort to satiate the growing need.

"What the fuck are you doing? Is he taking his pants off?"

"Oh my god, he is a fucking freak."

He feels a shove to his back. He opens his eye and finds a spot in front of him to concentrate on. He is shoved harder, this time through the bathroom door and out into the club. The idiots who decided harassing Zoro was a good idea have followed him out there though to continue.

Fuck it. He's had enough. He tried his hardest to hold back, but that was the last straw. He can feel his control leaving him and he doesn't even care. He grabs the one who shoved him the first time by the shirt and punches him in the face drawing a stream of blood from his nose. The others rush him and try to pull their friend out of his grasp, only to receive blows as well. It's three against one, but it hardly seems fair. Those bastards are definitely over powered. They gang up on him at once though and manage to get Zoro out into the middle of the crowded club and tackle him to the ground. He throws them off and climbs on top of the closest one. He starts smashing his fist into his face while he gets kicked from both sides from the other two. They manage to throw him off of their now bleeding friend and take him on, two on one. Zoro doesn't even register that he is in the middle of the crowded club beating the snot out of these useless assholes. He just continues beating on one and then the other until someone from the crowd collects their senses enough the pull them away from each other. Zoro just twists out of the grip and punches that guy too, only to be restrained by someone else more successfully. He makes an attempt to free himself from this restraint too, until he hears a familiar voice.

"Whoa, bro, what's going on here?"

Franky is the one who's got him. He's not getting out of this hold and he knows it. He grudgingly lessens his attempts to release himself until the bastard he was just using as a punching bag on the floor gets back up and uses his immobile position to his advantage. He lands a solid punch to Zoro's gut. Zoro in turn snarls and head butts Franky who lets him go in favor of grabbing his most likely bleeding nose.

Zoro heads after his attacker through the crowd that is parting for them, trying to avoid being caught up in the fight. He shoves the asshole to the ground and begins beating on him again. The other guy is hardly fighting back anymore, but Zoro can't stop. He just keeps hitting him, totally unable to control his actions.

Suddenly he is no longer on top of the other guy but sprawled out on the ground staring up at the crowd around him. He sees the blonde entering his vision and feels pressure on his throat.

"What the fuck are you doing?" The cook has a foot resting precariously on Zoro's throat, applying slight pressure. "You can't go anywhere, so calm down." If Zoro were to try to get up right now, he would probably choke himself. He reaches up and wraps his hands around Sanji's leg partly in an effort to ease the pressure that is threatening to close off his air supply and partly to use it as a way to ground himself in reality.

He closes his eye and takes a few deep breathes while utilizing any technique Robin had tried to get him to use. One of them finally works and he can feel his mind coming back under his control. That might actually be one of the first times he's gotten himself back after being that far gone. He counts it as a small victory. He lets go of Sanji's leg and in turn Sanji lifts his foot off of him. He leans down and reaches a hand out to pull Zoro off the floor.

He leans in close to Zoro to speak to him in a low tone. "Are you back?"

"Yeah, I'm ok now."

Zoro looks around and realizes that almost the entire club is watching them. They've all stopped what they were doing and gathered to witness Zoro losing his mind. Security comes up to Zoro and tells him he has to leave. He gladly heads to the exit with Sanji in tow.

When they get outside the cook berates him. "I thought you were going to tell me if something was going on? Did it just slip your mind that maybe you should not try to beat people up? Dammit Zoro, you-"

"Stop blaming me for this. It's not my fault. I didn't even want to come anyways. You don't know what happened, and you don't know how fucking hard it is for me to hold myself together at any given moment."

The cook takes a deep breath and sighs it out. "I'm sorry, I know it's not your fault. I shouldn't have forced you to come out…" Zoro is looking away from him, but Sanji grabs his face and turns it to look at him. "Tell me what happened."

"Just some homophobic bastards trying to get to me." Sanji rubs his thumb over Zoro's face; Zoro winces when he runs it over a spot that will most likely bruise.

"What'd they say to you?" Sanji's protective instinct is kicking in.

"Nothing that bad really. They just started shoving me around, and then, well, you saw what happened after that."

"Dammit. I told you I wouldn't leave you alone. I should have gone with you."

"It's not your fault either, cook." Usually Zoro would blame himself for his actions, even if he had no control, but this he blames fully on those fuckers. They provoked him and pushed him until he retaliated. He tried to hold back, but they were hell bent on getting a reaction out of him. They just didn't seem to realize they picked the one man to mess with they should have avoided. He doesn't blame the cook either. It isn't his fault for convincing Zoro to come out; Zoro had agreed, it was his choice. He was actually having a good time up until a certain point. And the cook shouldn't have to follow him around to keep an eye on him. He probably should have, but they both seemed to think everything was going fine. How much trouble could he have gotten in on a trip to the bathroom?

The rest of their friends join them outside not long after they had left the club. Franky is holding bloody napkins to his face while everyone else is either trying to make sure his nose isn't broken or staring at Zoro without getting too close to him. He must have looked a little deranged in there.

"Is Franky's nose ok?"

Sanji glances over to where Zoro is looking. "I'm sure he's fine."

Zoro doesn't want to talk to any of their friends. He's embarrassed about what happened. He didn't want them to know about any of that. He doesn't want to answer questions or continue getting the stares that he's receiving. "Can we go home?"

"Yeah, let's get out of here."

The two of them leave without even saying anything to anyone. Sanji seemed to sense Zoro's urgency.

They finally arrive back at Zoro's. He's ready to just call it a night. He pulls out one of his hidden bottles, the cook knows about them anyways it's useless to hide it now, and finishes it off. He flops on his bed and lets the self resentment take over. Is he going to be like this forever? He really thought he was making some kind of progress, but he can't even go outside without anything happening.

He can feel his phone buzzing in his pocket. He really doesn't want to talk to anyone right now, but he doesn't think he can ignore since it's probably one of his friends making sure he's ok, or letting him know that he broke Franky's nose.

He reluctantly rolls to his back and fishes his phone out of his pocket.

"Hello?"

 _"Zoro, are you home?"_ It was Nami.

"Yeah."

 _"What happened?"_

"I don't want to talk about it, Nami." He runs his free hand over his face and catches the sound of the cook entering the room. He hears a sigh on the other end of the phone. She was probably expecting that answer but thought she'd try anyways. "How's Franky?"

 _"Well, you did manage to break his nose…"_ Of course he did. _"Chopper reset it though, so he's fine."_

Zoro doesn't really have anything else to say to her. He was about to just hang up, but she kept talking.

 _"Is everything all right, Zoro? I've been trying not to ask since I know how you are with talking about things, but after tonight…"_

He still doesn't want to admit to anyone else besides the cook and Robin that he's not ok. Even though he knows they all know he isn't. There's really no denying it now, they were all there to witness Zoro lose it tonight. "I'm dealing with it." That's as close as he'll get to admitting anything.

 _"Ok. Goodnight, Zoro."_

"Night." He hangs up and drops his phone to the floor.

He feels the bed dip as Sanji gets into bed next to him. "I'm actually proud of you, Zoro."

"What? Why?" He just got himself kicked out of a club for beating up three people, he's probably not even allowed back there. And he broke their friend's nose.

"Because you were able to come back all by yourself."

"You had to hold me down until I was sane again. I wouldn't exactly call that all by myself."

"I would. I may have held you there, but you did the rest all on your own; no one talked you down and no one knocked you out. That was all you."

He contemplates what the cook said as he snuggles up to the blonde and he lets the all the alcohol he's consumed slowly take him under into a dreamless sleep.

Maybe he is progressing in the right direction.


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: The end of this chapter feels weird to me, like I ended it on a weird sentence or something. But I'm having side effects from vaccines I got today for my upcoming move and my head is all out of it, so I don't have the brain power to fix it.**

 **Warning for this chapter: self harm mentions.**

Ever since that fateful night last week when Zoro lost it at that club, he has been avoiding everyone like the plague, more so than he had before because now they know. Even though Sanji and Robin had both told him that he seemed to be making some kind of progress since he was able to control himself, even if it was just a little, he seems to think that incident was a major set back. Sanji has been telling him that just because that happened doesn't mean he's slipping backwards. Just because he hadn't had any mishaps before then doesn't mean he's getting worse. He went a long time without leaving his apartment for anything other than work, so he was never given the chance to see how he was really doing. Sanji would definitely say he is doing a lot better than he had thought. The first episode he had since that day in the park, and he was actually able to bring himself back on his own. From Sanji's point of view, that was a huge change. At the park, he was completely gone. Now that Sanji looks back on it, no matter how angry he is that someone had smashed Zoro's head into the ground, he sees that that was probably the only way he was going to be stopped. No matter how much Sanji would like to think that if he talked to him they could have avoided that.

But Zoro does not see what happened at the club as Sanji does. He may admit that he might be progressing a little, that he was able to get himself under control somewhat on his own. But he doesn't attribute that all to himself, and he really doesn't trust himself in public.

He's holding himself back now.

Zoro is spending another entire day wasted on the couch. And Sanji means wasted in every sense of the word. For one, he is doing absolutely nothing other than lying on the couch watching shit television and being unproductive. And by another definition, he is completely drunk.

Once Sanji had let him know that he was aware of his new habit of sneaking alcohol and had been finding his various hiding spots for the stuff, Zoro had pretty much given up on trying to be discreet about it. Now he spends his days with a bottle in hand.

Sanji walks over to a zoned out Zoro and snatches the bottle he was dangling over the side of the couch.

As soon as the bottle leaves his hand, Zoro snaps at him. "Give that back."

"Nope."

"Sanji, give it back." His tone is getting sharp.

"No."

"I'm drinking that."

"Not anymore." Zoro sits up and glares at the blonde. "Just because I know about this," Sanji motions to the bottle, "does not mean I condone it. I don't even know where you keep getting it… Every time I get rid of one bottle a new one shows up."

"Then you should stop throwing them out."

"Not a chance."

Zoro looks like he's about to come after Sanji, but manages to keep himself sat firmly on the couch. "Give it back or-"

"Or what? What are you going to do, Zoro? Yell at me some more? You've been yelling at me for the past week. I think I can handle a little more if it means you're not drinking yourself into oblivion."

Sanji has really been trying to get Zoro to ease up on the liquor a bit. Just a little. But all of his efforts seem to have been in vain. The marimo has been drinking himself closer to all out alcoholism, if he wasn't there already. He's getting tired of this behavior. He knows it helps him, or at least he says it does. He claims the alcohol helps to keep his disturbing thoughts at bay more so than if he was sober. Sanji can buy that; Zoro had been using alcohol as a crutch in that manner long before they had met. But this is getting way out of control. He drops the bottle off in the kitchen to be dealt with later and returns back to the couch to confront Zoro.

He's dealing with the marimo now.

Zoro sighs as he sits next to the man. "I know that look. Can we please not do this right now?"

"We're talking about this. There has to be a better way, Zoro."

"You don't think I've tried to find something else? You think I want to do this all day? You think I want to be like this?"

"You sure act like it." Zoro turns away from him and growls. This arguing isn't getting them anywhere. So Sanji tries a different tactic to getting to the marimo. "Hey, what happened to you meditating? That was helping wasn't it?"

The marimo shrugged slightly. "A little."

"Why don't you try that again? Maybe if that works you can cut back on the alcohol." Zoro just huffs in response seemingly unconvinced that anything else is going to work in his favor, and because he doesn't want to give up the liquor. "Can you try? I really hate seeing you like this."

Zoro seems to consider his words. He slowly turns back to Sanji, and to Sanji's surprise he has slight concern in his eye. He reaches a hand out to Sanji's face and gently runs his thumb across his skin while his fingers tangle through his hair. The gentle and caring Zoro that Sanji fell in love with is a little rare to see these days. He's been a lot more combative and gruff. "Are you doing alright?"

"Zoro, we're not talking about me, you're the one that-"

"I asked how you're doing. I'm not the only one being affected by this. Especially with how I've been lately."

Sanji had really been neglecting himself in favor of making sure the marimo is not slipping back to darker places. He's been here everyday, almost all day unless he had to stop by the restaurant or run a few errands. He's practically moved in. He's been exhausting himself keeping himself and Zoro fed, keeping Zoro from drinking himself into a stupor everyday, cleaning up after Zoro, getting Zoro to show up to work somewhat sober and be ready whenever Robin shows up for her visits with him. And he's been doing all of this while watching the man he loves wrestling with his sanity and dealing with his traumatic past. He hasn't thought much on it, but now that he is, he realizes that his mental state is a little sub par to what it had been before Zoro's downward spiral. And if Zoro is asking about it, then it must be showing. "I'm alright."

Zoro gives him an unconvinced look. "Do you know how long I've been saying that to people? Don't think I can't spot that bullshit a mile away."

He's right. That was stupid to try to lie to Zoro about that. Sanji breathes a laugh. "I've been better."

"I thought so." Zoro doesn't return his attempt at lightening the mood. Instead his gaze grows more serious. "I'm sorry I put you through all of this."

"You don't need to apologize, marimo."

"No, I do. You spend all day making sure I'm not going off the deep end. You basically take care of me, you feed me, you pry bottles out of my hand no matter how much of a fight I put up. I've been hard to deal with. I know it can't be easy being on the other end of this. I'm sorry I don't act more appreciative. You know I love you. I love everything you do for me. I'm sorry I've been such an asshat lately."

"You have been a bit of an asshat." Zoro has taken to yelling at him more often out of frustration for being denied alcohol and because he needs something to take the pent up anger he has towards his father out on. Sanji's been dishing it back just as well as Zoro had been giving it, but it has taken its toll.

"I'm going to try to be better. I promise."

"You could try leaving the apartment, too…" Zoro makes a face at that suggestion. "Is that asking too much?"

"How about I just stick to making this up to you for now?"

"We'll work our way to up to it then." Zoro sighs but makes no move to agree. At least he's not saying no.

Zoro moves himself a little closer to Sanji. "Mm, now for my first act of making it up to you…" He leans in and places his lips over Sanji's, moving over them once he feels Sanji respond.

Sanji pulls away slightly. "You think sex is going to work on me?"

"Thought it couldn't hurt. Why, are you telling me it won't?"

"I said no such thing." Zoro looks like he's about to argue that technically Sanji kind of did say that, so the blonde covers his mouth with his own. The marimo seems to think this is way more important than that technicality because he is pushing Sanji down on the couch and climbing on top of him while pulling at his shirt.

Sanji is very glad that Zoro seems so enthusiastic about this because he really hasn't been recently. He would either just suck Sanji off and then call it a night, or insist that they be in the bed. He's been really weird about sex lately. He hasn't even let Sanji take his pants off unless they were in his room where he always seemed to turn the lights off. He hadn't really thought much of it, though. Zoro's been acting weird in general, so he assumed this was just an extension of that.

But now it looks like he's going to allow sex on the couch. Sanji is mentally fist pumping. It might not be the most comfortable, but this is the most adventurous they've been in a while. And that says a lot; couch sex is just above bed sex in a list of adventurous locations to Sanji. He hasn't gotten a good look at some of his favorite parts of the marimo in a while. And he really does like to make the man feel good, and he hasn't gotten to do a whole lot of that lately.

Sanji manages to flip their position, which was quite a feat since they were on the couch. He shoves Zoro's shirt up and kisses and licks at his chest while running his hands all over him, finding those spots he knows drive Zoro crazy. Zoro quickly discards his shirt and just let's Sanji take the lead.

Sanji can feel the arousal in Zoro's pants. He places a hand on his erection and kneads it, eliciting a needy moan from the other man.

Zoro has his hands on Sanji's back, and he can feel the marimo digging his nails into his skin slightly. Zoro really must have been depriving himself because of his weird behavior if this is how he's reacting to Sanji's touch. He's hardly done anything yet.

Sanji makes his way further down the tanned torso and begins to pull off his pants. He gets his fingers under the waistband and the fabric starts to slip down his waist, but all of a sudden Zoro's hands are on top of his own holding his baggy sweatpants in place.

Sanji looks up to him questioningly. "What's wrong, marimo?" He looks a little panicked.

"Nothing."

"Then let me-"

"I'm supposed to be doing this to you. I'm making things up to you."

"You can make it up to me by letting me do this. I want to make you feel good, you haven't let me in a while."

Sanji pulls on his pants with a little more force to counter Zoro's hold. "Don't. Please."

He looks up to the marimo again, making eye contact. Zoro's eye is pleading for him to stop. He's obviously not going to keep going if Zoro doesn't want it. He lessens his grip, but since Zoro's hands are still on top of his he can't let go completely. The other man visibly relaxes when he realizes his pants are no longer being pulled off.

Sanji glances down with a confused expression to the pants in question. Why is Zoro being so- Sanji's eye catches streaks of lighter colored skin on the marimo's hip, some more pinkish and others darker still. He pulls on the sweatpants a little more and reveals the cuts he's been leaving on his skin. "Zoro-"

He quickly pulls his pants back to his waist and pushes Sanji off of him as he gets off the couch to head for his room.

"Zoro get back here." Sanji launches himself off the couch after him. He finds Zoro sitting on the edge of his bed with his head resting in his hands, his elbows on his knees. Sanji slowly approaches him and sits near him on the bed. He wants to reach out to him, but he doesn't want to startle him. He's not really sure what to do. He sits in silence as he contemplates how to begin.

Sanji looks over to Zoro and notes that he is breathing a little erratically all of a sudden and his fingers are tangled into his short green hair. It looks like he's clawing at his scalp.

He thinks he knows what's going on here, so he sits quietly and makes no move to touch the man. He does nothing to even alert him of his presence. If Zoro is doing what he thinks he's doing, then interrupting him may be a very bad idea for both of them. He doesn't actually see this often, especially since Zoro knows when it's going to happen and he goes off to deal with it alone, but he knows enough of the marimo's behavior to be able to figure out what this is. He thinks of maybe leaving him alone, but he doesn't want him hurting himself anymore. Because this is definitely when he's hurting himself.

That's how Zoro's been controlling himself so well lately.

It doesn't seem like he's being very successful in calming himself down right now, though. Maybe he's gotten too reliant on self-harming. This could potentially be a self-assessment for Zoro; he can gauge where he really is in mental stability since he is most likely not going to engage in self-mutilation while Sanji is right here.

He waits patiently for Zoro to pull out of this.

This is really hard for Sanji to watch. He knows he can't do anything; he can't comfort him, he can't help him through it since he doesn't know what's going through his head, he can't talk to him. This is an internal battle Zoro has to fight on his own, and no matter how much Sanji wants to be there for him, there's nothing he can physically do that can make this any better.

Zoro is focused solely inward, his eye is shut tightly, and his lips are curled into a silent snarl but from time to time a growl slips past. His hands have slipped further into his hair as he tugs at it.

Sanji tries to figure out what may have triggered this. He knows it can happen out of the blue, but something usually sets him off. Was it because Sanji saw what he's been doing to himself? Maybe since Sanji saw, he thinks he's not going to be able to continue with that and he thinks he isn't going to be in control anymore. Sanji figures that's most likely what happened. He thinks he isn't going to have any power over this anymore and any control he had currently slipped away from him.

Shit, what if he can't pull himself back? What does Sanji do? He's brought him back before by leaving bruises on the man, and knocking him out is a sure way to break this mindset, but he doesn't want to do either of those. Hopefully he doesn't need to worry about that.

The blonde sits next to the other man for while. Eventually Zoro seems to relax. His breathing evens out, his facial muscles slack, and his shoulders drop. He takes a few more breaths and then lifts his head from his hands.

He did it.

Sanji silently waits to be sure that this is really Zoro and not whatever else lives in there with him. Slowly, Zoro turns to look at Sanji.

"Well that kind of killed the mood, huh?"

Sanji smiles, that's definitely him. "Just a bit." He reaches out a hand and grabs one of Zoro's. "Do you realize what you just did?"

Fear sets in on Zoro's features. "Did I hurt you?"

"No, no nothing like that." Zoro relaxes again. Sanji probably could have phrased that better. "I mean how you just did that all on your own."

Comprehension replaces the fear in his eyes. "I did, didn't I?" A small smile pulls at the corner of his mouth.

This is a pretty big moment for Zoro. He's even admitting that he did it himself. Maybe this can replace the incident he had at the club in his mind. Even though he did that himself as well, this is a moment that Zoro recognizes as something he did without help. He didn't chase it away with liquor; he didn't run a blade across his skin, he wasn't physically harmed by anyone else to snap him out of it.

Zoro squeezes Sanji's hand.

Sanji really wants to confront him about the self-harming issue, but that can wait until later tonight. Zoro needs this win and Sanji doesn't really want to bring him down by talking about that right now.

The marimo flops back on his bed, exhaustion playing on his features. That really must take a lot out of him. Sanji can feel him slightly tugging on his hand to join him, so he scoots a little closer and lies down facing the marimo who wraps his arm around him and pulls him close. He lets Zoro rest for a few minutes before speaking to him.

"Hey, Zoro, I have an idea."

"Hm?" He still seems to be pretty tired.

"I'm supposed to stop by the restaurant today. You know I have to show up from time to time. How about you come with?"

"Are you insane?"

"I believe that's you, marimo." He receives a knee to the crotch for that comment. It was probably well deserved. "But I'm serious. Come with. We can grab dinner. We won't be out long. You deserve something for what you did earlier."

"Are you forgetting why that was even an accomplishment? Sanji, I have an unhealthy desire to kill people. I'm not exactly someone you want around your source of income right now."

"Oh, come on. It's right down the street. I just have to pick something up and we can grab dinner. I'm sure there will be something already prepared that we can just take. Then we'll come back. I promise."

"This is more of a reward for you than for me, cook."

"You're rewarding yourself."

"How is this a reward for me if I don't want it?"

"Because you're getting yourself out of this godforsaken apartment. You know you need to. Your body will rejoice with the feeling of fresh air."

"I get plenty of that when I go to work."

"Come on."

"I'm just telling you right now this is probably going to turn into a situation like the last time you forced me out of here."

"I did not force you, you've said that yourself."

"You bribed me."

He did bribe him. That was a little underhanded of him. "Well, I'm not this time. But I want you to come with me. It's just a walk."

"And the last walk we went on was so great and relaxing."

"Ok, bad example. But we can go on a new walk and it will be great and relaxing." Zoro doesn't even give him a response. He is dead set on staying right where he is. "I know Robin has told you to get out more. It'll help you; you need the socialization. You need to get used to being around people."

"I'm around people."

"I don't count."

"I see Robin all the time."

"She's your therapist."

"And-"

"Don't even say work. Those are children and you are not socializing, you're swinging a stick around and having them follow you. I doubt you even pay attention to anything but your swords there anyways. You're way too into those." Sanji can practically hear Zoro pouting.

"Fine."

"Fine you agree with me, or fine you'll go?"

Zoro is silent for a few moments. "Both."

Sanji smiles to himself as he sits up, pulling the marimo with him. He throws a shirt at him as he had lost his shirt earlier in the living room. Sanji fixes his making sure all the buttons are still there. Then grabs Zoro and heads for the door.

"Oi, we're going right now?"

"Yeah, moss brain. I want to get there before the dinner rush so we don't take food from customers. And I have some stuff I have to do before we can eat."

"I thought this was a quick thing, cook."

"It is. I won't take more than ten minutes."

He practically drags Zoro down the street, but once he makes it to All Blue without incident, Zoro seems to relax a bit.

"Alright, marimo. Don't get into any trouble. I'll be right back." He leaves Zoro in the kitchen. He's been in there enough times to know how to stay out of the way. He usually hangs around the back counter and occasionally peeks through the kitchen door windows to see what's going on in the restaurant when he gets bored. He'll be fine for a few minutes.

Sanji heads to his small office wedged between the kitchen and the back entrance. He has some quick paperwork he needs to deal with and a few other things to bring back with him. Thankfully he has someone here competent enough to get all of this together for him when he isn't here. He sits at his desk and looks over what has been left for him. He should probably think about taking inventory tomorrow.

He engrosses himself in the finer details of restaurant owning, the least glamorous part. He tries to keep an eye on the clock to make sure he keeps his promise to Zoro that he won't take long.

He's just about finished; he's gathering the few things he wants to take back to Zoro's with him when he hears what sounds like a lot of kitchenware clattering on the floor.

Shit. What'd they do this time? He better not have to replace anything. It's coming out of their paychecks if he does.

He throws the paperwork back on his desk to grab after dealing with the other cooks and heads back to the kitchen. The kitchen is in disarray. Most of the food is still where it should be, though a few things smell like they're starting to burn. Utensils are strewn across the floor. Cooks and various other employees are yelling for Sanji, many of them off to one side of the kitchen.

Now that's odd.

That thought leaves his mind immediately when he sees one of his larger employees bracing Zoro against the fridge and he does not look happy.

"Whoa, whoa, what's going on?"

"Sanji! He needs to get out of here." One of his employees in the mass to the side of the kitchen points to Zoro.

"What happened?"

"I don't know, but he was trying to go into the dining room with a knife!"

He what?

Sanji is immediately next to Zoro and pushing the other cook off of the green haired man. He takes a precaution and holds him there himself, though. It's not easy. "What's going on Zoro?"

He has that look in his eye, but something about it is a little different. He can't quite place what it is. This already happened once today, why is it happening again? Sanji knows that it's not a once a day thing, but didn't Zoro just have it under control?

Zoro takes a deep breath and looks directly into the blondes' eye. "Sanji, I need to get out of here."

"Yeah, no shit. If I let go, are you going to be ok?"

He doesn't look too convinced, but he nods anyways. Sanji slowly eases the pressure he has against Zoro's body and once he feels free enough, the marimo twists out of his grip and heads for the back door.

"Zoro!" He chases after him, but the man is already out the door and practically sprinting down the street. Fuck, he better not get lost. He heads back inside to the kitchen.

He wants to go after Zoro, but he needs to defuse the situation here too. He looks to everyone gathered in the kitchen.

"Sanji-"

"Don't. Just don't say anything. Clean everything up, and get back to work. I have to go deal with this. I'm sorry about that. Is anyone hurt?"

They look to each other and then all their eyes settle on the cook that was holding Zoro down. He's holding onto his forearm that looks to be bleeding. Sanji approaches him. "Shit are you ok?"

"It's fine, it looks worse than it is."

"Are you sure? He's pretty skilled with a blade."

The other man nods and moves his hand off his arm to show Sanji. He's right it isn't too bad. It won't need stitches at least. He offers the rest of the day off for him so he can tend to his wound but he refuses. Sanji was about to fight him on it, but he really needs to get back to Zoro.

Which is exactly what he does. He doesn't stop for his paper work or for the food they initially went there for. He heads straight to Zoro's. He really hopes the marimo is there.

After following Zoro's lead and running back to the apartment, he finds the front door slightly ajar. Well, the moss head made it back at least. He slips inside and looks around.

Should he make himself known or would it be better if Zoro weren't aware of his presence? He doesn't want to sneak up on him though. He decides to stay near the door and call out to him. "Zoro?"

He doesn't receive an answer, so he calls out again a little louder. When he still receives no response, he heads deeper into the apartment, checking behind the kitchen counters, and then to his room. He glances to the bathroom door. It's closed. He advances toward the door and places his ear to the wood. He can hear that someone is in there by the indistinct sounds. He slowly places a hand on the door handle.

He really doesn't want to startle Zoro, especially if he's doing what he thinks he's doing. He cautiously opens the door and his breath catches in his throat.

Anything he wanted to say to Zoro had vanished from his mind to be overshadowed by all of the blood he sees on the man.

Zoro looks up as Sanji made a noise when he got his breath back and their eyes met. He can't even begin to describe the emotion that Zoro has on his face.


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N: Oh man, this chapter took me forever to write. I've been so busy I could only write it in small chunks at a time. And I'm about to get busier. I'm getting a new tattoo today, then spending my last day in the country with my family, then I fly out to China on Saturday, get there on Monday, then start training on Tuesday for a week then I start teaching. So I will be trying my hardest to keep this updated regularly, but understandably it will be hard. I'm not sure when the next update will be, but hopefully I'll be able to keep up at least once a week postings. I'm not going to abandon this though no matter how long it takes to get updated!**

 **Also a warning: Self harm in this chapter**

Zoro was not all that excited to go to All Blue with Sanji, but he could not deny those eyes. He was looking up at him with this look that was just so happy and excited that he could not deny him. He hadn't looked like that in so long, and he knew it was because of himself. So he decided to indulge him. He grudgingly agreed to make a quick trip to All Blue so Sanji could make some kind of big deal that Zoro was able to get himself under control. Not that he doesn't think that it wasn't a big deal, he had never done that before with something so intense; he just doesn't exactly think he's safe to be out and about. But Sanji was just so happy for him…

So out they went.

Zoro was on guard the entire walk over. He felt that he was in control enough, but once he leaves the comfort of his apartment, he just isn't sure what might happen. Being in a different environment throws off any of the confidence he has in himself. He never once lets go of Sanji's hand, just in case something were to happen. He notices a look of annoyance when he first grips the cook's hand too hard at the sight of a passerby. The annoyance was thinly veiled concern, but it was still visible. He tried his best to disguise his own concern for himself.

He made it without incident to the restaurant though. Sanji may have had to pull him down the sidewalk and insult him most of the way so Zoro would at least be moving in a forward motion after him with his own jabs at the cook. But he made it.

He breathes a sigh of relief when the establishment is within sight. He relaxes the hold he has on the cook and Sanji takes his hand back to massage the feeling back into his fingers most likely.

When they enter the establishment, Sanji leaves him to his own devices while the cook tends to whatever business things he came here for in the first place. Zoro hangs around the back counter where no one seems to ever be doing much. It's the safest place to be in the kitchen if he doesn't want to mess anything up. Though that quickly gets boring and he makes his way to the kitchen doors. He decided to peek out into the dining room to see what was going on and to see what kind of customers came in today. He's always interested to see what kind of people come to eat Sanji's food. Well it's not necessarily his food since Sanji is hardly ever here anymore, but they all think it is. He makes sure there aren't any waiters taking food out immediately before he stands in front of the doors. He's gotten in trouble for not paying attention to that before. His eye tracks around the dining room from one table to the next. There aren't too many people here right now, but enough to keep Zoro entertained briefly. He concludes that most of the people dining right now are here for some early special or will probably be retiring to their beds soon after getting home given their age. There's always an older crowd when it's early. He is about to turn away and head back to his corner of the kitchen when a man catches his eye. There should be nothing about him that would draw Zoro's attention; there is nothing extremely interesting about his clothing or his hair. He looks rather normal, but he has every last bit of Zoro's focus.

He looks just like Zoro, only older.

There is something too familiar about him and Zoro immediately realizes why. Memories from his childhood quickly flash through his mind, memories that had only recently surfaced. This is the same man that he had run away from all those years ago. How can that be? Zoro doesn't even have the chance to think about why he's there, or if he knows where Zoro is, or if should even be dead or in jail. Zoro had been so preoccupied by what he did to be concerned at all about what he's been doing.

His mind switches to the mentality of the frightened eight year old that had last seen him and his first instinct is to flee. His breath is caught in his throat as his body is repelled away from the man. There is a door between them and the entire restaurant, but he can still feel the need to hide. He backs up quickly and feels a sharp edge hit his back and a loud clattering. He backed right up into one of the servers on their way out with a meal or something for a customer, but whatever they were holding is all over the floor now.

The contact set off another reaction; now instead of fleeing his body wants to fight. It jarred him out of the memory of his childhood fears and reminded him that he doesn't need to run. He isn't helpless anymore. He can fight back. All the rage he buried earlier is bubbling to the surface now as he focuses on the man on the other side of the window. He flips around and spies a knife, one of those big sharp ones that someone had abandoned on a workstation on the opposite side of the kitchen. He grabs it and heads back to the kitchen entrance, only a few steps away from pushing open the door when someone steps in front of him. Zoro tries to move past the man, but he stands firmly in place. He moves to grab Zoro, but Zoro is quicker and uses the knife to persuade him out of his way. He manages to catch his forearm with the blade, but the man does not back down. Instead of moving, as Zoro would have assumed, he grabs Zoro by the shoulders and shoves him up against the closest flat surface. Zoro was caught off guard since he thought the other man would move after being cut, so he was apprehended rather easily, a fact that he is not happy about. Zoro put up quite a fight though once he was pinned. If the other man had been any smaller, he would probably be dead by Zoro's knife. Zoro abandons the knife in favor of trying to get the man off of him. He can't reach him with the blade any more so it's useless now. He continues to struggle against his confines. The man who ruined his entire life, the reason he is even in this state of mind right now, is right on the other side of those doors, and Zoro is unable to reach him.

Suddenly Zoro can hear Sanji's voice. It's the first sound he's really noticed outside of his own thoughts since this incident began. He can feel a shift of pressure on his back and he can smell nicotine and tobacco. Sanji is now the one holding him down. He cranes his neck as far as he can to look at his blonde. His very presence is able to knock a little bit of clear thinking into Zoro. If he hadn't been stopped, Zoro would probably be making a mess in Sanji's restaurant. That is not something he wants to happen. He focuses deeply on controlling himself even if it is only for a moment. That's all he needs if he is capable of getting himself out of the building. He needs to get home.

He can hear Sanji speaking to him, but he can't really make out the words.

"Sanji, I need to get out of here."

The blonde continues speaking to him. He catches the tail end of the sentence "…going to be ok?"

He nods, hoping he'll let go of him. He does, and once Zoro has enough leverage to get away, he twists out of the hold and heads straight for the back door. He has a passing thought of how much quicker he was able to find it than normal. Once he is out the door he runs home. He's never gotten home from All Blue that quickly before, but he is so thankful that he did.

He's practically shaking by the time he makes it inside. He doesn't even care to check if the door got closed. All he can think about is getting the situation under control. He can't do it any further on his own; he knows it. This is not typical. The only sure way to kill this is to kill his father, but the closest he can get without making a bloody scene at Sanji's restaurant is by making a bloody scene of his own body in the bathroom.

He knows Sanji will be right behind him, so he closes the bathroom door.

He can feel warmth running down his arm and pooling in the hollows of his wrist and in his palm only to drip off to the sink and staining the pristine countertop. He can feel the urgency to rip into flesh lessen as he slices into his own. He really hadn't meant to let so much blood flow, but he got a little carried away from the strength of the craving and the memories brought back from his encounter earlier.

Zoro can feel himself breathing easier as he pushes the thick liquid around with his fingers. Just seeing blood seems to stave off the killing intent, but actually feeling it beneath his fingers is even better. Somehow, being this enthralled by his own blood doesn't bother him nearly as much as if it were someone else's. He recalls poking bodies with his swords and adding unnecessary cuts just to watch them bleed more, but he always grew disgusted with himself before it went any further. But this is different. There's no disgust with himself; at least not until later. Right now he's found a calm in his otherwise unruly mental space. He's awarded a small frame of time where his inner demon is satiated enough to back down for a while and Zoro can just be. He's not fighting with himself; he's not constantly trying to keep the tethers that bind the unsavory thoughts from breaking. He can use this time to readjust his grip on his sanity and keep it where it belongs so that later he is able to make sense of the shocking information that he had just been exposed to without heading too far out of control again. He feels the blood under his fingertips become stickier as it begins to dry.

Zoro hears a gasp from someone else in the room, hadn't he closed the door? He looks up and makes eye contact with Sanji.

He looks back down to the mess he had made. Shit, that's a lot of blood. It had stopped flowing almost completely now, but a lot had already made its way outside of his body. He glances back over at the cook to get a better read of his reaction. He's just standing there staring at him with his eyes as wide as they can go. Well eye, Zoro can only see the one.

"Can you stop staring at me and just fucking say something?"

Sanji seems to pull himself together before finally speaking. "How are you still standing?"

"It'll take a lot more than this to knock me out." He's been shot and lost more than this, but he passed out because he was hit in the head. The only time he recalls passing out from blood loss was when he was nearly sliced in two, an event that neither of them talk about; Sanji because Zoro nearly died, and Zoro because he doesn't like thinking about how easily he was cut down. It looks like a lot, but he didn't go deep enough to do any long-term damage. He may be mentally unstable, but he's not suicidal.

Suddenly the cook is right next to him holding a towel to his arm. "Sanji, stop." He tries to pull his arm away but the cook has a firm hold on it.

"You need to put pressure on it to make it stop."

"It's already stopped. Just let me deal with it." He is really not comfortable with Sanji touching the wounds. The blonde thankfully lets go of his arm and he puts a little distance between them eyeing Sanji's still outstretched hand warily. They watch each other for a few moments longer until Zoro decides that Sanji is not going to leave the bathroom. He tries to pretend that the blonde is not practically hovering over his shoulder as he cleans himself and the bathroom of his blood. Thankfully Sanji remains silent as he does this.

Once the bathroom is spotless again, the two exit the room, Zoro to his bedroom to find something to wear that is not blood stained, and Sanji to the small hallway presumably to wait for Zoro so they can talk.

Which is the last thing Zoro wants to do right now.

So he takes his time grabbing clean clothing.

When he leaves his room, he ignores the obviously waiting Sanji and heads to the kitchen to grab a bottle of anything that the cook had not gotten rid of yet. He doesn't care what Sanji says right now, he doesn't care how far he's taken the whole drinking to alcoholism thing; he just needs this.

He expects Sanji to give him shit for the drinking and for the bottle to be taken out of his hand, but surprisingly all he gets is a hand on the back. He doesn't even say anything. They just stand together in silence, the only sound being the swish of liquid as Zoro drinks from the bottle.

After finishing off the liquor, Zoro turns to Sanji. If he's going to have to talk about it, he may as well just get it over with. And now that he's got some alcohol in him he's a little better prepared.

Sanji is the first to break the silence. "What happened?"

Zoro isn't sure he can really talk about what happened. He hasn't processed it yet. "He was there." Guess he's going to be doing both at once.

Sanji looks back to him with a confused expression. "Who?"

"I hadn't even considered seeing him again. That never crossed my mind. But he was right there."

"Zoro, who are you talking about?"

"I could have done something. If you hadn't been there, I would have done something." He would have done something absolutely horrible in Sanji's restaurant.

Sanji's face starts to take on a more questioning expression, like he has an idea of what Zoro means but is unsure if his guess is correct. He asks Zoro one last time, "Who was there?"

Zoro focuses on the cook after briefly looking beyond him in retrospect. "My dad."

Sanji's eyes widen almost comically. "You're fucking kidding me."

Zoro shakes his head slightly. "No, he was there."

"I served your fucking father?"

"Yeah. And then I almost killed him."

"This has to be some kind of bad joke. There is no way he was in my restaurant. He has to be locked away somewhere, or better yet dead. He can't possibly-"

"I know what I saw. And that was him. I couldn't forget his face, he looks exactly like me." Sanji looks at him with his mouth agape. "I don't know why he was there, but that was him."

"What if he's looking for you?"

"Why would he be looking for me? He hated me. What would he want with me?"

"Because you know what happened. You were there. What if he lied his way out of it, got away, I don't know, incompetent cops happen."

"How would he even have found me? I disappeared twenty years ago."

"Maybe he just happened to see you. It's a huge city; a lot of people live here. He could have moved here too."

"What, he just saw me and-" The park. There was something weird about Zoro's sudden and unexplained loss of control. He recalls something triggering him, but was never able to figure out what it was. But what if he was there? What if Zoro had seen him and it triggered his memory while pushing him over the edge in turn? And it's not like Zoro is the most unnoticeable of people, he has naturally occurring green hair. A father would remember his son having green hair no matter how long ago he had seen him…

"What is it, marimo?"

"It must have been the park. He has to have been there."

"Is that what happened that day? You saw him?"

"I guess. And I just didn't know who he was yet."

"And you think he saw you?"

"How could he miss me?" Zoro runs a hand over his face. "Oh, fuck he knows I'm here. He knows who you are. He went to your god damn restaurant."

"Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe he just noticed you and wanted to see how you were doing."

"You don't understand how badly this man wanted me out of his life. If it wasn't for my mother, I doubt I would even be here right now."

"Why did he hate you so much? I don't get that."

"He was just a fucking drunk who didn't know how to be a father. He was at least better with my sister, until… but he thought I was a freak." He tugs absentmindedly at his hair while comparing his own problems with alcohol to his father's.

"I'm a little upset you didn't get to go after him."

"Me too. I'm sure you'd be a little more upset if I had done that in your restaurant though."

Sanji makes a face as he thinks about what that could have meant for his restaurant. "Yeah, actually thank you for not doing that. No matter how much I would be ok with you killing that bastard, I would prefer it not to be in my restaurant."

Zoro smirks at that comment. "I figured."

"That's why you came back here?" Sanji eyes Zoro's arm. He slowly reaches out for it and grabs his hand so he can look over the cuts that mar his flesh. Zoro quickly pulls his hand back and twists his arm to hide the cuts from view. "I really wish there was another way for you to deal with this."

"The only alternative I can think of is doing this to someone else, but that's not very helpful since I'm trying to refrain from that."

"I don't like that you do this."

"Yeah, well it has to happen unless you want to find yourself on the wrong end of one of my swords."

"You don't scare me, Zoro." He gives Sanji a flat look. "Ok, you're a little unsettling. But I'm not afraid for myself."

"Sanji, honestly right now you probably should be."

"How many times have I told you I'm not afraid that you're going to hurt me? I don't believe that you will."

"I don't know that, especially not now that he's here. I don't know what I might do. This isn't just some urge for me to settle some disgusting desire inside of me. This is something else. This is twenty-seven years of pent up hatred. I don't know what could happen."

"Are you proposing that I stop hanging around here?"

Zoro fumbles with his words, wanting to say that is what he is implying, but he doesn't want Sanji to be gone.

"Are you serious? Are you trying to like break up or something because of this?"

"No! I'm just… I'm just being cautious."

"Zoro, I can fight you off if you do anything stupid. And besides, I'm the only thing that keeps you sane anymore besides your goddamn liquor. I'm not going anywhere. I don't care how hard you fight me on this."

He's right; he is the only thing that keeps him sane. And Sanji is capable of protecting himself; he's had to do it in the past against himself and others, which is why Zoro hasn't ever really pushed him away too hard. He agrees that it's probably for the better that Sanji stays, if only for Zoro's sanity's sake.

"So what are you going to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"About him being here."

"I don't know. I guess I have to let it sink in a little more before I figure anything out." This was not anything he was ever expecting. "And I should probably get myself under better control in case I see him anywhere again."

"You already seem a lot calmer."

"That has a lot to do with what happened earlier." He catches Sanji's eyes darting down to his arm.

"Zoro…" He glances up to the cook. "Are you ok after seeing him?"

"I'm fine."

"I'm serious, marimo. He caused a very traumatic part of your past. It's ok if you're not."

"Stop worrying about me."

"I'm going to be. That was a big fucking deal. I know you feel things; you show it all the time. You have the emotional capacity to. But when it's anything like this you shut it down. I know that's what happened when you were little, you shut all of this out, but you have the means to process these feelings now. You know how to feel. You're allowed to feel this."

Zoro shakes his head. He doesn't want to feel it. "I'm done talking about this."

"You can't keep pushing this away. You're going to have to deal with it sooner or later."

"If I deal with it right now, I'm going to lose it. Do you want that happening?" Sanji lets out a small 'no'. "Ok, then drop it. Let me process this in my own time."

"You're going to get yourself lost in your own head if you do that…"

"What was that?"

"You heard me."

"No, say that again."

"You're a directionless idiot who is probably capable of getting lost in his own head."

"And you're the goddamn shittiest cook I've ever met."

"Oh, don't you dare insult my cooking, moss head."

"Or what, you're going to make me eat it?"

"When did you get back to hating my cooking you piece of shit?"

"I've always hated you're cooking."

Sanji's face is practically a tomato by now. Zoro runs out to the living room so there is more room to fight since he knows where this is going. Contrary to most relationships, fighting always helps theirs.


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N: Oh man, hey guys, it's been a while. China has been ridiculously busy, and in all honesty I do not even have time to be putting this here right now, but oh well. This took me FOREVER because I could only write it in bits and pieces. Hopefully everything will calm down soon and I'll have more again. But excuse this chapter if it is not up to par with the rest because I did not write this like I normally would. Anyways, I wanted to get something out, so here it is. Enjoy!**

After the mishap at All Blue, Zoro had been diligently trying to keep himself in control. He knew that if he ever saw his father anywhere again, a similar situation would ensue. Sanji had noticed the change almost instantly.

He began going earlier to work and staying later to practice his swordsmanship and began working out almost religiously. He increased in muscle mass quickly. He was already a large man, but he grew in size at a rapid pace with the amount of time that he spent at the gym. He began mediation again to improve his focus. His demeanor mellowed out tremendously once he picked it up again.

Sanji could still see the tension he held on a daily basis from the stress he was under, but he seemed a lot more in control of himself. Zoro spent a lot less time trying to regain control over his thoughts and was clearly a lot less troubled once he began his new routine. He made sure not to mention it to him though. Sanji knew that if he drew attention to the other man's newfound control that he could easily lose it. He has seemed to finally find something that has worked for him. He's found something else to focus on other than his troubles.

And presumably his choice of focus translates to what his lack of control had been caused from. His need to build himself up is to keep himself prepared to deal with his father if he ever runs into him again. This time he will not be the defenseless child who had last dealt with him.

Sanji has noticed a lack of long disappearances to the bathroom. Which is a good thing. He doesn't seem to be hurting himself. At least not that Sanji is aware of. He does his best to discreetly look over Zoro when he gets the chance and doesn't notice any fresh marks.

He has also been more responsive to sexual come-ons from Sanji. He had been so reluctant previously that Sanji had been worried that he may have become averse to the act almost entirely. But now that Sanji is aware of the self-harm, he doesn't seem to be hiding himself from him anymore.

He has still not stopped the drinking though. Sanji still whishes he would, but it does seem to help him when he gets overwhelmed. More often than not, Zoro can be found with a bottle of his favorite liquor in hand when he's unable to sleep.

He is also prone to nightmares. He has had them before, but Sanji can tell they are different now. He can remember Zoro waking him up and looking relieved from time to time, almost as if he was unsure if Sanji was going to wake up. Other times he would just find him passed out in either the living room or kitchen with a bottle in hand or nearby.

Now the dreams seem to have shifted to something else. Something just as traumatic but different. Something more like memories.

Sanji has become attuned to when they're coming on. Zoro usually falls asleep before him, so he has learned the signs. Even when he's asleep he almost always is able to wake up when it happens.

Sanji had been reading when this one struck. He was using Zoro's head as a rest for his book as it was lying on his chest. He was heavily engrossed in the story when he felt Zoro's fingers tighten their grip on him. He waits a few moments to see if the dream is what he thinks it is.

When Zoro's breathing speeds up and his arms tighten around him he knows it is. Sanji marks his place in the book and sets it to the side before gently wrapping his arms around the other man. He hates when this happens, but he obviously understands why it does.

Zoro's arms tighten further around him and Sanji can feel the strength that Zoro has been building up. The longer he allows the dream to progress, the tighter his grip is going to become. Zoro is still unaware of just how much muscle he's gained, and when he's asleep he doesn't even realize he's holding onto Sanji. If Sanji doesn't wake him up, Zoro could easily bruise his ribs.

"Zoro." Sanji tries to gently shake him awake. Nothing changes though. "Hey, Marimo, wake up." Still no response, and his hold constricts Sanji further.

"Zoro!"

Sanji's more forceful call seems to have jarred Zoro awake. He jerks up slightly with his eye wide. He still seems a little disoriented and unsure of his surroundings.

"Hey, you're ok. I'm right here. It's ok." Zoro's breathing hasn't calmed any and he quickly closes his eye again. "Zoro, look at me. Hey. Look at me." Sanji forces Zoro's head up and he manages to look into Sanji's eye. "You're ok. You're safe." He looks to Sanji with an almost disbelieving expression. "Zoro, how old are you?"

Zoro looks away as if he's thinking about the question. When he doesn't respond, Sanji realizes he's still in the mindset of his dream.

"You're twenty seven."

He looks back to Sanji with mild confusion playing over his features, then around at his room. He seems to come back to reality once he wakes up all the way; his breathing is starting to level out to a normal pace. It doesn't always take him this long to wake up, but this isn't the first time Sanji has watched this happen.

"Are you alright?"

Zoro doesn't say anything. Instead he pushes himself away from Sanji and off the bed to presumably find a drink in the kitchen.

Sanji has such a hard time watching Zoro drink. He's done and said everything he can to get him to stop or at least let up on it a little, but it's all fallen on deaf ears. He decides not to follow him out of the bedroom; he would probably appreciate some time alone anyways.

Sanji listens to the sounds of Zoro's movement in the main living area until he drifts off to sleep.

He's awoken to the feeling of the bed dipping and an arm draped around his midsection. He opens his eyes to see that Zoro has come back to bed. He glances at the clock Zoro keeps next to the bed and notices it has been a few hours since he had gotten up.

"Hey." Sanji's voice sounds a little groggy.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up. Go back to sleep."

"It's ok. How are you feeling?" Sanji can feel Zoro shrug next to him. He sighs and lifts Zoro's head to leave a kiss on his lips. But Zoro did not taste as he had expected him to, so he leans in again for a deeper kiss. He quickly breaks it off and realizes Zoro does not taste like alcohol.

Didn't he just get up to drink?

He looks into Zoro's eye, which is showing signs of confusion. "You don't taste like alcohol."

More confusion spreads across Zoro's face. "Am I supposed to?"

"Yeah. Didn't you spend the last few hours drinking?"

Zoro softly shakes his head. "No, actually."

"You haven't been hurting yourself, have you?" Sanji reaches to the place on Zoro's hip that he knows hides those marks. Zoro shifts uncomfortably under Sanji's touch.

"No, I haven't."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure."

"So what have you-?"

"Just thinking."

He's been thinking for hours? Sure, Sanji knows he can do that, but usually if he is going to he'll be accompanied by a few bottles of liquor to make sure he doesn't keep thinking. But he didn't drink at all. Sanji isn't sure if he should be concerned or not.

"About what?"

Zoro pauses briefly. "Just everything. I haven't really given myself a chance to just think on it all. These dreams I've been having are just… " He can hear Zoro sigh. "I just want to want to go back to sleep."

There's a long pause between the two of them and Sanji is unsure if Zoro had fallen back to sleep. He decides to speak to him again anyways. "Were you thinking about him?"

He can hear a questioning grunt come from Zoro's direction.

"Your dad."

The silence that follows makes Sanji believe Zoro really did fall asleep, but the tension he can feel coming off of the other man has him rethink the moss head's state. The silence also gives Sanji an affirmative answer to his question. The lack of an answer tells him all he needs to know. He pulls Zoro close and holds him tight. He knows now he probably should be concerned with all of the thinking Zoro had been doing, and from what he can tell completely sober thinking. Sanji can't remember the last time Zoro had been completely sober. Something is going on with him. He does have one last thing to ask before he lets the moss head sleep again.

"So what made you decide not to drink tonight?" Sanji is extremely interested in this answer. He has been trying to get him to ease up on the alcohol intake for a long time and nothing has worked short of throwing everything he could find out, and even then Zoro still managed to be drunk.

"Just didn't feel like it."

Even though Zoro can't see it, Sanji gives him the flattest and most unconvinced look he has ever produced. "Zoro, you're an alcoholic, you don't just not feel like drinking. It's all you do." Sanji probably could have said that in a different way, but he's said it now and if Zoro hadn't realized Sanji wasn't thrilled about his constant drinking then he probably has an idea now.

He can feel Zoro wince slightly at his words. Yeah he definitely could have said that better. "That's why."

"What's why?"

Zoro takes a deep breath and speaks quietly so that Sanji can't really hear him.

"What?"

"Because you don't like it." He sounds almost embarrassed to admit that that is the reason he wasn't drinking tonight, because Sanji doesn't like it. Had he really taken this long to get the point across that he doesn't like the drinking? He thought he had been pretty clear about it. Whatever, Zoro wasn't drinking because of it.

"You're right I don't." He thinks briefly what this might mean, if it was just for the night or if he is going to actually try to quit. "So does this mean you're going to try to quit drinking?"

Sanji can feel Zoro's breath from the sigh he just let out ghost across his skin. "I don't know."

That's probably the best answer he's going to get out of him for now. It's better than an outright no.

"If you are going to quit, do it for yourself. Don't do it for me."

"Why would I quit for myself? I'm the reason I have a problem in the first place."

"Because you hate that part of yourself, I know you do."

"I hate every part of myself."

"Zoro, don't say that."

"Why not? It's true. I'm a disgusting person."

"You're not disgusting."

"I am. You don't understand the kind of thoughts that I have, Sanji. That I have had for years. And how alike I am to him."

It seems Sanji needs to try a new tactic to get Zoro to see a reason that he should be doing something for himself. He takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out as he determines his next course of action. Sanji knows all too well just telling him he isn't what he thinks he is will get them nowhere.

Zoro is already bettering himself, but he seems to be unaware of it. All of the time he spends in the gym and meditating has helped him more than he knows. Sanji doesn't know where he would be if he quit the drinking as well. He could be a whole new person. Not that Sanji wants him to change completely, but he wants him to be happy. Has Zoro ever been happy? He likes to think he has, he seemed genuinely happy when their relationship had first started out. That was long before any of Zoro's troubles came to light for Sanji, though.

"If you don't want to be like him then stop drinking so much." Sanji did not want to turn this into an argument, but he may have done just that. "If you just didn't drink so goddamn much you might not have as many problems as you do." He did not mean to say that.

"It has nothing to do with what the fuck is wrong with me. If anything it's only helped. If you knew how many times I've dreamt about killing y– about hurting people, or have actually done it you would understand why I fucking need to drink. Fuck, I might have even killed three people since it got this bad."

"What do you mean you might have killed three people?" What has Zoro been doing? Has he not been at work when he was supposed to be? Sanji is beginning to get really worried that he is slipping backwards.

"You were there for the one." All right, so there is one death accounted for that was a while ago, but who are these others? Sanji does not remember anyone else being near death around Zoro. "And then right after, when I was gone…" That would explain why he doesn't remember that happening. "I don't know what happened to him. I couldn't tell if he was still alive when I left."

Sanji isn't really sure what to reply to any of this other than: "And who was the third?"

Zoro sighs deeply. "A guy at one of those fights I used to go to. I don't know what happened to him. But it looked pretty bad."

They're both quiet for a while. After a few moments, Sanji can feel Zoro tighten his grip on him with a slight tremor and the quiet determination to keep his breathing under control. Shit, he shouldn't have pushed him so far to talk about this. He stays motionless until he can hear Zoro's breathing become more erratic; he can tell he needs a little push in the right direction. Sanji wraps his arms around him and pulls him close. Zoro buries his face into the crook of his neck. Sanji can feel the curses drop out of his mouth against his skin. They stay there for a few moments, but Sanji can tell nothing has changed. He pulls Zoro's face up to his own to tell him he's ok. He leaves light kisses on his skin to soothe him. After the first few, Zoro's mouth latches to his own and Sanji can feel the strength of what Zoro is feeling through the kiss.

Zoro gets rougher with his movements and ends up pinning Sanji down. Sanji is not sure how this might play out; they have never done anything like this when Zoro is in this state of mind. Zoro's hands are abrasive and his mouth unrelenting. He pulls at Sanji's hair and bites at his flesh. He pauses momentarily to lift himself off of the blonde and bodily flips him over. He presses his body down against his back, effectively trapping Sanji beneath him. Sanji can feel the warmth of Zoro's mouth against his neck, nipping and licking and biting, leaving marks over his pale skin. He can also feel the arousal in Zoro's sweatpants.

Suddenly Sanji feels the cool air flowing over where his pants should be, Zoro seems to have pulled them off. He feels the coolness over the rest of his body briefly as Zoro moves off to presumably grab something to make this experience a bit more comfortable for Sanji. When he feels a slick finger teasing him, he notices Zoro's lips by his ear. He pauses his movements and seems to grunt out a questioning noise, he must be a bit too gone for words still. Sanji gives him the go ahead and Zoro pushes his first digit inside to ready Sanji. He doesn't waste much time on the preparation and soon enough, Zoro is lining himself up. He presses in and Sanji feels his arms come around him, lifting him slightly off the bed, his nails digging into his skin surely to leave streaks behind. He doesn't start slow like he usually would; he thrusts deep and hard on every movement of his hips. His teeth etch out rings into Sanji's shoulder as his efforts become rough. With every touch Sanji can feel the rage of whatever Zoro has inside of him, he can feel it bursting with the need to get out. Sanji figures he might as well fight it back down; there's no need to let Zoro run this whole encounter by himself. He finds a secure hold for his hands on the bed and raises his hips up to thrust back against Zoro. He receives a surprised grunt in response and faster movements from Zoro's hips. The more Sanji reacts, the more of a response he gets from Zoro. He grabs the blonde around the waist and pulls him upwards with him so they are both on their knees. Zoro holds him close while attaching his teeth to Sanji's neck and a hand wanders further down to pleasure Sanji in another way. His hand moves fast, but still in time to his thrusts.

Sanji doesn't think he is going to last much longer. He grabs onto Zoro's wrist tight to let him know, but he doesn't let up. Sanji knows he isn't lasting any longer. He feels one last stroke from Zoro from inside and out, and he releases. Zoro strokes him until Sanji pushes his hand away, then he pushes Sanji back down to the bed. He grips his hips tight and fills Sanji deep. He can feel every inch of Zoro inside of him. He finishes off fast and hard until Sanji feels him empty into him. His grip increases and then releases as he collapses on top of him.

They both are silent for a while; Sanji because he isn't even sure if Zoro is Zoro again, and Zoro because he still has to catch his breath. When his breathing becomes nearly normal again, Sanji can feel soft kisses from Zoro.

"Shit, are you ok?"

"Am I ok? I'm… fuck, marimo I'm great. I mean I don't think I could do that every time, but… I think we just found a new way to calm you down."

Zoro snorts out a laugh. "I don't know about that." Zoro moves his lips gently over the shoulder he had attacked. "Does this hurt?"

"It's fine." It doesn't hurt now, but he knows later on it could. He was biting onto him pretty damn hard. Sanji can feel the dead weight that means Zoro is falling asleep settle onto him. "Hey, moss head, don't fall asleep on top of me. Roll over." He feels Zoro reluctantly roll off of him only to wrap his arm around him and pull him close. Sanji rolls his eyes. The idiot can't sleep unless he's cuddling something. As terrifying as he is, he is such a big softie.

As he falls back asleep extremely exhausted, Sanji thinks about the work he has ahead for himself. He needs to make Zoro see that he is not as terrible as a person as he thinks. He may have deep-seated issues that may never truly go away, but he is not a terrible person. He is set on making that happen. He needs to see himself as the person that Sanji fell in love with. He needs to find that man inside him again and bring him back out. Sanji really misses him. And hopefully once that happens, Zoro can get himself on the right track.


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N: Two chapters so close together, I'm proud of myself. Also, sorry in advance for the end of the chapter :) Enjoy!**

Nami is getting fed up of never seeing Zoro. Why won't he just see his friends? They have all almost given up on talking to him. A few have even said to just let him be, that maybe he'll come around eventually, but Nami knows that's not the case. He seems like if he isn't pushed he'll never see anyone.

She hasn't had a lot of time lately to force him into seeing her, she hasn't been able to make it to his apartment, but today she made time. She needs to see him. She needs to talk to him. This has gone on long enough. She is not going to let him sit around and drink himself into oblivion while avoiding everyone he knows. Yeah, Sanji is there all the time, but he needs more than just Sanji. He's not being healthy being cooped up in there all day every day.

She grabs her things and sets out to Zoro's. She doesn't care what he's doing right now. She is going to talk some sense into him.

As she walks over she thinks of all the things she wants to say to him. How he needs to see other people. How he needs to get out of his goddamned apartment. How he needs to stop drinking so much because she knows it's gotten worse. She isn't sure what exactly else has been going on with him, but she knows that if he were to just go out and do something every now and then it might be a little more tolerable.

She resolves to try to convince him to go out with her. Maybe not out out since she does want him to stop drinking, but out as in go somewhere. Anywhere. He just needs to get out of that god-forsaken apartment.

Her temper gets heated as she stomps up the stairs. She hadn't let it get to her too much, but she is a little angry at Zoro for being so distant without even attempting to give them any kind of excuse. He's completely stopped even trying to get out of seeing anyone, now he just doesn't.

Nami decides she could use a few moments to calm down and knocks on the door. Normally she wouldn't even bother, but she could use the time. She can hear footsteps on the other side of the door and a lock being turned.

She looks at her phone for the time quickly. It's probably Sanji, still too early for Zoro to be awake. As the door opens she sees messy blonde hair and pale skin. Yep, Sanji, and it looks like he just rolled out of bed.

That pale skin is covered in angry red marks and bruises though. Jesus, what happened to him?

"Holy shit, Sanji, what the fuck happened to you?"

"Oh, it's wonderful to see you Nami, dear. But uh, what do you mean what happened to me?"

"Your skin, it's all…" She motions to the side that has the marks. Sanji looks down and his eyes widen. He covers what he can on his neck and chest with his hands and goes a dark shade of red. Nami immediately realizes what those are. "Did Zoro do that to you?" She can feel her face begin to heat up with the image she conjured from that question.

Sanji tries to avoid the topic and motions for her to come in. He sees a forgotten t-shirt lying in the living room and he pulls it on. It's probably one of Zoro's since it's a little big on him. As he turns to grab it, she can see more marks on his shoulder blades that are starting to bruise that look like teeth marks and some fingerprints near his hips. Her eyebrows raise at what that suggests.

"I assume you're here for Zoro?"

"Well, I wouldn't mind seeing you either, Sanji." She gives him a warm smile. She wouldn't want him to think that she only ever comes to see Zoro. "But yes, I am here for the idiot."

"The idiot is currently still asleep, but you're welcome to wake him up. He had a rough night last night, so he'll probably be a little cranky from being tired. Just a warning."

"I can see that." She winks at Sanji and he flushes red again. She had no idea Zoro was so… aggressive in bed. "It's nothing I can't handle, though."

"I'm going to make breakfast if you would like some."

"I would love some, Sanji, thank you." She is not about to turn down Sanji's food. She hasn't had it for a while and it is always a treat.

"Any requests?"

"Anything you make is always delicious." She smiles to him as he makes his way to the kitchen. She takes this cue to head to Zoro's room.

She finds him sprawled on the bed. He had clearly been partially on top of Sanji by the look of it. He's taken most of the bed and his arm is stretched out over the rest. She moves closer and throws the covers over him more; she can do without the bare ass. Nami perches next to him on the empty side of the bed and smacks his head, which only gets her a grunt. She places a hand on his shoulder and tries to shake him awake. She can feel how much more muscular he's become. He really has gotten a lot bigger. His arms and back are more defined than they were previously. She realizes she really hasn't seen him for a while. She shakes him more forcefully and his arm reaches out to grab her. She smacks it away, but he manages to pull her close. She doesn't really stand a chance against him.

"Zoro, stop it, just wake up!"

He mumbles out a 'be quiet' and snuggles up her side.

"Damn it Zoro, I'm not Sanji. Wake up."

He groggily opens his remaining eye and peers up at her. "What the fuck are you doing here?" He does not let go of her though to her dismay.

"Good morning to you, too." He closes his eye again with a groan.

"I don't want to talk. Just let me sleep."

"I don't care, we're talking. And let go of me."

"Stop talking will your shrill ass voice, harpy."

Nami rolls her eyes at him. "Well if you're not going to let me up, at least scoot over."

"Fine."

"And don't fall back asleep."

"Like you can stop me."

She knees him in the groin and receives a pained grunt.

"Shit, ok, I'm up. What do you want?"

"I just want to talk to you."

"Then talk."

"Zoro…" He really is being difficult this morning. Sanji had warned her.

"What? You're the one who wants to talk."

"Yes, and I want you to respond." She waits for a snarky remark, but to her surprise he says nothing. "You need to see everyone, Zoro." She can feel a sigh escape him. "Everyone misses you, and I know you miss them. You can't stay in here all the time."

"I don't."

"Then why don't you come over sometime?"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"What could possibly be stopping you from seeing your friends?" She knows there are many things that could be, including whatever depression Zoro seems to be in, but she wants him to actually think about it, to actually say something about it. He won't ever talk about it. And she doesn't even know what is going on with him. They used to be so close; he used to talk to her about things. But now he's just so withdrawn.

"I don't want to talk about it."

She turns her head to look at him. His brows are furrowed deeply and his mouth a hard line. He's staring past her with determination in his eye. His grip on her is becoming a little too tight.

"Zoro let go." He takes a few moments, but he seems to hear her and finally releases her. He rolls to his back and scrubs a hand over his face while cursing under his breath. "What just happened?" She looks at him for a bit longer waiting for a reply. He seems to be mentally pulling himself together. His hand stops rubbing at his face and scrubs through his hair.

"Nothing."

"Zoro-"

"I can't talk about it, ok?"

"Why not?"

"I just physically can not talk about it. Nothing good will come of it. You don't want me to talk about it." Nami is more than a little confused. She still has no idea what is going on with him. He sounds like he's got more than a few screws loose right now. He sighs, probably because of the look on her face. "Look, if you really need to know, talk to Sanji. I can't do it."

"But-"

"Can you just get Sanji right now, actually?"

"Are you ok?"

"No." She can see the masked discomfort that he is trying really hard to hide. He closes his eye tight and runs his fingers through his hair.

She gets herself off the bed and into the kitchen to retrieve the blonde. "Sanji, Zoro is asking for you."

"Is everything ok?"

"He said he wasn't."

"Shit." Sanji quickly moves out of the kitchen and into Zoro's room. Nami follows him, she's curious to see what's happening. She stands on the outside of the room in the doorway watching. "Zoro? Hey, everything ok?"

Zoro looks up to Sanji; he looks increasingly more distressed. He is nearly hyperventilating. Sanji looks back at him with concern written all over his face. He quickly brings him into an embrace and Nami can hear Zoro cursing under his breath. "What's happening, Zoro?"

"I don't know. It feels different. This isn't- shit, get off of me." He shoves Sanji away.

"You need to calm down, just breath."

"I know I need to fucking calm down, it's not that easy."

"I think you're having a panic attack."

"Yeah? Well it feels like it, I'm fucking panicking and I can't breathe."

Nami knows this shouldn't be funny, but watching these two argue back and forth about the best way to get Zoro to calm down is like watching a dog chase it's own tail. They're just going in circles and nothing is being accomplished. Eventually though, Zoro is able to relax and his breathing becomes normal again. He still looks a bit distraught but it is a lot better than what he previously looked like.

Once Zoro looks more or less ok, Sanji brings up the topic of breakfast. "Well, food is ready moss head, if you're hungry."

"I'm not. I just want to sleep more."

Sanji sighs, he is very clear about disliking when anyone misses a meal. "Fine, I'll just put your portion in the fridge."

"Thanks." Zoro turns to go back to sleep.

"You better eat it though."

"I will."

"You sure about that? You've left countless amounts of food I have left for you in the fridge."

"Maybe I just didn't feel like eating your shitty food." Sanji smacks him on the head. "Hey, don't hit me."

"I'll hit you all I want, idiot. You need to eat. All of that ridiculous muscle you've been building is going to need more than you normally eat."

Zoro just grunts a reply clearly wanting Sanji to stop bothering him. Sanji responds with a pretty harsh looking kick to Zoro's back. "Fuck! What was that for?"

"For being a shit head. Go back to sleep, I'm sick of you being so grumpy. I'm going to have breakfast with the lovely Nami."

"Fine."

It's hard to believe that these two have actually been in a loving relationship for well over a year. She has definitely seen the side of them that shows the obvious relationship and that they are totally in love with each other, but most of the time they act like this and she doesn't understand how it works. But as long as they can stand each other then who is she to criticize their relationship. She doesn't think she'd be able to stand being with either of them for nearly as long as they have been with each other.

She heads back out to the living room with Sanji who puts together three plates, one he places in the fridge as he had told Zoro he would do. The other two make it to the small table in Zoro's apartment.

As she begins to eat, she thinks about what Zoro had said earlier. About how he couldn't talk about what was wrong, so she should ask Sanji if she really wanted to know. She has asked Sanji in the past when she knew Zoro wouldn't say anything and he was tight lipped about the subject. She isn't sure she'll get much information from him. But maybe now that Zoro has explicitly told her to ask him….

"Hey, Sanji can I ask you something?"

"Of course, you can ask me anything."

"Earlier, before he had that panic attack, Zoro mentioned that he's not capable of talking about what's going on with him. He said to ask you about it. So, can you tell me what's going on?"

Sanji places his utensils down and looks hard at Nami. "He told you to ask me?"

She nods.

"Alright. Let's finish eating first."

They finish the meal in silence. Nami enjoys every bite of what she had been served, but it doesn't taste quite as good with the looming topic of Zoro. She looks at Sanji while he eats and he looks uncomfortable. He doesn't really want to talk about it either.

The cook takes their plates to the sink and wastes time by washing them and putting them away, avoiding continuing to conversation they had started.

He motions for her to sit on the couch with him. He looks away from her in thought once they are seated though. He had grabbed his pack of cigarettes and begins smoking. She didn't realize he even smoked in here, it doesn't smell like it. After he finishes his first and pulls out another she decides to question him.

"Sanji?"

"Give me a moment. I'm trying to think of a good place to start." She waits patiently for him to gather his thoughts while he puffs on the cigarette. He takes a deep breath and turns to her. "I'm sure you're aware that Zoro has had a rough life." She nods, she doesn't know details, but she does know he has not had an easy life to live. "And I'm sure you remember the organization?" She nods again. She isn't too surprised if this has something to do with that. Sanji takes another deep breath and lets it out slowly. "I guess I'll just tell you chronologically how I heard everything."

He delves into a horrific description of Zoro's enjoyment of the kill, how it gives him some kind of sick high afterwards. He explains how Zoro has been in turmoil because he finds himself disgusting over it, but can't get himself to dislike the euphoric feeling he receives. He then explains the problems he faced once he no longer had the organization as an excuse for the carnage he craved, and how it had evolved from just wanting to achieve that high that he had become more or less addicted to and into something more sinister; how he began to crave the act of killing. How he began to take a turn for the worst at this stage. How he has episodes of loss of control.

He pauses and looks to her for a reaction. She's not sure what to think. What is Zoro, some kind of homicidal maniac? She used to be so close to him, and she had no idea. He was always a little odd, but never had she thought he was so… she doesn't even have a word for it. She looks towards Zoro's bedroom with trepidation. She was just in the arms of a man who craves murder. She has so many mixed emotions. She loves Zoro, he's her best friend, but is this the real Zoro?

After taking in her reaction, Sanji tells her that her exact response is why he has been avoiding everyone. He doesn't want anyone to feel like that about him. He doesn't want to scare anyone, or hurt anyone. Despite his most gruesome thoughts and urges, he does not want to hurt anyone.

He explains how Zoro developed a drinking problem, a real drinking problem, because of all of this. He uses the alcohol to dull his thoughts and senses. He doesn't want to feel any of this. It's nothing like it used to be where he would binge from time to time; this is a full on everyday issue. He recounts his struggles to control himself and how it's become more and more difficult. Sanji tells her of the weekly meetings he's had with Robin, how they try to keep him under control and how they had been trying to figure out what had made him this way.

He tells her of the picture Robin had found of his family. Of how all of a sudden, a few days later he remembered them. He had never known who they were; he had never thought he had a family. And he remembered why he doesn't have one anymore.

He pauses again, this time it seems to be more for himself than for Nami. She's not looking forward to hearing what happened to his family.

After a few silent beats to prepare, he tells her what Zoro had told him. Zoro had never gone into great detail, but the little he had shared was enough. The abuse his alcoholic father put him through, the terrifying night that his father ruined their family. How Zoro had run for his life. How Zoro has been traumatized from the event, obviously, and is now suffering from posttraumatic stress especially since it all feels so fresh to him, and, since his memory returned, how much more of a control issue he has had.

She had no idea this was anything like this. Her heart is breaking for him. No wonder he is the way he is. His pleasure in inflicting harm on others is terrible, but more understandable now. No one goes through something like that and comes out all right.

Sanji continues on about a chance encounter at his restaurant where Zoro claims to have seen his father. And now he refuses to leave the apartment for anything other than working in fear of running into him again.

"Wait, his father is here?"

"That's who he said he saw."

"How can that be? Is he not, I don't know, in prison or something?"

"I'm not sure. But Zoro said he was there." He looks to Nami with slight skepticism on his features. "I'm not sure if he really saw him, or it was just his mind playing tricks on him at this point though. I don't mean to say that isn't who he saw I don't doubt that, but he is pretty unstable right now. He is getting better, but…"

Sanji looks almost worse than Zoro. This is all taking a lot out of him as well. Watching someone you love be torn apart by himself has to be horrible.

"He's still in there, Sanji."

"I know. That's what I'm holding on to. I just…" He closes his eyes and runs a hand through his hair so that Nami can just catch sight of the eye he keeps hidden. "I miss him. I know Zoro is buried in there somewhere and I wish I could find him. I want him to come back. This is all so hard. I want to help him so badly, but there's not much that I can do. It's painful watching him sometimes knowing that I can't do anything about it. All I can really do is just be there for him, but it doesn't feel like it's enough all of the time. And his drinking… he's hardly ever sober and he won't stop no matter what I say. It's just all getting really hard." He looks like he's doing all he can to not break down into tears.

Nami catches movement out of the corner of her eye and turns slightly to see Zoro standing in the doorway to his room. He looks… broken. He heard what Sanji had just said and he looks devastated about it. Sanji turns to see what Nami is looking at.

"Zoro…"

The green haired man slowly makes his way to the blonde. He reaches a hand out and gently touches his face. "Do I really make you feel so terribly?" Sanji looks back at him without words. "I don't want to do that to you. You don't deserve that. I don't want to bring anyone else down with me, especially not you."

What is Zoro doing right now? Nami is getting a really bad feeling.

"Zoro, what are you trying to say?"

"I don't want to do this to you anymore."

"Don't you dare do this. Don't say that."

"Sanji-"

"Zoro, stop." Sanji stands up and moves around the couch to get to the other man. He takes his face into both of his hands. "I'm not going anywhere, Zoro. I don't care what you say. I'm not leaving."

"Then I will."


	36. Chapter 36

**A/N: I tried to get this out as quick as I could seeing as I was a little mean at the end of last chapter. :) Enjoy!**

The air in the room feels thick.

Nami feels like she really should not be here right now. This is not something she should be a part of. The two men are looking back at each other with hurt expressions; Sanji's being the worst. Zoro looks almost more apologetic.

How can he do this?

As weird of a relationship as they seem to have, they care so deeply about one another. They work well together; they're almost perfect for each other.

Zoro cannot do this.

But it isn't her place to say anything.

Suddenly Sanji's face twists in rage. "What is wrong with you? What the fuck happened to you?"

Zoro looks back at him in hurt. "You know exactly what happened to me."

"That's not what I mean. I mean this isn't you. You're the most determined motherfucker I've ever met. You don't back down on anything, and look what you're doing. You're running away from this, from yourself. I'll ask you again, what the fuck happened to you?" He steps forward and shoves Zoro in the shoulders.

Zoro takes a step back with a look of slight confusion and stares at Sanji's hands.

"You're being a coward. Man the fuck up. If you are really doing this right now, you're not the man I thought you were." He shoves Zoro again.

"Don't call me a coward."

"It's how you're acting. Coward." He pushes Zoro a bit harder this time.

Zoro finally reacts. He shoves Sanji back twice as hard. "I'm not a fucking coward. I'm trying to do what I think is right."

"Yeah? Well what you think is right apparently is running away from all of your problems. That's what you've always done, you ran away from your old life to come here, you ran away from the organization, you run away from everything you feel and drown it in alcohol. You ran away from your family when-"

Zoro punched Sanji in the nose and Nami heard a crack.

Sanji's hand flies to his face, he pulls it away and looks at the blood smeared across it then up at Zoro who looks overcome by rage.

The blonde lashes out with a hard kick to Zoro's ribs. She can see the pain on Zoro's features when it connects.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Sanji? How fucking low can you get?" He lands another punch, this time to Sanji's stomach. Sanji coughs and returns the blow by sweeping Zoro's legs out from under him. The two fall to the floor; Sanji comes out on top trying to hold down the large green haired man.

"There's obviously something wrong with me if I've been putting up with you for so long."

Zoro manages to find leverage from the floor and flips the two of them over so he has the advantage.

"Yeah? I gave you so many outs; all you had to do was take one. If you really feel like that, why are you fighting so hard against this?"

He pulls his arm back ready to strike, but Sanji moves quicker. He pushes off with his legs and moves out of the way just in time and Zoro's fist connects with the flooring; Nami can almost feel the impact herself. He pulls his hand back and Nami can see blood beginning to spill from his knuckles. If that hit would have met Sanji's face, he might not be moving anymore.

"Because I know you can be better. This isn't you, Zoro. What happened to the cocky asshole who didn't take shit?"

The two quickly get back to their feet and their scuffle turns more dangerous. Nami feels it necessary to move out of the way and she quickly takes cover in the kitchen. She doesn't really know what she should be doing in this situation. She wants to stop them, but she doesn't want to get hit. She shouldn't be here, but now she can't leave, not now that this is happening. She yells for them to stop, but they aren't listening. They're far too concentrated on each other. They look like they really might kill each other, and after hearing what Sanji had to say about Zoro earlier it doesn't seem too far fetched of an idea.

They move around the living area dodging and blocking each other's blows. Zoro corners Sanji against a wall, but he uses the wall to his advantage. He pushes off and uses both feet the land a solid hit to Zoro's chest. Zoro stumbles backwards, but recovers quickly and throws Sanji into his coffee table, which is now lying splintered on the floor with Sanji in the middle. He gets on top of Sanji's prone body and lands a few punches to his face. Sanji throws him off and manages to get him back with a kick to the face that sends Zoro's head back. Nami thought Sanji might have broken his neck it was so hard.

Their hostile banter has ceased due to the force of their blows. They are both breathing heavily and bleeding; yet they continue to fight.

They fight hard and relentlessly. Zoro catches Sanji off guard and manages to pin him to the ground again. Sanji is about to be on the receiving end of a devastating punch to the face. She can see his eyes widen in anticipation. Nami can't watch this any longer. She rushes over to the two men and just as Zoro pulls his arm back she grabs a hold of it.

"ZORO STOP IT!"

He turns slightly to her and with a growl throws her a few feet to the ground with a swing of his arm, dislodging her grip of him. Their eyes connect briefly and he seems to have registered what he had just done. His grip on Sanji's shirt slacks and he looks back down to the blonde, anger still etched into his features. He quickly pushes himself off of Sanji and heads to his bedroom.

Sanji sits up and quickly makes his way over to Nami, checking her over and making sure she isn't hurt.

Nami can hear Zoro rummaging around and he soon appears again with two bags, a backpack and an elongated one that she's seen once or twice before. He treads past Nami and Sanji to the front door without a glance in their direction. Sanji leaps up to start after him.

"Zoro."

He stops momentarily to glare at Sanji. He breaks the contact and reaches down to grab his helmet before turning to the door.

"Zoro, wait." Sanji rests a hand on Zoro's arm.

He harshly pulls his arm out of Sanji's reach. "Don't fucking touch me."

He turns and exits through the front door without another word.

Sanji and Nami stare at the door in a dumb silence. Nami glances towards Sanji whose features are almost blank. She can't read him right now. She figures she could offer up some kind of solace for him. "He'll be back. He always comes back."

"I don't know about that, Nami. This feels different." She can see defeat start to settle onto him. "He's never been this angry at me before. If he didn't want to break up earlier, he definitely does now. And I think he just did."

They sit in silence for a while. Nami is unsure what to say to Sanji at this point, and Sanji seems at a loss for words as well. She catches him poking gently at the bloody mess of his nose.

"You should probably see Chopper about that."

He looks up and seems a bit startled by the sound of her voice. "You're probably right. I'm pretty sure it's broken."

"It looks it. I can take you if you'd like."

"That'd be nice, thank you. Let me clean up a little first."

She is glad that he is allowing her to accompany him to see Chopper. She doesn't really want to leave him alone right now, not after that encounter.

She waits patiently in the living room while Sanji does what he can to remedy his appearance. She tries to ignore the broken furniture and bloodstains that surround her. After a few minutes, Sanji reappears and they head out to see the little doctor to fix Sanji.

Nami knows mending the bones won't do much in way of fixing everything. Sanji is still going to be broken emotionally after this. She wishes there was more that she could do for him than just bringing him to Chopper. Nami wonders if this is the helplessness Sanji was talking about when he said he wishes there was more he could do for Zoro, more than just comforting.

When Chopper sees him, he is frantic.

"Sanji! Oh my god, what happened to you?" His eyes are wide and concerned. Sanji looks as if he is about to brush off the question, but Chopper continues. "Did you get in a fight? Who hit you? Sanji you need to be more careful!"

"I know, Chopper, I know. Can you just fix my nose?" The young doctor nods and looks to Nami before starting on Sanji's face. He does so in silence as Sanji tries his best to not react to the replacement of his facial bones. She can tell it's painful though. His nose begins to bleed again and she is asked to retrieve a towel, which she does immediately.

After telling Sanji what he must do to ensure a proper mend, Chopper begins questioning him again. "Sanji, who broke your nose?"

"It doesn't matter." Nami doesn't blame him for not wanting to talk about this. She's not really all that sure what is going on between Zoro and Sanji, and she is pretty sure Sanji doesn't either.

Chopper seems to pick up the mood and quickly stops his line of questioning.

Sanji doesn't seem all too excited about sticking around, so they say their goodbye's and the blonde promises Chopper that he will be more careful in the future before Nami takes him to his apartment. She doesn't really want to leave him, but she has no excuse to stay, so she watches him slowly exit her car and enter his building with despondent air about him.

-:-

Sanji's nose is healing nicely. Despite all the bruising, it looks almost normal. He replays the encounter over and over in his head, and no matter how many times he thinks about it, he feels completely at fault. He knows he's completely at fault. He should not have said what he did to Zoro.

Why did he say that?

He doesn't believe that. Zoro did not deserve that. He was only doing what he thought was right, and Sanji knows it. He was just so upset with what Zoro was trying to do that he was saying anything to make him want to change his mind. But he definitely picked the wrong words.

It's been three days since he last saw Zoro.

Sanji decided to at least give him some space. He wants to talk to him, to try to rectify what he had done wrong, but he knows Zoro needs some time to cool down if he wants to talk to him.

He picks up his phone and stares are Zoro's contact.

Is three days enough time?

Maybe he should try stopping by his apartment. But then again maybe he shouldn't. He doesn't want another explosive confrontation. Calling him would probably be the safest form of contact right now.

He takes a deep breath and presses the call button. He carefully holds the phone to his ear and waits for the line to connect. The ominous ringing feels like it lasts forever until the voicemail picks up.

Sanji sighs and ends the call. He doesn't want to leave a message. He doesn't really know what he wants to say. He's thought about it endlessly, but he still can't think of anything that will make this right.

At least he knows Zoro's phone is on. It's not lost or forgotten somewhere. If he did leave, and Sanji thinks he may have since he had a bag with him, then he definitely has it with him.

Sanji really hopes he didn't leave. Maybe he just went to blow off some steam at the gym, maybe he's home. Where would he go if he weren't at home? Last time he disappeared he said he was just wandering. If he did repeat the same course of action, Sanji hopes he can find his way home.

Sanji's bed feels too large without Zoro next to him; too empty and cold. He looks to his phone and decides to try to call again, but still no answer.

Maybe he should send him a text?

He pulls up their messages and types in a simple 'can we talk?'. He hesitates over the send button until his thumb presses down unintentionally. Well, can't take it back now. He places his phone on the table next to the bed and tries to ignore it as he does his best to get comfortable so he can fall asleep.

Sleep doesn't come easy though. He can't help but wonder what Zoro is doing, what he is thinking. He really hopes he isn't getting pushed further into loss of control. Sanji was actually very surprised at the amount of control he had over himself in their fight. He may have been attacking with all he had, but he was able to stop himself once Nami interfered. Though if she hadn't, Sanji isn't sure what may have happened to himself. Zoro looked pretty ready to finish him off right there. And there was no sign of remorse afterwards.

Maybe this really is over.

No. He won't let that happen. He needs to talk to Zoro. He needs to set things right with him. He can't just leave like that. It doesn't sit well with Sanji. Usually their fights end amicably, but this was not a usual fight. And he doesn't like the outcome.

If Sanji isn't with Zoro, he isn't sure what Zoro may do. He may further close himself off and be lost in himself. He might cut himself off from everyone he knows. He may not be able to hold back the thoughts that plague him and threaten to consume him. He might do something rash and impulsive, something he will deeply regret later. Something he can't take back.

But, if Sanji is not there, Zoro can also learn to control himself on his own.

He hadn't really thought of that before.

Sanji hates their separation, but maybe Zoro needs this. Maybe he needs to learn to be self sufficient in his mental care. Perhaps Sanji had been selfish by staying with him for so long, and for taking care of him. He was obviously doing it because he loves the man, but was he holding Zoro back? Would Zoro have been better if he had been dealing with all of this without Sanji's interference? If Sanji hadn't been coddling him at every misstep that he took?

Has Sanji been fucking up this entire time?

Sanji groans and pulls a pillow over his face. He doesn't know what to do. He wants to be with Zoro. They need to be together. Neither of them will be happy without the other, he knows that.

But just as Zoro had said, he is bringing Sanji down. Sanji could benefit from some time away, and Zoro could benefit by learning to control his impulses on his own more. He understands the reasoning behind Zoro's proposal of their separation, no matter how much he doesn't want it.

Maybe a few days more won't be so bad.

But only a few days more. Sanji doesn't want to lose what they have.

He just wants to see the man, and see that he is ok, or as ok as the moss ball can be at this point.

The next few days don't go as smoothly as Sanji would have liked. He misses the stupid marimo idiot. A lot. And he hasn't had any contact with him despite the few calls he made to him and the lone text he sent. He's getting really worried that he might never speak to him again.

Or worse, he did something terrible and he can't talk to him for whatever reason.

That thought pops into Sanji's head more than once, and he feels the need to check on him. He wants so badly to just head over to the apartment that he had practically lived in for months, but he knows he shouldn't. If Zoro hasn't contacted him, then he needs to keep his distance. It's getting really hard to do that though.

He's talked to Nami since the incident. She hasn't had much in the way of contact with Zoro either. He's clearly running through his dropping off the face of the earth routine. Sanji hasn't talked to anyone else, though. Not that Zoro had been in contact with anyone else at all before any of this happened, so he knows they probably haven't talked to him either.

Sanji tries to keep himself busy with his restaurant. Which definitely is helping, but everyone keeps looking at him oddly with the mass amounts of bruising on his face.

Brook has tried to get him to open up about what happened to him when he made his way out to the dining area one night while he was working his entertainment shift, but Sanji refused to say a word about it. He's also tried to get information about Zoro, since he hasn't spoken to him since he last saw him months ago, but Sanji had to regretfully tell him he's not sure what he's doing since they aren't seeing each other right now.

Brook was overly shocked. He had thought the two were getting along wonderfully. They always seemed so happy together. Sanji's only response was something along the lines of 'things happen'. He doesn't remember the conversation all too clearly since he did not want to be having it and was doing all he could to think of some excuse to return to the kitchen.

He felt very much in the way in his own kitchen. Since he hadn't been around often for so long, everyone has more or less everything under control without his guidance or skills. He is able to take over a few orders, but he is for the most part unneeded.

Not something he wants to be feeling here as well. He feels that enough when he thinks about Zoro.

Nami keeps telling him he should come see everyone. He and Zoro have missed so much; he might as well rejoin the group even if Zoro is still missing, but Sanji hesitant to do so. He doesn't want to explain his and Zoro's falling out. He doesn't want to have to tell them all what happened or why it happened. Nami already had a pretty unfavorable reaction to Zoro's whole story; he's not sure how everyone else would take it or how Zoro would feel if he were to just reveal it to everyone. Though he's sure more than a few of them are aware of their probable split since he had mentioned something to Brook.

Sanji really wishes he could just talk to the moss ball. He decides to send him one more message. Texts get through to him better, he doesn't like to speak on the phone all that much.

He's hoping Zoro will say something. Anything, even if it's just to tell him to fuck off. He just wants to know the man is all right.

He sits down on his couch, his almost never used couch since he had practically moved into Zoro's. He picks up his phone and opens up Zoro's thread, his last message being unanswered.

He thinks hard about what he could say to him.

He eventually settles on repeating himself.

 _Can we please talk?_

He sets his phone down while he gets up to pour himself a glass of wine. He pours more than was necessary because as soon as he began to fill his glass he hears his phone go off and he nearly dumped out the rest of the bottle.

He quickly heads back to his phone with his overly full glass. He eagerly checks his phone and is not disappointed.

A short message from Zoro is displayed on the screen.

 _Can't now_

Relief floods his system; he made contact. But he still feels unsettled. The marimo can't talk right now. He's not sure what that should mean.

 _Can you at least tell me if you're ok?_

That he can at least answer simply if he can't talk. Sanji can't stop wondering why he can't. What is he doing that won't allow him to text him back?

He waits impatiently for a reply. He sips his wine greedily in anticipation while he watches for his phone to light up with a response.

 _I don't know_

I don't know. What does that mean? He doesn't know if he can tell him, or he doesn't know he's ok? Why is his boyfriend, or ex, or whatever Zoro is right now the worst communicator on the face of the earth? He knows that will be all the explanation he will get from him, so he decides to ask a final question.

 _Where are you?_

This message takes a considerably longer amount of time to receive a reply. Sanji has nearly finished his drink by the time is comes through. Though it could have been a lot shorter of a time period than he had thought. He may have been nearly chugging his glass.

 _Not where I should be_

Again, not much to go on. That could mean many different things; not where he should be because he's not with Sanji, or not where he should be because he's lost, or is he somewhere he actually should not be?

Almost immediately he gets another message from the marimo.

 _Really can't talk now, but soon_

Sanji is caught between the excitement for the promise of speaking with Zoro and the slight troubled feel he gets from Zoro's odd clipped messages.


	37. Chapter 37

**A/N: Another busy week, but I got some written! Enjoy.**

Sanji has been impatiently awaiting Zoro's pending promise to talk. He's been silent for what seems like the longest two days of Sanji's life. Sanji has been using all of his willpower not to pick up his phone and call the idiot; he has to wait for Zoro to contact him, he doesn't want to be pushy. If he wants to be sure to get him back, he needs to at least keep the illusion of patience.

But it's really fucking hard.

He checks his phone nearly every five minutes, sometimes more, making sure he hasn't missed anything from the marimo. He busies himself with work. Even though the kitchen seems to not need him, he makes room for himself since he is the owner and technically the head chef. He's allowed to do what he pleases in his own damn restaurant.

He feels a buzz in his pants' pocket and flinches so hard he almost knocks over the pan he was using. He frantically digs into his pocket and pulls his phone out. To his dismay it is not Zoro. But his mood lightens slightly when he realizes he has a text from Nami.

What are you doing tonight?

She has been trying to get him to see everyone for the past few days. He has politely refused every time, but he thinks maybe tonight he should just go. He could use a distraction from the hell of anticipation. And maybe a night with friends will distract him enough to keep him from checking his phone constantly. He could really use a night to see everyone, too.

He decides to give in. He texts her that he is free for the night which receives a reply inviting him over to Luffy and Ace's where Sanji is sure all of their friends will be with the exception of Zoro. His affirmation that he will be there is met with many emojis and unnecessary capitalization.

He leaves the restaurant earlier than he had for the past week to make it over to Ace and Luffy's at a reasonable hour. Well, maybe a little earlier than reasonable since he knows he will most likely be asked to cook something and he wants to give himself plenty of time.

And he was correct. The moment he enters the apartment he is greeted with enthusiasm and then shoved into the kitchen at the request of Luffy. He doesn't mind it one bit; he does miss cooking for his friends and he never misses an opportunity to show off his kitchen skills no matter how many times his friends have tried his food.

As he prepares dinner in the kitchen his friends filter in and out of the room to grab snacks and drinks. Most all of them linger momentarily to catch up quickly, and all of them question him on the still bruised mess that is his nose. It's at least straight now. He had almost forgotten it was there since the kitchen staff have started to ignore it at this point knowing they may get fired because Sanji lost his temper over all the questioning and threatened to throw out the next person to ask him about it.

They all thankfully stay off the topic of Zoro. Nami probably prompted everyone before hand not to say anything. He can see the strain in some of their faces as they try their best to hold back the questions.

He finishes up his masterpiece of a meal and enlists Usopp and Brook to help bring the food out to everyone knowing they might be the least likely to steal food from the trays. Usopp is too afraid that Sanji might hurt him for it, and he probably would.

The meal is obviously loved by all. Sanji expected no less, but he still enjoys watching his friends enjoy his meticulously crafted food. It's what he lives for. Zoro was kind of right, he did really miss cooking as much as he used to. He hasn't gotten to indulge himself or others this way for a while. And he's really missed being around everyone.

He's been so busy with everyone else that he nearly forgot he's supposed to be waiting to hear from the moss head. Why did he have to start thinking about him? Now he's just going to be in anticipation hell once again. Great.

He rolls his eyes at himself and steps out onto the fire escape for a quick smoke. Usopp appears next to him after a moment to his surprise.

"Have you taken up smoking since I last saw you, Usopp?"

He lets out a nervous sounding laugh and tries his best to steel himself as he prepares what he's going to say. Sanji mentally prepares as well, he knows what's probably coming. "So, did Zoro give you that broken nose? Is that why you aren't together anymore?"

There it is. The question he has been hoping would be ignored all night. "Something like that." He inhales deeply on his cigarette and blows the smoke out deliberately in Usopp's direction. Usopp coughs and waves the smoke away. "Sorry." He's not.

"What happened?"

"This is not something I really want to talk about tonight, Usopp."

"I know, I'm sorry I'm just-" When he feels the buzz of his phone in his pocket, Sanji tunes out Usopp's voice immediately. There are really only two possible callers right now since all of his friends are at the same place as he is: the restaurant to tell him the kitchen is on fire, or Zoro.

He really hopes his kitchen is not on fire.

He quickly pulls the phone out and his heart stops momentarily. It's Zoro. Ignoring Usopp, he'll apologize later, he presses answer and holds the phone to his ear. "Hello?"

"Where are you?"

"Uh, Ace and Luffy's." This not quite how he had expected his conversation to go, though he really didn't know what he had thought he would say. He sounds a little odd though.

"Ok."

"Is everything all right?" When he receives no response he checks his phone and sees that Zoro has disconnected the call. He stares at the phone in confusion until he hears Usopp ask who he was talking to. "Just some of the cooks being idiots. Don't worry about it."

He doesn't feel like explaining that odd sort of conversation. He decides to think on it later and he ushers Usopp back inside with him before he can ask any more questions and they both grab a drink.

The next hour or so is spent with much laughter, loud music, and drinking. This is exactly what Sanji needed; he doesn't know why he took so long to accept Nami's invitation or why he hadn't just shown up at his friend's doors sooner. All thoughts of Zoro and his weird phone call have made their way to the back corner of his mind while he happily catches up with friends and listens to ridiculous stories that don't seem plausible in the least while watching some of his idiot friends over perform renditions of popular songs due to intoxication.

His stress free mind set is shattered the moment he hears the door open and the excited voice of Luffy. "Zoro?!"

All heads turn to the front door where Luffy is attempting to hug the man who is looking more and more uncomfortable by the second. He pries Luffy off of him and scans the room. The moment Sanji locks eyes with him he gets a terrible feeling. He knows that look. Shit.

He makes a beeline over to Sanji and grabs a fistful of his shirt bring him close as speaks low. "Tell me I shouldn't do it."

"Do what? What's going on?"

"Just tell me I shouldn't do it." His other hand moves to Sanji's arm, his nails beginning to dig into his skin.

"Zoro, what are you-"

"Just say it!"

"Don't do it." He looks at the marimo's face and sees his brows knit together and his eye tightly closed. He's starting to get a little worried. "Whatever you're thinking of doing, do not do it." He grunts in response and tightens the grip on his shirt and arm. "Zoro, let go, you're hurting me." He pulls his arm against Zoro's hold when he doesn't release him. "Zoro." He flinches slightly and frees Sanji's arm and now heavily wrinkled shirt. His hands hover for a moment before running through his hair. Sanji glances around the room to see everyone watching the two of them. "Come here."

He needs to get Zoro out of sight. He knows the man doesn't want everyone to see him like that, and he needs to get him out of range of everyone in case he does something. He wants to keep everyone from asking questions, too. Sanji doesn't exactly feel like explaining whats going on here right now. He pulls the moss head out to the fire escape. "Hey, calm down. What happened?"

Zoro tries to start a sentence multiple times, but words seem to be failing him. He takes a few deep breaths and tries again. "I saw him."

"Who?" Sanji is desperately hoping its not who he think it is.

"I almost… but I didn't. Just tell me I shouldn't."

"You shouldn't do it. Don't do it." Did he really walk away from him? Despite Zoro's obviously distressed behavior, Sanji is proud of him for actually walking away without doing anything. Zoro is leaned up against the wall with his head resting on the bricks, his hands hovering in the air as if he doesn't know what to do with them. Sanji can see him trembling slightly. "Zoro, you really need to calm down."

"Does Ace have anything to drink?" He is keeping his eye closed as he speaks.

"Probably, but I don't think-"

"Fuck, Sanji, I haven't had anything to drink in two days, I need it."

Sanji immediately recognizes that he trembling is not due to the loss of control he is currently experiencing, but from alcohol withdrawal. "Ok, just stay here." He doesn't really want to give Zoro alcohol, but he knows adding one stress on top of another is not going to be helping him any. The alcohol is the easier fix right now. He returns with a bottle of whiskey for Zoro who snatches it out of his hand and drinks a fourth of the bottle as if it's water. He sighs deeply after pulling the bottle from his mouth. He cracks his eye open and looks to Sanji, the familiar murderous intent still present. He's not sure what Zoro wants him to do, so he cautiously pulls him into an embrace like he used to when Zoro was in this state. Zoro responds by leaning heavily into Sanji. He can hear the swish of liquid as Zoro continues to drink over his shoulder.

"Can you talk to me?"

Sanji says the first thing that comes to mind.

"You really saw him?"

"Please not that."

"Right." Why would Zoro want to talk about the reason he's lost control? Sanji searches his mind for something else. "Can we talk about what happened last week?"

Zoro lets out a heavy sight. "Not right now."

"I don't know what you want me talk about then. The weather?"

"Fine, then just don't say anything."

He has so many questions for Zoro, but none seem appropriate right now. He wants to ask what exactly happened, why is he like this right now? Where has he been, does he still want to end things? He knows asking any of those will just prolong Zoro reinstating control over his mind. So he does as he requested and doesn't say anything.

Sanji can feel Zoro clench and unclench his jaw as he tries to take controlled breaths. He can feel the tension in all of Zoro's muscles across his back. He feels the bottle hit his own back and can tell it's pretty much empty at this point. Zoro takes another sip from the bottle and growls. He shoves Sanji away and looks angrily at the empty bottle. His temper flares and he throws the bottle at the wall where it shatters. He lets out a snarled curse and crouches down with his head bowed and his hands fisting his hair.

"Zoro, you need to calm down."

"I know I need to calm down, but the more you say that, the less it helps."

Sanji bites his tongue.

The two men sit in silence as Zoro wrestles with his mind. He watches the marimo closely. He knows he can do this, he's seen it happen. Sanji isn't sure if Zoro is more out of it than usual or if he's panicked because of why he's in this state. Either way, it's making it harder for him to pull himself together.

Slowly, Sanji can see tension leaving Zoro's shoulders and his hands relax in his hair; he drops one hand and runs the other over his face. He pushes himself into a standing position and stares at the broken bottle in front of him.

"You alright?"

"No."

"Are you… you?"

Zoro gives a small nod. "I'm going to get more to drink." He heads inside without another look towards Sanji. He's not sure if it's because of what just happened or because they apparently broke up and going to your ex for something like that is probably a little awkward. Whatever it is Zoro is thinking, Sanji follows him inside and parks himself on a couch. On his way to sit down, he feels the room staring at him but when he glances around, everyone is finding something very interesting about their cups and a sudden conversation pops up between a few people. Sanji waits for Zoro to return with his usual bottle in hand before heading back into the kitchen for another drink. He thought he'd feel better after seeing Zoro, but that was not how he wanted their encounter to go. He still is unsure of where they stand, or if they can even rectify what happened. He's not even sure Zoro wants to talk to him anymore by the way he's acting.

Gradually, the atmosphere relaxes again and things get back to relative normality in the apartment. Sanji puts up a front making it seem as though everything is fine and plasters a smile on while he speaks with others and drinks slowly. He knows if he drinks too much he runs the risk of losing it on Zoro.

Speaking of Zoro, the marimo seems to be losing himself in the alcohol. He has a growing pile of bottles near him and looks to be slightly swaying in his seat. Sanji takes a deep breath and tries to ignore the obvious signs of Zoro drinking too much. He is not his problem anymore. Zoro didn't want him to worry about him, so he won't.

Zoro has barely spoken to anyone. A few of his friends have tried speaking to him, but he hasn't been too responsive, at least not that Sanji has seen. The others seem to be giving him a lot of space, including Nami. Maybe it was a mistake to tell her everything. If things do go sour for him and Zoro, the moss head could probably use someone to talk to but at this rate, he's not sure there will be anyone for him. He watches him wave off the invitation to join in drinking games while feeling around for his most recently opened bottle. Once he finds it, he leans back in his seat and surveys the room, his eye quickly skipping over Sanji.

Sanji is honestly a little surprised Zoro has stayed as long as he has. From the awkwardness at seeing Sanji and the whole room witnessing an episode, to experiencing withdrawal symptoms, Sanji would have bet that Zoro would have left once he got himself sorted out. The withdrawal symptoms were odd, though. Had he really not drank anything for two days?

He shakes his head and disperses the thoughts about the marimo. He's supposed to be enjoying time with his friends not mulling over the brooding moss in the corner.

He can't ignore him all night though. When his behavior towards others becomes abrasive and he breaks another bottle in what Sanji assumes is self-directed anger, he decides it's time Zoro leaves. He's pretty sure this is not what everyone had in mind whenever they mention that they want to hang out with Zoro. He apologizes in his stead and steers the alcohol soaked moss to his car.

He can't just dump him at home though. What kind of a person would he be if he were to just drop off a highly intoxicated angry marimo to be left to his own devices? That sounds like a terrible idea. So Sanji brings him to his own apartment. Zoro is so out of it he doesn't even seem to realize he is not in his home.

He has to coax him over to the bed, though. He keeps trying to make his way into the kitchen and mumbling about wanting more. That is not something Sanji will be letting happen, he has had entirely too much already. Sanji puts the idiot on his bed and takes his boots off. Why the moss head insists on wearing those all the time he will never know. He manages to wrestle the covers out from under him and throws them on top of the already sleeping Zoro. He pretty much passed out the moment his head hit the pillow.

Sanji settles himself on the couch, unsure if it's appropriate for him to sleep next to Zoro. He'd probably feel a little odd laying in bed knowing Zoro was unresponsive and not necessarily his partner anymore. He lets out a small groan. This is not what he had envisioned when he thought about talking to Zoro. Maybe tomorrow will be more promising, or at least bring the promise of a conversation regarding their split.

He chain smokes until he falls asleep on the limited space of the couch.

-:-

Zoro wakes up to someone shaking him. Ugh, why can't he just be left alone? He's exhausted and his head hurts. He can hear the distinct sound of Sanji's voice and smell of smoke on him. He does the bare minimum and grunts at him, he's not quite awake enough for words.

"Marimo, get up."

"Let me sleep." When Sanji continues to shake him he speaks up again. "Go back to sleep Sanji." He reaches out for the blonde and pulls him close snuggling up to what feels like his hip.

"Zoro."

"What?" Why can't he just let him sleep in? He doesn't have anything to do today.

"You do realize you broke up with me a week ago, right?"

Oh. Right. "I did, didn't I?" He slowly unwraps himself from Sanji and rolls away from him slightly. "Sorry." He's not sure if he's apologizing for ending things or for forgetting that he did. "What are you doing here?"

"I live here."

Zoro opens his eye for the first time since he woke up and looks around at… Sanji's room. "What am I doing here?"

"Being an angry drunk moss." He gives Sanji a confused look. "You got a little too drunk last night, it didn't feel right to just leave you at home alone."

Bits and pieces of the previous night enter Zoro's mind. He remembers being at Luffy and Ace's looking for Sanji. He needed the cook, he wasn't sure what else to do. He had managed to walk away, but that was the extent of his control. He feels stupid for seeking the cook out now. Zoro is not his problem anymore.

"You didn't have to do that."

"I know, but I did. I didn't want to make everyone else have to figure out what to do with you." He feels bad that he had forced Sanji into taking care of him once again. This is why he left him in the first place. "Can we talk?"

"What is there to talk about?"

"Can we talk about us?"

He really doesn't want to do this right now. He can tell he over drank last night, and he could really use some more right now. He could also use a nap, but he can't exactly do that here. He figures if he wants to do any of that he's going to have to talk to Sanji first. He sighs and looks to the blonde. "I still stand by what I did."

"Why?"

"Because, Sanji, you aren't happy and-"

"I was happy, I never said I wasn't."

"Let me finish. You weren't. You never did what you wanted to do. That's not how you should have to live. You didn't even feel like my partner anymore, you were more like my caretaker who I happened to sleep with sometimes. It's not right keeping you in a relationship that's tearing us both apart. It's not healthy."

"And you trying to manage on your own is?"

"It's better than bringing you into it. I shouldn't have let that happen. I was stupid to think this was going to work. I shouldn't have done this."

"Are you regretting this?" Zoro looks up at Sanji and sees the hurt plain on his features.

"No. I don't regret being with you at all. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. But I should have known this wouldn't work and I shouldn't have even let it get this far. I'm not good for you. And I'm not in any place to be in a relationship. I never have been." Sanji doesn't seem to know what to say. He's staring off to the side in silence. "I need to get myself under control, Sanji, and I'm not going to be able to like this. Not when I'm worrying about you. I appreciate you; I appreciate everything you've done for me, but I'm not getting any better."

"Yes you are. I've been watching you for over a year, you're getting better. You walked away last night from whatever set you off, you wouldn't have been able to do that before."

"That's not enough. I'm sick of feeling like this all the time. And I can't get myself in a better place here."

"What are you saying? Are you leaving again?"

Zoro nods slightly. "I've been thinking about it."

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know. I just know I can't stay here, not while he's here." He knows he won't get any better being near his father. Just knowing that he is in the same city as him is enough to set him off. He needs to get as far away as he can or he will do something that will get him in a lot of trouble.

Sanji looks devastated; it's really hitting him that Zoro is ending this.

"How long will you be gone?"

"As long as it takes." Zoro reaches out to Sanji's hand. "Hey, I'll tell you what. If I get better-"

"When you get better." Sanji has too much faith in him.

"I'll come find you. And we can try again. Ok?"

"I guess that's the best I'm going to get isn't it?"

"I'm sorry."

Silence falls between them for a few moments before Sanji speaks up again. "When are you leaving?"

"Soon." He's not exactly sure, he does have to empty out his apartment and figure out what to do with it and telling everyone else his plan to leave. But after that he plans on heading out of the city.

"Can you stay for today?"

"You know that's only going to make this harder."

"I don't care."

Zoro lets out a small smile. "Come here."

Sanji situates himself half on top of Zoro as Zoro wraps his arms around him. He will gladly ignore the need for alcohol he feels if it means he gets to spend one last day with Sanji in his arms. He doesn't know if he'll ever see him again.


	38. Chapter 38

**A/N: I totally expected this to be up faster, but Halloween is coming and it's too fun to get things ready for children who never get to celebrate it and I just love Halloween. This chapter got a lot mushier than I had expected it to, but I guess it makes up for how sad and depressing the entirety of this story has been? Well maybe not for the whole story but at least for the last chapter. I'm realizing now how off track this story has gotten from when I first started writing it. It was not meant to be such an angst ridden piece but here we are. Anyways, heres the next chapter, and I hope you enjoy!**

Zoro has officially left. Sanji knows this because he has been asked repeatedly how he is doing. He doesn't want to talk to anyone about it though. He feels like a hole has been ripped through his chest. Nothing feels right without Zoro.

He gave Zoro his spare key when he left Sanji's apartment for the last time. It felt like he was handing over his life; it was his life, Zoro was his life.

Before he left, Zoro made him make a promise, a promise that Sanji does not want to keep, but a promise nonetheless. He told Sanji that he has to promise not to wait for him. That he has no idea when he'll be back, but he doesn't want Sanji to wait around for it to happen. His reasoning being that he wants Sanji to be happy, but how can Sanji be happy without his moss? Zoro told him it could be years, what happens when ten years go by and he finally feels right enough. He doesn't expect Sanji to be waiting for him. But in the same breath, he promised that he would still find him no matter what. No matter how long it takes, he will find Sanji even if it's just to let him know that he's all right.

Sanji stupidly takes the route home that brings him by Zoro's apartment out of habit. He really should find a new way home when he's walking from work. He glances around at it and notices Zoro's bike is conspicuously gone and there are a few things he knows to be the marimo's in a dumpster.

He's really gone.

Sanji feels like he's walking through a dream. He keeps waiting to wake up, for Zoro to flop on top of him and jar him awake with the scent of alcohol on his breath asking for something to eat, then joking that he would rather have Sanji for a snack. This can't be real.

All week, Sanji has been holding onto their last day together. It felt like he had the old Zoro back, the real Zoro. Not this weird imposter Zoro who wants to break up and thinks he can't get his life together. He tries his best not think about it until he gets home though, because he might just break down on the sidewalk.

When he does make it home, he indulges himself by replaying the day over and over in his mind. He was so gentle, and sweet, and stupidly adorable. Sanji isn't sure if he would have rather not have had Zoro stay that day to make this easier, but he's glad he did. He's glad he has a good memory of the moss instead of the terrible fight they just had, or the depression and alcoholism Zoro had been suffering from.

-:-

Zoro has his arms around Sanji. He takes in the muscular embrace that surrounds him. He doesn't want this to ever end. He can pretend it doesn't have to. They lay there in silence for what feels like hours. Then Sanji realizes that Zoro might have fallen back asleep, because he is prone to doing that.

"Are you awake?"

"Hm?"

"You're not going to fall asleep on me right now."

"Technically you're on me."

"You know what I mean idiot."

Sanji can feel the smile on Zoro's face as it's pressed into his hair. "I'll try not to." Zoro presses a kiss into his head.

Sanji recalls that Zoro had a rough night last night and is probably suffering the consequences this morning. "Do you want some water or anything?"

"I should probably have some but-"

"If you say you want alcohol, so help me…"

Zoro huffs a laugh. "I mean I do, but not right now. I'd rather be sober right now." He can feel the moss tighten his grip on him slightly. "I was going to say I'd rather you stay here."

Sanji melts into his embrace. "You are the sappiest sap to ever sap. I hope you know that."

Zoro groans and tries to shove Sanji away slightly not that the blonde allows it. "As if you haven't told me enough already."

"I just like reminding you." He gets a grunt in reply. "You mentioned you hadn't drank for a few days, what brought that on?"

Zoro shifts beneath him. "I don't know. I tried to quit. It was harder than I thought it would be. I obviously didn't get too far with that."

"You still can. But what finally made you want to?"

"A lot, I guess. I know you hate it. And I know how I am when I'm drunk. I know I'm not that enjoyable to be around." Sanji holds back the 'you just now figured that out?' that tried to form on his lips. "I know it has a lot to do with why I don't see anyone anymore. I'm so bad at keeping in touch with everyone when I'm sober, and when I'm drunk I just don't seem to care."

"Zoro, there's more to it than that. You have a lot going on; it's not your fault or you being drunk that's kept you away."

"But they don't know why, and I've never tried to tell them."

"You don't have to. They still love you. You saw how Luffy reacted when he saw you last night. He couldn't have been happier that you were there."

"And I should have been happier to see him. Instead I shoved him off of me."

"You do that normally, don't you? I'm sure he didn't think anything of it."

Zoro is silent for a moment before Sanji can feel his breath ruffle his hair from the slight laugh he let out. "I guess that's true."

"Then don't worry about it. I'm sure they're more worried about you than anything." Sanji knows for a fact that they are more worried about him than anything. Since Zoro has decided to not respond to any of them, they have taken to speaking to Sanji. So now Sanji gets to feel like the guilty one for no one ever seeing the marimo and not being able to tell any one why. "What are you going to tell them?"

"What do you mean?"

"You are going to tell everyone you're leaving, right? You can't just disappear completely." Though Sanji would not put it past the idiot to do just that.

"I don't know, probably tell them something about how it's weird for me to stay in one place for so long. It's not untrue. It is weird for me to have a permanent place to stay, even now. I've definitely gotten used to it, but I never had anything like this before. Never had anywhere that was mine or stayed in one place for so long." Zoro hums in thought. "Well, I stayed in the same city for a long time, but I moved around often. I'd get kicked out of wherever I was and had to find somewhere else to be. Having something so permanent is just odd."

Sanji can understand that. Zoro had grown up in a very unconventional way. He's sure having an actual home is a little alien to him. Though he knows that is not the real reason he is leaving, but a believable one. He can't help but think that his leaving and splitting with himself would seem odd to the others. Zoro can deal with that mess himself.

He can feel one of Zoro's arms pull away and he glances up to see him rubbing his face. "You sure you don't want water?"

"It's ok. Water isn't the problem."

"Do you want something else?"

"No. I'm ok." He pulls his hand away from his face and smiles down at Sanji. He can feel his broad hand rubbing his back. He can tell his marimo is only putting on a front and he's not really ok, so he decides to distract him from his addiction.

"You know, I never though I'd be with you."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You're so completely different from anyone else I've ever been with."

"I never would have guessed." His voice takes on a sarcastic tone. "You only flirt with every large breasted and most feminine women you come across."

"Oh, believe me, it was a shock. I had a bit of a crisis when I realized I was into you."

Zoro lets out a laugh that Sanji can feel rumble through his chest. "What made you fall for me?"

He looks up at Zoro. The most unlikely person he thought he would ever love; the hyper masculine man with freakish natural green hair, a temper, and an alcohol problem. "The first time you kissed me."

"Really?" He looks to Sanji disbelieving. "That's what got you? That was probably one of the most embarrassing nights of my life."

"You've had worse?" Sanji knows too well how embarrassed the poor moss was that night. He locked himself in his room afterwards. Sanji probably would have died from how awkward the encounter was.

"Surprisingly, yes. Well, maybe not worse, but pretty on par with it." Sanji opens his mouth to ask about the other nights but Zoro quickly speaks over him. "And don't you dare ask about it because you will never know."

Sanji will never admit it but he probably pouts at that response. Instead he decides to embarrass the marimo in a different way. "What made you realize you wanted me?" He's never heard the story behind it, and he's damn well curious about it.

Zoro blushes slightly thinking about it. "It's stupid."

"I want to know. You asked me, it's only fair." He sits up a little to get a better look at Zoro's stupid face to see his reaction.

"Fine." He makes a point to not look at Sanji as he speaks. "You know when you found me passed out?"

Sanji looks at him blank faced. "Which time?"

Zoro sighs. "The first time."

"When you passed out in your own doorway?"

"Yeah." Zoro seems a tad embarrassed about it. Surely he is a bit embarrassed about being found after a binge and not remembering anything as to why he was passed out in the first place.

"So, what, you realized you had a huge crush on me after I carried you to the couch?"

"No, idiot." He shoved Sanji off of him slightly in annoyance. "Well, kind of, I guess. You were just being nice. I wasn't used to that, at least not from you."

"Yeah, well I thought you were kind of a dick before then. I took pity on you."

"Well you were a dick before then, how'd you expect me to act? You still are."

"You haven't gotten much better yourself."

"Do you want to hear this or not?" Sanji shuts up immediately. As much as he enjoys pushing all of Zoro's buttons, he is curious about what got him interested in himself. Zoro waits a few moments to be sure that Sanji isn't going to keep interrupting. "I realized I liked you then. I don't know why, but something about it just made me figure it out. Probably because you actually showed that you cared about me. You brought me food for no reason and I woke up to you cleaning blood off of me. It was one of the nicer things anyone has done for me. Usually in that situation I'm woken up by a cold shower."

"So you grow better in warm water?" Zoro groans and rolls his eye. He will never grow old of the plant allusions. "What part of that is supposed to be stupid?"

"I haven't gotten to that part yet." Sanji looks quizzically to Zoro before he continues. "I realized I liked you then, but I also realized I had liked you since I met you. I just had no idea I did."

"What do you mean you had no idea?" He lets a short laugh out at the moss man's expense. In Sanji's experience, he has always known he's liked someone immediately after it happens.

"Because I didn't know what that felt like." Sanji recalls Zoro saying something about how he had never been in a relationship before. How this was all new to him. Had he really not ever felt that way for anyone?

"You never-?"

"No. I never found anyone I wanted. I was never really looking for it. My life before this was just… it didn't really allow for anyone else. And I realize now if I was looking for something, I was looking in the wrong places."

"What do you mean? You said you weren't looking for anyone."

"Not to be with, but for… to find someone for the night. That's all I ever did. But I always picked up girls at bars. I knew where to find them when I needed it. It was never hard. But since I've been with you… everything I've done before now was a mistake. I didn't know it, but that's why I never found anyone." Sanji isn't quite following Zoro's explanation. He silently gives him a look that tells him that. "Sanji, I'm gay. And it took me finding you to realize it."

"You're gay?"

"What, being in a relationship with you wasn't enough to tip you off?"

"Well, I'm not. I just assumed you were the same, given you're colorful history with women that you're describing."

"That's just it, I wasn't into them. They were there for… they were a way for me to get off, to forget what was wrong with me when the alcohol wouldn't work. But you, you're different. The first time I saw you, I didn't know it at the time, but you were everything I wanted. And that day it finally clicked."

Sanji feels a slow smile creep across his face because now he understands what Zoro meant by 'its stupid'. "You are such a fucking sap!"

"Shut up!"

"It was love at first sight." His smile is so big it hurts and he drops his face to Zoro's chest and giggles into his shirt. Zoro quickly shoves him off and turns over to pout at Sanji's connection. "Aw, marimo, that's adorable."

"I'm not fucking adorable." Sanji can hear the pout in his voice.

Sanji moves closer to his moss and wraps an arm around him. "Well if it makes you feel any better, you're the only guy I've ever felt attracted to."

Zoro turns his head slightly. Slightly for him is more of a full head turn though so he can see with his remaining eye. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. No other guys do it for me, just you. I'm essentially straight with the exception of moss." Zoro elbows him for the moss comment. "You are seriously ten years old. Did you hit all the love interests in your life?"

"Did you not hear me when I said I've never felt anything for anyone or did you miss the part where I had no friends growing up?"

Sanji takes that statement in momentarily. "You still flirt like a ten year old boy on the playground."

"It's not my fault I never learned how to do it!"

"How did you ever pick up girls? I seriously hope you didn't go around the bars and shove around the first girl you thought would sleep with you."

"Of course not."

"I would pay to watch you fumble your way into getting a woman to sleep with you."

"You probably just paid to get women to sleep with you."

"I did not! I have more respect for them than that. You on the other hand…"

"I have way more respect for women than you. Doting on them hand and foot does not mean you respect them. That just means you think they deserve special treatment because they can't do shit for themselves."

"They deserve to be treated special because they are the fairer sex. You get no special treatment because you are a bumbling buffoon."

"Who says they want special treatment? Or me for that matter."

"You wouldn't understand."

Sanji expects a snarky remark from Zoro, but instead he lets out a heavy sigh and closes his eye while tensing his jaw. Zoro wants alcohol, but he said he wants to go without for now. Sanji knew his distraction would only last for so long, so he tries a new one. "Turn over."

He gives Sanji a skeptical look but obliges and rolls over to his stomach. Sanji starts on his shoulders and moves his hands further down his back in an attempt to massage the tension from his muscles. He can feel the stress built up as he kneads into Zoro's back. He works his shirt off and continues as Zoro lets out a low groan of appreciation. Sanji relishes in the expanse of skin that is exposed to him. The lengths of tan musculature that is not as common among people as they wish. Zoro really is an attractive man; even if he weren't the sole male that has his attention he could appreciate his body. He is built in a way that most men dream of. As Zoro melts into his touch, Sanji notices the lack of marks on his back, how all of his scars are on his front: the long scar that mars his torso, the obvious scar on his face. Then there are the smaller scars that don his hips and a few on his arms from hopeless nights, along with the various others that he was given no backstory of. Whether those are from when he was younger or from fights or struggles of his victims he'll probably never know. But what he does know is that Zoro's scars are concentrated on one side of him. He feels it says a lot about him, he never turns his back. Sanji feels that that statement is true in all aspects of Zoro's life. He never turns his back to a fight, to Sanji, to himself, or his friends. He may say he hates himself but he's never once completely given up no matter what he's been through and he's still working to improve himself. He's distanced himself from his friends, but only because he cares so deeply about them and he is doing whatever he can not to hurt them; even if he hurts them in the process it is a lot less than what he believes he could do to them. And to Sanji, he could have left him this morning. He could have said fuck it all and walked out the door. Sanji knows that was probably his plan once he realized where he was, but he didn't. He stayed. He stayed for one more day; one more day of pretending everything is ok for Sanji's sake, just because he asked. Sanji knows that no matter what comes after this, Zoro will always be there for him. He will come back no matter how long it takes for him to feel all right. He'll come back because he won't turn his back on his promise to Sanji.


	39. Chapter 39

**A/N: Finally a new chapter. Sorry for the wait. Balancing everything lately has been challenging. I've been super busy. A bit of a shorter chapter this time, and probably not my best, oh well. Enjoy!**

Zoro had no idea where he was even heading. He doesn't know what he's even trying to do by leaving; he just knows he has to. Maybe find some inner peace with himself by travelling alone. Probably not though, he really doubts that can happen.

He's been on the road for a few weeks now, stopping along the way when he's too tired to keep himself upright on his bike and the craving for alcohol is at its peak. Usually he ends up at a bar, drinks until he knows he can't drive any more and finds a nearby hotel of some kind only to repeat the process the next day. His aim is to find somewhere to stay, he knows he can't do this forever and he needs to find somewhere to root himself. But from what he's seen of the places he's stopped he hasn't found anything to his liking. And he's used to being a vagabond. It's comfortable having somewhere to call his, but he doesn't need it. But he should really find somewhere or else he may end up back where he started, as he is aware that he gets himself turned around. Often. Not that he would ever admit that to anyone.

He stops off at a larger city this time. His arms are tired and his butt is numb from driving for so long. He goes through his usual routine and drives around the city a bit until he finds a reasonable looking bar. Nothing fancy, nothing that looks expensive or promises a smattering of conversationalists. He hops off his bike and heads inside, sitting at the bar as far from the other patrons as possible. He's not trying to make friends.

That first sip of whiskey burns as he swallows, but he savors the feeling. He doesn't get to drink all day like he used to with his current lifestyle and it's not as easy as he thought it would be. Another reason to find somewhere to settle down, at least for a little while.

As the night wears on, he begins to think maybe he should just stop here. The city is big enough that he can go unnoticed by most people and this bar is likeable enough. He could make a habit of coming here, make it part of his healing process or whatever it is he's even doing out here. He would rather keep to himself, but he really does need to assimilate himself back into society. He's slipping back into his old ways. He wouldn't go so far as to make friends, but a casual 'hey how's it going' wouldn't be out of reach for him. And he really should get used to be being around people so the urges to slaughter everyone don't rear up every time he goes outside.

Maybe in the morning he'll look around and see if there's any real promise to calling this place a temporary home.

For right now he just wants to concentrate on taking in as much as he can drink before passing out.

As he's handed his next round, Zoro does all he can to focus his thoughts on anything but the cook. The blonde routinely passes through his mind; their last day together, the first time Sanji kissed him, their quiet nights in, even their fights all play over in his head on repeat. Thoughts of the cook paired with the mild alcohol withdrawal he feels during the day is enough to drive him insane. Which is why he finds himself at bars almost every night, drinking away the blonde hair and pale skin that he can't seem to distance himself from.

He misses the cook. He misses him a lot.

He misses those stupid eyebrows, and his stupid hair. He misses the way he can't stay out of the kitchen for more than a few hours, and how he smokes almost constantly. He misses the smell of tobacco and the mix of spices that linger on the cook. He misses the way they would fight all the time, not seriously, and how it would end up as something far more intimate. He misses how the cook would end up wearing one of Zoro's shirts because he liked how it was too big on him. He misses the feel of his skin on his own, the way his fingers would trail down Zoro's back and over his scars. He misses the way the cook would do anything to make sure Zoro was all right, and how he knew exactly what to do if he wasn't.

God, what was he thinking? Why did he leave him? What idiotic thought process led him to be without the cook?

He downs the remainder of his drink and motions for another.

He knows why he left. He left because he needs to sort himself out. He needs to get himself under control, and he can't do it back there, he can't do it while knowingly endangering Sanji and his friends. He needs to remove himself from his old life and make something new, something that can allow him to heal and rein in his subconscious toxic thoughts.

And above all, he left so that Sanji could be happy and live a normal life that didn't include dealing with Zoro and all of his problems.

He goes through this almost every night. He really needs a new routine. Maybe he will stop here instead of continuing his journey in the morning.

The bartender brings him his next glass and he nods in thanks. He is grateful that this bartender is not one of those chatty types. He glances around the bar at the other patrons, most are in groupings, a few loners like himself, all keeping more or less to themselves even if they get loud from time to time.

He quickly turns his attention back to his glass. He runs his fingers over the condensation and wills his mind to focus on where he is and what he's doing and not on the growing urge to head to his bike for his swords. He wills himself to not think about running every last person in the bar through with a meticulously sharpened blade that cuts through flesh like butter. He wills himself not to think about the delight he takes in watching the blood pulse out of open wounds as it pools onto the ground.

He wills himself to feel normal.

Like that will ever happen.

"Another?"

He glances up and sees the bartender standing in front of him and then looks back to his glass. When did he finish that? He grunts in affirmation and waits impatiently as his new drink is prepared.

Damn it he had been doing pretty well about keeping his mind out of that place. He supposes it is just something that will never go away. How could it? It stems from something that is so deeply ingrained into him that it is more Zoro than anything else.

Time to knock back a few more. That'll at least keep him occupied and slow his reactions down if anything does set him off.

-:-

Zoro grudgingly takes himself to a grocery store the next day. He has decided to make the decision and is staying in this city for as long as he needs to. He's stocking up on instant meals, anything simple that he can easily cook for himself. Nothing that will hold a candle to the meals he used to eat, but it isn't everyday you get yourself a chef, so instant noodles it is, along with a few necessary bottles of whiskey.

He finds himself in the hair care section staring at different hair dyes. He's never died his hair before, but since he's making a fresh start for himself and trying to better himself, and perhaps change, he thought maybe masking the bright green that he has always sported may be something to try. It would keep him from being noticed too much as well. He would do well to not be noticed. He's been staring at the different boxes and colors in utter confusion for a good ten minutes. How the hell do you choose a hair dye? What color is his hair even supposed to be? As he reaches for a box of a brownish color he hears a voice.

"Were you going for blonde?"

Are they talking to him? He glances to the side and sees a girl with bright pink hair fixated on the top of his head. "What?"

"Did you try to go blonde and ended up with that horrendous green? Blonde is something that should really be done by a professional, you know."

"That horrendous green is my natural hair color." He squints his eye at her. He gets a lot of shit for his hair, but damn.

"Oh." Her eyes widen and Zoro focuses back on the box he had chosen at random. "Why are you trying to dye over it? I would kill to have naturally pink!"

Zoro sighs and closes his eye in attempt to calm his temper. "No one has naturally pink hair."

"I could say the same for green." He looks to her out of the corner of his eye in attempt to convey how much he does not want to be talking to her right now. "Look, that color would make your hair the same color as your skin. You don't want to do that. Blonde would just look silly on you. Hm..." She puts a finger to her chin and scans the choices in front of them, chooses one and holds it to Zoro's face. "Black could work… maybe a dark brown… But you'll have to do your eyebrows too." She gets even closer to him and he backs up a step. "And your eyelashes, though I'm not sure how to do much about that without the help of mascara. Are you into makeup?"

He just gapes at her. What is happening right now?

"I'll take that as a no…" She puts the box in her hand back. "Why do you want to dye it anyways? As uncute of a color that is, it does suite you."

He opens his mouth to respond before thinking better of giving this weird girl a reason. He picks up the box she had replaced and looks it over. It'll do.

"You know what, I'm not letting you dye it. You should keep the green. It's growing on me." She snatches the box out of his hand and pushes him out of the aisle. He is so shocked at her brashness that he doesn't even put up a fight. "If you're going to keep the green, then you need some cuter clothes. It may be natural, but that doesn't mean you can't play it up. I'll help you, come on. Let's pay then head out."

"What-"

She pulls him over to the checkout and now apparently he is done shopping. She puts his things on checkout counter. "Oh, are you having a party? There's so much alcohol here."

Zoro has never been embarrassed about the amount he drinks, but in front of this girl, this weird ass pink haired overly done up girl, and the cashier who seems interested in their conversation as well as the other customers in line, he feels a little awkward admitting that those are all for him and that they'll last maybe a couple days. So he keeps silent as he had almost the entire encounter with this girl.

"I want to come! I can show off your cute new look."

Maybe if he doesn't say anything, she'll stop. He hopes she'll stop.

Zoro pays for the few meals he grabbed and the alcohol and tries to head for the door without her. But unfortunately she catches up to him with her bags.

"Where are you going? I thought we were shopping!"

"No, you said we were shopping, I said nothing of the sort. I'm going home."

"You can't just go home! Not while every outfit you own looks like that. And I'm sure it does. I can't be seen with someone as uncute as you look right now."

She is really trying his patience. If this goes on for too much longer, he might do something he really regrets. Though maybe he wouldn't regret it entirely.

"And who said you would be seen with me anywhere?" He pulls his phone out to look up the address of the hotel he's staying at. He had saved it somewhere on his phone. He found a note function on it and thought he'd put it to use.

The girl gives him a disappointed pout. "You have, well I wouldn't say cute, but interesting hair and every time I meet someone with weird hair like mine I have to be friends with them. And you are not going to be an exception. People like us are more fun to be around. Give me your phone."

She grabs the phone out of his hand and does something with it. "How do you do anything on this? It's so old!" She hands it back to him with a satisfied look and pulls out her own, very pink, phone that sends out a ding. "There, now we have each other's numbers. I'll take you shopping this weekend, ok? I'm Perona by the way, and you are?" She looks up from her phone, possibly from entering his contact information. If this is how she goes about making friends it's a wonder she has any. Maybe that's why she does it.

He sighs. She already has his phone number. "Zoro." He turns and heads to his bike places all of his purchases in his backpack and hops on.

He can hear her shrill voice over the roar of his motorcycle calling out a supposed farewell. Maybe he will stop somewhere else on his way back to get that hair dye. If he runs into her again it will be the death of him. Or her.


	40. Chapter 40

**A/N: Hello hello here is the new chapter. I am trying to get myself to write more often, so hopefully updates may come sooner.**

He feels his phone buzz in his pants and groans. He places down the glass he has been working on and reaches down to his pocket. He knows who this is going to be. Since he moved, Zoro doesn't really talk to anyone. He gets the rare message from one of his friends whom he no longer lives near or sees, but he hasn't made any new friends. And he doesn't really plan on doing so. Except for that pink haired girl. She has gotten it into her head that they are friends. He doesn't know how that happened, but now that she has his phone number she won't leave him alone. He really wishes that she would. And to top it all off, he keeps running into her, which only perpetuates her delusion that they're friends.

Reluctantly he opens the message.

" _So what bar am I going to find you at tonight?"_

He promptly closes his phone and places it back in his pocket. He is not letting her know where he is.

He picks his drink up again and throws it back, signaling for another immediately.

Zoro has been making his way around the seedy bars in town. He's been here for about a week now, but he still has yet to find anywhere to live. The hotel he found has been just fine and he is dreading the thought of starting that search. Especially since he has no job and that is usually a requirement when renting, and he particularly will need that because his bank account looks a little abysmal. He has the money though; he has plenty of cash. Maybe if he fronts a years worth they'll take him. He doesn't exactly want to find a job. Going through that shit again is going to be hell. The whole missing education bit is always a turn off for potential employers.

As he contemplates all of the worst parts that come with moving, he hears the door to the bar bang open. He turns his head a bit so that he can see the doorway and audibly groans. She found him. He doesn't know how she does it. He busies himself with his next round and pretends he didn't see her walk in. He knows she'll spot him anyways; he's kind of hard to miss. He really should have gone with that hair dye.

"Zoro! Why don't you ever answer me?"

"Perona."

She plops on the stool next to him. "And why are you always in the nasty bars? There's absolutely nothing cute about them."

Zoro rolls his eye. Everything is either cute or not cute to Perona and it drives Zoro insane.

"Believe it or not, I don't come here because it's cute. I come here to drink." And he comes here to force himself out into public, not that the only three other patrons make this much of a public space.

"Why can't we go somewhere else? Oh! I saw this really cute underground club that has all of this CUTE dead stuff, like all of the bartenders are zombies and vampires and they serve you with-"

Zoro closes his eye and finds a place inside him that is quiet. He hadn't been doing much meditation lately, but it seems every time he sees Perona he finds a reason to. And she can talk about her dead Goth shit to herself for hours if she wanted to. These sessions have actually been doing him some good with his aggression while in public. Whenever he comes out of it he's in a much better state of mind. He hates to think it, but Perona may actually have some kind of a good influence on him whether she is aware of it or not.

He is abruptly pulled back to reality by a sharp smack to his head.

"What the fuck was that for?" He reaches up and rubs the spot on his head that met with her hand.

"You're dozing off at the bar you idiot. How much have you had to drink?"

"Not nearly enough." He mumbles his answer quietly, but she could still apparently hear him and he receives another smack. "Why can't you get your other friends to go to where ever it is you want to go?"

An odd look passes over Perona's face, but Zoro isn't sure what it's supposed to mean. He's never been very good at reading people, especially those he isn't particularly close to. "You never want to do anything. You always just sit around getting drunk alone. Don't _you_ have any friends to do things with?"

"No." He shakes his head as he reaches for the last of his drink.

"Then there's no way you can deny my invitation to come out with me tonight. Pay for those and let's go."

"I can easily deny your-"

"I'll buy your drinks."

"You sure you want to promise me that?"

"You've probably been here all day, how much more are you going to drink?"

"There is no way I'm letting you do that." Zoro is well aware that he could easily drink her into an empty bank account, especially if the drinks aren't cheap.

"You, you of all people, are saying no to free alcohol? You practically live in the bars here."

"I'm not rude enough to take that offer. You've seen me drink, Perona, do you really think you can pay for all of that?"

"Fine. I'll buy your first few rounds then."

He glances at her out of the corner of his eye. He really doesn't want to go, and he doesn't need her to pay for his drinks, but there's something about her persistence that doesn't sit right with Zoro. Why does she keep coming back to him when he so clearly does not want anything to do with her? She is not going to leave him alone until he either agrees or goes home. And even if he goes home she might even keep messaging him.

He lets out a heavy sigh. "Alright." He fishes his wallet out of his pocket and pays his tab. He gets another sidelong look at her before getting up and notices a small grin on her face. It's probably the only genuine happiness he's ever seen cross her features. He has a long way to go if he ever wants to figure her out, but he has a feeling that they may understand each other better than he originally thought.

-:-

The bar or club or wherever it is he has let himself be taken to looks very unassuming from the outside. Zoro thinks that maybe this won't be so bad after all. They pass through the door and make their way down a dimly lit hallway that eventually opens up to Zoro's worst nightmare.

There are so many people in here.

Why did he agree to this?

That possibility hadn't even crossed his mind. Of course there would be more people here, why didn't he think of that? He curses under his breath and scans the club for the closest bar with the least amount of people.

"Isn't this place just so-"

"If you say it's cute I might rip one of those pigtails off your head."

Perona pouts at him and before he can get back outside, she pulls him over to the closest bar, which does not happen to be the one Zoro has scoped out as the least populated. He grits his teeth and shoves his hands into his pockets. He tries to ignore the bodies shoving into him and pushing him around.

The last time he was at a club he nearly killed three guys, broke his friend's nose, and got himself kicked out. Not to mention his boyfriend had to nearly choke him to get him to come back to reality. He isn't feeling anything too concerning currently, but he never knows what will set him off.

He hasn't had anything trigger him to the point of acting out lately, but if something were to happen here, he doesn't know if he'll be able to control it. And this time he has no Sanji to help him through it.

Perona shoves a drink into his face and drags him once again to a new area, another dimly lit and terribly grungy area. How is this place 'cuter' than the place he was just at? Perona is one of the oddest people he's ever met.

Zoro plants himself on one of the plush couches placed around and watches in disinterest as Perona seems to be enjoying herself and moving slightly in time to the over bearing music. Once her song ends Perona ends up next to him on the couch. He glances around and tries his hardest not to imagine ripping through one of the patrons, and he has to really hold himself back when he gets a good look at one of the undead servers. The fake blood covering most of his body is pretty realistic and brings gruesome and euphoric memories back up from where Zoro had safely tucked them away in his mind.

"You really are no fun, Zoro. This is exactly what you were doing in the last bar!"

"What made you think I would be doing anything different here?" He tries his hardest to keep a normal voice, but he can hear the strain in it himself. He rips his eyes away from the people around him and down to his cup.

"I don't know, but different environments have different effects on people. Usually when you're at a club you do not sit on a couch and look all grumpy. At least come pretend you're dancing with me!"

"I don't dance." And being in the middle of a mass of bodies does not seem like the safest place for Zoro to be. He may not have his swords, but he can still do a lot of damage unarmed. He brings the last of the whiskey to his mouth and crushes the plastic cup in his hand. He needs more, but he doesn't trust himself to walk to the bar right now.

"Ugh, why do I have the feeling I'm not going to get you to do anything without a few more drinks?"

"Because you're probably right." He forces a slight smile on his face to mask his discomfort. He probably just looks even more uncomfortable because she gives him a slightly concerned look in return.

"All right, you just stay here since you look like you're already a part of that couch. I'll grab some more drinks." She glances down at his hands, which have unconsciously grabbed onto the couch in a death grip. He wants to let go and pretend he's fine, but he probably needs the grounding if he did that without thinking about it. He just nods in agreement as she wanders off. Hopefully she won't take too long; he needs to dull his senses.

He stares at the floor for a few moments and then pulls out his phone. He flips it open and stares at the screen with his thumb hovering over the call button.

What if he called the cook? Hearing his voice might calm him down a bit. He hasn't been anywhere this crowded without the blonde in a long time, and it feels wrong. He just needs to hear his voice, that's all. Maybe his phone would be off and he could listen to his voice message recording. That wouldn't be so bad, right?

He quickly shuts his phone and stuffs it back into his pants. That would be a terrible idea. He's already having a hard time with the break up, and he's sure Sanji is too. Calling would only make it worse even if it were only to help calm him down. He left so Sanji wouldn't have to deal with this, and so he could get better on his own, not so he could call his ex whenever he felt helpless.

But he's not helpless, he's done this before, and he can do it again. And he has a fully stocked bar that he can keep going to, even if he has to wade through all of the people that are making him feel this way.

Right as he is contemplating getting a drink for himself instead of waiting for Perona, she appears at his side with more than one drink to place in front of him; she bought him an entire bottle.

"You looked a little anxious, so I thought I'd bring you this." She smiles apologetically. "I didn't realize you really don't like crowds, maybe this will help."

"I never said-"

"I can see it. You look around at all these people with apprehension. It looks like it almost pains you to be here. If this is really that hard for you, you should go after you finish. Or before, I guess you could probably take this with you."

He didn't realize he was so obvious. At least she doesn't know why it pains him to be here. Zoro gratefully opens the bottle and thinks maybe he can stay a bit longer. She did buy him an entire bottle after all. As she said earlier, he'd been drinking all day, how much more can he possibly drink?

He knows the answer to that: he can drink a lot more. But this bottle will definitely bring him to a comfortable place. Somewhere numb and unfeeling, which is exactly what he wants right now.

He tips the bottle against her cup and takes a swig. He looks at her with incredulity. This is some nice stuff. He glances at the bottle and realizes just how much money she dropped to make him feel a bit more comfortable.

He opens his mouth to protest but she beat him to it. "I don't want to hear it! I told you I could pay for your drinks, and that's what I'm doing. You're not going to make me go bankrupt if that's what you're worried about. Just drink."

Well he isn't going to argue with that.

About half a bottle later, he's feeling a bit more relaxed. As relaxed as Zoro can feel when he's in a very public and populated area. But the alcohol is doing its job. He catches a few glances from Perona that tell him she is still a little concerned about him, though she is not completely sure why she should be. She has good reason to send those concerned looks though; he's been a little on edge all night. She periodically disappears and reappears going off to who knows where, probably to gawk at something she deems to be cute enough to garner her attention. And Zoro periodically has to pull himself together and pretend there is absolutely no murderous intent behind the long gazes he sends to very bloody bartender in his field of vision. He can't help but wonder what she would look like if instead of the fake blood, the hot sticky mess of what could actually be running down her throat would look like, what it would feel like, and he knows in the dimness of the club no one would be able to get a good look at him. No one would ever suspect him. He shakes the thoughts from his head and keeps tipping the bottle back and letting the alcohol run down his throat to hopefully numb him completely. It seems like one of those nights that he needs to be utterly wasted.

This is possibly one of the worst places he could be, but he can't bring himself to get up and leave. For one, he has half a bottle to finish, and he has every intention of finishing it. He's not letting it go to waste after Perona spent a pretty penny on him. And he does not trust himself to walk through the growing crowd without incident.

He also can't bring himself to leave Perona. Their exchange earlier is still not sitting right with him. After blatantly telling her to find someone else to hang out with, she never quite responded with an answer that would lead Zoro to believe she has anyone else to bother. Or maybe she just really found something she likes in Zoro, though he can't imagine what. Her quiet excitement that he agreed to come to this awful place for her is keeping him strongly rooted to the couch he's claimed. As long as he stays right where he is, everything will be ok.

-:-

He wakes to a splitting headache, a pain in his side, and a stickiness that he knows all too well to be blood. He slowly opens his eye and an unfamiliar room is revealed to him. What the hell? Last he remembers he was still at that stupid club Perona talked him into, not wherever this is. Though maybe it's still the club, it has that weird Goth vibe going. On second thought there is far too much pink in here to be that stupid place.

So it's another equally stupid place.

Definitely not his hotel room, though.

He brings a hand to his face to rub at his eye, but pauses when he sees faint stains of dried blood on his knuckles. Shit.

Why can't he remember anything?

The door slowly creaks open and his eye immediately lands on it. Zoro stares as it takes what feels like minutes to open. He doesn't know what he's waiting for, but he was not expecting a lock of pink hair to fall into view.

"Perona?"

"You're awake?"

"Yeah I'm up, what-"

"Are you, ok?"

Zoro doesn't miss the way she hides herself behind the door and the uncertainty on her face. What did he do last night?

"Yeah, yeah I'm good. I'm just a little confused."

The door opens a fraction more and Perona squeezes herself in a little further. "You don't remember anything?" He shakes his head, a move he should have thought through. Immediately afterward his head begins to pound. "I didn't really expect you to."

He glances down at his hands again. "What happened?"

Seeing as he's not currently behind bars, either no one died, or he got out of there before anyone saw what he did. He's hoping it's the former.

"I'm not really sure. I left you for a bit, and when I came back you were in a fight. But you decided to fight a guy who had a knife. You have a pretty nasty gash on your side." He looks down to where he felt the pain earlier and sees the ridiculous patch job that is probably attributed to Perona. "You still beat that guy pretty badly though. You wouldn't tell me what happened. You just kept saying something about losing control and hating yourself, and how I should get away because you're homicidal or something. I don't know it was all really incoherent. You refused to stop drinking. You were too drunk to even tell me where you live so I just brought you back here."

"The guy is ok?"

"As far as I know." He nods gently in understanding. "You're not going to freak out again are you?"

"No."

She slips through the doorway and reveals a wet towel. She hands it over to him and he wipes off his hands and blood that escaped the mass of bandage attached to him somehow. When he finishes she takes the towel and wipes a few places on his face that were sticky with blood. She tosses the towel near the door and sits next to him on the bed. She stares at him for a few moments before speaking.

"You know, I've been thinking, and I think I finally figured out where I know you from."

"Where you know me from? You know me from that grocery store you ambushed me at."

"No, before that."

"Before that I didn't live here. There's no way you could have met me before then."

"I didn't always live here either. I met you about a year ago. Maybe a little more." He gives her a questioning look, urging her to explain further. "You looked really familiar, but I couldn't figure out why. You look different now with that scar on your face, but it's definitely you, I mean how many people are named Zoro and have green hair?"

"I still don't follow."

"You were as drunk of a mess then as you are now. Of course you don't remember…" He continues to stare at her in confusion. She hasn't explained anything yet. Over a year ago, that's about the time he and the cook got together. He remembers no weird pink haired girls entering his life at that time. "I met you at a bar. You took me home. Ring any bells?"

"Wait, are you saying I slept with you? That's not possible, I was in a relationship then."

"It must have been before that then. But I vividly remember you passing out on top of me, and your friends having to throw you off. It was probably one of the more embarrassing moments of my life."

Zoro's eye widens and his jaw slacks. He remembers his friends endlessly poking fun at him for that. "That was you? How was that-" Then he remembers the pink and he groans. Loudly. He quickly looks around for the shirt that he is no longer wearing and throws the blankets off of himself. "I should get out of here. I'm sure you have stuff to do."

He doesn't really want to hang around here after realizing who she is.

"You don't have to, I'm not doing anything today. I know you must feel like shit, you don't have to hurry out. You can sleep for a bit if you want, I can take you home later. But I mean if you really want to go now…" She sends him an apologetic look. "I shouldn't have told you that. It's not like I'm trying to do that again or anything, I just remembered who you were. I most definitely am not trying to do that again." She ends her explanation with a sour look.

He copies her look. "Right back at you."

She sighs and stands up. "I'll get your shirt so you can go; I washed it, you bled all over it." She leaves the room momentarily before reappearing with Zoro's shirt. She hands it over to him and before she turns to leave, Zoro sees that look again. The one he saw last night that convinced him to go out with her. That look that makes him feel like complete dirt for not complying with her.

The one that makes him feel like she doesn't have anyone else.

"You're sure it's ok if I take a nap?"

She turns back to him with slight shock on her features. "What? I thought- No I don't mind."

"Thanks."

He pulls the covers back over him and turns to his side before remembering he has a new wound and winces. He closes his eye and realizes just how tired he really is.


	41. Chapter 41

"You live in a hotel?!"

"Yeah."

"Zoro!"

"What's wrong with that? I haven't had a chance to-"

"You haven't had a chance? You sit in nasty bars all day you had plenty of time to find somewhere to live." Perona had asked where he lived so she could drop him off at home, but Zoro didn't expect her to get so upset about his current living arrangements. What's so bad about living in a hotel? He just got here a week ago. What else was he supposed to do? "I thought you lived with someone. Why are you in a hotel?"

"What? What made you think I lived with someone; I never said that."

"Yes you did. Last night, I asked where you lived and you told me with Sanji, but you couldn't tell me where that was. So I would obviously assume you lived in an actual house or something!"

Zoro still doesn't understand her concern for his room at a hotel. But wait a moment; she said he lives with who? "What did you just say?"

"You were too drunk to tell me where you lived last night so-"

"No, no, not that."

"I assumed you lived in an actual house with a roommate?"

"Yeah. That. And who did I say I lived with?"

"Sanji."

"I said that?"

"Yeah. Who is that anyways?"

Zoro closes his eye and berates himself for saying something stupid like that. He hasn't seen Sanji in nearly a month. And they never officially even lived together; the cook was just there all the time. Damn, he must have been even drunker than he thought. What was he thinking? He probably wasn't.

When he fails to respond Perona nudges him a bit. "Is that your old room mate or something?"

"Something like that." He doesn't want to talk about the blonde right now. He really hopes she won't keep asking about him.

Perona throws a confused glance in his direction but seemingly brushes off his non-answer. "Well, you don't live with this Sanji person, and you live in a hotel of all places. So you're a homeless idiot." Zoro sighs. He has literally gotten himself back to where he started. This time though, he at least has some kind of a roof over his head. This is stupid. He's being stupid. He's not doing himself any favors by living this way again. He's supposed to be fixing himself, not making things worse. Perona is right. He winces at that thought. He looks up to see her looking at him expectantly. Shit, she was talking to him.

"What?"

She throws her arms in the air with an exasperated noise. "You never listen to me. What is going on in that stupid green head of yours that is so much more interesting than me?"

He raises an eyebrow at her. "A lot of things."

She shoves him in the shoulder and moves off the couch they had been occupying together and into the kitchen area where she seems to be ignoring him, though she does glance back at him from time to time. He figures he has to make his own way home now. He pushes himself off the couch and over to where his boots were left to pull them on while he tries to remember what he had on him last night. As he does the laces, Perona appears next to him. "You know, I have a lot of room here. There's an extra room, the one you were in last night."

He makes an acknowledging noise. He was pretty sure that she had more than one bedroom here. She doesn't seem like someone to sleep on the couch.

"I don't know if you work or anything, you probably don't since you're always at those bars, but I'm pretty close to a lot of things and downtown."

Zoro gives her a weird look. "Great." He's not really sure why she's telling him this. She has nice place, she doesn't have to brag about it especially since she just reiterated the fact that he is practically homeless once again. He hasn't put much effort into it, ok he's put no effort at all into finding a place, but hearing about how great of a place she lives in while he is living in a dumpy hotel is not his ideal morning conversation.

"Oh my god, do I have to be that blunt with you?" She huffs and stares at him for a moment. "I'm offering you a place to stay, you idiot. I have the room if you need a place to stay until you find somewhere to live. You don't have to live at some grungy hotel. And I'm sure it is if I'm going off of the places you choose to hang out in."

"What?"

She sighs at him. "You can stay here if you want. I don't mind. I can clear some stuff out of the room and you can have it as long as you need."

"Seriously?"

She sighs again. She seems to do that a lot when she talks to him. "Yes, seriously. I wouldn't be offering if I wasn't being serious."

He's not sure if taking her offer would be a good idea or not, but as she said it would only be temporary. He would be eventually finding his own place. And he could save some cash by not paying for a hotel room. If he really does want to find somewhere to live, he could use the extra cash, especially since he doesn't have a job. And if he does want to get a job, she's in a pretty good area for that. He thinks about it for a moment as he finishes tying his boots up. It might not be so bad if it's only for a little. She's not someone he would go out of his way to see daily, but she's tolerable. And he would have his own room if he were to get too annoyed with her. He pushes himself back up and stares down at her.

"I guess I could do that." It's only temporary, right?

"So, that's a yes then?"

He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. He knows full well what he is doing, and he is going to live with Perona, at least for a bit. "That's a yes." He grimaces.

She drives him back to his hotel to grab his things and end his stay. She of course has to comment on how little he owns. He had obviously gotten rid of most things since he was travelling on his motorcycle. All he has is a backpack and his swords. He does his best to follow her back on his bike, but she somehow got away from him and she had to text him her address along with an exasperated message asking how he could have possibly gotten lost. He finds his way back to her place, or rather their place he supposes, after circling the city a few times. He swears this city wasn't this large. By the time he arrives, she had moved her things out of the spare room so he could claim it as his own. He empties his backpack's contents into a drawer, he couldn't help but think about how the cook would probably scold him for just tossing everything to the floor as he was about to, and safely stores his swords under the bed.

He lounges on his new bed and looks around at the room.

He is going to have to do something about all the pink.

-:-

Living with Zoro is, different to say the least. He keeps to himself mostly. Perona didn't really expect much more from him.

He drinks a lot, but she knew that before. Seeing him everyday though really brings to light just how much he drinks. And it's ridiculous. She's pretty sure he has a problem, but that's nothing for her to say anything about. Whenever he brings out a bottle, she just dismisses it as something he does. They're friends, she supposes, but not exactly close enough for her to tell him off about that.

She hasn't had many real friends in her life, and she doesn't want to ruin the new friendship that she's found in this odd man who is now her temporary roommate.

She probably really should have gotten to know him a bit better before inviting him into her home, but that's how finding a roommate usually works right? You put out an ad, and then you live with some stranger who helps to pay the rent. She's never actually done that before, she's never even had a roommate. She could have ended up with worse; she could have ended up living with a creep who she wakes up to standing over her while she's sleeping.

No, Zoro isn't anything like that. He's just, off. Something is off, but she can't figure out what. She's known something has been off about him since she met him. She's presumed he's probably depressed, chiefly given the amount of alcohol he intakes and his reclusiveness. He spends most of his days at those nasty bars he likes so much. At least that's what she assumes he does when he's not home. She's pretty certain he doesn't work.

She's completely just taken in a bum hasn't she? Well a bum with enough money to spend on ungodly amounts of alcohol. Maybe that's why he doesn't have anywhere to live; he spends all of him money on alcohol and he somehow managed to trick her into offering him a place to live for free.

She glances to the other side of her couch where the green haired man is lounging with his ever-present bottle of dark liquor and scowl. She squints at him.

"What?"

Perona turns back to the television, ignoring his question.

No, he's not bright enough to do that kind of trickery. He barely even figured out that she was offering until she explicitly said the words 'you can stay here'.

She relaxes knowing that she had just done a good deed for a friend and nothing more.

Perona is curious about him though. He hasn't said anything about why he moved. He doesn't talk about much and he especially doesn't talk about his old life. He doesn't talk about himself at all. He did mention he was in a relationship once… maybe it ended badly and he's trying to move on by moving? Or maybe he got blacklisted in the last city he lived in from any jobs for being a drunk. Or maybe… he's on the run from the cops and she's sheltering a fugitive.

She looks over at him again as he tips the bottle back.

"What?" He questions a bit more forcefully this time, obviously a little annoyed with her staring. "You're being weird tonight. Weirder than usual."

"You're not… hiding from anything are you?"

His eye widens momentarily before giving her a look that says she's insane. "What the hell gave you that idea?"

"Just checking."

Though would he really say if he was?

He stares at her for a moment longer before huffing a laugh and returning his attention back to the TV.

She really wants to learn more about him. She lives with him, she should know a little more about him. She did start hanging around him before she really knew him at all though but now that he's living here, she really thinks she should get him to open up a bit. It's going to be hard though, anytime she asks him anything personal he brushes it off, changes the topic, or walks away. And if she presses, he gets this look on his face that honestly is kind of frightening. So they never get anywhere.

Maybe if she actually tells him she wants to know more about him he'll say something. Perona is very aware of the fact that he doesn't quite understand subtly.

She wracks her brain for something to ask him. What would be something simple about Zoro that he would be willing to divulge? She'll start with little things, nothing too personal. Maybe a favorite color? What's his favorite food? He's just so damn secretive she wants to know something about him however trivial it may be.

"What's your favorite animal?"

"Huh?"

"What is your favorite animal?"

"Why?"

She sighs. "Do I need a reason?"

"It's just a random question."

"I know like nothing about you. Just… What's your favorite animal?" She doesn't even care what his answer is. She just wants him to speak to her about himself for once.

He hums in thought then smirks to himself. "Tigers."

"That suits you. What do you like about them?"

He raises an eyebrow at her but seems to think on the question. His smirk turns to slightly dopey smile, and then immediately falls to the uncute despondent look that spreads over his features every now and then that he always tries to hide. "Just do." He brings his bottle back up for another swallow and pushes himself off the couch to disappear into his room.

She watches as he makes his way to his door and clicks it shut. He'll most likely stay behind that door for the rest of the night now. She had just asked about his favorite animal. He baffles Perona to no end.

She'll get something out of him eventually.

Perona is awoken to what sounds like banging on the front door. She groans; Zoro probably locked himself out. She didn't even realize he had left. Blearily, she sits up and kicks her legs over the side of the bed while pushing some hair out of her face. More banging follows and she hears a distant mumbling of what sounds like Zoro's voice. She supposes she should go open it for the idiot before he wakes up the neighbors.

She peaks out through the peephole to see a green head leaned up against the door. She unlocks and slowly pulls the door open, unsure if he is supporting himself with it. He definitely was, he jerks back when he realizes he's falling forward. He blinks a bit and shoves past her. She can smell the alcohol on him as he moves into the apartment.

"How drunk are you?" She's seen him drunk before, but only this bad once. He stumbles into the living area and mumbles drunkenly that he doesn't know. Perona is honestly surprised he made it home given how directionally challenged he is and the level of drunk he had achieved tonight. She wonders to herself how long it took him to make it back here. Perona approaches Zoro to grab his arm and guide him to bed, but he pulls out of her grip and growls at her. "Zoro, I just want to get you to bed. Come on."

"'M fine." She sighs. He at least needs to make it to the couch. There's no reason for him to pass out on the floor since he managed to make it home and he woke her up. She can clearly help him over to something to lay on. She touches his arm again and he turns to her with a look that makes her back up a few steps. He looks angry, almost murderously so. She doesn't know what this is, but it's not something she wants to mess with. She's seen what he's capable of. A vision of the first night he stayed at her place flashes through her mind. The look of pure unbridled rage on his face as he hit another man. In attempt to seem nonchalant about the situation, Perona heads back to the front door to make sure it's locked again. When she turns back around, Zoro is just staring at her. She's not sure what he's thinking, but she doesn't like the look on his face. She doesn't think he would do anything to harm her; he doesn't seem like that kind of person. She does recall what he had mentioned the last time he was this drunk, about how he loses control sometimes. At least that's what she got out of his incoherent drunken ramblings. But she sees it now.

"Are you ok?" She slowly makes her way closer to her bedroom. He watches her every movement. Almost like an animal stalking it's prey. How silly of a moment to recall now, but she remembers how he said his favorite animal is a tiger and she can't help but notice some resemblances between the man and those animals. The taut muscles ready to move at a moment's notice, the intense focus from the eye that she's held under. She doesn't turn away from him. He closes his eye and clenches his jaw. He gives a short shake of his head. He opens his eye again and motions to her bedroom with his chin as his hands are stuffed into his pockets.

"I don't want to hurt you."

She nods back to him and slowly backs up into her room and closes the door. Then locks it just to be sure. She believes him; she believes he doesn't want to hurt her. He could easily have done just that at any moment. But it's the possibility that he could have that spreads unease throughout her body.

She can hear movement in the other room and some grunts that sound like frustration from Zoro. After a few moments, she can hear a door close and a lock latched followed by more, louder, frustrated noises that exceed the quieter grunts he made earlier.

What in the hell happened to him tonight?

She checks the lock again just to be sure, and then sits on her bed. She looks around for something to keep near her in case he does get into the room. She's not sure if she's going to be able to sleep right away. The look in his eye frightened her.

Maybe living with Zoro wasn't such a good idea.


	42. Chapter 42

**A/N: Hello hello. Yesterday was a sad day for the world as we said goodbye to David Bowie and it was horrible. He was one of my favorite artists.**

 **And today i said goodbye to my laptop charger, but I have managed to finish the newest chapter before my computer is out of battery. I will probably get a new one tomorrow. Thankfully China has a ridiculous amount of stores that sell apple products.**

 **Alright, so this chapter has lots of things going on all smooshed into one chapter, and I hope they all came together ok. Let me know!**

Tigers.

Goddamn tigers are what set him off last night.

Zoro runs a hand over his face as he wakes up and muzzily remembers the encounter he had with Perona the night before. The look on her face… She tried to conceal it, but Zoro could see plainly that she was more than a little freaked out. He had stupidly forgotten that living with another person would mean they would get to encounter the darker side to Zoro. A fleeting thought of packing up and finding somewhere else to live passes through his mind, but he has no where else to go which is why he is here in the first place. He's just going to have to keep himself in better check. Which is what he wants. Maybe this will be good practice.

His mind wanders back to the simple and innocent question Perona had asked him last night: what is your favorite animal? He never would have thought that could have the kind of consequence that it did last night but that simple question brought up a few memories. Namely the memories of the day when the cook brought Zoro to the zoo for the first time and how good he had felt that day. Tigers remind him of the stupid blonde now, which is in part why he likes them so much. The rest of that day came back just as quickly as the fond memories had, the part where he had completely lost it in public and then subsequently had his entire world thrown through a loop when he woke up remembering everything. That was more than enough to set things in motion.

He had spent the rest of the night looking at the bottom of a bottle until he passed out in bed.

He sighs and pushes himself up, throwing the covers off of himself and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He glances around and spies a nearly empty bottle of whiskey nearby and drains it of its contents. That little bit of alcohol helped quell the itch he could feel under his skin that is only mollified by a drink. He glances around his borrowed room and notices a few things he had displaced in his drunken stupor and frustration. Zoro slowly picks himself up off the bed to right the things that he knocked over.

He stops in front of his door; he is dreading the unavoidable encounter with Perona that is beyond it. He definitely owes her some kind of explanation for his behavior but he doesn't have a good excuse lined up. He's not used to other people seeing him like that, only the cook. He hangs his head in resignation and catches a whiff of himself. He could probably use a shower first. He can hear the blonde's biting remarks about how much he stinks and his griping about his terrible bathing habits. Zoro feels a sad smile creep onto his face. He really needs to stop thinking about the damn cook.

He peeks out his door for any sign of Perona, then quickly makes his way to the bathroom. He needs the extra time to think of something to say to her. Apologetic phrases aren't a big part of his vocabulary.

He locks the door and turns to the mirror out of habit. No matter how many times he looks at himself, he still sees the demonic glint in his eyes staring back at him. He has to resist the urge to break the mirror, as it is not his. Zoro notices the tired look he has about himself that never really seems to go away anymore. His ever-present scowl seems a bit more pronounced these days. He doesn't even look normal anymore.

He rips his shirt off over his head and throws it at his reflection. He should really just stop looking in mirrors all together. He's gotten passed the green hair, but it has bothered him more lately as he remembers it now as the reason for past beatings.

He shakes his head and removes his pants after turning the shower on and waits the few moments for the water to heat up. He closes his eye and breathes in an attempt to disperse the toxic thoughts that filter through his poorly constructed mental barriers.

Once the water is warm enough he enters the shower and relishes the feel of the warmth across his skin. He quickly washes himself and makes a mental note to buy his own soap so he doesn't have to smell like flowers anymore. Everything Perona buys is pink and subsequently smells exactly how Zoro assumes pink would smell which is not something he wants to have clinging on him all day.

He rinses himself off, sluicing off the soap and water combination that has covered his skin. His hands make it down between his legs with the intention of washing, but his mind has other plans. Immediately he recalls a memory of the cook. The damn cook won't get out of his head. He can already feel himself getting hard, so he decides to just roll with it. He hasn't touched himself in a while, and well, the cook is the only relevant material he has stored away.

He can feel the ghost of Sanji's hands moving on his slick skin, down his torso and coming together to meet between Zoro's thighs. His hands mirror the memory of Sanji's. As he moves a hand on himself, he places the other on the shower wall to steady himself. This memory of his and the cook's romp in the shower is coming back all too clearly. It was one of the few times Sanji decided to top without a reason for reward or anything for Zoro.

Zoro's hand continues pumping as he takes the other hand off the wall and instead leans against the wall with his shoulder for support. He places a foot on the lip of the tub and inches his hand behind him. He's never really done this to himself before. He has to contort his back a little, but he manages to reach his hole and rubs a finger against it as his fantasy Sanji does the same. He relaxes at the thought of Sanji trailing kisses and bites down his neck while his hands continue to pleasure. His finger slips in just as the cook's does and his mouth falls open. It's a little awkward in this position, but it still feels good. His hands move faster and he manages another finger when the memory of Sanji lines up and pushes inside. He lets out a grunt and gropes inside himself for the familiar pleasure point. The warmth of the shower allows Zoro to believe that the fantasy Sanji is actually there with him, draped around him and pulling sounds from him that never appear unless he has Sanji inside of him. He leans heavily on the tiles of the shower wall as heat builds up. He adjusts his grip and strokes himself a few more times before releasing, curling in on himself and letting out a strangled grunt.

He breathes for a few moments before opening his eyes and removing his hands from himself. He frowns at the mess he made on the wall and washes it away with the water. He really needs some new material for next time the urge hits him.

He does feel a little better after a shower and relieving a bit of tension. He didn't realize how badly he needed to rub one out. He turns off the water and dries off, throwing a towel around himself as he heads back to his room to change. A flash of pink catches his eye as he opens the door and he is face to face with a wide-eyed Perona. She still looks a bit wary of him. Shit, that's right he was going to apologize or whatever to her. She narrows her eyes at him all of a sudden.

"Please don't tell me you were just jacking off in there."

Zoro's eye flies open. "What?"

"You took longer than normal, and I… heard things. You weren't, were you?" Zoro can feel himself turning a bit red. "Gross, you were! I use that shower too you know!"

Zoro doesn't care in the least about talking about what goes on in the bedroom, or the bathroom for that matter, but knowing that Perona of all people had heard him makes the matter a tad embarrassing. "Whatever, I'm sure you do it in there too." Deflection, always a good plan.

She raises an eyebrow at him. "I don't leave the evidence behind, and it's my shower."

Suddenly Zoro remembers that he is very naked except for the towel around his waist and inches closer to his door. "It's clean, quit whining. I'd like to put some clothes on if you don't mind."

"Please, do." She makes a disgusted face, but Zoro can't help but notice the way her eyes track down his naked torso. He rolls his eye. He's quite aware that she thinks he's attractive, they slept together after all, but he still finds it weird.

He shoves her away slightly. "Eugh, quit looking at me like that." He steps into his room but hesitates before closing the door. He turns back to her as he remembers the reason for leaving his room in the first place. "Hey, last night-"

"Look, I would love an apology for your creepy uncute behavior, but put some damn clothes on first, Zoro."

He groans as he closes the door.

Well at least she doesn't seem to be too freaked out by him. She seems more concerned about the state of her shower and not Zoro's state of mind. Maybe she just doesn't want anything to be awkward since he lives here now. But then why bring up the whole touching himself in the shower thing if she doesn't want anything to be awkward? Zoro sighs as he pulls on some pants and sifts through his clothes on the floor for a shirt; he doesn't understand her in the least. He still owes her some kind of explanation regardless. Especially if this keeps happening, which he is pretty damn sure it will.

He heads back out to the shared living area where he finds Perona with a cup of coffee stretched out in his direction. She gives him a weak smile as he grabs it from her. "Thanks. What's this for?"

"I assume you're exhausted from the amount you drank last night, thought it might help."

He grunts and takes a sip. He looks down at the cup and sniffs it before glancing at Perona. "Did you spike this?"

"I know how much you love your alcohol…"

He raises an eyebrow at her. "You're still willing to give me more after last night?" Zoro knows that what happened last night was not due to alcohol; in fact it was probably one of the few things holding him back from hurting her. But she doesn't know that.

Perona sighs. "Well, I'm pretty sure by now that you can't function without the stuff, so I figured why not." She looks away as if uncomfortable revealing the connection she made, but glances back up at Zoro.

He takes another sip of the coffee and salutes her with the cup. "I appreciate it. You've, uh, assumed correctly." He stares at her, a little confused. This is the first time someone in his recent life has not nagged him about his alcohol consumption, but actually offered him some in an understanding that he needs it. Well, the cook had offered the last day they were together but Zoro is pretty sure that was because it was their last day together.

"So… does that happen often?"

Zoro was lost in thought when her question reached him. "Hm?"

"The creepy demon vibes you gave off last night. Does that happen a lot?"

He sighs. How does he explain what the fuck that was without giving away too much? He doesn't exactly want to go over the whole 'I'm crazy and want to murder everyone I see' spiel as it is never received well, even when Sanji explains it. And he doesn't want to go into another episode from thinking too hard about it. "Sometimes."

"Do you have anger issues or something?"

"Something like that." Perona looks at him with an expression that tells him she would like a bit more of an explanation.

"You are horrible at communication, you know that? This was the second time I've seen you like that in like a week. The first time you actually beat someone up and this time you looked like you were about to strangle me. I think you owe me a bit more of an explanation than 'something like that'."

She's definitely right about that. He drops his head, closes his eye, scrunches up his face and takes a deep breath. All right, how can he explain it simply? He opens his eye and glances up at her from under his brow. "I've got a few mental issues. Anger being one of them, along with what you encountered last night." He focuses on breathing. His vague explanation seems to be working in his favor, talking about it without actually talking about it.

"And depression?" Perona's voice sounds small, as if she is reluctant to ask.

He nods his head while mumbling, "That comes with the PTSD." He quickly shuts his mouth and straightens up while looking at Perona for a reaction. He hadn't meant to say that out loud. He hadn't said it out loud, ever. The only time he's heard it is from Robin who diagnosed him with it. Sanji had just assumed, he's sure, after hearing about his past. Zoro really hopes that Perona doesn't ask about it.

Instead she just looks to him with a sad smile and looks away to fidget with her nails. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"It's ok. I need to get used to talking about it." That thought surprised him. He has spent so much time resisting any reason to talk on the subject. A small voice in the back of his head that he's been hearing since his fight with the cook repeats that he's a coward for running from everything. Maybe that's why he said it. Maybe he should stop running away from it.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Zoro's gaze immediately snaps back to Perona after wandering in thought. He shakes his head. "No. Not now." He's not quite ready for that yet.

Perona lets out a nervous laugh. "Suddenly I understand why you drink so much." She grabs his empty coffee mug and moves to the kitchen. "I think I get what happened last night." He can hear her fill the cup and the sound of her footsteps as she makes her way back to the living area. She hands him the freshly filled cup and sits down on the couch. Zoro cautiously follows her. He is really hoping this isn't going to lead to some heart to heart conversation. He takes a large sip of his spiked coffee, and revels in the slight burn of the alcohol. "Everything just gets to be too much sometimes, and you struggle with how to deal with it all, so whatever that was last night comes out." He looks at her with incredulity. How the hell did she put that so simply without even understanding what is happening to him? Glancing back at Zoro, Perona seems to sense his thoughts. "You don't seem like the kind of guy who expresses himself a whole lot, believe me I've noticed that. So when something like PTSD catches up with you when you're not expecting it, it's got to be hard for you to deal with emotions and stuff that come with it. It'd be hard for anyone, and lashing out is normal. Though when you deal with it, you get a little terrifying." He just continues to stare at her. He remembers his cup and takes a sip in attempt to not look quite so in awe of her perceptiveness. It's not something he was expecting from her. It's like she can see straight into him and pick up on all the terrible feelings he tries to ignore. "Look, you're messed up, I get it. I'm not one to judge you for that; I have my own issues too. I know it's hard to talk about. But, if you think you're going to have a little freaky episode again, let me know, if you can, so I can at least mentally prepare myself. You are seriously scary when you're like that."

He huffs a weak laugh at her. "I think it'd probably be better if I just stopped doing that all together."

"Probably, but I don't think that's realistic. Hey, if you do ever want to talk about it, I can listen." She shoves him softly in the shoulder in a lighthearted manner. "You know, I really thought you were being moody from a break up or something."

He sighs and closes his eye. God damn pink haired girl doesn't even have to try to make him feel like shit, she just does it by having a simple conversation.

"Oh… I guess that wasn't as far off as I thought. Sorry."

Zoro grimaces. "Just a little pay back for me scaring the shit out of you last night. Don't worry about it." He shakes his head to rid himself of his dampened mood. "I am sorry about last night, though. You shouldn't have had to deal with that."

"I agree. Can you imagine what would happen if you actually did something? I couldn't even get you off of me when you were passed out."

Zoro groans. "Thank you for reminding me how badly last night could have gone."

"All the more reason for you to keep me informed on your mental stability." She shoots him a smile and hops off the couch, leaving him confused about whether or not she is sincere about wanting to know the levels of instability he experiences or if that's her idea of a weird joke to break the tension.

-:-

A few weeks and quite a few arguments later, Perona is seriously getting tired of Zoro's perpetual bad mood. It's like he doesn't even try to improve it, he just wallows in his self-pity with no idea how to pull himself out of it.

She knows it will only bring another argument up, and probably some yelling and terrifying glances from Zoro, but she needs to do something about this. She can't live like this. He's putting a damper on her mood, and not many people can do that. Not to mention the distress she experiences when he gets into his mood swings of horror.

She gets that he's depressed and has whatever other unfortunate mental problems but he doesn't need to push his issues onto her. He either needs to get himself in check, or find a freaking friend, or a therapist because she is damn well done being that. Not that he even ever talks to her about anything, but she feels like she is being the man's dumping ground for unwanted emotional stress. And she's frankly sick of it.

Perona wanders around the apartment looking for her green-headed loser roommate, whom she finds unsurprisingly with a bottle of whiskey in hand and staring into the void. Great, so he's drunk and in one of those horrible moods. Not only does she have to watch out for him being grumpy, but also now she has to keep an eye out for any physical advances he may make. She internally groans.

Why did she pick such a loser roommate? He's not even that cute.

"Zoro." She approaches his from behind the couch, keeping a physical barrier between them just in case. He grunts in response. She rolls her eyes. "Let up on the alcohol a bit for today. You seriously don't need that much."

Slowly he turns towards her. If looks could kill, he'd have done so twelve times over with that look. She fights the shiver that she feels in reaction and stands her ground. "You've never had an issue with this before. Why's it matter now?"

She can tell he's trying to keep his cool. His grip on the bottle tightened and she can see the strain in his hand. She wonders what happened to put him in this funk today. She feels badly for him, no one should have to deal with so much shit. She doesn't even know exactly what shit it is that he's dealing with, but from the way he reacts to it, it doesn't seem like his life has been a walk in the park. "It matters because you've been a complete asshole lately, and it's been in direct correlation with the amount of alcohol you intake." He looks a bit confused at her explanation. She forgets that he's not the brightest sometimes. "The more you drink, the more of a dick you are."

He understood that. His brows lowered, if that is even possible, and his mouth twists into a silent snarl. He stands up and she takes a step back but is sure not to break the eye contact. She feels like she has moved in with a wild animal and treats him much the same way; express dominance in the situation and he more or less will back down, depending on where is on the angry scale. "You think I want to fucking be like this?"

"Well, you don't seem too keen on making an effort to not be like this." Perona knows she is probably being stupid by proverbially poking the angry bear with a stick, but it's too late now. He looks enraged momentarily, then vaguely introspective as he drops his head slightly. She suspects he's probably had this conversation before. "Look, I know mental issues aren't easy, but you're not doing yourself any favors, Zoro. I don't know what exactly is going on with you, but I can tell you that sitting around all day drinking is not going to solve anything. You're making yourself worse, and I have a feeling you've just let yourself progress this far without much attempt to deal with it. Get yourself together and stop running away from yourself."

He looks like she just slapped him across the face. She kind of did verbally. He pulls himself back and straightens up in a more threatening stance. "It's not my fucking fault I'm like this, stop making it out to be."

"You could have fooled me. Doing nothing for yourself is almost just as bad for you as whatever put you in this place to begin with. You're at fault just as much as anything else."

"It's not my fault!" He sounds on the edge of control. He looks like any more poking might just push him over that edge. He's already been in a bad mood and she's just increased it. She knows that pushing him this far will probably back fire and she is going to have to make a run for it, but she needs him to see that he can do something about this. She wants him to realize that none of this is his fault. It's not, but she is going to make him realize that himself and find a way to get out of this stupid hole he's put himself into.

She readies herself to make it to her room as she watches his reaction. He has a range of emotions running across his face: rage, anger, hurt, sadness, and finally something that looks like realization. His face softens a bit and she can hear him whisper out a sentence a few times. "It's not my fault."

He looks genuinely lost as he brings his hands up to cradle his head. He looks a little unsteady, from the alcohol or the emotional rollercoaster he seems to be riding Perona is unsure. But she hurries around the couch and grabs onto him to usher him back down to sit on the couch. He sits silently with his head in his hands. He looks a bit like he's in shock. She's pretty sure he just had some kind of break through or something. Perona has never been clear on the details, but she can tell now that whatever happened to make him this way, he was definitely blaming himself up until this point. She quietly rubs his back in a soothing gesture until he flinches away.

She figures he could use some alone time and heads to her room. She hears the front door close a few minutes later; Zoro probably left to go to a bar or something. She's not all too thrilled about that, but he could probably use it after whatever just happened.

She settles down with some dinner in front of the television while enjoying some Zoro-free time. She can't help but wonder what the stupid green-headed man does when he's not at home. And how he even manages to make his way around town since he got lost in the apartment the first day he was there trying to find the bathroom. Not to mention his constant inebriated state; there's not way that helps his internal compass. Speaking of his inebriated state, how does he get around town? She knows he has a motorcycle, but how could he possibly allow himself to ride it if he's constantly drinking. Wouldn't that be difficult? Not to mention highly unsafe. Whenever he gets back home, she will have to make sure he doesn't drive that thing while drunk.

Ugh, even when he's not here he is still bothering her. She can't catch a break from the moody smelly roommate of hers.

She flips through the channels out of boredom. She needs to find something even mildly entertaining to get her mind off of Zoro and his bad mood that's been rubbing off on her.

Her peaceful night was interrupted by a breaking news bulletin about a road closure due to an accident. Her heart stops when they show the wreckage; she knows that ugly green bike.


	43. Chapter 43

**A/N: I apologize for taking a while to update! I ended up having to get a new computer. I actually had like half of this written before my old computer broke. But, a lot happens this chapter, and I hope it came out alright. I knew what I wanted to happen, but I was struggling with how I wanted to write it. Also, this chapter is longer than most, so that should make up for my short absence and leaving you on a cliffhanger.**

Everything hurts.

He tries to open his eye but there are too many bright lights. There are too many loud noises, too. They make his head hurt even more. He can feel someone trying to move him, and then their hands leave him briefly before tugging at his shirt collar to feel his throat.

He wishes they'd stop touching him. It hurts.

Why does everything hurt so much? He can't remember what happened.

He's being moved again, this time it feels like there's something underneath him and he's being strapped to it. He tries to pull against the restraints but he can't really move anything.

His eye is forced open and everything is too bright. He wants to tell them but he can't find the words. He can hear them speaking to him but he doesn't know what they're saying. It hurts too much to focus on the words. He realizes he's wearing his helmet as the bright lights are flashed into his eyes. Damn it, they left his injured eye open. He wants them to close it, but all he can do is groan.

Everything hurts. He can feel darkness creeping in on the edges of what little vision he has in his left eye and he welcomes it. It'll make the pain stop.

-:-

He wakes up groggily. His head feels like it's been stuffed with cotton. He slowly opens his eye and notices he is in a white room. He glances down at himself and notes that he's also in a bed with plain white sheets and he can hear whirring of machinery and a steady beeping.

He groans. He's in a hospital bed.

He digs through his mind to try to remember why he is where he is. He has no recollection, he remembers leaving his and Perona's place but then that's it. Where was he going? He doesn't think he had anywhere in particular in mind, but he does remember wanting to get out of the house. They had a conversation about something important… Ah. That was it; he had a revelation about himself, about everything. Somehow yelling with Perona about his shitty behavior led him to realize that what happened when he was a kid wasn't his fault. He had blamed himself ever since that fateful night came crashing back into his memory. If it weren't for him none of that would have happened.

But that's not true, is it? He didn't force his father to act the way he did. Zoro was just a part of an unfortunate series of events. A series of events that catastrophically altered his mental state and molded him into the person he is now. However shitty of a human he sees himself, he is able to recognize now that he was not at fault for what happened.

He is at fault for letting himself progress to this state of unhealthy behavior, though. Perona was right about that, no matter how angry hearing that made him. He needed to hear it.

After establishing why he left the house, he can now guess what happened. He was drunk before he left, he doesn't know if he had continued drinking after he left the house or not, but he was definitely in an emotionally stressed state. And that combination while perched precariously on a motorcycle doesn't sound like it led to a happy ending.

He winces at the thought of his ruined bike. He brings a hand up to rub it over his face and feels a tug on the inside of his arm. That's why he feels so groggy; he's being pumped with painkillers and who knows what else.

Zoro hears the door to the small room he's in creak slightly and light filters in from behind it as it is opened. His eye snaps to it and he tenses, his guard coming up at being in an unfamiliar setting.

A nurse enters the room, her face showing slight shock at his consciousness. "You're awake." He grunts softly in return. She moves further into the room and approaches his bedside to check him over. He doesn't appreciate the touching, but he figures it must be done. She asks him a few questions about how he feels and if he is in any pain to which he replies that he is fine. She puts something into his IV anyways and he feels an almost instant effect of grogginess and forced relaxation of muscles. She leaves him to his own thoughts soon after.

He tries once again to recall what happened. Why he ended up in the hospital. He can't remember a thing though. There is an entire chunk of his memory that has been taken from him.

Zoro closes his eye and feels the effects of the drugs circulating through his body and debates whether or not to let himself succumb to them when he hears the door open again.

He ignores the sound of the door and footsteps assuming they belong to another nurse until he hears the voice they accompany. "Zoro, you idiot, what were you thinking last night?"

He winces at the loudness of her voice. "Damn it, Perona, be quiet. My head is killing me."

"It should be, the doctor said you gave yourself a pretty good concussion." She continues to berate him, but her voice takes on a much softer tone. "She also said you had a pretty high alcohol content in you. Which stupidly enough was probably the reason you came out of that with hardly any injuries except for your head." She pulls a chair up next to him and settles herself. "I really don't think you can afford to do much more damage to your head at this point." He gives her a look that silently passes on his thought of 'fuck you'. She smiles back at him then sighs. "You need to be more careful. I know you were upset last night, but that doesn't mean you have to go gallivanting off wasted every time something gets to you."

Zoro looks down at the sheets covering him. "I know. I just… Sometimes that's the only way I know how to deal with it."

Perona places a hand on his arm. "We'll figure out something better."

Zoro really fucking hopes they do. He knows he's being self destructive, and after this, he knows he needs to do something about it. He had been told this for a long time, especially by Sanji, but it took until nearly killing himself for it to sink in.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like I got hit by a truck." The pain medication isn't making him feel much better, if anything it's weighing him down and making moving difficult which only adds to the all around shit feeling.

"From what I hear, you nearly did. You shut down an entire road. You were all over the news."

"Shit." He looks to her from the corner of his eye. "I almost hate to ask, but how's my bike?"

Perona bites at her lip and Zoro does not like the remorseful look on her face. "You might be able to fix it…"

He grunts in response and sags heavily into the pillow behind him. "Might not even be worth fixing." At least he's not paying for rent right now. Although now he has hospital bills. Damn it, he should probably get a job soon.

She stays for a bit longer then heads off to find Zoro some water. He tries to get her to smuggle him some alcohol but she adamantly refused citing his recent accident as her main reason, and the fact that he is being pumped with drugs that will probably react badly with it.

Perona is gone for a while, she probably got distracted by something gruesome, and he is visited by a nurse in the meantime. Zoro asks if they can let up a little on the pain killers since his head feels so out of it, and not in a good way. She smiles and says it's probably due to the concussion, but she will ask the doctor if she thinks it is wise to do so. He was never one to get into drugs, though if those had come along before the alcohol, well, he doesn't doubt he would be a hardcore junkie at this point. He is thankful that his isolation at least had kept him from that.

Once the nurse leaves, he is left to his own thoughts and he is once again pulled into the train of thought of his self destructive behavior. He's always more or less been a little self destructive; he's been a heavy drinker for years, never to the excess of where he's at now though, and he's always been a bit down on himself. Not to mention what else he's done in the past year. He's been horrible. He really has been making this all worse, hasn't he?

He can hear the cook's snarky voice saying 'told you so'. He shakes his head softly to remove that thought. He's already feeling shitty, there is no need to bring the cook into this right now. He doesn't need to remind himself of the other life he had fucked up while he was headed in a downward spiral.

He thinks he's finally hit the bottom.

There's a soft knock on the door, but Zoro ignores it assuming it is going to be another nurse, or perhaps Perona though she would probably just barge right in. He focuses on the door as it slowly eases open. He can see a tan hand on the door handle followed by a tanned arm. Zoro slowly tracks his eye up the unfamiliar body parts to the person's face and his blood runs cold.

He was wrong, he hasn't quite hit bottom, but he can tell he is going to very very soon. Right now it feels like he's freefalling down to it.

The man's smile looks different from Zoro's, but he has the same harsh features.

Zoro's throat feels dry. He can hear the melodic beeping become more frantic and he realizes his heart rate has just drastically increased.

"Hey son."

Zoro clenches his jaw and spits his words out. "Don't you dare call me that."

His father sighs and looks to the chair that is near Zoro's bed. Zoro keeps his eye on him hard to convey just how much he does not want him to sit there.

"I've been looking for you for a while." He advances closer, but opts for standing instead of taking the seat. "I never knew what happened to you. I saw you a few times, but never had the chance to approach you, and then all of a sudden I see my kid on the news for closing an entire street down from a motorcycle accident. I couldn't miss the chance to say hi." Zoro has no words for his father. He just fists the sheets below him in attempt to keep from making a scene in the hospital. "You never were good at talking, I see you haven't grown out of that. And I see you haven't grown out of that unbearable green hair either." He shakes his head while looking like far too much of a disappointed father for Zoro's tastes.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"I told you, just wanted to see you. You're my kid after all."

"Oh, now you'll acknowledge me as your kid."

"It's kind of hard not to when you look just like me."

Zoro can feel his hands receiving a fabric burn from the intensity of his grip on the sheets, but he only holds tighter. As much as he just wants to rip through this man's throat, he also wants to know why the fuck he's here or what he's been doing for the past 20 years. There's no way he's just been walking around free after what he did.

After the longest five seconds of staring of Zoro's life, he finally finds his voice again. "What are you doing here and not, I don't know, in prison or dead?"

"That's no way to talk to your father, Zoro."

"You're not my fucking father."

The man smiles back down at Zoro. "So I see we're on the same page now." He stuffs his hands in his pockets and takes a breath. "Well, I was taken into a psychiatric ward, but they let me out last year for good behavior. When I got out, I figured I had no idea what happened to you, and I was curious. So here I am."

Zoro feels immediate abhorrence for whoever allowed his father to go free.

"You hate me; why would you want to see me."

"As I said, curiosity got the better of me. And I always wondered if this was still green." He reaches a hand out to Zoro's hair. Zoro immediately reacts and makes an attempt to grab his arm, but the drugs he's being filled with are making him slow. His father grabbed him first. He pulls on his arm, but no matter how muscular he's become, he just can't do anything while he's being weighed down pharmaceutically. His father's other hand comes up just as he remembers it. He hates to admit it, but he flinches. "It would be a shame to have something hit your head right now, I heard you have quite the concussion."

Zoro is not well versed medically, but he does know head trauma while suffering from a concussion is not a good combination. He pulls on his arm harder, he feels helpless until he realizes he is probably a lot larger than his father now. To hell with it, he's already in the hospital. He's going to use all he has and fight back. He sits up on the bed using the grip his father has on his arm to pull himself up and reaches his other arm back; he can feel the tubes attached to his arm pulling at his skin. He feels a rage like he's never had before rise up in him. Zoro takes a shot at the other man's gut as his hand is brought down and connects with Zoro's face. His ears begin ringing and his vision swims, but he lands another punch as his father attempts to pull him off the bed knowing full well how unsteady Zoro will be. They are throwing punches at each other now; Zoro's hits may be very sloppy, but at least they're connecting with something.

Zoro hears some shouting and more people are entering the room. He's being pulled back down to the bed, but he fights the hands holding him down.

"Mr. Roronoa, calm down, you need to rest."

"Someone get him out of here!"

"Stop moving, hold still."

He refuses to stop struggling as he watches his father be escorted out of the room. He can't just leave like that, Zoro is not finished with him.

"Mr. Roronoa, calm down or we are going to have to give you something to help you calm down."

Zoro is not really listening to them, he is too focused on chasing down the horrible man who was just in the room with him. All of a sudden he feels a cool substance in his arm; he looks down and sees a nurse injecting something into the IV attached to his arm and he quickly loses consciousness.

-:-

Perona had been wandering the hospital halls, poking around at everything that's going on, until she remembered why she was wandering in the first place. Water for Zoro. She quickly finds a nurse and is directed to where she can find a cup and a water fountain then makes her way back towards Zoro's room. She stops short of the room though when she hears a commotion and nurses and security guards enter the room.

What'd Zoro do now?

She can hear the familiar sound of Zoro's angered grunts and she decides to step closer to the door to inspect what is happening. As she approaches, two men are escorting another man, who looks eerily like an older Zoro with the exception of his hair, out and down the hall. She can hear them telling him that he is not to come back on hospital grounds, and especially not allowed in Zoro's room. She notes that he looks a bit disheveled and has a small cut on his face that is letting out a trail of blood.

Perona looks back down to the cup in her hand and uses that as an excuse to enter the room. She brought Zoro water and she might as well give it to him, and while she's in there she can figure out who that was and what the hell happened.

When she gets back into the patient room, Zoro is being held down by a few nurses, one seems to be injecting something into his arm, and he goes limp. For a moment she wonders if she could get her hands on whatever they just gave him for when he's being unreasonable at home. She cautiously moves closer to the bed as the nurses are backing away from the man in the bed and places the cup in her hand on a small table.

She looks around at the flustered nurses. "What happened? Who was just in here?"

A nurse looks to her and sighs. "A man came by; said he was his father. I don't doubt it going by how similar they look. But I don't think Mr. Roronoa took him being here very well. Seems they got into a fight. This guy here didn't like us trying to calm him down, so we had to knock him out to keep him on the bed." He motions to Zoro who is now unconscious on the bed.

"Is he ok?"

"Yeah, he'll be alright. It's not an ideal situation having to put him out with that concussion, but its better than him hurting himself more. He should be coming back around soon."

She nods and the nurses head out of the room, but not before telling her to press the call nurse button if anything else happens or if Zoro needs anything. They informed her that they want to watch him for a bit longer and then he is free to go. Perona is almost certain that Zoro can't wait to get out of here, even if he is currently unconscious.

As she sits next to Zoro, she can't help but wonder what kind of relationship he and his father have, if that was his father. But as the nurse said, it had to be since they looked so much alike. Zoro had never mentioned anything about family, she never thought anything of it since she doesn't talk about hers either. But now she can kind of see why he wouldn't want to talk about it if this is the kind of thing that happens between them. She's a little surprised Zoro even lives here now if this is where his father is. She wants to ask about it, but she knows that is a doomed conversation.

Zoro wakes up again after a short amount of time, as the nurse had promised, but he doesn't seem to have much to say other than grunting a bit at Perona. She steers clear of the topic of the fight that broke out and instead informs him that he will be allowed to go home soon. She gets more of a pleased grunt when she mentions that. She does notice he seems a lot more tense, more than she has ever seen him. She attributes it to the encounter and decides that it is probably best to never mention it.

A few hours later, which happen to be some of the most boring for Perona since Zoro was practically silent and brooding, she is able to take home her burly room mate. Though his weird behavior doesn't stop when they reach home.

When they get through the front door, he sends a look her way that almost dares her to confront him, but she knows better than that. She brushes it off and goes to the kitchen to appear as if she doesn't care one bit about what happened. He stalks off to his room and as she passes by the slightly opened door, she can see that he has flopped on the bed and is fisting the pillows hard enough to worry her that he may rip them.

She figures she should steer clear of him for a while.

But that only lasts so long when she realizes she hasn't seen him eat anything since he's been at the hospital. And that was almost two days ago. She makes him a sandwich and cautiously pushes open his bedroom door. "Zoro?" When he doesn't seem to disapprove of her entrance, she moves further into the room. "I brought you something to eat."

She takes in the man on the bed. He looks haggard, but his face still bears the nearly uncontrolled rage that remembers it had when they arrived home from the hospital. He's laying on his side, his hands fisted into tight balls around sheets. She sees that he did end up ripping a pillow, she quietly mourns for it as her eye passes over it, and to her surprise she sees a sword sticking out of the dresser. Her eyes widen at the sight. Where did that come from?

When she realizes that Zoro has not responded to anything she had said, she places the plate down on the bedside table and places a hand on his shoulder. "Zo-"

Immediately after her hand touched him, his own hand flew from the bed and grabbed her arm. His grip becomes alarmingly tight and she tries to pull away from him. She tries not to make eye contact with him as his eye is uncomfortably trained on her. She does her best to remain calm, but her voice betrays how she really feels. "Let go."

He does let go of her wrist, but not before leaving a faint bruise where his fingers dug into her skin. Perona figures she should just leave him alone. Whatever is going on with Zoro will have to be dealt with by Zoro.

But he's still in her house, and she doesn't like being uncomfortable in her own place of residence. She's frankly a little sick of having to watch out for Zoro. She has become a little more used to him, but this is too much. She needs to get him out of this funk. But clearly she can't do anything; he won't respond to her and he's become aggressive.

She spots his phone lying forgotten on the coffee table, she had left it there when they got back from the hospital. He was more concerned about leaving than retrieving his possessions, so she ended up with it. Surprisingly, the stupid thing didn't break in the accident. It's old and sturdy. She picks it up and flips it open. Maybe she can contact one of his old friends and see if they have any advice for dealing with Zoro. They may have had to deal with something like this in the past. He seems pretty set in his ways. When the phone fails to come to life, she figures it's dead and plugs it into the wall. Thankfully Zoro had left the charger in the living room last and she doesn't have to venture back into his lair.

Perona allows the phone to charge for a while and busies herself with her own lunch. When she figures it's had ample time to fill its battery, she powers it up and is assaulted with a number of phone calls and texts. She's a little taken aback given that Zoro doesn't really hang out with anyone that she knows of here, let alone use his phone often.

She reads the sender's name: Shit Cook. She can't tell exactly who that might be, so she opens a text, knowing full well that it's a breach of her room mates privacy, but since this person seems to want to contact him they may be a good person for her to seek help from.

 _Damnit marimo, answer your fucking phone. Let me know that you're not dead, I'd really appreciate it._

Well even if this isn't someone who could potentially help her, she could at least let them know Zoro is alive and maybe not well, but alive.

She presses the send button and the phone begins ringing.

A frantic voice answers. "Zoro?"

"No, sorry, this is his room mate, Perona. I wanted-"

"Please tell me he's ok."

"What?"

"He's not dead is he?"

"No, he's ok."

"Oh, thank god. His stupid accident has been all over the news, even here, and I thought he fucking killed himself. It's not unlike him to not respond, but shit." She hears a heavy sigh on the other end of the phone. "Can I talk to him?"

"Um, I don't know. He's not really been in a talking mood."

"Just give him the phone."

"I don't really want to go in there…"

"What do you mean?"

"He's been in a terrible mood, and he grabbed me earlier."

"He what?! He didn't hurt you did he?"

"No, I'm fine, it's nothing."

"That's not nothing, he shouldn't be doing that, especially to a woman."

"He's just been upset, he had a fight with his father at the hospital and-"

"What did you just say?"

"He had a fight with his father at the hospital and-"

"Give him the phone."

"I don't know if-"

"I need to talk to him. Give him the phone right now. If you don't want to this to get worse, you'll let me talk to him."

She hesitates for a moment. She doesn't even know who this is. Clearly he knows Zoro and cares enough to blow his phone up making sure he's ok, but is this someone Zoro wants to talk to? She figures she really doesn't want this to get any worse and this is the best option she has right now. Perona makes her way back to Zoro's room. With the phone still to her ear, she enters. "Zoro? Someone's on the phone for you." When he doesn't reply, she sighs. "I don't know what you want me to do, leave the phone for him? He's not responding."

"Tell him who's on the phone."

"Ok, then who is this?"

"Does he not have my number saved anymore?"

"He does, its just under shit cook, so if you want me to tell him that…" When Perona mentions 'shit cook' she notices Zoro turns his attention a bit more to her.

"That bastard. Tell him it's Sanji. I don't want to encourage his name calling. But I really need to talk to him like now."

She nods even though he can't see it over the phone and looks back to Zoro. "Sanji's on the phone for you."

"Just hand him the phone, and then get out of there. I'm sure you have his attention now." And that she did. He turned his head fully towards her and is looking intently at the phone pressed to her ear. She moves a bit closer and reaches the phone out to Zoro, who looks at the object like it may bite him.

"Just take it Zoro. He really wants to talk to you." He fails to take the phone and she does the next best thing: puts it on speaker phone and places it near him with an annoyed huff. "He won't take the phone, but you're on speaker. He can hear you."

"Zoro?" The green haired man stays silent. "Marimo, you there?" Perona can hear Zoro grunt acknowledgingly at the phone. "Hey, I heard about your accident, wanted to see if you were ok. You were all over the news."

"'M fine." Perona is shocked that Zoro actually responded. She can see the more that Sanji speaks to him, the less tense he seems to be. Not that he suddenly has become perfectly fine again he's still a ball of stress, but its noticeable, especially in that he his speaking a little.

"I'm sure your thick skull is the only thing that saved your brain from being spread all over the pavement."

"Fuck you."

Perona can hear Sanji make a satisfied noise, as if Zoro insulting him is a good sign. "Is that an offer?" Perona gets a little confused from that comment, she had always assumed Zoro to be straight since they had slept together, but maybe these two had something. He did mention having recent relationship. She feels like she learns so much more about the man by observing him than actually speaking to him.

Zoro doesn't really seem to have a response, he doesn't seem to be in the mood for playful banter and Sanji picks up on it.

"Your roommate told me what happened. I know you're probably really upset, I remember what happened last time you saw him, I can only image what's going on now. But just listen to my voice, ok? We need to get you calmed down."

Perona takes Sanji's advice and leaves the room again, but not without another glance towards her ruined dresser with the fucking sword stuck into it. He is going to pay for that.

She checks in on Zoro periodically to see if there has been any progress. She mostly just hears Sanji's voice through the phone. The last time she checks, Zoro is fast asleep. She can still hear Sanji speaking to him, it doesn't sound like anything of much importance, but she supposes it didn't need to be. Sanji did say he just wanted him to listen to him. She picks up the phone and takes it off speaker.

"Sanji?"

"Oh, uh, Perona, was it?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you for calling me back."

"No problem. Thank you for talking to him. He's sleeping, how did you do that?"

"I don't know. He's just very responsive to me for some reason. Uh, I have a quick question."

"Ask away."

"How is he? I mean besides right now. How has he been?"

"I don't really have anything to base it off of, but I guess he's ok. He has a lot of issues, and he drinks all the time. But this is the most extremely effected I've seen him be from anything. Though he did beat someone up one night. And some nights he looks like he wants to strangle something."

She hears a heavy sigh from Sanji. It sounds like he's speaking mostly to himself. "He doesn't sound like he's getting any better…" There's a brief pause before he continues. "Well, I really appreciate you letting me talk to him. I should probably get going, I have to get back to work, but if anything happens, feel free to give me a call again."

"Alright. Thank you again for talking to him."

"He should be a little better when he wakes up. From what I picked up, it sounds like he hasn't been able to sleep." She looks forward to his better mood.

-:-

Zoro wakes up feeling less like he's being pulled apart mentally. He's not really sure talking to Sanji actually happened, it feels like a dream. Regardless whether it was a dream or real life, hearing Sanji's voice helped, especially after not hearing it for so long. His head is more clear and he can more or less think straight now. And he's very aware how hungry he is. Zoro spots a sandwich that he vaguely remembers Perona bringing him and stuffs it into his mouth ravenously and washes it down with whatever he can find near his bed.

He sits up on the bed a bit more and a glinting catches his eye. His shoulders slump as he sees one of his swords poking out of a piece of furniture. He doesn't remember a whole lot from the past couple of days, but he does remember being in a nearly blinding rage. He's just glad he took it out on that dresser and not a person. He's going to have to make sure that sword is ok. He'll be needing it soon.

He's decided he's going to be putting them to work.

 **A/N: Oh, I also wanted to say that I took some liberties with hospital things, like I know Zoro probably should have been in the hospital longer, but that's not fun to read about and I wanted him to get home. And I totally fucked with the whole prison system since no one should be let out after killing 2 people after like 20 years, but I also couldn't have Zoro's dad just not be in jail since Robin knew what happened and it had to be have been detailed somewhere... so I'm going with he went with the whole temporary insanity thing and ended up out of jail earlier than he should have. Though I will admit I do not know an awful lot about police systems or prison sentences. So. Just thought I'd throw this out there.**


	44. Chapter 44

**A/N: Finally, a timely update! So this chapter has a few things going on, including the reappearance of Sanji, and it gets a bit graphic near the end. Happy reading!**

Things have been weird without Zoro. He has gotten more used to being alone in bed and in his apartment, but it's still odd not seeing a large moss snoring on the couch clutching a bottle of whiskey. Or feeling large hands run up his sides while warm breath tickles his neck when he's in the kitchen. He always said he hated when Zoro did that since he was always busy, but now he really misses it.

Sanji has been able to see his friends more often though. He is no longer confined to Zoro's small apartment to make sure he doesn't hurt himself or others. When he isn't working, something that he has also found time for, he is usually with his friends. He knows what Zoro was thinking when he left; he understands the thought behind it. He had pulled Sanji away from his own life, and he definitely sees it now that he is able to do what he wants to. But that doesn't mean that Sanji is happy Zoro is gone. He enjoys the freedom he has, but he misses the idiot. He's sure that they could have eventually gotten Zoro to a better mental state together and have both been happy. Sanji can't help but think that he was happy with Zoro, but maybe he almost forced himself to feel that way when he was with him. Maybe he felt obligated to feel that way since he had made up his mind to stay with him no matter what.

He tries not to think about that, he tries hard to remember being happy with Zoro. He likes to keep the early parts of their relationship in mind, as well as their last day together; before Zoro's problems really came to light. They were happy for a long time, and he's sure they can be that way again. When Zoro had a good day, it was a really good day. Those are the days he tries to remember.

But he also tries his hardest not to dwell on him too often. He finds himself seeking out his friends a lot to keep himself busy. He spends a lot of time at the restaurant and it has been doing very well, and better since he has become a more permanent part of the establishment again. His friends come by often to see him, and to mooch however much free food they can off of him. He ends up kicking Luffy and Ace out of the restaurant most days. He spends as little time alone in his apartment as he can.

And since he is mostly with other people, almost everyone was together when they saw the news about Zoro. They couldn't believe it was him at first; there is no way that was Zoro, why would he even be featured on the news? Sanji immediately thought the worst; he had either killed someone or he was killed. Most likely he had killed someone. He tore his eyes from the TV set and looks over to Nami, the only other person in the room who is aware of Zoro's murderous behavior. They shared a horrified look before turning back to the screen and realizing that there was a horrific accident prominently featuring a dark green motorcycle. The accident was so bad that it was shared almost nationwide; Zoro was nearly crushed by a truck and many other cars were affected by the crash. The idiot managed to close down an entire section of highway it looks like. The program was using the accident to highlight dangers of drunk driving and Sanji curses the marimo. He should know better than that. Immediately he pulls his phone out and sends him a few messages; obviously he wouldn't be answering right away, but he expected to hear from him eventually.

After two days of silence and frantic texting and calling, Sanji fears the worst. There had been no update to Zoro's condition; apparently the news station did not feel that it was important enough to do a follow up. When he finally received a call from Zoro's number he nearly fell off his chair. He could finally breath a little easier after having some kind of contact with him, even if he was in a terrible state of mind. He shared with his friends that Zoro is alive and in one piece, and they all decided to throw their own form of a celebration. Any excuse for a party really, though it was a lot more subdued than their normal ones.

Sanji really hasn't been able to keep the damn marimo off of his mind after the phone call. It's already been hard enough not to think about him after he left, but now it's nearly impossible. He can't help but wonder if he's ok, or if his room mate is ok, or if he's done anything that can get him into trouble. After talking to him, he knows Zoro is not going to be sound of mind for a while. He sounded like he was about to be pushed over the edge to a place he can't return from. He assumes if Perona had not contacted him when he did, the moss head wouldn't have been able to stop the progression and something terrible would have happened.

Sanji still cannot believe Zoro has a room mate. He was afraid to have Sanji around him sometimes, how is it that he found himself living with another person? A person who very well may be unable to fight him off if he were to do something. What the hell was Zoro thinking? He suddenly feels very uncomfortable that Perona is alone in an apartment with Zoro, especially after what has just transpired. He picks up his phone and searches for his newest contact. They had exchanged numbers before ending the call incase anything were to happen and Perona couldn't get Zoro's phone.

Sanji really feels like he should be there.

He sends Perona a message asking for their address and informs her that he will probably be showing up soon. She responds not too long after with the address details and that any help with the green idiot would be welcomed.

Honestly, Sanji didn't think he'd be seeing the marimo so soon, but this seems to be necessary. Zoro may not like it since he is determined to not be Sanji's problem anymore, but he can't ignore this. The encounter with his father was too big of a deal and Perona is too vulnerable.

He packs a few things and heads to the airport; he needs the next available flight to Zoro.

-:-

When he arrives at Zoro's new place of residence, he is surprised at how nice it is. Especially compared to his old apartment. Compared this one, Sanji's almost looks like a shit hole. He checks the address to make sure it's correct and heads up to the apartment. When he reaches the door, he feels his stomach flip in nervousness. Zoro doesn't know he's coming, unless Perona has said something. How is he going to react? Even if he does know he could still react badly. He takes a deep breath and knocks. He feels tense as he waits for an answer, and sucks in another breath when the door opens. Behind the door is a petite girl with long pink hair and a lot of make up.

"Hello?" She looks to him with mild confusion.

"You wouldn't happen to be Perona by chance would you?"

Her face lights up with recognition as soon as he speaks. "You must be Sanji! I recognize your voice. Come in." She opens the door more to allow him to move inside, then shuts it behind him. Sanji can't help but grab her hand and kiss it in greeting. He misses the look of mild repulsion on her face when his lips touch her skin. She really is quite beautiful past the heavily applied eyeliner. He feels himself close to enthusiastically tell her how wonderful she looks until she cuts him off. "Zoro actually isn't here right now. I don't know where he went, but he'll be back eventually."

He quickly remembers why he is here and pulls himself together. "Does he leave often?"

"Not too often, but he does go somewhere. I used to see him out at bars all the time before he moved in here. I assume that's still what he does."

Sanji shakes his head. Even after his accident Zoro still can't refuse a drink can he? But he is leaving the house. That is new. "How long has he lived with you?"

Her face scrunches in thought. "Hm, about a month I think."

"I'm sure you've experience the many sides of Zoro then." He doesn't want to say too much, but he's sure Perona has seen Zoro at his worst. No she definitely has since she was here for the post hospital incident.

She rolls her eyes. "Oh yeah. He's a pain in the ass most days." Sanji can't help but laugh a bit at her reaction to Zoro. She doesn't seem to be too afraid of him, only very very annoyed and inconvenienced by him. "What?"

"Nothing. I just think it's hilarious that you mostly just find him to be a nuisance since he expects everyone to be terrified of him."

"He may look scary, but there's nothing threatening about a man who sits around all day feeling sorry for himself. And he's been doing a lot of that. There are times when he is absolutely disturbing, but he seems to have enough mind to lock himself in his room when he's that way." Sanji raises an eyebrow at that. So he's doesn't get so far gone that he doesn't know what's happening. That's a good sign. "Though right after he saw his father, he did run my dresser through with a sword. Where he got a sword from is beyond me."

"You're kidding."

"Nope. It was at least the one in his room, but he is still going to paying for that."

Sanji is now aware just how upset Zoro was then. Thankfully, he didn't use the weapon on anyone. He's never seen the marimo bring those out when he was upset though. Sanji feels that he's done the right thing in coming here. If he's bringing out his swords who knows what he's going to do.

"So how long have you known Zoro?"

Her question breaks him out of his thoughts. "Uh, over a year, maybe closer to two now." At this point it feels like he's known Zoro forever.

"And you're the only one who can calm him down?"

"When he gets to a certain point, it seems that way. Though alcohol and a good kick to the head will do it too."

She nods almost knowingly. Sanji wonders just what she has encountered with the moss head. "Why is that? That you can calm him down."

"I don't know. There's just always been… something between us. Even before we got closer, I was the only person he seemed comfortable enough with to open up to. I'm the only person he's ever felt any kind of connection to, I guess I make him feel safe. That's the best guess I have."

"Were you guys… together?" Perona looks almost embarrassed to assume.

Sanji nods. "Yeah. We were together for a bit over a year. Up until he left to come out here."

"If you made him feel so safe, why'd he leave?"

"That was my question. But he thought he wasn't good for me, and that he was bringing me down. So he left me. He also wanted to get better and he didn't feel like he could in his current situation. It sucked. It still does. But I respect his decision and I understand why he did it."

-:-

"Are you kidding me? You want me to go where?"

"I wish I was. But the sooner you can get here the better. I would owe you a lot if you'd do this."

"Roronoa, you should really rethink this. I cannot condone your actions."

"Law, I'm doing this with or without you, it would be a hell of a lot better if I had your help though."

Zoro has made his decision. His swords need some action, and Zoro has more than enough motivation and pent up rage to go through with it. He figured he should see if Law would be able to help him out with the mess afterwards. He doesn't exactly want to be caught, but even if Law says he won't be coming, Zoro is not changing his mind.

He can hear a sigh from Law. "When are you planning this?"

"Soon. Depends when I find him. Could be tonight, could be tomorrow."

His voice is followed by silence. Zoro thinks Law might have hung up on him until he speaks. "I'll get my boys and head your way. When you're done let me know the location." He doesn't sound enthusiastic about it.

"I appreciate it." The line is dead soon after he speaks. He pockets his phone after being sure to put it on silent and grabs his swords. He's not sure exactly how he is going to do this since he does not have his bike anymore. Walking around with a large case is not the best way to be inconspicuous, but he doesn't have many other options. He is not stealing Perona's car, and he doubts she'll let him borrow it after totaling his bike. He throws on his bandana to hide his hair as best he can and heads out. Thankfully Perona is not in the living room to see him leave. He doesn't want anyone asking questions or knowing that he's going somewhere.

He falls right back into the old routine of a job. He's hoping this will be the last time he ever does this. He's not sure exactly where he will find his father since he is pretty sure he doesn't live here, but he will find him. He is certain of that. It makes this a bit harder, but he is never exactly sure of where he is going anyways.

Zoro can't help but feel the urge to place his swords on his hip. He knows that would be a stupid idea since he is walking down the street, but what if he sees him? In an ideal world, he will not run into him out here, so he keeps them in their bag.

Night falls, and Zoro is still no closer to finding his target. He didn't realize how difficult this would be. If only he had a bit more technological skills he could have been able to look up where his father would be staying. It can't be that difficult to search for something like that if one had the knowledge. As he curses himself for not learning any computer skills from Usopp, he's offered many times, he catches sight of someone on the other side of the road.

He quickly darts into a side street and watches the familiar face move down the sidewalk. A demonic grin spreads across Zoro's face. He can feel the thrill of the kill begin to creep up on him.

He uses his finely honed skills and stalks the man undetected. He follows him for quite a few blocks until he finds an area that is void of other people. He advances closer and after being sure there is no one else around, he unsheathes a sword. He quietly comes up behind him and places the deadly sharp edge to his throat.

Zoro has to use every ounce of control he has to keep from slitting this man's throat in the street. He can feel his hand shaking. The man puts his hands up. "Wh-what do you want?"

Damn it. Not his father. That is not his voice. Zoro peaks around at the man's face and confirms that this man is definitely not the man he is looking for. He quickly sheathes the sword before he can do anything and places his hand over the man's mouth. "Don't turn around. Just go home, and don't mention this to anyone." He can feel the man shaking in his grip. "Ok?"

The man frantically nods his head and Zoro lets go of him. When he sees the man takes a few steps forward, Zoro quickly disappears from view into another side street. He leans against a building and takes a few deep breathes. Now he has to find a way to collect himself. He closes his eye and clutches his swords tight. He's never mis-targeted before, usually he had an exact location and a time restraint until the target leaves that location. This is going to be a long night if he keeps this up. He waits in the alleyway to calm down. Once he feels that he has his head about him, he exits back into the street to continue his search.

The night lingers on and Zoro feels no closer to finding his father. Honestly, he doesn't even know where else to look. For all he knows, his father has left the city. He may have missed his chance. He feels defeat begin to settle over him and he plants himself on a nearby bench. His body is still thrumming with the need, especially after being so close to spilling blood earlier. He begins the tough ordeal of convincing himself that it is not going to happen tonight. He should go home and sleep. If he's gone for too long, Perona will be suspicious and he doesn't need that. He decides to check his phone incase she has tried to speak to him. No need to worry her by not responding if she has. Just as he thought, he received a short message from Perona about an hour ago asking where he is. He doesn't want to lie exactly, if he says he's at a bar, she might come looking for him. She knows where he likes to frequent. There's not much else he does though, and nothing that he can think of that would be believable to tell her. He settles on 'out'.

Her response is quick, 'when will you be back?'

He almost types out 'why does it matter?', she's never been one to badger him about where he is or when he'll be home. Maybe it's because of the accident that she's being a bit more concerned. He decides to reply with 'not sure'.

He waits a few moments to see if he'll get anything back, but his phone does not receive any more messages. He replaces it into his pocket and sits back on the bench. He can feel his nails digging into the palms of his hands as the need rises back up in him. He checks the time; its past one in the morning. He's been wandering for a while. Maybe he should grab a few bottles and head home for the night, try again tomorrow. He does have a few home methods for when the urge can't be forced away. He hasn't had to use many of them for a while, but tonight might be one of those nights.

He stands up and looks around to orient himself. Not that it does a whole lot. He remembers coming from that direction… so this direction is home. He nods and heads in the direction that feels right. He chews his lip hard enough to draw blood and that helps a bit to keep himself in check. He comes to an intersection, and he's not one hundred percent sure where he is, but it looks familiar. He takes a left and heads down a darkened road. The street lamps have burnt out, no one has gotten around to replace them yet. He feels more comfortable in the dark right now; he'd rather not have anyone see him.

As he blocks out the rest of the world in attempt to get his mind back under control completely, he nearly misses the voice behind him.

"Well, fancy seeing you here, kid."

Zoro stops dead in his tracks. He's almost sure he imagined that voice. He slowly turns around and comes face to face with the exact man he's been looking for. How he managed to happen upon him in the middle of the night, he has no idea, but he is not about to question it. He lets to go of all control he had been holding onto and feels the mask of normalcy drip off his face giving way to the highly disturbed man underneath.

He echoes the words his father said to him in the hospital. "I've been looking for you for a while." He slowly walks closer as he takes in the area around him without looking away from his father; he tries to get an idea for the best place to do this.

His father laughs. "Look at you, trying to be intimidating. You're still just an annoying little brat to me."

Zoro laughs right back at him. He's almost happy to hear his father talk to him this way, it just fuels the already raging fire. "I've been waiting for this for a long time." He quickly pulls out a sword and advances face to face to his father, the sword held between them and at the other man's throat. "I'd rather not do this out here, so if you could come with me that would be great."

His father's face immediately falls from smug to confused. As soon as he feels the steel on his skin, he looks almost afraid. "A sword? You've grown up to be crazier than I have."

Zoro's stare remains hard as he speaks to him. "Move."

Zoro escorts the man at sword point into the best place he could find on such short notice. The place looks more or less unused, and as if not many people make traffic in the area. As ideal as he can get if Law is not able to come right away.

"Are you planning on killing me then?"

"I don't want to hear your god damn voice. You ruined my life, and I'm taking yours."

His father looks ready to fight for his life. He tries to take Zoro off guard and punch him, but Zoro brings up his arm fast. Quickly, he pulls out a second sword as his father readies for another attack, but as he sees the second blade, he hesitates. He looks around for some kind of weapon and settles on an old wooden plank. Zoro laughs knowing how well that piece of wood will hold up against his steel. Zoro's blades chop up the plank, and his father grabs for a new one. Zoro allows this to go on for a bit; he's enjoying playing with him like this. Making him think he has a chance. Reversing their roles. Zoro finally has the upper hand.

He can't hold back the need much longer though and he finally rips the make shift weapon from the other man's hands. "I'm done playing." He kicks the man to the ground and his eyes grow wide. He finally realizes there is nothing he can do. Zoro raises his swords. " _This_ is for my sister." He brings down one blade and embeds it deep into the other man's torso. Blood spills and the disturbed part of Zoro sighs in contentment. He twists the blade for good measure, tearing a pained scream from the man below him. " _This_ is for my mother." He punctuates the sentence with the second sword just next to the first, but instead of a twist he rips the blade through his torso. Another quieter pained noise escapes the man as Zoro revels in the feeling of tearing through flesh. "And this, this is for making my life a living hell." Zoro raises his final sword and plummets it down into the man's heart, making sure the blade goes all the way through. He watches as the life leaves his eyes and the blood escape his body to pool across the ground.

Zoro lets out a breath and closes his eye. He feels, free. Everything is silent. He leans his head back and breathes in the night air. He has no thoughts clouding his mind, he can't even remember the last time that has happened. He feels so good, he even allows the high of the kill to take him over. He lets it settle in and has no thoughts of chasing it away. Just this once, it's ok to feel it. He stands there for a few more moments, then opens his eye and looks down at the body below him. He feels no regret towards this. No remorse for his actions. He remembers that this needs to be dealt with and gives Law a call. They're about an hour away and will come immediately to remove the body. Law tells Zoro to go home, and not to let anyone see him leave the area. He knows that, he's done this so many times, but truthfully he did need the reminder. He's feeling so good right now that he would have just walked down the street with all three swords on full display without a care in the world.

-:-

Sanji is woken up to the sound of the front door opening. He had fallen asleep on the couch in hopes of catching Zoro when he arrived home. He immediately sits up and watches the door as it slowly opens. Sanji hops up off the couch in preparation for catching an alcohol soaked Zoro, but when the door is fully opened and the marimo walks through, Sanji is a bit thrown by what he sees. The man is covered in blood. But contrary to any other time he has seen the man bloodied he is not in a panic. He looks content. Almost serene. It's eerie. Sanji can guess what has happened, and the fact that Zoro doesn't look to have any kind of remorse is highly disturbing. He slowly approaches the man. "Zoro?"

His head slowly turns to Sanji, and then confusion settles on his face. "What are you doing here?"

Sanji can feel unease through his body as Zoro looks at him. "Just came to see you."

The marimo smirks and huffs out a short laugh. "Bad timing."

The blonde watches Zoro a bit and waits for him to make a move to the kitchen to grab something to drink, to go through his usual post kill routine, but he doesn't. He just moves to his bedroom, and Sanji follows him. He watches as he takes his swords out of their case one by one and cleans them off with the bloodied shirt he was wearing like he does this kind of thing every day. Sanji doesn't really know what to think of what he's seeing. Zoro is just so relaxed. He's too calm.

Then it hits him; he's not drinking. He's letting the high he feels after linger. This is the euphoric state of mind he's talked about; the place he only reaches after taking a life. A shiver runs through Sanji's body. He doesn't like this; he doesn't like this at all. It's disturbing to see the effect that killing actually has on the man. Sanji hasn't moved from his spot in the doorway. As Zoro finishes up with his swords he tosses the soiled shirt in a corner and heads for the door way. He stops in front of Sanji and smiles. He places a hand on Sanji's face, then continues past him and into the bathroom. Sanji remains where he is, his body feels stiff. He can hear Zoro washing up in the bathroom, and all the while Sanji can't make himself move. He doesn't know where he should go; back to the couch, get on another plane and just go home? No he doesn't want to leave Perona alone with him. If Zoro is allowing himself to feel this, Sanji doesn't know what that means.

Zoro returns and grabs Sanji's hand. Sanji nearly jumps from the contact, he didn't realize he was right there. Zoro smiles at him again and motions to the bed. He figures he'll be sleeping with Zoro then. He forces his feet to follow the other man. Zoro's behavior is weird. He hasn't spoken a word since greeting Sanji, hasn't questioned his motives for being here, he hasn't acted as if anything is out of the ordinary. He hasn't even given any sign that he notices Sanj's discomfort. And it is frightening. He's completely wrapped up in the high.

Zoro places his head on Sanji's shoulder as they lie down. He looks down at the green haired man and takes in the complete serenity that is expressed on his face. Sanji has never seen him look like that before.

He feels Zoro's breathing even out and he can tell he's fallen asleep. Sanji waits for morning to come; he doesn't think he'll be sleeping much tonight.


	45. Chapter 45

**A/N: I haven't gotten a new chapter up this fast in a long time! Zoro and Sanji talk it out with some smut, and Perona is a scheming sneak. Also, there is a brief panic attack in this chapter, but it's not super detailed or anything.**

Zoro feels consciousness pulling him back to the world. He lets it slowly bring him to wakefulness. He stretches and revels in the peacefulness he feels. He lets out a content sigh and opens his eye. He recalls the events from the night before and Zoro can tell that there is something different about himself today. He doesn't feel as weighed down as he had. He feels good. Well, better than he had at least. He still feels no disgust for allowing himself to indulge in the sick high after the kill; it was worth it. A little indulgence for something that makes you feel good isn't so bad, right?

Though, that indulgence comes with a price. It does cloud his memory a bit. He gets so enraptured by the feeling that he's not always sure if something was real or not. Like seeing the cook. Since he woke up alone he assumes it was a dream. That does put a bit of a damper on his morning. It was a nice feeling thinking he was with him again. It was probably because he had talked to him not too long ago.

He sits up and scratches his neck. Nothing he can really do about that now. He's had dreams of seeing the blonde more times than he can count and though it's a sad reminder that he's no longer around, he can deal with it. Zoro shoves himself off the bed and spots the blood fouled shirt he used to clean his swords last night crumpled in a corner. Looks like that shirt is lost. He probably should have made sure that was one he didn't care much about before wearing it out for last night's escapade.

His stomach growls and he realizes he never ate last night. He figures he'll see if Perona made anything or what they have lying around the kitchen. At the very least he wants some coffee and maybe throw in something a little stronger. It's been far longer than he likes since he's had a drink; he's starting to get a headache. He grabs some pants off the floor noticing belatedly that he never put anything on last night after his shower and heads out to the shared living area. As he walks out he wonders whether or not he woke up Perona last night when he got home. He has no idea when that was, but Zoro assumes it was probably pretty late and he was so out of it that he doesn't know if he was loud or not.

When he makes it to the kitchen he is taken aback by the smell. He hasn't smelled anything that great since- "Cook?"

Is he still dreaming? He has to be, why the hell would the cook even be here?

"Hey marimo. Hungry?" Sanji doesn't even look up from what he's doing.

Zoro walks over behind him and stares at the back of his head. He moves to his side and looks at him suspiciously, pokes at his arm.

"What are you doing?" Sanji swats him away but still doesn't look at him.

"Me? What are you doing? Why are you here? Why are you cooking in my kitchen?"

Finally, Sanji looks up from the pan he's been cooking with and gives Zoro an incredulous look. "Seriously? Do you not remember coming home and seeing me last night? You dragged me to your bed with you."

"So that wasn't a dream?"

"Not a dream." He goes back to focusing on the stove.

Zoro can't help but feel like he did something last night that pissed the cook off. But for the life of him he can't remember what. "What's up with you, curly?"

A door closes and Zoro can hear the tell tale signs of Perona coming over to the kitchen. Which includes her voice. "Something smells amazing! Sanji, that has to be you, Zoro can't cook anything more complicated than eggs."

Zoro bristles at her insult, not that he really cares what anyone thinks of his cooking, but quickly forgets his annoyance when Sanji finally responds to his question. "Nothing. Just tired. You woke me up last night."

"I'm sorry." He places his hand on the cooks back and reads whether or not he can do anything more. They broke up, but it wasn't like they were ending things forever. Sanji doesn't seem to be comfortable with more than a touch, and even that seems to be pushing it right now. Zoro has a bad feeling that he did something last night. And he still hasn't gotten an answer for why the cook is here. "So why am I waking up to real food this morning?" He moves away from the blonde who looks a bit uncomfortable and fixes himself some coffee and adding some whiskey to it. Well maybe he added some coffee to his whiskey. He leans against the counter and waits for Sanji to give whatever explanation he has for being in Zoro's kitchen.

Sanji moves the mixture he was making in the pan onto a plate and transfers the pan to the sink. "Thought your roommate might want some help dealing with you after your little episode the other day."

Zoro can read between the lines. Sanji was afraid Zoro might do something harmful to either himself or Perona, so he showed up just in case. He's not sure how he feels about that. He sips his coffee mixture and decidedly makes no response. The cook already seems pissed off at him, no reason to make things worse by accusing him of that.

Perona shoves him out of the way and grabs her own cup of coffee. "Morning Zoro." He nods to her in greeting. "What did you get up to last night? You were gone for a while."

"Just went out. Wanted to clear my head."

Perona rolls her eyes at him as she passes back in front of him to inspect the food. She's used to his non answers now, but he is aware that they bother the shit out of her. Which is partly why he keeps up with it. But there is no way that he will be telling her what he was really doing last night. He did manage to clear his head though.

Zoro moves over to the sink as Sanji seems to be washing all the dishes now, and he's doing so with exceptional force. "Hey, cook, we can deal with that later. Don't worry about it." He sighs and tosses the pan he had with as much force as he's willing to use on kitchenware back into the sink. Zoro lightly touches the cook's arm. "You ok?"

He pulls his arm out of Zoro's reach and turns to the food. "I'm great. Let's eat." He fixes a plate for Perona and himself leaving Zoro to make his own. Zoro is going to have to get him alone later and figure out what the fuck the cook's problem is.

They eat in relative silence, partially because Zoro has missed Sanji's food and is taking in every flavor. And Perona had never had it before so she is marveling to herself about how delicious it is. She does end up being the one to bring up any kind of conversation though since the two men seem to be having trouble communicating. "So, isn't it kind of weird for you guys to be, I don't know, hanging out?" When Zoro gives her a confused look she elaborates. "You two did date didn't you?"

So Sanji and she had talked then. Not surprising since Perona has been trying to get to know more about Zoro since they met. "Not at all. Not for me at least…" He glances up at the cook to see his reaction.

"Feels perfectly normal." Zoro can tell Sanji is feeling anything but perfectly normal. He catches Perona shoot a quick peek at Zoro and focus back on her meal.

He sighs and tries to think back to last night. He has to be able to remember something. All he remembers is walking in, seeing the cook, cleaning his swords, showering, and going to bed. All with the cook being nearby. Is he mad he didn't talk to him? He wasn't really in the right mind to speak much.

Oh. He wasn't in his right mind at all, and Sanji saw that. No one has ever really seen that and known what it was, but the cook knows. Zoro is sure that the cook could deduce what was going on. He came home bloodied with his swords to the cook. Cleaned his swords off with the cook nearby. Showered and cleaned the blood off of himself.

Zoro puts his fork down and stares at the blonde, eye wide. He wasn't expecting to have to talk to anyone about last night. But it seems he has more than just the kill to explain. Zoro has always advocated that he hates that feeling. And last night he let himself be sucked into it, and Sanji saw that. Zoro can't even imagine what he must be thinking of him now. From how he's been acting, he doesn't seem like he wants a whole lot to do with him anymore.

He feels a bit of panic rise up in his chest. He doesn't like having to talk about what goes on in his head. Its hard to explain, and no one can ever understand properly. It's not a universal feeling or thought and he knows it just makes him sound insane whenever he tries. And this, how the fuck does he rationalize this? He can't get out of explaining that, not unless he wants Sanji to think he'd lied about despising that after effect. He takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out. When he doesn't feel a change, he shoves his chair out from underneath him and heads to the bathroom. He needs a moment to pull himself together.

He closes the door and leans against it. Shit. He doesn't get these often, but when he does he never knows how to deal with it. He moves to the sink and holds onto the counter, stares at himself in the mirror. He tells himself he's stronger than this, he's pushed away worse feelings, he can get rid of this. When that doesn't work he splashes water on his face. Now he's just wet. He rips the hand towel off the rack and wipes off his face. He drops to a crouch and assumes the position he uses when he's dealing with control issues. It's familiar and it works for that, so why not this? His fingers wind through his hair and he grits his teeth while attempting to normalize his breathing.

Zoro is lost in trying to calm himself when he feels a hand on his back. He flinches hard and his head hits whoever had come up on him. "Ah, shit." He looks up and sees Sanji rubbing his chin.

"Sorry cook. Didn't know you were right there." He speaks as calmly as he can while still trying to get a hold of his breath. It's getting really difficult to get a full breath in.

"Marimo, what's going on?"

"It's nothing, don't worry about it." He still doesn't want Sanji to be worrying over him. This isn't a loss of control, just a mild panic attack. The cook doesn't need to be concerned.

"Zoro, that doesn't look like nothing. Are you in control?" He nods. He can feel Sanji's hand on his shoulder and feels his presence closer to him. "Just breathe marimo."

"I'm trying." He unconsciously grabs Sanji's hand. He can feel Sanji reach with his other hand up to the back of his head and gently stroke his hair. He focuses on the touch and tries to line his breathing up with the cook's. They sit like that for a minute or two until Zoro feels calm enough to uncurl himself.

"Better?" Sanji's hand remains on his neck combing through the short hair on the back of his head.

"Yeah." He leans into the touch momentarily until he remembers Sanji was the one who caused this inadvertently and pushes himself to a standing position. "I'm going to go finish eating." Truthfully his appetite is pretty much gone now, but it's something to do that feels normal.

After he finishes his food, he takes his plate to the sink and tries to wash it, but Perona takes it from him. "Go sit down, Zoro. I got it." He glances at Sanji and sees he's being watched. The cook has a mixed expression; he can't seem to decide whether to be worried for Zoro or wary of him.

He sighs and grabs the remainder of the bottle he used earlier with his coffee and walks towards his room. He makes eye contact with the cook as he walks by him and motions to his room. "Let's talk."

He really doesn't want to, but he might as well get this out of the way now rather than ruminating on it all day until the cook decides to bring it up.

He stands next to the door sipping from the bottle as he waits for Sanji to come in, then closes it behind him. He sits on the edge of his bed, dangling the bottle between his legs. He watches the liquid swish around. He feels the bed dip and Sanji must have sat near him but he's on his blind side. He's not really sure where to start this conversation. He really hopes he can get through this without another damn panic attack. "So, last night…"

"Last night." Sanji's tone seems to say 'took you long enough to figure it out idiot'.

"You weren't supposed to see that."

"You're not supposed to be doing that. Any of that." Zoro opens his mouth to respond but Sanji cuts him off. "What the fuck were you thinking?"

"I had to."

He hears Sanji sigh and Zoro can tell he doesn't much accept that answer. There is thick silence between them before Sanji speaks. "I thought you hated that. You've gone on and on about how disgusting you think you are when you let yourself feel that. Yet here you are, far away from any one who knows what's wrong with you and you act like it's a normal occurrence. How often are you doing that?"

"I'm not. It was just last night."

"Why?"

"Because-" How does he explain it. He pauses and takes a swig from his bottle. "Because it didn't feel wrong." Zoro can feel the apprehension rolling off Sanji. He's only making this worse. "Because of who it was." He puts the bottle to his lips again and takes a longer pull. "I never want to feel that, but last night was an exception. I don't know to explain that to you in a way that doesn't sound bad, but believe me, It's not something that's going to be happening again."

That's the best explanation he thinks he has. He turns his head to see Sanji's reaction. His face just looks blank. He remains silent for a long time. Zoro feels like he's just ruined anything they may have had left between them.

Zoro looks to his bottle, and its nearly empty now. He decides to save what's left as a distraction once one of them starts speaking again. Sanji's the first to break the silence.

"I think I can understand that." Zoro looks back over to Sanji, who is still not looking back at him. "But," he takes a deep breath and looks over to Zoro. "I don't know if I'd want to continue anything with you at this point after seeing that. It was really disturbing."

Zoro feels his heart sink. He knows he left in anticipation of Sanji finding someone else and never being with him again, hell he had told him he wanted him to. But hearing this is different. It's not Sanji finding something better, its Sanji telling him that Zoro is too fucked up to be with. He can't wrap his head around it though, wasn't Sanji the one who kept telling him no matter what, he wouldn't leave?

"Seriously? After everything you've seen and heard, this is what gets to you? You've seen the aftermath of me slaughtering a building full of people. And you're upset that I allowed myself to feel good about ridding my life of the person who made me this way? How does that even make sense?"

"I think the fact that you can't understand it is part of the reason."

"No." Zoro stands up in frustration. "No. I can't accept that. That's bullshit."

"Zoro, all of the other people that you've killed, you've been commanded to."

"That's not true. When I took out the organization, that was all my decision. And you backed that. You were there."

"That was different."

"How is that different? Because you were there? Because I didn't let myself enjoy the high after?" Sanji looks as though he doesn't have a good answer for Zoro. Zoro just looms over him with the bottle in hand. He decides he may as well finish it; he throws back what's left.

"You know I almost left after that." Zoro looks to the cook who is looking at his hands. "I wasn't sure I could deal with it. You scared me then."

Zoro watches him for a moment before asking his next question. "Are you scared of me now?"

He doesn't respond right away. Instead he glances up at Zoro briefly then over to where the soiled shirt lies in the bedroom corner, then back to his hands. "I don't know that I would say I'm afraid of you, but you make me uneasy. I think I understand what you're trying to say about last night, but it still doesn't sit right with me."

"So what you're trying to say is we're never going to-"

"I'm not sure I'm saying that. But I know right now I'm not comfortable with it. And I'm also not sure I'm comfortable with you staying with Perona."

"You're going to dictate where I live now?"

"I think it's safer for her if you didn't-"

"And you think it's safer for my well being that I'm alone? I may have not been doing a whole lot for myself out here, but I have been at least trying to get myself to be somewhat social. And Perona is actually a big part of that. She doesn't know it, but she's actually helped me a lot so far. And I really don't think living alone is going to make me any better. I haven't harmed her. And I really don't think I'll be having as many issues anymore."

Sanji brings his gaze level with Zoro's. He looks unconvinced. "What now you're suddenly better since you've killed your father?"

"That's not what I'm saying. But I feel different. I don't know how to explain it, but I don't feel like I did exactly."

"I still don't feel that she's safe."

He looks hard at Sanji. "You don't trust me anymore do you?"

"Zoro, I don't want to turn this into a fight. I get what you're trying to say, but please try to understand what I'm saying."

"You're saying that you don't trust me."

"I trust you to an extent. I trusted that you would try to fix yourself. I trusted that you wouldn't give in to the urges, but you did. And you gave in to the thing that you said you hated; and since you hated it it made all of this easier to take. But after seeing that…"

Zoro huffs a disbelieving laugh. He still can't believe that after everything this is what the cook is upset over. In Zoro's mind, it is a perfectly rational explanation for allowing himself to indulge. Why can't he see that? This is exactly why he went into a panic earlier. Sanji had even said before that he would be glad if he had killed his father. He's feeling emotion rise up, but this time its not panic, its anger. He throws the empty bottle in his hand against the wall where it shatters. "What the fuck, Sanji? If you understand why I let that happen, then why is this such a big deal to you?"

Sanji gets off the bed and tenses up, ready for a fight if need be. "To a sane person, it's still just as unnerving no matter the reasoning behind it."

Zoro advances toward him and grabs his face. "What?"

Sanji holds eye contact as he enunciates his words. "You're insane."

Zoro throws him to the bed and leaps on top of him holding him down. He doesn't know what he wants to do now that he has him here, though. He goes for a punch, but Sanji rolls out of the way and all he hits is mattress. They start wrestling on the bed, each trying to get the upper hand. Zoro wins out and holds Sanji down bodily while gripping his face. He doesn't know what compels him, but he mashes their lips together. Sanji responds and they meet in a furious kiss of teeth and tongue. Sanji continues to struggle and roll them over, but Zoro won't let him. Zoro rips open the cook's shirt and pushes as much of it as he can away and moves from his mouth to his chest leaving painful marks as he goes. He can hear Sanji hiss each time Zoro bites too hard, but he never says no. Sanji reaches between them and begins to unbutton his pants and shimmy out of them as best he can with Zoro on top of him. Zoro realizes what he's doing and helps shove the clothing off while the cook grabs for Zoro's sweats and pushes them down.

Their mouths meet again as they grind against each other greedily. Zoro sits up momentarily to reach for anything to make this a little easier and he spots lotion near the bed. He keeps one hand on Sanji's chest to keep him where he is while grabs it. He wastes no time with prep and only slicks himself up. Sanji lifts his hips to tell him to get on with it already, so Zoro pushes himself in. It's rough, and vicious. Zoro holds Sanji to the bed as best as he can while thrusting as hard as he can. Sanji lets out grunts of pained pleasure and leaves streaks down Zoro's back as his nails bite into his skin. Their mouths drift apart as its too hard to keep up both activities at once. Zoro feels like he's getting close and lets up on his grip on the cook. Sanji flips them over as soon as he notices he can and pulls Zoro out. He stares down at the other man before making his way between his legs. He spits in his hand and rubs himself while keeping eye contact with Zoro.

"I know you like when it hurts."

It goes in a lot slower without the aid of a lubricant and Zoro grits his teeth at the pain. He grabs onto Sanji's thighs as he pushes in. When he's finally fully inside, he does pause for a moment to watch Zoro's face to make sure everything is ok to continue. Zoro pulls him down and bites his neck to say keep going, and so he does. It hurts so good and Zoro can't help but let out loud moans, completely forgetting there's anyone else in the apartment. Sanji feverishly thrusts himself in and out while holding himself up just enough to see the expression on Zoro's face. Zoro reaches for his own cock and pumps himself hard. Zoro finishes first, and winces at each extra thrust Sanji takes, but it doesn't take much more for the cook to follow. They lay together in a sweaty heap until Sanji gets up. Zoro hisses as his body is vacated and he realizes how sore he is. Sanji touches his leg softly.

"You alright?"

Zoro nods. "Yeah. You?"

"Yeah."

They sit in an almost awkward silence, neither knowing what to say to the other. Sanji finally turns to fully face Zoro again. "This doesn't change anything."

"I know."

"Just… think about what I said."

"You too."

Sanji nods and begins to gather his clothes, putting them on as he finds them. He has to dig through his small bag to find a new shirt though. When he is finished, he places a hand on the doorknob and turns slightly to Zoro. "Despite everything I said, I do still want you to come back; I want to know when you're ok."

Zoro takes in a breath. It's not hope, but its something. "As soon as I get there, I'll let you know."

He leaves without another word.

Zoro lays in his bed for a few more minutes before grabbing a dirty shirt off the ground and wiping off his stomach and between his legs. He sits up and winces.

He throws on his sweats again and stares at the broken bottle in his room, then heads back to the living room to get something to clean that up with after he's sure Sanji has left. He spots Perona at the dining table with her laptop and she glances at him out of the side of her eye with a tint of blush to her cheeks. She definitely heard that.

As he walks by her he mumbles out a sorry and heads for the broom.

"Why is Sanji leaving already?"

Zoro slowly turns around. "I guess it wasn't as normal to be around each other as we thought."

"Sounded pretty normal to me…"

He just shakes his head at her and heads back to his room to clear up the glass. He's hoping that's all she heard from his and Sanji's encounter.

-:-

Perona plops herself down on the couch next to Zoro. He's been sullen since Sanji left earlier. But not in his usual way, more like he's contemplating something hard and it's making him upset. She suspects he and Sanji had a fight, a fight that ended in very loud sex, but a fight none the less. She heard them yelling back and forth. It was hard for her to make out what they were saying, and what she could hear she was pretty sure she had misheard. She looks over to him and watches him shift uncomfortably on the couch. A smile creeps up on her face.

"How's your ass?"

He glares daggers at her and chooses not to respond. Her smile grows knowingly and she gets back up off the couch. As she passes by him she pats his head, which he swats at her for, then she heads over to the kitchen. She grabs some painkillers and one of his bottles that he hasn't drank yet to bring back over to him. She drops the bottle of pills on his lap and places the bottle of alcohol in front of him before seating herself again. She waits for him to take the pills before she says anything more to him. She hasn't forgotten their talk about trying to find something better than drinking to deal with his issues. She really would like to help him with that. But to do that Zoro needs to get off his ass.

"You need a hobby."

He looks to her over top of the bottle he's using to wash down the pills. "What?"

"You know, a hobby. An activity you're interested in to keep you occupied."

"Why do I need a hobby?"

"Because you need to do more than sit on my couch all day."

"I do more than that."

She gives him a flat look. "If you mean sleeping and sulking, those don't count. And drinking doesn't count as a hobby either."

"Wasn't going to say it does." He places his bottle back on the table in front of him. "I don't think I've ever had a hobby."

"Well, now is a perfect time to find one." She tries to think of something a large musclebound idiot like Zoro would like to do. He must have exercised often to get to be the build that he is. Maybe he still does in his room, that could be something. "You work out don't you?"

"Yeah. I mean, I used to more, but I do what I can now."

"You could do more again. Find a gym."

He hums in thought. "I'd rather not have to go anywhere to do that. I'm not a big people person."

She sighs. Of course he's not a people person. Zoro is the complete opposite of a people person. Getting him out of the house more is going to be more difficult than just finding him a hobby. "What about your sword? Do you collect them?"

"My what?" His head jerks her direction.

"Your sword that you tried to kill my dresser with. I assume you collect them or something? Or do you have that for protection?" She's not sure why he would choose a sword over a gun or something incase someone broke in, but hey it's Zoro and he's a pretty weird guy. "What do you do with it if it's not on display?"

He looks to her uncomfortably for a few seconds. "I used to do kendo."

"You used to do what?"

"Kendo. Swordsmanship. I'm a swordsman."

"Ooh, that's a hobby." His face makes an expression as if calling kendo a hobby pains him. "It's something you do outside of the house, it can be whatever you want to call it, but for our purposes right now it's a hobby. So, you said you used to do it? Why not anymore?"

"Fell out of practice." He grabs for his bottle again before turning back to her when a thought hit him. "Actually, I was an instructor right before I came out here."

She plays with an idea in her head. She could in theory get him to get a job. Give him something constructive to do in something he likes. She is going to have to do some research for anywhere that might have what was it… kendo positions. Once she succeeds in that, her next task is to get him to where they are.

She lets their conversation die off and she's sure Zoro thinks she's just going to let it go. Instead of forgetting about it, she heads to her laptop and searches the internet for kendo. Anything that has to do with a position, a gym – well it looks like they call them dojos actually, or anything that she can get Zoro into.

As she peruses the search results she garnered something catches her eye. She clicks on the link and is brought to a page detailing an upcoming kendo tournament in the area. Perfect. This will give him something to train towards, give him something to do, and hopefully keep his alcohol intake to a minimum. It'll be a great way to get his aggression out as well. And to top it all off, if he wins he gets a cash prize. It's almost like getting him a job. Without conferring with the green haired loser, she signs him up.


	46. Chapter 46

**A/N: Next chapter is ready! The next update may be a ways off as school is starting again and I have yet to really plan for classes, and I'm getting a new class to teach on top of everything else, and I have to figure out what to even do for that one. This chapter isn't my favorite, but it's kind of setting up for things to come I guess. Good things seem to be happening for poor Zoro though.**

Zoro has noticed a quieter place in his mind. It's not quite silent as the night he killed his father, but it's better. He still has his moments of despair and urges to do harm, but it's not as overwhelming as it used to be. It allows him to feel a bit more relaxed, he doesn't feel as tense anymore. He feels the weight of his past has been lessened. It hasn't been removed completely, but it's a more manageable feeling. He feels more willing to hangout with Perona than he used to, not that they really do a whole lot, but if she asks him to go somewhere with her he's more likely to agree as long as it isn't somewhere dreadful.

He's even allowed her to drag him to buy some 'cuter' clothes. But that was mostly because the shirt he ruined with blood ended up being one he really liked.

He's currently seated in some kind of clothing store, bored nearly to tears, waiting for his pink haired roommate to return from gathering up an armful of clothes for him to look through. Or if she has her way to try on. Which he doubts will be happening. Truthfully he doesn't care a whole lot about what he gets, he just wants something comfortable that can replace the one shirt and maybe a few others that have become threadbare. He might agree to some pants.

He spots pink moving towards him through racks of clothing and suddenly he has a pile of clothes sitting on his lap. He looks down at the pile then back up at Perona. "You're kidding."

"Just look through them. These are my favorites, and some stuff I thought you'd probably prefer but those are boring. So it's mostly my favorites."

"Why did I agree to this?"

"Because you promised me when we first met that I could get you new clothes."

"No. No I did not." He tries to remind himself that going out in public is healthy and that is the main purpose of being here. As well as replacing a few items of clothing. He sighs and picks up a few pieces on his lap. There are a few things in here that he wouldn't be caught dead in, but for the most part, he's not overly repulsed.

"Ok. So thinking back through the things you wear, which is like the same stupid shirt and sweats everyday, you need some real pants, a few nice shirts, and maybe a few nicer casual shirts because the one you have on now has stains on it." She pulls a face and stares at the stain on his chest.

He stares once again down at the intimidating pile on his lap and looks back up at her. He'll probably regret this, but, "Just pick some shit out."

Her face lights up. "Really?"

"Don't go overboard. I'm not in the mood to sift through this. If it'll get you off my back about how I dress, yeah really."

She pulls up another chair next to him and begins her decision making. She holds things up to him and tosses things to the side, tilts her head at him and pulls a face when something seems to not go well with his hair if her scowling at his head is anything to go by. The whole ordeal is taking longer than he would have liked, but he's using this as practice. He needs the practice of holding in his anger and frustration. And he needs to build up patience for people. He's been so out of touch with others that he doesn't have much patience anymore.

Any outing he has with Perona he has dubbed a part of his rehabilitation. And he's pretty sure she's caught on. At first when he agreed to go somewhere with her, she started inviting him everywhere. But he wouldn't agree unless it was something simple and easily escapable. Just something to ease himself into normality. Recently Perona has only been taking him out on simple excursions that remain relatively short a couple times a week. She keeps an eye on him and gages his comfort level. If she deems him to be too uncomfortable without him saying anything, then she takes him home. But she does it in a way that isn't obvious, and Zoro appreciates that. Well, sometimes she makes a scene, but Zoro thinks that more for her own enjoyment than being angry with him for wanting to go home. It never fails to make him want to crawl into a hole though, because everyone has to look at the upset ostentatiously dressed girl and her large green haired companion. And half the time he gets blamed for being a horrible boyfriend. To which he has to hold himself back from yelling that they're not dating. It doesn't always work out though.

"Please tell me you'll wear this?" He comes back from his thoughts and sees Perona holding up a dark blue button down covered with what looks like an undiscernible print barely visible. He stares at it for a moment. Maybe. If he had nothing else to wear. Where would he even wear a button down? "It's either this or this one." She holds up another shirt that is largely unreasonable and too brightly colored.

"If I have to choose, the blue." He looks at the other shirt like it offended him.

"Ok. Go try these on. These are the ones I want you to get."

"I'm not trying them on."

"But you have to, or you're going to get shirts that are too small."

He shakes his head at her. There's only so much he'll do.

"Ok. How about these two? Then we can go from there to make sure the others will fit?" When he makes no move to take the clothing from her, she pulls the face she makes when she's about to make a scene. It's a devilish little grin and she takes a breath.

"Ok, ok. Don't. I'll try on those two. Then we're leaving." He is already nearing his social quota for the day and he doesn't feel like being humiliated as well. Well, at least not more than necessary by being forced to try on some shirts.

He gets himself in the shirts, only for Perona to complain about them being too small and making him try on another size until she finds one that fits properly. Zoro throws the shirts that have been deemed acceptable at her to add to the pile and follows her unenthusiastically to the cashier.

"How much is all of this going to cost me?" He hadn't even thought about that before agreeing to letting her pick clothing. Though he did manage to look through her choices and most of it seems to be things he would wear if not slightly nicer than something he would have picked out himself.

Perona looks away. "I got it."

"What? No, you're not paying for all of this."

"It's fine. Don't worry about it." She quickly moves in front of him to pay for the clothes.

"Hold on a minute, no it's not." He tries to grab her card from her but he made it too late. The cashier looks between them with a questioning look.

"No, it is. I might have signed you up for something, and this is my way of apologizing for not asking."

He stares at her as she looks nervously back at him. "What did you do?"

She shrugs her shoulders. "I may have found a tournament in town for kendo and put your name in…" He just continues to stare at her. "It's in a few months, and I thought you could use it to keep your mind off things." She shifts uncomfortably under his gaze.

"You signed me up for what?" He heard her, but he's still a little shocked that she did that.

"You said you're a swordsman, and it seems like something your interested in that isn't alcohol or the couch." He continues to stare at her. "Look, you need something to do with yourself, and since you're obviously not looking for a job this is something you can do to occupy your time. Oh come on, what is so upsetting about this?" She uses his dumbstruck staring to her advantage and pays for his new clothes. "You've done these before right? I know you said you haven't practiced for a while but-"

"I actually haven't ever entered into a tournament."

"Oh. Isn't that what you do when you're a martial artist; compete?"

"Well yeah, but I was never able to compete." Competing costs money, something Zoro definitely did not have when he was actively practicing kendo. He was allowed to practice without paying, but there was only so much he would be given for free.

Perona's face falls a bit. "Are you not that good?"

"I didn't say that. I was the best in my class." He puffs himself up a bit. He may not actively train, but he is by no means 'not good'.

"Then why didn't you ever compete?" Perona finishes up her transaction and grabs the bags from the cashier. Zoro had been too distracted to keep her from paying. But now he doesn't feel quite so opposed to her doing so. She just signed him up for a tournament without his consent. Who does that?

"I didn't have much money when I was younger. Kept me from doing a lot of things." Really, it kept him from doing most anything, including eating regularly. He snatches a bag from her and heads towards the door. With any luck, Perona won't go digging about that.

He checks to make sure she's following him, and continues straight towards her car just far enough in front of her that she can't keep a conversation going, but close enough to yell at him when she thinks he's going to wrong way. Zoro doesn't seem to have a whole lot of luck these days, though. As soon as they both get in the car Perona is keen to continue talking.

"If you were so good, then why didn't they send you to compete anyways?"

Zoro internally groans. He doesn't want to get into this right now, but he's not sure he can escape it. "Because to compete you have to own things like bogū, kendogi, and hakama, as well as shinai. None of which I had. Or have." Seriously how is he supposed to compete. He has nothing besides his real swords which are not allowed, not to mention a terrible idea for him to have in public.

"Well we'll just have to get you some then. No one would let you borrow theirs?"

Zoro is sure someone would have let him borrow something, maybe, he's almost positive there were extras where he had learned, but- "You also need to have parental permission for a contact sport like that when you're young. Which I did not have."

"Your parents didn't want you to compete? But they let you learn. Why didn't they let you? I know you and your dad don't seem to get along, but that seems kind of cruel." Perona makes a face as she pulls out into the street to take them home.

Zoro laughs humorlessly under his breath as he speaks quietly. "That'd be about the least cruel thing he'd ever have done." He takes a breath as he braces himself for revealing more than he'd wanted to to Perona. "I actually didn't have contact with him growing up."

Perona looks to him quickly as she drives with a questioning look. "So your mom didn't want you to then?"

He's never really just talked about his mother before. Not that he remembers a whole lot about her, but his friends all either knew he didn't have parents growing up or knew he didn't like to talk about it. Or they were Sanji or Robin who knew the whole story, eventually, and never ever mentioned her. Zoro looks out the window as he prepares himself to respond. "She, uh, she died when I was little. So I don't know if she would have let me." He wonders briefly how she would have felt about him being a swordsman. From what he can remember of her he thinks she probably would have gone to every competition. This is the first casual conversation about his parents he thinks he's ever had, and surprisingly it isn't as hard as he had thought it would be.

"I'm sorry." Silence falls between them momentarily. "Wait, then who did you live with?"

This conversation he's had too many times. He thunks his head against the window. "I lived on my own."

"Really? Did you run away from home?" He keeps his gaze turned out the window to avoid her pitying looks. He doesn't know if she's giving him any kind of looks one way or another, but that's usually the response he gets.

"You could say that."

"When?"

He actually has an answer to that question now; when did he start to live alone. And he is really not looking forward to the conversation that might stem from it. He wonders if he can do it. He's not feeling anything building up that could be concerning right now, so he moves forward with a response. "When I was eight."

"What?" Perona slams on the breaks and turns to look at him. Zoro hit his head on the dashboard from the force of the sudden stop.

"Holy shit, Perona, some warning would be nice." He rubs at his forehead. He really needs to stop getting hit in the head.

"You're kidding, right? There's no way you were living by yourself at eight."

Zoro hears honking from the cars around them. "Yeah, I was eight. Now move the damn car."

She turns back to face frontwards and the car begins to move again. "Why did you run away at eight? How did you even manage that?"

"It's a long story." That part he's not so sure he can recount without something rising up.

"We have some time before we're home."

Zoro sighs. "It's not something I really want to talk about."

They hit a red light and Perona looks over to him once again but this time she seems to be studying him. Like she's trying to figure something out. She seems to have figured out whatever it was because she nods and turns back to the wheel. "I understand."

The remainder of the drive home consists of Perona filling the silence with meaningless chattering and her weird music.

-:-

To Perona's delight, her grumpy roommate seems to have reluctantly agreed to participate in the tournament. The following days after she broke the news to him he had asked to borrow her laptop and as she watched from over his shoulder, she could see him researching the competition and where to buy the things he needed.

She also heard him moving furniture around in his room and when she went to see what the hell he was doing he had a sword in his hand and was going through different movements with it. His pushed his bed up completely against a wall and he had even piled a few things on top of it to make sure he had enough room for whatever it is he's doing.

"What are you doing?"

He never takes his eye off of the spot he's focusing on. "Practicing." She watches him for a few moments until his grip increased on the sword and his jaw muscled flexed. He seems to be trying to not turn towards her. "Would you get out of here?" She huffs and turns away, but she doesn't get far before he shouts something else to her. "Can you close the door when you go?"

"Fine." She doesn't know what his deal is. He seemed perfectly relaxed doing whatever it is practicing swordsmanship entails, up until he really noticed she was there. Maybe he's really not as good as he says. Or maybe he's afraid she'll get hit with his sword. It looks pretty sharp. He did manage to embed it into her dresser after all, who knows what it would do to her. Though he looked more like he wanted to cut her, not afraid he might cut her if how tense he had gotten from her presence was anything to go by. He was pointedly not looking at her. Maybe she should keep out of his way when he's doing that. God, why does she live with such a weirdo?

She mentally pats herself on the back for getting Zoro to do something constructive with his time. This was exactly what she had in mind when she signed him up. He's been moping around less, and his spot on the couch has been more often vacant than occupied with his big stupid frame. And her trash seems to be consisting of less alcohol bottles than it used to. He still drinks, she's not naïve enough to think that'll just go away so quickly or easily, but he's mostly reserved it to night time after he's finished his new routine for the day. She hopes he keeps up with that.

Dinner time rolls around and she can still hear Zoro grunting from exertion through his door. Did he even eat lunch? He's been so focused all day she's pretty sure he forgot. Well, he's going to eat dinner. She heads back over to his room and slowly opens it. He's currently going through a vigorous round of push ups.

When Perona had mentioned him getting back into working out more often, this isn't quite what she had pictured. This man either really needed something to distract himself, or he's crazy. Maybe both.

"Hey, you want to order take out or something?"

He just grunts in response.

"Is that a yes or a no?"

He does a few more up and downs and then pushes himself into a sitting position. "Sure." Then he looks to her quizzically. "What time is it?"

"Like seven or something."

"Are you serious?" He grabs his phone to confirm that it is indeed past seven at night.  
"Shit."

Zoro pushes himself up and follows Perona to the living area where she watches him continue into the kitchen. She sees him stop at the counter and stare hard at a bottle of whiskey as if contemplating it. He grabs a cup and fills it with water instead. She is mildly shocked that he forwent the alcohol.

Then any shock that she had was doused by him grabbing the bottle after another glass of water. Well, he did drink some water after sweating it all out. And she's pretty sure this is maybe the first or second drink he's had all day. So that's something. Baby steps.

Speaking of baby steps, she is slowly learning more about the green haired man. She is still stunned by the new information she received from Zoro. He lived alone at eight years old? She is completely floored by the thought of that. She can't imagine what kind of circumstances would garner such a lifestyle. Though, after hearing about it and noticing Zoro's heavy discomfort in speaking more on the topic, she thinks she can put two and two together. He had mentioned he has PTSD. And he has a lot of other issues besides. She is pretty damn sure something majorly traumatic happened to him at a very young age. And she has a vague feeling it has something to do with the man Zoro had a physical fight with at the hospital. She knows better than to ask about it though. If it was something so bad as to affect Zoro even now, then it's not something she really wants to make him relive by talking about it. She feels like she understands why he is the way he is a little better now.

The doorbell draws her out of her musings and she hops up off the couch to answer it for their dinner. Zoro doesn't seem like he's moving anytime soon. His lifestyle hasn't changed a whole lot if he isn't working out or training. He's still the big lazy sloth man that he's always been.

She places the pizzas they ordered down on the coffee table and Zoro grabs two slices at once. She's noticed he's been eating a lot more since he had started being more active. It's a good sign, even if he does forget to eat lunch every now and then.


	47. Chapter 47

**A/N: I apologize for the long wait between updates here, guys! I've been super busy, but dying to write another chapter. I had so much more I wanted to put into this one, but it just didn't end up coming together the way I originally thought it would. Enjoy!**

Zoro finishes up his daily routine. It takes up nearly most of his day, and that is perfectly fine by him. Perona has been making sure that he eats something around lunch time, whether she braves talking to him while he's training or leaves something just inside the door. He appreciates the thoughtfulness behind the gesture. He pushes himself up into a sitting position and closes his eye. He's taken to meditation again. He remembers how well it had fared for him when he had practiced almost every day and he can't remember exactly why he had stopped. Probably something about being deep in depression and nothing could pull him out of his own misery short of an explosive fight with the cook that ended with their break up.

As much as he hates to admit it, Zoro can't deny that Perona did a good thing in signing him up for that tournament. It has kept his mind in better places for most of the day while he trains. The exertion and concentration that he puts into feeling the burn of his muscles as he pushes himself harder and harder leaves little room for anything else to push its way into his thoughts. Though once he's finished for the day, he feels the weight of his past shove its way back in. Which always leads to him draining a few bottles.

He's been thinking a lot about what happened with the cook as well. He doesn't like how they ended their last encounter, but at this point he can't do a whole lot about it. The damage has been done, and it can't be fixed until one of them is able to understand where the other is coming from. Zoro has been trying to figure out why exactly Sanji had been so pissed at him for feeling the rush after a kill. He understands that it must have been extremely off putting to witness, but he still can't wrap his head around why the cook was so adamant in not accepting his reasons for doing it.

He slowly pulls himself out of his meditative state and reaches for the closest dry object which happens to be a pair of sweats. He shrugs and wipes his torso down with them. His sweat is beginning to chill him as it dries. Zoro finds himself absentmindedly tracing over the massive scar that bisects his body. He usually tries to avoid it as it reminds him of his own mortality; he had been nearly killed and so easily. It feels like a lifetime ago that the mark on his body was left there permanently. He looks down at himself and his eye traces over all the scars that have been etched into his skin. Some that were left with terrible memories, others he can't remember where the hell they had come from. Some he had left himself. His body is like a topographical map of where he's been in his life.

The more he stares at his body the more he can understand why the cook has always been so worried for him. A good amount of the marks were left while the cook was a large part of his life. Most prominently, the one that bothers him the most. It had always bothered Sanji as well. He was the one who had to get Zoro put back together; Sanji was left with the task of physically holding together Zoro's life with his hands until he could figure out how to fix him. The following year was almost the exact same situation, except instead of Zoro's body, it had been his mentality. He realizes just how broken he's been, and just how bad it had really gotten. He makes a promise to himself right then and there. He will get better. And all of these marks on his skin will be marks of pride, marks that he was able to overcome something that had weighed him down for so long. They will be proof that he can overcome anything.

He knows it won't be easy, but he's not going to try any longer, he is going to do.

-:-

It's getting closer to the date of Zoro's tournament, and Perona has been really proud of the progress he's made. Both physically and mentally. Physically, the man is basically a wall now. She's pretty sure he could lift their couch with one arm and move the refrigerator across the kitchen at the same time. Maybe she should get him to rearrange the furniture…

Mentally, Zoro has seemed to have less depressive spells, at least outwardly. They do happen, but they are not nearly as debilitating as they used to seem and they occur less frequently.

Which is why she is so shocked to find the man slumped across the couch with a bottle in his hand and another emptied on the floor. He's still quite a heavy drinker, but it's the middle of the day. Zoro is usually holed up in his room tirelessly going through his daily whatevers that he does in there at this time and saving the drinking for after. It's been over a month since she's seen him do this. She is suddenly very worried that something has happened. Perona really hopes that it's not something that will cause any major set backs for him.

She approaches the couch and nudges his legs. He looks up at her and pulls his legs back so she has room to sit. She places her forearm across his knees and leans her chin on her arm to look over his legs.

"Well, you look depressed." She's noticed he would rather her be straight forward with him instead of dancing around the topic until she can get some kind of information from him about how he's feeling.

He glances up at her after taking a pull from his bottle. "More so than usual?"

"More so than recently." It's been pretty rare to see Zoro without much motivation to do a whole lot in the past month. She supposes he's due for this behavior though. It's not like he's suddenly going to be all better just because he has something to work towards. The mind doesn't work like that.

He hums in thought and sighs. "Yeah."

"What's going on?"

He looks off to the side in thought. Perhaps deciding whether or not he really wants to talk about what's going through his head. "Just thinking too much."

"You want to talk about it?" She really doesn't expect a positive answer, but hell she may as well ask.

He gives her a deadpanned look. "What do you think."

She stares back down at him for a few moments. "Yes?"

He scoffs at her and rolls to his side dislodging her armrest while extending his legs over her. She shoves them off and he nearly falls off the couch. "Well if I did before, I definitely don't now."

"Oh, come on Zoro. Talking about stuff like this helps."

"Not in my experience."

He pulls his legs back up on the couch and curls himself into as much of a ball as possible for a man his size to accommodate for Perona sharing the couch with him.

"Have you ever talked about it?"

Zoro sighs and looks a bit contemplative. "Yeah." He closes his eye tightly presumably remembering when that happened. "I don't know if I could ever do it again."

"Do you want to try?" Perona really thinks that if this idiot would just not be so walled off from other people then he wouldn't be so bad off. He's placing the entire burden of whatever this is on himself and not allowing anyone to help him. He seemed to have let Sanji in a bit, and Perona assumes he was let in on what is happening in Zoro's mind. She doesn't think he needs to go into great detail, just… just even talking about what he's thinking or feeling might help. He doesn't seem to know what to do with what he's feeling when he's like this.

"I don't know." His answer surprised her. She expects nothing more than a negative response to questions relating to his past or feelings. But he's not saying no. He's actually considering it. She waits silently to see if he leans one way or another after thinking it over for a little. "I mean… I know I probably should. I just…" His grip on the liquor bottle whites his knuckles and Perona is afraid for a moment that he might snap the neck off of it. He takes a deep breath and relaxes his hand again. When he speaks, it's with a very quiet voice. "I'm afraid of what will happen if I do."

Perona watches as he manages to take a sip from his bottle as he awkwardly brings his arm to his face. He's really not laying in the most convenient position for binge drinking. She spies a little of the liquid miss his mouth and trail down his cheek, but he's too distracted by his thoughts to notice.

"What'll happen if you do?"

He shakes his head. "I don't know."

After living with Zoro for a few months, she is well aware of how prone he is to violent streaks. And she can't help but wonder if this may be a moment that could trigger that for him. If that's why he's afraid to talk about any of this because he's not sure if that will happen or not.

"Do you trust yourself?"

That question takes a lot longer for Zoro to come up with an answer to. He seems to really be thinking hard about it. He stares at the blank TV screen for a good three minutes before uttering a response. "I think so."

"Well, then do you want to try? If you get uncomfortable you can stop. I don't want to push you, but I really think this will help." She gently places a hand on his ankle in attempt of a supportive gesture. She's not sure if it's more awkward or supportive though, so she retracts her hand.

"I wouldn't even know where to begin."

Perona tries to keep the excitement off of her features, she holds in the smile that she can feel creeping onto her face. Is Zoro actually going to do this? She feels somewhat proud of the green haired idiot. He's come a long way to be able to even think about talking about this. When she first ran into him here, he would hardly speak full sentences to her. "Maybe with whatever's bothering you the most right now?"

"The problem is it's all related in some way. It all leads back to the same thing." He pauses to rub a hand over his face. "And there are some things I really probably shouldn't even talk about."

Perona bites her lip. She has an idea of what it all leads back to: the reason he was on his own at such an unreasonably young age. She contemplates whether or not she should press further. She settles on not posing her next sentence as a question. She wouldn't be asking him to answer, just stating something. "So what bothers you the most is what connects everything."

He grunts in affirmation. The next move is his. If he wants to go further he can, and if he's not comfortable with talking any more about this Perona will not be upset.

Zoro's somber voice almost made Perona jump. He was silent for so long she thought he had changed his mind about talking. "When I was little, I had a real family. I even had a sister." She looks over to him and watches his face as he recounts a very personal part of himself. His blind side is facing her though, so she can't see his eye. She's a little thankful for that; she has a feeling this is going to be very emotional for him. "I didn't know who they were though for a long time. I just found out within the last year that I even had a family." She looks to him quizzically but doesn't ask about that. Maybe he'll explain about that later. He did say everything is all related. "It was weird to think about. I mean I spent my entire life thinking I had no one. And then all of a sudden I do." He stops to take a breath. "It's no use thinking of them like that though, I hardly knew them and now they're all gone, so." Zoro turns his head just enough so that he can see her. "Do you really want to hear about all of this? It's not really an uplifting story."

She huffs a laugh at him. "I wasn't really expecting it to be. But I want to hear whatever you're comfortable telling me. You don't have to do any of this if you don't want to."

He nods and heaves a heavy sigh. "I'll skip out on a bunch of shit then. There really are some things you're better off not knowing." Perona watches him carefully as he pieces together what he wants to say. He looks to be deeply concentrated on figuring out what parts of his story he wants to tell her. "You know I hate my father right?"

"That was easy enough to guess, yeah."

"Well, he's the reason I left when I was little." She didn't want to say it, but she just nods to herself because she had totally figured that out already. "He was a horrible father. He would… he beat me a lot." He glances over quickly at Perona, but doesn't keep her gaze for long. "And you know how I told you my mother died when I was younger?"

Perona nods again, but she realizes he can't see her so she voices a small, "Yeah."

"Uh…" Zoro looks instantly stressed about the topic. This is the part that he has trouble talking about then. He grips the couch cushion that his hand had been resting on for support. "She and my sister… they, uh…" He lets go of the couch and grabs at his short hair.

"Zoro… You don't have to do this." She can see how badly it pains him to talk about this.

"No, I do. I have to say it." He seems to realize he's still holding a bottle of whiskey and raises up on his arm to get a proper drink from it before continuing. As she observes him, Perona isn't sure if he's more afraid that he will turn violent or if he will be overly emotional when he gets this out. Maybe the two feelings are very similar for him. Or maybe he becomes violent when he's over emotional. "My dad… no he's not my fucking dad. He's just some asshole who happened to father me." He snarls in hatred. Maybe he will get violent after all. "He-" Zoro takes in what she presumes is supposed to be a calming breath and breathes it back out. "Killed them." The bottle that Perona had been watching be precariously squeezed in Zoro's powerful hand finally had enough and shattered spilling liquid all over the floor. Zoro belatedly notices and slowly opens his hand to find two large pieces of glass embedded in his palm. His blood is mixing with the alcohol on the floor.

Perona quickly jumps off the couch. "Oh my god, Zoro, don't touch it, hang on." She heads to the kitchen to grab a mop, some towels and possibly a first aid kit if she can find it. She heads back over to Zoro with most of the supplies she got up for only to hear grunts and the sound of glass hitting the floor. He took out the fucking glass didn't he? "Did I not tell you to leave that alone? You're going to bleed all over the place!"

Zoro had sat up on the couch by now and is staring at his hand. He looks almost entranced. She pauses next to him for a moment thinking he may do something to help himself, but when he doesn't she grabs his arm and pulls him over to the sink.

"Here idiot. Clean off your hand then wrap this around it." She hands him a dishtowel after turning the water on for him.

Zoro seems to come back to his senses and washes the blood away from his wounds. From the look of it, he should probably get some stitches. But she highly doubts she can talk him into doing that. She hopes she has enough bandages to keep his hand from getting blood everywhere.

Now that the stupid green headed loser isn't bleeding all over her couch, she can concentrate on what he said before shattering that bottle. Now it's her turn to stare dumbly. Holy shit. No wonder Zoro is so fucked up.

While he cleans up, Perona busies herself with wiping up the mess on the floor. She pushes around the liquid and glass while she continues thinking about Zoro's last spoken words. There is no way she is making him talk about his problems again if that is the kind of problems he has. Unless he brings it up on his own, she is not pressing the issue.

Once both messes have been dealt with and Zoro has been bandaged to the best of both of their abilities, Perona shoves Zoro back over to the couch. He still seems pretty sullen. He didn't even put up a fight at being bandaged, and Perona knows she is not the most skilled in that area; it can't have been fun.

She really hopes he's not sitting there reflecting on that incident from his past. She would feel terrible if she had brought that on him because she had asked. But perhaps that was what he had been thinking about already before she even walked into the room.

She has an idea.

She heads back to her room and grabs something for Zoro. "Here."

He looks up slowly at what she's holding out to him. "What is that?"

"It's Kumashi. He always makes me feel better. I thought maybe you'd like to hang onto him for a bit." She places the stuffed bear on Zoro's lap and sits next to him. She turns the TV on and flips through the channels in attempt to make everything seem normal. She catches Zoro slowly take the bear into his hands and inspect it. She comes across a movie that she had been literally dying to watch and settles in, trying to ignore the adorable way Zoro is trying to find the best way to hold the bear while still looking somewhat manly.

She fell asleep somewhere in near the end of the movie, but what she wakes up to makes up for missing the ending. She looks over to Zoro's side of the couch and he's dead asleep while snuggled up to Kumashi with both arms clutching the bear to his chest.

Perona smiles. She knew that would help.

She also makes sure to get a picture to use against him later.

-:-

Zoro always hates when Perona is right. And she's been right too often lately. It's pissing him off.

She was right about signing him up for that tournament. And he might even be looking forward to it now. It's only about two weeks away now, and Zoro is furiously preparing himself for it.

She was also right about talking. There is absolutely no reason why talking about horrible and painful things would make him feel better, but it did. It bothers him that he knows he should talk about it; he's been told he needs to talk about it. Robin had mentioned that being a good way to get passed it all. But he never thought he would really end up telling anyone else about it. Ever since he promised himself he was going to get better, and he really fucking means it this time, he's found himself doing things that he either knows he should do or others have told him he needs to do more often.

He is very thankful that after he opened up to Perona about his family he shattered that bottle. The glass digging into his skin and the flow of blood stopped anything that may have been building inside of him. His hand hurts like a bitch now, but at least it's his hand and not Perona. It's made training a little more difficult, but he's decided to use it as another type of training.

Zoro will begrudgingly admit this last thing but not to Perona's face ever. She was also right about that stupid bear. Why it had any power over him is beyond Zoro, but for some ridiculous reason it had actually helped. He woke up holding the bear tight against himself and immediately when he realized it the bear ended up on the other side of the room.


	48. Chapter 48

**A/N: Next chapter is finally ready! Thanks to everyone who reads and reviews. It's appreciated immensely and it definitely helps me get my ass in gear and get the next chapters out.**

The tournament is only a week away. Zoro feels pretty damn prepared to win. He's been training nonstop for months. He's gotten himself immersed in practicing kendo, practicing everything he remembers and looking up anything he happened to forget. He's just as good as he remembers. All he has to do is not get any urge to use his sword to beat the shit out of anyone. That's the only thing he's worried about.

Perona had told him that if he wins he gets a cash prize, which is something he could most definitely use. He's racked up a bill from the hospital, living at Perona's, and totaling his bike. And he would really like to get a new bike. He's dead set on winning; even if he didn't have the cash as an incentive he wants to win. He's not someone to lose in a competition like this.

He's gone through his katas countless times, he's bought the necessary equipment to compete, he's built himself up more than necessary to be strong enough to win, both mentally and physically. He's meditated everyday to keep himself in mental stability. He wants to be sure he will be prepared, and he wants to be sure that he won't commit any excessive beatings during the competition. He doesn't need to be given any penalties or show his true feelings towards living beings. He really fucking hopes he doesn't end up going overboard.

He has had his off days, but he's been in a good place for the most part. Only a few days have given him grief. Lately his grief comes from realizing that he fucked everything up with the cook. He would rather think about that than everything else. It gets him into a less depressive state and it's easier to control. If he ever feels any ill thoughts coming on, he tries to refocus his thoughts there. It's a shit feeling, but it's something he can handle since he had pretty much left everything knowing that he may not ever see Sanji again. And it's powerful enough to keep the other thoughts at bay.

He only allows himself to drink after he's accomplished his training for the day. He knows he's a goddamn alcoholic and he's doing what he can do remedy it. Zoro isn't sure if he will be able to ever let the alcohol go, but he can try to control his intake when he needs it. Or at least have it only in the evenings. Maybe.

It really depends on the day.

But he's been pretty good about it, and he can tell that Perona has noticed and has been proud of him in her own way.

Having someone else have some input on his life is a big help to him. Especially if they don't know why he is the way he is. Perona doesn't know everything about him, she only is aware of a small part of his life. The bit she knows is a pretty large part of who he is and what he is, she doesn't know that though. Her support in his life is still a very positive influence even if she doesn't know the whole story. Her support is almost more helpful since she doesn't know everything. She's not trying to make it better, she's not trying to be there for every little thing. She's just there if he needs her.

He really wishes he had realized that his friends would have done the same for him. But he had pushed them away and only made himself worse.

He appreciated everything Sanji had done for him. He loves everything Sanji had done for him. He appreciates him immensely, and he was definitely the best thing that had ever happened to Zoro in his entire life. But he has seen that having someone like Perona is almost healthier in a way for him to get better.

It was great having someone understand and know what he was going through. Even though Sanji was unable to understand completely. He was never quite able to fully understand what Zoro was thinking or feeling, but he understood to an extent. And that made him feel normal in a way. Having someone know what was happening helped make him feel more normal.

But as normal as the cook made him feel, he never was able to progress. Not in the way he wanted to.

Maybe he is able to progress now because he is allowing himself to. Maybe he just held himself back in the comfort of having someone else there for him. He's not sure. But he at least knows at this point he seems to have made the right decision in leaving everything behind to better himself.

He feels like he's making more progress in the right direction now. Sanji helped him in many different ways than Perona has, but he was never able to reach the state he is now. But perhaps he has reached that because he made the decision to do so on his own. He had never really forced himself to improve before now. But he is definitely seeing a difference in himself.

Today he's decided he wants to talk a little more about himself with Perona. Getting out the first big blow of information about himself was hard, but it did seem to lift some of the weight he's been carrying around. He's promised himself he's going to improve, and he's pretty damn sure that the more he talks about all of this, the easier it will be. He'll be able to come to terms with himself and what's happened to him, and what has been happening to him. And it should help keep him from doing anything that could make trouble at the tournament that is coming up if this works in his favor.

He heads out of his room after his daily routine and makes a stop in the kitchen. He grabs a bottle as he usually would and once he realized that Perona is not in the living room, he directs himself towards her room. Zoro knocks on her door softly and once he hears her tell him to come in, he opens the door.

"Hey." She glances up momentarily from the laptop that's sitting on her lap before returning her attention to it.

"Hey." Zoro stands awkwardly in the doorway leaning against the door frame. He wants to talk, but he really doesn't know how to start. Anytime he's wanted to talk about something, it was usually with Nami and she always knew when he wanted to. He never really had to say anything to her about it. Most of the time she would direct the conversation so he could get out whatever it is he wanted to say. Anytime he's tasked with an interaction that he has to initiate he gets really uncomfortable. His past inability to converse with people is pushing its way back out and Zoro ends up just staring at Perona as he stands half inside the room.

Perona looks back to him again. "What's up?"

"Uh, I uh…" He glances away from her gaze; she's got an expression on that is urging him to just spit it out. Shit why he is such an awkward person when it comes to a simple conversation? He looks back to her and she looks a little more thoughtful if not worried. "Can we talk?" He sighs, that sounds so dramatic and dumb. He sounds like he's going to break some bad news to her.

"Of course. Come here." She pats the space next to her to invite him in and he slowly pushes himself away from the door frame and over to the bed. "What's on your mind?"

He hasn't felt like this for quite some time. The social anxiety of talking to others that he used to get all the time had more or less faded away, at least it hadn't been nearly as bad as it used to be. But now it seems to have come back. Which is stupid, he's been around Perona for months now; they live together and she's mainly the only person he even talks to.

Zoro looks down at his hands and traces the new scar tissue on his hand that he acquired the previous week when they last talked about his past. It's almost completely healed now.

He hears Perona close her laptop and place it to the side. He can feel her move a little closer to him before she speaks. "You want to talk about that? About… what happened to you?"

He nods as he continues to follow the lines on his hand. "Yeah. But uh, I'm really not that great at talking. Especially about stuff like that." He pauses and figures this could be a pretty good segue into the topic of conversation. He laughs softly to himself about his own misfortune of a life. "I suck so badly at talking because I never really had anyone to talk to when I was younger. I don't think I even had a friend until I was about twenty-one."

"I've never really had a lot of friends in my life either." He glances over to her and Perona seems to be thinking back to her own past. "I know it's not the same as how you grew up, but I never really had any one place that was home. We moved around a lot. Anytime I'd start to get comfortable in one place, it was time to pack up and go somewhere else. It wasn't a lifestyle that allowed much for keeping friends. And the man I lived with wasn't there a lot. My parents died when I was young too, and I grew up with a family friend. But he had to move a lot for work; he was busy a lot so I was left to my own devices more often than not."

Zoro watches as she recounts her life. He didn't realize they had quite so much in common; neither had a real home nor a consistent adult presence in their lives. She clearly turned out a lot better than Zoro did, but she's still going to have some kind of issues relating to that kind of up bringing. He doesn't know how he keeps running into people that are able to understand him so well, but he's glad he does, he's lucky in that regard. And that's about the only luck he's ever had.

"I can't imagine not having any kind of family though."

"It wasn't so bad. Especially since I didn't know anything else, and I didn't even know I was missing them until the past year."

"I remember you mentioning that. So, you didn't know you had a family?"

Zoro shakes his head. "No. Apparently after what happened, I made myself forget. It's been pretty painful even now, I don't even want to think about what it felt like when I was that young." He closes his eye and takes a deep breath to let it out slowly. He knows he needs to talk about all of this. And the more he does it, the less it will affect him. He can feel Perona place a hand on his back and he flinches away from it. "No, don't." Zoro knows too well what he is capable of when he starts feeling like this and he doesn't need Perona to get hurt. It's probably better if she doesn't touch him in case something gets provoked. He needs to ease himself into this. She's pulls her hand away as he places a hand of his own on his face to try to push away whatever he's feeling. "It's probably better if you don't touch me right now."

She's silent for a moment and Zoro can feel her thinking. She eventually speaks in a quiet voice. "Did he do anything else to you…?"

"No. No nothing like that." He can tell where her thoughts are going, but that is not the reason he's not ok with her touch. It's nothing like that. "You know when I get really hard to be around? When I get… violent?" She makes an acknowledging noise. "It's really better that you just don't touch me."

"Are you feeling like that now?"

He rubs his hand over his face. "A bit. But it'll pass." He cradles his head between his hands and just breathes. He really wishes this was easier, but that's the point of what he's doing. He will make it easier as he talks about it. Zoro really hates how easily this seems to be set off now and he is determined to fix that. He's kept everything bottled up for too long, and he's realized it's time to start letting some of it go. Perona seems to realize that he needs a moment and remains silent as he reins himself in.

He blocks everything out, ignoring the fact that Perona is sitting right next to him. He focuses on pushing away this feeling that he has grown so used to but loathes so much. He twists his fingers into his hair and pulls at it slightly to keep himself grounded; he really doesn't want to lose himself right now. He concentrates on the rhythmic sound of his breathing while he tries to keep it steady as the ugly sensation gnaws at his thoughts.

Once he appears he has himself more or less together, she speaks again. "So… what is that that happens to you?"

Zoro sighs. He's so tired of even trying to explain it to himself. He's tried to explain it to Sanji and Robin but he's pretty sure neither of them even quite understand exactly what he's feeling. He doesn't know how he would explain it to Perona without divulging everything. But he's going to have to figure something out since he doesn't really want to get into everything right now. He's not so sure he wants to ever get into all of that with Perona. "I got myself mixed up in some shady business. For a long time. I didn't really have much of a choice. It got me off the streets, so I thought it'd be a good idea. But, uh, it fucked me up. Really badly. And it only made everything worse." He knows he's being really vague but that's all he can tell her right now. He's not about to tell her about the countless people he's killed in cold blood while enjoying it. "This is, uh, some remnants of that I guess. And of what happened when I was a kid. It's just better if you don't touch me in case something happens."

"What would happen?" She sounds a little apprehensive to ask. He feels a little apprehensive about telling her, but he probably should tell her something on the off chance that he isn't able to keep himself under control properly.

"If I can't keep myself together, I could hurt you. Badly. And I don't want to do that."

"And that happens every time you talk about this?"

He nods. "I'm trying to… desensitize myself to it all. I know the more I talk about it the less it'll affect me. And I never talk about it." He remembers belatedly that he had brought in a bottle with him and reaches next to him, he pours a generous amount into his mouth and swallows.

"This is why you drink isn't it?"

He hangs his head a bit while he nods slowly. "Yeah. The reason evolved over the years, but yeah. The things I'm feeling… the more I drink the easier it is to not feel it. If I'm wasted I can't… it's harder to focus on it."

Perona watches him for a moment before speaking again. "If you can't explain without any… problems, you don't have to, but what happened to you as a kid and whatever got you off the street… you said they both affect you the same? How does that work…?"

"If I knew how any of this worked it wouldn't be a problem." He leans his head into one of his hands. "No, I do know how this works. I just don't know how to make it stop." Zoro glances over to Perona. She's looking at him intently, most likely trying to understand what the hell he's even talking about. "It would be so much easier if I could just explain everything to you. But that's not going to fucking happen."

"Because if you do that, you'd probably end up hurting me?"

He huffs a humorless laugh. "Well probably. But you really don't want to know everything about me." Sanji knows everything now, and Zoro is pretty damn sure he doesn't want a whole lot to do with him anymore. He can't imagine what Perona would think if he divulged even a little of it. They haven't known each other that long, and she's not in love with him like Sanji was. Zoro is sure that the way Sanji had felt about him prior to gaining that knowledge about Zoro had a lot to do with why he was able to accept it so well. That is until recently.

He's brought out of his thoughts by the sound of Perona's voice. "What could you possibly tell me that would scare me away so easily? You going to tell me you're a serial killer or something and that you prey on cute unsuspecting girls?"

He rolls his eye at her. "Not quite." But damn close.

"Good. I have a feeling if that were true, you wouldn't have waited around so long to kill me."

He glances to her out of the corner of his eye. "Who says you even fit under that category?" She makes an offended noise and throws a pillow at him. "Hey! Watch the liquor. Unless you want this all over your bed and the task of squeezing it back into the bottle."

"Gross, would you seriously still drink it after that?" He pauses his movement of bringing the bottle back to his mouth momentarily to consider the idea, then shrugs to suggest that it'd be a possibility. "You are so weird. And that only solidifies how much of an alcoholic you are. I actually feel a little concerned for you."

"You say that as if you didn't know that before." He punctuates his utterance with a nice long swig of whiskey.

Their conversation dies down and they both sit beside each other in silence. Zoro can hear the sound of a clock ticking and the soft swish of liquid as he continues drinking. This hasn't been quite as bad as he had expected. He knows he needs to divulge a bit more about his life if he's going to improve his mentality at all, but this is a good step in the right direction. He's managed to talk about the most traumatic event of his life without going off the deep end, and vaguely about his bloodthirsty mental issues. Overall he counts these last few encounters with his pink haired room mate a success. He contemplates getting up to shower off the day's sweat that he had accumulated from his intensive workout earlier, but Perona catches his attention before he can get up. He glances over to her, and she has a serious expression on her face; she's thinking hard about something. She takes a breath and speaks.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Have you ever- I mean, you said earlier you could hurt me badly, and that would happen if you can't keep yourself under control. Have you ever… lost control and…" This conversation just got extremely uncomfortable. Perona's voice drops to almost a whisper. "Have you ever killed anyone?"

Zoro sighs heavily. That is not the question he wanted her to ask, or expected to ever hear from her. He can feel his face contort into that disturbing expression he knows he has and does is best to keep from turning to look straight at her. "I told you, you don't want to know everything about me."

He watches her out of the corner of his eye. He can't read her expression right now; her face hasn't changed since she asked the question. It's obvious that he's guilty of murder by choosing not to answer the question, but he has no idea what she's thinking. Before she can say anything more, he shoves himself off the bed and exits her room. He's not proud of the things he's done, and he had made up his mind to not tell her about all of that. Why the fuck did she have to go there. He makes it back to his room and deliberately places the bottle onto his nightstand so he doesn't feel the urge to throw it against his wall. He's done that way too many times out of anger and frustration.

He really hopes this hasn't just ruined every good thing he had going for him. Why does his past and stupid decisions keep fucking up every relationship he's ever had?

-:-

Over the next week, Zoro avoids Perona as much as he possibly can. Maybe if he doesn't see her, he can avoid any looks of fear directed at himself or unwanted conversations. He holes up in his room and doubles up on his training routine, working himself to exhaustion almost every night. He needs to keep his mind clear of any ill thoughts as the week progresses. He is not having any incidents at the competition; he wants to win and he can't do that by being disqualified or accidentally shoving a pole through someone's torso.

His limbs are tired and sore constantly, but it's a good thing. They're a distraction, and the pain lets him know that his efforts are paying off. He's becoming stronger for his upcoming tournament.

The night before, he figures he should take it easy in regards to training. He doesn't need to be exhausted or overly sore. He does manage to indulge quite a bit in the alcohol since he doesn't have his extensive routine to follow and keep his mind from dwelling on ill thoughts.

He registers that someone is shaking him. His eye is closed and he's definitely laying down. He must have fallen asleep. He feels something cool and wet drip on his face and hears that high pitched voice that he's been avoiding for a week. Zoro tries to pull himself out of sleep to protest her bothering him, but once he's awake he can actually hear what she's saying.

"-you idiot! You have to leave! You need to be there in like thirty minutes! What the hell are you doing in bed! Get the fuck up!"

He opens his eye to see her bent over his bed with a mix of anger and anxiety coloring her features and a cup of water in her hand that looks like she's about to pour on his head. "What time is it?"

"Way past time for you to be awake. Why am I not even surprised that you over slept because you drank yourself to sleep last night? You reek of alcohol! You need to clean your ass up or they probably won't even let you compete. Get up already!" She shoves him hard in the side and attempts to roll him off the bed.

He rolls over and out of bed. "Alright. I'm up, I'm up." He stands on the other side of the bed and stares at Perona. She doesn't seem phased by him even though their last conversation was basically Zoro's admission to murder. He's been avoiding her all week because he thought she wouldn't want to see him, but here she is throwing him out of bed and rushing him out the door like nothing even happened.

"Why are you standing there! Losers aren't cute, and you're not going to be a loser just because you didn't show up on time. Get your ass in the shower!" She throws one of his pillows at him and he figures he'll have to contemplate on her behaviors later.

She's absolutely right, he needs to get himself ready. He looks at the clock on his nightstand. Shit, he better not have to find the place himself or he'll never make it. Zoro pulls himself together and scrambles into the bathroom, jumps in the shower with his toothbrush and realizes he hasn't even turned the water on. He shouts as he stupidly turns the water directly onto himself without even allowing it to warm up then grabs the first things he sees to wash himself with. He hardly even dries himself off before returning to his room to dress and grab everything he needs as Perona whisks him out the door and into her car.

He's got a tournament to win.


	49. Chapter 49

**A/N:** **I promise I haven't forgotten about this and I apologize for my ridiculous time between posting. I swear I had half of this written, and then my life got crazy.**

 **Not too proud of the beginning of the second half of this chapter. I don't know that much about competing in a kendo competition so, don't hate me for my lack of details in there.**

 **This chapter is a bit longer than normal so hopefully that will make up for the shit competition and being extremely late. :)**

When Sanji arrived home after his trip to see the moss, he wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel.

Zoro really freaked him out. It was weird seeing him so perfectly content like that. Sanji had never seen him act like that before, and to realize what had made him feel like that… Sanji himself had never been able to make the man feel that way and he was supposed to be everything to Zoro. He had been there for everything; he had done everything he could to make the other man happy or at least comfortable in his own skin as much as possible while he was struggling with his internal battle. But finally being able to comprehend just how much Zoro is not right in the head really made him wonder if he had even done the right thing in staying by him for so long.

Was everything he had tried to do been for nothing?

Is Zoro too far gone for anything Sanji had done to have had any effect?

The entire trip home, Sanji couldn't help but think about how disappointed in Zoro he was. The man had been agonizing over the thoughts that plagued him, but in the end he succumbed to them. And he let himself enjoy it.

He can still recall the look on his face, and the contentment in his eye when he walked through the door. He was like a completely different person. And it wasn't the Zoro he knew.

The Zoro he knew didn't want to kill. He didn't want to feel whatever disgusting thing it is he feels post kill, and Sanji can clearly see why now; it's not right. The last night he saw Zoro before he left, he had come to him in desperation because he _did not_ want to do anything brash, he _did not_ want to follow through on his unrelenting desire to off his father. He had practically begged for Sanji to tell him not to, and this was after he had ended things with the blonde.

Sanji can't help but wonder what happened for that to change?

He knows it has to have been seeing his father, but at the same time, how was that different than the last time? He had seen him then too. Was Sanji the only thing keeping Zoro from doing any of that?

He really should have asked Zoro more about that encounter; what had happened, what had been said. Maybe it could have helped him understand more. Maybe Sanji just can't understand Zoro the way he thought he could.

But thinking like that only makes Sanji feel shattered. He wants to be able to understand the moss, he wants to be with him, he wants him to be alright. Despite everything that Sanji had said, he does want to be with him, and he misses him desperately. He has since the moment the moss left his home on that last day they spent together.

Sanji thinks about the things he had said to him on their last meeting. He will admit that it was a bit unfair of him to be so thoroughly upset by only this one incident rather than any of the other things Zoro had done, but truthfully, this isn't the only thing that has ever gotten to him. He had nearly left Zoro for good after he killed just about everyone at the organization headquarters and Sanji had come to the realization that Zoro really fucking enjoyed the kill. He had gotten tremendously frustrated with the man's drinking habit and had many passing thoughts that he couldn't deal with it any longer, but was never able to follow the thought through to fruition. Every time Zoro had talked about killing someone, or reminded Sanji that he had experience taking a life, it always unnerved him. But he had stayed. And honestly he had thought if he could make it through all of that, he would be able to stay with the idiot forever.

But that was just the last straw.

The fact that Zoro had so obstinately spoken of his distaste for that lingering feeling after slaughtering another human yet still gave into it just pushed Sanji over the edge. If he is unable to deny himself of that, even for the reasons he stated, what else is he going to stop rejecting?

Sanji knows that if he were to take Zoro back now, he would not see him the same way. It will take some time for the discomfort at seeing Zoro in that light to dissipate. As much as he wishes the moss would just come home already, he is thankful that there is a great distance between them so Sanji can figure out a way to get past this. If he can.

He's been in such distress ever since he arrived home. He's caught between wanting the bastard so badly it hurts, and wishing he had never gotten himself mixed up with this disconcerting mess of a man. The back and forth in his head is driving him crazy and he's pretty sure that he's worse now than he was when Zoro had first left. He had been torn apart that the moss had left him, that he didn't know when or if he would ever even see him again, but now he's torn apart because he doesn't know if he wants to see him again. But he does want to. Should he want to?

He is extraordinarily confused about how he should feel towards the marimo. Will he be able to accept him again if he comes back? Sanji is fairly certain he is able to understand why Zoro thought that his reasoning behind what he did was ok, that allowing himself the freedom to feel something so natural to him after doing something so terrible but liberating was perfectly rational. But Sanji is also aware that Zoro is unable to see why Sanji sees it as wrong. If he is unable to understand that, then can Sanji really accept him the way he had before if he knows Zoro's morals are so skewed?

Now that he's said what he had to Zoro, that he's not sure that he would be comfortable being with him again, at least right now, will Zoro come back? Does he have a reason to? There is no one waiting here for him anymore. Sanji had made that clear when he had walked out on him. He had even called the man insane. Usually he would use that as a joke, but there was no jest in his words then.

His friends are still here, but he has even slowly been keeping less and less contact with them. Not that he had been keeping up with them much anyways. The big stupid idiot is making everyone crazy. They're all worried about him. And there's nothing they can even do. Sanji just has to reassure them that the marimo will be fine on his own. He's found a friend who he claims is helping him, though Sanji really isn't sure how true that is. He is still fairly concerned for Perona's well being while living with Zoro. Sanji realizes he could always make contact with Perona to ask about Zoro's progress, or what has been going on with him, but he doesn't want to seem like he's checking up on him. If word got back to Zoro about his questioning Perona, he knows Zoro would take that the wrong way. Especially after what had been said between them. So he holds himself back from contacting her.

He's sure one day he'll be able to get past all of this if he truly loves the man, but for now he thinks it's probably better that he keeps Zoro at arm's length. Especially when he decides to show up again.

"Sanji."

The cook feels a touch to his thigh and glances to his left to find Luffy's finger poking him and his face pinched in confusion. Sanji shakes off his thoughts and sits up straighter. "What's up?"

"Where do you go when do you that?"

"What do you mean?"

Luffy cocks his head to the side and just stares at him for a few breaths. "You just kind of… turn off for a while lately."

Sanji sighs and rubs a hand through his hair. "Sorry, didn't even realize I was doing it." He really had been lost in his thoughts hadn't he?

If he isn't at work, he tries to surround himself with his friends. They can keep his mind off everything if he is able to stay in the moment. But clearly he hasn't been doing the best at that, and the others are noticing. Tonight they've all gathered at Usopp's new place. Sanji is supposed to be preparing dinner for everyone since they're celebrating Usopp's move, but he's taking a while getting to it. That's probably why Luffy interrupted his thoughts. He's a bit thankful that happened.

He sighs lightly and pushes himself off the couch and heads into the kitchen. Cooking will hopefully keep his mind off the marimo. It's been his go to for relief from the moss man ever since Zoro left. It's something he's good at, and he doesn't have to think about how he failed Zoro when he's creating something beautiful and delicious for others to enjoy. Preparing food is something he most definitely will not fail at.

He hears the kitchen door open as he digs through the refrigerator and expects to be bombarded with questions regarding when the food will be ready, so he quickly throws out, "I just started, it won't be ready for a bit."

When he doesn't receive a response he slowly turns his head to glance around the kitchen. He half expected to see no one in there with him, but he was surprised to see Nami sitting on the counter top across from him. Normally he would probably yell at whoever was on the counter to get down since he's cooking and who knows what they've sat in recently, but Nami can always do as she pleases. And Sanji highly doubts she would have sat on anything unsavory in her entire life.

She throws a smile at him while swinging her legs back and forth. Then she uncharacteristically averts her eyes and adopts a shy demeanor. Sanji quickly closes the fridge door and turns completely to her. He has half a mind to ask if she wants a snack, but he has a feeling that is not what she needs right now. He slowly makes his way towards her, almost cautiously. He's never seen her act like this before and he is slightly concerned. The only times anything seems to really get to her is when -

"How was he?"

When she's thinking about Zoro. Sanji hasn't talked about his latest encounter with Zoro to anyone. It's been a few weeks, and although everyone is aware that he went to see the marimo and that he is alive and unharmed from his accident, they don't know details beyond that. Sanji doesn't really want to talk about all of that. He doesn't want to lie to Nami though.

Well, he can leave out the angry sex and the uncomfortable first meeting that he had with Zoro.

"He… I think he's doing ok. I think he's a little bit confused about somethings right now. I don't think he's any worse, though." Sanji places a light hand to her arm in comfort. Nami was Zoro's closest friend. Sanji is certain that all of this is hitting her almost as hard a it is him. Which is why he doesn't really want to tell her about Zoro's most recent kill. She already knows enough about him, she can be left in the dark about this one thing. It'll only make her more distraught.

"Did he say when he'll be back? I'd really like to talk to him. I never got to talk to him after you told me about everything. I really feel like I should. I don't want him to have the wrong idea of what I think about him now. And he doesn't seem like he wants to talk through texts and he never answers calls." She hangs her head a bit while fidgeting with her nails.

"You know how he is. His phone is more of an inconvenience than a communication tool. But, uh, he didn't say when he'd be back. I don't think he knows. I don't if it'll be anytime soon though. We, uh, kind of a had a bad fight before I left. I have a feeling he's not going to want to risk coming here for a while in case he sees me. And I really think he still has a long way to go before he's where he wants to be mentally. I know for a fact he doesn't want to come back before that happens."

She looks up at him. "That could take years with he amount of issues he has." Sanji nods solemnly. Zoro had told him as much. He didn't want to believe it, but he is well aware it could take Zoro quite a while to make himself feel right. Nami sighs and her expression becomes more concerned. "Please tell me you guys didn't get into a fight like the last one."

Sanji quickly shakes his head. "No. It was nothing like that. It was more of a very angry disagreement I guess. The most damage was done to Zoro's bottle of whiskey he had waving around."

"So he's still drinking then?"

This time Sanji nods. "You should have seen the amount he put into his coffee. I don't even think it would be considered coffee by most people."

She smiles sorrowfully. "He always has loved his alcohol." Nami leans forward a but more and leans her head on Sanji's shoulder. He doesn't even have to fight the glee he normally feels when a woman voluntarily touches him, the touch has more of a sobering affect to the situation. He really isn't the only one suffering from all of this.

He has an overwhelming need to reassure her. He needs to make this better as much as he can. There's no reason anyone else has to be a part of Zoro's path of emotional destruction. Maybe they can work together to pick up the pieces of themselves and pretend everything is fine. Because it will be. He's been telling Zoro that as long as he's known him and he knows it's true. It will be ok.

"He'll be back. He promised me he would come back. He's not someone to break a promise. And he will definitely come back better than he left. I know that for sure. Everything will be ok. He'll be ok. I know it."

She lets out a deep breath after a few moments and sits up. "Thank you, Sanji." He backs up a few steps and she hops down from the counter. "I should really let you get back to cooking, I know the boys are going to be busting down the door soon if it isn't ready." She flashes him her usual smile and rolls her eyes as she heads to the door and disappears through the other side.

-:-

He takes a deep breath as he waits for the signal to begin. He adjusts his grip slightly on the hilt of the shinai as he clears his mind.

He is not going to lose control. He will keep it together, and he will win. There's no way he will lose.

Zoro has a few fights before the elimination round starts and this is his third. So far it's been good. He's been able to keep everything in control, and he's won against both of his first opponents. He knows it's only going to get harder from here as the competition becomes more difficult and he's going to have to fight harder. As long as he has time between his fights to find his calm again everything will be fine.

The round starts and he hardly focuses on his opponent; he's mostly concerned with not lashing out unnecessarily. The fight goes by in a blur and he's only aware it's over when he's announced the winner. He looks over at his opponent and feels a surge of pride in himself. He hasn't lost a single match yet. He quickly smashes down the feeling though, he has a long way to go before he can rightfully feel prideful about his wins.

The elimination begins and Zoro puts more focus into what he's doing to be sure he isn't knocked out of the competition. Though he is still not fighting his hardest. On his off times, he glances around and spots some of the competitors that he deems to be the real competition. The rest of these are just warm ups. He won't feel like he's really won anything until he's won against all of them. And he will. He has no doubt about it.

A few times during his fights he's felt his control slipping and he has to decide whether or not to sacrifice his focus or his control. He went back and forth on that decision; both could be beneficial in a fight. But sacrificing focus won out since he could easily be penalized if he loses a little too much control with himself. He's not losing by penalty. He's just not losing period.

He really has to hand it to Perona for signing him up for this. This really has been one of the best ways to train himself to control his urges. His competitiveness is keeping him from letting go of his mental restraints. He is figuring out just how much he can loosen up on his hold before he knows he won't be able to neither focus nor stay in the competition. He's been really proud of himself for how he's been handling this.

He's finally getting down to the last few opponents. These are the ones he's been waiting for. He'll get to really fight, go all out, something he's hasn't really gotten to do in a long time with a sword. He feels his excitement build and he can't wait.

The first one must have sorely underestimated him. He was slow with his first hits, and had a hard time making that up, giving Zoro an easier win than he had wanted. He won before time was up and felt a pang of disappointment when he realized the match was over.

The next one Zoro has a much more exciting fight with. His next opponent was definitely more skilled and had been watching him. Their fight was a real fight. Pushing each other back to the boundaries, but neither landing a hit. Zoro gets increasingly frustrated as he pushes back harder. He watches his opponent fiercely and blocks every single move he makes. He focuses so hard on the other man that he forgets the push and pull of his mental stability, allowing a little of his control to ebb away.

Zoro makes the first point, but earns a penalty for unnecessary roughness. He mentally berates himself, and holds himself back a bit. He shakes his head and prepares to start again. The next point is his opponent's. He growls to himself for allowing a point. He wants to badly to run his shinai through this other man right now but he's so close to the win that he can hold it in. He grips his shinai tighter in attempt to quell the feeling.

Zoro almost missed it, but the next point went to him. He won. He breathes out in a ragged breath as he tries to pull everything back under control and back where it should be in his head. He isn't rewarded much time before the final match and he registers vague worry in the back of his mind. He brushes it off and prepares for his next win.

He closes his eye and takes a deep breath.

When he opens his eye again its to a pained scream as the referees are rushing towards his opponent. He can see blood pooling on the ground and Zoro immediately backs up and drops his shinai.

Fuck, did he seriously black out? That hasn't happened for a long time. He desperately tries to see what happened but his view is blocked and all he can see is the blood on the floor. He quickly closes his eye and turns his head. Staring at that is not going to help.

He's sure to be disqualified. If that isn't unnecessary roughness, he doesn't know what is. He's extremely ashamed of himself. What the hell happened? He was doing so well. He glances back over to the small massing of people across from him and he can see a disturbingly white object protruding from the other man's arm.

Zoro hangs his head. He hit him so hard he snapped his wrist. Shit.

One of the referees catches him watching the commotion and walks the short distance over to him. He informs Zoro that he's been penalized for the hit and is therefore not the winner of the fight. Zoro replies that he understands and apologizes for what he'd done. He doesn't know if he should leave. Does he wait to see what happens? He knows he lost. He knows the his opponent will be headed to the hospital. What else is going to happen? He sighs and pulls off his head protection. He leans down to grab his shinai which he belated realizes is snapped and only barely holding together.

He supposes that's appropriate. It matches the guy's arm.

He next equates it to himself. Snapped and barely holding together.

He peeks over at the injured man again and winces. He really hopes that didn't look intentional. Zoro trudges over to the locker room area to change and pick up the rest of his things.

One day he'll get it right.

Perona comes bouncing up next to him soon after he exits the locker area. "What happened? That came out of nowhere! You just… bashed on him. Well it was one hit, but you wrecked that dude."

"Thanks for summing that up for me."

"Seriously though Zoro, what the fuck? You weren't like that in any of your other fights. I've never seen-"

Zoro quickly rounds on her in a quiet voice. "Do you want to end up like that guy?"

Perona shrinks back slightly. "No."

"Then shut the fuck up."

He storms out way ahead of her to find the car.

The more he thinks about it, the more he can figure out why that could have happened.

He didn't have enough time to calm down before that last fight. He shouldn't have gotten so worked up in the fight right before the last one. He let it get to him and he let it build up.

He's pissed at himself, but now he knows what he needs to work on. He's just got to figure out how to work on it without hurting anyone else.

Damn it, where is the car? He's been walking in circles and still hasn't found it. He glances around the parking lot and spots pink hair. The closer he gets the better he can see her bored expression while she waits for him to realize where they parked.

"Come on, loser, let's go." He glares daggers at her. "Oh, come on. I didn't mean it like that and you know it. Just get in the damn car."

The ride home is silent. Zoro regrets threatening Perona earlier. She's aware of his streaks of violence, and he has indirectly told her he's killed people. Threatening her is not smart. That's only going to make her afraid of him.

When they get home, he immediately grabs a bottle of whatever he's got in the kitchen and retreats to his room. He doesn't bother showering, he just plops himself on his bed and starts drinking. Hopefully he'll just fall asleep soon so he won't feel so utterly shitty. Eventually he has to get up to go to the bathroom. He opens the door and nearly steps in a plate of food. He stares at it confused, but quickly realizes Perona attempted to feed him. He picks it up and places it next to his bed. He find a note that was next to the plate that reads 'you did great today'.

He scoffs a the note.

He brushes his teeth and stares at himself in the mirror. Well, maybe it wasn't all so bad. He did manage to go the entire tournament without damaging anyone or anything until the end. And even then he didn't go so far as to irreparably harm anyone. He even stopped after the initial damage was done. Maybe he did do alright today.

He rinses his mouth out and wipes off his face as he stares himself down. He tries to soften his features for the countless time. Maybe if he wasn't so angry at everything all the time he won't look so harsh. Ah, what does he care what he looks like.

"What are you doing?"

Zoro jumps slightly at the sudden voice at the doorway. He thought he closed the door.

"Nothing."

"You look like you're going to shit yourself."

"Go away."

"Are you done in here? Because if you are, I'd like to use my bathroom." She never misses a chance to remind him that this is her apartment, and she's just allowing him to live in it. Another reason not to scare Perona. He needs a place to live.

"It's all yours." He makes to pass her but she stops him.

"You know if you pretended to be happier, you might be less prone to violence." He stares at her like she's the one who's lost her mind. "Just a thought."

He smiles down at her. "You know, I'm not feeling any less like throwing you across the living room right now." He shrugs and walks back to his room and collapses on the bed.

Perona hasn't been too off about a lot of things, and he reluctantly gives thought to her latest proposition. He isn't the best at pretending. He's been able to fool others for a short period of time, but there's no way he'd be able to fool himself.

He sighs and looks at the time. It's not ridiculously late. He picks up his phone and searches through his contacts list. He presses the call button when he finds the name he's looking for. Maybe he can't make himself happy, but someone else might be able to.

He smiles when the line picks up. "Hey, Nami."


	50. Chapter 50

**A/N: Dang I'm so bad at updating this thing. But here's a new chapter. Finally.**

It's starting to get late.

Should she be worried? She shouldn't call him; if he's driving that will only make him either more lost, or crash again. Nami really hopes he can find her new place. She's moved since he's been here last. It's been almost a year since he left, and she can't wait to see him.

He's made it clear he will not be here long; just a quick weekend trip for a tournament. She's really glad he's found something to do with himself that seems constructive and that he seemingly really enjoys. The few times he's actually called her, he mostly ends up talking about the tournaments he's been in. She doesn't mind, it lets her know that he's ok and for the most part, happy. And from the sound of it, he's really fucking good. She's only hear of one that he's lost. The last time he called, he asked if he could stay with her for a few days since one of the tournaments he wants to go to happens to be here. Obviously she said yes.

And now she is impatiently waiting for him to show up at her door. Though he is three hours later than expected, and that was with a generous time frame.

She gets up off the couch to busy herself with a glass of water and to see that any alcohol that may be in sight is stored away. She's not sure what Zoro's current state of sobriety is, and if he is sober, there is no reason to tempt him. Even if he isn't, she doesn't really want him to drink away the weekend. Not when she has limited time to see him.

"Nami, what are you doing?" She glances behind her to see Usopp staring confusedly at her as she puts a bottle of vodka on a high shelf behind some forgotten cereal boxes while balancing herself on the kitchen counter. Zoro had asked her not to tell anyone that he's coming. Since Usopp lives with her now, surely Zoro wouldn't mind if he knew? But the surprise on Usopp's face will be totally worth it when he sees the green haired idiot come through the front door. So instead of actually explaining what she's doing she quickly thinks up a plausible explanation.

"Just rearranging some things."

"And the cereal and alcohol are now items that go together?" He raises his eyebrow as he continues to watch her. She slowly places the bottle down and closes the cabinet door.

"I wanted to clear the counter space. We never eat that cereal anyways, so I figured that was as good a place as any."

He squints his eyes at her. "Right. Because putting the vodka on the shelf both of us can barely reach is logical. You love vodka."

"But look at all the room we have out here now!" She glances around at the meager counter space that was barely freed up. She is saved from more awkward explanation when she hears a knock on the door. She pushes down her excitement as she hops off the counter.

Usopp glances at the time on the microwave. It's nearly midnight. "Who the hell is here?" Nami dashes over to the door as casually as she can. "Nami, be careful, you don't know who's out there! What if it's a burglar or something?"

"Usopp, why would a burglar knock?" She rolls her eyes at him as she nears the door.

"To see if we're home!"

"I can promise you it's not a burglar." She grins as she opens the door. The hulking figure on the other side throws her for a moment, but she recognizes the light green hair and confused look as the man glances at his phone then the numbers next to the door.

"Uh…" Nami launches forward and grabs the man into a tight hug. She knows he's not big on hugging or physical contact for that matter with few exceptions, but this definitely counts as an exception. She can feel a muscular arm wrap around her back and hear him chuckle. "Seems like I found the right door."

"Please don't tell me you've been knocking on doors for the past hour."

"Course not." The quiet and quick response leads her to believe that he definitely had been. God she missed this idiot.

When his hold on her slacks she realizes he's had enough and lets go of him so he can come inside. He drops his bag and bike helmet next to the door and toes off his shoes. Nami is about to ask if he got his bike fixed after that terrible accident almost a year ago, but Usopp speaks first.

"Is that… Nami, did you slip something into my food? Because there is no way that Zoro is actually in our living room right now, right? That's absurd. He left. He shouldn't be here. Why-"

"Usopp, I promise you that I am actually here. Though I can't promise Nami didn't slip anything into your food." She glances back at Zoro who has a shit eating grin on his face. She smacks him in the arm, though she suspects it has little effect. The man keeps growing in size, she doesn't know how he does that.

Usopp finally gets over the initial shock and in a near sprint heads over to Zoro to engulf him in a crushing hug. Zoro returns the hug briefly.

"Alright, alright." Zoro seems to be trying to pry Usopp off of him gently while Usopp is practically in tears over Zoro's arrival. Usopp finally pulls himself together and pulls himself off of Zoro. "It's good to see you, too, Usopp." Zoro quickly glares at Nami. She knows what he's thinking.

"I didn't say anything. He lives here, kind of hard to avoid him seeing you."

"You live with Usopp now?"

"Yeah. You've been gone a year Zoro, a lot has happened." She smiles over to Usopp who is still staring practically dumbfounded at Zoro. She knew surprising him would be worth it. Though he seems to be focused on his now even more massive arms.

"So, wait. Are you guys, like, roommates, or-"

"We're not roommates, Zoro. Usopp and I got together not long after you left."

Zoro looks between the two of them, shoving at Usopp for staring at him the way he is, then back to Nami. "Huh. Good for you guys."

She knows that's probably the most enthusiasm about that she will get from him on the matter.

"Wait a minute. Did you not want anyone to know you were here?" Usopp finally joins in the conversation.

Zoro looks a bit guilty. "I'm only here for a few days. And… I didn't really want to get anyone's hopes up or anything. Or…" he mumbles the last bit of his sentence.

Nami eyes at him critically. She has an idea of what that last comment was about. "You don't want Sanji to know you're here." She thought it had been odd that he didn't want anyone to know, since he hasn't seen anyone for over a year. He didn't really even say goodbye to anyone. And while that could be a good enough reason to avoid them all seeing as he left on kind of a dick note, this explanation is far more believable. And she definitely hit the nail on the head as he looks to the floor then quickly changes the subject.

"So, where can I put my stuff?"

She shows him over to the spare room and he places his things on the bed. She glances again at his helmet. "Did you drive here?"

"Hm? Yeah. That's what took me so long, got a little turned around. It's been a while since I've been here."

She rolls her eyes. That's not quite why he was turned around but she'll let it slide. "Did you have to get a new bike or did you manage to fix your old one?"

He looks at her with a confused expression. "How did you-"

"Zoro you were all over the news. I know Sanji talked to you afterwards, he must have told you. We were all together when we saw it. You scared the shit out of us."

He goes quiet for a few moments, probably remembering the events, before shaking his head. "Right. Sorry about that, scaring you I mean."

She can see something is going through his head, but she figures its probably best to leave it; he's starting to get that look in his eye that Sanji had told her means bad things are to come. Was his fight with Sanji really that bad? Maybe she's missing something. Regardless of what's going through his head, she figures it would be beneficial to break him out of his thoughts.

"So, new bike or same one? You never answered."

He startles slightly when he's pulled back to reality. "Uh, new one. Old one was totaled. Had to find a job and everything to pay for it."

She smiles. Nami is happy that he is able to hold a job still. She knows he had one before he left, but it was extremely part time and he only worked a few hours a week. And after seeing how out of it he had gotten, well she didn't exactly have high expectations for the man.

Nami shows him where the bathroom is and the kitchen, even though they're easily found. She knows how long it could take him to find them if he hadn't been told the general area of where they are. The apartment is small, but you never know with Zoro.

When they reach the kitchen, she notices him glancing around like he's looking for something. She has a feeling she knows what.

"You want anything to drink?"

His attention immediately turns back to her. "What do you have?"

"Water, we might have some soda or something in the fridge." She can see him immediately deflate as he lets out a sigh.

"I'll just have some water, then." He runs a hand through his hair and looks a bit fidgety.

She watches him momentarily as he worries his lip. "When's the tournament?"

"Uh, Sunday afternoon."

She nods. So two days from now. "Zoro," she waits for him to look at her. "Are you sober? I don't mean right now, I mean for good."

He glances away. "No."

"How long has it been since you had a drink?"

He sighs. "Last night."

Nami can see him trying to have self control, but she also knows how hard it will be to go much longer without any alcohol in his system, not to mention possibly dangerous. She's looked into the effects of withdrawal before out of concern for her friend, and while she knows the worst withdrawal symptoms don't happen to everyone, it's better to be safe. Especially with the way he drinks. He's gone over 24 hours without it. Despite her initial instinct to keep him away from it, she rethinks the situation.

Reluctantly she points to the cabinet that she hid the alcohol in. "Open that."

"What, you need help getting something in there?"

"No, idiot. Just open it." He reaches for the handle and pulls the cabinet door open, revealing boxes of cereal and a few bottles of alcohol. He raises his eyebrows and looks back to her. "Take one."

"I have a feeling these were placed here deliberately."

Nami shrugs. "Yeah, well. If you had been sober, I didn't want to exactly entice you with them."

Zoro throws a smirk at her. "You weren't going to give any of that to me." He caught her, and she's not exactly sure what to say. She's monitored his intake before, so it's not completely unexpected of her. He gives her a playful shove on the arm before reaching for one of the bottles. She can see the slight tremor in his hand as he does so and she feels better about her choice to allow him to have some. He scoffs at her selection; she knows he prefers dark liquor but he doesn't really have a choice and pulls something down anyways. "Thanks, Nami. I appreciate it."

A sly smile crosses her lips. "You'll owe me for every bottle you finish, though."

His smirk falls and he looks from her back to the bottle in his hand. Then up to the others that are still on the shelf. Then back to the single one he is holding. He groans. She tries to hold in a laugh as she can see him most likely trying to decide if he should try to make the one bottle last. She knows he won't be able to; he drinks far too much in one sitting. It's probably cruel to make him pay for the bottles, but perhaps it will keep his intake down a little. And she will just add it to the growing debt that he still owes her from years ago.

They part their ways; Zoro back to the spare room to guzzle down the vodka before falling asleep, and Nami to her and Usopp's room. As she gets ready for bed, Usopp looks to her with suspicious eyes.

"You were hiding all of the alcohol from him, weren't you? That's what you were doing earlier. That's why you made up that terrible excuse."

"Well, do you want him to drink all of it?"

She can feel him stare as she sits down on the bed. "You just told him where it all was! How is that hiding it. Now he will drink it all, and you're going to have to buy more and this time it'll be that crappy stuff you get to save money because you gave him what's left of the good stuff."

She turns on him with a frown. "Why is it so bad to save money? Besides. I told him he has to pay me back for every bottle he finishes."

Usopp's jaw drops. "Nami. That is mean. But I completely stand behind you. And I mean I will be standing behind you when you go to collect the money from him."

She shakes her head and lies down beside Usopp.

-:-

Zoro fights back the shiver that threatens to shake down his spine as he takes a swig from the bottle of vodka. It's not his favorite drink, but it'll do. He's drank nearly nothing but whiskey for so long that he forgot how terrible vodka tastes. Regardless of how it tastes, it'll do the trick so he tries to ignore the flavor.

It's weird being back in town.

So familiar but at the same time foreign. Things have changed. He has changed. His friends have changed.

Nami and Usopp are together now. That he didn't see coming. Though he would never have put anyone in their group together aside from him and Sanji. He sighs at the thought of the cook. He would really rather avoid seeing him while he's here. Zoro is not here to stay. One of the tournaments he really wanted to go to was here, so he came. It just happened to be where everyone he knows lives, and where Sanji lives.

He did not come here in the off chance that he would see him.

Really, though.

He shakes his head and downs some more liquor. He only sounds like he trying to convince himself of that. Maybe he is. He's nearly certain Sanji would not want to see him. Not after last time they saw each other. He made it clear that the only contact he really wants from Zoro is information regarding if he ever recovers from his mental disturbances. A happening that Zoro is slowly making strides towards, but is still in the distance. It's been nearly a year since he saw Sanji last, and he still remembers the disgusted and hurt look in his eyes when he confronted him about the events that happened prior to their fight. They haven't spoken since.

He reaffirms that he does not want to see him while he's here.

Zoro is not where he needs to be yet to see the cook again. He needs to be mentally sound, and while he has improved, Perona tells him he seems like a new human already as he's a lot less easy to anger and provoke, he still has a ways to go until he feels like a new human.

Outwardly he's improved, but internally he still needs some work. And that's the most important part for him. Mental stability and complete control. That is the goal. And until then, he cannot see the cook.

He has a bad feeling that seeing him might push him backwards. Seeing him might bring back all the old memories and feelings of loss of control from when they were together, from when his life was completely falling apart. And he cannot go back to that. Which is why he has to wait until he is in full control of himself when he sees him again.

Zoro just really hopes Nami and Usopp can keep his visit to themselves until after the tournament is over.

But all of this does not mean that he does not crave the cook. He wants to see him, but he knows he should not, cannot.

Which is why he is realizing his current internal monologue is rationalizing why he can't see him. He didn't realize how much he did want to see the cook until he got here.

But this tournament is really important. That is why he's here. Focus.

He sits back on the bed and drinks a bit more from the bottle in hand. He is starting to feel a bit better than he did earlier at the expense of poorly flavored alcohol. At least Nami seems to have been well stocked. He feels extremely guilty about taking her stash though. He knows how she feels about him over drinking and he will do his best to keep it dialed back while he's here. He has already gotten himself to mostly drink at night due to training, it shouldn't be hard to keep that up here. Especially with that tournament coming up; he needs to be clear headed. Ever since he lost his first competition, he has stopped over indulging the night before. And while he knows it was mainly his own fault for not keeping himself in line, he does owe the loss partly to not mentally preparing himself the night before and getting completely trashed.

He looks down at the bottle in his hand. He's almost made it through the bottle. His tremors have stopped and he feels decidedly less anxious about being back in town.

He hates that he's so dependent, but it looks like he's going to have to keep it up for the weekend if he wants to survive it.

He may be in slight better control of his actions, but he's not so sure how he would be if he was in withdrawal for a prolonged period of time. And he really doesn't want to evaluate his self control in a high stress situation this weekend.

He mentally apologizes to Nami for being a drunk the one weekend he comes to visit as he pushes himself off the bed to go grab another bottle.

-:-

Zoro rolls over and opens his eye. With a start he realizes he is not in his bed in Perona's apartment, and then remembers he is in Nami's. He hasn't spent the night somewhere other than his own bed for so long he nearly thought he went on a binge without his own knowledge.

He stretches and pulls himself out of bed. He probably shouldn't spend the entire day in bed since he's visiting friends. And he should at least go for a run. He rummages through his bag to find some shorts and a t shirt for the exercise and heads out of the room once he has them on. He quickly notices the apartment sounds like it has a lot more than two other people in it.

There are two extra voices that he hears. At least one of those voices he knows will probably not be able to keep his presence a secret. He rethinks his morning run. Maybe he can pretend that he slept in and avoid this situation.

No. This isn't something he should avoid. He needs to stop avoiding. He takes a deep breath and continues to the living room.

"— best dinner ever! You should have been there. What were you doing last night anyways? Friday night is always the best night at Sanji's restaurant."

Hearing the cook's name is always a blow, but he pretends he doesn't hear it and walks up behind Luffy. Ace's eyes grow ten sizes and he seems to forget how to breath.

"Ace, what's wrong? Why are you making that face?"

The older brother quickly pushes his younger sibling aside to get to Zoro. He doesn't manage to do much but stare.

Zoro cracks a smile. "Hey. It's been a while.

Luffy flips around at the sound of his voice and joins his brother in speechlessness. It doesn't take long for them to recover and pull him into one of the tightest hugs he's ever received. He can't even try to return the hug as his arms are pinned beneath two over excited men.

He can't even understand what they're saying to him as their faces are pressed into his shirt, but he assumes it was a slurring of I missed you's and what are you doing here's and oh my god you're here's.

He's quickly becoming uncomfortable with all the attention and tries to push them off. He finally succeeds and Luffy stares at him with a look that nears betrayal.

"Why didn't you tell us you were coming?"

He feels guilt settle into the pit of his stomach. He can't possibly tell Luffy that he wasn't going to see him while he was here. "I wanted to surprise everyone." He plasters on a smile as he lies through his teeth. Luffy's expression instantly changes to delight.

He can see Nami and Usopp give him approving smiles and nods out of the corner of his eye.

Ace throws an arm around Zoro's shoulders. "Well then, we'll have to properly welcome you back tonight and surprise everyone else!"

Nami's face goes from light approval to worry. Zoro can feel his insides tensing up as he thinks of the consequences this could have. But he can't exactly say everyone is allowed to see him except for the cook. That would not go over well.

"You guys will be here for a while?" He tactfully avoids approving the idea.

"Yeah! Usopp promised us that we would have an exclusive first try at his new game that he finally finished!"

Zoro can see Nami mouth the words 'I forgot' with a culpable look on her face. He turns his gaze to Usopp. "You made a game?"

"I did, and it is most definitely the best game ever created if I do say so myself."

"Well, if you guys are staying here, then I'm going to go for a run." He could really use it now that he knows he's probably going to be seeing the cook tonight.

As he exits the front door he hears a chorus of "Don't get lost!" and then he is being handed his phone and prompted to call in case he can't figure out how to get back. He rolls his eye; he's seriously not that hopeless at finding his way. At least he likes to think so.


	51. Chapter 51

**A/N: Hey there, long time no posting. I apologize. I had this written for the longest time and was not happy with it. I've been tweaking it and looking it over. It wasn't quite my original plan for what was going to happen, but this got written anyways and I think I'm good with how it turned out now. Enjoy.**

Zoro finds himself anxiously awaiting the rest of his friends to show up to Nami's in the bathroom. He hasn't been anxious like this in a long time. When he's in the living room all the can concentrate on is if the door is about to open and reveal the cook behind it. He doesn't know what's going to happen when he sees him, and he doesn't know what his reaction will be.

"Everything ok in there?"

He glances at the door. Right there are people here that are aware of his absence.

"Yeah. Be right out." He hadn't realized how long he's been in here.

He splashes some water on his face and takes some deep breaths before opening the door revealing Nami on the other side.

"I'm sorry, Zoro. I know this isn't what you expected when you came here. But everyone misses you so much, they'll be so happy to see you."

"No, no it's ok. It's fine. I'm fine. I want to see everyone."

"I know. I just know what you're thinking. And you know he'll be here. I just want to be sure you'll be ok with it. I know you and Sanji had a fight and it didn't end well, and I just hope you guys will be ok seeing each other."

Zoro sighs and rubs a hand over his face. "Me too."

Nami looks at him for a moment. "What happened between you two? I mean I was there when the big break up happened, but you two seemed to have reconciled after a little at least."

Zoro knows she's aware of his issues. Sanji had told her everything on the day she's alluding to. But he's not about to tell her that he killed his own father in cold blooded revenge and Sanji did not approve of the situation he found himself in at all. It's not something he's necessarily proud of or something he wants her to know. "We uh, we disagreed very strongly about something that happened. That I did. And it just didn't end on good terms really."

Nami looks to him warily, as if she's thinking of what he could have possibly done. Then seems to think better of imagining things Zoro has done, thankfully, and shakes her head. "Well, I hope you both can push that aside for tonight at least." Zoro huffs in mock laughter. He hopes so as well, but Sani's reaction to him is yet to be seen. His own reaction is a concern also. "Zoro, please, if you need anything, time to yourself or something, just let me know. Please. You know I'm familiar with what's going on with you. If you need time, don't hesitate to let me know. I'd rather you lock yourself in a room and not seen anyone for an hour than knock someone out on accident."

He leans against the wall and throws his head back. It's almost embarrassing to hear that from her, but he knows it's true. He agrees. He looks back down to her and nods. "Me too. I'm a lot better about that these days, I promise."

She nods back to him and pats him on the arm. "I'm glad you got a chance to visit. Now come on, let's go surprise the pants off Chopper."

"He's here?"

"Yeah, he got here while you were in the bathroom."

"Well let's go." He makes way for Nami to move around him and out to the living room. He smiles at the prospect of seeing Chopper. He really does feel bad for being so terrible about keeping in touch. Chopper of all people did not deserve that.

Zoro makes his way out to the party behind Nami who is sure to distract the newcomers so they won't notice Zoro. He purposely throws an arm around Chopper's slight shoulders who startles for a moment and then looks to where the arm appeared from. His eyes grow wide and he backs away in shock before blinking a few times and yelling, "Zoro!"

Zoro readies himself for the embrace, but not for the attention that was called to him. Franky, Robin, and Brook had arrived as he and Nami were speaking and they also turned their undivided attention to the large green haired figure. They make their way over to him as well, slapping him on the back.

"Holy shit am I really seeing this? What are you doing back here, bro? I thought you were gone for good."

"You know he didn't leave forever, he wouldn't do that. Have more faith in the man. He couldn't possibly stand to leave knowing how quickly I age. Look at me already, I look at least ten years older since he left."

Their comments made him forget the tight hold that chopper has on him. "I wouldn't say ten, maybe seven at most."

"Oh ho, look at that he hasn't lost that humor of his yet!"

Robin has been quietly smiling at him and presumably assessing his mental state. He knows that look from when they used to have their 'talks'. "It's good to see you in one piece, Zoro."

"It's good to see you guys." Zoro returns their friendly slaps to the back then returns his attention to Chopper who is still attached to him. He throws an arm around him. "And you too little man."

"I'm not little, asshole! I'm just short."

"Isn't that what little is?" Chopper stares back up at him with feigned anger and Zoro tousles his hair before properly returning his hug. "Alright, let me go, I need to make a pit stop in the kitchen. I'll be back."

"Hey man, don't drink us dry! It's a party and we need the alcohol." Zoro looks over his shoulder to Ace who is half smiling in jest and half looking to him with concern.

"Ah shut it. You're a black hole for alcohol too."

"Maybe so, but no where near your level."

Zoro shrugs and continues on his path to the kitchen.

He nearly drops the bottle he had just grabbed when he hears the commotion Luffy made over food being brought in. He can only think of one person that brings food everywhere he goes.

"Hold on you little nematode, get off me. Let me put it down first."

Zoro feels like he lost the ability to breathe. He has to consciously tell himself to inhale. It'll be fine. It's just the cook. There are plenty of other people here. He just has to get out of this damn kitchen before Sanji traps him in here. He'll probably want to talk, and if they are alone that is exactly what he will try to do. But if he's surrounded by everyone else there is much less chance of that happening.

He's taking too long worrying about this. Zoro glances at the window briefly and wonders if he can either make it to the living room through it or escape completely. No. Just leave through the fucking door.

Quickly, he opens his bottle and takes a large swig before resolutely walking back out the door into the living room. Thankfully Luffy is still trying to pry the food from Sanji's hands and he was able to sneak out unnoticed by the blonde. Zoro slips over to where Franky is and uses his broad frame to keep himself more or less concealed until the cook has made it into the kitchen.

This is so pathetic.

He's twenty eight god damn years old he shouldn't be hiding like this.

After briefly speaking with Franky so he looks much less ridiculous standing there, he decides he should just sit on the couch. If he's seen, he's seen. It's going to happen at some point unless he locks himself in the bathroom all night. Might as well get it over with.

He finds himself staring down at the bottle in his hands. He's not sure what else to do with himself right now. He feels the couch dip next to him and hears Ace's voice immediately after.

"You going to drink that or watch it? Because if you're not going to drink it I'd be glad to take it off your hands."

He glances up and sees a sly smile on Ace's face. "You know I plan drink the whole damned thing asshole."

"Ha, yeah and then some."

He smiles back at Ace. Zoro is glad that his friend is able to joke about his alcohol consumption now since he used to be so worried about him all the time. He's probably still worried, but now that Zoro is aware of his own addiction it's a slightly less worrisome habit. "Ill try to keep the consumption down tonight and leave your sorry ass something to sip on."

"I appreciate it." Ace jabs him in the side with an elbow. "I missed you man. Any word on when you'll be back for good? It'd be nice to have you around again."

Zoro resumes staring at the bottle. He picks at a loose corner of the label. "Not really. I still have some stuff I've got to work out before I can do that."

"Like what?" Zoro tears a chunk off the label. "I don't mean to pry, but you never really told us why you left. You just gave us some garbage about needing to move but you'd come back someday. Why'd you leave? And don't tell me because of Sanji. That's a shit reason and I know you wouldn't move your whole life because of a failed relationship. That's not you."

"Do we have to talk about this right now?"

"When else will I get the chance, Zoro? You're never here, and you don't exactly keep in touch."

Zoro let's out a heavy sigh. He does owe him some kind of explanation. "It was partly because of him. And not why you think, so don't even start. You know I got in a bad place. A really bad place." Zoro remembers how dark his life seemed at that time. "I was really mentally damaged. I still am somewhat. Well, a lot still. I just needed to get away. And as much as the cook helped, he also kind of made it worse. I don't know how to explain it to you. That was even kind of why that ended. But I just needed a fresh start of sorts to get myself right in the head. I had to move past some stuff."

Ace sits quietly for a moment. "What kind of stuff?" Zoro gives Ace a look expressing how much he does not want to talk about this right now. "Oh come on."

"It's really not something I like talking about."

"Does it have anything to do with you almost taking someone out in the park that day?"

Zoro grimaces. Of course he remembers that. "Yeah."

"You never explained that to Luffy and me."

"I know."

"Are you going to? That was kind of… explanation worthy."

Zoro knows he can't get out of this now. He has to give him something. Ace won't let up until he has an acceptable answer. He thinks for a bit until he finds the words. "A lot happened to me when I was younger. Like a kid younger. Traumatic things." He takes a breath. "It was all starting to come back to me. And when it finally did it really fucked me up." He pauses again to take a drink and gather himself. He's glad this has gotten a little easier to speak about. He doesn't even want to think about having this conversation a year ago. He can still feel something pulling him away from reality, but he quickly snuffs it out. He sighs before speaking again. "That's why I was so absent. And why I attacked that guy. And why I had to leave." Zoro closes his eyes and runs a hand through his hair. He huffs a laugh to himself. "I'm honestly kind of embarrassed about the lack of mental stability I have."

Ace throws an arm around Zoro's shoulders. "Ah, don't sweat it. You've always been pretty weird. This just adds to your weirdo charm."

"I'm not sure how to take that."

"It's a good thing, I promise. As long as your time away is helping you, then take your time. You just have to come home eventually. We need our resident green grump for our little family to be complete."

"You paint quite a picture of me, Ace."

"You supplied the material! It's not my doing that that's how you come across." He let's out a hearty laugh and brings up his own glass and tilts it to Zoro's. "I'm drinking to you tonight, bud." Zoro nods and clinks their containers of choice before taking a sizable pull. "Don't get carried away with that."

"I know, I know. Nami's already given me the talk about consumption."

"Just take what you need. Not what you want."

"I'm not sure those are the best directions to give me." He gives the other man a wide grin.

"Oh, you know what I mean." Ace shoves off the couch and presumably heads to find food in the kitchen. Zoro does know what he means. But he also knows his 'need' fluctuates depending on what's happening around him, or in his head. And tonight has a lot of factors to play into both of those categories.

And here comes the main factor now. Why couldn't Ace have sat with him just a little bit longer? Zoro tries to look away but his eyes feel magnetized to the blonde. And it doesn't help that he looks damn good tonight. He busies himself with a drink and notices he's nearly empty. Damn it. He can't get up now though. The cook is too close to the kitchen and he has not had enough to drink yet to come in contact with him.

Suddenly he notices that he is not the only one staring. Sanji is staring wide eyed right back at him before blinking and staring confusedly. Zoro quickly looks away and contemplates a bathroom run. Bad idea, Sanji can catch him off guard on the way out. He sees Chopper and Luffy goofing off and decides they're his best bet right now. Sanji won't want to deal with Luffy after having to pry him away from the food. He stands and fixes his expression to what he hopes is something calm and collected.

He can barely even hear what the other two are saying. His mind is just running circles around the blonde. His fears of what might happen when seeing him all surface. Is he still pissed at Zoro? Is he going to let it all out if he is? Will Zoro be able to handle seeing him after their last encounter? Can Zoro be around him without regressing back to how he was? What if everything he had worked so hard on the past year just falls apart? What if he loses all control right here because being around Sanji means being less in control? His very presence makes Zoro want to relax his mental walls and just be, but he can't do that. Not here. Maybe not ever. If he does that, will he be able to restructure it back to how it is? Zoro so badly doesn't want to regress to how he was a year ago. There is no way in hell he is going back to that.

"Zoro?" He can feel a finger poking his cheek. "Zoro-o?"

"Hm?" Luffy and Chopper are staring up at him with confusion and concern. Concern is mostly coming from Chopper.

"Are you okay Zoro? Do you need to lie down? Maybe you should stop drinking for now. Have you hurt yourself recently?"

"I'm fine, Chopper. Don't worry about it, just spaced out for a bit." He smiles down at him and pats his shoulder before assessing the liquid in his bottle. "Time for a refill."

"You should really consider taking a break! Think of your poor liver!" He can hear Chopper calling after him as he enters the kitchen.

"You know he's right about that. You're liver is probably going to go soon."

Zoro freezes. He could pick out that voice anywhere. He continues what he came in the kitchen for and puts up every mental defense he has. "Fuck off." He grabs what he wants and turns to see the blonde standing in the doorway. He pushes his way past him.

"Marimo-"

"Cook."

He acts as though all Sanji wanted was a vague hello and leaves the room. Maybe he'll understand that he doesn't want to talk.

The rest of the night is filled with barely concealed stares from the both of them, mostly glaring from Zoro, and subtle digs to each other passed off in conversation if they're both involved. They never really speak directly to each other though. It's almost more stressful this way. Actually it is a lot more stressful this way. Zoro isn't going to be the one to address the situation, and he hopes that the blonde won't either. The idea of that happening is keeping Zoro well on his way to heavy intoxication.

His hopes are dashed when the cook has had a bit to drink though. It seems as though Zoro isn't the only one to be self medicating under stress.

He had been talking to Robin about what he's been doing the past year and about Perona until Sanji walks right up into the conversation. He's clearly got something on his mind, and clearly not entirely sober if he's going to interrupt a conversation that Robin is a part of.

"What the fuck is your deal tonight, Marimo?"

"Excuse me?" Zoro really doesn't want this to escalate, but with that opener, he can tell that it very well might. He's been in a state of discomfort all night and Sanji is really pushing it right now by getting in his face. He just wants Sanji to leave him alone right now.

"You're deal. You show up out of fucking nowhere and act like I'm a piece of shit stuck to your shoe. What is passing through that thick moss infested head of yours?"

Zoro can feel anger rising to the surface. Anger that he has been mostly able to keep in check for months. Sanji knows it's a cheap shot to call him out on his hair in a real argument; he can't help it and that's a big part of what drove his father to think he was a waste of space. It's stupid, but he can be a little sensitive about it in the right situations. He feels his face slip into an expression that he knows too well on himself. "I was having a conversation. If you don't mind, fuck off."

He turns back to Robin with thinly veiled anger written across his face. He can feel her wrap a hand around his bicep as a warning to hold it together. He's not sure if she knows why this is happening, but she knows his tells. He tries to focus on her hand instead of the cook. The longer he stays near him, the more uncertain Zoro is about what could happen.

Sanji grabs his other arm and tries to forcefully turn Zoro back around to face him. "I do mind. Tell me what the hell your problem is tonight."

Zoro can tell the entire room is staring at them. He focuses solely on the blonde and clenches his jaw in attempt to not go off the deep end. His hands form fists at his sides. Sanji may not be creating a safe space for him to let go in, but he's most definitely creating a harsh one that is testing his mental strength. Zoro chooses not to respond at the moment because he's not sure that he can.

"I asked you a question, Marimo." Sanji moves in closer and into Zoro's space.

Zoro takes a breath. "You know what my fucking problem is? You are my fucking problem. Get out of my face."

"What did I do to you? I have done nothing to you, ever. All I've ever done is try to help you."

"For starters, you initiated this." Zoro gestures to their current conversation.

"At least I'm trying. You don't seem to ever try, you're a selfish asshole."

"Don't you fucking dare, cook. I've been trying to patch everything up in my head, why are you trying to tear it apart? I had been making everything work out okay. But you don't ever seem to see that I am trying." Zoro is trying his hardest to keep his hands where they are. It's like Sanji is trying to start a fight.

"I'm not tearing anything apart. You're the one avoiding me. Are you still pissed about what I said last time I saw you? You can't handle the truth of what you are?"

"Don't."

"Of how insane you are?"

Zoro doesn't have the time to consider how out of line Sanji is for saying that in front of everyone, let alone how stupid he is for saying it since that is what got them into a physical fight the last time. All he can do is rip his arm out of Robin's hold and smash his fist into Sanji's gut. The blonde staggers back for a moment before catching his breath and Zoro follows those few steps.

"Don't even get me started on you. You know there's something wrong with you for being with me for so long. You know full well what I am. Don't act like I'm the only one."

Sanji counters with a kick to the face and another to his ribs while Zoro is recovering from the initial blow.

"You outshine anything that could ever be wrong with me. You can try to pretend all you want, but you'll never change in the end. Is that why you've been avoiding me? Because I know everything?"

Zoro can't help but hear that as a threat to him. That Sanji would just reveal everything right here and now. He most definitely cannot handle that happening. The blonde is drunk and pissed and Zoro's never seen him like this before. He's not sure how far he'll go. He does all he can to stop that from happening. And the cook, being in what Zoro sees as an unfounded anger, gives it back just as good.

They end up in a full on fight; smashing each other into furniture and walls, throwing punches and kicks at full force until they're pulled apart by Franky and Ace.

Zoro can hear Nami yelling to barricade Zoro into a room, while Chopper is trying to coordinate cold compresses. The whole room is in commotion and shock. He's being manhandled and hauled away from the center of the chaos.

When he finally calms down, he finds himself behind the door to his borrowed room. He sits in silence playing over what happened. It was not the worst outcome that could have happened; he did not lose it. He was fully aware of what was happening, and he didn't have to pull himself back into reality. His aggression was pure anger, not what he had feared would come out. He counts that as a win for himself. He's definitely getting better.

But what the hell? Is Sanji really that pissed at him? Or was he actually just that drunk? Shit, now he really does have to talk to him, or there is no way he will be able to come back and comfortably hang out with all of his friends.

The cook really does say some shitty things when he's angry or doesn't know what else to say. Maybe he should have just sucked it up and talked to him earlier. He probably should have at least said 'hello'.

He slumps himself against a wall and slides to the ground resting his elbows on his knees and his hands on his head. How did they get to this situation? Wasn't Sanji the one asking him to stay? He seems to keep getting pushed further away by the cook every time he sees him. And it's always because of something Zoro did.

He thinks the situation over for a while longer before hearing muffled conversation then a knock on the door. He's not sure which is worse, if the person on the other side is Sanji or not. He doesn't really want to see anyone right now.

-:-

"You have to talk to him."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do. You're the only one that can fix this. I don't know what the hell was going on between you two tonight, but you have to figure this out."

"She's right, Sanji. Whatever is up with you guys, you have to deal with it. And he listens to you."

"He's not going to listen to me now. I don't even know if I want him to listen to me."

"You have to apologize. And if you want to know why he's been avoiding you, then you have to talk to him. Nicely."

"Only if he can be nice."

"Sanji, you started that whole thing. Go apologize or I will lock you both in there all night and I won't care if you end up killing each other."

Sanji, Ace, and Nami all stare at Robin.

If only because that is an actual possibility right now, Sanji accepts his fate. "Fine."

Franky comes up and shoves a bottle of whiskey at him. "Take that with you. As a peace offering."

He reluctantly grabs the bottle and knocks on the door. He looks behind him in attempt to back out, but there is a human wall blocking his path. He sighs and turns back to the door. He doesn't hear a response, so he chances opening the door hoping not to find a raging marimo.

He pokes his head around and sees him sitting on the floor against the wall. He seems to be ok, but you never know. Sanji slowly moves around the door and sits next to Zoro and hears the door close. So he is being locked in here anyways. He's honestly not sure if Zoro is actually okay to be around right now. He's not moving, but he has his head bowed and his hands in his hair. Usually not a good sign. The moment he had sat next to him the marimo looked at him, his expression unreadable. "You okay?" Zoro just grunts back at him. Helpful. "Marimo, verbal responses."

He sighs. "Yes. Im fine."

Sanji stares at the bottle he brought in with him, and considers opening it for himself. Then he thinks better of it because he has sobered up considerably after the fight and knows that is probably what got him in this situation in the first place. That and the selfish green asshole next to him. Think nice thoughts. This has to be reconciled or he will never be let out of this god forsaken room.

The silence has grown awkward, so Sanji extends the alcohol toward Zoro who looks at it distrustingly. "The hell is that?"

"It's a bowl of bolognese." When Zoro gives him a confused look Sanji sighs. "Whiskey, what do you think? It's a shitty peace offering, or whatever. Just take it. We both know you want it."

After staring at it for a few more moments, Zoro reaches out and grabs the bottle from Sanji's hand. He notices that he's careful not to brush their fingers together and Sanji rolls his eyes but holds his tongue. He lets the silence hang a bit longer as he looks for something he could use as an ashtray. Sanji gets up after finding an empty cup and sits back next to Zoro and lights a cigarette. He waits until the marimo has opened and drank the whiskey before speaking. The peace offering was accepted.

"Look, I-"

"I was avoiding you tonight."

"What?" Sanji had planned on apologizing and getting some half accepting sounds from Zoro and leaving.

"I didn't even plan on seeing you while I was here. I was hoping you'd never even find out I visited."

The only answer Sanji can think of to that statement is another question. "Why?"

"Because I…" Zoro shifts uncomfortably. "You voiced exactly what I tell myself all the time. That I'm never going to change. That that's just who I am. What I am. I can tell myself whatever I want to, but it's always going to be there."

"I'm not following. What does that have to do with you avoiding me?"

"Because, I wasn't sure if seeing you would pull me back into that… place. If I really hadn't changed, or if I can't ever really change. I was actually… afraid to see you. You were a big part of the worst time of my life. And I was afraid that seeing you would just drag me right back into it."

Shit. Sanji feels pretty bad now for what he said. He's not sure if any of what he said is true or not, he does actually hope that its not. But that's all a real concern for Zoro, and not something he needs to hear from other people. Especially Sanji. "I'm sorry, that I said all that. You should have just told me earlier, and I would have left you alone for the night."

"I couldn't."

"Then how come you can talk to me so easily now?"

"Because…" Zoro pauses to rub at his scarred eye. Sanji has a passing thought about if it ever bothers him. "Because I came out of that perfectly ok. I was just angry. Nothing more. And I realized my concerns weren't real."

"You always do know how to make the worst out of every situation, don't you?"

Zoro huffs a breath. "Ah, shut up. You know I have valid reasons for doing that."

"I'll say. You managed to stab a guy to death in your living room for offering you a partnership."

Zoro turns and stares at Sanji blankly. "You know that's not what happened."

"It basically was."

Zoro stares a bit more before a small smile appears on his face and a low rumbling of laughter comes from him. When his laughter subsides he drains about a fourth of the bottle Sanji brought him then leans his head against the wall. Sanji takes that moment to put out his cigarette and light another.

"I thought I was feeling it tonight, but it looks like you're actually being hit a lot harder."

"It's been a long day." Zoro sighs and takes another long drink. "You know, Ace asked me about everything earlier. About why I left and all that."

"What'd you say?"

"I told him what happened. Well the heavily abridged version without all the graphic details."

"Really?" Sanji just stares in awe at Zoro. Maybe he was wrong earlier. He can change. Sanji had never seen him actually have a conversation about any of that without having some kind of a break down. Not to mention getting in a fight like they just had without any mental repercussions.

Zoro nods his head. "I told you I've been trying, cook."

"I guess so." He reflects on that while taking a pull from his cig, and slowly blowing out the smoke. "Well, that explains why you're so drunk then."

"Yeah, between that and you being here, I'm surprised I'm still functional."

"I'm surprised you even got a hit in on me earlier."

"I landed all my hits. Just because I'm drunk doesn't mean I can't beat you up. If Franky hadn't grabbed me I would have won."

"Whatever you say, marimo."

Silence settles between them again, but a much more comfortable silence Sanji notes. They've made up in their own weird way, as they always do. They still have so much they should probably talk about but the marimo doesn't look up to it right now. So Sanji settles for simple conversation.

"So what are you doing here anyways?"

"I have a tournament tomorrow. Shit, I have a tournament tomorrow."

"A what? What the hell kind of tournament are you in?" He holds himself back from getting in a murder joke in there somewhere. He knows it would not be appreciated right now.

"Kendo."

"Of course. You're a sucker for swords."

Zoro laughs softly to himself. "You got that right."

Sanji rolls his eyes. "That's not what I meant idiot."

"Any way you say it is true." Sanji can tell Zoro is getting pretty drunk now by the stupid smile on his face, and his terrible jokes. He much prefers this drunk Zoro to the usual brooding and grumpy drunk Zoro. The marimo lets out a huge yawn and brings the rest of his bottle up to his mouth.

"You sure you want the rest of that?"

He drinks it all to the last drop and Sanji can feel a shiver run down his spine at the thought of drinking how this idiot does. "Why did you want some?"

"You're such an asshole. All the time."

Zoro gets that stupid grin back on his face. When Sanji sees that look on his face, he remembers why he fell in love with this asshole in the first place. Just look at him. When he's not in a terrible mood, he is such a dork. Sanji figures now is a good time as any to ask about their last encounter. Zoro is drunk enough to have his tongue loosened and he seems to not be as affected by his urges when speaking of his personal matters anymore.

"Can I ask you something?"

His head lolls a bit to the side as he looks back to Sanji. "Guess so."

Sanji tries to think of the best way to phrase his question. "Do you regret what happened?"

"I regret a lot of things. You have to be more specific, cook."

He sighs and fights the urge to roll his eyes. He doesn't want to outright say it, he doesn't want to set him off, but he needs to know. "Do you regret what happened when I saw you last? Not what happened between us, but…"

Zoro's face darkens slightly in remembrance, but that is the most that happens. Despite their fight earlier and disagreements over many things, Sanji is still impressed with Zoro's progress. He seems to think about his answer. "I don't regret that he's gone. I'm fucking glad he's gone. But… I think I could have handled that in a better way. I gained nothing from it. When I took out the organization I was free. I'm free from him, but there's so much more to it. He's gone, but just because he's gone doesn't make me better. That's on me. And I feel like I could have done something better with myself if that didn't happen. So… I guess. I'm glad he's gone, but I wish I wasn't the one to do it. It makes me just as bad as him."

Sanji is amazed at the coherency of his answer. And amazed at the answer itself. He almost believed that Zoro would never feel bad or actually regret what he did. He was so adamant about how much he thought he had done the right thing. But perhaps, the more he thinks back on it, Zoro was only justifying his feelings about afterwards, not the act itself. Sanji hadn't given him hardly any time to reflect. But now he's had plenty of time to think it over, and Sanji can see just how much he's grown. But he still shouldn't have been so okay with the whole thing. "And how about what you felt afterwards?"

He seems to have a considerably harder time answering that. Zoro must have only had the one explanation in him because he's looking quite drunk now and words are failing him as he opens his mouth to speak. Sanji can see his eye starting to close on it's own volition. Sanji stands up and grabs the marimo's arm.

"Alright, forget it, let's get you to bed, big guy." He tries to tug him off the ground, but Zoro is not having it right now. "Up. Bed. Now."

He grumbles a bit, but eventually Zoro does help pull himself off the floor. Sanji steers him over to the bed as he can hardly walk at this point between intoxication and exhaustion, then sits him down on it. Zoro flops to the side and Sanji half expects him to start snoring right then. Sanji is a sucker for Zoro. He watches him for a moment and comes to the conclusion that he is probably all talk; Sanji isn't sure he could actually stay away from Zoro forever, even after everything he's done and may do in the future. He runs his hand through Zoro's green hair, then turns to leave and switches the light off.

"Where you going?"

His voice startled him, Sanji thought he had fallen asleep already. He can feel his face heat up in mild embarrassment for petting Zoro's hair. "Home."

"Stay." Sanji has a hard time thinking of a good reason to stay. They just beat the shit out of each other, and Zoro is going to leave in a few days for who knows how long. But then again, he can't think of anywhere else he'd rather be. Maybe he'll stay to make sure the idiot doesn't choke on his own vomit. He is pretty wasted.

He sighs and looks back down at the marimo. "If I stay, it's only to make sure you don't kill yourself."

"Ugh, you know I've never tried that." Sanji can think of a few instances where it definitely did seem like he tried.

"Maybe not intentionally. You've probably given yourself alcohol poisoning more than once including now, and if I can keep you from choking on your puke then I will."

"I don't puke."

"Well, you never know."

Zoro laughs sleepily. "If that's what you have to tell yourself to stay the night, then okay."

"It's a valid concern. Now scoot over."

"Just go to the other side of the bed."

"This is my side, get." Zoro reluctantly rolls himself over the other side of the bed to make room for Sanji, but the movement immediately draws a groan from the marimo. "What?"

"I'm really dizzy."

"You know what would help?" Zoro makes a questioning noise. "Puking." Zoro shakes his head and Sanji can tell he immediately regretted that. "Just saying… Get over here. If I'm going to stay here you might as well get your cuddling in."

"Don't act like you don't like it." Zoro slowly pushes himself over to Sanji and settles himself on his chest with an arm draped around him.

They have their ups and downs, some really big ups and downs, but Sanji can't think of anyone else he would rather be with even after all their time apart. He has considered finding someone else. He's seen a few different girls, but no one's really caught his interest quite like this idiot. He leans his head onto Zoro's and wraps his arms around him. He debates whether or not to kiss his head. Is it too soon, too weird right now? Should they talk it out before anything goes that way again? They really do need to talk things through, they've both said and done a lot of shit that they need to get past. And Sanji does want to know more about how Zoro feels about killing his father now. If he still feels the same when he's sober, and what he feels about what he did afterwards. Or if that was something he just said because he knew that's what Sanji wanted to hear.

All of Sanji's thoughts are dispersed when Zoro shifts his head and plants a soft kiss to more or less where his lips are and seems to fall asleep right after, his face still right in Sanji's.

Sanji can head the door open and sees a figure outlined in the light on the other side. The door closes softly and he can hear some voices that sound relieved on the other side.


	52. Chapter 52

**A/N: I could not figure out where to stop this chapter, so it just kept going. And it took me a bit to figure out how to fit everything I wanted in it so I hope it came out ok. It feels choppy and rushed to me and I can't figure out how to fix that. But here it is!**

Zoro wakes up to warmth. His head is a bit fuzzy but he's comfortable. He pulls what he believes is a pillow or something similar closer to him before realizing the solidity of it. His sleep muddled brain ignores the feeling until he hears a voice.

"You up?"

He pauses for a moment. Did he sleep with someone last night? He takes a quick mental check and feels that he is fully clothed, socks included, and slowly opens his eye with a slightly confused expression. Immediately he smells the stale scent of cigarettes and as he lifts his head to see who his bed mate is he confirms that it is indeed the cook. His confusion must be plain on his face.

The cook sighs and gives him a knowing look. "You don't remember last night do you."

He thinks back. No, he does remember. It just took a few moments to come back to him. "I remember the important parts." He remembers the anxiety, the fight, their reconciliation, and getting piss drunk. He does not remember getting into bed with Sanji though. He rubs at a sore spot on his ribs where the cook must have kicked him especially hard.

"Good. So I don't have to tell you not to be an asshole to me again."

"As I recall, you were the asshole."

Sanji clicks his tongue and shakes his head. "Let's just say we were both at fault."

Zoro concedes with a hum, not in the mood to debate that particular topic anymore, and wraps his arm around the blonde again. "You know, it's not so bad waking up next to you."

"I'd hope so, you did it for over a year. And you're the one who wanted me to stay."

"I what?"

Sanji lets out a small chuckle. "Of course you forgot that part. You were practically asleep by then."

"You didn't want to stay, then?" Zoro looks to him slightly dejected.

"I stayed to make sure you didn't choke in a pool of your own vomit."

Zoro scoffs at that. "Sure you did."

He stares up at the cook for a few moments. It really does feel good to wake up to him. He studies his face, mapping out the changes that the past year has brought. He looks happier, less stressed, and he reaffirms his decision to leave. He notices the extra scruff that the cook has grown out on his chin and can't resist brushing his fingers over it and smiling.

"What's this?"

"Just trying something new."

"Hm. It's not bad." He readjusts his hand to cup the cook's face and pulls him slightly closer, their breath mingling. He can see Sanji's eyes searching his face, wondering if he'll close the gap. Sanji must be unsure where they stand at this point, Zoro is too, but he doesn't care right now. He's about the bring their lips together when he hears the door open and his name being called.

"Zoro, are you up yet?"

He pulls his hand and face away from Sanji to look to the intruder; it's Nami. He sighs and glances back at Sanji briefly who looks a bit disappointed. Nami looks like she's about to apologize but Zoro speaks first.

"I'm up, what's going on?" It may be better to just ignore the tension between him and the blonde right now. Getting into anything like that right now may be a mistake anyways.

"Wanted to make sure you were awake with enough time before your tournament. What time do you have to be there?"

"Uh, four? Five? Somewhere around there." He goes to grab his phone to check to time. He doesn't see it anywhere nearby and realizes its still in his pocket when it vibrates in his pants. He pulls it out and flips it open to see a text from Perona making sure he's awake as well. He huffs a laugh.

"You should probably make sure you have the right time."

He rolls his eye at the cook and sits up.

Perona had helpfully supplied the time in her message as well, just in case. "It's at four. Which means I have about five hours to get ready. Shit." He sighs and quickly sends a message back to Perona letting her know that he is awake and aware of when to be there.

"Why does that not sound like you have enough time? What do you even have to do to prepare? Or does it just take you that long to get there to take into account the time you'll lose getting lost?"

He stares down at the cook for a moment, purposefully ignoring the last comment, then back over to Nami. "Will you be here all morning?"

"I'm not going anywhere today, until you need to leave."

"Good." He moves himself over to the side of the bed and stands. "I'm going to go for a run then." He's gotten into the habit of running in the morning to clear his head and prepare for his day. It's gets him into a type of meditative mindset, and since he failed to do his usual meditation last night in preparation for the tournament, he needs all the help he can get right now. He's been avoiding bingeing the night before a match after his first fuck up. His entire day up until three will be some form of meditation. He sighs as he thinks of how anti social he's going to be today, which normally isn't a problem for him, but since he's visiting friends he feels a little badly about it. Well, nothing he can do about it now. He picks through the clothes he brought with him and finds something acceptable for a run. Nami notices he's about to change clothes and leaves the room and closes the door.

"Hey." He grunts at Sanji while discarding his shirt. There's a pause from the cook and he lifts his head to see Sanji taking in his naked torso before collecting himself. "Uh, is it ok if I go to see you compete today?"

He pulls his new shirt over his head and starts with his pants. "Yeah, sure. I don't know how much fun you'll have, Perona used to be bored as hell until she understood a little of what she was watching, well she still does get bored, but I don't mind if you're there. I'm sure everyone else will show up."

He slips his shorts on and decides the socks that he accidentally slept in are fine before grabbing his phone and heading for the bedroom door.

"I'll see you later then?" Zoro glances back to see Sanji sitting up on the bed and looking a little unsure of himself.

"Yeah. I'll see you later." After that almost kiss, Sanji is probably unsure of what to even think of their current situation. Zoro is too, so he just pretends everything is fine and leaves the cook as he heads out to start his routine. He hopes it'll be enough.

-:-

Holy shit. Sanji can't believe Zoro is really here. And that they're civil. He wasn't sure what to think when he saw him last night, but he did not expect that explosive reunion. Or the playfulness Zoro started showing towards him this morning. Or that near kiss. Was he going to kiss him? He kissed him last night, but Zoro clearly does not remember that. He's glad they seem to be ok now, but what is Zoro even thinking about them?

He figures it's better not to dwell on it.

He checks the time and figures he can go to the restaurant for a bit to distract himself until Zoro's tournament. He's really interested to see him fight, he's never actually seen him use a sword before. Well this won't be real swords, but it's the same idea. He just has to try not to imagine Zoro using those same techniques on the countless people he's killed.

That may be easier said than done though.

He collects his thoughts and heads to the living room, offering to make some breakfast for Usopp and Nami, who gratefully accept his offer. He makes enough to leave a plate for Zoro for whenever he shows up again. Sanji gets the details for the tournament's location, then heads out to All Blue.

The rest of the day is spent by keeping himself busy with either managerial paper work or cooking anything that is made available to him. He tries not to take away orders from his staff, at least not too many.

The time to head to the university where Zoro's competition is being held arrives and he lets everyone know he's leaving. He anxiously drives himself over thinking all the while if he is really welcome to watch. Zoro didn't seem that enthused about him watching. He had to ask if he could even go.

Maybe he's thinking too much into this.

They're not even together anymore. Zoro doesn't live here anymore. Maybe he's trying not to get too close to Sanji right now because he's leaving again. That makes sense. He had the same thought last night; Zoro is only here for a few days, it's pointless to try to start anything again.

He parks his car and heads inside having received the whereabouts of where everyone else is sitting.

As he enters the building his feet halt to a stop as he stares at the sign declaring the event being held. This match is the finals. Zoro is in the fucking national finals and failed to tell anyone?

He knew Zoro could use a sword, but damn. He had no idea he's this skilled. He shakes off his bewilderment and continues to find his friends, deflating slightly when he realizes he won't see Zoro before hand. He's not sure what he'd even say to him other than good luck or whatever is appropriate for this sport. So he supposes its for the best. He gets more or less comfortable next to Franky and settles in to watch a sport that he quickly realizes he knows nothing about. Other than the fact that it's a sword fight with wooden swords, the rest is lost on him. Most spectators are pretty quiet in the stands but he is able to hear some conversations about the matches and can pick up a little on what's happening. Sort of. He's not even sure which one is Zoro. They all have their heads covered and the tell tale green which would give away that idiot is conspicuously absent.

Watching is interesting enough without full understanding. The grace the competitors have while wielding a weapon and imitating a practice that was used for blood shed is actually quite mesmerizing. He wishes he could tell where Zoro was.

The more he watches, the more he sees that this is a knockout round system. Once you lose, you end your advancement. The competition is thinning out slowly but surely and he can't help but hope the marimo is still in it. He has no idea how he would stand up to these other guys, but he has faith that his moss can do pretty damn well if he's gotten this far.

As he's taking in all the different competitors, some he can tell are definitely better than others though he couldn't even attempt to explain why, he notices a flash of green. Finally, there he is. He can hear his friends mentioning the same. Sanji really isn't sure how that man managed to hide from the organization for so long with that hair color. He's pretty obvious. Sanji finds something on the moss head's black attire to keep track of him once he puts his head thing back on.

He follows Zoro around the floor with his eyes, completely in awe of him. How fluidly he moves, how light on his feet he is. How often he seems to win.

Sanji doesn't even realize its the last final match until there are only two men left actually fighting. Everyone else is just watching.

And Zoro is one of those last two.

He feels a jolt of excitement; Zoro could win this. He looks to his friends and they all seem similarly excited, quietly giving the moss encouragement. Luffy had been discouraged many times from being loud and is now being muzzled by Ace's hand.

Quickly he glances back to the gym floor and watches the remainder of the match. The two men trade blows and each seem to receive a point. Sanji has gathered enough information to know that these are three point matches. The final point is awarded and Sanji inhales sharply. He did it. Zoro did it. He doesn't know why he's so surprised at this, but he is and he's also extremely excited, as are the rest of his friends. They all jump to their feet, Luffy being the first to run down from the bleachers, Ace close behind with an outstretched arm to grab his younger brother to keep him from interrupting the closing ceremony. Thankfully he succeeded. The rest of them wait impatiently to go congratulate their friend, and as soon as they get the chance, they rush to Zoro.

He's removed his head covering, and Sanji can see how sweaty he is. He doesn't care, and he walks right up to him with purpose and excitement. He grabs his face and pulls him in for a congratulatory kiss.

Then he quickly lets go and steps back with wide eyes. He's not sure how Zoro will react to that or what even compelled him to do that. Zoro looks back with equal shock on his face that morphs into a slow smile. Sanji can hear him mutter 'fuck it' and pulls Sanji back in for a proper kiss. It doesn't last long, but it was enough for Sanji. He can hear a chorus of aw's and ooh's from his friends and immediately feels his face heat up. He's never been that comfortable with public affection towards Zoro. The marimo leans his forehead onto Sanji's and stares into his eyes momentarily with an expression that Sanji can't quite read. He then drops his hands from Sanji and faces their friends like nothing happened.

He looks to the marimo once they've parted and everyone else is expressing their congrats. He looks genuinely happy. It's a look he's not really sure he's ever even seen on him before, but he really likes how it looks on him. He realizes he's smiling stupidly at the green idiot and quickly fixes his expression.

"Why didn't you tell us you were in the national fucking finals?"

Zoro looks over to Sanji and smirks. "Must have slipped my mind."

He was about to berate Zoro for being an idiot, but his voice was lost amongst the proposition for celebration. They reluctantly allow Zoro to shower and change before whisking him off to a nearby bar for a hearty celebration with their national kendo finalist.

-:-

When they reach the closest bar to where the tournament was being held, Zoro wastes no time getting a drink. He immediately heads to the bar and places an order. It's been over twelve hours and he needs a god damned drink. The elation of winning the tournament and being a finalist held off the nagging voice in the back of his head whispering 'drink'. But the distraction only lasted so long.

As he waits for his drink to arrive his mind wanders back to that kiss with Sanji. Holy shit, that kiss. He didn't realize how badly he wanted it. He knows this is not the time to start with this again, which is why he ended it quickly and played it off as if it was nothing. But damn he wishes he hadn't.

If his life isn't complicated by one thing, it's another.

He throws back the drink that was placed in front of him and orders another immediately. The bartender refills his glass and as Zoro places the cup to his lips he feels a presence beside him.

"Breathe much? Or do you get your oxygen from whiskey now?"

He glares down at the red head beside him while swallowing the contents of his cup. "Why are we friends, again?"

"I've been wondering that for the past seven years." Nami smiles up at him and bumps him with her arm. "Go sit, we're over there. I'll get your next round."

"Nami, you don't have to do that."

"Yes I do. When you win something, you get free drinks. Sit."

He decided he's not going to push it further, it is free drinks after all. One of the best things in life if you ask him. When he makes it to the table though, he pauses. There are two empty seats. One that is clearly Nami's, if the bag and sweater hanging off of it was anything to go by. The second one was obviously left open deliberately for him on the half circle booth bench. Right next to Sanji. He let's out a breath and steels himself. This is fine. They just spent the night together, they kissed earlier. Zoro has already confirmed that he is not going to end up in a nose dive back to rock bottom by being near the blonde. He forces his feet into motion and sits next to the cook.

"I would have expected you to come back with at least one drink in hand, marimo."

He turns, half stunned, to Sanji. He didn't really expect him to act so normal around him. "Uh, Nami's getting it for me."

"You're making Nami get you your drink, you oaf?"

"She offered. More like insisted actually. Either way, it's her choice, curly." He smirks at the cook who seems lost in his efforts to berate Zoro for accepting the drink and just looks miffed instead. Zoro just shrugs in a way to tell Sanji 'what can you do?' and ends up brushing their arms together. Sanji flinches slightly at the contact. Zoro decides to just go with it and smirks to himself. He remembers how great it felt to actually kiss the cook earlier. He was too nervous to do anything too forward when they first got together, but this is a different situation. And he's going to have some fun with it.

He crosses his arms and leans them onto the table a gets himself right in Sanji's space, their shoulders touching. He spies Nami returning, and Nami means alcohol. He watches as she approaches and she places an entire bottle in front of him along with a glass. He stares at it uncomprehending.

"Congratulations, asshole!"

He looks up to Nami incredulous. "Well, shit. Thanks. You really didn't need to do that."

"I didn't. We all chipped in. It's the best one they have." She smiles wide and steps closer to lean into his upper body for a sideways hug, effectively pushing him further into Sanji's space. He feels a smile pull at his mouth as he brushes up against the cook. When she lets go, Zoro more or less stays exactly where she pushed him to.

Franky grabs the bottle and quickly opens it. Zoro forgets his current goal and reaches across the table for the bottle. "Hey, wait a minute-"

"I'm giving it back bro! It's all yours don't worry. You were getting comfortable over there, I figured I'd give you a hand and get you a drink ready."

Well, he clearly wasn't being subtle then. Whatever. "Oh. Well, thanks then." He settles back down too close to Sanji as he's handed his fresh drink.

Sanji shifts against him. "I don't know why everyone insisted on getting you the nice stuff. You just funnel everything down your throat and barely even taste it anyways."

Zoro looks to the cook slightly offended. "I taste it."

"Sure you do, marimo."

"I'm surprised you can taste anything given the amount you smoke."

"I taste things just fine, asshole."

"You sure? Your food last night seemed to be suffering a bit."

Zoro was nearly shoved off the bench but he quickly grabbed the blonde around the neck and pulled himself back up. The cook ended up with his face smashed into Zoro's chest and Zoro's bicep crushing his ear. Their verbal sparring devolved into a near wrestling match in the limited space of a bar booth; Robin was unfortunately on the other side of Sanji and she got shoved around a bit as well from the flailing limbs.

"Alright guys, get a room!"

The two stop mid-wrestle and glance around the table. They still have their arms tangled around each other, and everyone is looking back at them with pleased expressions.

"Why are you all looking at us like that?" Sanji had let go of Zoro, but Zoro had left an arm slung around Sanji's shoulders in his confusion.

"Just feels like everything is finally getting back to normal." Ace lifts his glass. "Let's toast to the green idiot who happens to be a bad ass motherfucker with a sword."

The table all lift their glasses together in laughter.

Zoro's arm remains draped around Sanji's shoulders for a while. He finishes up his bottle and he's feeling pretty good. His friends buy him another bottle, a much cheaper one this time around, but he thanks them all the same. The alcohol weighs his body down and he finds himself leaning heavily into the cook, who doesn't seem to mind all that much. He can feel a content smile on his own face as he listens to his friends talk around him. He's really enjoying being around everyone again; the alcohol and the atmosphere is putting him in a really good mood. Zoro leans his head into Sanji's. The cook tenses for a moment, then relaxes. He can tell the others at the table are trying their hardest not to stare at them or mention anything in case they ruin something.

Zoro drinks some more and decides to test his limits. He feels like he's starting to get drunk which is making him bolder. He slips a hand onto Sanji's thigh and gives it a light squeeze. That got more of a reaction from the blonde. He stiffens under to contact and speaks lowly to Zoro so as not to be overheard.

"Zoro, what are you doing?"

"Nothing."

Sanji sighs and grabs Zoro's hand from his leg and weaves their fingers together, but moves the hand to the space between both of their legs.

They've never really been all that touchy around all their friends like this, and it's been over a year since they've even all been in the same room together. Zoro misses the masked discomfort that Sanji is hiding at the blatant touching and confusion of the situation. He's too content right now to notice that the cook has been entirely too quiet since he started touching him.

His second bottle is empty now, and he's feeling the boldness to nuzzle at the cook's ear. He licks his lips and feels his tongue brush against the cook's skin.

Sanji immediately pushes Zoro away and drops his hand. The cook turns to him. "Zoro. What are you doing?"

He huffs a small laugh. "What do you think I'm doing?" Zoro has never been the best at flirting but he is trying right now. The cook looks to him and his face just seems to say 'stop'. "What's with you tonight?"

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah?" Zoro feels like that was not the right answer.

Sanji looks to the two empty bottles in front of Zoro and sighs. "Look I'm not explaining this situation to your drunk ass right now. Clearly it's not going to get through to you. But besides that, you know I've never been… completely comfortable with the public affection shit." He speaks low and harsh.

Zoro stares back at the cook incredulously. "Sanji, we were together for over a year, how are you not over that? I thought you got over that a while ago."

"Well, we didn't exactly have a lot of time outside the house to be affectionate did we? How do you expect me to get used to that if it never happened?"

Zoro doesn't have the words to respond to the blonde. His mouth just hangs open dumbly in disbelief and his brow pulls down in confusion. Then he feels the anger seep in at what Sanji just implied. He scoffs and shakes his head slowly. "Everything's always my fault." He pushes himself off the bench. "I gotta piss."

He stalks off to the bathroom to cool down.

-:-

He watches the marimo's back as he retreats to the bathroom. Why does he always say the stupidest shit? Zoro clearly is not understanding the weirdness of what he was doing. Yeah, they kissed earlier, but that was in the heat of the moment. Sanji was not expecting them to act like nothing had ever happened, or changed, or, god, be all over each other.

Zoro knows he's not gay, he's not even into guys that he knows of besides Zoro. It's weird for him to be so openly affectionate with another man. In public. Being around their friends is one thing, still not extremely comfortable, but it's fine. And yes, they made out in a club once, but that's a club and no one's watching!

Ok, bad example there, someone did watch and provoke Zoro for being with a man. But that was an extreme situation.

The more he goes on about this in his head to try to justify himself, the more he can see why Zoro thinks he's being ridiculous. And, well, maybe he is.

Maybe what he really meant to say was this is all extremely sudden to be acting like this again, and this is not the appropriate place to do it.

He groans and slides down his seat a little.

"Sanji?"

"Yeah?" He feels like an idiot.

"You should probably go talk to him."

He looks over and only now remembers that Robin had been sitting next to him on his other side. He's entirely certain that she heard that whole encounter. He leans his head against the back of the chair. "Why do I keep doing that to him? He's been through enough shit, he doesn't need it from me too."

Robin lightly places a hand on one of his. "I believe it is because you're afraid to get close to him again. A lot has happened. And he's leaving again. But this is a good time to reconcile. You don't want him to come back again and have another fight like you did yesterday."

"Why do you always have all the answers, my lovely?" He squeezes her hand in thanks and decides he should probably do as he told him to.

He gets up to go after Zoro with a sigh. He knows the entire table can tell they've already gotten into an argument again. It hasn't even been twenty four hours since the last one.

He finds the marimo standing at the sinks in the empty bathroom staring into the basin. Sanji takes a breath and walks up behind him.

"Why are bathrooms always your place of solace? It stinks in here."

Zoro glances to him in the mirror then looks back to his sink without a word. It never fails to hurt when he sees how much pain he can cause Zoro by his words. He forgets often that Zoro was constantly told how worthless he was as a child. Words can cut him deep, even if he doesn't show the extent of it.

Sanji gets closer and stands next to the man. "Hey, I'm sorry. I keep saying all the wrong things. I'm…" He sighs. What did Robin say to him? "I think I'm afraid to get close to you again. I don't want us to hate each other. That's the last thing I want." He gets the courage up to get closer and places a hand on Zoro's arm. "And I definitely said the wrong thing earlier. That just kind of happened… quickly. We went from what happened last night to you draping yourself all over me. We haven't seen each other for a while, and we've hurt each other a lot. I guess I'm just afraid something like that will keep happening. What I said was extremely irrational, and stupid. Really stupid. You know I don't blame you for anything like that. But you also don't go licking someone's ear in a bar with your friends." He punctuates his speech with a light shove to the marimo's arm.

He managed to get a small smile to form in the corner of Zoro's mouth. "Yeah, maybe that was a bit much." He stands up straighter and turns a bit to Sanji. "I guess I just missed you."

Sanji closes his eyes and laughs. Because he knows the marimo has a hard time putting emotions to words, or understanding them all of the time. And he's drunk. That's probably exactly what happened. "You're such an idiot." He says 'idiot' in the most affectionate way possible.

Sanji reaches for Zoro's hand and rubs small circles into the skin with his thumb. The marimo looks back to him skeptically. "What, now you're ok with the touching all of a sudden?"

"I think I was mostly uncomfortable because I didn't know what was happening." He pulls Zoro closer by the hand and reaches his other hand out to caress his side. He wants to make things right. And if flirting in a smelly bathroom is what he has to do, then he will.

Zoro's arms immediately come around him and he looks hesitantly in Sanji's eyes. The cook is already dreading Zoro's inevitable return to his new home. Fuck Zoro's request for him to find someone new. He doesn't want anyone new, he wants what he already had, what he might still have.

"You know, I don't think I'll ever find anyone I'd rather be with than you." Sanji had more he wanted to say, but he didn't get the chance. Zoro covered his mouth with his own as soon as he stopped speaking.

The tension between them had been building since they woke up this morning, and its all getting released right now. Zoro walks Sanji backwards until he finds something solid to lean the cook against so he can ravage him. They make a loud crash and Sanji has a feeling they're leaning against the bathroom stalls and just knocked open all the unlocked doors. Zoro's hands slide down Sanji's back and to his ass, and suddenly Sanji isn't on the ground anymore. The marimo had picked him up and Sanji wraps his legs around Zoro's strong torso. Sanji wants to be disgusted by the fact that he has no idea when the last time the outside of these stalls were cleaned, but Zoro's body against his is too distracting.

He can't even comprehend how much he had missed this idiot, and how much he still loves him.

He can feel Zoro start to grind against him in fervor and he quickly returns the action eliciting a growl from the man. Things start getting heated and Sanji is mentally preparing for something he never thought he would do in a public restroom.

Until he hears another voice.

"Woah! Uh, sorry. Just… making sure you're not killing each other in here…" Zoro removes his mouth from Sanji's neck and twists it around to glare at Usopp. "Ok, I'll see you guys out there. Sorry!"

Zoro slowly turns his head back to Sanji and looks like he's really trying to restrain himself from continuing. He sighs and places the blonde back on the ground and steps back. "Probably not appropriate to have sex in the bar bathroom with your friends around."

His lips quirk into a smirk and Sanji can tell he parroting what the blonde had said earlier. Clearly trying to relay that he understood the boundaries.

Sanji smiles back at him and shakes his head. "Probably not." He grabs Zoro's hand. "Let's get out of here before any of the mold in here realizes you're probably it's relative."

Zoro drops his hand and shoves him into one of the stalls before leaving the room without him.

Sanji can't help but laugh hysterically as he chases after him to go join the rest of the group.

The rest of the group who had clearly heard about what was just happening in the bathroom because they are all looking at them with knowing grins. The two sit back in their seats and Sanji tries to hide the flush that he feels creeping onto his face.

"Ah, shut up."

"No one said anything, Zoro."

"Yeah, but you want to. And who the hell sends Usopp to to break up a fight?"

"Hey! I am perfectly capable!" Zoro shoots him a glare and Usopp shrinks back in his chair slightly.

No one mentions directly what happened in the bathroom, but Sanji has a feeling Zoro left a mark on his neck because he can feel people staring at his throat. He tries his best to ignore it. He has better things to focus on, like the warm hand on his leg. And the fact that Zoro seems to have gotten through his thick head what Sanji deems appropriate public behavior, because he doesn't do anything more. He just, as Sanji had mentioned he does earlier, funnels more alcohol down his throat. Because that's just who he is.

Sanji leans close to the marimo to speak in a hushed tone. "Hey, marimo. If you keep drinking like that, I don't know if you'll be able to go home with me later."

His movements stop abruptly and he nearly chokes on the contents of the cup he just brought to his lips. He slowly turns his head to Sanji. "Seriously? You want me to go home with you?" Sanji just smiles and leans out of his space. Zoro stares at what's left in his cup and slowly places it back on the table without finishing it. "God damn you."

Sanji pats the hand that is still on his leg. "Don't want an impotent marimo."

The offended look Zoro gives him is priceless and Sanji has to hold in his laughter. "When have I ever been impotent?"

The blonde grins back at Zoro, utterly pleased with that stupid look on his face. "Don't want to start now do you? You're almost thirty, who knows how much longer you have before your youth stops gifting you with that ability."

"You're almost the same age as me asshole!"

"But I don't drink like you do."

"Yeah, well if I can't get it up, at least I'll have an excuse. More than I can say for you."

Sanji wants to continue their banter, but he doesn't want to jeopardize his chance of Zoro staying the night. Who knows when he'll get the chance again. Zoro seems to have the same sentiment on his mind. He picks his drink up again before setting it down again with a growl, clearly having forgotten why he hadn't finished it.

Sanji can see Zoro is having a hard time not finishing his drink and waiting to leave. He's extremely on edge and bobbing his legs up and down. A half hour passes where Zoro is too distracted to even hold conversation and Sanji takes pity on the man. An unfinished drink in front of him has got to be torture. He grabs his hand and leans in close.

"You want to get out of here?"

"God, I thought you'd never say it."

He swiftly pulls Sanji out of the booth and towards the door.

"Hang on, marimo, at least say bye to everyone."

He stops and turns to face the group who is staring at them. "See you tomorrow. Alright, now let's go."

Sanji is nearly giggling at Zoro. He's being pulled through the door, but he manages to shout a goodbye to everyone before the door closes. He hears everyone whistling at them and shouting to have a good time. He's probably just as excited as Zoro is to get him into his bed.

Sanji was a lot less excited when Zoro was about the stick his fingers in him. It's been a while, and he suddenly and stupidly gets nervous. How many times have they done this? The last time they came together, it was angry and painful. He knows that's not what's going to happen this time, so why is he so nervous?

"Hey, what's wrong?" He brushes the hair out of Sanji's face and looks to him with concern.

Sanji looks away. He feels silly telling Zoro he's nervous to have sex with him. Again. But he is. And it won't be enjoyable for either of them if he keeps it to himself. "This is going to sound stupid but… It's just been a while since, since I've had someone else inside me. Well, you. And-"

"Sanji, it's ok." He runs a hand down the cook's side in a reassuring manner. "We can switch if that'll make you more comfortable. I don't want this if you don't. We can keep doing other things if you want."

Zoro lifts himself off of Sanji and moves to the side so as not to crowd him.

"No, I… I want this. I want you. Just, maybe, slowly?"

"You sure?"

Sanji nods. He knows he safe with Zoro. He would never hurt him, Sanji has told him that countless times and its foolish that he has to remind himself of that. He pulls Zoro closer to him and brings their lips together in a slow kiss. He places Zoro's hands on him, he's pretty sure Zoro wouldn't have touched him unless he was told he could right now. They meld together in the kiss until Sanji starts to feel more comfortable again. He slowly moves one of Zoro's hands down his body and between his legs. Zoro breaks the kiss and looks at his face to be sure how he's feeling, then sits up and grabs the lube on the nightstand.

Just as Sanji had asked, he takes it slow. Its maddening, but he appreciates it. Sanji finally tells the marimo that he's ready and Zoro situates himself on top of him. He pushes in and Sanji tenses, forgetting how much bigger this part of Zoro is than his fingers. He forces himself to relax and allow Zoro to get himself inside. The look of pure pleasure on Zoro's face breaks Sanji of his nervousness. He wants to see more of that. He pulls Zoro down and locks their lips together while wrapping his legs around Zoro's midsection. Its almost a mirror image of what they were doing in the bathroom earlier, only lying down. Zoro gets the idea, and starts moving; not to quickly at first, but as Sanji urges him on he brings up the pace.

Sanji had forgotten how well their bodies fit together. How well they move together as one.

Sanji finishes first; he's amazed that Zoro can still make him come the way he does. It's probably even better now because it's been so long. He looks up to see Zoro staring down at the mess he made and his speed increases, clearly getting off on the image. He curls over Sanji and groans in pleasure as he reaches his climax. Sanji gyrates his hips to help Zoro ride out the pleasure as long as he can until the other man collapses on top of him panting.

Zoro presses kisses into Sanji's neck while the blonde rubs at his back. He can feel a smile from the moss against his skin. "I'll ask you this again, when have I ever been impotent?"

"How did I ever get so lucky to be with a man who is always hard?" He shoves the marimo off of him and winces slightly as slips out of his body.

Zoro shuffles closer and claims his usual spot on Sanji. He sighs and nuzzles at his throat. "I wish I didn't have to leave tomorrow."

Sanji throws his arm around his moss and holds him close. "Me too, Zoro." He kisses the top of his head. "Me too."

They seem to have finally fixed things between them. Well almost. They still haven't really talked yet. Sanji is not looking forward to saying goodbye again. But he knows he has to.


	53. Chapter 53

**A/N: Some ups and downs in this one, but for the most part a happy chapter. Our green idiot is making progress after all. It gets pretty explicit, more so than my usual and I got a little carried away but sometimes that's fun. I actually wasn't sure where exactly this chapter was going and I could have added to the end, but I always have a hard time writing more than like three people together.**

 **Oh, I also found an unfinished chapter that I forgot about that goes after chapter 49 where Zoro and Nami have the phone conversation that I never wrote out! Because I forgot I started it. If anyone is interested in that I could finish that and throw it out as it's own thing maybe. Let me know!**

Sanji wakes up with a stretch and a yawn. A smile reaches his lips as he remembers the events of last night.

He remembers Zoro.

He reaches an arm out to find the marimo, thinking it slightly strange that the idiot isn't half on top of him as he usually would be, but to his confusion he's alone. He opens his eyes to be sure, and there is no sign of him.

Suddenly he fears that he had dreamt the whole encounter. Had Zoro not actually been here? Did he even visit? Sanji sits up in bed and takes into account his noticeable nakedness and glances around at his strewn clothing on the floor. He catches sight of a tattered black t-shirt that he knows is not his own, and maybe he didn't imagine the whole thing. Well, if his shirt is here, Zoro must still be here. Maybe he went to the bathroom.

Sanji gets off the bed and finds something to cover his bottom half before deciding to put on some coffee and glances at the obviously empty bathroom.

Hm.

The idiot probably forgot where it was and is circling the living room trying all the doors, honestly. He rolls his eyes and exits the short hallway to his living area and spots the other man sitting on his couch.

"Morning, marimo." As much as Sanji would have liked to have him in bed when he woke up to perhaps continue more of what they did last night, it is nevertheless good to see that he didn't run off or imagine the whole thing. He is surprised that he's up already.

He was about to bypass the couch for the kitchen to put the coffee on as he had planned but the silence from Zoro made him stop. Usually he'd get a grunt of acknowledgement or something. He scrunches up his face in mild confusion and makes a pitstop at the back of the couch. He stares down at the marimo and then at his coffee table. Zoro seems to be in a staring contest with a bottle of gin that Sanji had lying around. He slowly moves around to the front of the couch and stops when he sees a few more bottles of various alcoholic content on the floor in front of Zoro.

He grows slightly concerned as he notices the listlessness of Zoro along with the bottles. Shit.

He slowly approaches the man not sure what to expect. "Zoro?"

For a moment, Sanji thinks maybe he fell asleep with his eye open. He's never seen it happen, but it's entirely possible.

He gets a little closer and tries again. "Zoro."

Sanji isn't sure if he should touch him. He looks like he's in a trance of some sort. Maybe he's meditating? Does he do that after drinking?

Sanji is mostly concerned that Zoro's deadly subconscious is vying for control right now. If that's the case, he really doesn't know what to do. Sanji gets the feeling that he really should have talked more with Zoro about all of this, how his mental health is holding up. If that still happens often, if anything has changed.

If Sanji is being honest with himself, the last and probably only time he's really seen the marimo like this was when he fell into a deep depression and wouldn't speak for days. God, he hopes that didn't just happen again.

He remembers what Zoro had said the other night, about how he was terrified that seeing Sanji would just send him right back to where he was before he left. Back to that terrible place that he seemed trapped in. Sanji's heart sinks at the thought that he did this.

He takes a chance and lightly places a hand on Zoro's shoulder. He hopes the idiot is just drunk off his ass.

At the contact, Zoro flinches violently and and looks for the source of the intrusion finding Sanji. Only Sanji's not so sure he sees him. He has a look that he's been exposed to a few times during the nights Zoro couldn't completely wake up from a night terror.

After a few of the longest moments Sanji has ever experienced, Zoro blinks and inhales sharply. He squeezes the shoulder a bit to make sure the man stays alert. "Hey, marimo. You with me?"

Zoro closes his eye briefly and shakes his head as if waking from a daydream. When he opens his eye again he seems to be a little more there. He nods his head to answer the question and scrubs at his face before sighing. He looks like he's trying to pull himself back together. Sanji slowly sits on the couch next to him, unsure whether or not he wants the company right now. But when there's not objection he settles in next to the marimo.

Sanji moves his hand down Zoro's arm and to his hand in an attempt to keep him grounded in the real world and not wherever he just was. "You feeling alright?"

He nods. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm, I'm fine."

Sanji stares at Zoro for a bit and lets out a sigh. This is probably not the best timing for the poor man, but they're not going to get many opportunities to talk anytime soon. "What just happened?"

He looks to Sanji, then quickly averts his gaze when they make eye contact. "I don't… I don't really know."

"Does that happen a lot?" He rubs his thumb over the tanned skin on the back of Zoro's hand in a supportive gesture.

He seems to think on it for second, then shakes his head. "No."

"Is it new?"

He hums in thought. "Since you last saw me, yeah."

Zoro finally returns the hold on Sanji's hand and he can tell he's finally recovering from whatever the hell that just was. "Did something trigger it?" Sanji is hoping with all his heart that it wasn't him.

The marimo rubs at his face again in thought. Sanji is realizing that his answers are a bit delayed because he drank a considerable amount, especially for it being eight in the morning. He takes his hand away from his face and sighs. "Probably the alcohol, honestly."

Sanji glances once again at the bottles littered at their feet, still getting a feeling that this was his fault. "What are you doing drinking all my alcohol this early anyways?"

Zoro hangs his head a bit. "When aren't I drinking everyone's alcohol?"

"Valid point." Sanji squeezes the hand in his own and hopes he can somehow bring the other man's spirits up just a bit with the contact and that quip. Hopefully that didn't make him feel worse. "But what got you into it this morning?"

"Woke up not feeling so great." Zoro looks at the bottles on the floor as well. "I can pay you back for everything I drank. I went and bought a couple of my own but most of these are yours."

"You don't need to-"

"Yes I do. That's, what, like three hundred bucks worth right there. I may be a piece of shit, but I'm not a piece of shit who's going to just take three hundred from you."

Zoro probably drank the apartment dry, and found everything that Sanji had stashed around his kitchen. With the exception of the gin bottle sitting in front of them. "You're not a piece of shit, Zoro." The moss laughs humorlessly to himself, it's probably better to say at himself. Sanji sighs quietly at Zoro's persistent self loathing, how no matter how great he seems to have been doing and how far he's come, he's still so affected by his past. Sanji is sure he hasn't been helping. Between what he said the past two nights, and the last time they saw each other, Sanji feels like Zoro has probably convinced himself that Sanji thinks he's a loser and every problem they've had has been due to his issues. He practically accused him of that last night. Sanji starts feeling really ashamed at how he's been treating the man he supposedly loves. Shit, if someone treated him like that, he'd feel the same way. What makes Zoro keep coming back to him? Maybe… Oh man this thought makes him sick, but maybe because that's all Zoro knows. And that's all he thinks he deserves. Now it's Sanji's turn to hang his head and feel like shit.

Sanji releases Zoro's hand and puts his arm around his shoulders instead bringing the man closer to him. He leans their heads together. "I'm so sorry. For the way I've been treating you. If anyone is a piece of shit, it's me not you. I hope you know that I don't think anything that's happened to you or is happening to you is your fault. Nothing that's happened to you is your fault. You've been put in the worst situation, and so many other people, weaker people, wouldn't have made it anywhere near as far as you have. You're a survivor. You're a stubborn asshole and you don't give up. You see a problem in your life and you fix it. You got yourself off the streets. You got yourself out of that god forsaken organization. You left when you didn't think you could do anything else for yourself here anymore because you were determined to get yourself right. And you have. You kicked ass yesterday, can you imagine yourself doing that over a year ago? Because honestly, I can't. You couldn't even leave the house, and now you're about to become a national champion. With only one eye."

Zoro huffs a laugh. "I could beat those idiots with my eyes closed."

"I'm sure you could. Point is, you're not a piece of shit. You're an amazing person, Zoro. You've just had to fight harder for what you want. And nothing that's happened has ever been your fault."

"I know." Sanji has to strain to hear him. He thinks he knows, but Sanji doesn't feel convinced that he really believes it.

"I'm serious. It's not your fault." He can feel Zoro nodding against his head, and Sanji still feels the need to repeat it a few more times until Zoro ducks his head down to the cook's shoulder and take in a shaky breath. Sanji brings his other arm up to hold Zoro, and the marimo returns the embrace. They hold each other for a moment before Zoro sits back up properly and looks away while taking a few deep breaths.

"Why do you always have to get all sappy on me, cook?"

Sanji smiles and elbows the marimo. "Because I know it'll reach through you're thick head. You're the king of sap."

Zoro chuckles and looks back to the blonde. He places a hand on Sanji's thigh. "What did I ever do to deserve you in my life?"

"You're hot as hell, that's what."

He laughs again, and Sanji is so relieved to see the man smile. "I don't think you've ever called me hot before, cook."

"Haven't I? Well, you must realize it being the one man who can take me away from the ladies."

"Is that worth all that comes with me though? And having to do this anytime I have any kind of break down?" Zoro looks thoroughly unconvinced.

"Of course. I love telling you how great you are." He places his hand on top of the marimo's that is resting on his leg. He takes a breath before speaking again. "I just really hope that this didn't happen because I'm here. And don't lie and tell me it's not if I'm actually the issue here right now. You were afraid of that the other day."

Zoro scratches at his head as he thinks. "No…" Sanji remembers the marimo is still heavily intoxicated and being faced with actual questions means thinking of a coherent and serious answer. He can tell he's thinking about it while talking as he's speaking slowly. "No, I don't think so. I had a hard time sleeping last night. Gave me too much time to think. And when I finally got up, I started drinking, and that didn't seem to help. I honestly don't know what that was. I hope it doesn't become a new thing because, damn, that made me feel horrible. I still do."

"You should have woken me up if you couldn't sleep."

"Nah, didn't want to bother you with it. I still don't think you should have to deal with all of this."

"I don't care what you think, I want to." He sighs and stands up signaling the end of that conversation. He musses the marimo's hair before heading over to the kitchen. "You want some coffee or anything?"

"I'm alright."

"You should probably eat something after how much you drank." He can tell Zoro is about to protest and say he's fine, but Sanji beats him to it. "You're eating, idiot. I don't care if I have to stuff it into your mouth. You probably don't feel hungry right now, but I'm sure your body will rejoice with something other than liquor being fed to it." Sanji knows Zoro doesn't eat a whole lot when he's feeling like he does right now, so it's up to him to get the marimo to eat.

He hears a resigned sigh behind him shifting on the couch. He glances back out of curiosity and catches the marimo reaching for the last bottle. "Hey, that's not yours. You've had enough." He quickly goes back to the living room to snatch the bottle out of Zoro's hand, receiving a glare that he knows all too well. He's been on the receiving end of that look far too many times to be affected anymore. He rolls his eyes at Zoro and returns to the kitchen with the gin, keeping it where he can see it while he cooks.

One day, one day he'll sober up.

Sanji contemplates the other things he wanted to discuss with Zoro while he prepares breakfast. He really doesn't want the last time they'll talk until who knows when to be so serious, but it really is important that they go over everything.

About twenty minutes into his cooking, Sanji realizes how quiet Zoro's been. "You alright over there?"

"Nothing's changed since you last talked to me." He can practically hear the eye roll in his words.

"Just making sure." What happened earlier kind of freaked Sanji out. He's not too keen on that happening again.

He finishes up breakfast and brings over two plates to the couch, handing one to Zoro who nods in thanks. The marimo pushes the food around a bit before noticing that he's being watched and decides to actually eat some. They eat in a comfortable silence and Sanji manages to get Zoro to eat almost everything by glaring at him when he starts neglecting his plate. When they finish he gathers their plates, takes them to the sink, then returns to the couch to continue their conversation in a new direction. He's glad he got some food into Zoro, and he really hopes the last thing he had to drink was long enough ago that he'll start sobering up. At least he's not as gone as he was the first night they talked.

He stares at Zoro while thinking of how to approach the subject.

"What?" Zoro looks at him confused, and then sighs. "We're not done talking are we."

Sanji slowly shakes his head. "No."

"Now what? The alcohol? Because I've told you before-"

"No, I know that's a lost battle and you're going to have to deal with that on you're own until you're ready for outside help. Which I honestly don't know if you ever will be." If he doesn't want to be helped, he can't be helped. "I'm thinking more along the lines of… you're mental health I guess." He's not really sure how to phrase it, but that's the best he can think of right now.

"What, like how often I have to fight back murder mode?"

He pauses and looks to Zoro a little incredulously. "Did you seriously just call it 'murder mode'?"

Zoro makes a face. "Yeah. I think I've been living with Perona for too long."

Sanji holds back a laugh and snorts instead. As much as he would like to delve into the other things that may have rubbed off on him by living with Perona, he tries to ignore the ridiculousness of what Zoro just said and moves on. "But, uh, yeah. How often do you…" Sanji can't think of a concise way to say it now, but Zoro gets the idea.

"Less often. It's harder to trigger now. It still happens though, I don't think it will ever fully go away."

"Is it easier to deal with?"

"Depends." He thinks for a moment. Sanji knows he has a hard time explaining about this, so he allows him the time. "I've gotten better at it, with the ones that come most often, but, uh, sometimes… they're stronger than they used to be. No harder to deal with than they used to be, I guess I'm just better at dealing with it. But sometimes… I can tell when they're stronger. If that makes any sense."

"Yeah, I think I get it." He's never been truly able to understand what goes on in Zoro's head, but he does his best to try. He does seem to more or less have it under control, and more so than he used to. "How about the depression?"

He sighs deeply. "Fuck that. It does whatever the hell it wants to. Somedays, it's fine. I feel fine and it seems ridiculous at how lost I had felt before. And then somedays… sometimes getting out of bed is… the hardest thing I've ever done." He stares at the wall in front of him for a moment then shakes off whatever thought he had. "That's not something that's just going to go away so easily."

Sanji nods. He's never dealt with anything near what Zoro has, but he does know that depression is not something that just goes away over night. "Have you ever thought about medicating?"

Zoro levels him with a flat look. "Are you serious?" When Sanji only has a look of slight confusion to offer, Zoro continues. "You know how much I drink. Do you really think it's a good idea to add drugs to that?"

"Shit, you're right. Dumb idea. Though I'm glad you realized that before trying."

"I don't think any doctor in their right mind would let me go near a prescription drug unless I was strapped to a hospital bed. You know what, I know that's true because after I got in that crash, they wouldn't give me anything once I left the hospital."

Zoro provided a good segue into the next topic Sanji wanted to bring up. But this is the tricky one. "Speaking of the accident, and everything that happened after that…" He watches for any kind of bad reactions from the other man.

He glances to Sanji briefly before looking down to his hands. "I figured you'd probably want to talk about that."

"I don't know if you remember us talking about it the other night or not." Sanji takes the silence as a no. He was pretty wasted at that point. "Alright, well, I guess I'll ask you the same question again." He can see Zoro tense up slightly as he readies himself for the conversation. Sanji really wants to know if his answer will change. "Do you regret what you did?"

Zoro leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees while running a hand through his hair. "That's probably the hardest question you'll ever ask me." He's quiet for a long moment. "I know you want to hear me say yes. But I can't really say that. He's gone, and I have no regrets about him being dead and getting what was fucking coming to him." He pauses again and takes a few deep breaths from his small outburst. "But…" Sanji stares hard at him, impatiently awaiting his next words as he tries to pick the right ones. "But I didn't gain anything from it. I could have figured out some other way to handle it. I really stooped down to his level when I did that. It felt right at the time. You don't even understand how liberating it felt. But that was it. The next day, I was still the same. I don't really know what my answer is, I guess. Killing him didn't make me better. It was stupid, and cowardly, and I shouldn't have done it. But, I don't feel bad that he's gone."

Sanji thinks over that answer. Comparing it to what he can remember about the answer he gave the other night. They're more or less the same idea, different words, but the idea is still there. He can accept that as the same answer and feel the same about it as he did the first time he heard it. Satisfied that the marimo didn't try to just tell him what he wanted to hear either day and that Zoro does seem to understand that he was wrong in a sense, he moves on. "And-"

"After?"

Sanji sighs. Of course Zoro knows exactly where this is going. "Yeah."

"I take it back, this is the harder one to answer. Probably because I don't think you'll like the answer." Zoro hides his face from the blonde. "I want you to be able to understand, but I don't think you ever will. It's just not something that I can really explain. You've already heard my explanation for it once, and I still feel the same. I know it's sick and twisted, but I'm sick and twisted. He caused me so much pain. He still does. The least he could do was give me that. It's the only good memory I have of him."

He can hear the hatred Zoro harbors for the man who he was unfortunate enough to have as a father. Sanji really doesn't blame him. And with the new addition Zoro threw in at the end, Sanji kind of gets it more now. It's still going to bother him he's sure, but how can he truly be mad at Zoro for that. Zoro's done some pretty heinous things, but this… it seems different somehow.

Sanji sighs. That was the exact argument Zoro had in the first place wasn't it?

He places a hand on Zoro's back. He inhales sharply, clearly not expecting the touch. He lowers his hands that have been covering his face and looks to the blonde. Sanji can see the rage still etched into his features, but it's slowly dissipating and clearly not aimed toward him. "I think I understand better now." Zoro looks a bit skeptical. "I'm serious. I get it, well as best as I can. And I'm not going to hold it against you. I promise."

Zoro seems to let out a breath that he's been holding in for over a year on that topic. Sanji can see his whole body relax. Sanji leans forward a bit and pulls the larger man towards him. Sanji figures that's enough serious talk for a while. They discussed everything that he knew they needed to if they wanted to move on. He places a kiss to Zoro's temple and looks to the other man after leaning back a bit.

"You know what you look like you need?"

"A drink?"

Sanji scoffs. "That's the last thing you need, idiot. You need to indulge in your favorite past time."

"Sex?"

"Ok, your other favorite."

"Didn't I already say drinking?"

Sanji sighs. "You are such a simple creature. Try again. Better yet, just lay down."

"A nap?"

"Sure. You could probably use that as well."

Zoro lays down on his side on the couch and Sanji situates himself in front of him, facing the rest of the room, most importantly the television. Zoro wraps his arms around the cook. "Ah, there you go. You've figured it out."

"What'd I do?"

Sanji sighs and rolls his eyes. "Cuddling, idiot. You love to cuddle. It always makes you feel better."

Zoro lets out a small 'oh' as if he's still thinking on the idea but tightens his hold on the cook anyways. Before his arms get trapped for an hour, Sanji quickly grabs the remote for the TV and finds something to watch. He knows Zoro will be asleep in about ten minutes.

He revels in the warmth across his back and the weight of the arm draped around him. He's really missed the domesticity that they had. The simple little everyday things like this. And just as he predicted, a few minutes after laying down, he hears soft snores in his ear. A smile forms on Sanji's face and he leans back into the sleeping man behind him. He does everything he can to not think about Zoro leaving in the afternoon. The sound of Zoro's steady breathing slowly lulls him to sleep as well.

-:-

Mm. That's nice. He holds a bit tighter onto whats in front of him and rolls his hips into whatever just touched him like that. When there isn't a movement in return, Zoro tries a few more times hoping it'll continue.

He realizes he's only half awake when he hears chuckling and he comes back to the world completely. He opens his eye and takes in his surroundings. He's on a couch, spooning with the cook. Ah, that's why he heard laughing. He was essentially just humping the cook's ass.

"Have a good dream there, marimo?"

Zoro yawns. "Shut up. You woke me up."

"Not my fault you're holding me so close that if I move at all I'll brush your dream induced boner." He grinds back against Zoro's said hard on, this time purposefully.

"Careful, cook, don't start anything if you're not serious about it." He brushes his lips against the blonde's neck while growling out his words before biting down.

"Who said I wasn't serious about it?" Sanji starts to turn to face Zoro and he lets up on his hold just enough to allow the movement.

He smiles as his lips connect with his cook's. For a moment thats all they do, just enjoying the feel of each other being so close. He feels a lot better after that nap and, yeah the cook was right the cuddling helped. But he bets this will help even more. Zoro moves this in the direction he wants it to go and bites Sanji's lip receiving a pleased groan which turns into the cook forcing his way into his mouth. They fight between their mouths and run their hands over skin. Zoro involuntarily continues his movements from earlier and grinds his hips into Sanji's finding that he is quickly joining his highly aroused state. They continue rutting against each other until Zoro can't stand it any longer and shifts Sanji to his back while climbing onto of him. He pulls both of their underwear down exposing their cocks. Thankfully that's all Sanji had managed to put on this morning and Zoro can't remember why he took his clothes off after leaving the house but he's glad he did now. He rubs himself against the cook then thinks better of it and just grabs both of their dicks in his hand. Why do that when he can make it even better? He begins stroking them and Sanji can't help but buck up into his hand and Zoro can't take his eyes off of the way they rub against each other.

He tears his eye away from their erections and fixates on Sanji's neck. He litters the area with kisses and nibbles as he continues pleasuring the both of them loving the sounds he's pulling from the cook. Zoro starts getting heated and he needs to move this along. As much as he loves doing this, he needs more. He kisses at the cook's ear before whispering into it. "I want you fuck me."

Sanji groans at the words and pushes Zoro up to sit on top of him. He takes in Zoro, stopping when his eyes reach the hardness standing between his legs. He bites at his lip before making eye contact with Zoro again. "Lay down."

He has a feeling he knows where this is going and happily switches their positions. Sanji slowly makes his way down Zoro's torso, making sure to kiss and nip and tweak all the right spots that get Zoro going. He settles between his legs and presses a wet kiss to the side of his cock. The kiss becomes a suck and then he's moving his lips up and down his length and oh fuck yes. Sanji pulls his underwear down further and Zoro struggles to just kick them off so they're out of the way. He keeps his hand pumping up and down as his mouth drifts down further and Zoro feels his cock twitch when a wet tongue starts to caress his sac. Sanji's free hand wanders down even further and circles around his asshole. His movements slow to a stop and he looks up to Zoro.

"What?"

Sanji pulls his mouth off of Zoro's balls to speak. "Lube. I'm not doing this dry. You have to drive a motorcycle home later." He gives Zoro one more pump to his cock and pushes himself off the couch. "Don't move."

Zoro impatiently waits in anticipation. Sanji is the only man, well person he supposes, that he's allowed to fuck him. And he's ready. He really, really enjoys being fucked, but he knows he can get a little carried away and prefers to only allow someone extremely close to him to see that. Basically, his ass is Sanji's. And it's been too long since it's happened.

Sanji reappears and situates himself between Zoro's legs again grinning dangerously. Zoro reaches for him and pulls him down for a sloppy kiss before Sanji leans back again and opens the lube and immediately prods at Zoro to let him in. Sanji wiggles his fingers inside of him and Zoro shouts as he repeatedly brushes against his prostate. Sanji grins and abuses the spot.

"Fucking hell cook, you're going to make me come already. Hurry it up."

"Alright, alright." He quickly finishes up the prep and pushes himself inside. He only gets a few thrusts in before Zoro pulls him down and tries to flip them over. "What are you doing? This couch is too small for whatever it is you're trying to do."

Zoro sighs. "Flip over, I wanna be on top."

"But you just said-"

"I want you to fuck me, but I also want to be on top."

Sanji pauses realizing what he means. His eyes glaze over slightly with the image conjured by the idea. "Ok."

They separate and Sanji lays down on the couch while Zoro lines them back up and sinks down onto Sanji. They both let out a groan of pleasure. He starts moving over the blonde, placing hands on the cook's chest and he rocks Sanji in and out of himself. He takes control for a while and fuck it feels good. He can tell Sanji is feeling the same, his eyes are focused on his dick sliding in and out of Zoro and his face is flushed. The blonde grabs a hold of his cock that's been bouncing between them and if he wasn't feeling as good as he was, he would probably be embarrassed by the sound he made.

Sanji decides Zoro's had his fun and pulls him down to his chest keeping him there with an arm around his back and his hand doing sinful things to his cock. Sanji starts to relentlessly thrust up into Zoro and he almost can't take it. The abuse his dick and ass are receiving are deliciously too much and he's just hanging on for the ride at this point. This is exactly what he needed to completely clear his head from earlier. He really feels alive right now. The only time he really feels alive is with this man. His teeth find purchase on the cook's shoulder and his fingers dig into his upper arms. He lets the sensations wash over him until they spill out onto Sanji's chest and stomach. He's panting and he feels almost boneless allowing Sanji to fuck into him while the high courses through his body. That's probably one of the best orgasms he's ever had. Zoro misses the point when the cook finishes, but he knows he has because the movements stop and he feels a hand in his hair.

"You want to stop biting me yet?"

He pants a few more times before registering Sanji's words. Zoro let's go of the cook's shoulder and flexes his jaw looking at the fresh bruising. "Sorry."

The hand in his hair moves down his back soothingly. "Shit, I forgot how much you love that. It's so hot."

Zoro smiles and moves to plant a chaste kiss to the cook's lips. "Hm. That's twice in one day you've called me hot. A new record."

Sanji attempts to push his face out of his own but with no real effort. The cook opens his mouth to retort but instead of words, they hear a knock on the door. They give each other puzzled looks.

"Who the fuck is here?"

"I don't-"

The door opens and surprised cursing can be heard before it slams shut again. Sanji glares at Zoro with a beet red face.

"You didn't lock the door after you went and bought alcohol this morning did you?"

Zoro is trying his hardest to hold in a laugh. He knows the cook is beyond embarrassed, but this isn't the first time Zoro's been caught with his pants down. He keeps the laughing as minimal as he can as he pictures the scene for whoever just walked in on them. "I guess not."

Sanji shoves Zoro off on him with no qualms about being gentle. He puts himself back into his underwear and stomps off to his room to clean up and put some clothes on. Now Zoro lets the laughs out. He reaches for his discarded underwear and stands up to put them on and decides to go see who was at the door.

And when he opens it, he sees just about all of his friends standing in the hallway. Well, shit. Thankfully, it seems that only a few of them actually saw anything because the rest of them look taken aback by his lack of clothing.

"Jesus, Zoro, go put some clothes on! Here." Nami throws his bag that was at her house to him. "And, ugh, clean yourself up, you're disgusting! I'm not going in there until you do."

He glances down and sees some stray cum on his stomach and wipes it off. Oops. He receives a round of disgusted noises from a few who made the connection. He leans against the doorframe to regard his friends. "What are you guys doing here anyways?"

"We texted you guys, and called Sanji, but now I know why neither of you were responding." Ace narrows his eyes at him and carefully examines his torso for any more unpleasant sights. "We figured since you're leaving today we'd all come say goodbye, maybe have a lunch or something."

"Oh, yeah that'd be great. Come in, I'll go clean up." They all stare at him, and then the couch that they can see in the distance through the open doorway. "Oh come on, nothing touched the couch. Cook kept his undies on, don't worry."

"Zoro! Get your ass in here and stop embarrassing me. Go take a shower."

"I am!" He turns and leaves the doorway to allow everyone else to follow him. He makes it to the bathroom and he can hear the cook profusely apologizing for everything but at the same time not mentioning anything. Typical idiot. He showers and towels off moving back into Sanji's room grabbing something he deems clean from the bag Nami brought him before heading back to the living room.

He runs a hand through his wet hair while realizing how much better feels after the events of the morning. He surveys the room and sees the cook in the kitchen, not surprising, with the girls while the rest are scattered around the room. He stops first in the kitchen to make sure the cook is ok. It seems he'd rather focus on the food than Zoro and lightly pushes his hands away but reassures him that everything is fine and accepts a kiss to the cheek and an apology for not locking the door. Zoro has a feeling that he's going to have to keep his hands to himself while everyone is here. He sighs and figures he'll go join everyone else. Someone must have wiped down the couch or something because Zoro finds Franky and Usopp sitting on it and decides to join them placing himself between the two.

Franky nudges Zoro in the side. "So I thought the cook bro didn't let you bottom?" He wiggles his eyebrows at him.

"Don't let him hear you talking about that. He's already morbidly embarrassed." As much as Zoro doesn't care about talking about this, he knows Sanji would rather him not. So he changes the topic. "So if this is my goodbye lunch, did anyone happen to grab my bike?" He glances over at Usopp mostly because it was at his place.

Usopp's eyes go wide and he inhales sharply. Zoro growls knowing now he's going to have to make a trip over to their place before leaving adding who knows how much extra time to his traveling. The other man smiles back at him unexpectedly. "Yeah, it's in Franky's van."

Zoro shoves Usopp off the couch. "You little-"

Thankfully Usopp finds it hilarious and just rolls around the floor laughing.

The rest of the afternoon is spent in good spirits. Good food, good company, and lots of laughter. Zoro notices the distinct lack of alcohol, and attributes that to his friend's forethought of Zoro driving for hours later. He supposes that's a valid reason to not include any given his drunk driving history. Sanji's apartment isn't ideal for their large gatherings, but it works. They get to all be apart of every conversation since they can't spread out too far.

It's about time for Zoro to head out so he can get as far as he can before it gets too dark and make a stop on his way back. The room grows quiet and he looks around to them all. Fuck, he's going to miss seeing everyone. He hasn't been able to do this for so long, since before he even left. He's not sure when he'll get to come back, but he's going to do his best to make it as soon as possible. He opens his mouth to say just that, but before he even gets a word out he's being jumped on and hugged and buried under his friends in a group effort to hold onto him.

He feels like such an idiot for not realizing how much everyone cares about him. He never does until something like this happens. It's just so ingrained in him that he's alone, but he really needs to fix that line of thinking. He's going to hold onto this memory as tightly as he can.


	54. Chapter 54

**A/N: Long time no update.**

 **I had a serious block for this chapter. I had a general idea but it just wouldn't happen.**

 **This went in a different direction than I expected, but I finally finished the chapter!**

 **Hope you enjoy, and hopefully the next one won't take so long.**

Things are passing by in a blur as Zoro speeds down the freeway. There's not that many people on the road right now, thankfully, and Zoro can just relax. He pulls on the throttle a little more to get around an infuriatingly slow truck before settling at a comfortable speed, ready for the next few hours.

After a while he slows a bit. A thought catching his attention.

Something does't feel right.

He concentrates on the feel of the backpack he's wearing to be sure he did indeed grab that; it's still there. Quickly he glances down at the case he strapped to the side of his bike, bokken are there. Notices the shape of his phone in his front pocket pressed against the fabric of his pants.

So, what's wrong?

He glances at the signs on the highway, and they all seem to be pointing him in the right direction, but Zoro's entire being seems to be telling him that something is wrong.

He takes a deep breath and decides to ignore it for now, focusing instead on the roar of his motorcycle as he continues down the highway. It's not the first time he's had to ignore a gnawing feeling, and it most certainly won't be the last.

He mulls over that thought for a moment before quickly shoving it out of his mind completely. No need to get caught up in that while he's traveling at high speeds. He checks his speedometer and adjusts his speed slightly. He'd rather not be pulled over. After a while the sound and feel of the bike's rumbling lull Zoro into an almost meditative state. His body on auto pilot and his mind only really paying attention when he needs to avoid a car.

He's been driving for about 2 hours now. His mind coming back to focus as a particularly fast sports car speeds past him. He glares at it as it gets smaller in the distance. Asshole. He sighs and checks everything over, he was going a bit slow. He readjusts his speed and relaxes as much as he can. He gets that feeling again. Except now he feels it in the pit of his stomach. He just can't shake the feeling that something doesn't feel right. He feels like he's going in the wrong direction. He checks the signs on the side of the road again as he passes them, reading a few different ones, just in case, slowing slightly to make sure he's reading them correctly. He narrows his eye, he is definitely going the right way.

He fights back the feeling for a little longer.

He's had enough and Zoro lets out a growl of annoyance then pulls off on the next exit, stopping on the side of the road.

He pulls off his helmet and runs his hand through his hair, sweat from the helmet slicking it back. Confusion sweeping over him as he stares down at his bike.

It's not his usual wrong direction feeling, the one that tells him he's getting himself hopelessly lost. So what…

It takes him a moment before realizing what his instincts are telling him.

He sits up straighter on his bike as it hits him.

"What the fuck am I doing?"

He's suddenly very aware of where he should be headed and why he's feeling the way he is.

He shoves his helmet back on his head and gets himself back on the highway. He's never felt more sure of anything in his life.

-:-

Sanji's apartment feels too quiet now. It was filled with people and noise and laughter, but now every one has gone home leaving him alone. He's just finished cleaning up after everyone having not allowed anyone else to help him, and has sat himself on his couch staring at the blank tv screen.

He huffs a laugh to himself remembering the significance this couch played earlier in the day, allowing a flush of embarrassment to slip over him before finding the whole thing comical. He knows he should keep the good thoughts like that on the surface but he can't help but feel the crushing emptiness creep in after Zoro left, again. The weekend had gone so well, everything seemed to have gone back to normal. Zoro seemed like himself again. Sanji was so happy to see that. To see him smiling and laughing with all of their friends. That hasn't happened for far too long.

And he knows it won't again for a while. Not until Zoro feels well enough, and who knows when or if that will happen. Zoro is never satisfied, he's way too hard on himself. He never sees the progress he's actually made and Sanji could just kick the shit out of his stupid handsome face to just make him see any of it. Sanji can still see the self loathing and hate the marimo harbors for himself even if he says he's feeling better. It's always just under the surface and Sanji knows the marimo too well not to see it.

He sighs and picks up the remote to turn the tv on for some kind of a distraction. Best not to dwell on things he can't change.

Zoro has left before and Sanji has more or less gotten over it. Or at the very least convinced himself that he's fine with it. He can do it again, until he comes back to do this all over. He seems to be trapped in a vicious cycle of having his heart torn out. And as terrible as it is, he's not sure if he would be happier in any other situation if it didn't involve Zoro. He's really fallen for the fucker.

He's gets himself completely wrapped up in what he found to watch when a series of pounding knocks assaults his front door. It startles him and he ends up just staring at the door for a second before getting up to do something about it. It sounds like someone is trying to break the door down, and they might succeed if they continue.

"What the fuck did my door ever do to you?" He carefully opens the door in case the person on the other side has intentions to treat his face the same way that they're treating his door, fully intending to tell them off about harming other people's property. But once the door opens, his lecture never gets out.

He opens the door wider to see a panting Zoro who had clearly just run up the stairs and bypassing the elevator completely, clearly in a rush. They stare at each other in silence before Sanji opens his mouth to ask if everything is ok. Something has to be wrong if he's back here right? Maybe he forgot something. But Zoro speaks first.

"I'm such an idiot." Sanji is about to agree but the marimo continues before he can get a word in, which is impressive because of all the heavy breathing Zoro is doing. "I can't leave. I came back, because I can't leave."

"What?" Zoro's words aren't fully reaching Sanji's brain. He's still shocked that he's even seeing him in front of him right now.

"I'm not leaving. I can't leave you. Not again."

Sanji can't help but feel like a complete idiot when he utters the same monosyllabic word again. "What?"

Zoro lets out a heavy sigh. "Are you even listening to me cook? I came all the way back here to tell you this, and you don't even have any reaction? Here I thought you'd actually see this as some grand romantic gesture and-"

"You're not leaving?"

Zoro stops his rant and softly shakes his head. "No."

He can't bring himself to believe what he's hearing. This can't actually be happening, right? Zoro was hell bent on fixing himself alone. He looks around the marimo in confusion as if someone else has to be out there orchestrating this scene. He looks back to Zoro who is looking a little… disappointed? Obviously this is not going how it's supposed to, but this isn't actually happening, right?

"Cook. Did you hear me?"

Sanji focuses on Zoro's face again after contemplating the situation again. "Yeah. I'm just a bit… confused?"

Now Zoro looks confused, too. "Why? I told you I'm-"

"I know, I heard you, but that can't possibly be true. You left, you always leave."

Zoro's face and shoulders fall slightly and he slowly moves closer to the door to push it open more. Sanji hadn't managed to open it all the way. He brushes some of Sanji's hair back and gently places a rough palm to his face. "I'm not going to do that anymore." Zoro moves a little closer and grabs one of Sanji's hands. "I can't do that anymore." He searches Sanji's face before speaking again. "You don't believe me, do you?"

"I want to believe you."

Zoro lifts Sanji's hand to his chest and Sanji can feel the other man's heart rapidly beating. He's not sure if it's from the exertion of the stairs or nerves. He stares into Sanji's eyes and appears to be trying to pull whatever thoughts he has together to convince the blonde.

"You were right. I've been really selfish. Every time I leave and come back, it's always been for me. I've never been fair to you about that. Even now, I'm being selfish for coming back. I'm here because I needed to come back to you. And… shit. I've fucked you over so many times like this you don't even believe me." He drops Sanji's hand and both of his hands fall in defeat at his sides. He looks away and lets out breath.

Sanji grabs his face and forces him to look at him again. "You're serious."

He nods at Sanji and the cook can see the raw emotion etched into Zoro's features. He genuinely means this.

A smile starts to spread over Sanji's face as the realization of what this all actually means hits him. Zoro came back. He's not leaving. He's here, right in front of him, and he's not leaving. He's not leaving.

Zoro's face lights up as he sees Sanji's smile and a slow grin starts to form on his face as well. Sanji grabs him and wraps his arms around him tightly. He could cry he's so happy. This stupid idiot isn't leaving. Zoro buries his face into the blonde's shoulder and Sanji can feel him smiling against him.

He reluctantly lets go of the marimo. "Get inside, idiot."

-:-

Things have been… surprisingly smooth since Zoro returned. He's not sure if this just a honeymoon period or if things are really looking up for Zoro, but Sanji is not about to say anything that will ruin it. If Zoro really is healing from everything he doesn't exactly want to bring him back down.

They've been through so much, and now that they're both happy, at least outwardly as far as Sanji can tell, they seem to appreciate each other much more. They still fight, but that was never going to go away. Their personalities just clash too much for that to end and it's fun. Especially when it ends in a physical manner, be it sex or just sparring.

Zoro's obviously not one hundred percent fine, Sanji never thought he ever would be, but he's very different than how he was before he left over a year ago. And Sanji is so happy to see the change. And it seems they've finally moved passed all of their horrible fights, misunderstandings, and terrible things they've said.

And Zoro, somehow, seems to be in the best control of himself that Sanji has ever seen. He's not sure what happened, or what he does differently, but whatever it is, it's working.

He does focus himself a lot on training. And he was able to get his old job back at the martial arts school. Maybe that's been the trick. The training has clearly been paying off since he won the national kendo title. Something Sanji is still trying to wrap his head around.

He's even mentioned on more than one occasion that he could be interested in kicking alcohol all together.

Though, Sanji isn't completely sold that he will do that. He says things like that and doesn't follow through. He's said it a few times before and what ended up happening? He always ends up on a binge after he can't stand it any longer.

But maybe. This does seem to be an improved Zoro with much better resolve and control on his life.

Sanji is just waiting for something to happen. Life has been too easy. And nothing is ever easy with the marimo.

He shoves that thought aside, knowing the more he thinks about it the more likely it is to happen because Sanji will end up doing something to cause it. He focuses instead on his friends out playing in the water.

They had a holiday weekend and decided to take a trip to a beach. Only a few hours drive away, and they all needed a little vacation. Sanji is situated under an umbrella with the girls, his fair skin is very susceptible to sun burn and even though he put on some sun screen, he'd prefer not to risk it.

The rest of them are splashing water at each other and throwing what Sanji can only imagine to be seaweed and thanking himself to choose to stay on shore. He loves the water, but not when that's happening.

He closes his eyes for a bit and relaxes enjoying the breeze and the scent of the sea. Reminding him of when he was younger and he lived by the ocean.

"Looks like someones in need of a refill." Sanji opens his eyes and notices what Nami means. Zoro is trudging up the sand with an empty beer bottle in his hand. His smile has faded, but maybe that means nothing.

Sanji smiles in his direction, but he's not sure the marimo noticed. He just tosses the bottle in the direction of their camp and continues up the beach. He watches after him and hopes he's just going for a bathroom break.

He'll give him a few minutes and investigate if he's not back by then.

This is exactly why Sanji shouldn't have been thinking about things going wrong. The moment that thought happens, something is bound to go wrong.

"Everything all right, Sanji?" He glances to Robin, who has a curious look directed at him.

"Yeah. Hoping the marimo just needs the bathroom."

"I'm sure that's all it is. He's been really great." Sanji is actually very glad that there are others in the group who know Zoro's problems so he can talk candidly about it. He had been so bottled up about everything for so long. And though Robin had known for a while, he never felt that comfortable talking openly about it with her because of her relationship with Zoro. But with Nami, he feels much safer speaking about it.

"Though, the longer he seems to be fine, the more likely it is somethings going to go wrong."

Sanji glares at Robin. "That's exactly the opposite of what we're supposed to be thinking about." He sighs. "But you're right. I was just thinking of that myself."

Nami looks slightly concerned at the mention of that. "Oh, now that you say it that does make sense. Maybe you should go check on him."

"I'm going to feel really dumb if he is just in the bathroom." Thoroughly convinced by the girls, he pushes himself off his chair and and looks towards the beach bathrooms. With no sign of the marimo heading back yet, he decides its probably better he goes up there to see what's happening.

He gets to the bathroom door and before he tries to open it, he hears a frustrated growl. Oh no. Please don't let what he thinks is happening be happening. He slowly pushes the door open and is assaulted at first with the rank smell of public bathroom that is rarely serviced. Then he notices Zoro in one of the stalls. He didn't close the door, and he's not facing him.

"Marimo?"

He startles slightly and glances behind him. "Where the fuck did you come from?"

"Sorry. Everything ok?"

"Fuck. No." He lets out a exasperated sigh. He knew it. Something was wrong. "Fucking Luffy put a shit ton of seaweed in my shorts and there was definitely something in it because something fucking _hurts_."

"Oh thank god."

"What?"

"I totally thought… nothing." Sanji starts laughing to himself for thinking such stupid thoughts. And for the stupid situation his boyfriend has found himself in. "Want some help?"

"Please. I need to take these off." Zoro starts pulling his bathing suit off and Sanji glances at the door for a lock, which it thankfully has. Zoro wouldn't care, but Sanji does not feel like diffusing a situation where it is clearly going to look like he's going down on Zoro.

"Where does it hurt?" He carefully takes Zoro's suit and tosses it to the sink to deal with later.

Zoro motions to the front of himself. "I don't know, just, here."

The dim lighting of the bathroom lends no help to seeing what is wrong with Zoro's crotch area, so he pulls out his phone for the flashlight.

"What are you doing?"

"Just using the flashlight, idiot. I don't need pictures of your junk."

He shines the light on the marimo and notices red streaking across his thighs and unfortunately his dick. He grimaces. "Looks like you got a jellyfish in that seaweed."

Zoro sighs again. "Fucking Luffy…"

"Well, you're in luck. I brought stuff to make salad, which includes vinegar. And I'm sure Nami probably has tweezers. Or Chopper."

"Why does that mean I'm in luck? This fucking hurts, I don't want a salad."

"Idiot… Vinegar helps. Just trust me. I'll be right back." Growing up on the ocean definitely is coming in handy right about now.

He runs back to the umbrella and digs through the food he packed away pulling out the bottle of vinegar. He assumes any vinegar will do.

"How is he?"

"Uh, totally different problem than we thought. Do either of you happen to have tweezers?"

"I'm sorry, but I do not. What do you need them for?"

"Zoro got stung by a jellyfish. I need to pull out the stingers."

"Well that is quite a different problem. Is he ok?"

"He will be. He's not going to happy about this though."

"Check Chopper's bag. I know he brought a first aid kit."

"Perfect. I need gloves too now that I think of it."

He grabs the supplies he needs and makes it back to Zoro, who looks even more uncomfortable now.

Sanji kneels back down in front of him and douses him in vinegar.

"Ugh, seriously? I'm going to smell ridiculous for the rest of the day."

"Would you rather be in pain?"

"No." Zoro resigns himself to defeat, but he's not happy about anything in this situation.

When Sanji brings out the tweezers, he is even less thrilled.

"No, no way you're getting near my dick with those."

"I have to. It's only going to get worse if I don't. Just close your eyes."

It was a long process, but Sanji managed to rid Zoro of his jellyfish issue. Luckily there weren't many stingers that stuck to him. The only problem now is what to do about shorts for him. He's not putting the ones he was wearing back on, and Sanji's not letting him go out with nothing on. So Sanji runs back to the girls and grabs a towel he can wrap around himself.

Zoro tosses his bathing suit in the trash with 'fuck you' and trudges out of the bathroom with Sanji. He sits near the umbrella, but not close enough for conversation. He glares accusingly out at the ocean until Sanji calls him over for food. And then he just sits right back where he was, now accompanied by food and beer. Sanji grabs Luffy as he makes his way in Zoro's direction.

"I wouldn't do that right now. Let him cool off a bit before you go talk to him."

"Why? Is he mad at me?"

"He's pretty pissed at you, yeah."

"What'd I do?"

"Did you forget about the ten pounds of seaweed you shoved down his shorts?" Usopp seems to have found the situation hilarious as well. Sanji does too, right up until the jellyfish got involved.

"Yeah and you happened to pick up a jellyfish with all of that seaweed. That's why he's not wearing pants anymore. Trust me, talk to him later."

Chopper manages to convince Zoro to let him take a look at the sting and gives him an okay, complimenting Sanji on his knowledge of jellyfish stings. So much of Chopper and Zoro's relationship seems to revolve around healing the marimo. Thankfully this time Chopper didn't really need to do anything. Luffy was given a lecture about marine life safety though.

Zoro avoids contact with mostly everyone for the remainder of the beach day. Too pissed and in pain to care about conversation. Sanji doesn't blame him. He decides to go bother him anyway, what kind of boyfriend would be if he didn't.

"Hows the little marimo doing?"

Zoro glances his direction and rolls his eye. "Fine."

"You really have a knack for getting hurt don't you?" He sits next to him in the sand and puts a hand to his back in an attempt to calm him down a bit. Zoro allows the touch, but doesn't offer much in way of a response beyond a half hearted grunt. "Have you ever been to the beach before?"

Zoro glances over at Sanji for a moment before staring out back to the sea. "No."

Sanji puts his arm around the marimo more and leans into him. "I promise its not always so bad."

"Despite that fucking jellyfish, I like it here. It's nice." He looks over to Sanji and leans in for a quick kiss. "Thanks for helping me out earlier. Why do you know how to do that?"

"Remember when I told you I practically grew up on a boat? I wasn't lying."

Zoro smiles and huffs a laugh. "We had very different childhoods."

"No shit."

Zoro's hand finds Sanji's knee and he rubs shapes into the skin there. They sit in silence as they watch the waves lap at the shore while the sun begins to hang lower in the sky. Sanji thinks to himself that maybe this time things will turn out differently.

And then he quickly squashes the thought. Best not to get his hopes up.


End file.
